"Are you busy? Can you come and get me?"

When it comes to giving rides, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I won't let you take a Grab. I'll send you to the airport. I'll drive slow, for the sake of spending time with you.

But to ask for your time for me? I won't do that. Because I don't expect anything from you.

I remember how I walked home from KB Mall in the spring rain because my parents couldn't fetch me and I didn't want to call anyone. I thought of you, I thought of another friend. I didn't trust taxis, so I ended walking almost an hour in the rain.

Or when I was admitted and I didn't tell you nor the team because I imagined I would be sad if you guys knew but didn't come visit me.

I know how I feel about you, what you are to me. But I don't care how you feel about me, what I am to you. At times I think I'm appreciated as much as I appreciate you, other times I think I'm too much for even expecting anything.

Do I value myself less? I think it's me being selfish. I become loose so I wouldn't be hurt.

Luqman is here

Went to KB yesterday with Luqman, Mizah and Kudus trying to catch a glimpse of Aki in the rain. We played poker and we did.

In between me bitching I shouldn't have slept all night last night and finish the MC script so that I could enjoy Sunday with them. But I slept all night last night and now poor my MC partner waiting for the script.

"Kesian Elango" was my mantra as I tried to motivate myself to finish it with my laptop on my lap somewhere in Lasau Podi, surrounded by beauty and cow's dung.

I finished it and emailed it to him before 7pm and drove us back to KK.

Today was Day 1 of the event. I tended to Luqman and he went to eat with the kakak-kakak while I did my work. And then I came back to check on him if he needed anything and he was then talking to my MC partner with his louder, kidding tone.

"Hey bro kenapa you marah Atiqah semalam?"

I grinned mischievously and went to hide behind Luqman, mimicking a kid hiding behind her protective older brother. Elango was spluttering and I caught a glimpse of his awkward, don't-want-to-get-in-trouble face while the kakak-kakak laughed at me. Then I left to continue my work with happy skips.

I guess I'm just a kid who wants to be pampered once in a while. I've been good on my own, living here on my own. Please praise me, do scold me and let me sulk for a bit, and please shower me some love sometimes. Just for a second. Let me feel vulnerable and safe for just one second.

And I'll skip happily back to reality soon after.

Specialists nowadays are young

I was standing in front of the elevators with the broken button, just staring at the numbers absently. Both elevators were coming up. I looked outside to where the sun was setting blindingly before turning back to the moving numbers, shouldering my heavy bags. I wanted to go home.

A girl appeared on my right and waited for the elevator with me. She noticed the button didn't light up and went closer to hit it.

"The button's broken," I quipped absent-mindedly. "You either go to the fifth floor and wait for it there, or you pray someone's dropping off at this sixth floor."

She stopped and nodded at me silently. I was obviously doing the latter. I noticed her eying me up and down but I merely stared at the moving numbers blankly.

"Are you a medical officer here.. or are you a specialist?"

That made me turn. Whatever made her think the latter? She was talking to me with confidence laced with cockiness of a seasoned medical officer, but she didn't know who I was and I've never seen her around. She must be new.

"I'm Atiqah, a medical officer with Surgery," I turned my head towards the direction of my ward. "And you are?"

"Ulfa. I'm a first year Paeds trainee."

"I see. Welcome to Likas."

"Thanks."

The numbers stopped at Five and it went down. I sighed. "Looks like we gotta go down."

In which Bebeh went back to Tawau and Atiqah needed IV in the evening.

Today deserves a post for itself.

Junainah arrived from Tawau and we discharged Bebeh.

I'm gonna miss threatening her to behave by shouting out Chung's name. "Chuuuung tengok Putri ni." Chung is in UKM now but his name still gets her froze up it's funny.

I hope she grows up strong. She's a strong kid.

In the evening I got so sick. I was trying to fast but my head was splitting and I almost threw up in the middle of round. I was squatting in front of the elevator near PSICU and the staff nurse saw me and rubbed my back soothingly asking if I'm okay. I told her I'm not and I need to go back to my ward for drip. I was swaying with my steps and was trembling by the time I showed up in front of my nurses begging for help.

Verron inserted the pink line for me, I gave her my left hand while cradling my head and didn't even flinch because the headache was more painful. Jojie hooked me up to the drip, made the bed for me and got me water and PCM. I slept in the treatment room and Sister Yosima tucked me in. She must have felt sorry for me. I felt pathetic but whatever, I still have to drive back after that and tomorrow's a long day. I thanked all of them repeatedly before sleep claimed me.

I woke up after two hours, the drip finished and they had clamped it while I was out. I sat up, deemed myself fit enough and cleaned up after myself. Threw everything properly. My steps were steadier and I went to thank them again before I went to pray and heat up the porridge I packed for my oncall yesterday. (I figured I'll be sick at some point and bought McD's porridge on Saturday lol imagine the foresight).

Tomorrow I have OT and then presenting POMR at JKN. I don't think I should fast tomorrow. This URTI is seriously screwing with me. Let's get a pneumococcal shot after all this is cleared.

It's June and this is my second URTI of 2019

On Friday I woke up coughing and sniffling. Not good. I had a flight to catch the next day. URTI on a flight means I will be in for a terrible time. I took Clarinase and PCM that day.

Woke up on Saturday with progressively worsening symptoms. Took my meds, caught my flight. Take off wasn't so bad but landing was hell. My left ear was hurting so bad I barely survived by sipping on a box of juice while jamming my finger as tight as I could into my ear hole.

Went back to my place. As expected the symptoms almost doubled. Coughing, sore throat, sneezing, couldn't breathe from all the snot, headache, ear pain, couldn't hear well from the left side, feeling feverish. My last meal was at 1pm and it was past 10pm already and I was hungry. I wanted porridge or soup or whatever I wouldn't need to chew.

I was then crashed on my bed and thoughts went to a recently read story where Ji was nursing a sick Ri, where Ri went into baby mode. I want that too. I want someone else here. I want to be babied. At the very least, I just want a small bowl of porridge in front of me.

That's enough, I said. Let's not be more pathetic, I said. I got up and took another dose of PCM and Clarinase. Took out my phone and opened the app to order McDelivery for porridge. Saw that they closed delivery by 10pm. It was then 10.30pm.

I threw my phone away and tried to sleep. I couldn't, how can I when I couldn't breathe. I was miserable. Thoughts went to that story again. And then to a memory of years back in Egypt when I walked pass this written on a wall somewhere in Mahattah Abou Rish.

Things happen because you made it happen.

So I went into writer mode. I couldn't make you happen, I couldn't make Haru materialize, but I could at least write whatever I want to happen.

Woke up groggy on Sunday and thanked my past self who redid the oncall roster and instead of initially being oncall that day, I only start my oncall on Tuesday. Thanked God for such foresight and slept all day. Woke up late in the evening and drove to McD for my much needed porridge.

Woke up on Monday feeling better. At least the ear pain has gone and I wasn't so light-headed. Went to work after a cup of coffee and my two best friends Clarinase and PCM. Put on a mask and tried to catch up.

Survived my Tuesday oncall on meds BD. Had only two hours of sleep that night I was so tired by Wednesday morning and I wasn't thinking straight. My surgeons forgave me.

And it went for the whole five days of the weekday. Woke up, coffee, meds, mask. Another meds in the evening. The ward's floor stock of PCM was depleted by me.

By Friday I had enough. I still had the intermittently felt feverish and light-headedness. I coughed so bad in the car I coughed out yellow sputum. My snot was not getting better, in fact it was yellow. Since when was it yellow? I didn't know. I haven't been thinking much about it.

I realized then I needed antibiotic. I hated it because I'm not compliant. It's going to upset my stomach and I didn't exactly have a regular meal schedule. But it's been seven days and I couldn't go on with no lights at the end of the tunnel.

So I took Co-amoxiclav in the afternoon. I had them in my bag since I don't remember when. Thanked God for the foresight my past self had to stock on antibiotics.

That evening I had a meeting which I attended with half lidded eyes. The hospital director scrutinized me wearing a mask but I was sure he heard me coughing and sniffling. I wasn't feeling bright though.

But what do you know, the snot improved. I didn't have to go blow my nose every half hour or so. I punched out and went to buy groceries. I felt like I could make dinner for once instead of eating out.

And then it hit me. I should have taken antibiotics on Saturday. God I should have taken antibiotics on Saturday itself, after I touched down. If I was someone else watching over myself, I could have made a sound and objective judgement and prescribed antibiotic to myself earlier.

But I wasn't someone else.

Just now my parents called me. Mom heard my voice and acknowledged that I really was sick. They told me to tell them if the antibiotic wasn't doing its job "because it's not the original Augmentin". Mom said she'll send some to me.

So far away. Like Sabah doesn't have Augmentin in the pharmacy.

They told me to take care of myself. Of course, who else will. Who else.

Today's Song Stuck In My Head is Taeyang's Eyes Nose Lips

We had an intimate open house today and I invited few selected friends I actually want their company. Namely Fadzlin and Bun (the couple had an open house too and they couldn't come but I met them at their place), Hariz, Amyny and Faezee, Hamizah, and Hannan.

It was a fun day. I met them, I was happy. I want to always remember this feeling.

Told Fadzlin of my worries in full length in the limited time we had. I think maybe I need to grovel at Mr. Tar's feet but do I have the time?

Bun interjected here and there, with Fadzlin around I barely need Bun now haha.

With Hariz was a more relaxed conversation. What did we talk about? I couldn't talk as much with him as I wanted because Hadi's chatty friend was sitting beside him. But I felt relaxed.

Amyny and Faezee. Then Hamizah came with Hannan.

Hannan, this guy. Seeing him after almost two years had me hyped. I was really excited when I see him. I never hide my infatuation for him and he never flinch away when I flirted a bit too forwardly so it has always been easy to keep on bantering with him.

I always complain to him that I'm not seeing him much but then I'm the one who forgets to make plans with him whenever I'm in town. I only invited him at 2pm hahaha stupid me and he already had a list of places to go so he couldn't promise. I asked him to "make me a priority" and he indulged me since I haven't met him in a while.

Yeah it's true, I'm the one who likes him more haha.

"Kalau aku tak sempat datang, kau sedih tak?"
"Agak la. Walaupun aku kata agak tapi dalam hati ibarat lurah."

My flight is tomorrow Hannan. If I don't see you today I don't know when I'll see sunshine again. Though he was actually on his way when he called to say that. He's a tease.

We bickered why Surgery nowadays requesting for USG abdomen to treat appendicitis. Our friends let us argue and I was like "tukar tempat!" so that I can sit next to him arguing but the argument dissolved quickly since I explained well why we need USG. Our friends were saying "gaduh la lagi" and Hannan was like "dah setel dah" but of course I have to go and be like "tapi aku nak gaduh lagi" since I was hyped thinking yeay our first fight! Haha I'm such a whore. God knows I haven't bickered with anyone in a long while, I miss doing this.

When we parted I was genuinely sad. He asked me to shed a tear. I told him to stop making me cry. He told me to stop being so dramatic.

Ahh but it's Hannan. I let myself be dramatic with him. He knows I love him. Neither of us know what kind of love that is. I'm really just enjoying Hannan and the freedom he indulges me with.

Bantering is one thing I haven't done since quite some time

I've been doing a lot of reading. You know what I mean, the wrong kind of bookworm. I didn't know which devil pointed it to me when I was a wee teen staying up late for it and it goes on into my adulthood, and now. I still read.

So those readings had me thinking. I've never been in a formal relationship before and it never bothers me. I've always been contend with being on my own, so why am I making a fuss about it now? Why am I now not happy with what I don't have?

Biological clock? The devil again?

I kept thinking about the misses. So I push people away, yeah. To see if they'll stay. To see if they really want me like they said they want. To see what they'll do, what effort will I see.

But they didn't. So I didn't do anything, because they came to me first.

Am I not giving chances? I said no or said nothing at all, they'll either back out or insist a little but never enough to nudge me, and they back out. So it's never me not giving people chances.

What about people that I pursue myself, ones I was interested in?

1- He turned out to be a douchebag. I even cried angrily because of his douchebagness my roommate freaked out because I never cry. I got over it immediately after that. We were both immature in our own ways.

Duration: not more than half a year

2- By the time I realized I like him I was too late, he moved away and moved on. I liked him because he makes me behave but I think I was too wild for him.

Duration: on off for two years. It was a clean cut.

3- It was a fling. He's a good friend.

Duration: fling dragged on quite a bit, but no more than a year though.

4- I know why I liked him. I know he's trouble but I know why I see him as a fresh air. But then I lost interest and I just stopped pursuing. And then I had to deal with my career limbo and had no care for anything outside myself. But I know why I liked him.

Duration: four months of my version of courting

Everything was short lived. I know I have commitment issue. Even at work, eh? How happy I was with four monthly housemanship rotation but look at me now as a medical officer, fidgeting to get away after a year in the department. Of course, multifactorial. But you have to admit this is a trend, an unhealthy one.

Thinking this through I realized I should give the next one a chance. Because I just want to see what kind of person I am when in a relationship. I want to see what I'll become.

But to pursue again? I only do that when someone catches my fancy. I hope it'll be sooner.

My choice of curse word is "bastard" because it's also my term of endearment

[13/07/2016, 22:04]

Btw nak meluahkan perasaan boleh ke
I have this colleague
One of my fave for im not sure why
We call him pofin

Can2 go on

Dia satu intake and we've been working in same posting since surgery
So he's one of the kamcingest la
Kamcing tahap we diss each other
Reliable colleague
Lately he's dissing me more openly
Hahaha
About (insert crush name here)
Coz he's friends with (insert crush name here)
Bastard has been on off mentioning (insert crush name here)
Bukan benda baru
Dia ungkit benda lama

Hahah ke sbb (insert crush name here) tu
Asyik sebut about u as well to him

He was d one yg told me (insert crush name here) liked me
They're not in recent contact
Pofin ni citer benda lama

Haahhahaha apa lg
Ustaz don berkata
Jikalau itu jodoh
Dua dua hati akan suka
HAHAHAHAH #tetiba

Masalahnya i hate this kind of thing

Then just tell it straight to him la
He should understand it considering u r close with each other
Kamcingest buddies and all that

I told him off today
After daily death threats
Harini dalam round
U know what he said to poknik
Tetiba je
"Dr.nik nak tahu scandal atiqah?"
Poknik pun beria nak tahu

Wow
Maybe because u r the joking around type
Dia inggt u r still joking around

But i pressed my pen into his back so dia xberani nak cakap banyak hahah
Insensitive jerk hahaha
Later after round
I told him to sit down beside me
And told him
"aku x tahu kau main2 ke, tapi jangan sebut dah pasal (insert crush name here). ape perasaan kau kalau kau x dapat benda yg kau nak."
"Kau nak (insert crush name here) tapi x dapat ke"
Stupid me i salah phrase ayat
🙄
Hahaha

ahahahaahahaha
Weh lawak
Why u said liddattt

So i stressed back
He replied. "Rasa geram"
"Okay bagus la kau rasa geram. Ape perasaan kau kalau aku asyik tenyeh kau pasal benda yang kau nak tapi x dapat"
"aku akan buktikan dekat kau dengan dapat ape aku nak"
I lost
Bastard
How should i handle this guy
Poknik suggested i tolak him off our fourth floor ward
Less energy used, he said
But he's a reliable colleague
Pofin buat saya teringat (insert crush name here). Which is bad
I need to burn something

Haha for me
Just ignore him

Possible I've become stupid
Okay I'll do that esok