budak lawan tidur

Postnight. Apsal admission COVID ni cam haram? Oh yeah kes melambung, no wonder. Wanna tell you guys to stay safe at home but heck do whatever you want, who cares. It's you and your family infected, it's you and your family quarantined, it's you and your family suffering and probably dying. 

And it's us overworking and suffering and suicidal but who cares. 

I need to sleep but I can't sleep now that it's morning. Sort of hungry but what is food. I should sleep I effing only slept 30 minutes last night. The world is too bleak skied to do anything else but I don't know I feel like I should have McDonalds first but I should also sleep. I'm in front of the house but I'm in the car. I should go inside and sleep. 

Argh Atiqah just die already. 

pali always calls me noob

Overheard the surgical registrar saying

"naik ambulance tu nanti baik2 tau"

And I was thinking

wah abang so prihatin sekarang hujan dia cakna kebajikan driver dan pesakit, such a kind person I'm so proud of him

Later he told me his patient was a leaking AAA

 

Oh. Ohhhhh.

today again I met pali dearest

"Miss Aini kata kau dan Kumaran dah exhausted. Atiqah kau penat ke."

I was clerking patient in ED at almost 7pm when Vebster called me, telling that Ms Aini asked him to cover my oncall tomorrow but he was in Ranau for family matter. 

I stared at Pali's back and thought of how I worked the whole week with two oncalls as my liver failed.

"Aku bukan jenis yang mengaku..." I muttered.

"Apa dia? Atau aku oncall Ahad je. Ganti Kumaran."

"Ya bagus kau ganti Kumaran. Dia lagi penat dari aku."

So yeah. I'm postcall today but I'm covering for oncall today. And tomorrow I'm oncall again.

I don't know. Am I tired? I've had worse. 

Today Pali texted me asking for a spare scrub because he was jogging when it rained and he needed to see patient in ED. I was more than happy, I even offered him our oncall room should he need to shower. Heck I just told Miss Doon that I become sooooo excited at even a shadow of Pali. 

So I'm sort of recharged. Then Pali left and I get to say bye. I wish I get to hang out more with him.

Anyway. I guess I'll never admit out loud I'm tired. My body will just collapse. Because in my mind all of us are tired. 

a recurring theme

Always the same; two guys in a friendship.

Will and Hannibal

Cap and Bucky

Jiyong and Seungri

Brett and Eddy

tissot le locle

What are you afraid of

Rejection? Why would you be afraid of it

It's not like we've never failed before

Actually we've never failed until we failed APLS and MRCS

Yeah breezed through school. It's a curse

So? 

Whats stopping you

So what if you fail

What are you going to lose

Your ego? Self esteem? Those are shits if they're stopping you 

Money doesn't count

I dont give shit about money

See I bought you a watch. I didn't regret paying for it. Maybe a bit regretting on the design choice but hey

Dad said to focus on just one thing and we'll be fine

He said we've always done well in school so we should do well too 

But idk

I dont even know

You want out but you didn't even submit your transfer request 

You didn't even enquire on your UD48 atatus

You want to go out but you're always in your room

Even when it's pretty outside

You'll be staring at the sky saying it's pretty

You're lonely but you don't want company

We should get a cat

Is this just a phase

It will pass

It has to pass

I'm tired of this

I don't want to live but I don't want to die either, it's a sin

You need to hurry find peace with yourself 

oncall today i met pali dearest

Masuk ED and saw this figure dari tepi, looks like Pali but macam kurus, is it Pali oh please let it be Paliiiiiiii. 

It is Paliiiii! "Hai abang."

"Pali kau dah kurus" was my first statement. And then I took a picture while he typed in his review. 

"Kau AOR discharge UR mana pulak ni" style di Lahad Datu. And after that I tanya his khabar. And then I had to go don so I bid farewell. 

I really maintained my cool. Pali has always been sort of segan with me and I've only always been in his presence when the other guys are around. 

First time we went for sate and he was in the passenger seat alone while the 3 of us went into the shop. I went back into my car to simpan barang and almost immediately Pali ciao from his seat, like he wouldn't be in a closed space alone with me. I blinked. Did felt a bit more respect for him. 

So that's why I was surprised when he ajak me makan last week but I was in the middle of the forest and God have I ever regretted going merayap like that day. Maybe it was ajak-ajak ayam but anyhow I miss him and every fond memory of Lahad Datu triggered by the mere mention of him. 

Heck I was happy. Inside be like Brett when he met Hilary Hahn.

twoset

I should write how my day went, because it clears my mind. But instead I've been watching Twoset although it's a jab at my current situation. 

So. Let's begin. 

It started with a week off after 4 EOD oncalls. I had a chill week, getting to bed early, waking up early for solitude in nature, then come back for breakfast. I've always had toast with scrambled eggs and sometimes sausages, but one time I was so hungry after going to Inobong I straight up queued at McDonald's. Then maybe I'll hang out with Hamizah or Hanan, and there was a day picnic in the rain in Kiulu with Kak Dilah cooking up an awesome tomyam soup pasta. Man was I impressed at her camping cooking game. 

This week also I've discovered Twoset Violin and was instantly gravitated to Brett. Eddy is the more charming person but Brett, though he looks dead inside, awkwardly shy sometimes, he felt more comforting to me. They're lucky they have each other. 

Or is it that I feel like a Brett and wants an Eddy in my life? Suspicious. 

I saw a crested serpent eagle the other day flying solo, and it occurred to me that Brahminy kite is the least of my favourite sightings because they're always in a pair. 

Whereas here I am. Why am I here?

On the days that I was alone, I remembered the long drives I took. Soothing classical music playing or the random K-Pop stuck in my head, or just the window down wind blowing in the melodious bird calls. I would be admiring how secluded and cool the green forest seemed, how the dense foliage will hide any hanging bodies.. 

What a good place to die at. So calm. 

We should take a Grab so that no one will notice the car is around. 

Yeah, keep the car safe. Hakim can use it. 

Whatever way we go, we should go silently and so so quietly. Pick the least troublesome way to die. 

Isn't it easier if a tree fall down on us or a flyover drop or something. 

It continued on as I rested on my bed, staring at the ceiling fan above. 

Or if the fan fall down on us. A real bloodwork though. 

It's okay to get hurt and die, but imagine a head injury and also intraabd injury? Will we forget the past one year in Lahad Datu? Wouldn't it suck if Pali comes to visit and we forgot who he is? 

To the point that I went lounge clothes shopping for everyone at home to express that I love them regardless what I end up doing. I.. I don't know. Maybe that will the last they hear of me. I remembered planning to write a note inside 

I love you all

and debated over why isn't it

Ika sayang semua

instead but hey, I converse fully in English with Haru so that's a given. 

But then I posted the parcel out immediately after buying them and I forgot about the note. 

It happened many separate times, latest when I was on a walk yesterday at dusk at Sg Darus greenway. Which was my last outing before the rain poured that night and further mellowed my mood. 

Enough of this lamentable loneliness. I decided that today I would wake up for prayers, make breakfast but leave them heated in the grill, go for a walk and watch the birds, come back reheat the breakfast while jumping into the shower, eat and go to work. Start out bright, have a good day. Think of enjoying life. Sounded like a good plan, aye? 

Except I couldn't sleep until almost 1am. Imagine falling asleep easily past 6 days and tomorrow we're working and shit can the anxiety stop already? Woke up at 5am thinking why the hell am I doing this, what's the point, can we just go to sleep. I dragged myself down to the common washroom where I met Kak Dilah downstairs preparing to go jogging. She told me her car's battery was out so I asked her what time should we carpool. She said any time I'm heading out. I decided on 7.30am and then I went back upstairs, prayed and straight back to bed. 

I had only coffee this morning. 

We talked in the car. She told me she's decided to leave by the end of the year, late January at least. That us housemates should up and leave by next year. Enough is enough. 

Parked the car at the hospital and as we walked I asked her how did she maintained her momentum. I told her I'm demotivated. I told her how content I was waking up early last week and how I made morning plans to cheer myself up in the prospect of working today, only to have it crushed down by the weight of my high functioning depression, if that is the thing I'm going through now. 

How I am mostly alone (I couldn't tell her I didn't want to burden people with my company) and only with people when they invite me or ask me out. How dangerous my thoughts were when I'm alone. 

How I wanted to leave Likas because I've build walls to protect myself from being hurt again, although the triggers are gone I still associate Likas with hurt. How I used to go to work because Mr Mughni was around and afterwards because Luqman was around, that they were "my crutch" and I quietly fed on their mere presence. And how I now felt lonely in a team and it sucks on my will to live. 

She listened quietly. Subconsciously I might have chose the limited time we had from the parking lot to thumbing in to disembarking at our respective floor to breach this topic. She told me I shouldn't be alone with my thoughts. 

I got to ward for rounds. OT called for a case and I went in alone for two cases. In between I went to the PSICU to hand in my post op notes and met up with the team. I remember stuttering a bit in front of Miss Haz. 

Like, why? 

I quickly excused myself to go in for the second case. I was done by 11am and I went down to clinic to discuss a peripheral case face to face with Miss Haz. Much easier. 

There were Meryem, Naveena, Mr Fadli and Ms Aini there. I discussed the case. They were cutting cake for Fadli's birthday. There were also lunch. I was the first to help to the heavy meal (I was starving, imagine used to breakfast past 6 days and suddenly only a cuppa this AM) and I sat on my own in a darkened stall. 

I wondered why was I alone. Room 1 had Fadli in it that's why I didn't eat there when I chose my stall. I finished up and saw Room 1 had Naveena and Meryem, Room 3 was Ms Haz and Ms Aini, and Fadli was alone at the back. 

Ah yeah. Logic. 

I did my SKT and then I went upstairs to pray. Met Huwaina and Ulfah. Hamizah washed my telekung and when I opened the bag, there was a waft of softener scent and a full bar of Snickers. 

Hamizah is a sweet thoughtful person. And here I am a self centered person struggling with her sanity. What a life. 

I prayed first because Huwaina wanted to borrow my telekung. She was on COVID rotation and she asked me to help buy her coffee. I went down to buy both of them coffee while they prayed and later departed. I went back to my ward and we had our PM round. 

PM round done. It was 4pm and I could go back now but I decided to settle my LNPT because it was too sacrilegious to do work at home. At 5pm I waited for the elevator and suddenly a voice called out my name. 

It was Chief Kumaran. He told me to wait one minute. So I did. He went inside the ward and came back with his bags he left after his postcall. And he gave me three bottles of expensive looking coffee. He bought them at Tong Hing because the review was good, but he's not a fan of coffee if it's not hot. 

One for me, he said. And the chocolate for Ms Hazlina, he said. And the other one for whoever, he said. He already gave one to Ms Aini. 

I wondered if he gave to the other MOs, but I didn't ask him that. I once got straightened by him because I was sassy and I have since know to be respectful because he is experienced more than me by at least 10 years, he deserves at least that. And when you do that, he shows the good side of having a senior care for a junior. 

Like this. Expensive coffee. I'm gonna have this tomorrow morning. 

We talked until we thumbed out and went our ways. I realised I could talk to him and him with me within the short moments we have. Probably we're both old shits who are comfortable with old friends presence. I appreciated our exchanges. 

I picked up Kak Dilah and we picked up dinner to have it together with Ufairah at home. On the way to the restaurant my car did a jerky movement every time I hit the gas. Urm what? Spark plugs? Let's not be a gearbox issue please. We Googled and Kak Dilah called her brother while I texted Fitri and yeah nvm this has to wait. I love you but I'm busy working for next three weeks I don't have time to send you to the garage unless you're leaking oil. Please hang in there? 

It didn't jerk as much from the restaurant but when we were leaving, a mutt came up and barked as hell at the hood. Especially at the left side of the front. He followed us barking as hell and I was cautious because I was afraid he'll run up front and I hit him. I wondered out loud if he smelled danger from the hood and it was a warning to save us? 

"It's not a good omen with the jerking and then the barking. Oh well."

Life goes on. You die when it's time. We drove slowly back and dinner was uneventful. We talked about work, I mostly listened. 

I'm full and should go pray Isya now that I've got this out of my system. 

Tomorrow I'm oncall and this week we have one major OT per day lining up not including the emergency ones. What a festive with two MOs doing EOD calls. 

4d3n kk kb kudat km sdk kundasang kk

First day period today so I was extra snappy. On the drive to RDC I apologised to Luqman for being snappy yesterday and in advance anticipating I'll be irritable and as he put it "emotionally handicapped" today.

He said he didn't realise nor care that I was snappy yesterday. I told him I apologised for my sake. Meaning for me to feel better about myself disillusioned that I'm a good person. He said he is good at reading people so I asked him what he read about me. He wouldn't say. Whateve idiot. 

Anyhow snippets from the drive today. I was speeding and cleared 240 km in 3.5 hours, plus pre Ranau was downpouring so I had to go 60km/h. Sandakan to Checkpoint was 30 minutes, CP to Sapi Nangoh was 30, Sapi to Telupid another 30. I tolerated his slow pop music for the first 2.5 hour of the drive but it was raining and I was getting more tired. 

Don't you have anything more upbeat?

I listen to trance music only when I'm in a trance. What do you want? 

Whatever as long as upbeat. Ko-

I don't listen to Korean. 

Fine whatever upbeat then. 

I chose something mainstream. 

What the. Ariana Grande of all thing?

I don't listen to this, this is mainstream. 

Ahh play Love Scenario please. Just give me this one. It's already playing in my head. 

Love Scenario... iKON is it? 

Yeah that one. 

Atiqah quietly singing to Love Scenario with subtle shoulder move while manoeuvring Old Man. 

---

I told him the dream I had on the night before we departed. I was driving the Old Man along a hilly road, winding and steep and we swerved down into the river in the valley. 

Did we survive?

We did, though it was a long drop. 

That's why it's a dream. 

The Old Man didn't though. I remember being busy finding a replacement car. 

Between you or the Old Man dead, I'd rather you die. 

... That's good to know. I laughed but I did feel a bit hurt. And for a second there I thought maybe it's better should I die too. Just for a second. 

I just need to bury you. For the Old Man I'd have to fix it and I don't have the cash for it. 

---

We had a clear Akinabalu with a length of cloud underneath it and the orangey sunset hue. I was excited.

Get a picture now please! 

Why should I?

Take a picture Luqmannn. I was driving along a hill road and trying to take a picture and this bastard not helping. I'm going to endanger me- us! 

It's just a mountain. 

It's a mountain yeah but it's not just a mountain!

You're taking this too seriously. 

Take it laaa dude you're not a good henchman. 

Fine. I'm doing this just to stop you nagging. 

Thanks. I told you I'll be snappy today. 

He struggled. Fuck it I'm just going to enjoy the view. 

After a few seconds. 

It really is majestic. 

It is! I've been driving here many times but I've never get this orange sky with clear Aki post rain. 

It's just a view. 

It's not just a view! 

friends dont let friends get into trouble alone

Luqman suggested to go to Kota Belud. I don't mind.

Then on the way back he said to pack for up to 3D2N and elaborated that the plan was to explore KB, then up to Kudat to meet a friend, then to Tongod to explore heart of Sabah, and then Sandakan. 

My only concern was how to get through the roadblocks. I detest lying. 

"I've nothing to lose. Except maybe thousand ringgit. But I need a wingman. I can't drive all alone in case of car trouble. If you're chickening out, you have the night to think."

I snorted. "That's a good choice of word." 

one day you'll be okay and until then

Luqman said "After this you can go on trips with Meryem" our junior colleague. Probably in preparation to him leaving for home, probably making sure I have friends. 

He said this before and I scoffed in respond. This time I just turn the other way and looked out of the window. 

I don't want to go on trips with any of my Likas colleagues. I just don't want to.

Before saying that he asked me when am I planning to leave Sabah. I chuckled at my demise. "I wanted to leave after MedEx," I told him. "Get it over with. But that was when MedEx was in October. And then it was postponed to November."

"And now January. So you'll be leaving next year."

"I'll have to see by next month how," I meant how am I coping without friends with me. "Maybe it'd be sooner than that."

bro can he writes... i feel like trash. yup this blog is trash.

I penned a personal anecdote extolling the old man.

Hitherto, the reckoning of having to leave prematurely due to the current pandemic never ceased to linger. Its inevitable and I have to come to terms with reality. 

November marked the end of a memorable 5 months in enchanting state of Sabah. She is like a graceful lady and I have to admit I fell for her demeanour. 

Time, the essence of the remarkable solitude and fortitude with mother nature was spent with great satisfaction. Never have I imagined that I was bestowed with the privilege of time to trot around in a rugged, sturdy 4 wheel machine, manoeuvring around steep and precarious slopes, muddy terrains and shallow riverine. The notion of being immersed in the wilderness has never been enthralling. Mountains rose majestically taking its desired position, juxtaposed perpetually , forming stark hues of greens, captivating the bemused eyes.

Pristine rivers cleaved through the deep valleys, intertwined, tantalizing those from afar. Dense rainforest coloured the mountain range vivid green, mists scattered haphazardly, and the pleasant melodies of the birds are deeply engrossing. Its intriguing that this land is blessed with myriad of geographical wonders, appeasing to those who are incessantly smitten by its beauty. Its bemusing and the call to explore the wilderness is quite irresistible.

Nevertheless, Sabah is no home, but it offers the comfort akin to home. Its a place befitting to be called home. An overwhelming feeling of disillusionment and dispirited harbours, having to part with a place that is fondly reminisce, realising how it will be envisaged upon my return back home.

atiqah has always been full of bs

I have dangerous thoughts.

Few days back I've been coming up with a list of why I shouldn't get myself killed yet. 

1) I'm oncall tomorrow

2) I'm out with someone (I only hang out with Luqman or Mizah nowadays) and I can't die now lest I be a burden to them

3) I'm a Muslim and I should not get myself into Hell

4) Kak Elli said she didn't want me to die

5) Poor mom

Today we went out for off road trail and my hesitation and doubting the Old Man can pass cross the river stopped Luqman from crossing with The Old Man at Kg Terian. So we parked and enjoyed the river instead. 

Yesterday I had to change into COVID suited attires and was in a scrub without a cap on exposing my hair and neck because I was in a hurry and couldn't find a cap where I was changing. I couldn't look at anyone because I hoped they wouldn't look at me. Fadli didn't say anything but then Luqman saw me and immediately asked where was my cap as I dived into a cap drawer. It was embarrassing but I was grateful someone called out on me not taking care of my aurah. 

So today we're by a beautiful river. The weather was hot and the river was so so cool. I want to dive in but I had no spare clothes and was wearing cotton and I do not want to get them soaked and clinging on me. 

But this river. When will I come here again. My ferocious Fiesta was not made for this trail. 

I hesitated but he urged me. I knew I wouldn't hesitate if I was alone. I went in only waist deep and just played by the bank. He jumped in where he suggested I should go and yeah as I expected the current there was strong. Then he left upstream away to explore the area. 

I made sure he wasn't looking my way before I went into where he was. And then the dangerous thought came. 

"It's okay even if you die."

I remembered my hesitation had nothing to do with having a male around me. It had everything to do with the dangerous thought I have when I'm in deep waters. 

The current was strong and I couldn't stand upright. I changed my course to the banks and my knee got a good beating onto the rocks. Then I quietly sat in the shallower water. 

And then I remember I shouldn't be a burden. That's one of the earliest thing Luqman ever said to me, back when we were cycling in KB backyard. 

My anxiety, or whatever. They are mine. I shouldn't burden people with it. I told Luqman yesterday when he was telling about Miss (he was also generalising all female) and her periodic good moods that my feelings are my own and I shouldn't subject people to it, and at my worst I am quiet. 

We made our way to Kg Buayan. We came across a river and it was my waist deep. He ploughed through this time and I congratulated him. The rest of the journey was fun. 

At home, I sent him pictures I took of him and he thanked me, calling me "a good henchman."

He called me out correctly. I do lack the confidence to cross deep rivers, with myself because of my dangerous thoughts and with the Old Man because it's old and I don't know its limit. It broke down on us once and I don't know how deep of a water is too deep for it. I know now. 

Plan somewhere that interest him. He's oncall tomorrow so I'm off the hook cm. Instead of going somewhere new, I'm thinking of driving up to Gunung Alab, park by the hillside watching the coastline and feeding the stray dogs. Alone with my sadness. 

im high risk to be hated by my superiors

Surgeon: Aku nak Iris.

Surgeon pergi ambil Acson dan guna. I stared. 

Me: Tu Acson bukan Iris.

Surgeon: Aku sebut Acson kau dengar Iris.

Me: Takkk. 

thanks for feeding me bro

Last night I was crushed with an overwhelming sense of sadness. I don't know why and I started thinking what should I do now if I die tomorrow.

I should straighten up my financials first. Leave things to the siblings. 

Then suddenly Arif sent me an in-game sunset picture. How did he know to check up on me? I replied him immediately. And asked how he was doing. 

It had been raining yesterday evening and I had no glimpse of nature. Perhaps I should do that. Go sit by the bay every evening.

I was still sad. I wanted to cry or do something hurtful. Perhaps it's seasonal depression. I asked if Yaya was busy and if I can have 15 minutes. 

She called me instead. I didn't really wanted to talk and she sounded like she didn't know what to say anyway. I would tell her to just blabber about her days or whatnot but I didn't. I just answered her curtly, and elaborated on what I think I'm going through. We talked for 19 minutes. I excused myself, went to pray and slept. 

I woke up not wanting to wake up at all. But I dragged myself to work and was silent all through the round. Miss as usual with her pettiness from feeling responsible for every micron and us confusing her and not actually helping her. I just kept silent. 

We finished round. She finally went off. Fadli, Luqman, Naveena and I talked more freely. Luqman went to get food and suggested I eat something heavy before OT call. I picked through the food and he paid for two. 

I grinned. That was my first smile of the day. 

dont run

Stop living in the past.

This blog is to vent. Just because there's an archieve doesn't mean I need you to dig things up. 

Definitely don't read up old messages between deleted flings. You deleted his contact number for a reason. 

He was ready. You were immature and wild. You were not worth his trouble. We parted ways, you deleted his contact. You did that. Whatever reasons and how long it took for you to do that, you did that. It was done. Don't you dare look him up again.

He's happy now. I know that because we looked it up. And right now, yeah you're not happy. But then again your happiness is not with him. Never was, never is, definitely never will. 

Stop hurting me by digging up things. It makes me want to run away. Don't make me run away again. 

anxious atiqah and hellish haru

Was texting updates to my surgeon after PM round when he suddenly asked

ko kat mana ni

nak cakap skit

Yeah he's a humble chap who designate aku - kau with his MOs. I've known Fadli since my HO days when he was a registrar and I call him by name behind his back, but to his face I call him with his title lest I become too aloof and cross lines.

Anyway I told him I was in ward. Then Anxious Atiqah started to flabbergast.

What did we do this time? Were we too overconfident in dealing with cases? Was there any case came to clinic apparently we decided plan without consulting? What what

Chill. We'll worry once when it comes, in the mean time don't worry about shit. It doesn't change things, problems will pass, it'd be fine anyway.

I waited for him to come. And all he told me was the plans for patients after he'd discussed with Ms Haz.

See, told you it'd be fine anyway. 

pick up

I'm supposed to sleep now cause Mizah is picking me up at 7 cm but sleep is for the weak.

Anyway this morning. Luqman was saying he wanted to go to Telupid and Tongod and Tawau etc this weekend for a trip. I told him parks all closed la PKPD. He didn't buy it and although I know already Tawau Hills Park is closed, I pulled out my phone and called Arif.

It was 10.30. He's likely working. My phone was connected to my car Bluetooth and he answered the call. Sounded muffled. Ah he's donned in. 

Arif, tengah round kah?

Ya tengah round. 

Okay later. Bye. 

I hung up but I was grinning like heck. I really like it when people pick up when they couldn't talk. It makes me feel I'm worthy, at least of an explanation.

potamologist day at sungai libudon

I got up at 9.15 from a phone call. I was actually already awake but I didn't want to leave my bed. Who would on their off day, some more it had been raining continuously since 6am yesterday. 

It was Luqman. He asked for a favour. Sure what's up. 

"Pick me up at Inanam. I sent my car for service."

"Okay send me your location." I was gonna just wash my face throw some fresh clothes and head out. 

"Wait. Are you even up?"

"I got up from your call." I could see his face thinking useless kids he has to deal with.

"You pick up fast." Well I thought it was mom calling. He is assigned my family ringtone. "Go take a shower first."

So I took my shower, put on a pair of jeans, a long sleeved ratty tee, threw my parka on and my worn out Crocs. I was just picking him up and send him back, right? I can get back to bed after that.

I did wonder why he didn't just call a Grab. I would. I once walked an hour in the rain from the mall to home because my parents were working, I didn't want to call him, and I was distrusting of cabs.

Of course, the answer was he planned for us to go merayap. He told Mizah to park at his place and we took my car. I asked him where to. 

"Penampang."

Penampang is a huge ass area. "Penampang towards Tambunan?"

"Yeah."

I know that area and drove there without GPS. Luqman knew the area better and asked to stop at the next Shell to stock up on his cig. Throughout the day he smoked about half a pack in my car and honestly I had a headache from the stench (plus maybe because I was fasting) and my car reeked. 

I hated the fact that my car reeked of cig and the fact that my headache might be at least 70% contributed by him smoking. I decided then I cannot marry a smoker. 

Why didn't I complain? Because he's my brother. I tolerate shits from him just because of that fact. Anyone assigned as my family will get that kind of treatment from me. 

I know, I'm a sentimental idiot. 

"Lovely weather. So gloomy, depressing."

Well that kind of talk is typical of a recently stoned Luqman. 

So we went up until my favourite area along Sungai Kibunut. I asked if we're going there. He told me instead to go straight, and take the left at the junction of Jalan Tudan Poring.

And then he took a nap. 

Mizah wondered if we're heading until Tambunan. I said we're just midway. It's a day at Banjaran Crocker anyway. 

The journey was beautiful. The ethereal view of heading into lush forest with cloud and mist limiting your vision. Add on a scary tune and it'd be straight out of a horror flick. The hilly slippery road was awesome. I had fun driving. 

Our first stop was downward left at an ongoing tarring road. We stopped and admired the valley view. Luqman asked if I think my car can make it down and explore the road. 

I said no I'm not risking it. The road wasn't completely tarred and it was still drizzling. The car can go down but God knows if my car can grip back up. I stomped my feet into the asphalt road and it gave way into mud, proving my point. 

We then journeyed on and took another turn right. We were met with a Myvi parked and then a waterfall of a stream with rapid current covering a sorry excuse for a bridge. At the other end was a slope of a road upwards. 

I didn't think we would make it, it looked deep and my car will be flooded but even if we do make it, if it rained more we're likely to be stuck at the other end. Plus as Mizah said, even the Myvi was parked. So we turned around and journeyed on. 

And met the lower end of the previous waterfall. 

We turned around, of course. Luqman suggested we try the first stop. Oh why not.

It was a fun ride downwards about 3km, easy despite the asphalt not yet setting in, until the end we were met with a bridge under contruction. 

We had to turn around, of course. But I couldn't drive up. The tires didn't grip and the off rail light was blinking. Haha okay. Let's try again. I tried once to no avail, so we decided to park and go for a walk at the lower part to see what's there. 

A stretch of rapid current next to an abandoned campsite. It was so cold and the toilet there was axed. I needed to pee so I did what I had to..

We regrouped at the car. The construction workers were getting on their Hilux and observed us. I stared at the slope and back at Luqman. He grinned at me and  said we're just gonna have to walk up. I asked him what about the car to which he replied with a grin. Idiot. So I tried again. 

Nope, not gripping. Luqman then came up to my window. 

"They said you have to reverse."

"Oh okay." That's a first for me. Reversing up a slope.

"You have a lot of spectators. Don't disappoint us." And then he left to stand with the others.

I almost thought he would take over the wheels from me, like what Vicky tried to do last time. But this is Luqman, he lets me make mistakes, he rarely takes over and he'll dish out wisdom afterwards. This is why Luqman is family, he has a lot of faith in me. 

Or maybe he's just stoned. 

So I reversed the car. Prayed and hit my accelerator. What followed afterwards was one of the most fun driving experience I ever had. I was reversing up the slope so fast and so smoothly for about almost a kilometer before the slope plateaued and I could right the car. Luqman and Mizah were hitching behind the workers Hilux and they were left in my dust as I sped up the rest of the road.

Safe. The Hilux dropped the two of them and I waved them my thank. Mizah then told me one of the workers saw me at the driver's seat and he said

"Perempuan kah? Mataii."

I laughed. I'm proud of my car and me. 

Later on our way back Luqman suggested I wash my tires at a nearby crossable stream. He said it was shallow and level suited for a Fiesta. We went there and I was aghast.

"This? You think my car can cross this??" Even from a far I can see it's deep and my car will be flooded if I cross this.

"Sure can. Trust me."

"I trust you but not this time. Look at that!" 

"Cannn. My car can. It's shallow and it's even."

He drove a Land Cruiser. I gave him a stink eye and walked up to the water. It was fast and I had to roll up my jeans at the water edge and I can see it was deeper in the middle. I turned around back to my car and yelled my distrust. He came out grinning and to prove his point that it was shallow, started to wade into the water. 

It was up his knee. This old fart. 

they call me trouble

Mom called today. 13 minutes call duration. 

She asked about me. There's really nothing worthy of mentioning and nowadays the only thing going on is when is my next oncall, which is tomorrow. 

Then she asked about my friends by name. Mom has always remembers my friends by name. I updated their location and that they're still alive managing COVID. I think. I last contacted Arif on Tuesday over my first oncall in Likas, Syukri on Friday mulling over this shitty career path, Savinder maybe 2 weeks back but he updated his IG so yeah he's alive. 

At the end of it she mentioned about my cousins who just got engaged and married to their neighbours. It clicked that the cousins are all younger than me but hey, comparison is the thief of joy and so the click went away as soon as it came. I told her that's good, convenient. With MCO in there's no need to argue where to balik kampung to.

Then she told me to get married to someone from the same state. I sniggered. 

I remember she told me years ago not to marry a Kelantanese because at that point of time few Kelantanese men we know were marrying second behind their wives. Anyhow I told her to find someone for me. She told me not to be picky and no one's perfect and I have flaws myself and I have to live giving and taking, and to go find him myself since I have friends in front of me. I told her the only thing in front of me is a wall, literally because I was on the bed staring at the wall. Figuratively it's MCO and I'm in Likas where good guys are either taken or gay. 

I wanna go to New York when this is all over. 

hand at fishing

This evening Luqman invited to go see sunset. There were him and Mizah and we fed a bunch of fishes Starbucks croissant and I had some of his coffee. It tasted like smoke and my throat felt dry.

I don't think I'll ever take up smoking. 

We went to the edge of the jetty admiring the sunset along a group of anglers. I walked up to a lady to see what she had fished. And then to her group of friends. The guy was friendly and we chatted how the fishes eat chicken liver because "ikan-ikan di sini pernah terluka jadi mereka makan hati" legit and he let me had a go at fishing.

So I stood there with my borrowed rod and admired the setting sun, praying maybe a fish will fall for me. 

I looked around and saw Mizah and Luqman where I left them. And later they were walking around. 

Yeah so I easily ditched them and easily chatted up with some stranger. I surmised that

1- I am more comfortable talking to strangers because that's what strangers are. You say hi, bid goodbye and never see each other again. Such short period thus warrant easy and light interaction. I'm here for a short time, not a long time. 

2-  If I walk with even number of friends, I am most likely to ditch them and be alone. It happened in Switzerland, it happened in Paris, it happened in Spain. So it definitely will happen on local ground. 

Why do I do that? 

I didn't catch anything of course. 

good night haru

I didn't vent anything immediately after the last post so that indicate I had at least an average first days back in Likas.

Miss is friendly funny snappy as ever. Her surgeons are quiet and when I observed their OT I kind of wish Lahad Datu OT. I had more control and more responsibility there. She introduced me to her surgeons with

"Atiqah ni kalau macam2, awak cakap je 'Atiqah, diam.' Dia ni kena tegur direct."

I nodded. She's spot on. 

Anyhow to today's topic. 

Last night Mizah came over and we had a sleepover because she was scared to sleep alone at her place. We were dishing out plans and I told her I'm not exactly really 100% looking forward to taking masters. 

She asked if it's my commitment issue. I seconded her. I stared at the dark ceiling and told her how I felt. 

Although I've never been in a serious relationship, "It's like you're in a 4 years relationship with a guy but you're not ready to marry him." 

So what's the issue?

I enjoy my current field and I think I'm pretty good at it. So it's not him, I guess. 

I've had trouble dealing with the variables of this field. Like having trouble with in-laws and his shitty friends. 

I think it's me. I really detest studying. I kept thinking how did I got through my schools with 11As and graduated with Very Good marks? I have no idea. 

I thought maybe I wanted to get married and settle down and raise a kid or two and the idea sounds interesting. But that's just the idea of it. I don't have the real thing, and I don't know how will I react to the real thing.

I guess it's a surprise. 

I'm impulsive and plan at the last minute but I hate unpredictable things. I want to be in control and safe. 

Whatever. Esok oncall. 

as arif said, some of the stressors will not be there anymore so we should be good, right?

Tomorrow 15/10/2020 I will start back my stint in HWKKS as a Paed Surgical MO. 

For the past three nights I have been having trouble sleeping, only able to sleep almost at 3am, almost took Piriton to sleep. I thought it was the heat but I've come to realise the insomnia was probably from anxiety. 

I'm anxious because I left there to run away from depression, what makes going back to Likas not equivalent to going back to depression? 

Deep breath, it's okay. Luqman will be there so I'll have an ally but he's also the bastard brother who left me in a pub with 2 drunkards so yeah. 

Anyhow you cannot depend on others to keep you afloat. You need to take deep breath. You need to keep calm and don't react. You need to remember it's okay even if you die. 

Wow diving tips really do wonders. 

Get through the day and we'll have omelette and sotong goreng tepung for dinner, deal? 

i left my heart in tabin, lahad datu

I'm updating my 2017-2019 logbook from my two years in Likas. Yeah I know I was supposed to do this before I even left for Lahad Datu but time passed. 

Anyhow as I went through the logbook, it brought back memories. I remembered the story behind some of these patients. I remembered doing the cases and learning from the surgeons. 

Unfortunately it also triggered a lot of bad feelings. I guess acting tough doesn't make you immune to mental health issues. 

Every day I doubt whether I really want to start back working in Likas but I'm here now. I submitted my HLP application. It doesn't help that my Likas logbook pales in comparison to my Lahad Datu ones.

I miss being in Tabin. 

i eat to fill the void in me

When I grew up and throughout my study, I've always had a single bed. 

At home in Lundang now I have a queen bed in my room but I sleep in Yaya's spare single bed. 

When I first got to Likas, my bed was a super single.

Then I moved to Lahad Datu where I had a single bed. 

Now I'm back in Likas and my bed now is a queen. 

I can't get over how big it is. Kevin and the friends are stashed on one end and me on the other end and there are still plenty space in between. I feel like swapping it for a couch or something but it comes with the room and where should I put it if not where it is now.

Yeah if I go to hotels I'd take a queen bed for me but having one every single night feels.. lonely. It makes me feel small and void and lonely.

I should find a cat. 

what day is today

This morning Luqman called me asking

"are you still alive? "

well "yeah" I picked up the phone didn't I 

And what's the condition of my quarantine

"do you have pink or white bracelet"

"neither"

"why"

"i dont know they didnt give me nor did i ask" 

And whether I can go out 

"dude im on house quarantine" 

"have you still your sanity" 

"well im starting to lose some (what is now, day 3 of quarantine?) but I can still see the sky and a tree from my window so I'm good"

"stay sane"

"yeah you too stay safe"

"stay sanee"

"yah haha okay"

"so I guess I'll see you.. when I see you"

"yeah sure I'll see you soon"

And then I hung up. It was 8.15 in the morning. Shouldn't he be doing rounds? Why is he asking me out.

Then I checked the date and day. It's a Saturday today. Man I'm losing track of days already.

It's good to be checked up on. 

last resus in lahad datu

My last oncall in Lahad Datu was on 16092020.

17092020 on mom's birthday, I was doing my AM round while slouching at the counter. Dija then showed up and told me of her dream last night. 

"Aku marah Miss Doon dalam mimpi. Kau oncall, pagi tu ada patient collapse. Aku terus teriak 'CPR sekarang!' dan cuma kau ja yang tolong. Miss tengok saja tidak tolong. Aku pun panggil dia. 'Miss mari sini saya mahu cakap.'"

I laughed at that incredible dream.

So Miss arrived and we did rounds. First patient this Y guy who has had 4 admissions this year alone for UGIB from NSAID abuse. The day before we did OGDS found a circumferential clot with F2A and 2B ulcers at D1. We transfused last night and today HB still dropping, but hemodynamically stable. We have to wait for PCR to send him over to HQE for distal gastrectomy but anyhow, move on to the next patient... 

Then suddenly he fitted in front of us with the pungent smell of massive fresh melena. 

Everyone automatically went towards the patient. Kamal held his arms to steady him down, Stephy was flattening the bed, Nabil was removing the bed ends, bla bla bla.

I was the only one who turned away from the patient to grab a box of gloves, wore some myself, then pushed the box to the others. Gloves up first guys. 

I went to his head and secured his airway. Then I locked eyes with Dija who was securing another line. 

"Dija kau mimpi apa malam tadi?" 

It was rhetorical. She grinned back at me. Nasib baik collapse pagi ni, kalau collapse semalam penat aku sorang2 hahaha. 

And Miss looked restless and her face screamed fucked. "We have to open him" she was muttering and I thought we're saving him from bleeding but this guy he either makes it or he's going to die from sepsis or leak.

Miss as in Dija's dream wasn't spearheading the resuscitation. She was busy thinking how to do the distal gastrectomy and calling up her superiors and looking up the textbook.

We resuscitated him and sent him for laparotomy. I remembered once his GCS was full and he was cooperative and orientated, I apologised to him for any wrongdoings because he's heading for a major surgery under not the idealest condition and I won't be around anymore. He apologised to me too. 

He had biliary leak and still surviving in ward till today, now post op day 14. 

cactus and commitment

I'm trying to get myself to commit again (again? Were we ever committed?) so I'm practicing on my cactus.

When Arif went for Kinabalu conquer he stopped at the tamu and asked me if I wanted vegetables from Kundasang. I was too lazy to cook so I asked him to get me a cactus and it lived with him for a while because I forgot to pick it up. By the time I took it, it has.. what's the term? Flourished? There were several plantings off it (is that what you call it?). 

This is how it is by the time I got it from Arif. 

It lived well with me and grew taller albeit disproportionate, imagine thick lower segments and thin upper segments. It thrived on my table beside the window and I water it a cap of water every time I could remember, like every 3 days or 4.

And then I moved back to Likas and it was on the floor of the passenger seat. I had the car filled with all my stuff. I had some water bottle placed unsecurely on the seat and when I drove, the bottle rolled and slammed right onto the cactus.

Stupid Atiqah. I can't do anything about this idiot. 

It was crushed. Every day I looked at it and it's smashed. I felt like throwing it into the trash and buy a new one but I can't just throw it and start over. 

First, someone gave it to me. 

Second, it's a cactus. Immobile. What little attention does it need? All you needed to do was to keep it safe and you went and got a bottle smashed right into it. If you can't even keep a cactus alive what about moving pets like a cat? What about career progression? What about a family? What about dreams? 

I got to Kundasang and I debated over getting some more cactus. I should not and just focus on keeping this one alive first. But I went to the tamu anyway to get some losun and there weren't many people around and I felt responsible to help the economy. 

I ended with four new cacti worth RM70 and this time I made sure to place them securely in the car. No water bottles unsecured. 

Today I repotted Cactus Number 1, with the plantings separated I hope it will make it. 

Ah shit. It looks bad. Like an overcooked spinach. I can't even keep it standing. Why Atiqah whyyyyy someone gave it! It should be important for you to value but you went and argh your stupidity is unparalleled! 

If it dies I guess I'm just not cut out for commitment, aye? Can't even keep a cactus alive what more a dream. I'm gonna go celibate and live off some super remote rural clinic. 

to the idiot that i love

Dear Atiqah,

You're an idiot with a high sense of responsibility. That translates to you repeatedly doing stupid things but doing so safely.

I can't do anything about your need to go into forests and jungles (nor do I even understand, I think a therapist is in need) even when you're alone, but going for night walks alone at 10pm?

It's a jungle and it's too dark and you're alone. What makes you think it was a good idea, I don't know. It is not. Please don't ever walk off alone in the jungle at night. This is a jungle. You'll get taken by the unseen and mom will die from heartbreak. Don't do that to her. 

We didn't survive all these years of solo night walk in the city and abroad without that small alarm of danger. It took us what, 2 minutes walking in the dead of night to turn back? Shouldn't have even left the room, you know. 

I'll stop nagging now. 

It's okay to miss a starry night in Sandakan on camera. We missed the best starry night in Tabin but we'll always have it pictured in our brain. Also we'll go to Tabin again.

Let's wake up early for morning walk cm, yeah?

girls night

I planned to ciao out from Lahad Datu today but lucky me I lambat siap logbook and only tomorrow can I show it to Miss Doon. So tonight I'm still here, and had my last dinner in Lahad Datu with the girls. 

With gossip for dessert. As always. 

"Sesuai dah tu, sama2 Kelantan." Laila said. 

"Tak boleh," I shook my head and wanted to say incest. But really. "Lelaki Kelantan ni playboy dia lain macam."

"Setuju!" She high-fived me. 

"Tapi aku lagi playgirl dari dia." As a matter of fact. 

"..." Laila glared at me. "Ya aku nampak."

mencari buaya di kinabatangan

I went to get my hair trimmed. They offered hair wash and although I just washed my hair, why not. I've the money to help this small economy. The scalp massage was good. 

"Kau orang Bugis kah?"

Usually I say I'm a Bugis (am actually half Minang, quarter Bugis, quarter Jawa) from Kota Belud (Kota Bharu, KB, same difference), but

"Tak, aku Melayu dari Semenanjung."

"Ooh. Kau belajar kah di sini?"

Those words put the biggest grin on my face. Lately I've been feeling old, so old and tired. Glad some things didn't change.

---

Our rooms were the farthest away and I'm glad I didn't have to tell them to wait for me to walk to reception. (It was dark and we're in the woods and I'm kinda a tiny bit chicken.) Arif is a gentleman, he does look out for me. My arm was swollen because I got stung by a wasp and Arif texted me to remind me to go get ice from the receptionist. 

I asked them if they have ice. They don't. I asked if their first aid kit has got any hydrocortisone cream or Piriton and the receptionist showed me their first aid kit. 

While I was rummaging the kit she asked me if I work at the hospital, I affirmed. She then asked for suggestions what else to top up their first aid kit. I then made a list. 

Arif came (they were lounging upstairs in the hammock) and rummaged through their prescription. I asked him to counter check my list. He nodded, not adding anything else. Then he pulled out Cetirizine and gave it to me. 

Makan ni. 

What is this. I'm not familiar. 

Antihistamine. Tapi tak mengantuk. 

Oo nice. 

I took two pills. Hehe. 

It was raining heavily and we then played cards to wait it off. But it was almost 10pm and reception is closing. It was still pouring. I don't want to get drenched nanti demam. 

Okay. Sape kalah last game dia kena ambil payung dalam kereta. I said. 

Aku rasa macam aku je yang kalah ni. Arif pulled my car keys towards him. 

It was between Kamal and Arif. I think I won only a few times but I lost only 3 times. Arif banyak menang tapi kalahnya 4 kali. Kamal paling banyak kalah. 

Last game. I won! Haha noob guyssss. Rain was slowing to pattering. I was wearing parka anyway. The guys are still at it. Should I let the loser go get it or should I just go while the rain is minimal? 

I went to my car and got the umbrellas. I returned and saw the guys already cleaned our table and put away the cups. Okay let me pee first then we go. 

Arif yang kalah btw.

And my swollen area seemed bigger. Ah. Tangan manja is what Arif said. Yup I agree. 

30

Two years ago we went high. Last year we went far. So the aim for this year is to go deep, that's why I took up diving early this year. 

But I couldn't go anywhere diving here, and the alternative is 6 ft under which is a bit too morbid for anyone's liking. 

So I met Boss and kena basuh. Deep means to be more matured and more serious, no more superficially living like a plankton. Let's hope. 

Happy birthday. I hope you're always happy. 

just go

Being postcall really brings out the uninhibited thoughts. 

I had a good talk with Hadija after work today. We sat in the MO room while the rest did the PM round. We concluded that I should apply for transfer and also for masters. 

Where to? That wasn't concluded.

I'm thinking of letting go of that Tijani condo. What's the point. Like really, what's the point. I trust my dad but really, what's the point. 

And now, I somewhat detest FB. My timeline is filled with friends selling things. It's a market there. What's the point of FB anyway? To get in touch? Yeah, probably. I'll post and wish people raya and festivities.

I have a strong desire to get away. Start from zero. Stay somewhere close to nature and just live a chill life. 

But is that the best you can do? How will you contribute? Be a community doctor? But you're good at surgery. Doctors without Borders?

I don't know. I just want to go.

What if you get lonely?

I'll have a cup of tea. 

drowning

As I was walking with Stephy yesterday, I didn't realise I breathed out I'm stressed until she asked me why I'm stressed.

What makes you think I'm stressed?

She looked perplexed. "You just told me."

I was silent for a bit. Why indeed.

"I think it's because I'm going back to Likas."

Luqman did ask me if I was really going back to the place I left but what options do I have?

There's always another option you haven't think of.

I want to discuss this with someone. Who? Luqman is a good bet but I have to go see him, this is not a conversation for extended phone calls.

Dad? At the end I've to make the decision myself.

Last night I dreamed we were at some beach and I was swimming happily. The water was calm and at some point I wanted to drown myself, but then I realise it wasn't that deep. 

It was a trip with friends, but I'm not sure who else was there. 

I got out, rinsed myself, got dressed and the plan was to rest a while before continuing on our trip. I took a turn towards my room and there was a pool, looked deserted. I walked on its ledge and then I slipped and fell into the pool. 

It wasn't that deep either. I didn't drown. 

He was there and helped me out. He seems to be the guy who always looked out for me everywhere we go. I took his hand and got out from the pool. 

He was that famous Korean guy from The Heir and Legend of the Blue Sea or something. I woke up and Googled him. His name is Lee Minho.

I wonder why it's him I saw. It wouldn't be such a ridiculous dream if it was someone else. I'm not exactly his fan anyway.

Should I go somewhere new? Should I take someone with me? Or should I go there alone, again?

leaving

Luqman is in Likas Day 3 now and bastard bored he's been giving me a call EOD. He kept asking when I'll be back in Likas.

I said later in October. I'm not rushing to go back anyway. I probably should come visit earlier to keep him company but meh.

He knows I had my depressive episode in Likas and so he asked if I'm really leaving my happiness in Lahad Datu and coming back to Likas where I was depressed once.

I told him I need to leave anyway. I shouldn't stay here any longer than a year. Maybe I should leave here and go somewhere else new.

He asked if I'm going back to HRPZ. 

Nope, I've had my happiness as a HO there. Better leave it happy memories as happy memories. 

But where to? Yeah, where to indeed. 

babies are cute

Today we did dressing for 8 months old Damia with 13% burn over her face and thorax. We discharged her on Monday with silicone dressing and she came back for her WI.

Nabil was playing with her. Staring into her eyes with a fatherly look but the kid bawled instead. I laughed at him. Her father said she didn't really like guys. 

"Camne kau nak kawin ni Damia?" I said. I then told the mom to shower her.

She did so in the toilet sink. She normally bathes in cold water at home so it shouldn't bother her much, but baby was crying anyway. 

"Kau marah kenapa?" I teased her while removing her bandages and tossed water onto her. Then I cleaned her wound with chlorhexidine. It was not painful and I know she was crying because she was upset at being manhandled, not because of the pain. She remained crying all through out the procedure. We quickly get her done and wrapped her in a dressing towel and as soon as her chin was on her mom's shoulder, the baby stopped crying entirely.

"Fake." Was what Nabil said. I laughed out loud at that.

Fake indeed, indeed. 

loneliness is not knowing who to call

This week I've been emotional. I'm annoyed a lot, I fought a lot, I ignored the people I miss and I ran away from things. I straight up criticised my colleagues and I want to cry a lot. My eyes watered easily.

I had to pause a quarter into A Whiskar Away because Miyo's obsession and fake happiness to hide her sadness was so relatable I teared up in self pity. 

Maybe I'm tired. I don't know. 

Today especially. In the morning I was complaining about a patient and my Miss said it's supposed to be our duty, don't get worked up about it. 

I realised I was being unsympathetic. I'm not usually like that. What happened to me? If I can't be a good person then I'm nothing. 

I wanted to talk to someone but I don't know who to call. Someone who will hear me out and give me a virtual pat on my head. I want a hug. Should I call Luqman? I shouldn't call Luqman. 

Should I hit the voice recorder and talk on my phone? Like what I use to do. That's so sad, don't remind me of those sad days. 

So I texted my kindest MO ever Kak Lin and afterwards cried a bit in my car. 

I wanted steak. So I went back and cooked a piece of lamb shoulder with salt and pepper in olive oil and had it with the briyani rice I leftovered from Sandakan. I took a shower and watched A Whiskar Away. 

I cried when Yori told Hinode and Isami about Miyo's broken family. How she put on a brave face when her mother abandoned her and her father remarried. I cried when Miyo broke down after Kaoru confronted her that Miyo shouldn't smile if she don't want to. 

Just a bit. Why am I like this? 

I know my parents love me. But I'm feeling really lonely now. 

Kinako said no wonder Miyo wanted to be a cat, because no one loves her. Even her parents abandoned her. 

Should I quit being a human too? How? 

No, don't. It's okay. I love you. Even if you are nothing else, even if you're suffering to be a good person, it's okay. I love you. 

i will look back and miss you but i have to go

I feel like going away. Uproot, start over. Leave everyone behind and just go somewhere, whether or not I'll meet them again. 

Just go. 

I told Nicole last week that it's better to leave on a high note, when everything is good. 

Maybe that's why I'm happy here. Because I'm here only temporarily and I want only happy memories here. So I live happily. 

And now. I feel like it's time to go.

Where? Akram invited me back as Surgical MO in HRPZ but I've happy memories as a HO there so I don't want to be back there anymore. Let that place be a happy memory, and not a place of floating as an MO.

Also. I'm kind of disheartened by Kelantan people. Guys to be exact. Maybe I'm still sore. Sure, I'm still sore.

Reminded me of the song Drops of Jupiter. 

last time i loved the moon, i shared it with you

Tonight is a full moon with a clear sky. It was so bright walking from my car to the house, so silent no dogs chasing after me. So tranquil.

Reminded me of the night we camped beside a raging river in Melangkap. Moon so bright we could see the silhouette of Akinabalu. It wasn't so quiet with the river raging at full speed and scary depth, but it was lovely.

I want another day away from here. 

dread

I've been having recurring dreams that I'm back in Likas so suddenly I left unfinished business in Lahad Datu.

I'd wake up thinking man I do not want to go back there. How would I be? Depressed? Silent all day, talking only to staff and patients? Working through lunch hour and only have dinner for meals daily?

Luqman will be there by then, so I guess I'll have an ally. But will it be like when Vicky was there, where I was angry at the world and him trying to tone me down so I don't end up dead at my own hands? I think I'll be using Luqman as my crutch.

That's bad. 

I don't know. I wouldn't know, would I? We just have to wait. But I really don't want to go back to Likas. 

At least I had my fun. I'll have memories to live by. 

laparuddin

Postcall semalam. Tak habis kerja lagi. Cuma makan keropok Kak Andi goreng dan kopi secawan. Berdiri di kaunter sementara nak sambung tulis review.

"Lapar. Nak telur dadar." Merengek sambil buat kerja. 

Berapa kali dah sebut benda ni. 

Fitri bosan dengar aku merengek. "Ye la malam ni aku gorengkan telur dadar untuk kau."

"Okay."

"Dah ada orang nak masak, doktor minta la yang sedap sikit." Kak Arlyn kata. 

"Saya nak pasta with spicy tuna." 

"Camne tu?"

"Tumis bawang, bubuh tuna flakes yang dalam minyak cili tu.." Tapi sebenarnya panjang lagi cara explain. 

Fitri confused. "Sardin?"

"Bukan sardin. Tuna."

"Susahnya. Aku orang Melayu. Kau minta makanan Itali." 

Me to Kak Arlyn. "Sebab tu saya minta telur dadar je."

Kak Arlyn gelak. Later I went home almost 5pm. Drank a bottle of liquid breakfast. Slept straight 10 hours.

Woke up and check my phone. Takde pun Fitri mesej nak hantar telur dadar. Hmm. 

sudah la tu, ur like a lovesick puppy with cancer

Yesterday Rayner asked me if I went to Arif's for raya. I wanted to ask why Arif's house he's asking and not Dija's. But I replied him that I was at his place on raya eve, day 1 and day 2 raya. 

"Nasib je day 3 raya aku oncall, kalau tak aku di sana juga kot."

Apparently other MOs have been telling them that we cook often at Arif's place.

The conversation then went down to Dickson asking if Arif's looking for a new housemate because he saw Arif advertising for a vacancy. I told him it's probably to take his place, he's transferring to Tawau.

Oh. Dickson didn't know. I thought he would. He's in their cliques of gamer, isn't he? I remember dropping off Arif's McD at Dickson's place.

Then Kak Najwa said someone said last week that I was acting weird and sad and somewhat troubled. Was it because of Arif leaving?

I paused. Then I said of course I was, how dare he leave me before I leave this place. 

These people, they're reading differently into Arif and I. I remember sitting down with Aisyah from Anaes when she asked me the gossip that I'm with him.

I trust him and I love him. More than most and so I don't want to screw our relationship up. That's why I designated him as my brother and he me as his sister. When we both part ways, I most likely wouldn't see him again because I'm just that kind of person. But I'll hit him up if I'm in Kota Bharu or Tawau and I will always be up for it if he needs anything. 

It's not something normal people will do, in our culture at least. I am attached to him. Maybe that's why people think I'm depressed because Arif is leaving. 

I don't even realise I've been so. Yeah I remember throwing a fit when I first got the news he's leaving, and that I went through all the stages of grief that night. 

But even if I really was troubled, I think it was because of H. (Refer previous posts on snippet of what happened.) 

No one makes me more serabut than my thinking of him. I have a playlist of rejected / break up songs dedicated to my feelings for him. And that included a really painful Tergantung Sepi. 

It's different from H though. With H.. I don't know. Just different. Probably how loving someone and in love with someone are two different things.

---

Today I announced in our MO group that I'm going out to get pizza and cake for Miss's birthday. Arif then PMed me saying he wants to tag along. I told him I'll pick him up at the lobby. 

We chit chat in the car, I was wondering which road to take. And we talked about how different the town feels. I haven't been in this part since MCO started. 

I told him I'm celebrating Miss's birthday because she told me she always celebrates with her family and that her mom will cook her this longevity mee suah with eggs. 

"Tapi tahun ni dia dengan kita sebab MCO. Kalau aku, aku rasa kesik."

He said I was being kind. 

"Tak. Aku tak sanggup nak biarkan orang rasa kesik."

He talked about his day at the car shop getting his bumper fixed (RM50) and additional window cover and fix his brake light that the car shop auntie talked him into buying (extra RM150). 

We went to pizza. I went inside to pick up and he waited outside for me (he wasn't wearing a mask).

I went out and he told me there wasn't any queue at Secret Recipe while taking the pizza from me and offered to put it back in the car. I gave him the pizza and my car key and went inside Secret Recipe.

He was done and he joined me in choosing a cake, also what to write on the cake. 

We waited outside for the cake. He went to the ATM. Then cake is packed and we went back to the car.

It felt nice. I rarely get out from the hospital and it felt like a little date. It was nice. I felt like telling everyone that I'm on a date with Arif. 

But Savin said it's only a date if the feeling is mutual. What feeling is that to classify it as a date? Whatever that is, it felt nice. 

He tolerated my speeding. He did use to take my keys away and drove instead because he thought my driving was dangerous. But he guarded the cake well. I was worried I'll get the cake squashed despite him holding it with my speeding to catch up with Miss but I still sped anyway. I'm hopeless. 

We parked. He carried the pizza and I the cake. It occurred to me how smoothly our interactions are. We really have good teamwork. For someone I've only met since 8 months, we really clicked well better than people I've known longer. Must be all the Tawau fiasco we went through.

Then it hit me. I want something like that with H too. Maybe I should work in the same hospital as H so we can go for short little dates like that too. 

But I'm here. And he's there. I confessed and he declined. I tried to move on but he's still a friend who occasionally ask me how I'm doing. Fuck you why would you do that when you've never done that before. 

I'm not trying hard enough. I still feel attached to him. I still listen to my rejected playlist dedicated to my feelings for him. 

We walked to our ward and set up the party (cake is safe). Then we waited for Miss at the counter, Arif chatting with Fitri and me settling some ward work before I saw him walking out from the ward.

"Gi mana be" I texted him. 

I've taken to talk to him in Kelantanese when it's just us two. He calls me kak a lot. If I call him dik I'm at risk of being condescending when we're actually at partner level. We have good teamwork. So I call him abe. 

"Bawah jap."

That was around 3.30pm and he never came back up. We ate around 5pm and I texted him if he was coming or should I tapau for him? The cake really was nice. 

He said he's going back first. I said bye.

I should say bye to H and move on too. Probably delete him off my contact.

can i call you mine

This evening I took Renji for a ride speeding to Silam. I haven't gone out that direction in almost three months and I missed the ride.

I wanted to sit down by the water and wet my feet but unexpectedly there were many cars lined up by the water including a patrol car and Glen our diver's car. Maybe it's the time when ikan segar naik.

I did a three point, stared longingly at the water, and drove back. 

I wanted a lot of things, but the things that I have are actually just down to a few. 

I have myself. 

My job. 

My car, which when I left overnight at Arif's made me realise how much of a home my car is. 

My family, but they're far. 

My freedom to explore. Decapitated by this pandemic. 

I guess that's all I have to call mine. Just myself and my job. 

second day of coveid

Second day Raya. I left my car at Arif's place yesterday because we carpooled to Kak Sitti's place while Arif was at his place entertaining Zahar and when we were done, Arif tertidur and I didn't want to call him to let me in his house. So Nabil dropped me at my place. 

Malam semalam Arif sent me dinner nasi dagang. I kinda feel bad that he had to kemas makanan himself but he didn't mind. 

Pagi tadi took Grab with Kamal to Arif's around 9.30am and he didn't reply my message that morning so I know he was still asleep. Probably main game lepas Subuh lepas tu tertidur (I was right). We neared and I called him to bukak pintu and he answered sleepily and told me he needs to shower first. I oied him to let me in first. He did. 

I set up breakfast, heated up everything, then instructed Kamal to make coffee and fry the omelette. I had to walk Kamal through how to make the omelette to my taste and he went to fry it, but Arif took over the frying part. I think he knows by now omelette is my favourite but I rarely cook them myself when we're eating together, I always get him to cook the omelette for me. 

That's my way of being bratty. I'll cook everything else and whatever they want to pamper them, but I'll get them to cook my favourite to feel pampered myself. Haha. 

Anyway, we finished off the nasi dagang and I can't stress enough how delicious it is, jual worthy and it's our first time making it. I rarely eat nasi dagang what more gulai ikan, but this I ate four plates in total. I'm so proud of Arif and I. I told him he can make them again next year and he told me then to come over to Tawau for Raya.

I didn't reply that I don't think I'll ever see him again once he's in Tawau and what more when I'm back in Likas. 

I was supposed to be seeing him until September ends but it's now shortened by two months. So yeah, I'm using whatever time I have left for happy memories. He's a brother I'm proud of. 

i wanna call you baby

I don't want to be clingy but sometimes I miss you. I think about you and all I do is pray for my forgiveness and pray for your happiness. 

So I just keep to habitual, greeting on occasions. I really do count when was the last time I texted you. 

I do realise you don't appreciate me as much as I do, but when I make moves to move on, you'll show out of nowhere. It's actually frustrating and I want to cry, but I miss you. And I guess you sporadically miss me too. I want you to always be well, I pray for you to be happy. I want you to get married so that I'm let go. 

Last night I texted you happy eid. Because the last time I initiated it was the beginning of Ramadan and I told myself the next time I initiate will be on Raya. 

And today I celebrated raya with my folks and the guys. We went to our staff nurse's house and almost as I was finishing my meal, she pointed at her younger son and said his name is yours. 

I immediately looked up with an expecting face. Almost as if I was expecting to see you and I froze because it wasn't you. 

Dija looked at me when it happened and | told her I felt sad and I didn't want to finish my food. But I did, out of politeness.

What was I thinking? Clearly I wasn't thinking. You're oncall today.

I went home and texted you a happy oncall. You replied me with an ultrasound liver with a distended gallbladder.

I miss you. But I need to move on because it's not healthy pining for someone who doesn't feel the same way.

Dear God, if he's not for me then why are You making it hard to move on? 

i do miss you sometimes. why though.

I was checking out some other guy and replying his comments on FB when suddenly out of nowhere H messaged me.

I threw my phone onto the counter. Screw you and your timing!

I stared at my phone angrily for a minute before I decided yeah I miss you too. Sometimes. Not now when I'm chatting up other guys but I shouldn't play hard to get. 

So I texted him back. Oh hi.

27 July

Syukri send me a screenshot of the transfer respond. Arif's request to transfer Tawau is granted. He's to report duty there on 27th July. 

I bet he got this from Arif. Fuck you Arif for not telling me yourself. I think he knows I'll get sad about this but argh screw you Arif. 

Two months to go yet I'm feeling depressed already. Like I didn't know this was happening. Screw it I'm gonna get lost in some wood that time, I don't want to be adult about this. 

I'm definitely gonna get lost that week. I'm gonna be moping alone sad for my 30th birthday.

The next morning. Arif texted me a single liner. 

"Dilema"

Well. He later told me he'd take a 2 weeks tunggakan and cuti the hell out of it. 

Yeah me too. I've told Dija I don't want to work the last week of July. 

my first rejection. dont worry there will be more to come

Hospital Kuala Krai call, MO Paeds refer for obstructed inguinal hernia. Tapi esok pagi nak transfer KPJ. Tak sempat cakap apa2 dia dah hang up.

Aku terkedu.
1) aku tak oncall
2) aku kerja di Lahad Datu

Laju aku call balik. Cakap dengan operator minta sambungkan kepada SCN. MO tersebut sambut..

Dan aku terjaga dari tidur. Pagi ni ada herniotomy satu, budak ni dulu obstructed hernia. Bangun la berkhidmat untuk negara...

aspirate je la

Usually when people refer me, I don't ask much. I'll just go and see the patient myself. Unless I couldn't be seeing the patient (stuck in OT or other more urgent matters) or wouldn't (phone consult for a TCA).

Today one Medical MO referred me back regarding one patient's neck lump. They're treating as smear negative TB and the only other sample left they haven't got a culture from is the neck lump. My surgeon already saw that patient and he said not to touch the neck yet, USG first. Get sample from her sputum and her ruptured axillary swelling. Both of which came back AFB not seen. 

I told her to aspirate that thing if they really want. Because Radio not granting USG while patient is warded in SARI. We don't do trucut biopsy at the neck and FNAC is just a fancy thing where I bring a lab technician and her stuffs with me while I aspirate things. 

Might as well aspirate that lump (which my surgeon palpated as a cyst) and send whatever it is they want to send. 

"Then I'm referring Surgery to aspirate it."

"You're referring me to aspirate that thing je?" 

I frowned but my tone was even, pressing on the "je". I couldn't believe what I was hearing. They do neck central lines, they tap here and there. But they're referring me just to poke an unchanged swelling with a blue needle.

"Yes. Medical are stupid like that."

I never said that and never thought of that. Woah. This girl degrading herself so much for sarcasm or what? What's her deal. 

At that point I stopped saying anything and just let her talk. Which she then said she'll document this and this as Surgical input, to monitor the progression of the swelling, get USG as outpatient and will refer back if indicated. I told her the USG outpatient was already the plan when my surgeon saw the patient and she can just give the patient TCA SOPD with that USG. 

They started ATT already. What difference does it make now? 

SARI is being handled like COVID. I help prepare the PPEs and our hospital production is 'kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang' so I know how precious the PPEs are. Dude my fingers hurt from getahkan all those boot covers and long cap so I'm not going to simply go see patients in COVID or SARI ward, don a PPE for a quick non urgent procedure any doctors can do and then ciao. 

Nope.