salut d'amour

Today I passed in front of one of the patients' room and I heard salut d'amour playing from a child's music box. 

The room was occupied by a 2 months old Chinese patient who had an eventful neonatal period with multiple surgeries done, and this time presented with another pathology. 

The child was being discharged today and I thought, how classy. I passed in front of it few more times because it's one of my favourite piece (I particularly enjoy Itzhak Perlman's recording) and I always listen to it whenever I want to feel loved. 

The child must have been so loved. 

shasha calling me out for whatever closet that i am

During Malaysia's Day I went for kopitiam with Shasha. She saw Emperor Penpen in my car and asked if I like cartoon characters. So I told her Penpen is Junho from 2PM and she's like

"Ohh so you're a Hottest!"

She was dropping names like "Uri Jib" "Heya Hae" and damn this girl knows. But she said she likes girl group better.

"I like guys."

"BTS?"

"Too cute for me. I'm talking about men. Older men."

"Manly men?"

I gave a sideway look. She knows. She definitely knows.

"I like their newer songs more actually, since Michigo Aniya era till now. Their songs are getting-" 

"-Perverted."

I couldn't turn fast enough. Damn she's calling me out hahaha. "I mean better." But hey that works too.

I've actually been running Jun K songs nowadays. It just crossed my mind to see Slip and Slide translations and bro... This dude really been having fun eh. 

i dont like clinic duty

If I can avoid going to clinic, I will. Because the staff nurses are so so loud and always gossiping, it's cold and phone line there sucks. But last week I was in charged of clinic so that's where I was from 9am till noon. I try to dash off as early as lunch break.

I'd be in a cubicle with my music on. I don't like earphones actually so my phone will be on medium volume, enough for me to hear and block out everyone else. I'll be seeing patients or most of the time reading Ashcraft or fanfiction or playing Ball Sort.

I'd be playing recordings of concertos or symphonies. My surgeons would pass by and querry what music is that. The nurses would say that's Dr. Atiqah.

Yesterday Vebster dropped in my cubicle and asked me why am I suddenly listening to "classical music". 

I looked at him a bit impressed. He used the correct term. The nurses had been calling it opera music and I didn't bother to say anything.

I told him this isn't sudden and smirked. 

Actually I'm just drowning my thoughts. I think too much and too deep. With the music on I'd be analysing the music instead, the up bows and down, the phrasing, the rhythm and most importantly the feelings it evoke. And I wouldn't have singers putting words in my feelings for me. 

attended my first violin concerto

Woke up. 

Showered. Washed my hair. 

Put on the new nicely fitted long sleeved black shirt and good jeans. 

Breakfast of Singaporean fried meehoon with lots of keropok. Tasted nothing like a Singaporean fried meehoon though. Couldn't even come close to my favourite Summer Cafe's Chinese fried meehoon. Ahh but what choice do I have being so far from Lahad Datu. Saved half for dinner. 

And a cup of good coffee, the Nescafe Gold Flat White ones. 

Still got time. Cleaned the room. 

How should I wear my hair today. Leave it down? Low ponytail? Ah. Braided thy hair. 

Some matte lipstick in the colour Fiery and two sprigs of black musk perfume. Because it's a concerto and I gotta dress up. 

A glass of chilled almond milk, just because it's Australian. 

Attended the concerto. I'm excited. 

So nice. It sounded so beautiful I could fall asleep. Ohh that third movement is actually really good. 

Clapped at the end of third movement. Bowed out and waved goodbye. 

Now... Although I'm still full from breakfast and almond milk, let's go have some bubble tea.

Edited:

So I waited for afternoon prayers before going out and washed the perfume on me because let's admit it, two sprigs was too much. Even one sprig is a lot. I could barely breathe. 

Afternoon prayers done. Finished my fried meehoon leftovers. 

So comfortable. So sleepy. Cuddled with Jiyong and slept for god knows how long. 

Woke up to a bleary world. Ahh. It rained, no wonder. 

But should we still get that bubble tea today? We should continue this date today. 

Went down. Housemates were having tea and they invited me. I ate a piece of keropok and went back up for evening prayers. Went back down and sat for Earl grey tea and two pieces of roti jala with kari ayam. 

It's 7pm now. Usrah online in an hour and half. Let's get that bubble tea babe. 

No Kak Elli, I don't think it's the exam talking

You know when you listen to a song in a foreign language but you gravitate to it? The vibe, the tempo struck you, somehow the song fits your mood but you have no idea what the song is about. It just feels right.

Then you get curious as the song plays in your head. You Google the lyric meaning and just.. smile in amusement. Look what we have here.

It’s hard for me to be sober
I can’t do anything
I hate being sober
I can’t fall asleep without you
Time is so damn slow,
I’m just growing old, I live like I’m dead
I have so many damn things to do
but I have nothing that I want to do

The world is cold to me
People’s eyes are prickling on me
I seem like an adult
but I’m really a child that’s really tall
My young dreams are just faded fantasies
My mood is like a vast wilderness
People don’t understand me
So I just wanna lose it without even knowing

BIGBANG - Sober

This is why I listen to Japanese or Korean songs, because I have no idea what the meanings are, I just go with what they feels like. Conveying feelings across languages is something comforting, we don't even know each other but we understand each other.

As opposed to people around you, speaking the same language but seem so foreign to you.

---

Today is dad's birthday. I need to cheer up. Fake better front.

Crooked

It's an upbeat song. The tempo immediately had you head banging and your body jumping, hands thrown up. It's the perfect party song.

But it's actually a sad song. It's about a person rebelling because he was heartbroken. He was clearly acting up. Getting loose because he wanted attention, denying help when he was literally screaming for help. Putting up a cocky front when actually deep down he was hurt, all he wanted was to feel safe again.

It's the anthem for rebels. Just jump into oblivion, fuck everything else, "leave me alone, I'm alone anyway".

Rebelling against what? God, for putting him in this position? It feels like that for me.

From cats to soulmates

The other day Kanggun-kun posted an adorable selca where his cat was 80% in the foreground staring haughtily into the camera and him peeking at the back grinning. The cat's pose was regal and I was smitten, so I Googled to put a name on the royal cuteness.

Koong and Kanggun-kun

Google brought me to a site where Kanggun-kun stated his cats are named Koong and DdaDda after the sounds a drum kit makes. That's a respectable drummer for you. He said he's a cat person because cats are "haughty and adorable" and I second him 100%.

The interview continued with Kanggun-kun commenting he was told he is a perfectionist. This reminds me of the reality show the band was in and Kanggun-kun portrayed himself as a reliable and responsible neat person who is firm with his ways despite being one of the youngest of the four. He may comes across as too serious when you compare him to fun-loving Yonghwa-sama, sometimes-touchy-sometimes-aloof Jonghyun-kun and mischievous Jungshin-kun.

This also brought me to when Kanggun-kun spoke of his date a long time ago where he planned the whole evening in advance to maximise the activities and save cost, but his date was exhausted from it at the end of the day. Yonghwa-sama and the hosts said he was too serious and should have been more laid-back in enjoying each other's company.

The way he spoke of it, I imagined anyone would be tired from following his plan, but I believe someone special would smile and appreciate his effort and hardwork to give what he perceived as the best date for them. I hope he finds someone who will appreciate him for everything that he is. And I thought of Kak Junaidah and I hope the same for her too.

And I smiled because I nearly forgot about myself. Yes, I too hope I find someone who will appreciate me for everything that I am. And for you kind readers as well.

Haru is a dude

There's something I need to work on.

This evening I met Heba and talked to her. She seemed to have grown even taller than the last time we met and I felt guilty how I thought she was like a giraffe when she had to stoop so low to brush cheeks with me. Anyway that's not my point.

Heba was talking bullet fast in English and I barely answered back. And I'm not sure what the problem was.

(a) Language. I write better in English than I can in my own mother tongue and I even think in English. But in real life I speak fluently in Malay way better than I can in English.

(b) Interpersonal. Because I haven't seen her in a very long time and I don't really know her that well personally, I went into neutral mode. That translates to being more agreeable and less sharing my opinions, thus the setback.

(c) Gender issue. She chatted about her living arrangement and I was more listening than I was commenting. She was being a normal girl while I.. I think I behaved more like a dude then. Is this bad or is this not bad? I took a quiz recently and it said I think 100% like a guy.

But I'm a healthy straight female!

If it's (a), this means I need a real living person next to me and just speak my mind. Haru, materialise now kudasai!

If it's (b), then I need a better social protocol otherwise risk bore people out. Diplomats like Khadijah and Roy have an admirable personality, but I know I can never be that (cunningly) good with people. I'm a Choleric, not Sanguine by default. I'll learn though.. It'd be like Sasuke learning from Naruto how not to be an ice cube.

If it's (c), then I'm doomed.. Maybe I need to ask how the girls think of me in this context. Other than that, I don't know what to do. Truthfully in general, I find girls annoying. I kind of like being a girl who thinks like a guy.

But actually, Haru is a girl. And you know how stupid girls get when they go into shoujo mode.

It can't be helped that I like CNBLUE's music so much that I'm starting to pay attention to the members, and this is the trigger for this second half of this rant. I've been hooked on CNBLUE to the point reality seemed blurred. But I have repented and learnt my lesson from this episode. Let me share it here, not exactly in a particular order:

(1) When you feel, justify. Scrutinise until you can't break it down anymore, until there is no doubt that you are feeling what you are feeling. If you like something, ask yourself which part of it you like. Ask yourself why you like it. Don't settle for bullshit like "I don't know. Love is blind" because you will be blinded.

(2) Don't confuse an idea for the real deal. A clear example is how I love the idea of eating keropok right now, but to get up and fry some and the calories... so leceh. You get the idea, right?

(3) Don't start what you can't envision how it will end well. Don't entertain the idea of someone if you can't see the possibility of marrying him. Don't confess I love you but then do nothing proactive. It hurts them and it hurts you. If you have to let go, might as well don't even start.

But this point is clearly debatable.

A: How would you know the end of something you didn't even start? How guaranteed is that the protocols you came up with will be? This itself is an idea, not the real deal.
H: We will discuss this later.
A: You're a coward.
H: I like that song, I must be one.

(4) There is more to life than romantic love. This is probably the most important lesson I learned. People say youth is the time to experience love, but bear in mind love has many shades. Don't hung all your hope on romantic love. Experience life, it is short!

(5) I do, indeed, am attracted to another me. Which is a tiresome trap. I would date myself if I want to settle for a great spouse who will accept me as I am, but I want an extraordinary spouse who makes me want to be a better me.

(6) People's personal is not my business. Don't make it a habit.

Resuscitation is in the form of looping The Vamps and staying off CNBLUE for a while. Ah, I'm missing them already.

"When people disappear, there is no contact."

Take a shower.
Pack your bag in case you don't come back.
Go out.
Walk briskly, let's go somewhere with less people.
Walk and just feel the wind.
Zip the sweater up.
Walk.. until sweat trickles down.
Walk until you're done.

Walk back.
Should I buy bread?
No, we should stop eating.
Oh, it's Jonghyun's My Love.
I don't want to go back yet.
Let's stop for juice.
He's still singing.
Let's take the other route.
This song is sweet. It suits him but not CNBLUE.
The band hardly play that song, I think.

Song ends.
Arrives home.

Should I go up?
Where else would you go?
Somewhere with stars.
It's too windy this time of the year and we left the inhaler.
Okay.
Let's study.

Guitar Freak

CNBLUE has 4 members as all know. All four have their own Twitter account (all except Yonghwa-sama are on Instag) and their handle are as follow:

@JYHeffect
@MentalShin (@leejungshin91 on Instag)
@MR_KANGGUN
@cnbluegt

The first three handles at first glance reflect the owner individually except for the last one. It's Jonghyun's. The first time I saw it, it kept me puzzled what gt stands for. Why not jh? The closest gt I could think of was Son Goten (haha) but Minhyuk-kun is the otaku among them, not Jonghyun.

Until I came across FT Island's guitarist's account (Jonghoon) by accident. His Twitter handle was @FtGtJH. Ft was of course a nod to his band. JH was his initials and there's that Gt again.

And it clicked. Gt stood for guitar(ist).

Haru: That's like the default handle for the band's guitarist. So what? If CNBLUE changes guitarist, is Jonghyun going to give up the handle?

Me: No.. It means he's CNBLUE's guitarist for good.

You can see Yonghwa-sama's world domination aim from his handle (the effect part dude. With his talent and mindset, he really is going to go far.). You can see Jungshin's playfulness from his. You can see Minhyuk's nice-guy personality from his.

But Jonghyun's.. It was like a pledge to be CNBLUE's guitarist for the rest of his life. It's like Lee Jonghyun equals CNBLUE's guitarist, that being the band's guitarist was the definition of his existence (lol this is too much, probably just his social media account).

That guitar freak. And such admirable loyalty. He really love the guys like his family in his subtle macho way.

---

Psychiatry paper is over. I should be analysing Surgery instead of this, or the political play in Kasr el Ainy.

Your mah lady, aaahh, ahhh hah

Yesterday we went for lunch at Chili's Maadi to take advantage of the 50% off for ladies 12-2pm. Ordered a medium-done classic sirloin and it was good. I would have preferred it slightly more undercooked though.

The atmosphere was a win for me. Bandar Mall was located in the middle of a complex of apartments and it made looking out of the window very homey. I'd like to live in this sort of place.

Then we went off to ice-skate at Maadi Family Land, a complex of family-friendly activities which was LE10 taxi away from there. Family Land is near to where Dr. Heba lives. We went to the Ice Planet passing through an arcade which had racing games and basketball shooting games and I was like, man I need to come here again.

So about Ice Planet. We paid LE50 each and my aim was to be able to fly across the rink by the end of one hour. The first 15 minutes saw me trying to get the hang of skating and falling down twice amidst the loud music barring disco scene. The ice was stubbly like that of a tarred road and I still have the lacerations and bruises now.

Soon I got the hang of it and was skating in the middle of the rink, when suddenly the music changed to Phil's Happy. My hand automatically went clapping and I almost lost my balance. Hahaha.

The next songs were even more hyper-inducing and I was skating like a crippled monkey across the rink. They played Wrecking Ball (I flew forward everytime Miley crooned "came in like a wre~cking ball" and then stumbled) and Eminem's Lose Yourself (man I miss this song).

My time was up, so I went out and had a drink while watching my friends play. Florida's Low ft T-pain came out and the manager turned off the light and flashed out the disco light. Bwahaha you should have seen the look on my thiqoh friends' faces who were still on the rink.

I was enjoying myself too much. The song up next was BEP's Boom Boom Pow! My friends started to give me the glare from me knowing the names of all those songs, hahah.

I went home and downloaded CNBLUE Zepp Tour live in Tokyo 2013.

Crescent-lit Night

I sing a song with all my heart, my heart

Do you know the story of you and me

That is shining in this world?

Unchangingly always by my side

Your heart is making me shine

I hope that this feeling

Can continue shining on forever

Yes, I hope that your and my feelings

Will surely become a single star

I sing a song with all my heart, my heart

Humming CN Blue - Starlit Night

Campfire night at Orabi Farm, 

030114

For the first time in my life I wanted to be a microphone

I don't write about major events. They usually leave me too speechless to pen them down. The best I can give you is a recap at the end of the year.

Anyway, I would like to properly introduce you to the person who made me jealous of an inanimate object. His name is Jonghyun, two months older than me, a crazy awesome guitar freak with a rock star aptitude ironically blessed with a pop/ballad voice. 

I have a record of falling for good-for-nothing impossible-to-get guys and the more I get to know people, the more flaws I found so the old-age adage of "love is a verb" really does hit me hard. I'll do my best (lulz) but let's see how this ends.. though I already know how it's going to end. Hahah.

I'm going to get killed because of this confession, believe it. And I hope he keeps his hair about that long and remains the happy but cool reliable white-tee-and-jeans undyed hair dude I'd always adore.

"all is well, all is well, all is well."

hi. just an update on how everything is going now.

i busted my laptop the other day and haven't got around to repair it, well it's actually a matter of finance and yes the usual lazy ass issue. until then, it has been five years of loyalty and continuous service from the laptop, hontouni arigatou gozaimasu. i named it haizen during the earlier year with it but it's kinda too weird, i dunno why i named it such. bleach-influenced perhaps.

so i am hanging on to doing stuffs from my phone, which is a little over the top when one's job includes heavy documenting. a little pain but nothing a good dose of music couldn't heal, haha. i am writing this from freeloading off umair's laptop :)

we finished our paediatrics round last thursday and i miss it so much, it has been great fun. i should keep on studying paeds regardless, because it felt weird not to study hard for something lol. although i must say my sanity almost died and i bothered everyone with my incessant whining and impending suicides during the end round exam period.

at the abou rish children hospital lobby. this place is cool it has aquariummmmmm~

anyway, i miss paeds. the doctors, the patients, the subject itself. last night i revised a teeny bit over whatsapp with abang ayep. great fun :D

that night we had our long-overdue usrah and voila, strawberry crepe!

we started surgery yesterday. imagine, only two hours of class everyday. this is bad. i can see myself sleeping more and more and the general consensus of hibernating brown bears will be so proud of me. already made a pact with umair and faiz on how to manage this too much time so let's see me sticking with it. i really can't study at home. it won't work.

and last saturday, we went for futsal and i still! have the lumbago and leg cramp until now. which is not surprising considering it has been a year since i last played seriously and we went crazy on the field. in my defense, we did properly warmed up and down and i even got farahnur to walk with me to fro mounira - zenhoum.

spot the imported striker from ain shams.

my back. it makes me feel old. now where is that aspirin patch? anyway, it was awesome. typical me to go reckless where passion lies, haha. ara's team won with 2-1 and my hat's off for them. ara herself is one formidable opponent.

this coming winter break. well i only have something planned for the first week and another one day with kak elle, so i have a lot of time to do some other stuffs. this is again a financial issue, because i cannot bring myself to think of going somewhere not here when i can't dish cash out freely. haha.

where did all my money go, you ask? well it was written in Previously in 2012.

so.. maybe i will use this winter to plan next year's winter :) need to do a hell load of researching to make this work. plus this is a good time to reorganize my internal medicine and paediatrics "encyclopedia" and analyze someone.. which brings me to my next point.

i have been looping CN BLUE nowadays since i found their JAPANESE songs a day before the paeds exam. haha, crazy right? actually i have been listening to them (i only have three of their songs on my ipod, but anything goes) since 2011 but only now i am officially infatuated. this is mostly because my ears are made for japanese songs rather than korean language; it doesn't get digested much.

and the japanese songs has been shared with umair. i selected my most favourite best which was sang by jonghyun. guy is so.. heh. told you i was infatuated.

what else? oh yes. yesterday we went and got our first dose of hepatitis b vaccine. well mom said i should check my antibody against it first since we had been vaccinated during infancy, but that's like dinosaur ages ago. plus we were already on the way to vacsera at that time, can't go back now.

so. it wasn't painful at all! i was the first up and it was done in a blink, i was surprised because i expected it to hurt. but post vaccination, the arm wasn't really as strong and i was tired. not sleepy tired, but yawning-four-times-in-a-minute-worse-than-a-morphine-addict kind of tired.

happy faces post vaccinated.

right now i am having breakfast. umair cooked fried noodle. awesomeness. i only have breakfast when i freeload at her place haha. so not good at taking care of myself.

i should add that the cardiotrophic parasite is now fibrosed. i need a surgical incision or maybe a heart transplant.

:) see ya,
hana

Married to my work

You don't choose which pit to fall into, you just did. Blame the resilient devils, your weak self, the enticing pit, whatever. You still have to pull yourself back up no matter how hard it is because you have somewhere you have to go, something to achieve. The pit is not the end of your journey.

Remember who you are. Remember what you want. Remember where you want to go. It never ends here.

Homie I don't know, he's hot and cold
Won't stop, won't mess my groove up
'Cause I already know how this thing end

---

Every winter, I will remember Heartless. You would, too, if you heard Dia Frampton singing so hauntingly and this part got stuck in your brain ever since.

How could you be so cold as the winter wind when it breeze yo

Harapan

Ramadan lepas, kami nak ke rumah pak long di Bangi. Along drive, saya di sebelah. Lagu Harapan oleh Hyper Act sedang dimainkan oleh radio Era.

"Along suka style lagu macam ni." Along merujuk kepada teknik vokal vokalis tersebut. "Macam Train. Ape nama vokalis Train?"

"Pat. Pat Monahan." Saya menjawab.

"Ha~tiku~" Along menyanyi mengikut lagu tersebut. Saya tersengih dan berazam untuk muat turun lagu ni sebaik sahaja pulang ke rumah demi nilai sentimentalnya.

---

Memandangkan keadaan sekarang, mungkin bukan langkah yang bijak untuk biarkan lagu ni dimainkan apabila iPod on shuffle..

Haru. Kata berjiwa lelaki. Sila lebihkan menggunakan otak.

The Girl Who Takes Things For Granted

You've gotta be extra careful with the things
that are close and dearest to you,
You know the closer you get to something,
the tougher it is to see it.

Explain to me this happiness that you just got to experience,
Or maybe you're so blessed that you can't even remember it all.

That you are standing here with me,
That you live and breathe and see and feel,
They're all little miracles and wonder just by themselves.

It's fine to say "Never give up" and "Keep on chasing your dreams",
But the more time you spend talking big,
the less you get done with life.

I'll let that handful of courage in my heart
help me survive another day,
And I'll never take it for granted.
Let's go!

Inoue Joe - Closer
Naruto Shippuden 4th Opening Song

"Think about your happiest moments. Was there someone there also?"

janually
Matchmaker, Matchmaker

To ComMed I Dedicate

It comes to a point where everything reminds you of Community Medicine.

I wasn't looking for this, but now you're in my way.
It's hard to look right at you, baby.
Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe

I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind,
and out of all these things I've done,
I think I love you better now.
Ed Sheeran - Lego House

Please don't waste my time,
I'm not trying to rewind,
I wish our hearts could come together as one.
JBiebs and Sean Kingston - Eenie Meenie

Baby, baby, baby oooh.
Like baby, baby, baby nooo.
Like baby, baby, baby oooh.
I thought you'd always be mine.
JBiebs - Baby 

Such a douche song yeah but we should all shut up and just enjoy the good music. And take the 'baby' out and replace it with 'ComMed', it'll make more sense.

I don’t need nothing else.
I promise God, I swear.
I just need ComMed to love.
JB - Somebody to Love

And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me,
and the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.
Taylor Swift - The Story of Us

I wish I have a dog who can banter expletives with me.

I wish I can drink more coffee without busting my stomach.

You're the kind of reckless,
That should send me runnin',
But I kinda know that I won't get far.
Taylor Swift - Sparks Fly

I'm bleeding Community Medicine. Can we turn back the last two weeks?

Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming,
But if we loved again, I swear I'd study you right.
Taylor Swift - Back to December

Officially busted all fuses in my brain.

Path We Chose #2

I shouldn't have talked to 'him'.

It left my debative self sad and dead and for the taciturn nature to rise up again. Because the mind was made up and more importantly, the heart was closed shut.

So I left.

Before The Worst and How To Save A Life popped up to mirror the gloom inside. So much would, could, should have been done to prevent this ending. I wouldn't want to live a Breakeven.

Somehow as I continued my stroll with my head hung low, For The First Time played in my playlist. And I realized when you have Allah, that's all you need. Faith gives you hope, and I wouldn't want the devil to creep regret inside.


Everything had been planned by Allah and every encounter we had was a message from Him, if only we think. Perhaps I was meant to be helpless despite probably having done my best, as a reminder to always leave the rest to Allah.

The very least I have left in my arsenal are prayers for the heart to be continually bound, entwined around and steadfast together on this path.. Because there will always be a thread between us, no matter how thin and weak it is.

If nothing else, the abducent nerve itself is the weakest nerve we have but the longest for sure.

The Weekend That Wasn't

It could have been the perfect plan. Drop everything and just go. Perhaps as a courtesy to others, I would have called and rescheduled but I would still be gone.

And there, just me. And a new city to explore. A night to live and appreciate the view from this perspective before a small room to crash in. Morning comes and what little exploring I could before the score to settle with you and a group of people they would never approve of. We would have breathed with the same rhytm and pulsed with the same beat, and later I alone would have staggered back to my room to pocket what few hours I could.


Another morning of exploration and maybe a quick slide down the desert. I could kick sand on beaches and rest back to enjoy the blue sky shimmering down the blue waves. And pick up that purchase as a favour I should see to. Perhaps we'll meet again before I start back the reality I have paused on.

I would have flown 1500 miles for all this and spend two months' worth of allowance for a two-nights of ignorance. But above all, I would have dropped everything I cared for for this last opportunity for 2011 to meet up with you in full action.

But I didn't.. and I blame the exam for that. Although the real fault here could have been my overthinking capacity that ruined my chances.

Or it could have been divine intervention to stop me before I plunge way deeper into abyss and go beyond recognizable. A chance to help myself, to clear my mind as to what I want to achieve in this short three more years of my study. I am not saying I am glad I didn't go there nor am I lamenting the opportunity I gave up (deep down, I know a part of me does). There would be another this in the future and the same consideration to be made.

My life is scripted. I regret nothing.