i wish we will always be kind

The first time I needed help on a personal level in HTA was when I was oncall first time there but I forgot my charger at home. 

My battery was around half when I asked for help from my Ward 11A staffs that night, if anyone has a type C charger. I was met with frowning eyes and harsh tones "dah tahu oncall kenapa tak bawa charger".

That happened last week but even writing this now made me cry. It will always hurts how deeply those words cut. 

I left the ward. I asked the guard up front if she had a type C cable. Although she was echoing the same eyes and tone, she showed me her charger to see whether it was what I needed. It wasn't. I thanked her and left. 

I went to Ward 11D but I stopped myself from asking the staffs because although I feel the staffs in 11D were nicer than in 11A, I didn't want to risk experiencing the same thing not so soon. Then I remembered there were Ortho HOs in that ward usually stationed at the computer station behind the counter so I went there.

It was empty, but there was a charger at the power point below the computer. I went for it and it was a type C. Thank God... I stayed there for a while to charge my phone. It was just a short while before I had to leave. 

I was in the procedure room looking for a vein when my battery died. It was almost 4am and I didn't even rest save for praying Asar, Maghrib and Isya in one sitting at 9pm before going to ED. I left the ward and ran to 11D to look for that charger but it wasn't there. I guess the owner went to rest and took it with him/her. 

Then I realised the people who would definitely have a charger in the hospital are the patients. Realising that, I went inside every cubicle, during that 4am, asking every awake mom if she has a type C charger. Every single one of those awake mother would, without asking any question, show me their charger to see if it was what I needed. 

It was the fourth mother I approached who had a type C charger. Cheah's mother. I borrowed it, got a half full, before I dropped it back in her paper bag because she was back asleep by the time I was done. 

So Dear Atiqah,

whenever anyone need your help, don't question their need. Just help or do not. Imagine them being you and how much it takes for you just to ask, so please always be kind. 

Be kind because Allah has been kind to you, be kind because people have been kind to you. And I will always be kind to you. I promise I will always be kind to you. 

Just don't expect the same from anyone else and you'll be okay. It's okay. We're gonna be alright. 

payau masak kicap

Atteh's father is previously a hunter and they grew up on game meat in Kinabatangan. He said his mom is famous for payau masak kicap and that that's his favourite.

That night we went for dusk safari before dinner and we kept seeing sambar deer. But all I could see was payau masak kicap. 

salut d'amour

Today I passed in front of one of the patients' room and I heard salut d'amour playing from a child's music box. 

The room was occupied by a 2 months old Chinese patient who had an eventful neonatal period with multiple surgeries done, and this time presented with another pathology. 

The child was being discharged today and I thought, how classy. I passed in front of it few more times because it's one of my favourite piece (I particularly enjoy Itzhak Perlman's recording) and I always listen to it whenever I want to feel loved. 

The child must have been so loved. 

day 2 in hta

It's a computerised hospital and has so many patients in a ward, and we have like 3 wards? I'm starting to pick up but apparently not fast enough.

I forgot how time flies as I was swamped with work and Dato' said to me today "Time in KL moves fast. If you're still in Kelantan or Sabah time you will be behind. If the patient went down to USG at 2pm, we want the report by 1.55pm."

Well that makes total sense. 

In a way I'm glad at least he remembers where I'm from. Or perhaps I shouldn't. Sorry Mr. Tar and Mr. Mughni, Atiqah is a disgrace.

Today in HTA the junior service MOs were complaining to one another how their own colleagues left them shits. I just sat in between them, in front of the computer, doing my work with a small smile and keeping silent. 

I'm not here to change anyone, I'm not here to tell anyone how to live their life. I'm here to lay low and learn. 

Then Durrah turned to me "Dekat Likas pun ada ke service MO yang buat kerja sambil lewa?" 

I smirked. "Dekat mana2 pun ada benda macam tu."

I guess that's how this life is. Either you stay long and find yourself turning into a villain, or you transform for the better into a trainee. 

to become a surgeon who can plan a service

reported duty to our program coordinator and head of paed surgery unit UM prof shireen. the first thing she said was "there are so many people applying but only 3 of you were chosen. remember that. don't make us regret choosing you." she said so on first day online and second day when we met her at the ward. laughingly, but point taken. 

copuk applied twice. chip applied twice. i applied once and got accepted, the heck? what am i doing here? what were the committee thinking of the Atiqah that i portrayed? what does that say about the applicants? 

people have faith in me but heck why don't i? hahahaha God, help.

she emphasized that master program is a challenging and transformative journey from being a service MO whose duty is "to show up and get things done" to a trainee whose duty is to become a surgeon who can plan a service. 

"but it can be an enjoyable roller coaster ride."

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we have noble intent. i don't want to save the world like tharisini did, i just want to give back what i have been given. i think i reflected this in my essay for UM. i had no energy to write much so i just gave them a 2 paragraphs one.

REASONS FOR WISHING TO UNDERTAKE THIS COURSE

AND FUTURE CAREER PLANS AFTER COMPLETION OF COURSE

Coming from a medical professional household, it has been ingrained since my childhood that I will one day partake in medical field. I have the fortune of being involved in Paediatric Surgery since my first practice as a house officer in 2015 and have been under the tutelage of great teachers in this field from Hospital Raja Perempuan Zainab II Kelantan and Hospital Wanita dan Kanak-kanak Sabah. The journey has been humbling and enlightening thus the next rational step is to further my studies, since there is limitation in what I can offer as a humble medical officer and I believe there is more to offer once I become a gazetted surgeon in terms of expanding the service.

This world is beyond me. My future career plans will be service to the outreach community as to extend the health equity and this will also indulge me with the beauty and tranquility of the district nature and the humbling community. I plan to further my subspecialty for self and professional development in Urology as there lies my special interest, with research activities pertaining to this field.

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Urology, because Dr. Shenoufy is a urologist. Damn I love that man, the mere mention of his name brings tears to my eyes.