Hello there old friend!

They had been going on about Dr. V but referring to him as "Abe Ki Tiqah." It got on my nerve at one point.

"Why are you referring to him as Abe Ki?"

"Because he's your favourite MO," Dr. Luqman stated as a fact.

"He's not my number one favourite," I snorted. I like Dr. Vicky and he is one of my favourites. On a more playful occasion I would reply that he is my favourite MO or be truthful that Nash is my most favourite MO, but he sounded almost as if he was sulking. I smirked. "You're not jealous are you?"

"Say that one more time," he semi turned in his seat.

"I will only repeat myself if you admit you're an old man (I was most inclined to say "old fart" instead) with difficulty in hearing."

He didn't reply. I felt a tiny bit of satisfaction at winning before I realised the fun stops when the bantering stops... Huh.

There was one time when he couldn't reply. He went on and on about me being "a burden" during our cycling, that he had to go slow because of me and whatsit. Then he asked if I could go farther with him next time.

"Sure," I replied confidently.

"Sure you won't be a burden?"

"Of course. I'm only 25. I don't smoke."

"..."

"Wow," Pofin interjected. "Speechless Luqman."

"Aku tengah tunggu dia habis cakap baru nak reply. Dah habis dah Tiqs?"

I laughed.

---

Last night he asked when am I next oncall, and pointed out we couldn't chat at Mr. Z's because the Paed Team was in a hurry. I told him I'll be next call on Wednesday.

"I oncall Rabu jugak. We chill nanti."

Hahaha that really cheered me up. I replied with party-hat/balloon/party-crackers emoticon. Then I belatedly realise I must be sorely lacking attention that I was cheered by an empty promise of hanging out. I really miss Umair and Kak Jun.

I need to go out more.

Hung me upside down

I am itching to hang out with Dr. Luqman. Kalau pergi Anggerik mesti borak dengan Dr. V je, no idea why I avoid him face-to-face.

Tadi dia call tanya "bedsore ke" lol perasan aku postcall harini rupanya and suruh datang rumah Mr. Z stat. He hung up with "see you" to which I said "okay".

But when I got there, tak sempat borak pun. Not even a proper greeting. Sempat properly greet Dr. V and grinned at Dr. Japran and chatted with surgeons, but not him. I feel bad. He is a friend.

Today was my supervisor's open house, lucky for me I'm postcall so I went and ate a lot. Met Mr. Mad, Mr. Imi and introduced my parents to Dr. Jularipin, Dr. Vicky and my mate Dr. Luqman. Dad jokingly asked Mr. Mad how I was in Surgery and Mr. Mad said "blind spot. Saya nak extend dia" followed by Mr. Zuraimi affirming.

Mr. Imi later asked me "stress tak duduk Medical?" Naturally I answered "Saya lagi suka duduk Surgery" to which he laughed out loud.

Today I am postcall and I have yet to sleep since 6am yesterday. I can see myself crashing into the water canal and becoming a dead weight burden to him, but I still want to go riding. He's oncall and when he answered a short "yap" to my confirming it, I know it meant a no-go today.

I swear I will work harder to be more efficient so that I can hurry get away from Medical

Dr. Luqman always try to poke my eyes through my spec. I let him be. He did that when we were having supper with Ayus, Dr. Mus and Kak Dayah and Kak Dayah spoke up.

"Me mu tokleh buat gitu ko puwe."

"Atiqah bukan sebarang perempuan. Dia special."

"Calling me special makes me sound retarded."

"Usual day at work. Except still at work."

The first day I exited Paed, Dr. Luqman sat across me reviewing Plastic BHT and questioned

"Awak kata awak 4th week Paeds."

"I thought so too," I sighed.

"Sebab awak dah keluar Paed, our friendship ends here!" He made a chopping motion and hit the table. I smirked.

"Okay."

---

My second last day as a Surgical HO. Earlier I went to Anggerik and placed a Mars bar on Dr. Luqman's bicycle. I did that because the day before I asked him to "let me belanja you someday before Wednesday." 

He asked back "when is that" but I never replied because I belatedly realise I was making a promise but I don't have trust in my capabilities to fulfill it. I'm running out of time.

Black ended OT that day at 10.30pm. Dr. Luqman messaged me to thank me for the bar. I said it was the only I can afford. I didn't tell him I was referring to time. 

Last day in Plastic

Punched in, straight away did AM review for our two patients in Anggerik, one in Bendahara and last one in Wad 30. Asked Dr. Aizat when he's coming for round.

8.30 he messaged back. Okay I said. He asked me if I'm the only one working today. I said yes. He said untung laaa.

Kenapa untung? I asked. Nak belanja makan kee hahah

Selepas round kita breakfast.

Yeaaaa.

Came another message from Dr. Vicky inviting me to their OT starting at 0845. Excited by his offer but told him I would be joining them after I finished my Plastic work.

Suddenly Dr. Luqman called.

"Atiqah awak kerja harini?"

"Yep. Ada apa?"

"Nak ajak breakfast."

"Waah nak! But I'm waiting for Dr. Aizat to come round first."

"Biar la Aizat round sorang."

"Haha mane boleh." Selamba betul! "Dr. Aizat invited me for breakfast after round. Come join us."

"Saya nak breakfast sebelum round."

"Sorry I cannot make it."

"Okay."

"Enjoy yourself."

I was happy, haha. It feels like Allah is cheering me up after what He planned for me last night.

So after round we went for breakfast. Apparently we're both light eaters. Dr. Aizat told me of his journey to masterhood and I listened attentively. I told him my number one issue is that I have not yet settled with what lifestyle do I intend to live my whole life.

The nurse called me to inform of a new case arriving for tomorrow's OT so we went back to ward to review him. I stayed at Anggerik to fully clerk him, then went to Wad 28 to clerk one new admission. Alerted Dr. Aizat of the arrival as I clerked her. He said he'll arrive at 1130 and that Miss Shawal is coming for round at 1200 starting at Anggerik.

Round, branula for our patient, blood-taking, documenting T/O orders. I finished my job in Plastic at 1315. Dr. Aizat told me to go home. I replied with a great big grin. I did not tell him I'm going into OT with Dr. Vicky and Mr. Razin.

I picked out that Dr. Vicky is not many MOs' favourite and I've heard some secondary sources on why, but I don't really want to know. Guys have their own ways of befriending each other. Twice Dr. Aizat had to call Dr. Vicky to refer cases and twice he complained "ala malasnya aku nak cakap dengan dia" but when he called for referring he did so professionally. And I've sat next to Dr. Vicky as he questioned "why is Aizat getting emotional over a retractile testis?"

When I showed up at OT, they were waiting for the last case already, haha. Mr. Razin saw me and he grinned obviously amused.

"Atiqah awak dari mana?"

"Saya dari Plastic. Baru siap kerja."

"Awak oncall?" It was close to 1330, AM shift could have gone back at 1200.

"Tak saya AM," I grinned back, anticipating where this was heading.

"Atiqah awak takde rumah ke?"

Dr. Vicky and I doubled over laughing. "Mr. Raziiiin."

Dr. Vicky said they have a term for people like us. "CRH, chronic retention houseman. Always at the hospital, never going home."

Haru who yells

Last Monday there was a mass circumcision program at our hospital. One patient had bleeding post op so I stood beside him compressing the bleeder. Patient was crying and inconsolable. One male came and jokingly said to the patient

"Dik kitorang buang batu adik tadi. Tengok tu sebelah takde."

I automatically yelled at him. "Woi patient tengah distress kau scare dia lagi pehal, ape masalah kau!"

He grinned sheepishly and went away from me. Belatedly I realised he must have been an MO from other department or district. Ahh whatever, you're distressing the patient, I'll yell even if you're the specialist.

I told this to my family over dinner and my dad who had been listening with a small smile turned to my mom and said "Garang anak you ni."

"Kalau orang yang kenal papa, Ika cakap terus "tapi perangai saya ikut mak saya"."

Mom yelled at me bwahaha. Dad gave me double thumbs up with a very amused face.

To Pengkalan Chepa

Went cycling with Dr. Luqman today. Dad wasn't happy when he realised I was cycling with him.

"Dia kan dah kahwin."

"Haah," I answered as a matter of fact. Actually this is why I hang out with him.

"Be careful," was what dad said. Dad also told me to wear my helmet but I forgo it. Because Dr. Luqman doesn't, and in a sense I want to level our playing field.

---

"You need to manoeuvre your bike without your feet touching the ground," Dr. Luqman said after I failed to make a proper U-turn while riding.

"I'm learning," I said.

"Slow learner."

"I heard that."

---

"Esok Plastik ada apa?"

"Laser clinic.. I think."

"Laser clinic? That's lame."

"Ke OT? Entah. We have a patient today coming for AVF."

"Ooh."

"This is my irresponsibility talking. I don't remember our schedule."

"Because you're not interested."

"Still. I should show more effort despite what happened. They don't deserve a houseman like me."

"Neither do Paeds."

"Okay... (Dude that stings.) No team deserve a houseman so lacking like me."

"But Zafran speaks highly of you."

"Really? What did he say? Aha did he tell you about that time I called him "cow"?"

---

"Okay Tiqah."

"See you cm."

"Be careful."

I didn't look back. I went out at 6 plus and came home just after 7.30pm.

Dad wasn't happy... He's not actively talking to me. Quite ironic that the current last thing he said to me was also the same as Dr. Luqman's.

2nd stage of grief

Dr. Luqman told me to "cheer up, life is short." I know life is short but this time it wasn't my fault that I think I had more time to spend in Paeds.

I really am sad. He wanted to take me out cycling but I passed out on the couch at our ward this evening for a full three hour. Woke up at 7 pm huh.

I used postcall as an excuse.

Tolerating no nonsense today

I came to work pissed off at not being able to do anything about my situation. Nobody cares anyway, so there I was going about my job, not greeting anyone. My colleagues noticed how I spoke the bare minimum and not a smile to them, but said nothing about it.

Morning round with Dr. Zafran was the first time I smiled and laughed. Dr. Zafran can make anyone laugh. Post round I was back to my murderous self.

I plugged my ears to music today but still responsive. I did all my job. New case came of acute appendicitis. Patient in pain, I wanted the BHT. Stupid nurse wanted to write her report. I stood there pissed off.

"Doktor pergi la tengok patient dulu."

"Saya tak tahu pun dekat ED dah start ubat ke, MO dah review ke."

She passed me the ED clerking. I went to attend patient. My MO came and ordered supp Voltaren stat for the patient to the nurses. They were going on between how many to give and I couldn't follow with everyone talking. I asked my MO to repeat the dose.

Stupid nurse interjected. "Doktor ni pakai earphone bukan nak dengar apa Dr. Zafran cakap."

I turned around to face her. "Apehal pulak. Saya tak pakai pun earphone sekarang." I wasn't even talking to you, you bitch.

Wtf stupid lady. I turned back to face the BHT and remained frowning and pissed off. A senior nurse saw my face. Later on that particular stupid nurse didn't bother me anymore. I have to thank this brilliant senior nurse for this.

I went to the counter to finish my writing. My MO came and stood in front of me.

"Atiqah kenapa macam stress."

"Saya stress ada beberapa sebab." I heaved a sigh. Asshole of a HO Leader, stupid nurse, where do I begin? But I remember being happy when he was around earlier this morning. I grinned and looked up to him. "Tapi saya happy sebab Dr. Zafran ada. Hehe."

Otak kuning

Mr. Razin stretched his back in the middle of gastrostomy and turned to me on his right. "If you're going to do Surgery, buy a back brace or you'll get PID like me."

"Oo okay," I nodded and made a mental note of it.

"Apedia bos? Big breast?" Our clown of an MO Dr. Zafran asked from across Mr. Razin.

"Back brace la!" Mr. Razin answered. I laughed out loud. "Oh my God macam mana boleh salah sangat dengar tu?"

"Depends on otak masing-masing," Mr. Razin said in between chuckle. "Zafran memang otak obstructive jaundice."

F

I'm so full of hatred for the current HO Leader right now. I hate him.

I pray he gets a taste of this. I pray people back out on him like he did to me. I hope he gets hurt as much as this hurts me.

"Laluan harini bernama KB's Backyard."

Today I went cycling with Dr. Luqman as planned. The dude smoked x6 during the hour cycling. I mentioned to him of his recklessness. He said he was going to die of COPD, of lung cancer, of accident, might as well smoke.

I didn't tell him if my dad said this in front of me, I will think he doesn't care of me.

I know he is a philosopher, a man of principle. We had a good discussion about life during the cycle plus when we took a break admiring the kandang ikan keli in the middle of the water channel.

He said he was impressed with me. I thanked him and wondered what I did. He said he'd left me wondering.

I went home and studied about pack years history. It's number of pack per day times number of years smoking. In his case, it is close to 20 pack year. And he's only 30.

Doakan Atiqah rajin study

Yesterday I observed an exploratory laparotomy and Ladd's procedure for a day 7 babe with malrotation. Writing the op note, Dr. Luqman turned to Dr. Mustaqim and said

"Mus, dia ni nak jadi surgeon. Kau ajar dia sikit."

I'm not comfortable with them spreading this around, but I guess this is a sort of doa for me. Doakan saya rajin.

"Anak papa nak jadi surgeon?" Dr. Mus remarked with a sceptical smile.

"Papa tak puashati ape," I muttered in retort.

Dr. Hafiz heard us. "Anak papa?" He asked, looking super amused. I shook my head grinning helplessly and went "Jangan.. jangan.."

Don't even start!

---

Dr. Luqman: Mus, kenapa kau tak bagi Tiq duduk?
Me: Dr. Mustaqim bukan setakat tak bagi saya duduk, dia siap tolak tepi BHT kita.
Dr. Luqman: Kau ingat OT ni Uro punya?

Dr. Mustaqim pun bangun pergi lain hahaha. I was never excited about sitting down in the first place, usually I will stand even with a vacant seat nearby. But since Dr. Luqman insisted...

"Panasnya seat ni."

---

That evening we hung out at the pantry with Dr. Zafran, Dr. Luqman and Dr. Omar.

Chemoport

Today I assisted Mr. Razin inserting a chemoport on an unfortunate 7-year-old with Burkitt's Lymphoma (I told my dad the diagnosis and he went "Allah.. kesiannya."). Tip confirmed in SVC using Image Intensifier, it had good inflow and outflow, and post op order was that the chemoport can be used immediately.

I went back to ward. Later that evening Paed Medical came to review the patient and one of the plan written was

Keep patient in Anggerik until chemoport functioning.

I was like, dude did you not read the op note? Functioning dah tu. Takkan la kitorang pasang chemoport tak cek functioning ke tak aiyo.

In which Haru almost kicked an MO

Tadi sementara tunggu mama amik, lepak dekat wad dengan Dr. Zafran, Dr. Luqman dan Dr. Omar yang datang melepak bersama.

Dr. Zafran: Budak ni garang ni.
Dr. Omar: Aku tahu. Dia kata aku emo. (Turned to me) Kenapa awak garang ah?
Me: (sengih and my palms pressed together) Dr. Omar, pasal tu, saya minta maaf saya cakap macam tu dekat doktor-
Dr. Zafran: Nak minta maaf, cakap la dalam Bahasa Kelantan. Dr. Omar, sayo mitok maah deh, kosong-kosong.
Me with a half glare: Saya tak guna perkataan kosong-kosong.
Dr. Omar: Awak orang Kelantan tapi cakap luar. Perasan comel la tu.

I glared him but didn't reply. I would have retorted "Doktor orang pertama yang kata saya perasan comel. Sebab doktor rasa saya comel kan" but it would be inviting more trouble.

Later

Dr. Omar: Ayah awak Dr. Hanafiah kan?
Me: Dr. Hanifah.
Dr. Omar: Dia Paeds kan.
Dr. Zafran: Neonatologist.
Dr. Omar: Dia pakai spek, badan macam chubby-
Me: (frowned, salah orang ke) Ayah saya takde la chubby sangat.
Dr. Omar: (grinned) Muka tak hensem-

I advanced to him with a dangerous smirk and my leg ready to kick him, but fortunately I remembered he is my MO so I held back the kick and threateningly held the back of his chair to prevent myself from hitting him and I pushed his chair backwards, half hoping he would fall.

"Doktor kutuk ayah saya ni," I said.

Bosses laughed. Saje je nak test aku garang tahap mana. Told this to mom and she said "Kalau mama mama dah cakap dah, doktor ingat doktor hensem sangat ke?"

Dr. Omar is handsome in my opinion, sebab tu I didn't use mom's words. Ada rupa Hugh Dancy as Will Graham tu haha. But I really want to kick him...

---

Today we met Mr. Zuraimi for assessment. Before he start Mr. Z asked the room, "Siapa kat sini bercadang nak kembali ke Surgery sebagai MO Surgery?"

I immediately raised my hand.

Mr. Z: Atiqah awak nak amik Surgery?
Me: Saya plan nak amik Paed Surgery.
Mr. Z: Bagus.
Me: Ayah saya suggest. Sebab dia kata saya tak cukup bertenang untuk jadi Paediatrician.

He laughed heartily. "Biasanya orang berpengalaman macam ayah awak ni, apa yang dia cakap tu betul. Sebab dia dah jumpa ramai jenis orang."

So far the Kens I met are sweethearts

Dr. Ken is a tall, smiley, soft-spoken Paed Surgery registra who exudes the cutest vibe ever. He's also very observant. It was only my first day in Paed and he noticed my spectacle was lenseless and quickly noted me as the weird girl with no lenses in her spec. Word spread and today Mr. Razin leaned in just to scrutinise my spec. Hahaha.

Anyway, today I was covering oncall for Shikin until she got back from playing badminton for Karnival KKM. It was close to 5pm when Dr. Ken noticed I was still around.

Dr. Ken: Atiqah why are you not back yet?
Me: I'm waiting for my driver hihi.
Dr. Ken: Wah who's your driver?
Me: My mom.
Dr. Ken: Oh I thought Zafran.
Me: Why??
Dr. Ken: Because he said he'll do anything for you. (Makeshift phone with his hand) Hello Dr. Zafran? Tolong hantar saya.
Me: Hahahah I'll do that tomorrow, I'll say it's Dr. Ken's idea.

Dr. Zafran was menganjing me because I was requesting this and that. That night I was oncall and there was only coffee in the pantry so I told Dr. Zafran who was in charge of the pantry that we need chocolate drink in the pantry, citing coffee is too adult for paediatric as my reason. He said okay anything for me. And yesterday he sent to the group a picture of Cadbury 3-in-1 with the caption "teristimewa buat Atiqah Hanifah". Bwahahaha.

One thing I like about Paed Surgery is the MOs call each other "bro".

Except I'm a sloth

The other day my dad said to me he knows I can and will do my best regardless what I choose to be.

And the other day my mom told me that my successes has been with my minimal effort (and God's blessing) and she knows if only I work a little harder I am sure to get excellence.

You're my sunshine after the rain

Dr. Zafran's phone rang and caller ID came up as "Mustakamal". He picked up the call but told me to answer it. "Mustaqim tu. Jawab la."

Me: Hello?
Dr. Mus: Hello? Nak cakap dengan Zafran.
Me: Ni siapa ye?
Dr. Mus with a made up gruff voice: Ni John.
Me LOLing: Ada ape ye nak cakap dengan Dr. Zafran?
Dr. Mus: Ada la.
Dr. Zafran: Cakap saya tengah berak.
Me, couldn't believe I was going to say this: Dia tengah berak.
Dr. Mus: Suruh dia call balik lepas dah habis lap.

I immediately rolled on the floor and gave the phone to Dr. Zafran. They continued the conversation like normal dudes.

God these people XD

---

Earlier today I walked with Nasri from the ward's main entrance to the Hospimart. He asked me if I was coping okay. I was slightly surprised by his question but answered I am doing well. I told him I'm in Paeds now, feeling restless from being jobless. He said it was good that I'm (basically) having a break.

I told him I was previously in Uro for a month. He asked why. I told him about the messed up rotation and poor Tihi. He said I must be good now in Urology. I laughed. I told him at least I only spent a week with Mr. Azam. He asked if I passed my assessment. I told him I did, signed by Mr. Azhan.

I asked him how was he doing in Red noting that he looked saddened, somewhat demotivated compared to when he was in Green. He said it pained. I nodded in understanding, confirming that his ears and heart were pained. He said he was oncall last night and KIV his admissions be picked out for questioning. I wished him the best and we parted at the Hospimart, him going inside and me back to my ward.

I was happy to have walked with him, and would always find a reason to if I have the opportunity. And I am praying God make him happy as Nasri has made me happy and coping well in Surgery. It would probably be harder for me to adapt if it wasn't for his "Atiqah senyum sikit" on my first day on the job and for that I will always be grateful for him.

---

That evening I told my oncall MO Dr. Zafran that I'll be in Ward 26 helping my gang discharge patient. On the way there guess who I met?

None other but my favourite HO Wong! I was happy that I would have hugged him but of course I can't. We chatted, asking where each of us are posted right now and I wished him the best as we parted, me for Ward 26 and him towards the parking lot I presumed.

I remembered that I met Nasri this morning, now Wong. My lucky day.

I don't like asking signatures for logbook

Saturday I was oncall Urology with Dr. Mustaqim. Midnight he took us for supper and I asked for his signature for my logbook. For some reason he refused giving it was the next day already as an excuse. I didn't push, I'm not good at pushing people in that sense.

But unfortunately I still need my MOs to sign my logbook. Dr. Haziq had already plenty in mine and though I know he would happily oblige, I felt like it's fairer to ask for someone else's.

Sunday afternoon, I met Dr. Faiz doing reviews and I asked for his signature. He signed one happily and told me to forge his signatures for the rest. Haha so lazy this guy. I'm bad at forging so I only did a few. I still need more.

Monday, all Uro MOs were present by the end of the Renal & Ureter Injury HO Teaching. I turned to Dr. Hafizullah and asked for his signature.

Dr. Haziq: Anak papa suruh la papa sign.

He was teasing Dr. Mustaqim who gave his expressionless face in the face of teasing, lol. I guessed he was still peeved at me, ahh no wonder he never greet me back when I greeted him "Salam Dr. Mustaqim" each time I saw him around. That oncall supper, it was him, Dr. Mazlin his colleague from Ortho and I. Dr. Mazlin was referring me as "adik" and Dr. Mus said

"Bukan panggil dia 'adik'. Panggil dia 'anak papa'." He said with a grin.

"Doktor panggil saya macam tu, saya nak panggil doktor 'papa'." He visibly choked and Dr. Mazlin LOLed. "Saya dah nekad dah sejak Dr. Haziq belasah saya banyak kali OT baru ni. Anak papa.. anak papa.."

Later he teased me "anak papa" again and I smirked back "ye papa?" But I died inside gagging. Anyway I didn't know how Dr. Haziq knew of this. It must have been Dr. Mazlin.

Me: Dr. Mustaqim tak nak sign buku saya haritu. Dr. Faiz dah sign semalam, Dr. Haziq dah banyak sign. Minta Dr. Hafiz pulak.

After Dr. Hafiz signed my book, Dr. Mustaqim offered to sign. Tetiba. I let him sign two entries for Black OT.

Aku sebulan je lagi dalam Surgery maka bermula la episode reminiscent

Him: Ha Atiqah rupanya. Saya dah agak dah awak. Masih annoying macam dulu.
Me: Hai boss. Boss pun charming macam dulu. Heh.

My first appendix

Me complaining to our HO Leader who is my Urology teammate.

Me: Jahat Tihi letak aku oncall Uro hari Sabtu. Ahad aku masuk team lain, jadi pape Sabtu tu mati aku kena dengan Mr. Azam.
Tihi: Haa sebab tu aku letak kau oncall Sabtu.
Me: ^$#₩&^÷@

---

I was silently observing Dr. Salehah operating on an appendix. Hafizah was the HO oncall assisting her. Dr. Salehah gave me the go to scrub in but I was thinking of resources versus my selfish learning need. One pack of scub consisted of 3 gowns; one for the surgeon, the assistant, the scrub nurse. If I scrubbed in I would have to open another pack and expose two gowns..

So there I was, silently observing on Dr. Salehah's right. Dr. Azizi walked in and saw me.

Dr. Azizi: Eh Atiqah. Awak Uro kan.
Me: Saya dah lama tinggal appendix.
Him: Scrub la.

I had no spec, masked, no nametag. I was impressed he recognised me, remembered my name and even remembered what team I was in. And then I remember I somewhat dissed him and my Uro MOs last Monday, hahaha.

---

I concluded that I prefer it when people remember my name. But how significant it is to be remembered by mortals? I came across Pak cik Kamarul Zaman's post regarding his daughter who passed away last year from complicated SLE and my eyes watered. She was a good person and she died young.

How lucky. I want to be a good person and died young too.

Second Class Plumbers

Us HO, Kak Abdah the MO finished teaching with Mr. Goh close to 4pm. Saw in Plumber WhatsApp group Dr. Mustaqim was calling us to the OT to eat Domino's in the pantry. I walked towards Paed Surgery's Ward Anggerik to return the borrowed laptop, as I walked I asked in Plumber

"Masuk OT untuk makan je ke?"

I reached Anggerik. Saw Nedi at the counter with Kak Jah and this unfamiliar doctor I automatically presumed as Paed MO. I greeted Nedi, Kak Jah and this unfamiliar doctor, asking him what was his name. Nedi introduced us.

"Oh, doktor la Dr. Zafran. Saya pernah jawab phone Dr. Mustaqim masa doktor call. Saya bagitahu dia tengah remove stent tapi doktor tak percaya. Sampai sekarang saya tertanya, doktor tak percaya sebab Dr. Mustaqim tak reti remove stent ke?"

He laughed at my blatant remarks and asked Nedi if I've always been like this. Nedi affirmed. I shrugged at my honest curiosity and told him I think I'm hyper and should have a thyroid function test done soon. He told me to sit down for a chat. I told him I need to go to OT now but I sat anyway because he's an MO and I listen to my MOs however crazy they are.

And he asked me management of hematuria. I went on with my answers while he stuffed his mouth with assorted nuts. Questions shifted to narrow down my differentials and my plans. Proceeded with risk factors for bladder cancer. I noticed in Plumber Dr. Mustaqim answered my message with

"Masuk OT untuk last case la mek weh. Lipak."

Oh I thought last case already done. My nose twitched at him calling me "mek". I don't like people calling me other than Atiqah, including Dr. Haziq calling me "anak papa" that was getting on my nerves and rekindling my rebellious nature. Anyway, I wrapped up my answers and excused myself.

"Dr. Zafran, saya kena pergi dah ni. Dr. Mustaqim dah tuduh saya melipak."

"Bagitahu la Mustaqim awak viva dekat sini."

"Doktor la bagitahu dia, dia bukan caye cakap saya pun."

Dr. Zafran picked out his phone and called my MO.

"Mustaqim, ni ada HO kau dekat sini. Atiqah. Dia tengah melipak dekat Anggerik ni."

"Weeh! Adeh aku menjerit dekat MO lagi. Tapi argh tak membantu langsung! Hahaha bye!"

I knew I shouldn't have trusted these people!! I walked out to go to OT, except I met Dato' Hasim coming out of his office and so I hung around for a chat.

---

I arrived at OT and saw my bosses were doing a hernioplasty on a Black patient. Lol so jobless these Uro people. Dr. Mustaqim was looking over the shoulder of Dr. Haziq who was assisted by Dr. Azizi.

Dr. Mustaqim noted my entrance.

Dr. Mus: Ha budak ni. Melipak dengan geng Paeds tadi.
Me: Manade! Dr. Zafran yang tahan saya!
Dr. Haziq: Ish melipak je.
Dr. Azizi: HO these days.
Me: Well tengok la sape MO saya.
Bosses: Weeeh menjawab!
Dr. Azizi: Saya baru je MO!

---

Mr. Goh said there are classes of plumbers in our hospital.

"First class is Dato' Anas's team, cardiothorax. Second is us Urology. Third is Vascular. Fourth is Green, Colorectal. They are the sewage worker."

Hahahahaha.

Tell me, what am I supposed to feel about this?

I passed my Urology assessment and looking forward to start next week in Plastic or Paeds. But then I asked Tihi our Head HO where I would be going next and he said,

"You're still in Urology."

"You're kidding right. No seriously, where?"

"I'm serious, Urology."

He was having trouble arranging the schedule and turned out need to extend three people in different teams; me in Urology, Pofin in Green and Miqdad in Black. We're 4th weekers.

I blew a fuse with Tihi when he broke me the news and threatened to hurt him twice. But I guess he has no other choice and I drew the short straw because I'm agreeable. Huh.

I'm undecided how to face tomorrow, my fourth week in Urology. I feel like it's better to be extended in General and not in a subspecialty like Urology because of the limited type of cases we have in Urology. I don't feel content picturing myself reviewing Uro patient tomorrow and I feel strongly about going MIA and such.. but that's unacceptable.

I'm just hoping I don't turn out so emo tomorrow. All I want is to be happy and proud of myself. I'm not feeling so.

Macam kesian

Last Thursday we had a makan-makan Uro team to celebrate Mr. Goh The Good Son. After he left for an on-table call for an iatrogenic ureteric injury, the topic was focused to Dr. Hafiz matchmaking Dr. Omar with Syahira one of our HO.

Dr. Hafiz: Awak kena travel dulu dengan dia ni, baru nampak boleh handle ke tak.
Syahira: Travel? Handle?

Syahira ni baik lemah lembut majority orang suka buli dia. Aku dah berdekah dah dengar Dr. Hafiz cakap camtu. Obvious sangat Dr. Omar tu difficult.

Dr. Hafiz: Omar ni difficult.
Dr. Omar: (killer like-I-care glare)
Me: (LOLing in my seat)

I refrained myself from making any comments because it would prolong the conversation and I'm not into matchmaking. But I pictured this in my head.

Me to Syahira: Try la Syahira. They say "if you cannot handle someone at his worst, you don't deserve him at his best".

Turns to Dr. Omar and say:

Tapi tak sure la ada anything best ke tak dari Dr. Omar.

Hahahaha too harsh right. I might get another "kurang ajar budak ni" bwahaha.

I wish all my bosses faster get married and spawn like rabbits.

Haru manja nakkan attention

Khamis oncall 5pm sampai Wad Bendahara aku terbatuk-batuk dan terus pakai mask.

Jumaat postcall batuk makin menjadi-jadi. Still non productive. Rasa nak demam terus makan PCM. Mohon ihsan bapak dan abang belikan ubat batuk. Tidur awal dengan terjaga sebab batuk dengan dahsyat.

Sabtu masih batuk-batuk dengan serabutnya. Pergi kursus Medical. Balik tu temperature 38.5 kejadah. Bapak suruh makan PCM dan rest. Aku pun sambung tidur sambil mempeluhkan diri. Malam tu start T. Augmentin 625mg BD serta T. Loratadine 10mg OD sebab dah mula berhingusan. Tidur awal dengan terjaga sebab batuk dengan dahsyat.

Ahad. Kerja. Aku bangun dengan serabut kenapa aku kena kerja harini. Aku sedih sebab bapak manage kes aku tapi takde mention pasal MC. Aku tak layak MC ke.

Anyway. Temperature pagi tadi 37.6. Mak suruh makan ubat dan kalau rasa tak segar jugak, pergi la ED cari Klinik Warga dan minta MC. Hmm ada ke masa aku nak buat benda camtu? Daripada aku jalan gi ED baik aku buat kerja wad.

Sampai wad terus pakai mask dan review patient macam biasa. Dalam round Dr. Haziq nampak aku dan tanya "Papa sihat?"

Aku jeling dia yang kesengihan dan terus jawab "Sihat." Dude aku yang tak sihat tanya pasal bapak aku apehal.

Wong once gave me gula-gula Hacks when I was having URTI and he said Hacks means "hanya aku cinta kau seorang" kah3

That morning we had clinic. I went through the OT book to book a date for PCNL as ordered by Dr. Hafiz, but macam dah penuh je. I showed to Dr. Hafiz.

Dr. Hafiz: Ni boleh isi.
Me: Tapi kan penuh.
Dr. Hafiz: Ni tiga ni dah postpone la sayang...

He said that in his usual patient tone and I held in my snigger. Dr. Omar next to me was obviously disturbed.

"Geli aku dengar mu panggil dia sayang," he said a few seconds later after what appeared to be holding in his gagging.

I wasn't. So far in Surgery, people addressed me as "my dear", "darling" or "sayang" after I've been silly, so I've equated such term with "I'm being  patient with this kid". So I got the date booked and went off to finish consulting my patient.

Dr. Omar to Dr. Hafiz: Hafiz bakpo mu buli Atiqah nyo?
Me: Saya tak rasa dibuli pun?

See I am such a nice workaholic kid, bwahahaha.

"Budak kurang ajar"

Tadi masa nak habis round, budak2 ni cakap la pasal Dr. Omar nak masuk Red dah.

Hakimi: Semua orang tahu Omar paling bekeng (garang) sekali dalam Uro.
Me: Ye ke? Bagi saya, Dr. Omar tak bekeng pun..

They all looked at me expectantly.

Me: ... Dr. Omar paling emo sekali ada la.

He looked at me like a cross between nak maki aku and laughing out loud. I grinned.

Dr. Omar: Awak kata saya ape?
Me: Saya kata Dr. Omar paling emo sekali dalam Uro.

Bravely. If you want to diss a person, diss him in the face. Isha backed him up and kata dalam Red ada doktor lagi emo.

Me: Oh Dr. Azihan dan Dr. Adham ke? Saya baik je dengan diorang. Saya rasa diorang okay je.
Kimi: Atiqah ni memang pelik sikit.

Then Dr. Haziq told Dr. Omar that "papa Atiqah ni consultant dekat sini. Professor siap."

I'm not a fan when people talk about my dad so I scrutinised them with a slight frown. Dr. Omar pun macam tanya siapa ayah aku.

Dr. O: Ayah awak lecturer mane?
Me: Visiting UIA, USM-
Dr. O: UIA? Bila lagi? Saya tak ingat pun ada prof nama tu.
Me: Macam dah lama. Dia ajar Paeds, Neonate..
Dr. O: Tak ingat pun.
Me: Doktor pergi kelas tak?
Dr. O: Kurang ajar budak ni.

I laughed out loud at his glare. It's really hard to take him seriously with his scrawny build and amusing annoyed face.

Later habis round, Dr. Omar sat next to the patient awaiting to insert a 3-way catheter in him. He caught me glancing at him in boredom.

"Takut saya Atiqah tengok saya macam tu."

In my head there were several responds and my choice was "doktor takut dengan perempuan kenapa" but I chose to silently stare at him for a full second before turning my attention back to the patient. Not interested enough to answer.

---

Today I am oncall with Dr. Adham, Dr. Ju and Dr. Aizat. My favourites haha for unknown reason, despite belum pukul 5 lagi Dr. Adham dah call aku suruh review patient referral.

Dr. Adham: Awak Atiqah kan?
Me: Ye saya. Saya oncall harini.
Dr. Adham: Nama awak Atiqah kan.
Me: Ye nama saya Nur Atiqah Mohd Hanifah.
Dr. Adham: Ni Dr. Adham.
Me: Yes Dr. Adham, ape khabar.

Line fail ke ape?

Selalu jugak aku oncall dengan diorang ni. Dr. Aizat during rounds takde tegur aku pun haha. Fizul and Kak Jah ada kena tegur jugak, aku cam dia lenient. Or maybe I was kemah tadi hehehe.

Siap borak dengan Dr. Aizat masa otw ke Bendahara review patient.

Dr. Aizat: Awak Uro sekarang? Macam mana boleh oncall General?
Me: Saya yang request sebab rindu General..
Boss: Hahaha
Me: Tapi nyaris menyesal la, saya dah dua minggu tak jenguk Wad 30 tak tahu kes langsung.

Lucky for me Wad 30 cuma ada 8+1 patient... including a full room of acute beds hahahaha. Oncall aku sibuk tersekat dalam ED demi patients Plastic sampai Kak Ju minta Hafizul cover kerja aku dekat Wad 26.

Kak Ju pulak siap ambil order untuk dinner aku lagi weeehu.

Dr. Adham komen on my tulisan tadi.

Him: Lawa tulisan Atiqah.
Me: Okay saya sedar tulisan saya huduh. (sambil menghempukkan kepala atas meja patient)
Him: Boleh jadi MO Surgery nanti.
Me: Hehe inshaAllah.

Aku benci orang yang tak kesiankan patient

4.50pm. Aku nak masuk OT join teammates lain tapi aku nak amik semula blood c&s patient yang aku baru dinotify kena rejek dengan lab sebab aku terlupa tampal label. Cilakak polisi tak kesiankan patient langsung, ingat 16cc blood ni main-main ke. Aku hantar blood tu 3pm lagi, ape susah call je la aku stat suruh rectify the problem waktu tu. Ni rejek terus, jahat gila kesian patient.

Anyway, siap2 cabut whitecoat dan prepare barang.

Tetiba Dr. Azihan masuk bilik procedure. I greeted him and he seemed like he was looking for something. Aku kan budak baik. Kalau orang lain tak layan dah Dr. Azihan. Aku dengar budak Red tension gile MO Red jenis emo, but since I am an indifferently happy kid, aku pun tanya,

Me: Cari ape bos?
Him: Takde pape.

Beliau keluar dan aku sambung amik barang. Pastu seketika dia datang balik.

Him: Mana houseman lain? Dalam wad ni awak sorang je saya nampak.
Me: Saya Uro. Teammate semua dah masuk OT.
Him: Team lain pun OT ke? Saya naik atas pun takde houseman. Dah balik ke semua?
Me: Takkan la. Belum pukul lima pun.

HO Surgical majoriti cemerlang, I know this for fact. Lulz.

Me: Doktor ada nak pape ke?
Him: Tak, takde.
Me: (sambil tolak troli) Nak tolong saya amik blood c&s?
Him: Tak, awak buat la.
Me: Okkkay.

It takes one troublemaker to know one

It will be vain of me to think Dr. Omar labelled me as a troublemaker, but I think he has been addressing me with a slight "this little punk" glare these days. Maybe he still has that grudge from when I troubled him with two referrals in one day and when I yelled at him in the OT, not to mention when I thoughtlessly made him look bad by attempting to do something he physically was unable to. But otherwise I have been following his orders correctly.

Today in the clinic Dr. Hafiz was patiently teaching me the ropes. He was a contrast from Mr. Z who would pace around and greet patients in his booming voice. Past noon Dr. Omar showed up from his next room and addressed me with his I'm-trying-to-look-annoyed face.

"Awak," he called. Like I was a vermin. I have a name, you.

I gave him the same look he gave me while I typed in the computer for Dr. Hafiz. "Dr. Omar. Amende."

I don't talk to him like I would to a superior. I prefer to annoy him ever so slightly, or not to take him seriously at all. Actually this is how I talk with fellow ikhwahs.

"Saya nak pinjam houseman sekejap."

I snorted. "Kenapa?"

"Saya nak pergi ED tengok kes torsion testes. Awak boleh tolong ambil date untuk PCNL patient saya? Tuliskan dalam discharge dia sekali."

I hesitated because I was in Dr. Hafiz's clinic and thus my boss. He should dismiss me first before I could even go to pee, let alone help this punk. "Saya tengah tolong Dr. Hafiz."

"Biar la Hafiz buat sendiri. Tolong saya jap."

I looked at my MO expectantly. He gave me the go.

"Okay." I got up obediently. Dr. Omar disappeared back into the adjacent room. But as I got up Dr. Hafiz told me to get the date for TURP for our patient as well. Okay.

---

Favour asked done, discharge note printed, jap apsal buku biru ni macam kosong?

"En. Mohamad, tadi Dr. Omar ada menulis dalam buku biru ni tak?"

"Takde," the patient said.

"Selamba betul mamat ni," I laughed and went writing.

---

I was back in my seat writing clinical notes for Dr. Hafiz's patients. Dr. Omar popped into the room and asked,

"Dah dapat tarikh PCNL?"

"Dah," I answered shortly, busy typing.

"Discharge note?"

"Dah siap." Of course la. He disappeared back into the room.

---

Klinik habis. MO semua pergi the next room. Jap, serius la kan aku boleh balik wad dah kan? I went to Dr. Hafiz to confirm. I got his go and I thanked them.

"Atiqah, Dr. Omar nak belanja awak makan."

"Boleh jugak, terima kasih." I smiled my professional smile politely. We all know that was a farce.

"I'm not your boss."

In OT today Dr. Omar tried to increase the height of the drip stand but he was unable to. It needed height and strength. Everyone laughed at him (I didn't, I was more interested in Mr. Goh doing the procedure) so he turned to me standing next to him and said "Awak la pulak try."

Being the obedient kid I am I immediately do as he said, I somehow didn't register his exasperated sarcasm. I tried to increase the height of the drip stand despite the scrub nurse telling me not to because even Dr. Omar didn't manage to (basically she meant I'm shorter and weaker than Dr. Omar). While doing so I barely heard Dr. Omar telling me I was humiliating him by trying to do what he physically failed to, and I have to compensate by belanja him makan. But since I was focused on my task, I didn't comment on what he said. I'm really a silently working kind of person and it's not my fault he has a scrawny built and his somewhat emo mood.

As expected, I failed. Dr. Haziq came and successfully increased the height of the drip stand. Well he is bulkier and taller than Dr. Omar so it was a given. Dr. Omar then asked Dr. Haziq to belanja him makan.

25 yo Malay lady, unhappy TRO cause

Aku sayang Mr. Zaidi. Dalam aku tengah unhappy TRO cause dalam Uro ni, asal aku nampak dia mesti aku light up.

Tadi aku dekat counter discharge patient. Muka serious buat kerja senyap2. Tetiba Green lalu, Mr. Zaidi last2. Aku nyaris tak tegur dia.

"Salam Mr. Zaidi." Aku sengih.

"Wassalam warahmatullah." Beliau jawab sambil senyum dan jalan. Aku pandang komputer balik. Noted bos tetiba berhenti dan paling.

"Hanifah!" Muka bos sengih macam saje cari pasal dengan aku. "Awak team mana sekarang?"

"Saya Uro Mr. Zaidi." Aku sengih sebelah muka helpless.

"Oo." Beliau pun berjalan pergi.

"Mr. Zaidi selamatkan sayaaa!" Aku nyaris terjerit kuat. Tapi orang sekeliling dengar je. Huh. Aku nak masuk General semula.

Adibah tanya apsal Mr. Zaidi panggil aku nama ayah aku. "Last name," aku sengih balik.

Adakah muka senyap aku macam muka papa?

---

I wish Nash will ask me if I'm okay or not. I want to reply him I have been happier. And then what, I don't know. Maybe he'll tell me to go eat or something. And I'll give him my Snickers safely tucked in my pocket for times like this.

Perhaps I have been happier because I used to have more chances of greeting my daily (or EOD) "Hai Nash."

Need more sunshines.

Maybe it's PMS

Yesterday I met Mr. Z along with a colleague who met him for her pre-off Surgery assessment. Apparently she was in Surgery since April because she took a 3-month maternity leave.

"Oo Dayah amik maternity leave masa Surgery rupanya," I said.

"Awak bila nak amik maternity leave Atiqah?" Mr. Z asked me back.

"Esok-esok la boss."

But after I left him to go to my Urology OT, I want a leave now. I've never felt the need to take a leave until now that I'm in Urology. I want an emergency leave tomorrow but for what reason other than my plummeting happiness? I'm entitled to leaves anyway, I've worked for two months so I have 4 days leave still untouched.

I can't really pinpoint what seems to be the problem. I'm stressed during rounds but how is it any worse than rounds with Red team? At least I enjoyed my time in Red. The MOs in Urology are friendly, goofing around kind of people and I've come to realise I'm the one who didn't want to talk to them. I'm only comfortable when they're giving me orders or asking for help.

Today I needed to ask Dr. Omar for MC for a patient and I just stood there doubting myself less than a meter beside him with the BHT in my hand. My colleague came and asked me what's with the patient that she discharged.

"Patient mintak MC."

"Tu Dr. Omar ada."

"Tak cakap lagi dengan dia."

Isha automatically leaned in and asked Dr. Omar for the MC. And there I was observing coldly, wondering why I didn't ask him myself.

Yesterday the whole team was in the OT. Dr. Haziq who I thought was a cold HO-eating MO during my tagging days in Green turned out to be the goofiest guy who talked about personal things on the side while bosses were operating. I don't like this kind of doing, I mean bosses were operating and there were us HOs and Dr. Haziq discussing about Dayah's constipated 5-month-old. I did my best to observe the operation with one ear listening on/off to their conversation and making timely comments.

And then we had another patient for second PCNL who was put in right lateral position plus lithotomy safely secured using straps one by Mr. Azam and another by Dr. Omar. Done and Mr. Azam turned around and saw me.

"Tangkap," he said and threw the remaining strap at me. I didn't catch it properly because he had bad aim, so I picked it up from the floor. Dr. Omar then called for me,

"Another one."

I coolly catched his throw. Then he made to throw the scissors he was holding and I automatically yelled at him, "Weh!!"

"Awak weh saya?!" He jested back. Of course he was only jesting. Dr. Haziq and Dr. Hafiz poked fun at me for yelling at Dr. Omar while I hurriedly apologized for yelling at him. Yes he was joking, I was taking it seriously, but man you shouldn't play around with sharp objects so anyway I would have yelled at surgeons and would apologized for yelling afterwards.

"Sorry boss," I spluttered and in his jokingly emo tone replied "I'm not your boss" while putting away the scissors himself.

K fine. "Sorry Dr. Omar."

And today I walked beside him down the stairs during rounds and I didn't say a word at him. I'm friendly with my bosses but you're not my boss now, are you.

I told Yaya not all doctors suck like that and good doctors especially (like meh lol) don't do like that. I don't want her to lose faith in dentists.

Kalau buat procedure buat molek deh. Second attempt fail panggil la orang lain. Dan kalau patient dah suruh panggil guardian dia, pergi panggil jangan la tanya balik budak tu "kenapa nak panggil abah?"

Kesian patient. Jangan la ingat sebab patient tu somebody baru nak buat molek. Everybody is a precious somebody.

Korang pulak dua kali patient request panggil guardian dia korang kata tak payah, sampai nangis budak tu korang poke 6 kali semata-mata FBC dan BUSE lepas tu baru bapak budak tu muncul wondering apehal lama sangat amik darah.

"Eh ayah Hadi kan?" Ujar FYDO tersebut.

"Haah. Ni adik Hadi." Ha ye Dr. Hadi tu DO korang.

Sejurusnya beliau pun bawak budak tu pergi department dia minta HO dia amikkan blood, alhamdulillah sekali poke je dapat.

(Bapak budak nak amikkan tapi budak tu tak nak dia takut bapak dia pun tak dapat dan dia ngamuk dengan bapak dia.)

Nasib la korang bila patient tu anak orang lama hospital, geng kamcing HOD korang yang anak-anaknya panggil Dato' HOD tu sebagai pakcik je, pastu korang pulak tak panggil guardian patient bila patient dah request dua kali. Of course la said bapak nak bawa issue ni ke HOD korang.

Sebagai HO baru dua bulan, aku sedar blood-taking tak senang. Tapi ethically korang ni dah merepek. Aku tak pernah buat patient aku camni dan aku takkan buat camni. Korang pulak buat adik aku camni, haha nasib la...

Disclaimer of a good kid

Generally in life, I'm sensible. I'm quite proud of my analytical ability and my logical reasoning. Due to this, I listen well and am a nice kid despite my hot temper and my sudden penchant for rebelling. I do know and practice some good akhlak.

So if you're my superior, I will listen to you. If you ask me to help with anything, I will do it, minimal (if any) questions asked. I do it because I'm a good kid with a good sense of responsibility. I am not after your approval or your good book. Because my aim in life is to be happy and live proud of myself, and I am enough with Allah sustaining me.

I'm missing it already

Mr. Z tengah sibuk laparoscopic cholecystectomy. Dah nak habis dah. Aku dah lose focus sikit.

Tetiba dengar boss panggil. "Tiqah, Tiqah." Saya pun angkat muka tengok Dr. H tengah glance at me sambil boss sibuk tunjuk kat screen.

"Tiqah, tengok tu appendix." Beliau pun manipulate Maryland nak tunjuk kat aku appendix tu.

"Owh." Hmm appendix. "Comel." I commented offhandedly.

"Comel je dia kata..." Boss mengomen macam tak puashati aku tak cukup interested sambil beliau meneruskan kerja. Aku dan MO lain gelak, me at him. Dah tu aku nak kata ape?

Esok aku start Urology. Nak terkicik cuak tapi never mind sejak bila aku tak fearless. Esok kena gi kerja sejam awal la pastinya. I love my sleep too much to be an adult, dear Allah help me.

Buas bertempat, sini bukan Mesir

Minta izin (inform?) ayah nak gi meeting kul 9pm. Drive sorang pergi. Meeting setel 11pm. Rasa nak lepak. Sorang-sorang pun best, standard la dulu pun selalu lepak sorang.

Mesej kawan yang rumah nearby tapi lepas tu sedar dia kerja esok. Never mind. Jom la lepak Haru.

Bukak WhatsApp tengok family aktif lagi main henset. Ala tak tidur lagi rumah. Balik la.

Maka AtiqOh pun balik rumah straight. Tak minta izin pun nak lepak luar. Sorang-sorang, perempuan, near midnight pulak tu. Duduk dengan family buat cara duduk dengan family.

Be careful, Atiqah

Boss asked for assistance from any "kind and hardworking HO" and since I am, I went to where he was and sauntered casually towards him. Greeted Wong next to him and asked what were they doing. Wong called me to take his place so I did.

Apparently he was preparing slides for Radio Conference. Hmm. I have my own slide to make and Mr. Ken will be disappointed if I keep withholding it. But anyway, I went through the opened document.

I asked him what was the slides for. He said he was presenting for Radio Conference.

"Oh ye? Sam pun. Semalam diorang pas kerja ke kitorang and Sam volunteered. Diorang siap bagi BHT dan slides."

"Eh ye? Saya tak nak redundant. Siapa yang suruh?"

"Dr. Azihan suruh Syamida. Syamida cuti so dia passover ke budak Black."

While he cleared the issue with Sam, I went through his slides. Typo here and there.. I automatically corrected them and pointed it out to my sheepish boss.

I glanced at him. Yup, he looked like the sloppy kind of person who look after his appearance, his meals and his work. But not so everything else.

I told him I'm particular about typos because I was an editor for our student society in Egypt.

"Oh. Editor ape?"

"Saya start jadi wartawan, lepas tu jadi editor. So saya la yang edit berita persatuan kitorang."

"Oh."

"Macam Nasrullah, dia geng Grafik. Dia terror la bab tu."

"Oh camtu. Sama group usrah dengan Nasrullah ke? Geng budak jurus mesti ada usrah."

"Nasrullah join usrah?" I laughed knowingly. He doesn't look that type. I don't know if he changed after graduating, but most guys don't.

"ISMA ke ape dah?"

"ISMA? Tak tak, bukan.."

I already answered him one time ago that I am with IKRAM but apparently he doesn't remember. I guess our conversation is not important to him, I'd rather not repeat myself.

"Doktor join usrah ape?" Because it takes one to know one.

"PAS.."

"I see." I know he is neither IKRAM nor ISMA (ikhwah ISMA tak perangai camtu).

"Tapi saya tengah futur sekarang." He laughed.

"Futur? Kahwin la." I suggested jokingly. I am an advocate of marriage as a source of problems and never a solution. Haha.

"Nak kahwin kena dengan yang satu fikrah," he replied.

Weird response. If it were me I'd shoot back "lol kahwin menambah masalah ade la."

Ramai muslimat PAS kan? He's a doctor and a looker, it can't be that hard unless he's choosy. As always I didn't look at him when I'm holding conversation but I felt like his tone was rather strained. Did he have someone who isn't of the same fikrah and thus conflicted or was he having a hard time adapting to that point of view?

"Tak semestinya satu kapal kan." Sefikrah memang penting and I agree on the notion, tapi yang paling asas adalah saling menguatkan dan membina. Takde la sampai menolak jodoh kalau dah ada. We can never tell about our steadfastness, don't make a good thing hard to do.

"Ramai tak jadi camtu."

"Oh saya refer kepada orang-orang lama," I was thinking of Dr. Nik Mazian, Dr. Ahmad Sabri... I felt like I need to console him but this is a matter best discussed between him and his naqib.

But anyway, there's no work for me here. Let's go do what I should. Plan/ 1) KIV console Dr. H later. 2) Do PM review now.

"Tak jadi la buat slide kan? Bye." I stood up and went to do PM review. He should know I'm the type to up-and-leave by now.

Abe Din

We have this 51 years old patient in the ward who insisted we call him Abe Din, which by default I wouldn't because of his age. Anyway, today we observed Wong doing a procedure on him so we all gathered and chatted with Abe Din.

Abe Din called me "Kecik" because of my size. Wong told him to call me by my pretty name "Tiqah" but Abe Din said the name is not pretty at all and he will call me Kecik as he liked. I grinned helplessly at them.

Later I secured his line with 3M as per requested by Abe Din and we talked a bit. He called me Tiqah and referred to himself as pakcik.

I guess I'll forever be the kid.

Semoga segera sembuh dan diberikan kekuatan

Pagi tadi lepas habis kerja oncall, pergi lawat Dr. Aizat dengan Mimi sebelum balik postcall. Bawa buah tangan air laici kotak besar dan bagitahu dia sebab "Mr. Zaidi kata clear fluid paling laku kat hospital adalah air laici."

Best borak dengan Boss Aizat. Pasal isteri dia dan selok-belok kerja sebagai YM di KK. Tambah pulak Mimi memang rancak bercerita. Mimi tunjuk gambar surat patient tulis kepada dia. Surat gratitude dan minta berkenalan. Hahahaha. I told them Fadzlin pun kena stalk dengan ayah patient once.

"Mungkin sebab muka saya macam budak sekolah so takde pun orang nak kenakan saya macam tu," I laughed at myself.

"True professional," Dr. Aizat said instead.

Have a have a good night

I remembered a branula I failed to insert last night that I informed the nurse and documented in the BHT that I will attempt later, closer to the time of the patient's next dose of IV antibiotics. Kak Nafisah was the nurse in charge, so I ran towards her.

"Kak! Saya tak pasang lagi branula Bed 27." I wondered why she didn't remind me or call me. No call came in to remind me and I was asleep at 4am.

"Hmm patient dah habis masuk ubat dah."

"Eh sape pasang?"

"Akak."

"Waah awesomenya akak! Terima kasih!" I hugged her. Hahahahaha. She is also a senior staff nurse U32 and one of my favourite four.

"Doktor kena belanja nasi kerabu."

"Nasi kerabu je kak? Minta la Secret Recipe ke.. Noodle Station sedap!"

---

Nasri messaged me then asking about patient's update. He kept asking about the acute bed who is currently well but I wanted to report to him of Bed 9. So I ditched his messages after answering all his questions and directly called him. He picked up later after five rings. I wondered why since he just replied my message so his phone should be in his hand. I realised the answer when he picked up.

"Ye Tiqah?" He greeted with sore morning croak. Hahaha seronok ye tidur semalam. He spent the entire phonecall clearing his throat with me grinning into the receiver.

Between catching people while they're nearby and catching them later when all relevant investigations are done

Okay camni. Petang tu aku nak discharge patient, baru betul-betul sedar part Urology patient ni tak setel lagi. Habis la sape yang call balik Urology ni gerenti kena marah dengan geng Uro. Bukan salah aku sorang actually, ni salah Geng Black. Tapi sebab aku yang sedang handle benda ni, kena belasah pun nasib la. We have to be responsible for what happened.

Aku call Dr. Hafiz dan nada dia tak puashati dan malas nak layan, beliau suruh saya present balik kes ni kepada Dr. Omar sebab Dr. Omar oncall. Aku segan nak kacau Dr. Omar sebab dia nampak baik dan dia ikhwah, but I did anyway. I didn't pick up any obvious emotional distress during the call and I was grateful for him and shameful of the flaw in our team's management.

I was just off meeting Mr. Ken that evening when I returned back to ward and saw him standing at the counter discussing with his boss. I did a double turn and refused to proceed into the ward out of shame. Argh. Terima kasih sebab tak maki saya depan-depan.

So patient was discharged. I called Dr. Omar to confirm with him regarding Uro's plan for TCA and all was done and well.

Malam tu pulak... New case came in for right iliac fossa pain TRO acute appendicitis. Gynae said no gynae pathology. We took thorough history, noted query right distal ureteric stone on AXR and my boss's plan was "amik uric acid, refer Uro."

Ah, Uro. Kena ngadap Dr. Omar lagi la ni.

Round habis dan aku pun dah siap tolong Mr. Wong my favourite HO dekat wad dia. Aku pun turun balik wad aku. And what do you know, ada Dr. Omar tengah buat round Uro dengan Wahida. Aku pun sengih, hmm, alang-alang Uro dah ada sini, refer terus la kan. Takde la kena tunggu Uro free baru datang balik tengah malam.

Sampai pulak Dr. Mustaqim. MO yang ni suka nganjing orang. Haha nasib la aku. Dia tak oncall pun, dia ni macam saje je ngekor Dr. Omar. Later I found out from Wahida Dr. Mus ajak Dr. Omar pergi deghak somewhere.

Aku pun duduk dekat kaunter pura-pura tekun baca BHT. Periodically look up and bila Uro dah sampai dekat last patient cubicle sebelah acute bed. Aku nak refer dekat Dr. Omar sebab Dr. Omar yang oncall, tapi sebab Dr. Mus dah lalu dekat aku dan notice aku sengih tengok dia... Why not.

Me: Salam bos. Nak refer kes.
Dr. Mus: Malam-malam? Sape suruh ni? Azihan (second call) ke?
Me: Dr. Dayah (third call).

Dr. Mus berpaling ke Dr. Omar: Budak ni nak refer kes.
Dr. Omar jeling saya sambil tangan palpate patient Uro: Tadi petang awak refer kes ke saya dah.
Me: Ahaha..

Dr. Mus: Kes ape ni?
Me: 20 years old, right iliac fossa pain currently treated as right ureteric colic.
Dr. Omar: Bukan appendix?
Me: Sudden RIF pain, colicky, radiating to the back, tender RIF on deep palpation, renal punch negative, AXR nampak query right distal ureteric stone.
Bos-bos bukak amik xray filem: Mana?
Me: Ni.
They pointed at a FB dalam filem: Ni ape?
Me: Patient's punya IUCD.
Dr. Omar: Umur dia berapa?
Me: 20.
Dr. Omar: 20 dah pakai IUCD?
Dr. Mus: PE ke?
Me: Dia fitted masa labour-
Dr. Mus: PE la tu budak ni!
Me: PE tu ape? Ooh pre-eclampsia hahaha.

Jadah nyampah betul aku bila orang guna abbreviation hahaha aku bukan local grad!

Dr. Omar: Uric acid amik dah?
Me with an appropriate grin: Belum baru habis round.
Dr. Omar: (killer glare)
Dr. Mus: Belasah sikit budak ni.

Dr. Mus memang batu api hahahaha and the killer glare lasted few seconds la jugak. Macam nak kata "budak bertuah saje cari pasal ke ape" tapi sebab beliau berakhlak maka tahan je la. Aku sengih hopeless sekejap. Tapi in retrospect, I would still ask for their review kalau dah diorang on the spot ada kat situ. Later I asked Wahida about it whether I should have done differently and Wahida said I did okay.

Apehal entah aku rasa comel gila muka Dr. Omar masa dia tak puashati. Haha. But I am sorry for the inconvenience. Tapi bahaya la. I keep finding people's (intermittent) annoyed face as super cute. Aku ni memang suka kena marah ke ape.

Clinic with Black

Today is clinic day but I wanted to assist in OT because I haven't assisted any operation this week and tomorrow I'm oncall at the general ward. My teammates are well aware but this morning, during round, Mr. Zuraimi was picking out HOs for clinic duty when he turned to me and

"Atiqah. Awak pergi klinik."

Aaaaah why me!

I would have exchanged with some other HO but I couldn't because Mr. Z called out my name. I want to assist OT! I want to hang out with Dr. H in OT! So I half-heartedly ran to the clinic because to be polite I need to be there first before my bosses arrive.

Biasanya saya tak minat kerja klinik sebab duduk je borak dengan patient dan menaip. Pastu bila bos pergi merayap, tinggal la HO sorang dalam klinik sejuk nak gi tandas pun tak nak risau boss datang balik masa tengah pee.

Tapi harini masa boss pergi merayap (beliau pergi cari patient atau kacau MO), Kak Nora akak nurse datang dan letak Milo sebelah saya. "Nah untuk doktor," katanya. Beliau letakkan Nescafe dekat tempat boss dan cream puff dan sardin roll tepi meja. Beliau jemput saya makan. Saya pun girang sedut Milo sambil fikir kenapa boss dapat Nescafe Latte tapi saya dapat Milo, adakah sebab... Hmmmm.

---

Dr. Adham jaga klinik Black jugak harini. He peered into the room to see Mr. Z's back and noticed me, so we raised our eyebrows at each others in greeting haha. It felt so chummy then.

---

Dr. H pun jaga klinik harini hehehe and when I first realised that, I was happy well at least I didn't miss following him in the OT. And he kept showing up in the room because that's where the specialist is so we goofed at each other, he made gestures from behind boss's back, he commented how fast I was typing

"Macam robot."

"Terpaksa la." Aku duduk klinik dengan big boss kot, kalau slow nanti boss komplen.

But then he had to ask for me to check something for a patient whose name was similar to his, so I typed in the patient's name in Patient Search and spelled it how he spelled his name.

"Eh jangan la tulis nama saya. Eja dia M E E."

I typed. "Ada dua patient nama macam tu."

"Kat mana Atiqah cari ni?" He peered. "Haih tulis je laju."

At that point I realised I should have searched in today's patient list, hahaha. So I did while I laughed at myself.

---

Sebelum start klinik Dr. H ajak makan nasi dekat pantri. So relaxed this guy. I told that to Dr. Hidayah and she said

"Makan nasi apenya patient ada 100!"

I laughed. Well politely. We actually had 70 patients.

---

Cream puff ada enam ketul dan selepas kali ke berapa saya ditinggalkan seorang dalam klinik, saya pun amik makan sebijik. Allah sedapnya!!! Nak nangis sedap please. Ke sebab aku lapar? Aku pun amik lagi sebijik sumbat terus dalam mulut. Dan sebijik lagi. Adil la kan aku makan tiga, bagi boss lagi tiga biji.

Lama kemudian boss sedar kewujudan cream puff tersebut.

"Ni tiga hilang ni awak la yang makan?"

HO ni dengan relaksnya duduk bersandar memutar-mutar kerusi. "Ye bos. Sedap bos makan la."

Mr. Z pun amik satu dan makan. Pastu beliau amik the whole packet dan bawak ke bilik sebelah sebelum datang semula dengan tangan kosong. Dr. H muncul dari bilik sebelah dengan mulut penuh muka happy. Bagusnya boss share, aku selamba habiskan separuh wahahah.

Klinik habis pukul 1.30pm. Boss komplen klinik habis lambat sambil saya gelakkan nasib beliau (dan diri saya yang cuma boleh balik wad lepas semua bos habis). Kak Nora pun kata, "Takpe klinik habis lewat, asalkan HO tak hypo."

Haha ni mesti pernah ada HO hypo dekat klinik, sape ni hopeless betul kah3. Tapi serius la aku sayang Kak Nora ni.

Noted

I felt like Dr. H is noting me for our joblist. Like when patient was for CVL and then he who stood to my left with three other HOs between us, turned to me and addressed me to prepare all needed equipments and to assist him.

And when post OGDS patient was having low BP and he picked me out of the other Black HOs at the counter to instruct me to monitor her BP hourly and to inform him if remain low for three readings.

"Okay boss."

"If persistent low BP, patient for CVL."

"Doktor pasang?"

"Atiqah buat terus la." He grinned.

"Ye beres bos," I replied him with my yeah-right face.

And when today, we finished round and he was heading for OT. He asked us who was the HO for OT today and then,

"Atiqah. Masuk OT?"

It felt very much like an invitation. But I had an assessment right after that so I couldn't be in the OT. I looked at him, wanting to take up on his offer but...

"Hasmira masuk. Tu dia dah kat luar."

I want to keep being noted...

Mood stabilising spectacles

Spek patah Khamis baru ni. Terjatuh dari poket masa tengah lari nak pergi request urgent portable CXR sebab Abang Chua desat masa tengah buat CVL. Maka harini pergi kerja tak pakai spek dan rasa pelik. I want my spec. Let me not wear it when I don't want to wear it, not because I cannot wear it.

Tengahari tadi tetiba Dr. H panggil aku dan bagi order management for patient. Kaunter ramai orang bercakap sambil-sambil tu tapi aku memang fokus dengar ape Dr. H tengah cakap pun. Nasri ada kat sebelah Dr. H dia pun kata "Atiqah dengar molek ape Dr. H cakap tu kesian dia cakap takde orang dengar."

"Saya dengar ni, dua-dua telinga saya tadah."

Dr. H said something yang macam kenakan aku tapi aku tak pickup vocab Kelantan yang dia guna while everyone was laughing at what he said. Aku pun tarik muka dan jeling dia as safe response to when someone is teasing you.

Nasri tetiba tukar topik. "Atiqah mane spek?"

Ni kali kedua Nasri address isu spek aku. One of these days I'll tell him aku dah buat LASIK.

"Spek saya patah!"

"Spek Atiqah patah masa dia tengah kejar Dr. H," Pofin membuat cerita.

"Ooh patut la nampak lain," Dr. H kata. Lol tak lojik langsung ayat.

Harini semua orang komen aku muka macam postcall sebab nampak serabut. And I did feel serabut. By 4pm aku dah membentak dengan rakan sebaya

Hanisah tengah passover. Meksu tetiba suruh dia tulis benda yang nak passover tu atas kertas.

"Kau tulis je la sendiri." Aku tetiba cakap kat Meksu.

"Bukan aku suruh kau pun," Meksu jawab balik.

"Kau menyuruh Hanisah, dia budak paling baik kot."

"Takpe tulis je tak susah," Hanisah mendamaikan keadaan.

dan menjawab dengan akak nurse.

"Doktor Black?"

"Ye. Kenapa." Tak pandang pun sebab tengah buat discharge.

"Patient temperature dah 38.1 dan still tachy-"

"Patient mane?" Suara keras malas layan. "Black ramai patient."

"Woah gedebe Atiqah." Afiq mencelah.

Kak nurse buat tak perasan aku tak jawab dengan sopan. "Patient mane lagi tengah blood transfusion, patient-"

"Ah bed 14."

Aku rasa spek aku berfungsi sebagai mood stabiliser.

Hepatoma

Harini off. Isnin ni ramai geng start PTM so I was on WhatsApp with Ara. Suddenly a notification came as new message from one of my bosses.

My mind rushed with several thoughts:
1. Good God what did I do!!
2. Did I forgot a job at work? Tapi semalam lagi aku off.
3. Ada patient yang aku pernah review collapse and it was because I didn't note any abnormalities ke?
4. Gaaaah ape aku dah buat!!

I automatically read his message despite he was just on his polite greetings. Please I don't usually do this. Then came the third line:

"Dah call ke patient hepatoma tu?"

I breathed. Hahaha. And quickly reassured my boss of the details of me doing what he asked me on Thursday.

Boss said thanks and as usual I replied no problem. But he shouldn't have. Next time boss thank me, I'm gonna tell him about لا شكر على واجب.

Percent

I was working on the first day of Eid Adha. Second day of Eid I had the day off and the only raya visiting I did was to Wa's aqiqah for her baby Busyra in Wakaf Bharu. Third day of Eid I was oncall and it was fun. For some reason so far I am enjoying my calls despite little sleep and the stress and all. I still find it to grin, laugh and goof around.

Anyway, that day one of my oncall MOs was Dr. H. During round he asked me "Atiqah korban tak tahun ni?"

I chuckled back. "Saya kerja raya first."

"Bagus la, berkorban la tu. Berkorban ada banyak cara."

"Yeah.. Saya mengorbankan diri." I muttered jokingly at that notion. I didn't exactly feel sacrificed, it wasn't hard for me to come to work on a day where we celebrate sacrifices.

He continued saying it is not how big or small you're contributing but whether you're sincere or not. Now as I am writing this, I forgot his exact words and partially remembered his points, but I remember thinking he is a good person and I felt glad to be given a piece of tazkirah. I'd take one anytime these days.

Yesterday at usrah Kak Joy said similar things. What is important is not how much you give, but how much is left for yourself. A man giving RM9000 away and be left with RM1000 is different from a man who gave away RM90 and left with RM10.

I do things, I work but I don't know... Is it hard? Ward work isn't hard. I somewhat avoid my MOs who make me feel awkward and stick around with MOs who give me earfuls. I dislike clinic duties especially on my postcall days and OT duties sometimes bore me. I am lazy to study when I get home...

So I guess those are the mujahadah I need to work on.

But the biggest question: how much percent of my energy, money and time have I contributed to tarbiyah and dakwah?

Kesian Pofin mesti serabut pastu kena marah Dr. Mulianis pulak tu. Maka saya pun lepak wad dia tolong dia.

Oncall General Surgery ada 4 orang. 3 first posters Pofin, Akram and I and then Lijah a third poster. Pofin jaga wad aktif laki, Am perempuan, me wad pasif laki dan Plastik serta peri. Wad Pofin ada sorang patient critically unstable and MO macam risau boleh ke kitorang handle malam ni.

Sebelum Maghrib lepas siap clerk patient kat ED, Dr. Abdah minta saya naik tolong Pofin kat wad dia. I've already settled my patient in my ward dan memang ready nak naik wad atas tolong Pofin pun masa first Kak Abdah suh turun ED.

Pofin tengah attend the critical patient. Budak SPM, alleged MVA with traumatic brain injury and hemorrhagic shock. Tengah transfuse packed cell ke lapan belas (!!), 4 FFP dan 3 cryo, sekarang tunggu ICU bed ready nak transfer dia. Allah. Aku tanya dia ape lagi tak setel kat wad and dia minta aku tolong review dua patient non acute nak show ke Dr. Anis malam nanti.

Beres. Aku pun setelkan tu sementara dia setelkan adik tu.

Masa oncall round, rupanya Pofin tak sempat review patient tu pun masa dia attend patient tu. Aiseh. Sadis tu, whatever your reason you cannot NOT review acute bed. New HOs jangan tunggu to learn this the hard way, dengar baik ape senior nak cakap (lol). Membebel habis la semua MO, kesian gila aku tengok Pof. Kalau aku boleh tepuk bahu dia dah lama aku tepuk.

Dr. H pun datang tepi aku dan bisik "Atiqah kenapa awak tak tolong Faisal? (nama sebenar Pof)" sambil muka sengih ketat.

"Saya dah!!" I whispered back. Aku pun rasa bersalah Pofin kena belasah camtu. Btw ni pehal mamat ni oncall pulak malam ni? Kalau ikut jadual malam ni Dr. Dayah. Macam vain sangat nak fikir asal aku oncall je mamat ni oncall. "Saya tanya ape boleh saya tolong masa tu dia tengah attend patient ni. And dia minta saya review patient lain."

Later, we lost that patient. The nurse noted Pofin in charge of the ward and after attending the patient stat with Dr. H, Pofin called me to the ward. When I got there, Dr. H was discussing case with the boss while us two HOs prepared to active resus.

Time of death 2225H.

Dr. Omar of Urology asked what was going on as the three of us sitting at the counter writing in the BHT. Dr. H told him and joked,

"Ni semua jadi sebab saya oncall dengan Atiqah ni."

I stared at his boyish good looks and suddenly felt like slapping him lightly. Or myself. Hello, tiga kali kita oncall sekali ni baru first time we lost a patient please. Awak bukan Nasri (lol). But I can't touch him, so I squinted my eyes in an attempt at glaring and muttered "One of these days..."

His grin never left his face. "Atiqah, awak jaga wad mana harini?"

"29. Saya oncall 5."

"Okay, malam ni awak tolong Faisal dekat sini ye."

"Baik bos." That was the original plan anyway. Sebelum aku lari naik wad ni tadi Burn Unit call aku, so now I needed to go do what Oncall 5 people should do. Aku pun berlalu pergi. "Bye."

"Nak pergi mana?"

"Nak gi Burn Unit. Ada patient complaint itchiness. Papehal call ye."

"Okay~"

URTI in a room of pre-op patients

Esok kena masuk OT Dr. Aizat dah tarik aku sebab takde orang volunteer. Aku selsema batuk sakit tekak on off low grade temperature la. OT sejuk aku tak nak pergi tempat tu.

Dr. Aizat suruh study:
1- anatomy of anterior abdominal wall
2- inguinal canal
3- anatomy of scrotum
4- how testes descend

Hmm.

---

Semalam jumpa papa kat kantin. Sampai2 je dia tengah borak semeja dengan Miqdad dan Dr. Che Wil. Kebetulan semeja maka menyembang.

Pagi tadi Miqdad kata kat aku, "Muka kau tak sama macam ayah kau la."

"Oh ye?" Aku rasa cam ramai pulak orang kata muka aku ikut ayah.

"Kau gelap ayah kau putih."

"Aku gelap sebab aku main panas la. Mak aku putih gak." Hahaha bengong Kedad. "Aku bukan anak angkat la pastinya."

Stress is in the mind of the beholder.

Harini tetiba bersin berderet dan rasa nak demam. Mungkin sebab sekarang hujan and petang tadi pasang aircond.

Mungkin sebab subconsciously I am thinking of being oncall esok, third day of Raya, a Sabtu somemore. The day where people will flock to the hospital for every reason under the sun. Haha. But it's okay, I believe Allah will only give me what I can handle.

And then jadual next week keluar. My next call on Tuesday! Patut la rasa nak demam. Esok oncall, lusa postcall, pastu AM, pastu oncall balik. Nice. We can do this!

And Ahad ni masuk Black Team ("blackish stool" as Nadiah calls it), Ahad also their grand ward round day and my postcall day. Mr. Zuraimi jiran aku is bos Black. Beliau rajin menyoal.. jangan la dia asyik target aku huuuu. Postcall bukan alasan otak lembab. Aku harap malam ni aku study banyak-banyak dengan ingatan yang kuat dan kerajinan yang jitu, ameen.

On the bright side, nasib baik bukan Urology. Kalau Uro mungkin aku mati terus. Dan esok oncall ada Dr. Helmi sengal though I'm not sure what's so bright about it.

"Sebagai HO, kerja awak adalah pastikan semua orang sekeliling awak gembira." - En. Zahir to us during first day on the job briefing

After I successfully bleed my patient for a renal profile stat that afternoon, I sent it for lab. My boss ordered me to "Refer Medical for CKD. Amik RP stat."

It was 12 plus. The result will be ready close to 1pm. As a courtesy to fellow doctors, I don't feel right referring non urgent cases during 1-2 pm. At 2 pm my boss will start PM round and the first question for me will be

"Dah refer Medical belum?"

And at this point, I would be answering truthfully "Belum-" and boss's face will change...

Logically we should refer once all data ready, but.. I don't know.

Nasri happened to be sitting beside me while I was contemplating. As pleased I was at having his company and not be confined to one "Hai Nash" greeting per day, I felt scrutinised. I knew he would be listening and I would be queried.

So I decided to call Medical anyway despite the current RP result in progress and inform the oncall MO as to why we're concerned of this patient's kidney profile. And as expected, she scolded me and told me to call her back once the result was ready. I happily thanked her because that was exactly the words I wanted to hear.

"Medical nak result dulu?" His tone was stating the obvious. I was grateful he regarded me intelligent enough to not tell me what I should have done instead.

"Yep. At least dah refer," while I documented "spoken to Dr. N (Medical), she requested an update on RP result once ready" in the patient's BHT.

When I think about it, that was a "asal lepas" kind of answer. I wasn't proud of that answer, but I really needed to have something to answer to my bosses. You haven't meet the Red bosses yet. Some of them would shoot me "awak tak menjawab soalan saya" if I answer "tunggu result RP keluar baru nak refer". I just wanted to answer with "Dah" followed by whatever buts in the world.

Anyway, I called her back at 2 pm just to inform her that the blood urea and creatinine were normal, which I bet from her tone and choice of words when I called her earlier would shot me again for not waiting for the result before calling her in the first place, basically saving us from having to deal with each other today. But it went to voicemail. I called later at 2.20 pm and again went to voicemail.

I felt God was totally on my side then because immediately after that my round started and I was lucky enough to have an answer of "Dah refer Medical, she asked for an update when result ready. Result dah siap. Urea creat normal, tapi patient hypokalemia 2.9." Lol.

Had I wait till 2 pm to refer, I wouldn't have referred the case at all before round and would have been at the receiving end of "dik saya suruh awak refer Medical kan!" should the urea creat results were abnormal.

I wish Nasri will read this, haha.

Back home I discussed my situation with dad and he said;

(A) yes I should have waited for the result before referring, but next time I should just say "the result is still in progress, but we would appreciate it very much if you could still take a look at this patient."

(B) dad understood my dilemma of having to please my bosses and everyone else around me. He said I should try to balance this. How, he didn't say. I guess some things are to be figured out by experience.

(C) as a medical-based consultant, dad had more problems with surgical than they ever had with him. "They're always late." One time ago dad had a suspected case of intestinal obstruction. His team referred to Surgical and the MO said he will come review later. I don't know how late was later but when dad was doing round and Surgical had yet to review the patient, dad called the then HOD and said "your surgeons are lazy."

The then HOD scolded his MO and said MO came to review the case on the spot. And subsequently the surgeons all were angry at dad. "Kami bergaduh masa tu."

And I thought, maybe being targetted as Dr. Hanifah's kid was a result of their feud back then. Dear God.

---

The same medical MO I referred her for an updated management for one of our patient under their care for HAP diagnosed on the 17th who we wanted to discharge. I told her patient had been afebrile for the past few days, comfortable under room air, no cough nor SOB, tolerating orally well, lungs minimal crept at left lower zone...

"Platelet?"

"Last result was 19th-"

She scolded me because the latest FBC was 19th and no one cared to repeat FBC after that. "Macam mana awak tahu patient dah okay?! FBC pun tak repeat!"

I had no answer for that. We only repeated daily calcium haha FML.

"Calcium je jaga! Kalau nak discharge sangat, tukar la jadi tab cefuroxime! HAP pun tak reti manage ke?!"

Truthfully I wanted to answer "Saya tak tahu, sorry first poster noob. Kalau saya tahu pun boleh ke saya tukar je management Medical? Boss Surgical saya pun tak buat camtu." But she was obviously having a bad day and as a wiseass I know when to be wise and when to be an ass.

I replied her with a bright smile instead. "Okay, terima kasih doktor. Nak bagi berapa lama ya?" She answered curtly and hung up.

Then I realised; what dose?! What dose?! Gaaa what dose?! Why these people think I know everything!

---

For another patient with diverticulitis keen for discharge, I don't know what to change IV Cefobid 1gm BD to oral. So I searched in the Blue Book. In vain. So I asked Wong as he was nearest but his answer was so fast and I sort of heard-not-heard what he said. I then asked my teammates but no one replied. Should I call my MO to ask about drugs- nah, no way, nuh uh.

So I messaged the best MO in the world, Bawarouq. Haha manja gile... I was ashamed of myself but felt very grateful. He even wished me "ganbatte!"

Sigh. I need to work harder and study smarter.

---

Speaking of branulas, Arif inserted one on Cik Mala this morning. It was pink and Arif inserted it (to me) in a weird angle of her dorsum. Patient complained of pain later in the evening and boss ordered the branula be changed.

It would have been the fourth branula for Cik Mala. K tried and failed twice, so I was up next because I was the only other Red in the ward who hasn't try yet. Arif and K are my senior HOs and I was sort of amused at the third trier be the less experienced of all.

So I sat next to Cik Mala, assured her, searched for a vein while K observed and Arif behind me telling me to hurry up because he was standby in case I failed. I got the branula in in one go, no bunk. Nicely done.

Arif complimented me hehehehehehe. I felt proud. And for the sake of Cik Mala I hope the branula stays good.

---

I saw Dr. Adham in the morning and greeted him. I last saw him during my oncall Sunday last week. Later near afternoon I was at the counter doing paperworks and he had some other case with his team HO near me. I merely greeted him. As he finished the discussion, he passed beside me and asked,

"Okey dik? Beres?"

"Beres," I replied. I wasn't sure what that was about, I half thought he was going to viva me the surface anatomy of liver right there and then. It felt weird to be asked that so suddenly, did I look grim?

But I appreciate the gesture. Hehehe. And I forgot to wish him Selamat Hari Raya.

---

We started with 15 patients for Red team and ended with 5 patients. Haha 10 dischargessssssss!

Granted post Eid will be a feast of work for us, but I'll be happy while I can.

Always choose to be proud and happy

Umair seems to be happy when she reads of my miserable moments, so let me share one just in case everyone else thinks I am gullibly happily working with no worries.

Today I was allocated to the OT. Our team rules regarding OT stated that:
1) the person going to the OT SHOULD NOT review patients in the morning in view of no one to properly present the case during AM round.
2) if s/he does review, passover properly
3) should the team were unable to answer to the specialists during round, don't give "orang yang review masuk OT" as an excuse.

So today I came to work and felt jobless. My teammate M was oncall last night and he looked busy and miserable. So helpful me went and asked him,

"What can I help with except for reviewing? I'm on OT duty today."

He looked at me thinking and said, "Just go and review."

"Okay..." And so I picked the nearest patient to me who I reviewed her post op yesterday. Day 1 post op bla3 currently tolerating orally well, throbbing op site otherwise tolerable pain bla3.

While I was reviewing, our team leader noticed me as he came to review the next bed.

"Eh? You're reviewing?" He looked surprised but maintained his happy face.

"Yeah I asked M if I could help with anything and he asked me to review."

"Alright. Passover to me."

I noted her dressing was stained with hemoserous, so I discussed this with A and he suggested for me to write the plan for the outer dressing to be changed and to leave the dressing to the nurses. It was 7am plus. Today's round will start at 9am so the nurses should have plenty time to carry out my plan, I have to go to OT before 8.

After I was done, I presented the case to him including my findings and my plan. "Would you prefer to examine the patient yourself?" I added understandingly.

"Yes," he grinned.

And then I went for OT. After the op was done, one of my MO came just out of the round and asked why didn't I passover the case I reviewed properly to my teammates. I asked her to elaborate more because I didn't understand what was going on.

"Boss was mad because the dressing was soaked. And M said the one who reviewed the case went into OT."

I felt grim. Wth was going on. Nice of you to turn on me like this when it was you who asked me to review and when there's no me to defend myself... nevermind. And what happened to A? I passed over to him.

"When I reviewed this morning, the dressing was not soaked. I noted she felt throbbing at her op site but no pain, and the dressing was stained not soaked. I planned for the outer to be changed and I passed all this to my teammate." Heck it was A who suggested for that plan. What happened to him and me passing the case over? Did it not happen?

"Ooh okay then. Just next time make sure the dressing isn't even stained when the boss comes for round. They don't care how many times you change the dressing."

"Okay doctor."

And I felt grim the whole day. I realized what kind of person M was and I thought never mind him, what is important is that I never do such a thing to my colleague. And I don't want to be a person who wouldn't help him in the future just because of what he did. I will treat everyone nicely because I want to be a good person.

I finished my job at the elective OT and halfway back to the ward my phone connection returned (ACC building has the worst coverage in the whole hospital) and I realised one of my friend covered for me in the emergency OT. So I called him and told him I would go to cover his duty at his ward.

Done deal. I didn't want to go to my earlier ward and deal with M and A, but I went anyway to get my bag and water bottle. M and A were settling the post AM round job and didn't acknowledge me... and I didn't feel like either. But I still felt grim. I need a hug or sunshine sightings.. huhu where are the Green team when I need them?

I saw Fadzlin in the procedure room doing some form work and I went over to her.

"Zelin I need a hug."

And so she gave me a hug and asked why. I told her what happened and she said,

"Ahh. M. He did about the same thing to me yesterday. I got scolded by Dr. Ann because of him."

"What did he do?"

"Later I'll tell you. I need to go to the casualty." And off Zelin go after reassuring me. I went to the ward upstairs and silently settle loose jobs and PM review. Then I noticed A wrote in our WhatsApp group asking the morning OT person to cover Pofin who went in the emergency OT and stated,

"and make sure to review properly" plus his smiley face.

And I felt grimmer, haha... Basically he implied that I didn't review the patient properly. Never mind, I'm still learning and I am not as good as they are. I will learn and be better.

But what did I do wrong? I was too grim to ask them now and this was the sort of things to be dealt with face to face. Nevermind, I will go and review the BHT later after I was done with this ward.

When I went down later, the patient was already discharged.

---

I told this to dad but he only listened in silence while his gaze fixed on the TV he wasn't even watching. After I changed the topic to management of CDH only he replied me.

I guess I could never complain to dad. I should not complain to dad. This is just one of the things he probably faced and now it's my turn.

---

Anyway, the day ended nicely. I was reviewing some cases with K my other teammate and we were standing in the hallway. I saw Nasri coming and despite in a discussion, I turned to him just as he neared and clearly greeted him,

"Hai Nash."

"Hai Atiqah." I could hear his smile. And then I resumed discussing, noticing K's minute change in expression. But I don't care. It felt good to properly greet him, hahahaha.

And today I walked out of the ward with Wong my favourite house officer, Mr. Wong as we call him. He asked me again where did I live and I replied him,

"Lunde," with a grin.

"Ala I lupa Atiqah orang Kelantan, asyik ingat tinggal kat kuarters je."

I grinned. His response when he first realised I am a Kelantanese was "cis kurang asam, tak kecek Kelate pun!"

"Saya jiran Mr. Zuraimi, selang dua rumah."

"Yeke!" Wong lighted up. And he proceeded to ask how big was his house, what car he drives, what does his wife do, how old are the kids and ultimately how old was Mr. Z when he got married.

Hahahaha Wong is such a gossip monger.

It is important to make people feel less awkward

Today there were medical students in my ward. I was reviewing the patient opposite them clerking and didn't bother them. But then Hafizah and I recognised their patient as our patient readmitted. So I dropped my reviewing (lol) and we and Yun approached the patient. I didn't recognise her face but I recognise her name. I greeted her and asked why was she admitted.

"Ooh ERCP, hehe kak saya yang call akak minta akak gi Hospital Tumpat amik darah haritu."

I turned to my colleagues. "Aku yang discharge patient ni." Bagus kan budak Red discuss dengan Green pasal kes Black team. Us house officers belek-belek BHT dia, hmm apsal boss Black tak request amylase? Never mind tak noted je kot, ada LFT and RP taken I guess sekali la amylase bwahaha.

I looked up and realised we crashed the medical students. "Hai," I greeted them in a friendly-before-bullying-people manner. "Per abdomen ape findings korang?"

They grinned sheepishly at me and I automatically laughed back. "Selamba aku buli orang, haha abaikan. Korang dah Paeds belum?" Because they're Lincoln students and I know my dad took Lincoln students for teaching.

"Dah," the one guy between the three students replied me.

"Ooh bagus2."

Yun said to me, "Hai tanya Paeds je kee."

"Of course la Paeds jee."

Later I was reviewing another patient and the guy student came beside me to pinjam the ward's hammer. I stopped him for a chat.

Me: Korang tahun berapa?
Him: Fourth year. Harini second day fourth year.
Me: Waah. Good luck ye.
Him: Thank you.

Me, calculating. Sebagai senior (ecece) wajib la bagi nasihat. "Okay, make sure you have fun ye."

"Haha. Alright."

And then I continued reviewing.