budak lawan tidur

Postnight. Apsal admission COVID ni cam haram? Oh yeah kes melambung, no wonder. Wanna tell you guys to stay safe at home but heck do whatever you want, who cares. It's you and your family infected, it's you and your family quarantined, it's you and your family suffering and probably dying. 

And it's us overworking and suffering and suicidal but who cares. 

I need to sleep but I can't sleep now that it's morning. Sort of hungry but what is food. I should sleep I effing only slept 30 minutes last night. The world is too bleak skied to do anything else but I don't know I feel like I should have McDonalds first but I should also sleep. I'm in front of the house but I'm in the car. I should go inside and sleep. 

Argh Atiqah just die already. 

pali always calls me noob

Overheard the surgical registrar saying

"naik ambulance tu nanti baik2 tau"

And I was thinking

wah abang so prihatin sekarang hujan dia cakna kebajikan driver dan pesakit, such a kind person I'm so proud of him

Later he told me his patient was a leaking AAA

 

Oh. Ohhhhh.

today again I met pali dearest

"Miss Aini kata kau dan Kumaran dah exhausted. Atiqah kau penat ke."

I was clerking patient in ED at almost 7pm when Vebster called me, telling that Ms Aini asked him to cover my oncall tomorrow but he was in Ranau for family matter. 

I stared at Pali's back and thought of how I worked the whole week with two oncalls as my liver failed.

"Aku bukan jenis yang mengaku..." I muttered.

"Apa dia? Atau aku oncall Ahad je. Ganti Kumaran."

"Ya bagus kau ganti Kumaran. Dia lagi penat dari aku."

So yeah. I'm postcall today but I'm covering for oncall today. And tomorrow I'm oncall again.

I don't know. Am I tired? I've had worse. 

Today Pali texted me asking for a spare scrub because he was jogging when it rained and he needed to see patient in ED. I was more than happy, I even offered him our oncall room should he need to shower. Heck I just told Miss Doon that I become sooooo excited at even a shadow of Pali. 

So I'm sort of recharged. Then Pali left and I get to say bye. I wish I get to hang out more with him.

Anyway. I guess I'll never admit out loud I'm tired. My body will just collapse. Because in my mind all of us are tired. 

a recurring theme

Always the same; two guys in a friendship.

Will and Hannibal

Cap and Bucky

Jiyong and Seungri

Brett and Eddy

tissot le locle

What are you afraid of

Rejection? Why would you be afraid of it

It's not like we've never failed before

Actually we've never failed until we failed APLS and MRCS

Yeah breezed through school. It's a curse

So? 

Whats stopping you

So what if you fail

What are you going to lose

Your ego? Self esteem? Those are shits if they're stopping you 

Money doesn't count

I dont give shit about money

See I bought you a watch. I didn't regret paying for it. Maybe a bit regretting on the design choice but hey

Dad said to focus on just one thing and we'll be fine

He said we've always done well in school so we should do well too 

But idk

I dont even know

You want out but you didn't even submit your transfer request 

You didn't even enquire on your UD48 atatus

You want to go out but you're always in your room

Even when it's pretty outside

You'll be staring at the sky saying it's pretty

You're lonely but you don't want company

We should get a cat

Is this just a phase

It will pass

It has to pass

I'm tired of this

I don't want to live but I don't want to die either, it's a sin

You need to hurry find peace with yourself 

oncall today i met pali dearest

Masuk ED and saw this figure dari tepi, looks like Pali but macam kurus, is it Pali oh please let it be Paliiiiiiii. 

It is Paliiiii! "Hai abang."

"Pali kau dah kurus" was my first statement. And then I took a picture while he typed in his review. 

"Kau AOR discharge UR mana pulak ni" style di Lahad Datu. And after that I tanya his khabar. And then I had to go don so I bid farewell. 

I really maintained my cool. Pali has always been sort of segan with me and I've only always been in his presence when the other guys are around. 

First time we went for sate and he was in the passenger seat alone while the 3 of us went into the shop. I went back into my car to simpan barang and almost immediately Pali ciao from his seat, like he wouldn't be in a closed space alone with me. I blinked. Did felt a bit more respect for him. 

So that's why I was surprised when he ajak me makan last week but I was in the middle of the forest and God have I ever regretted going merayap like that day. Maybe it was ajak-ajak ayam but anyhow I miss him and every fond memory of Lahad Datu triggered by the mere mention of him. 

Heck I was happy. Inside be like Brett when he met Hilary Hahn.