Luqman passes his first year exam!

"So how's Kota Bharu?"

"Zafran is annoying me and Vicky is smothering me."

"Sounds like you're having fun."

I paused to answer. I thought of saying I missed his presence and he would have been the comfort to prevent me from feeling strong urge to kick those two. But then I remembered he bullies me too when the three of them are together.

I don't remember what I said after that. Partly because there was a lurch in my stomach when he told me the stress he went through from exam on Saturday till getting his result on Monday. The more I listen, the more I felt bad and I just didn't know what to say because at that point I realized how selfish I was.

You see, Monday PM was the same setting as my previous post. The one where I was distracted by overthinking over a gross problem and I turned to him for advice.

I wasn't paying attention much when I texted him in between lectures and I didn't reply him when he mentioned he was getting his result in a while. I effing didn't read into that because I know he already passed his exam and I had that distracting problem. Zafran said Luqman passed his exam already which I'm sure he heard that from Mr. Tarmizi.

He was relaying to me how at that time he was sitting alone on the fourth floor gutting himself over an hour, building the courage to go take his result at the third floor before he just "fuck it let's get this done and over with."

And I missed that. I missed the mark to offer comfort. He was dealing with his wreck and then there was me this wreck of a kid but he still helped me out. He comforted me but I didn't, no vice versa. I felt so bad. Why am I like this? How much more selfish can I get?

Then I remembered how he once asked me why wasn't I attending Masterclass and I only gave a vague answer of "got other plans" before I went back into my pretend-study cave. I felt like I had been standoffish and rude. Granted, yeah I ignored everyone else and only texted the family, Kak Elli and Luqman during that period. But I shouldn't have replied so crudely.

I cradled my head a lot through that phonecall. What have I done? I'm not worthy of his kindness. Yet he still called me today, I must have done something right for him somewhere in my lifetime.

So I listened until he was done. At that point I was already wishing he's a girl and I was close by so I could give him a hug. I know what it's like going through things alone. I told him that I've always believe he's the kind to survive anywhere. He thanked me for the confidence but asked if I really mean it or was it just comforting words.

What ran through my head was what I know of him when he was in Kelantan. So I told him I mean it. I just know it.

Oh and he asked about me. Skills, logbook, presentations. Screw me. I told him about Boss 'kicking' me out in September and how some are suggesting I do my GS rotation in HRPZ which I didn't even think of the possibility, instead of my first option in HDOK ("I need to get out from Likas, need a fresh air.") He suggested HDOK for the abundance of opportunity to sharpen my skills. I agree.

At the end of the 27 minutes call he thanked me for hearing him out. I cringed. Why are you thanking me when I don't deserve this honour? But I just replied "Anytime."

My three brothers at ECPSU 19

You see, I have three brothers among my Paed Surgical brotherhood. They're all different but they are complementary and the three of them together made me stuck around.

Zafran is the strict brother who criticizes me at every move. My tone, my Facebook posts, my whatever, everything. He doesn't get me personally, he just dishes comment generally. He sees as the average people see so I have to step back a lot after each hit so that I don't ignore him for good.

He keeps me behaved to the standard of our Malay community, and I need that. I need to be kept grounded. We should agree by now my thoughts don't conform to the norm of our Malay community but I can't go off and live my life like I have no faith in God.

He does so jokingly but I take his words seriously and this is why I blew fuses with Zafran easily. I actually care what he thinks of me. Why? Because he taught me a lot in the past and I wasn't joking when I said (most of) everything I know I learned them from him. He did a lot of kind things for me in his harsh crude ways, so in a way I'm indebted to him. I'll always hold him in high regards.

Vicky is the brother who fusses over me. He's the kind to offer to kick bastards for me. He's very observant and he's among the people who have known me the longest, so he picks up my mood immediately. He's what we call "someone who hears your silence" and he calls me out on my bullshit.

But the thing is, at times it's overbearing. When I don't feel like talking about it, I'd rather not see him because he'll want to talk about it.

Luqman is my favourite. He's the calm, silently listening type. Always lending an ear whenever I seek them. I can say what I really needed to say and he'll listen. Majority of time what I needed was a sounding board and he obliges. He dishes out advices when I need them. He doesn't always agree with me but I'm his "ally" so he'll always have my back, I know this after the feud I had with Hidayah Anaes. And when I stray off from being too hyper he'll always somehow drag me back to normalcy.

We have few background similarity in which he understood my "father is a well-known consultant" complex. One time Kak Raihan said he asked about me to her in ward and referred to me as "Ika" and I'm like, only family gets to call me that. So deal is sealed. He is family to me, no question about it. He can ask anything from me and I'll say yes. And the most important preferential treatment is that I will always pick up his call.

I'm really grateful to have him in my life, that's why I only approach him sparingly. I can't take his time, I can't abuse his generosity. When I've been too quiet he'll check up on me and what not. But only when I'm really really down to no one else to talk this through with that I seek him out.

Like today, when I saw someone I didn't ever want to see attending the same conference.

I was standing at the doorway talking to Zafran when he walked in and caught me off guard. We greeted each other, me more vocal in my surprise and asked what was he doing here.

Like really, what are you doing here? This is my hometown, my home team. You're tainting my comfort zone.

I was overthinking how should I behave around him. Given the premise, I don't want to talk to him at all. But I felt bad because we were friends before and the amiable part of me thinks I should not treat my friends like that. But this? 

This was gross, but I need it gone. I need a sounding board. Why isn't Luqman here? I want Luqman here.

I saw Vicky from afar. I didn't feel like talking to him because he always know something is up with me, so I purposely didn't look his way. I still didn't know what I should do regarding the matter, so I chose to avoid it. I skipped lunch and went for a walk in town.

Fifteen minutes before start of lecture I went back to the hotel for prayers. I saw Vicky sitting with Mr. Ruzaimie and two of our trainees and decided I should behave properly and show respect. So I walked towards them, pouring a glass of juice for myself while still on the phone with Chik Na. I went to them and pulled a seat which Vicky pulled nearer to theirs.

I hung up and Vicky started smacking me repeatedly on my arm.

"Thanks for answering my calls, thanks for replying my messages."

Yeah I've kinda been avoiding talking to him. It's messy.

After it was only the two of us left, Vicky asked me what I know he's been dying to ask.

"How are you? Are you okay? Don't lie to me, you're not okay."

"I'm not going to lie. I'm not okay. I'm coping. I've found my coping mechanism. Which involves me running away every two weeks."

We talked a bit about my depressive episode. He turned my idea of seeking a psychiatrist down and I shot him a contemplating look. Did I say too much? Is it wise to let Vicky know this side of me?

I needed to go pray, so I excused myself. I still need to discuss with someone regarding the matter.

Before the start of the next lecture, I hovered close to Vicky still debating whether I should discuss this with him. He was talking with Aien and I would need to speak to him alone. But is Vicky really who I should discuss this with? I know if Luqman was here I wouldn't have to ask this question.

So I walked away. I went back to my seat and absent-mindedly texted Luqman, still debating how to ask this gross issue. It's grossing me out without me putting it into words, what more when I lay it open to someone.

Outwardly I was cool. I had my Focus Exterior on. I sat at the front most row in the middle of the hall, my notes nice and precise. I was alternating between focusing on the lectures and debating how to ask Luqman. But inwardly I was fidgeting. I groaned. This was so gross. I'm going to my brother with a girly problem. I couldn't get lower than this, can I? But I need to ask this to a guy because a guy will know what a guy wants and how a guy thinks.

But this was so gross.

R u busy?
Nope
Okay
What's up
I want to ask something but idk who to ask. The question might make you vomit. Cause it makes me want to
Proceed

So I spilled. He said it was fine and I wanted to laugh at the unduly kindness he was bestowing me. He calmed me a bit and for once, I really appreciated being told what to do. Which was to keep cool and maintain professionalism.

But ignoring him doesnt solve anything
It's more like im passively ignoring him
I know where he sits so that i wouldn't look that way
Im overthinking kan
Yeah most likely
But u wouldnt see him more after this rite
I hope not. Thanks for hearing me out
Heh no worries. Just keep it cool then
Okay
Dont overthink. Keep a poker face
Okay i will
Feel free to confide. If u dont mind
I'll be at ur mercy

That night we had dinner and I was the only girl among the arrived, so I sat beside Zafran who annoyed me to oblivion I had to tilt my head back staring at the ceiling counting till ten before I turned back to him and snarled an apology. He laughed at my reaction and said he was only joking. I told him I want to throw the plates at him.

I know he was only teasing and likes to tease me because I react but it doesn't make any difference. Maybe I wanted to react, not holding myself back like I've been doing with my Likas colleagues. They've known me since my immature days and they still accept me so I might as well be immature when I'm around them.

Then I saw the matter walking in with my boss and sat at the same table. I took my phone out and immediately texted

I want to curse. I didn't know I'll have to take ur advice so soon
Hey keep it
Okay okay

I was laughing. It was funny coming from a guy who curse verbally with the f word, but I appreciated it. Zafran looked at me weird. He told me to go sit and mingle with the staff nurses so I took his hint and left the table gladly.

Confession time

Writing has always been my outlet, my sense of therapy. What do I get from this? A bit clearer headed I guess. Maybe I want someone to read this and physically drag me to the help I needed. Atiqah has always been a fucking sad softie and I need to figure this out because we can't be seen weak. Why? I'm egoistic that's why.

But the wall is slowly breaking and sad softie is surfacing and I don't know what's going to happen if it does. Probably literally break down in some hallway.

Before this, all I want is to be happy and live proud of myself. It's getting too hard for that, nothing really makes me happy and I'm not at all proud of myself.  The bouts of joy that I felt for the past God knows months were misguided.

So I'm revising. Now all I want is to behave and go to Heaven. Whatever resolve I have now is just to keep myself in line, so that I wouldn't do anything that will disgrace my family or further nil my chance of getting into Heaven. Sinful things because God it's so tempting. I want so bad to hurt myself in so many ways, I want the physical pain to override this emotional pain that softie is feeling. But I can't and won't do that.

Can I even go further south than this? Don't think about it, it's a dangerous territory.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on. How much longer do I wait until I throw the towel and say the word. I need to handle this professionally that's why I'm bidding my time, I can't just walk away. Atiqah walks away but I can't, I won't. For whatever it's worth, we cannot be seen as irresponsible. I always clean up the mess I made.

I'll have to tell Boss I'm going. Where? Who fucking knows. We just need to go. We'll figure out as we go.

But not today or tomorrow, not even the day after. Like Sober sang, I've a lot to do but I don't want to do anything. Fact remains I still have to do them. I'm keeping myself in line, see? Atiqah can break down on Postcall Thursday and take EL on Nothing Friday if need be, just don't mess up Study Monday, Exam Tuesday or Oncall Wednesday and be sober for Oncall Sunday.

No Kak Elli, I don't think it's the exam talking

You know when you listen to a song in a foreign language but you gravitate to it? The vibe, the tempo struck you, somehow the song fits your mood but you have no idea what the song is about. It just feels right.

Then you get curious as the song plays in your head. You Google the lyric meaning and just.. smile in amusement. Look what we have here.

It’s hard for me to be sober
I can’t do anything
I hate being sober
I can’t fall asleep without you
Time is so damn slow,
I’m just growing old, I live like I’m dead
I have so many damn things to do
but I have nothing that I want to do

The world is cold to me
People’s eyes are prickling on me
I seem like an adult
but I’m really a child that’s really tall
My young dreams are just faded fantasies
My mood is like a vast wilderness
People don’t understand me
So I just wanna lose it without even knowing

BIGBANG - Sober

This is why I listen to Japanese or Korean songs, because I have no idea what the meanings are, I just go with what they feels like. Conveying feelings across languages is something comforting, we don't even know each other but we understand each other.

As opposed to people around you, speaking the same language but seem so foreign to you.

---

Today is dad's birthday. I need to cheer up. Fake better front.

This is going south

Suddenly there was a tightness in my chest and I felt a rise. What is this. I started pacing and hyperventilating. I want to run. I want to run now and disappear. I need to disappear now.

I was still pacing and hyperventilating. Oh shit I need to calm down. I need me to materialize so that I can calm myself down, I can't do this alone. But I'm alone. I looked myself in the mirror so I could see someone else and I didn't know what that look in my eyes meant. I leaned my forehead against it and told myself to calm down.

Calm down, calm down. Whatever is wrong, it is what it is, just calm down first.

My breathing evened out. I looked up and saw into my reflection. The look has waned a bit. You're okay now, kid. You're okay.

And then I sat on the floor. What was that. I don't know. Can we go disappear now please?

Crooked

It's an upbeat song. The tempo immediately had you head banging and your body jumping, hands thrown up. It's the perfect party song.

But it's actually a sad song. It's about a person rebelling because he was heartbroken. He was clearly acting up. Getting loose because he wanted attention, denying help when he was literally screaming for help. Putting up a cocky front when actually deep down he was hurt, all he wanted was to feel safe again.

It's the anthem for rebels. Just jump into oblivion, fuck everything else, "leave me alone, I'm alone anyway".

Rebelling against what? God, for putting him in this position? It feels like that for me.

Strangers

Talking to strangers is a breather that sometimes I need to take. When I can't relax around people I know, I'll turn to strangers and let loose. Because their opinion on you doesn't matter. No stakes, can't disappoint strangers. And it's not called strangers if you meet them again.

Heh. Had I another life I'm probably the one night stand type.

One time I went out for dinner alone and was the next-in-line thus last customer at the burger stall. The two bros working the stall told me to take a seat while waiting and we chatted and chatted. I talked more during that 30 minutes from ordering to after my burger was done than during my hours at work that day.

I would have had my dinner there chatting amiably with them had mosquitoes didn't assault me (I was in Sabah and it was almost 9pm). I guess that was divine intervention telling me good girls go home before dark.

And then another time I went to the grocer to grab a coconut water because it was a hot night and I felt like it. I went to pay and the lady standing behind me asked if the drink was any good.

I don't know, I told her. My first time trying this.

She ohhed.

I paid and opened the can there. I took a sip and then turned to her. Yup, not bad.

She nodded. I then went off.

Wuss

I'm an actual chicken.

For example, I had my first piercing when I was seven but I was scared even to take it off afterwards. That same year I had a squabble with my younger bro and he accidentally punched my right ear and the earring there rolled off and I didn't dare to have it put back. The hole then closed and until today, I only have my left earring on.

No one ever asked me why I'm only wearing half a pair of earrings except Siti Khadijah better known as CtK who saw it only once and asked me about it. Otherwise people only see it and I only get asked when I myself mention it.

As I said, too chicken to even remove it, so I've been wearing the same stud until only two months ago? I felt I need a change, I felt like wearing a dangling one and so I stalled before detaching my stud.

It took me 22 years.

Let's not get into how I would run then have anything inserted in my eyes thus why I never wear contact lenses. Oh but remember when I got LASIK done? That was legendary bravado.

But yeah. I did go through a lot of things that makes people see me as strong and brave, but I'm not. I'm so not. I go through things with a "let's get this over with" mindset. That's not brave, that's acceptance laced with recklessness.

So what prompted this post?

---

With the amount of writings I've done, I should write a book and quit my day job.

Or quit my day job and write a book.

Or just quit my day job.

But then what?

Tomatoes

The first breakfast I had there I piled up tomatoes on my plate because I'm a big fan of tomatoes since Egypt days (Egypt's tomatoes are so so good) and I thought well they're pretty much next door so Jordan's tomatoes must be as good, yeah?

But to my horror them tomatoes were sour. The old kind of sour. I felt betrayed, like the chef stabbed me with the fork I was eating with. I barely swallowed the piece I chewed and I gave up on the rest of them. My mood was sullen. Why was the tomatoes sour? How could they do this to me? Gone were my hopes and dreams of reliving my days in Egypt by having sweet tomatoes for breakfast. This was so wrong. I got up and had toast for breakfast instead, still complaining. My travelmate chuckled disbelieved at my mini outburst but being the person who usually bottles her emotions and reserves them for only important stuffs I felt I had every right to be emotional about tomatoes.

Enough to say I didn't touch any tomatoes for the remainder of my stay. I actually glared at them every morning I pass them at the breakfast buffet. Goodness this kid held vengeance.

Questionability

I'm up to doing questionable things nowadays. But I don't want to be questioned because for everything that it's worth I still have a shred of faith in me and you don't publicise doing some things when you still have a shred of faith left.

So how not to be questioned when you're doing questionable things? I surmised either
1) don't let it be known that you're doing questionable things
2) be an unquestionable person
3) just don't care

I'm opting for the first and second, focusing on the second because it's something I can control.

To be an unquestionable person, you need to maintain an appearance.

Appear physically fit and normal.
Appear mentally sound and stable.
Appear mature and well-cared of.

But by all means, I can only do these consciously. If I tip off balance then you'll know of that day.

Just hold it in

I found solace in the worst of places.

It's my fault, I brought this onto myself. I chose to step my foot into it, both feet in just waiting to sink. It's like drinking sea water when you're thirsty. Keep on drinking and you'll die. I've got my taste of it, it's egging me on and I have no resolve. I'm going to die.

It was so good now I'm blurred which is reality and which is fiction. I don't think I'll ever get enough from the life that I have now that I know what could be, but it wouldn't be. My life will never be like that because I've limitations.

Or so what I think is solace. It's not, for all it's worth it's going to torment me even more. It's a meaningless fuck.

I should stay away. I must stay away, find proper solace...

Who would you call for reassurance

How do people stay focused and motivated? Progress in their personal and career path. I'm sure they had their struggles as well but what we see is they have actual progress. Whereas I can't seem to be achieving anything.

Anything?

Tell me one thing. Career wise? Meh. And not even someone to have a proper conversation with, thus this lengthy monologues on blog.

Maybe you should stop looking at others and just focus on yourself. Everyone goes through different things.

Can't help looking at others. There are people around and I don't live in my own world. Are you suggesting we go somewhere with no one around? Bobby's Runaway hits too close to home.

Is that a good idea?

I wouldn't know until we try. I need to break this cycle.

Fucking go see a therapist.

BIGBANGie's Lies

Situation: My MO is in town. I just got off work, straight went for dinner because I was famished and only then I texted her, to which she replied minutes later that she's at her hotel and asking where am I.

It's 8.30pm. I'm not oncall tomorrow. But I'm tired. Can I not meet up?

Savinder would have yelled in my ears "I didn't come all the way here for you to sleep!"
Yes he would. And I'd hate him for it.
If it's Luqman, will you give excuses?
I think I might still give excuses.
Good to know you're unbiased.. but what's wrong with you?
Don't ask me difficult questions.

Can I just keep quiet and not reply her message? I read it though.
It's disrespectful.
Why do I owe so much to people?
Let's soon move somewhere far away where no one knows us.

Zafran called me just now. Just telling that he's in town with Mustaq and they're hanging out with Che Mat. He said maybe we'll meet up later.

When he said that, I realized somewhat how Luqman felt that I was in KL but didn't even tell him. So I called him afterwards, at 7.30ish. The phone rang until voicemail.

Whatever it is, don't be rude to your family. They're all you have.

My family came to Sabah last week. I was still in that depressive, angry, anxious mood. But I did my best.

I did get angry at trivial things some times and walk off once. I tried not to but I just.. 

I think, if I were with friends or colleagues, I would just remain silent and impassive. My face wouldn't hide it but at least I wouldn't say anything. But they're my family and you're allowed to not hold back with family and so I snapped.

They didn't deserve it and of course I regret it.

The last day mom and dad thanked me and I felt like crying because there were times I didn't treat them well and there were times I could have treated them better.

Mom said she didn't worry about me now. But mom can't you see I was, am in a mess?

She's my mom, she couldn't be oblivious, right? Am I hiding it well then?

I went back to work on Friday. My motto that day was to wear light coloured items so I wouldn't look so depressive. I wore a light green tudung with a light blue shirt and beige pants. Colleague said I looked fresh.

Friday night I stayed over at Mizah because she invited me over, and I needed to be with company or maybe I'll go mad.

She asked me on an adventure for Saturday and Sunday. Why not, so we went away that AM. I accidentally left my phone at her place and only noticed it later when I thought of telling my parents I'm going away. I didn't went back for it. Mizah multiple times asked me if I needed to call my parents to inform them but I just didn't.

I'm not always like this. Usually I'll ask permission first thing. But that day I just felt like going off radar.

So I told Mizah I'm not calling anyone and if by the time I collect my phone back there was no calls for me at all I'll probably leave my phone at home for the next next weekends.

That PM Mizah asked me again if I'm calling my parents but I asked her to check my FB instead.

"Why?"
"If I were my mom and I couldn't contact me by calls nor message, I'll post on my FB profile."

She checked. Nothing posted. So I guess there was nothing urgent going back at home.

Sunday PM we arrived back in KK and I collected my phone. There were 5 calls from mom and 10 from dad, no other calls as I expected.

I later called them and mom gently told me off for leaving my phone and not informing them. I noted mom didn't said she was worried, she said she was concerned. I told her that I turned down Mizah's offer and I apologised, I shouldn't make them worry.

See my words. I'm not sorry for being uncontactable. I was just sorry I made them worry, but were they? Maybe they were.

Will I leave my phone again? Not unlikely.