His first sentence to me will be my tangkal to succeed this 2 years

Tetiba tengah round, MO sebelah berpaling kepala dan tanya "Mana spek?"

"Ada kat bawah." Tinggal dekat rumah sebenarnya. Entah kenapa tertipu, compulsive liar betul.

"Nampak tak?"

"Nampaaaak." I grinned.

---

Reviewing cases with MOs. HO sebelum ni tulis dalam BHT "Seen by Dr. X dan Dr. Y" so I hurriedly wrote the same heading diikuti dengan details patient.

Tetiba Nash di sebelah kata "tulislah nama saya etek, kecik hati saya."

Cute. I snorted at my thought and wrote his real name. I didn't mean to offend him, I'm a tagger, first posting pulak tu, you do what other people do unless you know what is the right thing to do. I remember he has been a good mentor to me PERU*ATAN bureaucracy wise but I didn't remember he was this cute before.

"Sini takde orang panggil Nash ye?" I continued with the BHT.

"Sini panggil Nasrullah.. Kadang-kadang Nas, Nasrul."

"Oh bukan Nasri?" I jested.

He said I can call him whatever I want.

"Panggil Nash je la," I said. Or Nasri. But it might be confusing. And then I realised he deserved more credit to his name. I only call him Nash upfront or when I refer him to our university batchmates. When I refer to him in front of everyone else especially the superiors, I call him by his proper name and title.

Nasri kata saya lukis abdomen "tak comel". Dia pun tolong lukiskan. Haha.. Okey lepas ni saya lukis secomel itu. And masa Akram present berterabur kitorang berdua berdiri macam dua orang yang sikit lagi nak pecah perut lucu slash takpuashati apehal mamat ni memalukan Egypt. Hahaha.

Asobiyah BPP!

Updated Friday 18th September

Hari Selasa was officially my second day on duty tapi semalamnya cuma kerja 6.45pm sampai 11pm je. Pagi itu tak sempat greet Nash properly pun selain daripada "Hai Nash" masa first lalu sebelah dia during Mortality Audit. Nash then had a pleasantly surprised reaction.

Hari Selasa adalah Grand Round Green dan masa tu separa serabut separa fokus cuba nak catch up dengan sistem Malaysia. Berjalan keluar dari wad menuju wad yang lain, tiba-tiba Nash di depan berkata "Atiqah senyum sikit."

I automatically lit up. "Okay!"

And truthfully, I survived the next two weeks of awkward adaptation process by holding on to those words. Rasa serabut walau sedikit pun, saya terus sengih. Smiling (or grinning) has an immediate calming effect.

So Nash, if you ever come across this, know that I really appreciate what you said. And with this, I promise to be a good helpful friend to anyone who might need one.

And this has got me singing "you're my sunshine after the rain~" lol.

Allah gave me the best, now I must and will do my best

1) Do the best in my job so that everyone else can do their best at ease as well.

2) Jadi berani dengan bijak.

3) I must know my cases if not all cases. The minimum from me is the complaint and diagnosis.

4) Smile. I must learn. This is worth it. I have a long way to go.

5) I am smart enough to admit "saya tak pernah ambil darah, boleh ajar saya?" I slacked off attachment in Malaysia during study period because Bawarouq and Bangnipah concurred that "yang penting tagging betul-betul".

And so, I don't think I'll take up of Mr. Zuraimi's offer of us fifteen first poster to have office hour EOD. I played hard enough before.

6) Half of the time I get it right on second trial.

7) Aku rasa antara benda paling menyeronokkan adalah Oncall Round. Sebab cover dengan geng lain team.

---

Look at this:
Day 1 tag 6.45pm - 11.15pm (stampede is correct)
Day 2 tag 6.40am - 11.45pm

I lost one kilo already yeeeeeeha.

As I am writing this, my last meal was Day 1's 6pm. Haha. I'm not hungry I'm just slowly draining battery, and that is when I go find drinking water. And when I pass by the mart I run for a Vico kotak and in style drink while walking to the ward.

Plan: start nourishing fluid. Bwahaha. I am so not good at taking care of myself.

So dad is on the right tract

So I was at the A&E and Dr. Ganesh after walking me through my procedure, he changed the subject.

"Dah join any medical organisation?" He put a form in front of me.

"Not yet." I read the form heading. MMA? Baru semalam bapak suruh join.

"I highly suggest you to join MMA," he started.

"Yaa I've already been suggested to." Where's my pen?

"Oh by who?"

"My dad."

"Your dad a doctor?"

"Yes, here. Paediatrician. Dr. Mohd Hanifah."

The already friendly smiley Dr. Ganesh lit up and proceeded to puji my bapak. Hahaha. Segan saya dengar.

"Be like your father, be that kind of doctor," he smiled.

"Yes inshaAllah I will."

"Kirim salam dekat ayah ya."

"Alright Dr. Ganesh. Pray for him." I meant his health. "Thank you doctor."

And I left to get my blood taken, lighted up.

Be grateful AND DON'T COMPLAIN, YOU SIGNED UP FOR THIS

I watched the Return of Superman clip of Lee Jaea playing tennis against her football player dad Lee Donggook. She cried at the end because she wasn't as good as she wanted to be despite her hard work. The TV crew interviewed her later.

Staff: Was tennis hard?
Jaea: Yes it was.
Staff: Why didn't you tell your dad that it was hard?
Jaea: Because my dad worked harder than me.

During my final exam, I complained how hard it was to my parents. Now that I am working, I vow to never complain of hardship. This two years are training, hardship is a given. And I understand that during dad's time, it was harder. Even nearing 60 he is still doing his best, I have no rights to complain.

---

Our Gen08 WhatsApp group used to be of people venting out when SPA was going to give them a job. Now they're venting about long tagging hours, missed meals, their slowness and everything else. The not-yet-working members of our batch are silent and I don't blame them. I am also not amused by these people's venting. We got the job we wanted, we should suck it up and work hard. We signed up for this.

My involvement is sharing reading materials and when they're discussing cases, like Bajau yesterday who initiated brainstorm to find the bleeder in his bleeding post right hepatectomy patient.

Vascular leak
Stress ulcer

Exclude GI bleed by Ryle's and PR.

Teach me dad

Dad told us his contract ended sometime this month and the only thing left to confirm extending it for another two is his signature.

"So why haven't you signed yet," I asked.

"I haven't decided to extend it or not," he replied.

If he doesn't, it means he will live his life as a proper retiree (proper because ). With mom still working, I imagine dad will be at home alone and be dead bored within one month. Dad signed for compulsory retirement four years ago but is currently working on a contract basis with the government. Because the people still need his expertise and he will be so bored without his practise.

But if he does retire.. what about me? I just started working, he couldn't retire for real now. I took up medicine because I want to study from him. I applied for the same hospital where he works so that I can run to him and have him for company whenever I have random breaks. It would be fun to run into him at random.

After Maghrib prayer I asked him if he really plan to retire for real. Before he could answer, I grinned my I-want-something-from-you grin and continued, please continue for just another two years. You can retire after I finish my HO.

MBBCh (Cairo) bukan MBBCh (Egypt)

Sebenarnya saya rasa nak gaduh dengan sorang budak Mansurah yang HO sekali ni. Sebab setiap kali doktor tanya dewan graduates oversea belajar dekat mana, mesti dia yang first jawab "Mesir."

Dude aku graduate Cairo please. Mesir tu negara, ada tujuh universiti budak-budak Melayu belajar medik. Kalau budak local bukannya dia jawab dia belajar kat Malaysia. Grr.

Not a big deal for some but it is to me. I am proud to be a Cairo grad. We have the esteemed Dr. Hussein and so many awesome professors. I don't know what you have in Mansurah but either way you should be proud to be a Mansurah grad.

Penyelesaian kepada isu ini adalah mulai esok, saya yang akan jadi orang yang jawab soalan doktor. Done.

2nd and 4th day

2nd day HO: Patient Safety Awareness Course for HO with 70% passing mark exam. Bersungguh jugak la aku study, sekali written exam Dr. Mariani datang bisik jawapan. I grinned at her. Haha ape ni.

After I politely paid subtle attention to her, I continued answering my questions. Thanks doc but I did study. Finished all ques in ten minutes with twenty minutes to spare.. I stared in apology at the collateral terrible sloppy handwriting. Still legible, so no prescription error here.

---

4th day HO we had Basic Life Support course with the A&E specialists. Passing mark for the objective questions was 80% and I had to retake my exam. This was a first for me; I have never had to retake a paper, any paper, my entire life. It was a begrudging experience and I was mad at myself.

That day, I realised the gravity of their expectations on us house officers. They expect us to know more than what they taught us the first time.

BRIGHT before HOShip

Tengahari tadi lepas fotostat dokumen dan amik gambar terus bawak Yaya pergi program PERU*ATAN di Masjid Kubang Kerian. Niat singgah sekejap jumpa Qoh yang gerenti datang sebab tak pasti bila dah akan jumpa dia lagi.

Sampai and tertembung junior pakai purdah. Dia excited. "Kak Tiqah kan! Mesti akak tak kenal saya kan?"

"Pakai purdah memang akak tak cam," I grinned back. I was just happy to be greeted warmly. I asked her name and year and it was Dina nak naik tahun lima. Ah yes Dina, I know her.

Pastu gi amik wudhu solat Zohor sekali dengan imam. Ramai je nampak junior and it was me who smiled at them first. Rasa ticked la juga junior tak kenal. I know I'm not as active in PERU*ATAN as I was in my earlier years but when I was a first year, I knew all my seniors dari tahun dua sampai la the graduating batch. Plus I was basically a civilian at this community outreach programme, you kids berbaju program senyum la kat pengunjung yang hadir.

After solat a junior on my left recognised me as a senior and warmly greeted me. Her name is Mardhiyah and she's soo tall.

Petang tadi balik dari BRIGHT tertidur atas sofa. I always sleep on the couch so takde la rasa heran. I woke up and my parents were home and I groggily joined in their conversation. Pastu gi dapur sebab lapar and overheard my parents talking with amused tone.

"Balik tadi nampak kakngah tidur atas sofa. Nanti kerja camtu la dia x sempat tidur kat bilik tidur atas sofa sampai pagi."

Behaved

I promised myself to behave and not be too assertive but I couldn't hide my frown and pointed look when someone say something weird. Lucky for me I had some very smart people in my PTM group and they immediately picked up my disapproval.

And now they've found out. Maybe I shouldn't try to hide it in the first place.

---

When we first had our slot MC and usher assignment, Wawa beside me asked if I wanted to volunteer for the MC role. I wondered why. I told her I preferred the usher role because the speaker was Dato' Razin and mom had been pestering me to introduce myself to him.

Am in front of us heard and he was excited. "You want to be the MC?"

"Usher laa."

But no one listened to me. Fadhli our leader approached and asked if I could be the MC. I said yes. Because if you can do something that people asked you to, you do it. I don't like to push things around.

Encik Yus inadvertently sabotaged me by introducing me to Dato' Razin while I was still MC-ing, so I had to pause and approach him as a polite gesture. The director then introduced my dad to the floor, exactly what I feared will happen. My dad is my dad and I am me.

I messed up my words after that and got laughed at by dato' and the floor, but I was proud at my composure or also known as too-full-of-myself-to-be-bothered-when-laughed-at. Plus I know why I messed up; I was hungry.

---

We were assigning duties for Culture Night. Penghulu was upfront and he asked who volunteers for MC. The groupmates kept glancing, subtly suggesting me to volunteer but I know better MCs than me so let someone else do it.

No one volunteered, kah3. "Okay, then let's pick one guy from Group 1 and a lady from Group 2," Penghulu said.

I shot him a dirty look from my seat at the very last row. Dude was my groupmate and that was really low. We're Group 2!

"Why don't we just pick one of the slot MCs since no one is ever going to volunteer?" Came the suggestion from the floor. Internally I groaned. Like the analyst I am (lol), I knew where this was leading and prepared myself for the worst.

I'm not good enough so I need a really good partner. And I know just one brilliant MC who I can work well with in such short period of time, but he's someone I classified under Acquaintance and because of this doing, we're not exactly on speaking terms.

And I knew it had always bothered me with having one less friend after what... six years? We're going to work in different hospitals and this was as good as my last chance if ever I was going to make amend. Commissioner Reagan said the best way to make amend with a proud male is to acknowledge his value by trusting him with a task. And with that, I hoped he wouldn't mind what I was going to do next.

"So who wants to be the MC?" Penghulu asked.

"Atiqaaah!" Chanted the seating section of Group 6. Why, I don't know. What have I done to them? I snorted because this reminded me of my first day in Surgery.

"Okay, Atiqah. Can?" Penghulu addressed me.

Of course I said yes. And as soon as he asked who's going to be my partner, I raised my hand and said his name and group loud and clear. My groupmates turned around to stare at me and I don't blame them. This did feel weird. We haven't acknowledge each other for a while.

He said yes by raising his hand and I settled hoping this means I was given another shot. Wawa asked me if we have had "keserasian", and I wondered what that means. I replied that we've worked together in the past.

We were dismissed and I approached him when he was walking out passing behind where I was seating.

"I hope you don't mind." No greetings other than a slightly strained smile. It felt weird. Acting all friendly was a clear sign of hypocrisy, which I was not. Nowadays we pretended not to see each other and only talk if we need something. We never had.

He grinned per default. "No I don't."

As expected from him. I turned around signalling I was done, but he followed me to my seat and asked about something. I answered without even looking at him because I didn't know how to and I noticed my groupmates eyes on me.

Yeah... Not exactly the attitude of someone who knew the other, nor of someone who needed help.

---

My group won the best performace and the MC job was a success. As expected he was excellent and I learned a lot from him. I don't expect to see him again after this, but as I passed him on my way to where the car was waiting for me, we raised our eyebrows in acknowledgement.

That's better. I'm done.

Will I still blog after this? Yep.

It's 3am and the sleep I earlier evaded has completely abandon me.

(1) One of the things I like about Maru is that he will out loud recite the before-eating prayer before he eats anything, even a piece of something offered.

(2) If something bad happens to me, remember that I am an organ donor (minus bones and skin). And that I love you mom and dad. Thank you and forgive me for everything.

(3) I need to write my Work Pledge. As in the things I wish to remember throughout my working life.

(4) Let's save up money and go to Norway together. I'm going to take a one-month unpaid leave once I hit MOship.

(5) I'm going for my induction tomorrow, I mean in 7 hours. Reporting for duty next Sunday. The one thing I'm concern about is whether I can make it to three weddings; Fatimah's 28th August, P***'s 25th December and T*****'s 31st.

(6) I want an apartment with a cat. 

(7) If I still have sleep issues when I've started HOship, I will ask for a psychiatric referral.

Lol, good luck dude.

A male character in a Korean soap was Googling how to win a girl's heart. The first was flowers. He shook his head. "No, she's just going to hit me with the flowers I bought."

The second was jewelleries. He shook his head as well. "No, she'll think I'm showing off."

Poor clueless guy. "Just be nice to her," Haru supplied. "Be nice and supportive to her."

From cats to soulmates

The other day Kanggun-kun posted an adorable selca where his cat was 80% in the foreground staring haughtily into the camera and him peeking at the back grinning. The cat's pose was regal and I was smitten, so I Googled to put a name on the royal cuteness.

Koong and Kanggun-kun

Google brought me to a site where Kanggun-kun stated his cats are named Koong and DdaDda after the sounds a drum kit makes. That's a respectable drummer for you. He said he's a cat person because cats are "haughty and adorable" and I second him 100%.

The interview continued with Kanggun-kun commenting he was told he is a perfectionist. This reminds me of the reality show the band was in and Kanggun-kun portrayed himself as a reliable and responsible neat person who is firm with his ways despite being one of the youngest of the four. He may comes across as too serious when you compare him to fun-loving Yonghwa-sama, sometimes-touchy-sometimes-aloof Jonghyun-kun and mischievous Jungshin-kun.

This also brought me to when Kanggun-kun spoke of his date a long time ago where he planned the whole evening in advance to maximise the activities and save cost, but his date was exhausted from it at the end of the day. Yonghwa-sama and the hosts said he was too serious and should have been more laid-back in enjoying each other's company.

The way he spoke of it, I imagined anyone would be tired from following his plan, but I believe someone special would smile and appreciate his effort and hardwork to give what he perceived as the best date for them. I hope he finds someone who will appreciate him for everything that he is. And I thought of Kak Junaidah and I hope the same for her too.

And I smiled because I nearly forgot about myself. Yes, I too hope I find someone who will appreciate me for everything that I am. And for you kind readers as well.

Because I foresee hardship

At least they made good songs about it.

1)
Linkin Park - In The End

2)
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go
3 Doors Down - Here Without You

3)
(To be edited as I go)