So the year is ending. My resolutions were actually:
1- Find something to go home to.
So far it is my bed. I'm basically failing.
2- One hike per month.
Oh who am I kidding. I stopped hiking and thus counting.
3- One poster per three months.
That was too ambitious. I'm lazy.
I think that was all. Haha. Should we do this again next year? Make resolutions and not achieving them?
Actually I miss Luqman so much. Really really miss him. He is my brother and I always go to him for all my problems.
And I'm having problems at work and I'll remember he told me to call him for anything but I'm bad at calling people and I don't want to bother him and I'm an all-round brat so I never did. I'm not good at prying and barely know about his circumstances. But he's always around for me whenever I reach out for him.
Anyway. Today I texted him to spread the pride of Vicky conquering Lowe's Peak. He asked me if I went up with Vicky.
I told him no. And that I actually just got back from home because I needed family comfort and Mr. Tar's pick-me-ups.
He asked why I needed pick-me-ups.
So I told him my situations. And bla bla bla.
He said I can always call him if I needed someone to talk to.
I told him I remember that every time but I'm a brat.
And now I'm crying. Urgh such a spoiled brat.
Somehow I went reading through past entries and came across the Tag PTSD. It was when I was going through that fire at my apartment.
Truthfully I forgot how the whole ordeal ended. I remembered I went up some stage somewhere to receive the money collection from the Embassy and I asked for help from the Ambassador while I was onstage.
But I couldn't recall whether that help was asked before or after I gave up after going to the third police station in Cairo to settle the legal issue and achieved nothing. I skipped few classes for that. And I went by myself because I couldn't bring myself to ask someone else to skip classes to help me, only to settle nothing. They'll only be coming along for company, and having company doesn't settle things.
At first I was struggling to get myself back. Afterwards only I realized I had everyone around me with me. Lin organised for the girls to make that huge card for me. I still have it. Oh God. Ah, I'm wiping tears.
Thing is. I cried a bit reading those back. Can't believe I went through those but I did. Maybe that's why I'm so stubbornly independent. Must be.
My past self did a good job penning those words down. I know I wrote some of those with tears down my face. Didn't expect to have a bit of tears down my face reading them almost four years later.
After I restarted life with the Muntalaqians, I think it was around that time that Hariz's place caught fire. And then another girls' place in Mansurah.
Every time I go back to Kelantan, I'll be sure to go back to HRPZ. I know, lifeless much yeah, but I really love the memories I have of this place. This place has taught me a lot on life, on humility for the past gruelling two years of my housemanship.
Most of the time it's an impromptu visit and I don't make arrangements to meet with anyone. I believe in this thing called "jodoh" haha. I used to meet up with Luqman every single time I stop by even without making arrangements to meet him. We just cross path and I'll accomodate myself to his plans. I miss this old brother. I hope he's well in UM.
Anyway, God will always put in my path the people I'm thankful for.
1) First person I meet was Mr. Zuraimi hahahahahahaha what a joke. I felt so bad because I see him at the hospital more than I ever tegur him at home. He lives two houses away and thank God he was his jolly self and still recognise me.
2) Kak Salehah, my Paed Surgery MO. I had something for her hehe. The housemen said she left to go back already but when I pass in front of the pantry, I saw a laptop bag with casenotes in one bag. Only MOs do that. I swung inside and there she was eating her late lunch.
3) MR. TARMIZI yazzzz last time I only got to say hi boss sihat? and give him his Raya package because he had other meetings, but it was past office hour and he invited me into his office! So happy, regardless the first question he asked was when am I applying for Masters. Followed by what surgery can I do now and when am I retaking MRCS. Ahh.
It's always stressful to meet him because it's like a status update of where am I at becoming a surgeon. I can't tell him I'm indecisive and want to play around more. But I'm grateful he's taking the role of a mentor, so I need to show my gratitude by being a good mentee.
4) Abe Nik my Anaes MO whom I'm friends with on Facebook. It says a lot when you add a colleague or superior on Favebook, for me it means I like them as friends and respect them enough to want to be in the know (I have three Anaes MOs and two Anaes consultants on my friendlist, and only one Paed Surgery MO how about that?).
I saw him but he was on the phone so I'm like should I say hi or not say hi. I then took my phone out and kept walking. He called me out hahaha. Thanks Abe Nik, you and your dramas, but I still learned a lot and had so much fun in Anaes and will always be grateful for them.
5) Saufi my Cairo senior who is now Paed MO. He was going to ACC OT for a standby so I walked with him. It was a funny talk really. Saufi was saying how he sees me so happy in Sabah going here and there. His single lady colleagues are taking leaves and going overseas for travel while he's here saving for a wedding, for his future kids, to buy a house and to retire.
... Okay Saufi. I'll do that too.
I'm a bit obsessed with Captain America. Reason being because he has someone he would sacrifice and fight the whole world for, which is Bucky. I want a Bucky too.
So I've had
1- two Captain America shirts
2- an infant Captain America onesie I wear on my bear
3- a Captain America wall sticker
4- a Captain America phone cover
5- a Captain America cable organiser
6- two Captain America cable covers
7- ten Captain America's shield iron-on patch
8- Captain America stamp!
9- Captain America pens
10- Captain America passport cover
It's not much, really. So I ordered some more.
11- two Captain America carpet
12- Captain America USB drive
13- Captain America socks
My parents laughed. Dad said I'm embarrassing him hahahahaha that's the first time I'm hearing this.
My ward is cold, OT is colder, ED is coldest. My sweater was in the car but I was running between ward and OT and ED with no breaks in between so I had to suck it up. I ended up worsening my runny nose and my eye went running as well. The problem wa I had no non-sleepy medication on had. There was no Clarinase in stock in our hospital. I cannot risk taking a Piriton and not woken up for whatever. I was oncall.
I was able to sleep at 3. Woke up at 4 for a referral that after assessing the child was a TRO acute appendix in district and was stable, I went and forgot what it was about. Woke up at 5 groggy as hell with partial airway obstruction, made coffee and showered. If anything else, I need to clean up.
AM round and my nose was ahead of me. Started clinic and my eye got worse. Had to apologize to all my patients for having such a germ-infested doctor seeing them today.
Break. I met Boss and discussed this and that. Then I asked him what he had planned in the evening. Any teaching, meeting etc. He had a meeting so I asked him if it was okay if I sit out from round and crash down a bit. My nose and eye were on a marathon.
He grinned "Teruk sangat ke oncall semalam?"
Yeah it was horrible. You almost made us laparotomy a child at 11pm Boss. I almost cried when you decided that but I would have done it anyway, work is work. Sleep deprived is something we face everyday, nothing new.
But I can't handle running organs Boss haha. I just needed to take some meds and I'll be good. At the expense of sitting out on PM round.
Boss said it was okay. He asked about our sleeping arrangements in the MO room and volunteered out his office for us to sleep in.
But I felt bad. I felt, weak? I can't complain to an almost pensioner, it's not fair. He had worse during his time and there I was asking to step out.
I went back to ward. Rummaged through our in stock medicine cabinet. Took what I needed and sat on the couch in the MO room. I fell asleep few minutes later.
Here in Likas we have guards guarding every ward entrance. I'm quite familiar with the guards who are stationed at my ward and some periphery wards we're used to commuting to.
You should know that the guards in Neonatal wards are familiar with postnatal moms coming in and going. And whenever I go there at night for my oncall rounds, sometimes they'll stare at me a few seconds before allowing me in. I heard they couldn't decide whether I'm a postnatal mom because I was selekeh or I'm a lost teenage kid.
This happened during my last call. There's this guard who is about my height, male, he has this smile that is friendly and very welcoming. That night he opened the door for me and asked me
"Kau umur berapa? Nampak macam belasan tahun."
I stopped to answer him. "Aku 28. Kau?"
"Aku 24."
"Kau juga macam belasan tahun."
We're now on an eyebrow-raised acknowledging level.
I'm oncall tomorrow on Deepavali. I'll be alone MO oncall gor Paed Surgery besides my oncall surgeon.
Today at PM round that extended until 5.30pm, we decided for two laparotomies coming morning. And one trauma case transferring from Lahad Datu.
Did I say I'm the only MO oncall alone tomorrow?
I'm gonna go get sushi tonight...
Haru & Associates