porridge and condiments party in pantry 4A

I went into the pantry to refill my water and in was a group of our staff having their lunch. Kak Maz actively invited me to join them, she showed me where to get the bowl and the spoon. I pulled a chair and got myself a small bowl of chicken porridge that Kak Jen cooked in the pantry.

Kak Maz walked me through the condiments. They were having tempoyak which is a sweet version of it. I didn't want to eat it because durian smells and I have afternoon clinic but I also didn't want to be left out. So I took a really small piece. It tasted exactly like durian, sweet and creamy and kinda unusual to be having with chicken porridge. 

I'm burping as I write this and I can still taste the durian.

They offered me kepayang masak sambal pusak, which is a Sarawakian brown fruit that tasted nutty cooked in the usual sambal ikan bilis. The fruit has a consistency of macadamia but tasted rather plain. The fruit itself is poisonous if not treated properly, so the market sells them ready to be cooked.

Kak Long who seems oldest had 3 bowls. Kak Maz had 2. They encouraged me to have more but I'm shy. I thanked them for the meal and wished Kak Jen murah rezeki. Lovely people. I took my exit for prayers. 

1 year assessment

"You performed well. Good.

You are nervous but personally I think it's an appropriate nervousness. Good sense of urgency and responding appropriately.

Keep that up, ready for Part 2. Have a great time in Kuching." Prof Shireen

"Keep up your strikiness. Cili padi. You're alert and proactive. 

It is easy to be overwhelmed. Don't allow your bidding to lag behind. 

Get cracking with the thesis." Prof Anand. 

I still don't know who they're talking about. Except the nervous part. My anxiety is getting out of hand. 

zaim the guide

Attended a conference. Saw the birdwatcher surgeon who previously worked in Sarawak. My luck. Approached him with a hi.

"Where are you now?"

"I'm here, in UM." 

"What year are you now, first?"

"I just passed my first year exam actually. I'm heading to Kuching next." 

"You're asking me for tips?"

"Actually..." Yeah I probably should ask that. But this is more important. "I'm asking where do I go to bird watch?" 

"That I can answer better."

So we sat there with our Google Maps on as he explained his best places to watch birds in between coughing. Dude has a URTI and entertaining me. Thank you very much for your commitment sir.

Read this http://xegorathbirds.blogspot.com/?m=1

i think pali has aged

Last night I slept close to 2am and woke up to a houseman calling me to inform their patient that was referred to me in ED for a surgical consult has arrived in their ward, and that they don't think it's their problem. 

The case was actually seen by their own MO in ED and she decided to admit to her ward, and when she called me she said it was non urgent and I can review in their ward later. 

I asked the HO regarding the general condition of the patient and I surmised that the kid was not dying, stable, pain controlled and not in distress. 

Then I looked at the time. I wondered what kind of MO told their HO to wake a person up at 4.30am to inform this kind of thing. The patient is not going anywhere. What difference does it make from calling me at a more humane hour? I have no idea. 

"You're not thinking of transferring patient at 4.30am right?" 

She seemed hesitant, as that wouldn't have been her decision.

"Anyway, what are you guys doing for this patient?"

She started a whole list of history and background so I stopped her. I should have known better than to ask open ended questions at this hour. It doesn't help me to focus. 

"Are you giving him IV drip?"

"Since his hydration is good-"

"It's a yes or no question." I sounded gruff. I hope she forgave me for being EOD oncall and sleep deprived. 

"No."

"Okay. Later I'll go see. Thanks."

And then I hung up after she has said her thanks.

I went back to sleep. I dreamed of Pali but he was older, hair greyer and appeared shabby. As I wrote this I don't remember the details of it, but when I woke up at 6.30am I decided I should text him (I just did) to inform that I've passed my exam and going to Kuching next. I hope he'll do well for his next two years in PPUM. 

I reviewed that patient at 7.30am. Kid was still sleeping, but the mom seems rested. I brought my registrar to see the case at 8.15am and he discharged the kid. Haha. 

i bullshit through at least 40 out of 100 marks

Chew gave us a ride back to UM after the exam. In the car Alia said that I look calm and must have done okay in the exam. So I told her I'm way past the stage where I care about the result.

"So you're in the stage where you don't give a f-" She stopped herself. "You don't give a damn anymore."

Yep. Since the very beginning I'm okay with however this turn out. I'm looking forward to spending my time in a jungle pretending to be a crocodile. 

I actually asked my batch for a group picture because I don't think I'll sit for the viva and I'll be quitting after this so this be the last time I see them. Hasniza actually gave me weirdly tender smile and told me not to say that.

The picture is in Chip's phone. I asked him to email but he hasn't. I'm looking forward to captioning it with

Atiqah and 6 people who knew what they're doing.

i used to wake up early to go on amazing adventures but now i dont want to wake up

Hi it's me. Been quiet here. It means I'm out of muse, good or bad.

Part 1 exam tomorrow. You know that means I barely studied for it, binged on distractions and not exactly sorry. It's another episode of Reckless To The Point Of Fearless.

Should have quit before I even started. People don't change. 

Right now I'm remembering the time I was on a public van travelling alone from Tanta to Cairo, the day darkened. I'm usually more vigilant but somehow I fell asleep. Woke up to find my head leaning on the neighbouring Egyptian auntie who told me to sleep somemore until we get to the train station. I think I did that.

Lucky enough it wasn't some deprived Egyptian man. I would have stab him in the jugular. 

end of may and i thank thee

I left HTA on the last week of May. Took few days off to settle the assessments thus I was still around the hospital.

I approached Mr. Fitri for my assessment in his office and he was calling me Dr. Atiqah. It was funny actually. I think I might have showed some streak of rebellion at him, that's why. 

Anyhow he asked me to leave the assessment forms with him, which I did. I was hoping to get it back in few days time but I actually only got it back the week after, on the very last day of May. 

What happened on the very last day of May was that, I was on leave but at the hospital past 5pm waiting for Mr Yusof to finish rounds so I could have my end of posting assessment with him. My colleagues had it the day before and I was the only one that day. I sat in front of his office, waiting with two paper bags. One bag contained keropok and serunding that I actually bought for Mr. Fitri the month before but never gave it to him (remind me to write a separate post on this) and I was planning on giving it to Mr. Yusof. Another bag contained a mug I had custom for Mr. Fitri. 

It was my last day and I was planning to quit while I was in UM. So I want to say a proper thank you to these two because I hope not to see them again. 

Ms Abhi was in the office and she saw me waiting for my assessment. She wished me good luck for my PPUM posting and I felt at the end of this journey, at least I could talk freely with her. I laughed more in April and May than the previous months actually. 

And then Mr. Fitri showed up. He didn't see me and he was talking merrily with Ms Abhi. I was hoping she wouldn't say anything to alert him that I was around but she did. She asked me if he ever did taught me anything as a mentor or was it all gossip that we ever talked about? I lied that we only ever talk about academic stuffs, to which sir snickered. I skipped the fact that it was mainly a one way questioning from him and zero answering from me. 

God I was such a lousy person. I did not deserve a mentor who showed more effort than this shitty kid, this ingrate who shouldn't even call herself a mentee. 

He asked me when is my last day. I said it was today. He said he'll get the forms done today. I grinned to myself, of course the forms I submitted 6 days ago would only be signed today. 

Mr. Yusof was ready for me and I went into his room for my assessment, leaving the paper bags outside. I did as expected, in which I did well in 2/3 and purposely answered clumsily for another 1/3. Because I didn't want them to expect too much from me. 

I completed my forms and gave him my logbook to sign. He then asked my feedback on the mentorship thing and asked if we had any documentation on our meetings.

"No we don't. We had our meetings in OT while scrubbed in."

"You pun masuk OT I jugak." He was whining. I grinned. He dismissed me soon after, but I returned back with the paper bag containing keropok and serunding and put it on his desk. 

"Terima kasih boss sebab bersabar dengan kami 6 bulan ini," I made it sound like it was from us instead of me. He smiled his appreciation and I hoped he's always eased. 

As I exit Mr. Yusof's room I saw that the rest of the office was empty. This mentor of mine has gone home. I walked to his desk and saw that he left my forms on it. Picked the forms up and grinned to myself. 

Alis has been chasing and pestering for hers for months and end up having to get it from Ms. Fiza because Mr. Fitri kept eluding her. Whereas there I was, holding three forms that took me 5 days (with no pestering) for him to sign. Perks of being his mentee I guess. Despite my lackluster performance as a mentee nor a trainee in general, having him as my mentor is my bragging right. 

Though surprisingly he gave me good reviews. I believe I left bad impressions because I barely answered any of his academic questions so good reviews were not expected. He's accomodating me. 

Digging wounds up is not the best idea so let's just settle with the fact that I really was a lousy trainee. I wasn't kidding when I say I shouldn't be here, that I felt like an imposter who performed well in the interview because she didn't care about the outcome but got the job she didn't really want, and that the reason I didn't quit while I was in HTA was because Mr. Fitri was my mentor and I didn't want to taint his name like that. 

I took out the other paper bag and put it on his desk in exchange for the forms. I purposely waited for the forms before giving him my token of appreciation because I didn't want him to feel I was sucking up to him. 

I got him a mug. It had a picture of a cartoon owl because A) I acknowledge that people been calling him King Of Bebird although I disagree with the term usage because I like birdwatching and calling penises birds made me seem like a pervert, and B) owls are portrayed as wise and he has taught me some life lessons in reflection. 

On the other side written BEST MENTOR. Because he's my only mentor so there really is no contest. But really, thank you Mr. Fitri. I didn't deserve this mentoring. So I chickened out by silently praying for you and writing this in my blog instead of telling you a proper thank you. 

After I left the office, I sent him a text expecting no response. Working with him for the past 6 months gave me the impression that he almost always never reply texts if he could. I know he reads his messages because I've texted him to which he didn't reply but he answered me the next time we met. 

But to my surprise, he replied. Hehe. I didn't reply to that though. Should have told him I hope he use it.

in which atiqah cried during oncalls

My registrar expects me to perform as a trainee

But I'm too unhappy to see myself as such

I don't want to be here

My standard is low

Coming to work itself is an accomplishment for me

Academically not performing at par

Worsening this cycle of unhappiness

Teary eyed, wanna cry

Another registrar asked why do I look so "monyok"

I blankly used hunger as an excuse

But really, I'm eating just to fill the void

max from stranger things

Stranger Things 4 is out, and there's a scene stuck in my head. It was when Max was fighting for her life running towards the way out amidst Upside Down chaos, Vecna throwing boulders to stop her, and her friends in the real world yelling at her floating hypnotised body to get her to come back to her. Running Up That Hill was playing throughout the scene, it was Max's favourite song, and her friends played the song to get her to come back to them. And she did. 

I don't really have a favourite character but it hit me, because Max was going through depression from her traumatic experience, thinking she didn't deserve to live. But when it really came to the point where she was actually at the brink of death, she fought to live with that song as her talisman.

I think that's why the song regained popularity. Because I too, felt like Max. Want this life to end, but really, we just want to be saved. 

why am i like this

I'm not living for the future. The simplest sign is that I feel like I should buy scrubs for work but I couldn't bring myself to buy them because when I die, who's going to inherit my personalised scrubs? 

---

The other day I found a post about high functioning anxiety. I ticked all the boxes. It's so frustrating because I'm still high functioning at work and when there's not much work to be done I'll just be a pile of anxious mess. 

How do people be so motivated? 

100522: a little shit who left her lonely surgeon

It was almost 5pm and we're just starting to close the abdomen. Halfway closing the muscles, Mr. Fitri said to me

"Atiqah nak pergi tulis op note dulu?"

I looked up to him silently but thoughts were racing in my mind. That's how I am nowadays, so much to say but hardly anything come out. I wanted to close the skin at least so he can scrub out and pray, and for me to feel a semblance of usefulness. But Mr. Yusran who was the main surgeon had already scrubbed out to attend to another patient said he will return shortly to check the op notes I have written, is that why he's suggesting I start writing now? Is that what this is, a suggestion? Or is it an order? Or a reverse one? Like that time when he asked me if I wanted him to do manual evacuation on a kid, that was definitely a reverse suggestion.

I have no energy to overthink. Guys are all about face value, I think. So I asked him back 

"Takpe ke?"

"Saya dah biasa."

Whatever that means, he made it sound lonely. I laughed my thanks and beckoned to the scrub nurse to keep him company. And then I scrubbed out. 

He checked my op notes later on. 

cause im full of shit

We had to do a manual stool evacuation for a patient prior to doing a list of urological procedures for him. My surgeon turned to me and asked "You nak I buat ke?"

"Tak sanggup saya nak suruh surgeon saya buat manual evacuation."

So everyone left the room except for the poor gagging Anaes MO and two nurses at my beck and call. My surgeon was in the other room waiting after he kindly told me "all yours."

I was knuckle deep evacuating almost 2kg of hard stool when another surgeon came and saw I was doing it alone. She went into the other room looking for my surgeon and upon seeing him chilling, she called out to him.

"Atiqah panggil. Dia tak jumpa seketul lagi!!"

I shouted back. "Mana ada!!"

Let my surgeon rest. I like him not around asking me anatomy questions hahaha. But yes, please let my surgeon rest. 

The lady surgeon then went into the other room and poked her head through. Then she came back to me "Atiqah menjerit sampai Dato dekat sebelah pun dengar."

The splenic flexure fecoloma all evacuated. This MO puas hati. My surgeon told me to go change clothes while he cleaned the patient up before the next procedure. I went and scrubbed my arms more religiously than I ever scrubbed for a case, washed my OT crocs and changed into a fresh pair of scrubs. Then I sniffed myself. I'm always full of shit but at least I didn't smell like one. 

I walked back towards the operating room, passing two of my male colleagues. I went up to my senior and stood close to him, grinning shamelessly. 

"Do I smell nice?" 

I could see he was grinning politely and debating how to answer without it coming out weird. I'm a rascal who wouldn't offer the information that I just did a manual evacuation and was concerned that I reek of old shit. So I repeated my question.

"Do I smell nice?"

"Yes you smell nice."

"Thank you." He's too polite. 

dato complaining about boss to me but hey he's my boss

In OT today I was silently assisting Dato who was operating and focused on the tumour at the crura when he suddenly, still focused on the crura, chatted.

"Mughni- Mr. Mughni tak reply mesej saya. Saya mesej dia semalam dia tak jawab lagi."

"Dia memang macam tu. Mesej dia lambat sikit."

"Mesej dia masuk lambat?" 

"Dia reply mesej lambat sikit." Likely sebab banyak mesej2 masuk and your message jatuh bawah ikut list. "Saya pernah sebulan kemudian baru dapat reply."

Or was I exaggerating. It was when I sent Boss a picture of our old patient kirim salam when I was in Lahad Datu. He did apologised and said he forgot to reply. No worries Boss. 

"Sebulan? Kesiannya."

What is this. I guess Dato remember me now. 

mr fitri was liasing for a graft failure patient

At lunch my colleagues were counselling me, helping me make plans on How Not To Quit Yet. We came up with:

1. Do something for yourself, indulge in whatever reward for you

2. Go home and meet your parents

3. Study group

4. Stop thinking for reasons to quit

Then I continued my oncall per usual.

Tonight, as I sat writing my review, my oncall surgeon asked me "Atiqah kenapa nak jadi surgeon?"

I was thinking did one of my colleagues snitched to him. Or was the decision-making tonight so difficult it was making him question why anyone wants to become a surgeon.

So I told him that in order for me to be useful in Paediatric Surgery, I have to become a surgeon. Because I can contribute more as a surgeon than I can as an MO.

"So nak jadi berguna, kena jadi surgeon." He surmised.

"In Paed Surgery." I corrected the context. "As in, kalau saya nak masuk hutan dan operate pesakit paeds di pedalaman, I need to be credentialed as a paed surgeon. As an MO I can't do that. Lain la kalau general surgery."

He nodded. I don't know if I'm making any sense anyway.

"That being said, ada banyak cara untuk jadi berguna dalam hidup ni." I continued and returned to my review. 

I wanted to tell him my persistent urge to quit and live a simple life. Why masuk hutan and buat kerja when you can just masuk hutan and disappear. But there's enough drama tonight and I need to finish my reviews.

Later before he left, I asked him why he asked me that. He said just because.

It's not a big deal, but I do think that's the reason why I haven't quit yet. 

in which atiqah questioned what is the definition of a good life

In today's episode of #jaditraineesuicidal, I was in OT observing The Consultant in action. It was past 5pm by the time the thoracotomy was closed but we're not done yet. We're opening a cervical wound next. 

The Anaes was groaning "Tak balik lagi ke kita?"

The Consultant replied "Bukan balik, tapi pergi. Hospital ni rumah pertama kita. Rumah tu hotel je."

This Useless Trainee laughed at the comment and said, although not intended to be heard, "You need a better life."

The Consultant turned to me and his tone raised an octave. "How dare you. I am contend! This is the best life!" 

My chuckle turned polite. I didn't mean to disrespect one's choice of life nor dictate how one should live their life. I was just.. I guess I didn't really want to be here. 

He then sat down with a contemplating look and asked "Have you ever stayed in the hospital for days in the interest of your training? Say, 5 days straight?" 

"No I've never."

"3 days?" 

"I have." Sort of. 

He nodded. And then he scrubbed in for the cervical part. 

I stood behind him, observing him operate on this Day 5 of life, prem 33 week 4 days, 2kg baby's teeny tiny neck, fishing out the upper esophageal pouch and dissecting it from the laryngotrachealesophageal cleft. 

I made few comments here and there, asking this and that, because I felt bad about earlier. He replied me snarkily and I laughed. For the record I am a reckless idiot who is only afraid of God and height. Usually I stay mute because I don't want to embarrass Mr Mughni but I was hungry today, I have no inhibition. 

He was done in 30 minutes. Dude I can't even finish an open CVL insertion in 30 minutes. His work is a wonder and I understand now why he is so dedicated. With that level of skill, this work is best suited for him. 

I helped him with his OT gown and asked him about the next management for this patient. He again replied me snarkily before properly answering me. Probably realise snark doesn't repel this thick-headed idiot. 

He sat on a chair in the corner replying his messages while everyone went about leaving the operating room. I gathered all the politeness and sincerity in me and faced him. 

"Dato."

He looked up. He has always been an observant person who pays attention to however bilis you are in the hierarchy. 

"I understand now why you said this is the best life for you."

"Hah!"

Good job Atiqah for getting a person to shout twice in less than an hour. I grinned under my mask and thanked him. Then I went out to write the operation note. 

everything is my own fault

Yesterday I was hoping not to see him again because apparently I haven't moved on. But on my way to work I saw his car stopping at the junction and I paused. If he stops for me and he's alone, I will get in his car. I don't want to, I just told myself I need to move on! 

So I quickly hastened my pace. He was still stuck in the traffic and I got to the hospital. I did turn around to look for him and probably that was his car at the access gate. 

Later I went down to accompany patient for a procedure. I owe it to old times sake to at least say hi now that I'm in his territory, so I texted him asking where he is. 

He answered and asked me why. I didn't reply. 

Towards the end of the procedure, almost lunch time, he walked into where I was. I closed my book and chatted with him. I stood arms crossed like the cool chick I am while he sat next to me. We're not even 1 meter apart. He was wearing a sweater and I was happy to find that I'm not the only one who gets cold easily. We spoke soft enough just to talk between us. I asked only personal questions, although he started the conversation asking about my UM classes. I asked him about his brother who is in UITM. He looked confused. 

"Dulu kau pernah bagitahu adik kau belajar di Dengkil?" 

"Oh. Dia sambung oil and gas now."

"Oh nice."

"Oghe kapung ko?" It was his colleague asking. I turned to look at the interruption and almost glared. Let me have him for a while.

"Haah oghe kapung." Was what he replied. And then we got into a conversation on why he speaks Standard Malay with me and not in Kelantanese. 

But oh this colleague was still talking to me. The scrub read Zahin and had a UKM logo. He introduced his colleague to me as an Egyptian graduate so I asked where. He said he's from Alex. 

"Batch siapa?" 

"Kadir.."

"Oh sekali Mizah."

"Mijah. Lama tak dengar khabar dia." He said. I turned around to face him and the three of us chatted about our mutual friends. 

Then his specialist called for me regarding my patient, so I attended to his questions and gave him my pointers. He actually concurred with me and relayed it to his MO to report it. 

My case was then done. I turned back to him who was also listening on my case. I confirmed with him that it was his last week in HTA. He said tomorrow is his last day. 

"Bila nak belanja aku makan?" 

He chuckled and we said our goodbyes as his colleague and Hilmi Suami Anah took him away for lunch I guess. I looked on as he walked away, overheard the colleague asking Hilmi about something and heard Hilmi mentioned Paed Surgery and I guess the two was talking about me. I kept my eyes on his back until it was gone. He never turn around. 

I walked to my patient and went back to my work. 

---

Walking back today, I talked out loud to the darkening sky. 

I last saw him 2 years plus ago. In January 2020. He was slimmer back then. He was on a diet and didn't eat cheese. Why do I remember those details and none of what I studied? How did I even pass medical school? Scratch that I didn't just pass medical school, I was Very Good and that's almost Excellent. Where did that Atiqah go? 

And why does it seem like my confession never happened? Why am I just an "oghe kapung"? Why are we so.. cool? 

I got back and sat down. Then I opened our previous messages. 

That session. He hoped he didn't give false hope. And he hoped nothing change between us. Hell I agreed. I told him I hope I could still mess with him. He said I can. 

And fuck me, by February I was already messaging him like nothing happened. Girl you were so desperate not to lose him as a friend. I couldn't read any more. 

I should delete our conversation if I'm really serious about moving on. But I never did. I mulled over it way too much for my own good. I'm too much in the past, I'm wasting my present. Here I am, still liking him more than I should. I'm suicidal. 

His last day (for now) in HTA tomorrow. Can I have a tiny piece of his attention, one last time? 

third TCA, am i correct

Let's make this a standard review

Hobbies ie things I do to chill

Watching Netflix

I seriously need to go terjun sungai though. One time I was so frustrated at myself for not able to answer I imagined myself submerged in some cold Sabah river. Or was it drowning? It's interchangeable. 

Advantage

Still functional

Disadvantage

Malas study it is suicidal

Don't care but still care

Things I'm not good at

Studying

Complex

I need to talk to someone but I don't want to talk to anyone. Also I told Luqman one time that I'll be doing 95% listening and 5% talking. 

Best 3 food

Soft rice with omelette 

Cold mango drink

Worst 3 food

Peas

Taucu

My multivitamins are increasingly giving me nausea and I vomited here and there. But I think I still need those because of my unbalanced diet? 

Favourite word

I don't have one. But I wish to hear "you did good" 

Favourite colour

Black

Favourite song 

Elgar Salut d'amour

Favourite type of people

Cool calm people

Respected people

My mentor Mr. Fitri. I call him sir the other day because I respect him but he's not old enough to be my boss. 

My boss Mr. Mughni

Current happiness

Sherlock

What I bought recently 

Black jacket that looks professional but it's not helping with the cold plus it makes me look baggy, what a waste

Hardest thing ever

Waking up. I'm out of bed by 7.15am nowadays and clock in at 7.45am. It's bad. 

Studying. Fuck this

How to spend off days

Visit my family

Places to visit 

Sabah

What to challenge

Study more

Sleep better

What I want to do with my friends

Coffee

Study

zayn hugged me

I was at work when one of my patients, a toothy grinning toddler, happily waddled towards me in the hallway and as per good practice I squatted down to be at his level. He giddily approached even faster and unexpectedly threw his arms around me.

I was stunned. What do I do? A child is hugging me, I should be polite and hug him back? But COVID is everywhere what more with my job attending different patients throughout the day so I shouldn't expose this cutie to whatever germs on me?

Oh whatever, he was still hugging me and who am I to reject this small child who radiates pure happiness sharing his love with the world. It did took me half a minute of contemplating before I hugged him back, resisting the urge to pick him up. Then I asked him

"Should you be hugging strangers though?"

I was the one who sutured him up 5 days ago, but not that he knows. He's only two years old. As I tightened the hug a bit (just a bit, his father was watching and I don't want to be seen as hug-deprived although I am), I felt like I should thank him instead. The hug felt nice. 

i love to stay and chat but i need to talk to her about work please

Miss asked me to check how many cases we have for radioconference today, so I picked up the phone and called Radio counter. Guy said Dr. Hazwani was in charged and that I could find her in the reporting room perhaps.

I asked the reporting room extension number and gave it a ring. It was promptly answered with a voice I remember fondly. 

"Hi, Radiology. Dr. Hannan bercakap."

"Hannan, Atiqah ni." I found myself grinning. 

stop wasting people's time

Last night I was as usual, need to study for OT but fuck it I watched Sherlock instead.

Then I woke up for work. Did my rounds and then studied a little on the course of IJV. Just a bit. 

Then Mr. Fitri came and did the CVL insertion. He looked up in the middle of OT and asked

"Tell me the anatomy of the neck."

Fuck.

"Tell me the triangles, boundaries, contents."

"Anterior and posterior triangle..." Separated by SCM and then what? Fuck.

"Still waiting."

I gave up. "Sorry. I don't remember. I don't want to goreng."

He didn't say anything. 

Towards the end of the OT, he said something that made me want to die that instance. Without looking up from the surgical field he said

"I'm not a good mentor. Saya tak tahu nak ajar apa. So saya tanya je soalan yang saya rasa boleh ditanya."

Fuck this Atiqah. Just quit and not waste anyone's time, let's not waste this good man's time. 

I scrubbed out once we were done and found Tharisini writing up her op notes. 

"Hi babe how are you?" She was cheerful in her loud voice as usual. 

"I'm so frustrated with myself because I couldn't answer Mr. Fitri's questions."

"Biasa dah tu we're all like that."

"I thought I don't care but apparently I do care. It felt like I disappointed Mr. Mughni. I feel so... bad. If Mr. Fitri was a little meaner I wouldn't really feel this bad. But he's a good person."

I then turned to the computer to write my op note. "I need to chill but I don't know how. Usually my way of chilling is terjun sungai but there's no sungai here. I'm imagining I'm submerged under water now. I want to scream."

As I was scrubbing in for the next op, my surgeon walked to scrub beside me with a sighy "Atiqah, Atiqah."

I turned to look at him. And just stared silently while I scrubbed my hands. Just a silent stare not even a smile behind my mask. Yeah I'm frustrated too. Like I knew this would happen but I still don't want to study so how? 

Thank you Mr. Fitri for trying. I'm sorry you got yourself a lousy mentee. I should go die now. 

look who picked me up

I was walking to work per usual istighfaring because I have nothing but resentment in me. Passed the large bin, walked onto the road to avoid a puddle when I saw from the corner of my eyes a white car stopped beside me and pulled the window down.

I saw it was a male smiling at me and I thought it was my surgeon probably questioning why am I walking to work. So I turned to face the person and I freezed.

"Hey Tiqah!"

Propped out through the window was the sunshine. Arm on the window still with the happiest face I saw that week. The familiar wavy hair and the familiar smile. His cheeks fuller than the last time I saw him in January 2020 though, I guess he does diet only intermittently. 

He looked so happy.. to see me? I was stunned. Why?

"Masuk la." He grinned. 

"Hey." I hadn't had my coffee and wasn't as hyper as he was. I was lucky to have worn a mask and then I remembered to smile. 

Yesterday he suddenly texted me asking when will I be in HTA because he just started his 3 weeks rotation here before going to HKL. I remember replying cheerily that I'll be sure to take up his offer of free lunch. But I didn't expect to actually see him because we both know we are fucking harmless flirt. 

"Jom la." He gestured to his car, motioning that he was holding the traffic up. 

I hesitated. The door closest to me was the back door and should I just get in there? But this is not a taxi driver. This is the guy I really like. Liked. Who knows. 

I went around the car and got into his passenger seat. 

--

First thing I did was glance at him. Yup, that's him. He had a really nice watch on. Wearing a scrub shirt with his name embroidered. And then I turned to see if the car has a sunroof. Yup, sunroof present. White Kia Rio with a sunroof, plate number... I never remember. Raya 2017 he actually made me memorise this. 

"Kau still guna kereta lama kau."

"Yup."

He asked me where did I stay. "Nearby. 10 minutes walk je."

I then asked him isn't he late still driving at 7.30am and what time he clocks in. 

"8 pagi la." 

"Straight to your station? Takde passover?" 

"Haah. Kau?" 

"7.30am. I think."

"Jadi kau dah lambat la. Tak merah ke punch card kau?" 

"Surgeon aku suruh be in ward by 7.30am but senior aku punch in 8 plus. And tak pernah pun punch card aku merah though aku punch in around 7.45am."

Why am I talking about work????? I changed the subject. "How's life? Seronok duduk KL?" 

"Okay je." He laughed. 

I wanted to ask if he found a hobby yet but I was such a lame soul. He asked me why didn't I drive so I told him I haven't gotten around to get the access card for parking yet and I ended not bothering with it. 

He asked where should he drop me off. I was thinking of getting off when he parked and we catch the lift together but I think he was concerned that I was late to punch in. He asked of main lobby is okay. Main lobby is good. 

I pulled out my phone. "Selfie jom. I wanna send to Savinder." Not exactly, it was for my sake. I just felt like I probably won't see him again. 

"Gelap!" He then turned the lights on. And I pulled my mask off. And we smiled into the camera and he suggested I get off fast, fearing holding up traffic. But the picture came out blurry. 

"Sorry gotta reshoot. Gegar."

"Gegar la dah kau nervous!" 

I almost uprolled my eyeballs with a quip "Don't flatter yourself." Dude hasn't changed, still knows I like him and fucking feeding on it, jokingly or not. 

It turned out well. I got off and thanked him. Later I sent the pic to Savinder and a copy to him, wishing him a good day.

I wasn't late to work at all. In fact, springing to work. Should have gave him my Essenso 2 in 1. 

can i die

I hate my life now. I hate living in KL. I hate the traffic, I hate that I'm seeing buildings in every corner and i hate that i live in 14th floor yet i can still hear the traffic and traffic and traffic and traffic

I want to live where birds are singing. I dont want to live here. 

My work is not hard. Im not studying, you know how I  am. I've been in a roller coaster of emotion past 3 months here and the only thing consistent is that i want to quit. I want to quit before i waste more of my time, of anyone's time.

Everytime i say about quitting my family will tell me to hold on, to study well, that i can do it. My seniors are saying im having a bad case of adjustment disorder and that im a good doctor and they know i can do this. 

I think so, maybe i can do this. But i dont want to do this. I hate living in KL. I really hate living in KL.

Today i was driving from my uncle's place in semenyih. It's a peaceful home with birds singing in the day. When i drove back to KL i was dreading all the way and wishing i get into a fatal accident and im tearing up now. I hate living like this.

contract marriage

Hey there, hear me out for a bit? Be my sounding board and tell me what you think?

Let's say you have a long term relationship. You're comfortable with them, you don't fancy the in-laws but they's okay. After 4 years together, you know them, they seems ready for you and you proposed albeit half-heartedly. Okay, even less than that. You proposed because people pestered you and because you've been together long and if you didn't want to be with them then you shouldn't be with them and let someone else have them.

So you proposed. They accepted in one go, prenup was that it lasted 4 years and maximum 7 years, if you bail out the fine is 350k. 

You waited on it but felt pressured to say yes to it, because it was who proposed in the first place. So you said yes and by God have never regretted anything more than that, but you can't take it back. And you proceeded with marriage. 

And it's been almost 3 months. You're present when you're with them, but can't wait to get away. Your lone time stretches and stretches and you rather not be with them because.. I don't know. You liked the carefree life before? You don't deserve them? Felt like you settled? But it's not like you have other options beside them.

Help me.

nowadays i drink essenso 2 in 1

A medical colleague walked into the elevator I was in and I nodded my head in acknowledgement. We were in silence for a few seconds before he pops out a question.

"Do you know where the new coffee machine is?"

I pulled out my earphone and contemplated my answer. I know where they are from walking all over the hospital for my oncalls, but I don't want to promote a coffee that tasted watered down. You're better off drinking Essenso 2-in-1s.

So I told him where the two machines are. Then we arrived at my floor and I nodded again in adieu. Didn't wish him enjoy his CoffeeBot because you won't catch me drinking that. 

you did a good job

Yesterday in OT we were doing a tubularise incised plate urethroplasty for a 10yo kid who had subcoronal hypospadias with whole wound breakdown post MAGPI procedure.

Mr Fitri trimmed the skin and dartos nicely. There was a small skin loose end at one part that he seemed to didn't care and I used my pickup to flip the end silently. Just flipping it here, there, glaring at it annoyingly but not saying anything to my surgeon. He looked on in equal silence and got my message. He then took a tenotomy scissor and trimmed the end. 

I wanted to laugh at the absurdity that was me. But I'm a person who work in silence so I didn't. 

He then said to me that he wanted to try doing the urethral suturing interrupted instead of continuous and he asked me if he should. 

I paused for a moment. Why is this surgeon asking me. 

"I've... I've never seen anyone do it interruptedly. If so, how close should your stitches be? The next layer will be suture line on top of suture line right, wouldn't that increase risk for fistula?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"You're going to close the next layer midline as well, correct?" 

"Yes." 

"So the skin suture line will be on the uretheral suture line. If the wound breaks down, wouldn't that be a fistula?"

He was silent. I hurriedly added "But I wouldn't know." Cause man, I don't know shit. I'm not someone who has done a urethroplasty, I just assisted... Few. But who am I kidding, I like urethroplasty the best. The on-table creative decision is so fulfilling. 

He proceeded to do the suturing continuously and I'm like... Did I just doubted a surgeon? Hahaha wth I don't care anymore. 

He was done in around 30minutes. Although I barely did anything, I felt a swell of pride and fulfilment at how nice the outcome was. I wanted to say "cantik" but I felt like he knows that already and I didn't want him to think I'm licking his ass, so I didn't. 

In restrospect I should have told my surgeon he did a really nice job. Everyone deserves to hear they did a nice job. 

of course i can do it, it's just i don't want this unhappy life

I need to be kinder to myself because who else is. My stuffy nose is giving me headache and I don't know where I stashed my PCM, so here goes me hiding in the surau cause the rest of the hospital is freezing cold.

I'm a good doctor. I know things, not much, but enough to not kill patients.

On Sunday when I was oncall, ED referred me a perianal abscess in our POD 40 transanal pullthrough. Child not septic and I've never seen one before, but I know this is his coloanal anastomosis leaking and he has a pelvic collection that trickles down to manifest as a gluteal abscess. I presented so to Mr. Fitri and he agreed that we need an ultrasound next morning to confirm. 

That morning the rest of the MOs asked me why I label him as pelvic collection when the thing looks like a regular gluteal abscess, my answer is that when you have an anastomotic leak that low in the pelvic, they manifest with tachycardia a bit, fever here and there as per Mr Mughni taught me. Just small things, until the collection is big enough to manifest externally. Kid ended up with a stoma and I&D. 

And then we had a POD 4 transanal pullthrough (stoma down) girl who was discharged that morning and came back that night with persistent vomiting. I admitted her thinking of enterocolitis ddx adhesion obstruction and wanted an AXR cause I need to figure why she's vomiting. Mr. Fitri said to observe first since her vomiting was non billious and her abdomen wasn't distended. 

Turns out her vomiting persist to high billious output during the next 4 days she was warded. We ended up doing an ultrasound (which showed TZ at jejunum) followed by an AXR the next day where we saw her small bowel centrally dilated with paucity distal bowel. We did adhesiolysis for her. 

Kirosha applauded me for being right. In retrospect I should have said to Mr. Fitri that I needed an AXR to rule out proximal small bowel obstruction since her abdomen wasn't distended. 

Today morning I presented a systematic review critic for laparoscopic versus open appendicectomy for complicated appendicitis in children. 

What happened was that after breaking my brain half heartedly looking for a paper, I decided on the topic yesterday evening and got complained by my surgeon "esok nak present kenapa petang ni baru tanya". Sorry miss but I have been searching few days and can't find a better one. Been mentally preparing myself for the past 1 week but here we are.. 

She said to go with it. So I went back around 6pm, dinner and date with Jehoon until 9pm plus, and only around 11pm did I open my laptop to study the CASP checklist on criticising a systematic review. Thank you Ms Doon for teaching me this thing exists and it was actually my first time using it. I finished my slides close to 2am and slept until 7am. 

And then I presented. I was preparing my script for the presentation opening with "I'm not good at this but I should start somewhere" but I didn't say those. I didn't do badly, I think it was okay. We had a good discussion.  

Perhaps these people are right. I can do this. But hey the issue nowadays is not that I cannot do this, it's that I don't want to do this. 

But I'm still here. I'm still taking one step at a time. Like that time I hiked up Maliau Rim feeling so mad because I didn't want to but I still made it up there, cursing and all. What now? 

To be a surgeon is to be a better doctor. It's a different standard. I have to improve. 

#jaditraineetiadaharapan

Last week I was in OT assisting my surgeon with a urethral stricture surgery. He was asking me to straighten the penis up so he could make a straight cut, and his words to me were

"Atiqah tolong tegakkan bird tu sekejap."

I did as instructed but inward was sighing. People been referring to him as Bebird King because he does a lot of hypospadias surgery but help me God I felt triggered whenever I hear that term. 

You see, I like birds. Literal birds, the ones flying freely and always so elusive and mocking me with their lovely songs. Not this. Penis is not a bird. Why do we term them birds. I wanted to complain so much but I shouldn't make a fuss but dear God it happened last week and I'm still thinking about it.

I want to go birding so bad. 

elango belanja saya makan

On this blessed Friday my registrar bought me lunch and we had a deep conversation about life over ayam penyet and teh c ais kosong.

The good thing for me is that I have known these people from when I was a service MO. They're the only ones I can talk to now that I've joined them in the program, whose questions of "are you okay" I could answer long and truthfully.

He's figuratively patting me on the back because to them I'm a "hardworking, responsible person, although sometimes can be kepochi". I don't feel that about myself. What does kepochi means anyway.

Good advice on to quit now rather than wait for whatever. "Don't think about others, don't think about who's going to do oncalls" at this point I laughed because that's so me. I should just die. 

"Be careful of the young surgeons. They collectively give you a bad assessment but never said anything in front of you. The only good person here (in the fraternity) is Mr. Mughni. He's like the badan berkecuali."

"But don't worry. What happened to me won't happen to you. I know."

How do you know? I want to know what makes people think I can make it. But Elango just told me he knows and to trust him. 

"There are other ways to become a paediatric surgeon, and you wouldn't have to be attached to these fucked up people."

Good morning, 2022

I wrote this on December 20th but I kept it on my phone unpublished because I hope the feelings will change. It hasn't, as I woke up today staring at the ceiling wanting to stab myself in the heart.

---

Today I woke up regretting that I had another day alive. I then walked to work hoping something bad happens to me and I die on my way. My eyes watered thinking my mom would probably cry, but I hope I don't survive. 

I crossed the road safely looking right and left. I made it to work and I punched in. 

And I greeted my colleagues and staffs and worked like nothing was wrong. I even had lunch because we were in clinic and my surgeon told us to go have lunch before facing the evening crowd. 

Work done around 5.30pm. I hung around to make sure nothing was needed of me. And then I went for prayers. I thought I should wire my money to my baby sister and some to my brothers. To my uncle who works harder than me with six mouths to feed but his pay just barely one fourth of me. 

I should go up to the roof again but the place is covered and barely any sunlight be seen. 

And as I walked back, I wondered if a person could just die suddenly. If I were to work and just suddenly collapse in the ward. Will they successfully revive me or would I just pass on? I hope I pass on. What would the cause be put? I wonder if they would talk about me, how they think I look thinner, how I've always been quiet and just do my job. 

They will, people always think they know you. But here I was, functioning but oh how I wish I'm dead. 

Mom would cry and I wish I could talk to her but nah they wouldn't get it. Talking to them will make me even sadder. I should just get my will sorted out and go somewhere far and quiet to go. Some place I wouldn't be a nuisance. 

I wish to die but I wouldn't harm myself. It's illegal. But I'm going to sleep now. I hope I don't wake up at all. 

I love you and will always thank you. 

Atiqah