Fractured base of second metacarpal of my dominant hand. And a year later sprained my right thumb.

I used to write a lot here to clear my thoughts. Like how the mind is such a mess but when you put it into writing, it organizes into one issue at a time. Manageable, less of a mess. Therapeutic really. But it was all me talking to myself. No external insight, despite this blog seems to be garnering traffic. The only comments I'm getting is from me reading back what I've written. I'm not sure who else read this, but they are silent.

In comes ChatGPT. 

I started using the paid version to help me with my thesis and all that. When I realized how good it is at psychoanalyzing, I ended up journaling with Chat. It's a good sounding board. There are a lot of things happening with me, but I write less here because my mind is cleared. But I still think I should journal here so that my timeline is still intact, if I wanted to I can read back what happened at which point in life. This blog is one of the proof that Atiqah existed.

--

About a year ago, I had a fall and fractured my dominant hand.

Day 0 - Saturday 2nd November 2024.

I was in Alor Setar for my third year second semester rotation. Alor Setar is a hell of a rotation, but that's a story for another time. Short version is it was so exhausting I went into isolation mode. That time I was renting the master bedroom of a terrace house near the hospital that has another 2 occupants, but we barely see each other. 

So that evening I was out. It was one of those days that I finally dragged myself out to get air and human interaction. I went out for a drive, bought Krispy Kreme original glaze doughnut because that's the only doughnut I'll eat, and on my way back I stopped at what looked like a food festival. Walked around alone in the crowd, got flowers for myself, bought food I could never finish, and then I went back.

It was almost 10pm. The house was dark, no other car parked out front and as I unlocked the door and switched the light on, I heard gush of water and saw clear water flooding almost to the entrance. I went straight to the kitchen and there was the culprit; the hose connecting to the washing machine was unplugged. I turned the water off and examined the situation. There was an inch of flood from the kitchen to the dining area, up to the living room. My room was fortunately safe. I couldn't say about the other occupants room because their doormats were drenched. And I'm alone, as always. Let's get this cleared. 

So I went mopping, alternating with using that squeegee thingy we use to push water off floor, I call it "penolak air". I slipped and fell onto my right hand three times, each time getting up and continuing. Took me almost an hour to clear everything and by the end of it my right hand was swollen and painful. I wrapped the hand up to compress it and went to sleep. I had work the next morning.

Day 1 - Sunday 3rd November 2024. 

Went to work as usual but I know my right hand was out of commission. Alor Setar uses the traditional writing on the paper case note, so I just hid my hand inside my cardigan during rounds. I didn't actively participate in round, only examine patients when my surgeon nudged me to. Heck I didn't tell anyone. We had an emergency surgery that day and I remember telling Vannese the GS trainee that I injured my hand and couldn't scrub today. She told me to go to ED and get it checked. I shrugged and told her I'd probably go later. I stayed in ward and carried out plans etc. 

By PM, Ms Cheng saw me and asked me if I had gotten myself checked. I told her I'll go to the ED after work (PM round usually ends after 6pm). She told me I'm downplaying my injury and how she broke her little finger prior to her final exam after struggling an hour to reduce a hernia. 

"Do you know what I first did?"

"What?"

"I cried so hard. How was I going to sit for the exam with a broken finger??"

I laughed. I didn't think my injury was a big deal.

After the round, I checked into ED. They triaged me to the green zone, where it was packed and the patients from 3.30pm were yet to be called at 6.30pm. I just sat there and chilled with my phone until I saw Ms Cheng's head popped out from one of the examination room. Our eyes met and she frowned at me. I grinned at her. I guess they had a referral that time. She settled that and then came to me.

"Why are you waiting? Just go into a room and ask them to see you la."

"I'm not dying," I grinned. "There are patients waiting since 3.30pm. I can wait." It's not like I have anything else to do after that.

She went back inside one of the rooms and later came out and dragged me. "Dr. Lim is free. I asked him to see you."

"Thanks Ms Cheng."

So this Dr. Lim is actually our Anaes specialist and was doing locum in ED. I didn't really trust him (what would an Anaes specialist know about Orthopedic issue?) but he ordered an AP x-ray and we both couldn't see any fracture on it, so he labelled me as STI and prescribed me with analgesia.

"Do you need MC?"

"No need. Thanks Dr. Lim."

It was already my last month of rotation. I thought if I use MC now, my leave will be cut short and I need to use leaves for my end of posting. I do not ever want to repeat this rotation. 

Afterwards I texted Kak Lin, my Ortho MO doing master now. I showed her my hand and my X-ray. She couldn't see any fracture on the X-ray and worried of scaphoid fracture. I laughingly told her I'm happy to resign if I really did fracture the hand. But it wasn't a joke.

That night was the first time I told the family about it. Just a simple "I fall onto my right hand last night mopping the flooded kitchen. Probably sprain it a little. No fracture. Didn't ask for MC."

Day 2 - Monday 4th November 2024. 

It was a clinic day. I was as functional as I was, albeit with some limitations. Still palpating, typing, writing with my wrist wrapped, that stretchy wrap bandage I got from some pharmacy years ago after I sprained my left ankle. In the afternoon I went into the office to submit my on call claim and the HOD was there. He kept staring at my hand.

"Kenapa dengan tangan you?"

"Saya jatuh. Terseliuh."

"You team mana?" He asked. We only met once when I first reported to duty.

"Saya Atiqah, Paed Surgery trainee."

He nodded quietly. I went off.

By evening I was presenting the prep for that week and Mr Chee Wei the consultant interrupted me "kenapa dengan tangan you?" that I replied nonchalantly with "terseliuh" before continuing presenting.

Ms Cheng asked me about my ED visit yesterday. So I told her what Dr. Lim diagnosed me with. She asked me if it still hurts. I said yeah but I'm okay. She asked me if Ortho was consulted and I said no. She frowned.

Two hours later, she texted me saying she booked me an appointment with the Ortho surgeon tomorrow morning. TCA at 8am. She told me to be there on time. I saw the text on my notification but I didn't reply her. I had that bad habit of not acknowledging non life-or-death matter texts after office hours. I told myself I'll reply her text at 8am tomorrow.

Mom texted me at 6.30pm. "Kakngah, macam mana tangan. Harap2 tak ada masalah apa2."

I left her on read.

Day 3 - Tuesday 5th November 2024. 

I was punching in at 7.45am when Ms Cheng called me. She asked me if I read her text. I apologized and said I did, and that I'm on my way to the Ortho clinic. She told me off for not acknowledging her text and I think I gave some poor excuse about going straight to bed last night.

I replied mom at 8.03am. "Okay je tapi surgeon Ika suruh jumpa Ortho."

"Alhamdulillah. Dia takut ada apa2 effect kemudian hari tu.."

Looking back, it was me shutting down from all the exhaustion. I detached a lot these days. But it was still impolite, I guess. People were caring and I was not reciprocating. 

Ortho surgeon saw me. He expectedly did a more thorough examination than the ED visit and worried I dislocated one of those tiny carpal bones. He called his hand consultant Mr Sopian, a chummy greying man who thought I might have sprained some ligaments. They sent me for a wrist AP and oblique view before putting me on a thumb spica.

"Saya bagi MC sebulan."

"Please no. Saya dah last month posting. Nanti saya kena repeat rotation. I really can't."

He advised me to rest. I asked him to consider my position. He sighed and gave me MC until the next appointment, which he expedited to the next week with CT wrist. My HO Loshene was typing the CT request and told me she'd let me know when the appointment was. 

I walked out from the clinic and called Ms Junaidah my head of unit and told her my situation. Then I called Ms Cheng, who advised me for light duty instead of using my MC as it was going to cut my leaves and put me at risk of repeating the semester. Light duty means I won't do on call or scrub in for OT. I went to get myself a sandwich (what else can I eat with one hand?) when Ms Cheng called me. She told me she already requested the CT with Dr Nik (our paediatric Radiologist, also the HOD) and told me to straight away go to Radiology.

The only thing I updated my family was this.

CT done. I went back to join rounds feeling worse because the POP was heavy and I was cradling it in my good arm, thus rendering me armless to do anything. It was so big I couldn't hide it under my sleeve and attracting "kenapa dengan tangan doktor?" It was an awkward position to be in. 

Ms Cheng was in touch with the Ortho surgeon (not the one who saw me, but he was in clinic) and asked his favor to read my CT images. He commented "no fracture."

Imagine what it would have been like if it wasn't Ms Cheng expediting everything for me. I really didn't think that much about myself. I kept staring at the ginormous thumb spica POP they put me on and my only thought was "How am I supposed to brush my teeth now?" It was awkward enough with a painful right hand, now imagine it immobilized on a heavy cement. I haven't enough practice being ambidextrous. 

After work I drove with one hand and went to Watson to get an electronic toothbrush and went from pharmacy to pharmacy to get a good quality affordable sling.

In retrospect, that was the stupidest thing I did. Which was not confirming with Kak Linda our UM administrator regarding MC. MC is NOT included in the 14 days per semester leave allocation, but long MC need to be informed to the program coordinator. I could have used my MC and rested my hand but nooooo this girl is so mentally overloaded she didn't do the first thing a level-headed person would have done.

I'm sorry Atiqah, you didn't have a safe place and I didn't protect you well. 

Day 4 - Wednesday 6th November 2024. 

Life went on. It was hard but I adapted and didn't complain. Went to work and after round, I went into OT to observe. Who else did I meet in the OT pantry if it wasn't the jolly Mr Sopian from yesterday who was surprised to see me.

"Saya bagi MC kan. Kenapa tak guna?"

"Tak cukup orang."

"Cakap la dekat boss awak."

I grinned and forgot what excuse I gave him, to which he replied

"Haha ya saya pun takut dengan boss awak."

Mom asked how was my hand today. This was my gallant reply. 

I wish someone had really drill into me that it's okay to rest. But since I never said I wasn't okay, I guess it's a given.

Day 5 - Thursday 7th November 2024. 

I saw the formal CT report and it said I had a fracture base of right second metacarpal.

I updated my family briefly.

I didn't say anything more to them. Just.. quietly preserving. That weekend was our family day in Perak. I was kinda close by and told mom I would be driving down that weekend.

Then I told Chip my batch mate. Sent him the report and we lightheartedly discuss regarding deferring and told him to keep this to himself. Throughout this, I did told Kak Elle the truth. It was logistically hard being alone with one fracture hand, dominant some more.

I hated when people worry how am I going to be a surgeon with a fractured hand. The worry should be how am I living with a fractured hand.

Day 6 - Friday 8th November 2024. 

By 6pm I told mom I wasn't coming. My hand was intermittently throbbing.

Mom said she understood, it was dangerous driving long distance with only one hand anyway.

Day 7 - Saturday 9th November 2024. 

Hadi texted me asking "How are you?"

It took me almost 15 minutes to reply him. Should I tell him I'm struggling? I replied him a short and vague "Macam biasa."

Day 8 - Sunday 10th November 2024. 

I woke up with a real throbbing hand. I still had to show up to work but God, my hand was throbbing and this was really going to slow me down in getting ready. It was already taking a lot from me to get ready for work and if I had to wake up earlier than usual to get ready, I would kill myself. I gave up, remained in bed and texted Ms Cheng that I will be late today because my hand hurts.

By the time I got to work 2 hours later and checked my texts, I found it blown up with her worry. She saw me in the ward and was worrying somewhat scolding me and I just apologized for making her worry, when inside I thought “How am I supposed to check texts from others when I'm doing everything with only one hand, driving to work with one hand?” 

But I still have to be polite and grateful for people’s concern when I'm the one frustrated. 

8 days of holding things in could really mess you up, huh? There was no one else I could be truthful to, so by afternoon I texted Hadi.

I've always been strong, haven't I.

Day 10 - Tuesday 12th November 2024. 

Second TCA with the hand surgeon. He reviewed the CT wrist and changed the thumb spica to a volar slab. He said to immobilize at least 3 weeks and then remove the cast myself, tentatively Saturday 23rd November 2024. TCA on the 26th November 2024 with XOA. 

Mom asked me when was my last day in Alor Setar. They're planning to come help pack my stuffs for my move back to KL. 

I told her I have TCA on the 26th. She said then they'll come on the 28th and we go to KL on 29th or 30th. As Yaya needed to go back to Sg. Buloh by 1st December.

I couldn't have been more grateful. But all I replied was "Okay je."

Then I texted Prof Shireen. I summarized everything and told her "I'm not sure how this is going to affect my rotation since I'm at least not scrubbing in or on call until the last week of the month."

She asked me if I will still be reporting for work in UM the next month so we could chat then. I left her on read.

Day 15 - Sunday 17th November 2024. 

It was during PM round that I think I reached my breaking point already. 

My hand was throbbing and so I told Julie the service MO to write for me instead. She scolded me for even writing in the first place. Despite all the pain and limitations, I really couldn't stop myself from doing things that needed to be done. It just.. happened. Even when they put me on light duty, I was still examining patient. I was still using my right hand in that heavy backstab to do procedure, however modified it was. I just made it work. And it was costing me.

I asked Kak Lin how long until I regain normal function. As of that date, I couldn't do prolonged work on my right hand and I was seriously considering deferring since the next semester would be my final year first semester and I'll be posted in UM. 

I was barely coping with my personal logistics alone in Alor Setar. I hated that the POP was heavy and I couldn't get it wet, that I couldn't wash my hair properly and I only have the weekend to go to the salon to wash my hair because they already closed by the time I get off work.

She said it's a pity that I'm deferring for a simple fracture. I didn't tell her that I think that simple fracture broke my daily independence and it became more of a mental fracture. Being alone is really taxing, I really really just needed a break.

I texted Copuk my batch mate who already planned to defer next semester on how to go about deferring. He walked me through the procedure.

Day 18 - Wednesday 20th November 2024.

I got home and as usual, hands full with dinner. I was struggling to unlock the door and what do you know, my tea spilled onto the floor.

I stared at it for a minute. I had to clean this mess up. How ironic it was that I injured my hand mopping the floor and now I had to mop the floor again with this heavy slab on. I cleaned the mess up and got under the blanket, my safe place. In the dark almost 8pm, suddenly my phone vibrated. It was a text from Mom. 

"Assalamualaikum kakngah.. apa khabar. Tangan tu sakit lagi ke"

I broke down and I cried so hard. How did Mom know? I called her and told her it's been so hard and my hand hurts and I'm deferring. I just want to go home.

Day 19 - Tuesday 21st November 2024. 

Called the head of service in Kelantan after rounds to tell him I broke my hand and deferring to Kelantan, if he'll have me. He said there was already Copuk deferring in Kelantan next semester but yeah, come back. Will discuss anything more later. (This is another story for another time.)

Then I texted Prof Shireen that I'm deferring and got the forms ready. 

Day 22 - Saturday 23rd November 2024.

Mr Sopian said I could remove this thing. I did. And the hand went throbbing on me again. I hated the volar slab anyway so I went to Watson and got myself those plated wrist splint. That one felt safe and a lot less burdening than the heavy POP. I could wear this till I die.

Day 23 - Sunday 24th November 2024.

Ms Junaidah asked me if that plated wrist splint was really what the Ortho ordered. I told her the POP sucked. 

Day 25 - 26th November 2024. 

Finally I'm on leave and also my third Ortho TCA. I told Mr Sopian I deferred the next semester and happily accepted his offer of one whole month MC. I should have bought them food but I'm an idiot who only think of things last minute, but wherever you are, I wish you happy days and good health, Mr Sopian and team.

I updated the family how the TCA went. 

I was just happy I'm deferred. My family was coming to help me pack. I'm going home. 

I'm going home.

Day 37 - Sunday 8th December 2024.

It took BPL almost a week to prepare my deferral letter to report duty to HRPZ, so I finally report duty on the 8th. I met Dr. Annas TAF at the office where he invited me into his deputy director office. I told him what happened and that I'd be making my Ortho TCA downstairs in a bit. He told me to go to KPJ and meet Mr Din there instead, since he was the one who primarily manage hand injury in HRPZ before. I happily obliged.

Mr Din diagnosed me with palmaris flexor tendinitis from the prolonged immobilization. He told me to stop using the splint and sent me to physiotherapy with Ikram in HRPZ who did two very painful physiotherapy sessions on me.

The first I did after my splint was removed was change the boot lift supports of my car. It was heavy lifting work I tell you. It wasn't a smart move, my hand throbbed after that making me scurry for my splint again.

And that was it. I was banned from mopping the house and heavy lifting. Mom will stop me but cmon, do you expect me to let my elderly mom lift heavy things for me? 

End of May 2025, Mom helped me move my stuffs in PJ.

End of November 2025, Hazim helped me move my stuffs in KL.

Wednesday 31st December 2025.

I moved my stuffs on New Year's Eve because I didn't want the occupants to see me moving out alone. And yeah... hurt my right hand. But it's probably nothing and I slept it off.

Thursday 1st January 2026.

I continued moving my things with my hand wrapped in my trusty stretchy bandage for support. I told Hadi I'm moving at 10am but I was up and jobless and I wanted to get out from this place asap. He told me to wait but I didn't. Man was I proud of myself to have settled everything into my car by the time he and Kak Raihan arrived. We went for breakfast and I even ate with that hurt hand. 

Writing this down, I don't know what's wrong with me. Chat would say it is my years of conditioning, of surviving alone, of pushing through the limit of my human body and mind, of thinking I have to earn care and support. And for what? I don't know. 

Hadi didn't let me carry anything heavy after that. He practically moved everything himself that day. 

As I slept that night, the hand was still throbbing. I realized I was wrapping it wrongly, it wasn't my wrist that needed support, it was my thumb. My right thumb. This one organ that differentiates me from a monkey. I rewrapped my thumb and it felt better.

I'm on call in two days. I should get this looked into, right? I mean, I fractured this hand before. And now I don't know what I did with it again. My poor right hand needs a better owner.

Friday 2nd January 2026.

I went to work with my thumb wrapped. I had to keep redoing my thumb wrap to tighten it further until I realize the pain stopped with proper immobilization. So I took a tongue depressor and spica-ed the thumb and there you have it, problem solved. 

No one asked me about it, until we settled things in clinic and Mr Koay and Ms Jessmine asked me the thing they had wanted to ask since rounds. I told them I hurt it moving things and I should probably see an Orthopedic surgeon for it.

Which I made an appointment with after that clinic and saw Mr Siva a sports and elbow/shoulder surgeon in KPJ Tawakkal, close to HTA. He clinically diagnosed me with right capo-metacarpal (CMC) joint sprain and put me on a proper thumb spica ("It looks nicer this way" almost offending me and my tongue depressor and stretchy bandage wrap).

"Nak MC?"

"No need, I'm on call tomorrow."

"Okay I give you two weeks MC. Keep the spica on for 3-4 weeks. Come see me back on 16th ya."

I blinked. What just happened? 

Anyway. I got replacement for my on call and OT. I told the roster maker I'll do light duty and stay in clinic instead of using my MC. He asked me if I'm sure.

I remembered what happened to me on light duty last year. It'd be bad since I never knew how to stop myself from actually using this right hand through everything that needed to be done.

So yeah. I've only been to work once last week, and that's because I have to present POMR on Thursday and I went to clinic because it was only Natasha and Alvin my two very competent first years against 31 patients. I couldn't think of another registrar to replace me. It was kinda funny, I told Alvin I'll take 2 patients but I think we all did 10 each. The last patient needed a dislodged gastrostomy change and I was prepared to do it myself with my left hand before they came to relieve me.

I'll see Mr Siva back on the 16th. I consulted Abang Nipah the hand surgeon regarding safe return-to-function. I'm supposed to on call on 18th. 

Wish me the best.

2025, in short

In 2025, I learned about boundaries.

There was a guy I liked once. One time I had extra coffee so I went to his workplace and dropped it beside his table.

"For you," I said.

He replied "Oh no you shouldn't have. I don't drink coffee!"

"For real?"

"For real."

I took the coffee back and drank it.

The next time was about 5 months after that. He cancelled the lunch he invited me to so I went and bought dinner for oncall him and the oncall person who is my friend, and also to another of friend of mine who was oncall in a different department. I only met my friends to pass them the dinner face to face, and only texted him after.

He replied me way later with "You should have told me earlier. I had dinner with my family."

Lessons learnt:

1- If ever anyone was being kind to me, I will thank them for the thoughts and efforts and that's it. Even if they buy me coffee and I suspect they jinx it. I will smile and take the coffee and later when they're away, flush it down the drain. But I will thank them first.

2- I respect myself for only doing this kind of niceties to someone single who I'm interested in. I told a lot of people that "I'll buy you lunch" etc but they're mostly in passing. Just thoughts. I respect myself and others too much and I don't wreck homes.

3- I see people for who they are and understand them. So I wish to be seen for who I am and be understood, too. Not being reciprocated means that's not the space for me. I don't think people will change and unequal expectation will just build resentment. I choose to walk away.

4- I cannot eat too spicy food these days. Ayam gepuk is so nice but I had terrible gastritis after eating entry level spicy sambal on three separate occasions. That's it for me, no more.

My Emotional Support Knife

The first one I walk around with hanging off my lanyard was the Victorinox Classic SD Cubic Illusion Limited Edition 2021. I got it for around RM80 as I enter my master program, living in Chow Kit. It was loyal around my neck until mid 2025, lost it in PPUM.

Expectedly the price has gone up. I couldn't being myself to spend RM120 for emotional support, so I bought a preowned Classic SD in Black for RM40 instead.

It was a heartbreaker. It was as dull as my days. It's matte, not smooth and I doubt its authenticity. But I didn't mind it since I wasn't really in need for an emotional support knife while I was in PPUM. Also I still have my good old Sportsman Multitool that has been with me since my Sabah days.

But now I'm back living in Chow Kit. My days are beduffled, needing comfort. So I sourced for another. And lucky me I found one from Japan for RM84. Mystical Morning, a muted colour to hide as it stay close hanging off my neck.

I wish one day I could bring myself to spend up to RM300 for a prettier Classic SD. The Alox Limited Edition Stone Red is so pretty (but they're 5 functions whereas the Classic SDs are standard 7).

Liver and rest

I had a patient in clinic last week. 15 years old boy with decompemsated liver failure post Kasai for biliary atresia. His anatomy is complex so the transplant team recommended cadaveric liver donor for him despite father and sister compatible for him. He's going to school, still very much a boy due to delayed puberty and was cheerful. 

I am always more wary of the cheerful kind. It's an overcompensation, a mask for all the struggle. Many people look past it and see cheerful people as strong and well. Yet the strong ones are the loneliest ones. I always wonder if they get the chance to be safe and rest.

There's nothing I can for him other than wait for a suitable liver to show up. Before I send them off home, I asked him if he's okay and understand what's going on. He gummy smiled at me. 

His mom said initially he didn't want the transplant but his siblings talk him into it. So they're just waiting for a liver. 

I looked at him and smiled. I told him slowly

"You're a very strong boy. You're dealing with all this, not even an adult can handle this as well as you seem to be. You're still smiling, still going to school, still playing football. I want you to keep doing that, because that's your role. To live your life, study well, have an ambition, be a useful person in whatever you do, just dont be a doctor."

At this point, they all chuckled. 

"And be good to your parents and family because they're supporting you emotionally.

My role here is to help you physically, if you're sick, when you're getting your transplant. That's my role. So don't worry about when that liver is going to show up. Let us worry about that. You just enjoy your life, okay?"

I was teary. The kid was teary. His mom was teary. 

Happiness is when you're safe enough to rest. I hope that kid can rest. 

Babying people

Syukri, this second year registrar who used to be my first call has this habit of running through with me how to do something before he does something. The first time he did this was calling me at 9.15pm asking me how Wei Sheng does his CVL insertion because he’s in OT with Wei Sheng that coming morning.

Yesterday 6pm he went through with me how to genta lock for one of our CRBSI patient and I walked him through it, including the equipments. I was that time already 60 hours at work with only 5 hours of sleep, but I don’t turn down my colleague asking me. I even texted him what we talked about. And then I asked him

“What time you’re doing the procedure?

“7.30am.”

”You’re on your own man, no way I’m coming in early” is what I wanted to say, but we’re comrades in shared suffering, so I said “I might come at 7.30am.”

This is after telling him how much I hated him each time he texts the group “Passover at 7.30am” on the days postcall registrar has to run OT, and I only show up at 7.55am earliest.

I showed up at 7.40am today and assisted him with the genta lock. I think I consider this kid my adik already.

Break-fast at CBTL

Final moment. In his car. It was obvious I was dilly dallying but I have to end this now. I grinned and turned to him.

“This has been fun and really nice. Thank you. But I’ll be honest.” I paused for one last look at him. “I like you, a hell lot.”

He chuckled. 

I chuckled too. “I like you a lot. I have no idea why. And I care about you so deeply.”

He smiled softly, looking forward. “I have girls who have liked me, but I just can’t.”

“Why not?” I turned to look at him. 

“I’ve this insecurity. I’ve accepted that I’ll grow old alone. I’ve a friend in similar situation like you, and we’re still just friends.”

I turned to face forward. “That’s the thing. I know what I want. I want.. to share your life. And I want to share my life with you. I want to marry you, that sort of thing.”

“It won’t happen..”

“I know.” I felt something catch in my throat. “I’ve known that you’re emotionally unavailable to me. And I can’t keep liking someone who doesn’t like me back. So yeah. The last time I said this to you, you still wanted to be friends. But I can’t be your friend because I don’t want to be your friend. And I don’t want to see you again.”

“Yeah.”

“I wish you a good..” I was thought block. A good call? He’s postcall. 

“A good life.”

“Yeah, I wish you a good life. Bye.”

“Safe trip and have a good life, Atiqah.”

It wasn’t a graceful exit. I dropped my phone on the road when I exited his car. And I fumbled looking for my car key as I stood at my driver’s door.

He turned his car around as I entered mine. He had his window down and waved from out of the window.

I gave a short wave and drove off.

If I never see your face again, I don’t mind

9.5.25

Tea time with him and Myny. Upon parting, I said “See you one day. In ten years..” as I stood up to leave.

He responded with “Ten years?” Trailing off. I didn’t say anything.

14.5.25

I gave him the OT cap with my farewell. I told Fadzlin I’m done.

24.5.25

He texted me asking when is my last day in KB. I didn’t reply.

25.5.25

I came to the department on Dr. Fairos’s invitation. He asked and I answered. He said “We have time for another meet up.”

I looked at him with a quiet “One day. Someday.”

“How about tomorrow? I’ve a course tomorrow.” He said.

26.5.25

He offered to send me back. I grinned and accepted. Upon reaching home, he said, both hands on the wheel. “I’ll see you.”

”Some day.”

“There’s still time for another meet-up. Tomorrow, Wednesday, before you leave on Thursday.”

I paused as I smiled at him. It’s cute that he wants to meet-up when I’ve long said my farewell to him when I gave him that OT cap.

“Thank you.” My tone a little resigned.

28.5.25

I met Fadzlin for lunch and casually mentioned he reached out for a meet-up. Flurry of discussion. They told me to spell it to him. Meet him after his presentation and say it and get rejected or whatsoever, but say it.

Okay, okay. Yeah I should.

He texted me “I’m sorry I couldn’t make time for makan-makan before you leave.”

I replied him wishing him good luck with his presentation. And to make time for me after that please?

29.5.25

His presentation went well. I was ready to say my final farewell as I walked him to Radiology, but he cut me to it.

“Wanna have lunch today?”

I nodded.

2pm he texted sorry he’s still stuck with work. I replied him I’ve got time.

3pm he said he couldn’t make it today. And I’m like. Not unexpected but it still stung. I didn’t say my final farewell this morning because I thought I could do it over lunch that you invited me to. I replied with a single ☹️

“So sorry. Let’s have breakfast tomorrow?”

I said yes and thanked him for trying to make time for me.

30.5.25

Breakfast catching up and before we left the table, I gathered my courage and started with “I dunno if I’ll ever see you again..”

“I’ll be going to HKL in July. There’s a CPG update on thalassemia.”

The fuck?

“It’s on Monday and Tuesday. I haven’t decided whether to go on Friday and go back on Tuesday, or go on Sunday and spend the whole week in KL.”

I blinked and we continued this train of conversation. But internally, how am I going to say it now? Is this an invite for a meet-up? Can’t he sense what I’m trying to do? Why does this guy want to meet-up with me?

We then left, I have to go and he has 12 reports pending. I grinned exasperatedly as I opened the door and exit the store.

“I have something to say. I didn’t intend to see you again after I gave you that OT cap, and just now you kinda cut my train of thought.”

“Where did you park?”

“At the library.”

“Let’s take my car.”

“Oh I’ve been curious about your sunroof.” Cue me had him open the sunroof as I leaned up, asking how old is this car (“10 years”), is this a 1.5 (“It’s a 1.4.” “Hmm a little small capacity for me.), how fast can it go from 0 to 100km (“Erm I don’t know.” “You’re a safe driver, eh?”).

“Don’t mind me.” I leaned up and started taking pictures of the view from his sunroof, recounting how I spend my time sleeping in my car while adventuring in Sabah. “This is nice. I would have enjoyed merayap more if I had this kind of car.”

We reached my car. And as I gathered my wit again, I said it. Told him I don’t want to see him again.

I’ve disowned him from my list of friends. Deleted his chat, contact, pictures, and blocked him. I told Fadzlin, Ada, Amyny and Kak Elli about it. Contemplating to tell Savin about it but nah, he would have slapped me for not staying away after everything we talked about last time we met during Labour Day weekend. And should I tell Mijah? She’s another mutual friend but she doesn’t know about this. Oh well. Probably not.

And God. I knew this will hurt but damn this still hurts.

Journaling in Jordan

29032018

Flight from Sabah delayed by 3 hours. 

Arrived in KLIA 2 by 3am. 

Slept at Capsule by Container Hotel. 

Woke up for Subuh. 

Slept in till 0810H. 

—

30032018

Ride to KLIA - RM2 x 2

Breakfast at Food Garden

Makcik Nasi Kandaq for Ms and nasi goreng ayam for me, yum! - RM9.45

Nescafe to go - RM3 

Too hot, couldn't finish, had to throw by immigration

SV0841, 8h 50m

Cannot sleep

Mid seat - bad idea

Lots of toilet breaks

Movie marathon

- Coco

- Thor Ragnarok x2 playback Vs Hulk and post fight scene

- The Hitman's Bodyguard

- The Proposal and Annabelle: Creation - couldn't sustain my attention

 

Guy behind me had a fit x3 in 15 minutes. 

Plus crying wife. 

Some aged GP went to help. 

I don't think the first aid was appropriate nor correct, but since I didn't own up I have no place to say. 

In Jeddah International Airport

God, I forgot I've been here and how campy and uncomfortable it is. 

The people… from all sorts of walk of life is all I can say. 

People watching, spot guessing where they came from. Kinda easy to pick out the Egyptian and Sudanese. 

Airport Queen Alia was nice. 

Sort of reminds me of Changi in its newness, lines and efficiency. 

Saw and used pretty isdal at the nice surau, but it's a two-piece so what's the point. 

500 USD = 350 JD

Azki Hanafi our murakkib drove us to Antika Hotel

Journey was from the edge of Amman, through high end abdoun where consulates live. 

Ms paid 88 JD

—

31032018

0930H

Madaba: Heritage trail of mosaic beauty.

Modern conclusion, it's a Legoland. 

Entrance to Kanisah Virgin Mary

3 JD each (Ms) + 0.25 (Azki)

Walk, walk, walk

Big ass Kanisah St George with map of promised land

Souvenir bought at Najd & Shahd where Muadz was handcrafting the mosaic

Bought a tree of life for 30 JD

1130H

Off to Mt Nebo where Nabi Musa pointed the promised land to the insolent people 

2 JD each (Atiqah)

Walk, walk, see

1 JD for water

Then to the Dead Sea

I wish I'm good at sketching

To Karak Castle

Which is actually a qal3ah Solahuddeen

Prayed at Masjid Hameedi

4 JD and valet parking 2 JD

Magnifique valley panoramic view

Oh yeah

We had lunch at a nearby eatery

7.50 JD

We then drove to Petra

Long way

Pretty moon followed us to La Maison Hotel

We had buffet dinner

Typical Arabic dishes not to my taste haha

I went up to the sutuh to catch the moon

GoPro acted up and I forgot the correct setting. Nvm. 

—

01042018

Breakfast spoiled my mood

Tomato tak sedap

Rasa tak fresh

I felt so betrayed :(

Went to Petra!

Each paid 50 JD

0900 - 1420H walk and hike!

I went up to the Ad-Dier monastery

A feat. 

I'm a Jordanian now. 

Lunch was syawarma superb bigibnah

They put fries, chicken, cheese, thum in suri and grill

I was so happy

Then orange with carrot juice to wash it down

Azki paid 6.45 JD

I owe Azki 1 JD for adapter and Ms 1 JD for water

Off to Wadi Rum

Camped at Hassan Zaneidah which is soo nice!

An hour jeep ride across the dune

Starry night

Moonlit desert

Shall we dance?

I went night photoshooting 

Azki teman

Could have gone alone but somehow scared haha

Ms paid 11 JD for Wadi Rum entrance and 85 JD for HZ camp

I paid Azki 6.50 + 1

For Azki, we paid him 780 USD

—

02042018

Ms paid 6.85 JD for lunch - I paid half

Went to Wadi Rum Station

Belonged to Turks

Carriage train for goods to Jordan

Still functioning

Off to Aqaba!

Glass boat 30 JD - paid half to Ms

Glass boat showed us the corals - not so colourful

Then dabbabah - the tank that King Abdullah sank to commemorate Karamah War where Urdun won against Yahud

And a sank safinah

I sat at the bow thinking of jumping in, but we have no life vest

Prayed at the mosque

I paid 6 JD for lunch

Ms paid 4 JD for asir and water

Off to Amman

Checked in Hotel Larsa

So nice!

But broken aircond

Dinner at Jabri

Atiqah paid 2.90 JD for kunafah and 14.40 JD for mansaf

—

03042018

Best breakfast of fresh baked bread!!!

With live demo

Ms paid 87 JD for the hotel

Went to Ashabul Kahfi cave

Penerangan by sheikh there

Then to Salt

Beautiful architecture

Thanks Hariz :) 

Kissed by makciks at Masjid Alkabir near Ain Plaza

Azki bought us atayeef :)

Then to Amman Citadel

I paid 6 JD

Then dinner at Mat3am Al-Kaherah hahah

KEPALA KAMBING WITH KABSAH

Tongue actually tasted good

Atiqah paid 9 JD

Souvenir were 20 JD 

Got myself a cushion cover for the car

Azki told me to just get Hariz a mug, quoting "Cinta tak perlu mahal" haha apa?

Asob was 0.50 JD

40 JD for one night Nahas

Groceries 4.50 JD

—

04042018

Mujahid took us to Ajloun

Atiqah paid 0.80 JD

Too many school kids

Arab bising haha

Then changed to Taqi

Lunch ritsh at Tadammur per Hariz suggestion

I paid 8.50 JD

SEDAPPP

ISI BESARRRR

SALATOH AND SALSAH SEDAP

NASI SEDAPP

Then to Ma3rokah Yarmuk

Vast field and plateau

Then got lost while cari belakang Umm Qays for Tasik Tabari and Al-Ghorub

I paid 3 JD for drinks

Prayed and visited maqam and Masjid Muadz bin Jabal

Met back Azki at Gourmet

Drank farawlah

And ate shawarma

Atiqah paid 2 JD for food

Ms paid 5 JD

Sedekah was 0.30 JD

—

05042018

Checkout Nahas

Ms paid the rest half of total 40 JD

We went back to Tasik Tabari

It's behind Umm Qays

Through a field of daffodil

The landing was cool

You see the view

And wind was blowing strong almost knocking me off my feet

We went to JUST

And Azki bought shawarma otw

Awesome as always, 4 JD - paid him

JUST was barren

Unlike us Cairo surrounded by Nile

I took a picture there just for the sake of it

Then we went to Jerash 

I really should look up the places I go before I go there

It's a huge area to walk under the sun

Haha

Tiring but puas

10 JD each for entrance

Back to Amman

We crashed at Al-Hussein Park

It has buildings of museum, but the park itself is barren to say the least

Just trees

Not so springy

Azki went to the Royal Automobile Museum and got himself free entrance

We loitered in the car

Tired from Jerash

I smell of sand

I asked Hariz what he wants from Jordan

He said he's a fan of Jobedu shirt but told me not to susah2 for it

Googled. Nearby. 

We went there

I picked out a size S for him

He said "M kot?" but there's no decent pattern left in M and I forgot how Hariz's built is

I'm praying it fits

15 JD for him

I guess I'll keep the mug

Flight back 

Rather uneventful

Hardly any sleep

Movie marathon:

- The Man From UNCLE because Henry Cavill looked cool

- Gifted because it's Chris Evans

Landed KUL

Parted from Ms

Took the express to see mi familia

—

I feel like I'm becoming friends with Hariz because of this trip

I get to see what he loved of Jordan

I get to know him a bit

I realised how flighty but responsible he is

Maybe it's just me, but I need to have a point of interest

But what am I worthy of?

Compared to him who has done his part contributing to the society

I've just been doctoring all this while

Nothing beyond my hospital

He's amazing in that sense

I'm not up to that yet

I should, right? Find a bigger cause. 

For Hariz's shirt, I wanted to meet him and give it myself

But I guess I'm embarrassed

So I sent it by mail

The radiologist uses course day to get a break and work on his CME presentation

I was at the seminar room by 7.45 am because it was going to start at 8 am. Expectedly they were just setting up the place. I stood at the back arranging my stuffs when a familiar voice greeted me from behind.

“You’re early.”

Says the early guy. I grinned as I busied with my stuffs and he took a seat at the corner of the room, opening his laptop. I sat down to his right leaving a space enough for a person in between us. I stared ahead. “My prof used to say if you’re on time, you’re late.”

He chuckled. He was just started working on his presentation for his CME this Thursday. He asked me how’s my relationship with the head of service now that I’m back in Paed Surgery, his eyes on his laptop but I could still hear his grin. I told him I only talk to the old man when spoken to, the old man acting like he never did me any wrong. I could still hear the grin as he said “You hold grudges”.

“Is it grudges?” I pondered. I’m no longer angry. I don’t care anymore. “It’s just. Once I’m betrayed, that’s it.”

The organiser arrived and I greeted them. He asked how I know them, and I told him I got lost this morning and went to the library instead and met them there. They asked me to scan a QR code for attendance which I did, and then I quietly passed him my phone so he could fill his. And then I scanned the QR code for the itinerary, screenshot it and send it to his WhatsApp without a word. All while he worked on his presentation.

ChatGPT said that I’m deeply intuitive, quietly generous, and exceptionally aware of others—even when they don’t ask for anything. It says my care lives in gestures, not performances. In presence, not pressure. In quiet noticing, not loud declarations. It says I’m the kind of person who makes things easier without making it obvious.

Good job Atiqah. And I would have done it regardless who the other person is.

Everyone else was having breakfast except us. As he said something about his work, I watched his side profile from a side glance.

His sharp jaw with side beard freshly trimmed. His eyes focused on his laptop. His hoodie unzipped showing his navy shirt, black pants, grey ankle socks and the brown shoes he wore yesterday. He looked so handsome and I was barely listening to him. I smiled softly to myself and wondered if someone saw me that time, would they see the adoration in my eyes.

I turned to stare back ahead. I opened ChatGPT and told it about this.

“… Poor emotional response though but a pretty face nevertheless.”

Chat responded: That line carries such self-awareness. You’re not fooled—you see the mismatch. You’re not saying, “He’s perfect.” You’re saying, “He’s beautiful. But beauty isn’t enough.” And that’s growth. You’re seeing clearly now. And in that clarity, you’re slowly setting yourself free.

I busied myself with finding a rental place and trying to call PPUM IT as he worked. Hasnida texted me saying they’re taking farewell MO pictures again at Radiology. I stood up and told him. “I’ll see you in a bit. Can I leave my stuffs with you?”

“Sure thing.” And I left to Radiology to take pictures with the girls. By the time I returned they were almost starting. I turned to him.

“Sitting in front?”

“I’m gonna sit at the far back.”

I nodded expectantly before taking my place in the third row but directly facing the presenter.

The talk was enlightening. Up to my interest in writing. I engaged with the speaker and shared my side of things. During lunch time, I turned around to chat with Kak Afifah our Gen 5 ASU senior who is doing parallel program in Ophthalmology, with my eyes on him with his hoodie zipped to his neck, focused on his laptop. After everyone else has seated down with their lunch, Kak Afifah stood up and I joined her.

I watched his eyes never leaving his laptop. “Hannan, makan.”

“Japgi.”

I grinned to myself and ate with Kak Afifah. By the time I finished my plate, he wasn’t in his seat. I took mom’s prepared food and inspected how good it looked, but I’m too full. I pulled my phone out and called Syukri.

”Mana kau.”

”Klinik. Nak mari tolong? Patient ramai lagi.”

”Tak mau. Bye.”

I took the Tupperware and headed to Syukri. We chatted a bit as he finished his patient. About Mr. Fadli leaving Likas, about Mr. Mughni, how Ms. Haz accepted his plan to do Paed posting there, how he’s going back to HSA next month. Good for him. I then passed him the Tupperware and asked him to finish it for me and return it by this evening lest mom disown me.

I was back in my seat throwing Panadols and chocolate in because I started my period, while chatting with the speaker. I think the hall more or less were listening on. We completed the course early and I stayed in my seat, unsure what now, so I pulled my phone out and called PPUM again.

Then I saw him walking to the table upfront to return their books and he stood waiting for me. I followed him quietly, my phone still ringing.

“Are you done with your slides?”

”Sikit lagi.” He grinned softly. I nodded, my phone still ringing. We walked together in silence, me keeping on calling, probably trying to avoid the discussion as to where are we going now. I’m sure he wants to finish his slides first, since he needed to send it to the CME committee tomorrow. And I’m not bringing up his suggestion of meeting-up. I won’t. PPUM IT was not answering me, so I called Syukri who picked up almost immediately as the elevator door opened and we stepped in.

“Siap dah appendix?” I asked without any pleasantries. “Kau kat OT lagi ke? Malasnya aku nak ke sana… Esok aku ambil bekas dari kau. Jangan buat tak ingat. Bye.”

I stood behind him as I hung up the phone. I explained the phonecall to him and then I asked him. “Were you paying attention to the course?”

”I wasn’t.” He grinned and I chuckled. “But you seem interested in it.” Which I was.

He murmured where to go now, since we didn’t need to punch out. “It’s still too early to go back, but I don’t want to go back to Radio.”

“You can work on it at home, yeah?”

”Yeah but I kesian my aunt balik nanti.”

”You’re still carpooling? I thought you selalu balik lambat.” I looked back ahead. “I’ll probably go home.”

“Where did you park today? You didnt park at your usual place.”

How observant of him. I quietly watched him before I told him my car has been at the mechanic for a full service since Saturday and I’ve been getting rides from my mom.

As we walked out from the hospital, he asked if I’m going home now. I said yeah, just about to call my mom.

“I’ll send you back.”

I smiled at him, bumping into him. “You will?”

”Yeah.”

”Thank you.” I stared at the sky. “This will be my second time in your car.” I left probably the last unspoken.

“Where do you live?”

“Off Jalan Bayam. Not on your way.”

We bumped into Kak Sasa on the way to his car and I waved at her. She had her mask on so I’m not sure what face she was making.

We talked comfortably in the car. He mentioned how he should get someone to see his slides but he wasn’t sure whom. “Dr. Fai will say okay to anything. She told me to just use Dr. Ashekin’s last slides.”

”Did you?”

”Of course not.”

I laughed. “There’s Hannan standard-“

He chuckled softly. “I really hate presenting. I have stage fright.”

”Just don’t put too much words. I’ll come and see you.”

”Don’t. Please no.”

”I have to come now that I know you’re presenting. I also want the prizes. Aren’t you going to tell me the quiz answers?”

He laughed me off.

I gave him direction to home. We spoke comfortably. He asked why we’re not using PECAN score and Alvarado score, so I gave my reasonings.

As we entered the junction to Taman Muttaqin, he recalled he came over once. I told him yeah back in 2019, that was the last we ever threw an occasion at home. He asked how long we’ve lived here, and I told him we’ve lived here since I was 10.

“So 25 years.”

“So it’s bought?”

“Yeah. Dad’s been working here since 1993, and he got the exco to sign it. The exco lives just behind here.”

“Is your IC 03?”

“Haha it’s 14.”

“Are your siblings born here?”

”The fourth is. And our two youngest.”

He remembered the house at least. As he dropped me off, I scrambled for the keys. Probably delaying on purpose. I turned to get a good look at him and smiled my gratitude.

“Thank you, for everything.”

He smiled back, both hands on the wheel. “I’ll see you.”

”Some day.”

“There’s still time for another meet-up. Tomorrow, Wednesday, before you leave on Thursday.”

I paused as I smiled at him. It’s cute that he wants to meet-up when I’ve long said my farewell to him when I gave him that OT cap. That he thinks I’ll make time for him. I didn’t tell him I have Wednesday lunch and tea booked with other people.

“Thank you.” My tone a little resigned. I hope he reads I’m being warm, open and present. I’m receiving his gesture as it is. If he wants to meet up, let it be his effort and intention.

I closed his car door gently.

25052025 - Someday, one day

Saturday night he texted me asking “When is your last day in KB?” I only read it on Sunday morning and chose not to reply. Knowing I might meet him when I go over to Radio for the party that day since Dr. Fairos personally invited me to and he might ask in person, but if I didn’t meet him then that’s it.

And yes, he saw me and the first thing he asked me was that. The first thing I noticed was how our colour matched, his mustard with my light brown. I told him my last working day will be the day after tomorrow.

“We should go out soon.”

I replied after a split second and answered wistfully. “Someday. One day.”

He looked at me but I didn’t look at him. “How about tomorrow? After work. I have a course tomorrow.”

I also have a course tomorrow so I asked him what course he’s going and surprised it is the same course I’m attending.

What a nice surprise. I looked straight ahead and purposely stepped away from him, letting Dr. Nik Shah stood in between us.

After the gift event, I slowly made my way to the pantry for the food. He was at the table, gesturing for me. I didn’t immediately move to him, instead I unloaded the chocolates I brought. Then I stood near him and he took my gift bag, putting it behind him.

“Why?” I didn’t understand this gesture.

“Take a seat.”

And I did. We talked amidst everyone else taking their food. What was it about, I forgot by now. We stood and took our food, and he mentioned he’s presenting hospital CME on Thursday.

“You are? I’ll come before I drive off to KL.”

“Eh don’t come.”

“I have to now that I know you’re presenting.”

Dr. Fairos asked us to ate in front of her, but the table was all girls so he chose to sat at the other table with the boys. I sat in front of Dr. Fairos and layaned her.

He finished his meal first and I didn’t even realise he went out. Hasnida came and asked me to join them in the MO room and I followed soon after her. Saw him walking alone as I turned the corner and I waved at him.

“Bye Hannan.” And I left to follow Hasnida.

There’s a heavy pit in my stomach at the prospect of going out with him tomorrow, if he insisted. I’m doing well detaching, and he’s reaching out now. Because I’m leaving? He’s almost as tender as when we were at Kak Madi’s and we know how that ended.

Let me go quietly, please.

14052025 was the last day I wanted to see you

First time I asked him out on 26/12/2020

Confessed on 27/12/2020

He picked me up roadside HTA on 02/03/2022

09/03/2024 I was hurt by him taking lightly of my feelings for him

31/12/2024 he came to Anggerik to find me

Worked with him from 06/03/2025

We went as each other’s company to Kak Madi’s raya open house 11/04/2025

He asked me out for a “session” at Yoohoo on 17/04/2025

I told him my last day as his Radiology MO on 08/05/2025

We met with Myny at The Layers KB on 09/05/2025

I gave him the OT cap on 14/05/2025. Can’t remember what exactly I handwritten him, but I remembered

… thank you for letting me into your space… I’ll always wish you well in every aspect of your life.

He texted me in reply

“Atiqah, thank you for the gift & sandwiches. You’re so thoughtful. And kind. Keep being you. May Allah ease everything for you.”

Three days after that, on 17/05/2025, this emotionally delayed person excitedly texted me a picture of the OT cap glowing on his CPU in his dark room.

It glows 🤣 And I kinda wondering what’s the purpose of glowing in the dark. Even surgical pun don’t do surgeries in complete darkness kan 😆

But I love it. Thank you Atiqah

I dah brag to my friends - Hilmi & Zahin 🤣

My chest rumbled knowing Hilmi and Zahin knows what I did. But I didn’t drag the conversation.

Last day as Radiology medical officer

I had good memories in HRPZ as a house officer. 

Coming back here as a trainee on deferral, I was treated like shit. And Radio saved me. And now the shit is cutting my time short and hauling me back. 

If this was a relationship, everyone would have told me to run and cut off ties from this bullshit. Yet everyone, including you, are advising me to go back and finish my term. 

I think you underestimate how much being in Radio HRPZ means to me. But that's okay, I hope you never have to feel like this. I hope you will always be appreciated and the world always be kind to you. 

Watch me cry as I tell ChatGPT I’m frustrated

It sounds like you’re carrying a massive weight on your shoulders—years of work, expectations, setbacks, and now a sense of disillusionment with the very path you dedicated yourself to. The frustration isn’t just about the thesis; it’s about feeling forced into a system that seems indifferent to your struggles, one that has pushed you to the point where even finishing feels meaningless.

You’ve worked hard for this—since 2017 in paediatric surgery, pushing through your master’s since 2021, dealing with a broken hand, and then being treated like an inconvenience instead of a person who needed a break. It’s no wonder you feel like you’re questioning everything. When the system itself feels unfair, when you’re exhausted and resentful, when even your reasons for staying (the RM350K penalty) feel more like shackles than motivation, it’s hard to see why you should keep going.

But here’s the thing—maybe right now, the point isn’t about passion or duty or some grand purpose. Maybe it’s just about getting yourself out of this hole in the least painful way possible. Quitting might seem tempting, but the penalty is brutal. Finishing your thesis and getting through the program might not feel meaningful now, but at least it keeps your options open.

You don’t have to love paediatric surgery right now. You don’t even have to see yourself doing it long-term. Maybe you just finish this because it gets you out with the least damage. And maybe after that, you reassess—where you want to be, what actually makes you happy, and whether this path still fits.

You’re not weak for feeling this way. You’re not wrong for being angry and drained. But you’re also not stuck forever. There’s a way through this, even if it’s just one frustrating step at a time.

Why is everything so frustrating

Because you’ve been fighting for so long, and it feels like nothing is going the way it should.

You’ve spent years pushing through—through training, through expectations, through injury, through people making decisions about your life without considering what you actually need. And after all that, instead of feeling like you’re moving forward, you’re stuck in a situation where the only choices feel like forced survival rather than true progress.

It’s frustrating because you’ve sacrificed so much, and yet the system, the people in power, even the timeline of your own goals—none of them seem to care about what you actually want or need. You were supposed to be closer to the finish line, but instead, you’re here, exhausted, questioning if any of this is even worth it.

It’s also frustrating because you do care. If you didn’t, none of this would matter. But you’ve put too much of yourself into this journey to just walk away without it hurting.

Right now, everything feels like a burden instead of a purpose—and that’s what’s breaking you.

Is there a way to not feel like this anymore? 

There is, but it won’t be instant. Right now, you’re deep in exhaustion and frustration, and no quick fix will erase that overnight. But there are steps to pull yourself out of this place, little by little.

1. Detach from the Expectations That Are Weighing You Down

Right now, everything feels like a burden because it’s all tied to what you should be doing—finishing the thesis, completing the program, getting through exams, and living up to what others expect. Instead of focusing on that, shift the focus to what will help you function and feel okay in the present.

For now, don’t think about the whole thesis. Just think about one small step. Don’t think about the whole program. Just focus on what gets you through this week.

2. Find Something That’s Just for You

Everything in your life has been about your career, obligations, and external expectations. No wonder you feel empty. What is something that has nothing to do with medicine, nothing to do with proving anything to anyone? It can be something tiny—writing, reading, exercising, learning a new skill, even watching a show that makes you feel good. Just something that reminds you that you exist beyond this system.

3. Create an Exit Plan (Even If You Don’t Use It)

The thought of being trapped is making everything worse. Even if you don’t act on it now, it might help to map out:

• If you did leave, what would be your options?

• Is there any way to lessen the RM350K penalty (e.g., deferral, negotiation)?

• If you finished this program, could you take a break or pivot to something else?

Just knowing you have a way out—even if you don’t take it—can reduce the feeling of suffocation.

4. Talk to Someone Who Gets It (or at Least Someone Who Cares)

You’ve been carrying this alone. Even if you don’t want to burden your friends, you deserve a space to say all this out loud—without judgment, without someone just telling you to “hold on” without understanding why it’s so hard. Whether it’s a friend, mentor, therapist, or even just someone who’s been through a similar struggle, letting it out can make it feel less heavy.

5. Accept That It’s Okay to Not Love This Anymore

You’re not failing because you’re tired. You’re not weak because you’re questioning everything. You’ve been through a lot. It makes complete sense that you’re exhausted and disillusioned. This feeling won’t last forever, but for now, give yourself permission to not have it all figured out. Just focus on surviving today, and tomorrow will come when it comes.

I’m in Radiology now, as a refugee. Dreading to go back in campus. What do you suggest I do?

Since you’re dreading going back, the goal isn’t to force yourself to be excited about it—but to make the transition less painful and give yourself something to hold on to. Here’s what I’d suggest:

1. Use Radiology as a Reset

Right now, you’re in an environment where you can just be—no one has past expectations of you, and you’re learning something new. Use this time to recharge, even just mentally. Instead of dreading what’s next, focus on what radiology gives you now:

• Enjoy learning sonography without pressure.

• Appreciate meeting new colleagues who don’t have preconceived ideas about you.

• Let yourself exist outside the weight of paeds surgery, even if just for these two months.

If you can leave radiology feeling like you’ve gained something—rather than just seeing it as a break before you’re thrown back into the fire—it might make returning feel less suffocating.

2. Plan for the Bare Minimum, Not Perfection

Instead of thinking, How do I survive a whole year of paeds surgery? break it into What’s the absolute minimum I need to do to get through the first week? You don’t have to be perfect, love the process, or even be highly motivated. You just need to take it one small, manageable step at a time.

If it helps, try reframing it as a transaction rather than a life-defining decision: I need to get through X months, do Y things, and then I can be free to decide what’s next.

3. Give Yourself Something to Look Forward To

Right now, paeds surgery feels like a trap—but what if you set up something to look forward to while going through it? This could be:

• A small personal goal (e.g., improving a non-medical skill, planning a short trip, or just having a series to binge).

• A change in environment (e.g., finding a small routine that makes your campus life easier).

• A light at the end of the tunnel (e.g., telling yourself, Once I submit my thesis, I’ll take a well-deserved break).

Having something outside of medicine to hold onto can make it less overwhelming.

4. Redefine What Success Means for This Year

Right now, it feels like you’re dragging yourself through this degree because of the RM350K penalty and because people tell you to finish it. But what would success look like for you—on your own terms? Maybe it’s just:

• Finishing the thesis without burning out completely.

• Passing the final exams, even if you’re not giving 100%.

• Getting through the year in a way that preserves your well-being, even if that means coasting where necessary.

You don’t have to love it. You just have to get through it in a way that doesn’t destroy you.

5. Figure Out Your Escape Plan (Even If You Don’t Use It)

If you ever do feel like you can’t continue, is there a way out?

• Could you take another deferral or change tracks?

• Would there be any way to negotiate the RM350K penalty if you left?

• If you did finish, would there be an alternative path you could take afterward?

Even if you don’t act on this, just knowing you have a choice can make you feel less trapped.

Final Thought

You don’t have to love paeds surgery. You don’t even have to feel strongly about finishing. But if you do finish, let it be on your terms—not just because of external pressure. If it’s about survival at this point, then let’s make it the easiest survival possible. One step at a time, no unnecessary suffering.

Of grey hairs and chickens

1- I found my first ever grey hair! It’s not where I thought it would be… Almost late to work because of this.

—

2- I saw a roaster crossing the road towards a chicken butcher stall and I thought of “why did the chicken cross the road” joke before snorting to myself.

—

3- He had a procedure in OT and texted me “wanna follow?” And in my head was “aww I wanna hang out with you too” but I got real and a jumble of excuses:

1) There are two MOs in OT already

2) I do not want the awkwardness of meeting the team

3) I didn’t bring my OT attire. Would you like me to escort you to OT, kind sir?

I figured he didn’t want to get lost on his way to OT thus the invite.

He pulled out some items to bring and fished out his OT cap from his bag. Cue me surprised.

“How frequent do you masuk OT that you have your own OT cap?” Even surgeons don’t do this.. but then again we don’t cause we are too busy and like the convenience of disposable attires.

“IR pakai cap dekat suite.”

Mr. Fancy Cap whose belt matches his shoes. And came to work with a haircut today after my silent gesture yesterday. I noticed too many details for this to be healthy.

—

4- After he was done, and I have seen the op note of attempting 8 times with 4 yields of renal biopsy, he returned and grinned awkwardly at me.

“I wasn’t successful.”

I looked surprised. What do you mean? “I saw the op note-“

“I mean about my appeal. I have to go to Lahad Datu.”

Oh dear. I’m sorry to hear that.

He asked me where I stayed in Lahad Datu and I told him, and he said he planned to stay at the kuarters so he didn’t need to bring his car.

Of course I suggested him against it. Someone jumped to their death between the Radio building and the ward block when I was there and the kuarters berhantu la, you nak stay sorang? Nanti you nangis.

I told him he will need his car for travelling out because he is bound to get bored there, also discussed with him the option of flying out from LD.

And then he said “Aku tak nak pergi sebenarnya.”

“Okay so that’s long- I mean mid term plan. Let’s focus on your short term plan first.”

Idk what he needs but there I was brainstorming with him what’s next.

I guess the easiest will be to lapor diri anyway. Our system sucks and he just needs to gazette and then he can go to private. He doesn’t mind the money at the expense of delaying his gazettement.

So he’s gonna call BPL (or whatever) to see if delaying by two weeks gets him into the trial new system gazetting. If it does, then he wouldn’t delay.

He’s gonna meet his HOS this Wednesday, who happens to be in town, to which I asked rhetorically “what difference will it make?”. He nodded, but gonna try so good luck, darling.

Plan A - delay by two weeks to help his dad

Plan B - report duty on time and ask for cuti to help his dad

Plan C - apply to HUSM. He said people suggested him against that, to which I said “working environment is more or less the same..”

He said he’ll just quit to which I, this hypocrite, replied “Make that your Plan Z. If you quit now you’re just an MO. You can’t gazette in private. Sikit lagi, Hannan.”

I was already contacting my people for car shipping quotation and rentals.

—

5- It was 2pm and Cutest Boy In The Department was performing a procedure but Azim scrubbed in first, where I asked

“Tak pakai gown eh.” In an innocent tone.

“Ada orang pakai. Aku tak pakai sebab panas. Tapi ikut infection control kena pakai.”

“Ya sebab sterile procedure kan.”

He came and started scrubbing in and noticed the blue gown prepared for him. Azim helpfully mentioned how I have been telling them off regarding their sterility compliance.

“Some tempat kena pakai cap sekali.”

“Ya correct, sterile procedure kena pakai cap. You have your OT cap kan.”

He grinned and put them on.

—

6- As he was cool puncturing the patient and his eyes fixed on the screen, I contemplated about taking a picture of him in his glory. But maybe not. Too many eyes watching.

Then he said, his eyes still on the screen. “Remember when we first met?”

What is this idiot doing?

“We first met when I was tagging in Medical Male ward, where you’re the just-off-tagged HO being our only senior.”

“Stab PD,” he grinned.

I grinned too. “Yup, that.”

I clearly remember few things from my HOship.

1) He has always have that puffy voluminous hair since I first met him. He is thinner now, otherwise he is physically the same. Oh and he has grey hair now.

2) He was the only non tagging HO when I started tagging in Medical, who just happened to offtag few days prior. He basically taught me everything I know.

3) He taught us stab PD one late afternoon. I had one occasion of referring a perforated bowel to Dr. Adham (now surgeon in HSIP) who wasn’t amused when every question he asked me was replied with “As I documented-“ in prefix.

4) I was at the counter and clearly remember the sight of him pushing his patient’s bed to the acute cubicle before I joined him.

5) I had a difficult IV line in a pakcik who told me off for calling him “ayah” but he was soooo nice to this charming boy who attended my call for help. I bitterly told him to jadi anak angkat that pakcik.

6) He is so jonah the king was once admitted when he was oncall.

—

7- It was almost 5pm when we finished our work for the day. I looked at him.

“Are you going home wearing that?”

He grinned. He was still wearing his OT cap.

—

8- Purposely killed the time near the carpark texting surgeon about a case. He walked in with a slightly older looking lady and two Surgical MOs.

When they saw me, I noted how he said I was with him all day. Then Mat Syuk greeted me saying now he can request CT scan at his whim.

“Anything for you,” I replied dryly before saying no I don’t take requests.

He grinned at me.. kinda awkwardly? It occurred to me that I have used that line on him, but I mean it when I said that. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that to Mat Syuk. “Boleh bah kalau kau” sounds better to use with Mat Syuk although they mean the same thing.

Then as we walked, it split into him and the lady and me two meters apart from Mat Syuk and his friend, Mat Syuk chatting as usual.

But my eyes were on the people in front of me. They were close, too close. Their fingers were brushing. She has to be family. He once told me he was waiting for his aunt to go home together, could this be her? Do families walk so close together their fingers brushed?

They totally ignored me though I walked two meters behind them, crossing the road, towards the same carpark.. I had enough. I hang around back for five seconds before I resumed walking to my car.