Be brave

It'd be best if he fishes, because grilled fresh fish is the best when you're by the sea. Undoubtedly cheaper and modernly barbaric to be literally working for food. Salt, pepper, some fresh rosemary maybe and a squeeze of lemon. We'll share with any passers-by, I'm not stingy.

If he's comfortable with being silence in nature and let me just lay down and stare at the sky. I want to stop time and absorb and enjoy everything slowly. Surrounding me are supernaturally beautiful nature, and when I look to my side, there's him.

If he's adventurous and wouldn't mind taking off after a quick planning. We'll walk and explore. Get lost in nook and crannies. Say hi to the locals and get invited for hot chocolate. Stop to stoop at cats, though I doubt there will be any on the street in this minus degree weather.

Past sunset, it's out for the light hunt. We must or I'll cry. We'll be dressed as warm as possible and I'd prep my brain to commit every scene to memory. Join the Arctic Guide perhaps. 3 nights for only USD400, I don't mind.

We'll go to the mountains and into the fjords. We'll sneak onto reindeers and probably make friends with the Sami. Will he be friendly? Because I tend to be silent on first encounter, so I'll be relying on him.

Oh. Most importantly he shouldn't be a sissy against the Northern winter cold. Ah what am I saying, maybe I'm the one who is.

It'd be the most fun ever.

decision

during my 23rd birthday, i told my parents i'd like to donate my organs when my end comes. dad was pretty nonchalant when he agreed, but mom made this solemn face. i'm not sure whether that's a yes or no, and i'm not even sure whether i was asking for permission or telling them my decision. i'm 23, legally i'm matured enough to decide what to do with my life.

but parental consultation is wise at any age, so i've been holding on to this form until i can properly discuss this with them. that time, it was me and dad watching TV and mom was at the kitchen and i popped out "hey mom, dad, when i die i want to donate my organs. okay with you guys?"

this summer, inshaAllah.

my reason for such? i'd be dead by then and will have no use for such organs, might as well contribute as much as i can for humankind. and it's not like i'd be that externally disfigured if it's aesthetic value my family is concerned of. hehe.

---

dad prayed for me as an "intensivist" the other day, i wondered what he meant. i took up medicine to follow in dad's footstep as a neonatologist and i really do enjoy paeds. but i also like traumatology. the ability to perform coolly under duress scares and excites me at the same time and several times i envisioned myself patching up broken soldiers back to their working condition.

i want to be able to be dispatched anywhere on earth as a medical field worker and to tick off my to-go list i am unable to fulfil with my time and financial restrictions as a mere student (it's usd4000 per person, i want to cry). doctors without borders so far has need for paediatricians, intensive care physicians, emergency physicians, surgeon even, so i'm good.

but when in doubt, MERGE. haha. yeah, too early to decide. i'm not sure at what stage you get career consultation, but i think if you get it as earliest as possible, you'd be able to decide what to concentrate on during student life thus how to use your time-off wisely. i'd have dad in the summer to consult paeds career, so this winter i'll use it to consult on intensive pathway.

it's going to be a tough career life either way. i suppose it's lifestyle modification that i need now. either a supportive household or a lonesome household, bwahaha. there will be a cat either way.

so today, i read the syllabus for post-graduate critical care medicine with awe. 

Aah

Today in the Neuro class with Dr. Heba Mostafa, she taught us etiquette.

"In the faculty, don't use too much 'masyi' or 'okay'. Use instead 'na3am' or 'laa'. You can use as much 'okay' you want outside the faculty.

Like in the exam and the student didn't hear my question, don't say 'eeh? (what?)' It is improper. Say instead 'Yes?' or 'Sir?'"

At home we were taught to respond people with "Ya?" and I always had to scold Hakim who replied back "Ape dia!" That monkey, haha. (Okay I admit I do this sometimes too, but my tone was more polite.)

Our colleague asked the doctor. "What about 'aiwah'?"

"That is a little bit better than 'okay'."

Aah. But I usually use 'ah' that is the shorter form of 'aiwah'. So that makes my etiquette the worst I suppose.

See, if you don't tame your stubborn kids properly at home, they become wild in the community. Like me. Keh3.

Nice People Die Young

Today we took Burn in Surgery lecture. It was a nice lecture, Dr. Yehia Safwat was cool and awesome. I benefitted since his first slide of Skin Anatomy.

Until we came to the special circumstances concerning Burn ie Upper Respiratory Airway Injury. The phrase laryngeal edema troubled me and made me edgy. I wanted to raise my hand and ask "what about inhalation injury?" but I remembered our previous lecturer who said "If you wait, your question will probably be answered."

So I waited, and there it was. The next subtopic was that of Inhalation Injury.

I swear I've been normal non-edgy since two weeks. I haven't been restless at night and no fire protocol had been running through my head. It had been a good life thinking about studies and where should I put my stuffs once unpacking commence.

The lecture troubled me in a sense that it made me fully appreciate how lucky I was that my inhalation injury was minor and I only had sorethroat for two days that no water could quench. I was aware and made jokes about it. That night, laryngeal edema did concerned me but I brushed it off and went to sleep per normal. I forgot laryngeal edema means can't breathe and death. If I had remember, I would probably went to the ER straight, everything else could wait.

Come to think of it, I made jokes about everything that first few days. Huh. NB: abnormal timely response should be monitored for abnormal post-timely reaction.

After class, I approached the bench and asked questions to justify my not-on-the-safe-side approach or should we accept reality and call it reckless. The doctor answered satisfactorily but there was a nagging in my head that pestered for more questions to be asked. But I withdrew, thanked him and walked away.

I cleared my throat because it suddenly got tight like it had that night. Irritated and I needed water now. Stupid, the fire was a month ago. Be rational now, there is no residual effect. It's psychological, stop being a sissy. Say your thanks to God you lucky bitch, you didn't die of laryngeal edema.

I suppose Anas was right when he said all females are hysterical.

Trust without depending

For example, I need help so as usual will contact the person who I trust has the ability to help and most likely to say yes. We decide to do so-and-so at a certain time and place.

But for some reason he didn't show up. I'll wait for the benefit of doubt and then proceed to do it by myself. Or if I really can't do it myself, say it's a gender-specific or person-specific task, I'll find someone else or reschedule.

No hard feelings, because I trust that person but I don't depend on him. Life goes on. What is most important is things get done. Everything else can go die.

---

Sometimes I feel like that way of life is sad, because I know it comes from previously trusting and depending on people and having them break that trust. You got hurt. Thus you decrease human attachments for the sake of not getting hurt again.

Some people call it strong. I suppose. When you learn from pain, you'll become stronger. In this world, you should only be vulnerable in front of the person who loves you the most. Someone you can trust and depend on.

Good luck. You'll need that.

Self

In an attempt at being selfless, I've been selfish.

I'm not the only one struggling with the aftermath. There's four more of us and we're all separated except three stayed together. Each have their own demon to deal with, and since I've been too cooped up in my own world, I conveniently forgot about them. Huh.

Really, it all started with not wanting to bother them because they have their final exams. I can handle the house. I'm not a kid and they don't have to take care of me. And since I suck at small talk and greetings, I talked business if nothing at all with them.

Today I realized that Kak A still beat herself over the fact it was her room that caught fire when actually there's nothing we could have done about poor old wiring. Kak M had been wandering off alone again and it must have been lonely for her, I should have thought of that when I took a rain check on her invitation to hang out at the zoo or by the Nile. Kak T the doting sister checked up on me earlier on, but being the stubborn kid who refused to be looked after by people around her age, I ran off to avoid answering about my psychological well-being thus forgot to ask about her own psychological well-being. She's a kind person, I wonder how many times has she cried since the fire. Kak H as well.

Selfish, really. A good support group is made up of people who can emphatise with each other. And who better in this case if not the original housemates of the burnt house?

The second day of the fire, I wandered off to where the three seniors were because I just want to hang out with my housemates. We had dinner, I fooled around and then went back alone to Umair's around 8pm. It is, in a way, a sort of normalcy. We always had dinner together. We talk when we're at home.

Now we don't have a house but we still have each other. I just need to walk to Sayyeda to meet them.

---

I can't handle too much kindness, really. With my pride, it's easy to feel patronized. It's more than enough that Umair, Pait and Iema have put a roof over my head and fed me, for the Muntalaqians and Raqaiqs to hold host for my stuffs, I can't really handle being taken care of by everyone and anyone else.

So don't worry about me, I write to organize my thoughts and feelings so that I will still function and not end up on a suicidal watch. Plus I am not good at reciprocating and thus will appear awkward, too macho, expressionless, and take kind people for granted.

And the last is why I generally avoid kind people in the first place.

Hannibal

Lately the posts are attempts at self-psychoanalysis.

The third day, I was over the phone with my uncle. I called him because he's a firefighter captain once serving under SMART and he's one of the closest relatives. He asked me if I was okay. I told him I'll be okay but more importantly I needed to know if it was safe to use the cooking gas tank that survived the fire. He said the tank was built to survive and it'll be round as a ball before exploding, so mine was most likely safe.

He asked how the fire started but I could only give him my hypothesis. He taught me how them fire investigators localize the fire origin but every time I go back I couldn't breathe so I only listened half-heartedly. Something about flare or was it snare? Taking history in Arabic all this while, I know how to pretend to understand.

He asked me if I was traumatised and damn I hate that word, but I told him the truth that I see fire whenever I close my eyes. He said he'll get me a portable smoke detector once I come back home.

He was driving and I was crying, so I wished him a happy stay with the family in Perak and bid him adieu.

---

I've already established two weeks ago that I need to see a psychiatrist. But I've watched enough Hannibal to know how a psychiatrist will respond to me so it's pointless to see one with a mindset as such. The money instead should go to drinking good coffee to oblivion.

What's the definition of okay? I can't really tell my parents what I think because it'd just get them worried. The last thing I need is them to feel helpless or somehow assign someone to look over me; I can't decide which is worst. I'm not five, but I don't feel like keeping up either.

But if you really want to know, in my head is the protocol of what to do in case of a fire. Different fire source, different steps of control. It really is unpleasant but I don't know how to calm down. I can't tell when a normal electrical appliance will spark a fire. The other day, I entered the bathroom while it was still steaming from the hot water and I nearly had a heart attack because I thought it was smoke.

Damn I need that portable smoke detector now.

It makes me edgy. I don't want to stay in one place, I need to get out. When I had Ayyash, if I need a change of place I'd go to Umair's but now that I'm at her place, I'm running out of options. This mostly occurs at night and she wouldn't let me out unless I have a mushrif but like hell I'd waste some people's time just to sit on a bench by the Nile staring at nothing. Plus she scared me when she said I'll wake up without a panties if I sleep outside.

What I need now, is a place to hide. Right now the options are under the cover and here.

The Door

The door was to be pulled from inside and it had no handle either from inside nor outside. Today it was closed somewhere during our session and we couldn't open it to let the patient out.

One of the guys tried to pry it open. No avail. Dr Solaiman slammed on it to attract the staffs outside. The girls borrowed my knife ("Please don't let the doctor see I bring a knife around") and tried to pry it open. No avail.

Minutes had passed. I was getting edgier. Calm down, silly girl, calm down.

Dr Solaiman made a comment about brainless human. He typed in Ammu Abder Rahman's number and called him to open the door for us. The secretary came and tried to open it with a makeshift handle. No avail.

He went to take the door's key and tried it. The door yielded.

Turned out somebody locked the door. With the respected 70-plus-year-old doctor and a whole class of student in. I hung my head. Brainless Egyptian.

The doctor yelled asking which animal locked us in and demanded someone own up. They were shouting in the hallway. Dr Solaiman came back and said one of the cleaners thought the class was empty and thus locked it. "And she'll go to slack off work and come back tomorrow to open it in the morning!"

Thank you doctor for going livid. If you didn't, I would have had a breakdown. I hung my head to hide tears threatening to fall down. Damn brainless Egyptian. If there was a fire, none of us could have gotten out.. Effing brainless.

"Donkeys," Dr Solaiman muttered and addressed us. "Thrombocytopenia will present as..."

Life goes on. I need to get over this.