time spent versus time left

My parents said I can do it.
My surgeon said I can do it.
So why am I not doing it?

I am unmotivated. I realize I do not have a set of goals. How do you even start?

Talking to dad or Luqman will conclude the same thing. That I’m an adult who should decide my future myself. Luqman just few days ago gave me that vague advice, summarized as “follow your hunch” and I don’t feel like answering his call that followed after.

My hunch was to turn to MIASA. Is there someone I can call? I clicked on one video about steps to get help. The president said to get a mental health assessment done, that a severe assessment warrant a referral to a psychiatrist, that the only one valid to diagnose you is a clinical psychologist, and that not getting help will actually makes things worse.

I did get a mental health screening done but I didn’t follow up with a referral. I just lived poorly. I should have gotten help instead of living the past two years so fleetingly.

But a few years wasted is nothing compared to few more years to live.
Provided you want to have few more years and you want to live them, that is.

There’s that little voice again.
But it’s a little voice, there’s still the bigger voice.
Let’s get that help now.

So I Googled things. But they’re all superficial and vague. Then I asked Kak Ellina if she has ten year goals and she asked me how do I see myself in ten years.

I was thinking how to reply. Should I admit that I’m living day by day, barely a plan, don’t even see myself in two months what more ten years?

She then shared me hers. It was good goals.

DASS test taken

19 March 2019 - severe stage of depression, severe level of anxiety, very severe stress level.

7 June 2021 - very severe stage of depression, very severe level of anxiety, severe stress level.

I think there was one we took in between with results better than the first one. 

Added on the Copenhagen Burnout Inventory 

7 June 2021 - severe level of personal burnout, severe level of work burnout, normal level of client burnout.

For easy reference, next time let's just follow up with the questionnaire from Sg. Buloh, take the healthcare one.

What now?

to the idiot that i love

Dear Atiqah,

You're an idiot with a high sense of responsibility. That translates to you repeatedly doing stupid things but doing so safely.

I can't do anything about your need to go into forests and jungles (nor do I even understand, I think a therapist is in need) even when you're alone, but going for night walks alone at 10pm?

It's a jungle and it's too dark and you're alone. What makes you think it was a good idea, I don't know. It is not. Please don't ever walk off alone in the jungle at night. This is a jungle. You'll get taken by the unseen and mom will die from heartbreak. Don't do that to her. 

We didn't survive all these years of solo night walk in the city and abroad without that small alarm of danger. It took us what, 2 minutes walking in the dead of night to turn back? Shouldn't have even left the room, you know. 

I'll stop nagging now. 

It's okay to miss a starry night in Sandakan on camera. We missed the best starry night in Tabin but we'll always have it pictured in our brain. Also we'll go to Tabin again.

Let's wake up early for morning walk cm, yeah?

that time Renji refused to wake up

Sebab dah lama tak pergi (balik) KB. Hajat mahu kejar meteor shower and we stayed out until 2am but the clouds were abundant. Went back to sleep and woke up for sunrise. Meteor shower was active in sight at 4am haha takde harapan la.

I ajak Arif and almost force him to come with me because I wanted him in my sight but it was painfully obvious he was reluctant. Instead of driving, I went to the airport and beli tiket on the spot. (Arif later told me I should have told him I wasn't allowed to go alone and he would have drove, but I said "tapi kau tak nak pergi...")

Met up with Mizah from there. Spent one night in KK and another in KB before flight back to LD.

Balik tadi tak boleh on kereta so I texted Arif for help. He abandoned his game for me and didn't call me a noob. I think he's softened up a bit. After he jumpstarted my car, I pusing the whole town Lahad Datu for a battery store but none were open past 5pm Sunday.

Then I realized life sucks as a single mother, I need a partner to help me take care of my baby.

... But it's okay, let's be brave. The car has only me.

Confession time

Writing has always been my outlet, my sense of therapy. What do I get from this? A bit clearer headed I guess. Maybe I want someone to read this and physically drag me to the help I needed. Atiqah has always been a fucking sad softie and I need to figure this out because we can't be seen weak. Why? I'm egoistic that's why.

But the wall is slowly breaking and sad softie is surfacing and I don't know what's going to happen if it does. Probably literally break down in some hallway.

Before this, all I want is to be happy and live proud of myself. It's getting too hard for that, nothing really makes me happy and I'm not at all proud of myself.  The bouts of joy that I felt for the past God knows months were misguided.

So I'm revising. Now all I want is to behave and go to Heaven. Whatever resolve I have now is just to keep myself in line, so that I wouldn't do anything that will disgrace my family or further nil my chance of getting into Heaven. Sinful things because God it's so tempting. I want so bad to hurt myself in so many ways, I want the physical pain to override this emotional pain that softie is feeling. But I can't and won't do that.

Can I even go further south than this? Don't think about it, it's a dangerous territory.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on. How much longer do I wait until I throw the towel and say the word. I need to handle this professionally that's why I'm bidding my time, I can't just walk away. Atiqah walks away but I can't, I won't. For whatever it's worth, we cannot be seen as irresponsible. I always clean up the mess I made.

I'll have to tell Boss I'm going. Where? Who fucking knows. We just need to go. We'll figure out as we go.

But not today or tomorrow, not even the day after. Like Sober sang, I've a lot to do but I don't want to do anything. Fact remains I still have to do them. I'm keeping myself in line, see? Atiqah can break down on Postcall Thursday and take EL on Nothing Friday if need be, just don't mess up Study Monday, Exam Tuesday or Oncall Wednesday and be sober for Oncall Sunday.

Help me

Today I was so listless I didn't speak to anyone at work and my colleagues didn't come near me let alone start a conversation with me. I didn't even greet Boss when I met him on clinic. Huh was I rude? He probably didn't realize it anyway.

Miss Haz was the only one who seemed ignorant of my stressed out face and she talked to me like any other day.

The listless was at the level of suppressing the urge to throw things. I really wanted to throw things and kick stuffs but I can't. I can't. I guess I need to run but where to? I should talk to someone.

So early in the morning I asked Farano if she has acquittance in Psy as I could use a referral to for now. But she didn't have any.

I called Rokiah in the middle of rounds and I called and called and called until she sent a default message "Can't talk right now, call me back later?"

I replied "Kedah kerja Jumaat rupanya boo tak islamik" to which she replied "ngek oncall mek".

By noon I was still listless with no definite cause so I texted Luqman for help.

Are you oncall this weekend?
Tomorrow
Okay
U?
No oncall this weekend
Up to anything?
Need to run away but haven't decided on a destination yet
Run from ur adversity?
Yeah
Deal with it

When that reply came I grinned and gripped my phone because the urge to throw things was back in full force. I don't want to deal with it I don't even know what to deal with!

So I called him to shout or whatever to let him hear the frustration while walking with rounds. But the call ended. Not sure whether I accidentally ended it or he did. Whatever. I was still grinning/snarling. I bet if the call went through he'd probably just "heh are you done?" at me. Would have infuriated me more but likely to comfort me as well.

The good thing about messaging is I can try to hide what a bastard I am. So I texted him back.

I feel like hitting you
If that relieves u
You're so kind, maybe I'll try that
I can take that

I know it's dangerous to be alone in this state of mind. I'll probably end up curled in bed for two days and that'd be bad for my sanity. Or I'll go to some river alone and be weird and that'd probably be bad for my sanity as well.

Should I go to Limbang and meet Fadzlin? Urgh what if she's oncall? How should we go to Limbang, drive? I've never driven there before and Ban will be bising again. What if Pofin isn't even around that'd be useless.

So I looked up flights online and bought flight tickets to KL. Almost RM500 but whatever, my sanity needs help. I'll stay with Chikna this weekend. Maybe I'll go see Luqman on Sunday, take him up on his offer and hit him or something. Tell him I'm sorry for being a burden and I should try harder so as not to become a burden but I don't know how.

Kak Solehah my housemate saw me walking out from my room and asked me if I'm going out.

"Saya balik KL weekend ni."
"Oh. Ada apa?"
"Family.. stay dengan makcik."
She looked concerned. "Okay ke?"

I paused. It's not my makcik who's not okay, I'm not okay. Should I tell her or should I get going?

I said "Okay" and she asked me how I'm getting to airport.

I called Chikna later and she asked me why did I decide to suddenly come over.

"Ika stress."
"Bagus! Datang laa."

Chiknaaaaaaaaaaa why are you saying bagus that I'm stressed out!!!!! Yeah yeah cause I very rarely come over that's why it's bagus.

And then I called dad. He asked why didn't I come home instead so I say there's no direct flight from KB on Sunday. Heck there's no way I'm doing layovers.

Things I Want To Say

I know I usually get bad allergies whenever I go into the woods but that never stops me. And now I have a swollen left dorsum of the hand, not improving on LA hydrocortisone 1% and I took Piriton on dad's advice.

It bothers me because it's a dull ache. I want to complain about it but complaining doesn't help. Who's listening anyway? I should get an IV shot tomorrow morning if it doesn't settle, but it'd be about 48 hours then.

My throat sores. And I started sneezing this AM. Is it because I played in the river yesterday? Is it because it had been hot nowadays and only rained today? Why is my body so weak? Is it because I'm depressed?

Stressed, yes. But am I depressed? What does depression means?

Distract myself? I've a lot to do but I'm not doing any of them. I just don't feel like doing anything, not even work. And I'm the kind who do things because I feel like doing it. Right now.. I'd rather just sleep.

I dyed my hair, got a henna that looks more like a tattoo. Am I crying for attention? But I detest attention. I told Savin I'm not okay but I get annoyed when Savin messaged me asking if he should call me. Am I acting up? What kind of rebel is at the age of 29?

My hand hurts. I want to douse it in ice but I don't have ice.
We have that warm/cold compress thing.
If you put it in the fridge now it'd be ready cm.
I don't have that kind of patience.

I should go for a run.
But not now.

I don't even know what's exactly wrong.
Talking might help?
With whom?
I don't feel like talking anyway.
Luqman will say he hopes you figure this out.
You do that.

My alarm song is BOBBY's Runaway. Probably not a good idea considering the current down mood

Went to Filipino Market to get my jeans tailored. The guy said 30 minutes so I went sight seeing.

Bought a wallet for RM28 that I didn't even haggle for (Ara said I needed a smaller one).

Looked around for some pearl earrings because I felt like trying a dangling earrings for once. None suited my taste.

And I arrived back at the guy. He wasn't done yet, so I perused the night market one more time.

Chatted up with an aunt who said she makes the earrings herself. She had them in pearls and crystals, and the crystals caught my eyes because one is an emerald like the current one I'm wearing commemorating Ryota Miyagi. So I asked her if I can get one half in white crystal and the other half in emerald crystal.

She said okay. "Ada sebab tertentu kah?"

I grinned at her. I didn't want to tell her only my left ear is pierced.

"Anak-anak muda sekarang..." She mumbled and I grinned harder. Paid her RM25.

Next up was one of those 3 for RM10 bracelet. They were yarn bracelets and kinda pretty. So I bought a set of RM10.

That's enough strolling for tonight. I went back to pick up my jeans and passed this stall that had pretty bandanas hanging.

If it's RM5 I'll buy it, I said. I then asked the aunt how much it costs. She said RM5. Hahaha.

Writing is a loner's way to reach out

I actually have been writing for a long time and at multiple sites. When I'm in a slump, like currently, I'll go reading. My past self sometimes surprise me how I fluctuate but remain unchanged.

I was reading my Wordpress. Don't bother looking it up, I'm the only one who has access to it. It's mostly my deepest darkest thoughts. I haven't update it in 5 years now and it was unnerving to look back at what I wrote. Years back I wrote my profile as "an easily bored person". And yeah I truly am. I won't call myself that now, although I am, but my past self was good at cutting short my bs.

I pride myself in writing my feelings vividly and in details. I've lost touch with those skills.

--

I'm postcall. Tired. Almost felt like I'm oncall again today what with left alone with the ward job after reviewing patients in clinic, and leading PM round. That's usually the oncall people's duty, but we never have a written rule as such.

But this job.. what's important is things get done. Doesn't matter by who or how or what you feel about it, as long as it's done.

Anyway. I was spent. Close to 6pm leaving the ward and I'm supposed to pass up the roaster I made two weeks back. My colleagues had the roaster opened on the computer and having a look at it.

But the thing is, two of my colleagues added request yesterday when I was oncall and I'm torn between my nice by default and wanting to accommodate everyone attitude versus my cmon I told you guys two weeks ago no more requests.

So I threw it to the wind. Screw this, I have work anyway tomorrow. "I need to sleep first."

I went to my car. Plopped down, hit the on button, turned the aircond on, put Fxxk It playing on the speaker. Because I really felt like fxxk it. Stayed there close to an hour because I was tired and unmotivated.

But I was hungry. I only had kuih for brunch and that was all. Poor self care.

I'll buy you food. Just name it. Don't even think about money.
Really.
Cmon. We have to cheer up.
Anything?
The only limiting factor is sobriety to drive there.
Okay then..

So I really didn't think. I ordered all the comfort food I could think of. Warm rice, omelette, sotong celup tepung, and a stir fry vegetables dish. The last one being a reluctant addition to promote better health. Also ordered a piece of grilled lamb chop.

Belatedly I thought who was going to eat all this. Although one personality coolly pays for it, we share one gut system.

Crazy is back

Yooo what's up it's Haru and time for some Facts About Mehh

I get carsick.

I don't like to use much effort for eating.

But most importantly I've short attention span.

I have a fixed background infatuation and some intermittent short lived infatuation. Like a patient controlled analgesia using morphine with a background morphine infusion. I can only have one shot of PCA morphine with a five minutes lock or something.

My fixed infatuations are Mitsui and Jackman.

My intermittent 5 minutes infatuations are numerous I always feel embarrassed to admit this. No wonder Pofin called me a play girl. It's not that I'm playing, it's that I'm not really ever damn-I-wanna-live-with-you-for-the-rest-of-my-life serious. So I'm bouncing from one to another. Maybe show some effort for a change but mostly just slacking off.

Should we list it down?

Maybe not. We'll regret this in the morning. Don't write what you don't want to be permanent.

I want a Bucky!

I'm a bit obsessed with Captain America. Reason being because he has someone he would sacrifice and fight the whole world for, which is Bucky. I want a Bucky too.

So I've had
1- two Captain America shirts
2- an infant Captain America onesie I wear on my bear
3- a Captain America wall sticker
4- a Captain America phone cover
5- a Captain America cable organiser
6- two Captain America cable covers
7- ten Captain America's shield iron-on patch
8- Captain America stamp!
9- Captain America pens
10- Captain America passport cover

It's not much, really. So I ordered some more.
11- two Captain America carpet
12- Captain America USB drive
13- Captain America socks

My parents laughed. Dad said I'm embarrassing him hahahahaha that's the first time I'm hearing this.

Take a step back and make a list. And then kita susun mana satu nak buat dulu. Which is food. Let's get food first.

(1) I realized no one discussed next week's OT with Boss in clinic yesterday because I was oncall yesterday and was stuck in OT since morning. Takde orang discuss, maka takdenya orang call patient for operation la kan?

If I didn't discuss, no one does. Why? Should I have asked someone to? But we're a team and it's our team's OT, isn't it?

Or am I shallow and naive? Yup, I am. I should have asked someone to do it.

(2) Today is 30th already but I haven't finalized next month's roster. I drafted MOs side two weeks ago but as I presented to my colleagues it, one by one my colleagues came to me with their requests that they didn't put up on the board. And I obligingly edit again, one by one. I am nice to everyone except to myself.

After the fifth editing, and I was asking Vicky again what date was that he was busy, he answered vaguely and said "You don't need to think so hard."

I snapped. I told him I need to think hard if I want to accommodate everyone, which was my aim.

I should have put a lesser aim and just dish "Request lambat, aku tak layan. Kau buat jadual sendiri." or I try harder. I chose the latter, which makes me feel like crying.

(3) Visiting Ranau tak setel lagi. Astaghfirullah. Miss was just reminding me and oh God, I need to get it done before she gets back.

(4) Belum liase dengan MO Labuan lagi. Astaghfirullah. I need to sit down at clinic. This was a favour from Miss. And of course I know why she asks me to do this.

(5) Audit Tahunan Surgery tak payah cakap la, tahun lepas punya pun tak buat lagi. Memalukan Boss.

(6) Belum kira Audit SSI Appendix dan Performa ARM yang baru nak finalise.

(7) I'm sleep deprived, malam tadi semua orang pun call. NICU call, patient kami worsening (baby passed away later today PM.) Kota Marudu call refer dog bite. PSICU call, CBD dislodged and the Anaes MO asked the nurse to ask me about it oh come on, really Jeck?

(8) I can't do my work at home because my laptop's Microsoft isn't working and I'm staying back at work to do this stuffs, which makes me irritable.

(9) I need food.

(10) My surgeons are telling me to study. I know I need to study. I'm just a service MO with no family commitments and already this overwhelmed. How do I do this more efficiently? I am not matured enough to juggle all this but I need to be. How to be? Please help.

Oh God. Who am I even talking to?

Maybe it's time to get a shrink

It's possible that people are just so lonely and crave human attention but fear being seen desperate and being rejected that their feasible option is to talk to themselves. And envy Eddie Brock for having Venom around him every single time.

Like me, here, back conversing with Haru. Not what a matured adult will do. I want a partner of equal wit who will take the trouble of doing a lot of work on me and vice versa, but I'm too coward. Guess that's what I am these days.

On another note, Boss told Mr. Ashok what I vented to him yesterday, so this afternoon I had to deal with Mr. Ashok's funny little smiles and teasings saturated with 'I want to make this kid feel a bit better'.

It's all good. Funny, really, I'm uplifted. It shows that he really is a nice guy for feeling that he has to cheer his MO up. And I felt sorry that I've hit a low slump that someone else felt the need to cheer me up. A bit comforting too, I guess. At some point you get tired of always having to cheer yourself up.

I was remembering Clannad a lot these days, you know that anime I adored growing up? Nagisa used to not feel so inspired to go to school, so she would be dragging herself to school and when she get to the gate she'll say out loud what she wanted to eat by the end of the day. Something for her to look forward to. Like "red bean paste bread", simple stuffs.

That's what I've been doing. It's always just the first thing on my mind. Whatever food. All day I'll be like "I can deal with this, I'm getting sotong after work." And I'll drive myself there and buy them for me. It's saying something that I'm getting through each day by looking forward to accomplishing tiny goals like what food to eat. What happened to the bigger stuffs? Haha...

Today I felt like Big Apple's doughnuts. By default I don't fancy doughnuts with all the superfluous toppings. I usually just eat Krispy Kreme's original glazed that's only available in few places in KL and I have them like twice a year top. So today's Food Goal was a little too out of character for me. But since it was the first that I thought of since yesterday and me and I had a deal, Food Goal is Food Goal, I have to get some Big Apple's doughnuts today. Eating them is second.

I thought of dragging Vicky with me because that guy actually has girly sweet tooth and he can then eat the doughnuts. But that will entail me having to answer his questions of what's wrong with me and I don't need people asking me difficult questions I can't even answer myself.

I bought two pieces. They're still sitting on the drawer.

Even KakElli is saying I'm writing more depressive stuffs

Monday was a clinic day. I finished my patient, need a bathroom break so I went to stand in front of the WC because it was occupied. Mr. Ashok saw me and we talked about work.

Then he said "eh come here la, sit sit, I need to ask you something."

I sat. It sounded serious. What is it?

"What's troubling you? Do you have any personal problems? You seem very different this past days. You're not your usual self. You're not how you were when you first came here."

Oh shoot I screwed up so bad my surgeons are calling me out on this. Now what?

"Ah.. I'm not exactly sure what's the problem."

He told me:

If the problem I'm having is a person I hate, just treat it like a toilet. You BO, you flush it down. You forget about it.

Focus on what I want. You want to become a Paed Surgeon. You focus on your studying, your journals, your work. Forget about anything else.

He's like a big brother to us, so come see him if I need any help.

I'm seriously grateful for the talk. I am.

But I still believe the first step in settling this is to identify the culprit. What is bothering me? Is it my position? Is it something else? Can we credit all this mess to my position?

I think I'm messed up since September. Yeah September was when I started to become the most senior service MO here so it's likely. So it is?

If it is, I guess we're taking the "I'm not okay, so we're just going to accept that. It is what it is." approach because I can't get rid of this position. Yet.

I'm Googling up psychosocial support. So far not fruitful.

Where is the will

Lately I don't have motivation to come to work. When I wake up I will look at the clock and roll around finding excuses not to get out of bed until it's 7.30 am.

"I have a terrible stomach ache."
"My head hurts very bad."
"My car broke down."

But I will be afraid what I lie comes true and I love my car too much for that. Then I go to work wording my sentence. Repeatedly in my head "Sorry I'm late. I didn't want to come."

And I punch in still on time.

Maybe I need Psychiatry referral

Finally end of the week. Walked through the hospital parking lot and called dad, told him tomorrow I'm free, course the next day, free, oncall, then working day per usual.

So I'm planning to go to Kota Belud. Now. I want to catch some stars.

Dad asked where Kota Belud is.

About 65km from here.

An hour plus drive. How's the road.

Proper tarred road. Hilly at one part. No lampu jalan.

Alone?

Yeah. As usual.

He gave some points. Dad is never really the one to outright say no to me, to any of us. He never 100% disapprove anyway, but I know going here and there is his way of disapproving...

Never mind dad. I don't think I'll go.

But I think he understood my need to just.. go somewhere to cool off. Like really. I don't know, I just.. need to.. I don't know.

He said it's because I'm alone and I don't have family around in Sabah. I don't disagree, I think he might be right. I'm not this buas at home, I'm really a couch potato at home.

"Solat, doa banyak-banyak."

Yeah like what else am I supposed to do. The sea is right close by but I want the river.. I really want to, just drown somewhere..

Anyway. The friends are coming down to KK tomorrow. Problem with them is they like malls. I'm done with malls and I really need to go to some sungai. I miss not having people around me. I don't want people around me.

And I'm the Clubhouse Gatekeeper so they will need me to pass them the keys at least. They said to meet there at 9. Can I, like, drive to Kota Belud tomorrow after Subuh? I think I will. But who should I leave the key to?

Should I endure this? Meet them at 9, then chao to Penampang, go to Sungai Kibunut? They can join me if they want, or don't, even better.

I'll go meet them later. I have course on Sunday anyway, I'm gonna meet people anyway. Should I check in that Hutan Lipur Kawang at Papar? Spend Monday morning awake in the middle of the hutan before going back to civilization and do calls Tuesday.

Yeah that sounds like a plan.

The Spy Who Dumped Me

I called my parents to rant out today.

Haha nak mencurahkan perasaan?
Ye la habis nak call sape

He stopped laughing. Maybe I came across in a wrong way, I didn't mean it in a pathetic kind of way. I'm a strong self sufficient person and lately I've only been calling when I'm serabut of some sort. As we talked they asked me what I was doing. I told them I'm catching a movie.

Dengan siapa
Sorang
Takde kawan ke
Ika memang selalu pergi mana2 sorang pun

Still in a matter-of-fact way. I'm not one for self-sympathy. So I ended up ranting about Miss then I realized it's such a petty problem. Mom then her usual

Dah ada gewe belum
Belum. Mama jumpa dah ke

I feel sorry for making them worry about me. But I don't know. I mean she's right, she knows me well because of the question she asked. She knows I'd rather be dating than commit to something serious. Can I just have fun? Screw around? That's probably a bad idea.

Frown with a "don't bother me" face

I have little tolerance to people who are in my way. I have yet to discern when was I ever nice during dealing with such people, regardless who they are.

Need to work on this.

Are we doing this or not? Because I have things to do.

Is posting a cry for attention? It feels like it. Why would I crave human attention? Is God not enough? Am I not self sufficient?

I think a timeout into the woods is in need.

When it rains, it pours

As expected, I had dengue. Not just NS1 positive with warning signs, I came to the hospital late with compensated shock. Stayed a good five days in the ward, clocked an RM9,000 bill and discharged with hepatitis. And it's worsening.

I was given MC until next Thursday but I'm a houseman, I've used up all my leaves for this posting unless I go to work tomorrow. Not a problem.. except I'm not 100% confident enough. I'm pretty sure I'll pass out at work.

Now what?

---

I don't get much visitors so those who came deserve hall of fame. Mizah Muhammad came on my second day of admission when I was having high grade fever. She came through the door so chirpy with a basket of apples and flower and I would throw my phone at her for being noisy had I not felt so lonely.

Pofin and Akram came and God, I love this Pofin guy. He was so annoying I would throw him out of the window had I have the energy. He stared at my untouched lunch hungrily so I offered him and dude ate my linguini in creamy sauce with the gusto of a famished mountain man. Then he made himself at home, cleaned after himself, studied from my book and then the both of them took me down to Gloria Jean's. Mom gave the go because I needed the change and both said they'll have my back should I fall. (I didn't fall, I cleverly leaned on the wall most of the time).

Kak Rehan brought Ezma with her and we gossiped about Paed staff.

Teacher Midah came telling me about some news regarding my primary school acquaintances.

Kie came during my defervescence phase, just as I was feeling better and we dissed each other a lot like good old times. Yuni then came with Amalina one of our primary school senior.

I was sleeping from Piriton when Fadzlin and Gmah came. I greeted them sleepily and Gmah was postcall so I invited her onto bed with me and we slept together while Fadzlin went for prayers. Haha. The next thing I know Cikgu Na came for a visit, the girls excused themselves and I was hell groggy. After that Kak Rahimah came.

---

I told Paed Chief HO, my wardmates and the Sinetron. And on my third day of admission I posted on FB of my relationship with the overly attached bastard that is the IVD out of boredom and some other people knew from there... and my mom FB posts.

Vicky knew about my condition and followed me up from the moment I left for the airport until I was warded. He's what a brother is made of. I didn't tell the Surgical Team about this. If I tell them, I'd expect them to come visit and if they didn't, I'll get sad. So I didn't.

On Friday night, Luqman messaged me asking if I was still warded. I said yes. He asked KPJ? I said yes. And that's it. I remember thinking his ears are quite late this time around, hurry up come visit me, of course I wanted the team to visit me because I am attached to the team and I am manja like that but nevermind, I shouldn't bother the team like that.

Then the next morning Dr. Norita said I can go home and rest and mom was excited (she's more tired than I am, taking care of me. She expressed the concern for me to get married so to be less of a burden). So I messaged Luqman telling him I'm discharging after Jumaat prayer. He asked if I'm okay. I said I will be.

Truth is. I'm lethargic as hell. I can't walk around without needing to lie down soon after. I eat a few mouthful and felt short of breath. Haha. This is really tiring.

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I've long know I am reckless and bad at taking care of myself. See coming with compensated shock. I'm lucky I wasn't any later than I already was or I could have gone into refractory shock and die. I'm lucky I got away with hepatitis and just that.

When will I learn.

We're 24 and a bunch of mischievous kids, we won't grow up.

Hi. Am at Umair's place for movie night. Actually it was me finishing three movies while Pait, Syemak and Ume snoozed off earlier. It's nearly 2 and I should sleep (slept a few last night and nearly snoozed off in the exam haha) but as usual.. Headache come yet no sleep.

When I arrived after praying Isya at my place, I saw the place wasn't set up and those three haven't prayed Isya yet! So I immediately went to the living room and cleared the area, tables cleared and placed by the wall. I went into Iema's room (she had tuition) and unplugged her TV and caried it out to the living room. I also took out Iema's extra mattress and carried Ume's into the living room. The snacks and mineral water I bought were placed in front of the TV and I brought out a cup from the kitchen.

It was all on auto. Syaimaa joked I was like a brat coming in and make everything at home. I was like, "Dude you said we're having movie night. How come the place isn't set up?"

We watched and complained of the simplicity of The Grudge 2, where everyone just died at the end. I was at my "how are they going to explain all the murders to the police" when it was down to the last two characters. I was thinking how nobody will believe the boy and live haunted the rest of his life, but it turned out the two of them died, too.

"Now they won't need to explain to the police. Brilliant."

It was boring and I needed something thoughtful to comment on. Syemak and I stayed for Dear John (because Tatum is the only abang hensem on the list of movies I haven't watched. He's not exactly my kind of guy, I'm more into Hisashi-kun or Hugh Jackman or Hugh Dancy. I was tempted to do another Butler with Olympus Has Fallen or that smartass cute guy in Now You See Me.) and we were satisfied by the maturity of the love story. It was something I can agree upon. Excellent Josei material.

I was then on a roll for abang hensem. Umair in her semi sleeping state told me to run 127 Hours because there was an abang hensem there. So I did. And it was a scruffy guy.

"That's not exactly abang hensem," I complained. If he looked a little bit more like Dancy as Will Graham, I might have agreed with her taste.

"I just wanted to shut you up. Abang hensem, abang hensem. I'm going to make a status out of this."

I don't always ogle hot guys. Technically doing so is a disgrace to my iman and taqwa. Remember how one of the reasons to get married is to "menjaga kehormatan iman dan taqwa" or something along that line? I should get married soon for that sake, but heh. This is getting too long of a discussion.

So I predicted "Tomorrow all Batnah in my head will be gone."

As Umair expected, it was my kind of movie. I watched the movie alone as the girls weren't interested to know how to survive in a canyon for a week with a hand stuck under a boulder. And the movie was, as Umair said, "inspirational." I revised a little bit of Ortho with that movie, how we save life first before saving a limb.

Ralston was a hero. A self hero. At the end of the day, he saved himself. The thoughts of his loved ones were what kept him going and what kept him sane. It's okay to run off on your own as long as you have something that keeps you going.

And so the most important thing I learned is that, find the right balance between selfishness and independence.

Others include:
(1) don't buy cheap knockoffs.
(2) thank Epul for buying excellent Swiss knife for me.
(3) leave a note somewhere on where you're going.
(4) always return mom's call.
(5) people die. Enjoy life while you're at it.

The flaw in the movie was probably just it's effect. I'm a doctor-to-be so I kind of know how a person would look like severely dehydrated and everything.

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We finished our Batnah papers today. It was tough because I didn't study the Clinical Patho part well and felt mocked throughout the 20 minutes to answer that 20-questions part of the 105-questions exam. What is important is that I hope Allah will accept our deed and our answers. Be it right or wrong, I hope they were accepted.

I hope none of us has to sit for that exam again ever. I hope we all graduate, especially to the abangs and kakaks older than us. They've taken care of us juniors in Egypt for so long, it's time they come home with a degree. Please Allah, grant this. Allahumma ameen.