checking up

The next working day after his outburst, Arif came to work grinning awkwardly how did his friends knew what happened and he asked me what did I tell Fitri.

I asked Fitri to check up on you, to make sure you were okay. And only because Fitri insisted that I told him that you fought with Miss. That was all.

I just needed to know he's okay. He's a kid, who knows he got himself into physical trouble just to rid off his emotional trouble. I've been there. 

Today I was postcall and escorted a patient to Tawau. Got back here almost 9pm. I bought Arif his favourite Spicy Chicken McDeluxe and got myself the same, but I also bought myself chicken, fries and a pie. 

I asked Arif if he thinks he could finish two. 

Why? 

Because I'm too sleepy to eat mine. I still have a chicken and an apple pie. 

He said he could. So I gave him mine. 

We parted at the parking lot. I got into my car and just sat there quietly. Scrolled though my SNS and tried to regain consciousness enough to drive back, fighting the urge to just sleep in the car. I think I did a good half hour of doing nothing in the car before I started the engine and head back. 

In my room. Changed into pyjama. Did my laundry. Sat at my table and had my chicken and pie while watching TROS videos. 

Then Fitri called. 

Tiq. 

Hmm? 

Arif asked me to check up on you. Are you asleep in your car? 

Ah. Did he not just drive off? They know I've that habit of sleeping in my car on postcalls even though my house is not even 10 minutes drive away. I've done that three times already this three months I'm in Lahad Datu. Don't worry, I never sleep with the engine on. 

Nope. 

Really? 

I'm in my room now. 

Okay. Bye. 

Thanks. Bye.

I hung up. There was a swell in my heart thinking I've got some real family here. 

I later texted him that I did froze off in my car almost half an hour, and thanked him for checking up on me. 

I took diving licence with Glen of Pirate Divers

"Berapa lama nak duduk dekat ceruk tu." 

"Setahun kan ma."

"Kena setahun ke."

What kind of question is that, you helped send me off kan. But I didn't say anything. 

"Ika lapar nak gi makan."

"Makan dengan siapa."

"Sorang."

"Tak dating dengan sesiapa ke sana." 

"Tak."

Well Fitri wanted to date me and I'm sure if I ask him to have dinner with me he'll say yes if he's not working. But I'm hesitant. We work together, I don't want to cause any trouble here. That, and I fancy Hannan. 

"Kenapa tak? Kawan-kawan dekat sana?" 

"Ika memilih!"

"Memilih apanya!" 

I think mom is beyond worried. I'm far, alone, almost 30. Haha. I don't worry about myself. 

I don't think I really care about myself. When I went diving, the thing I thought was "It's okay even if you die, just relax."

pali is a pelesit

One time Pali drove the three of us girls to lunch. I sat at the passenger seat behind him and played Nonogram on my phone. Then I felt him going fast. I peaked over his shoulder and confirmed that he was going 100 km/h in the city.

I wanted to play on my phone and not see where he was going, so I put on my seatbelt. 

Pali heard me buckling up. 

"Seatbelt Tiqah?" He chuckled disbelieved.

"Aku percayakan kau. Tapi aku nak main fon. Malas nak focus on the road."

He complained that I didn't trust his driving and the girls were laughing. I don't have any issue with speeding, I mean I speed all the time and I really do trust him. 

But buckling up is buckling up. Even Pali was buckled up.

Of course we got there safely with me playing on my phone the entire time. And for the ride home I immediately put on my seatbelt and played my game again. 

priorities

Iman Khairy

Ali Nasrullah

Sarah Rumi

I wanna get married and have kidsss

I've got names for them alreadyyy hahaha

Haish. 

sore throat dry cough, should i rule out ptb

I started my oncall yesterday with throat so sore like a sandpaper. But I still needed to talk, and my staffs and patients have been patient with me.

Fitri kept me company and made sure I have enough PCM supply. I have been taking them regularly since the morning. He kept telling me I need to rest and take MC cm but only loser takes MC hahahaha. I told him I needed ice cream more. He said we'll go get them after work today. 

Arif came to work today and PMed me. 

Kakak

Breakfast

Pantry 4B

I thought he messaged the group but he messaged me. He bought his usual roti jala kari ayam, karipap and popia goreng. I haven't had proper meals because of my sore throat but this is Arif. The least I would do is keep him company. 

We did our rounds and took the elevator to go to the 6th floor. One of our patient's wife entered it and she saw me. 

Doktor masih belum balik lagi? Kasihannya you. 

Haha.. I laughed meekly. 

Suara you sudah okay kah? 

Auntie rasa bagaimana? 

Ya saya sudah boleh dengar suara doktor. 

I laughed and thanked her. My friends all laughed pitifully at me. My surgeon didn't say anything maybe she didn't hear our conversation. 

But I felt cared for. Thank you everyone. 

lived a life

Had a 94 years old gentleman who came with strangulated inguinal hernia. Clerked his premorbid history from his daughter.

"Ayah saya ini kuat berjalan. Tiap hari dia ke bandar minum di kedai kopi. Dia merokok 2 bungkus satu hari."

"Wow banyaknya!" I was genuinely impressed with this grandpa living the life.

"Kami sudah larang dia tapi dia degil."

I laughed at the daughter. "Umur dia 94 sudah, biar lah dia buat apa dia mahu!"

#theunapologeticdoctor

I'm so tired

5 days travelling

that time Pali craniectomy a Urea 30 plus

I have major respect for Fadhly after assisting him tonight. 

Patient was bleeding, tachycardic, BP dropping. His hands were shaking and he was cursing. Once I told him to istighfar but he didn't hear me and kept the F and S word when the bleeders kept on spurting. So I istighfar for the team instead.

And his hands were shaking. I told him to rest his hands on something to steady them and offered my knuckle. It's something I learned from Boss because I have tremors too.

We were five scrubbed in and we have no surgeon in Lahad Datu. We have no backups. We only have each other. So yeah, Fadhly can unintentionally get me into trouble with Miss and I would take it for him because I have major respect for him and he would back me up any other day.

Also because he apologised to me, haha.

It was a 58 years old gentleman with severe CAP intubated for few days with poor GCS recovery. ICU noted ICB today with midline shift. They referred to Miss who told Fadhly to go in. Fadhly didn't want to because of the poor prognosis but he didn't voice out to Miss. We ended closing in a hurry.

Dija and Fadhly closed the dermis with glial and I started closing the skin even before they finished their layer because Xi Jin and Arif already commenced CPR. It was my first time closing with CPR ongoing. We cannot let the patient die on table. He ROSC after 15 minutes and we pushed him back to the ICU.

We did what we could. And he died 4 hours post op.

Let's go eat

Kena dengan Miss harini for something I did because Fadhly told me to. She voiced out in our group lengthily and I can't say Fadhly's name because that's not what we do. He's my teammate, I'll take one for him.

I waited a bit to see if Fadhly would reply but I guess he was asleep from being postcall. I replied "okay Miss" per usual and I told myself to be fibrosed like what FadhArifSyuk been doing but I still felt like crying.

So we went for lunch. Left alone I probably would have wallow in self pity. I want to be cheered up. Please cheer me up. 

I thought who should I call. My dad? He's working. Kak Elli? Working too. Can I call Hannan? I can't call Luqman, can I?

While waiting for my food to arrive I imagined myself in Kota Belud, jumping into the river and cold water ran through me. I can feel it. It was consoling a bit. Dunked my head in again, ah so nice. 

I want to go a river again. 

And then my message pinged. 

"Sorry Tiqah" 

Was a message from Fadhly. I grinned. Thank you for apologising, I know you would. 

"No worries"

Where R U From

I got a call tonight. Which I've been waiting for since I get here. But I didn't get any meaning he must be busy or he must have known I'm okay with being here.

Anyway I got a call. It was 26 minutes while he was watching the game. At one point he asked "When are you going back?" and I paused long before I answered. 

"Where do you mean, back?" Kota Bharu? Likas? 

He meant KB. So I told him earliest probably January for Syukri's wedding.

---

I had the same confusion back during my birthday when we were at the Dannok Immigration. The officer asked me "Dari mana?" and during that split second as I stared at him clueless and turning to Umair for help before Umair answered for me. 

"Dari Kangar."

When we passed that point, Umair said

"Aku dah agak mesti kau blur nak jawab kerja di Sabah balik Kota Bharu drive bercuti ke Perlis."

LD is where the heartbrokens are

Sometimes I think I'm too heart broken to do anything more. Besides focusing on my job, no strings attached, living a nomadic life on the weekends and getting depressed how difficult it is to mobilise when I'm solo. But doing nothing about it. 

Go with the flow, take what life gives me. 

But I think I might have hurt people too with my nonchalance. 

I sleep in my car

I was telling mom my oncalls here are tiring half of my postcalls I will work the whole day, punch out after Maghrib and sleep in my car in the hospital parking lot and wake up later midnight or near Subuh to drive back.

It's dangerous. 

I was so tired and it's more dangerous to drive exhausted.

Why not sleep in the hospital?

Where, the oncall room? That's where the oncall people will sleep.

Why not get your friend to drive you home?

What kind of illogical suggestion is that?

So it's more logical to sleep in the carpark?

Yes. The car is shut off. 

What if something happens to you in the car? You're alone right.

I'm in the car, of course I'm alone. 

Some more disapproving words. We're not achieving anything from this conversation. You're disapproving of me but you're not giving me a doable option. It's like when Hadi told me to don't go wander off alone. I'm effing bored here, I'm bored of sleeping in. But I don't have friends of equal adventurous spirit as mine, the only option is to wander off alone. 

And this time, I'm too tired to drive, so my logic is I sleep in the car. I don't turn on the engine. Why is that a problem? What do you want me to do? 

But I didn't tell her that. I just told her it's okay mom, send my regards to everyone.

I went back inside where my team was. Arif asked me who referred?

It's not a referral. I'm not even oncall. 

What's it about?

Nothing. Just end up in a fight. 

The day Likas disown me

I was throwing tantrums all day today.

It started when I realise Mr. Ashok removed me from the Specialist and MO WhatsApp group. I was then doing rounds and I stopped, aghast. What? Why?

They're my team. I'm in Lahad Datu yes but they're my team. How can they remove me from the group?

I told Arif. He laughed and said that means I'm gonna be permanent here in Lahad Datu. 

But I don't understand. Why? Because I'm not involved in patients managements so they kick me from the group? But I'm part of Paed Surgery Likas.

Fine. Fine. I'm walking out. I retaliated by removing myself from the MO group, the clinic groups and the CVL group. And then I deleted Mr. Ashok from my contact list.

They're disowning me. It's like when my house was on fire and I was displaced for that whole month. Not belonged to anywhere. 

It didn't help that Paeds been calling me during rounds and I expected this is going to be a pissy day, so I warned my colleagues.

"I'm throwing tantrums today. Thank you for being patient with me."

I was kept busy until noon, and I wanted to wallow in self pity or something, but they dragged me to lunch. Arif waited to drive me and he called twice, so I had no choice but to humour him. 

In the car was Fadhly. He greeted me with a 

"Noob la kena kick dari group. Apa kau dah buat? Lain kali diam-diam je la. Noob."

I wanted to say "fuck off" but I glared him so hard and considered kicking the back of his seat.

So I replied "Aku tak sure samada nak sepak atau tampar kau. Aku senyap je, tak pernah tulis sepatah pun sejak aku datang sini."

"Noob la." He joked. 

"Dah jangan cakap dengan aku dah pasal ni." And so I faceplanted myself onto the passenger seat. Fadhly said something but I didn't reply. I really was upset. 

They left me alone. I ate my food in silence. But then Luqman replied my text and told me

"Grow up Tiq. That's immature."

and I almost threw my phone. Fadhly saw. He's brilliantly observant you see. I replied 

"I hate you."

and fucking Luqman replied "It's okay to hate temporarily."

and I almost threw my phone again. I was listless. I forced down my food and later got up to call Kak Elli but her line was not available. Why la whyyy. 

Arif drove us back. I sat in the back forlornly, looking outside. But Fadhly didn't let it go. 

"Apsal muka stress sangat tu. Kau buat je la group baru, jangan add Mr. Ashok tu."

I grinned, half exasperated that he's still talking about this somewhat jokingly and half amused he's actually doing something to cheer me up. That suggestion really cheered me up. 

So I did what I wanted to do. I threw Arif's neck pillows at him. All two of it, I threw at him. Fadhly laughed a bit before throwing them at the back seat. 

Yeah I cheered up a bit. I actually texted him "Thanks Padly."

Before I was crestfallen again. I mean, they're my team and they disowned me. 

We talked about this post op, over porridge and cake in the OT pantry. I told them how I felt. Although I wanted to run from Likas, actually being removed from the group, my only link, the single thread tying me to Likas.. It sucks. Really sucks. 

But I didn't dare ask why was I removed. Because it'd be the end of me if it was actually an order from Boss. 

Fadhly again. "Noob."

I turned to him with a semi snarl semi grin. "Aku harap sangat aku ni lelaki, atau kau perempuan. Because I really want to headlock you right now."

But I made light of it. Talking about it made me feel better. 

And so Fadhly again. "Noob." 

I pushed my chair backwards and made a swift move in front of him, ready to pounce. He actually flinched backwards, with a grin on his face. I laughed. 

"Stop calling me noob!" 

We finished our snacks and decided to go to KFC for dinner. On my way out I bowed at him "Terima kasih Fadhly." Because I felt lighter. 

But him being a bastard. "Terima kasih apa? Noob la kau ni."

I jumped in front of him in tantrum. "Stop calling me noob!" 

I couldn't really finish my food. Still a bit wallowing. A lot. 

"Aku takde mood nak makan." I said since they pointed out I was only eating ice cream, my drink and fries. I still have the chicken and Twister left. 

"Kau makan apa je? Makan hati?" 

"Haah."

We laughed. But I really did feel disowned. 

"The problem is, kau overthink sangat. Peduli apa."

That felt like a slap. Yeah I am. I am overthinking. Because I'm attached to them. But I'm not. And I shouldn't. 

Okay Fadhly. Okay. 

We still have one laparotomy to go. Arif told me to rest since I'm oncall tomorrow but

"Fadhly masuk, kau masuk. Aku kena la masuk, aku kan yang ketiga. Kita kan satu team, cukup la Likas disown aku jangan la kau pun disown aku!" 

"Ha yeee Tiqah jom sekali, kau kena join kami, kita kan satu team!" 

Before we all laughed stupidly in the car on the way to dinner. 

But after dinner, Fadhly told me to rest since I'm oncall tomorrow. I don't want to listen to him but he has a point. 

I have overnight to grow up. 

161019 - First oncall General Surgery in Lahad Datu

Terrible hahahahahaha oh my God. Don't get me started how bad it was, I even had an incident reporting done. I was also having terrible abdominal pain, loose stool and vomiting all day likely culprit being the siput tarik Syuk, Pali and I had for dinner last night.

I couldn't kick them when they tease me because I'm just so spent. Abang2 basically dragged me out to have late lunch, which I vomited out as well at the restaurant itself. I can still remember their worried faces amidst my eyes all red from retching.

Postcall the nurses reported to my abang2 how I vomited at night, threw out the ORS because it tasted like sea water, stuck in ED all night, and didn't eat the food they bought me. They frowned disapproving before later got me to eat more food.

Everyone covered for me in the morning and I didn't get it that badly from my Miss. Syukri snapped a picture of me slumped on the chair and like the bastard he is, he went and send it to our Paed Surgery group.

They started calling me budak/baby. Guess it fits my status as Paed Surgical trained.

I transected a cystofix catheter

I screwed up big time. I thought how my Miss will react when I confess to her what I did. How she'll scream at me, how a danger I am, how I'm not functional here, how I'm expected to square up and clean up my mess, how I wouldn't be allowed to do oncalls again, how I should return and be a burden to Mr Mughni back again.

It's okay, I understand if she does.

So I told my colleagues what I did and bowed my thanks to them. Thank you for this three weeks, it was a pleasure and I'm so happy to have worked with you. Thank you for the memory.

They said I'm being dramatic. Maybe I am. But I did make a mistake, so I need to face the repercussion. Let's go find Miss and confess.

What I didn't expect was my Miss to be so calm when I met her in her office. She told me what to do about it, she told me what I could have done better, and lastly she said

"Memorable oncall. I also cut (that) once or twice." And brushed it off.

Wow. All those anxiety.

Later I ran back to ward where my abang and bapak already bought food for me.

Gastritis

Two years in Likas I'm accustomed to not eating and I never get gastritis.

Two weeks in Lahad Datu and I'm eating well at least once a day.

And today, my first oncall. By 2pm I was still stuck in Red Zone and I'm doubling over because my stomach hurts so much from only a cup of coffee and last meal at 8pm yesterday.

Syukri came after his lunch and took me to the hospimart to buy me snacks, because I was leading us back to ward. I forgot we have a hospimart here.

Wolfed down two packet of milk and Syukri opened a biscuit packet for me with a disapproving glare.

"Aku rasa macam dah jadi bapak budak."

Thanks bro. I did ask him to buy me lunch but there was no porridge at Happy Spoon so he didn't get me anything. I feel kind of useless. I know I'm bad at taking care of myself but this is to the extend of actually hurting myself.

I went up to ward and got myself a T. Ranitidine.

Going for prayers now. It's asar already, there goes my zohor. Stomach still hurts.

Day idk already

"Harith tak nak?" Fadhly asked me.

"Tak boleh, sebab adik aku nama Harith. Sebiji ejaan. Jadi incest gitu."

They made wtf faces.

---

"Okay aku nak ngorat kau la." I looked at Fadhly once and then looked away.

---

They dropped me off and then suddenly Syukri called me out from the car.

"Tiqah, tu Shahmi MO Ophthal."

I turned to see who he was gesturing at. The guy looked skinny and small. Can't do. I faced back Syukri to see what was his point.

"Dia single lagi. Kau tak nak dia?"

I stared at him for a second, saw Fadhly's stupid grin from his driver seat and I broke into a grin. Aku nak yang sebelah kau was what I was gonna say, but I just shook my head and walked away. Enough for today.

---

Fadhly and Syukri were both annoying and I kept on glaring between the two of them. Fadhly because he left me straining the was-120kg dead-weight patient alone and my wrists hurt for real and Syukri because he's never not a bastard.

"Kenapa Tiqah?" Fadhly grinned at me when he caught me glaring. The nerve. Was gonna say just because I like you doesn't mean I don't want to kill you. But I shook my head.

"Aku tak boleh nak decide nak tikam jugular kau ataupun jugular Syukri."

Priya helped. "You have two hands, do both at the same time."

---

Stupid Syukri hinted to pair me with Hadija wtf I'm straight. "Orang Bugis minta hantaran RM30k."

"Aku ada RM30k. Kalau orang Tumpat minta berapa?"

The both of us turned to Fadhly. "Tahu Pali. Orang Tumpat minta berapa?"

there's so much that we can do, and then there's some

One of the earliest chronic patient I encountered in Lahad Datu was this gentleman named Atan. His nephew was also one of the last patients I have in Likas. They were videocalling when Atan mentioned my name to his sister-in-law who immediately recognized me.

Anyhow back to Atan. He had a fall years ago and was bedridden since. Non local, unemployed and divorced. He came to us because of suprapubic pain with hematuria and we found a huge ass stone in his bladder. We irrigated and transfused countlessly and finally explored the bladder to take the menace out. Post op he recovered somewhat well considering his kidney was failing.

He was puffed up, still hematuric, renal profile was climbing, malnourished and his POD 3 wound had a small gap. But we have removed the stone that was causing him pain and now he wanted out.

"My bill is 20k already, are you going to pay for it?" He asked me.

Of course I'm not. I couldn't and I shouldn't. So we discharged him at his own risk.

I punched out for the day and heard my name being called. It was him in a wheelchair and his sister at the lobby. He pointed out at his abdomen, where his SPC was leaking hematuria.

"Is this okay?" He asked me.

Obviously not, I thought. I should open the dressing but we were in public and I am not touching that with my bare hands. Should I wheel him back to ward? I looked at him and I knew the answer already.

 
"What do you want to do?" I asked him back.

He went home that day. Much later we heard the news he passed away. He was with family and I hope he was happy in his final days. Al-fatihah Atan.

Running on Voltage

I wanna whine how exhausted I am.

Monday noon. Nenek passed away. I took the 4.10pm LDU-BKI and 6pm plus BKI-KUL. Arrived KUL at 8.30pm and Mira drove us to Melaka. Arrived at 11pm.

Tuesday came and I think I slept at 2am. Woke up at 5pm. Funeral day. Evening went to Semenyih, Chik's. Crashed at 11pm.

Wednesday today. Woke up at 3am. KUL-SDK flight at 5am.

The hours don't count because the sleep was shitty. I needed to stay awake, in case I sleep and miss my SDK-LDU flight. Couldn't sleep anyway, there's something about sleep deprivation that ironically prevents you from sleeping. I needed coffee. Refused to pay RM6 for a regular Nescafe at the airport so I chose to pay RM19 for a large Voltage at Gloria Jean's.

Maybe I'm dehydrated. My head hurts.

Almost 11am. Read through the work updates, saw a 9 years old admitted on Abang's oncall Monday with prenephric collection in septic shock. Perforated appendicitis? It's always a perforated appendicitis unless proven otherwise. Saw they operated the kid yesterday and today planning for Medivac to Likas.

Called up Syukri asking if the kid sent over yet. I was hoping to read the files. He said kid just sent over.

He asked when I'm coming back. I said I'm waiting for my LDU flight. He said to call him and he'll fetch me from the airport. I thought walking back from the airport might do me good, I should shower pray and sleep all afternoon.

He said there's a PGU going in soon and I should join.

That sounds like a bad idea and I'm tired as shit, but I'll do that.

I brought home a betta fish

Walk this with me yeah?

I bought a male betta fish today. It's red and orange with specks of blue.

It's alone in it's 15cm tall, 7cm diameter plastic bottle and I put a mirror on one side. But this guy has been swimming up and down agressively like it's manic or something, before calming down for a bit. I wonder if betta fish gets crazy from being lonely.

I haven't name it yet. I was thinking of naming it Lobster because it's orange and I can say I have a pet Lobster. I asked friends on Instagram and Kudus suggested Sunshine, quite aptly named except it's a male and a manic one. Nisa suggested Fury and yeah, suits it too.

Maybe I should name it Youngbae because it's small but agressive and it's coloured like the sun (Taeyang).  

Day 3

My surgeon on MC today and she messaged in the group "Atiqah please go see the patient in SCN, if need to discuss with Mr. Mughni."

Ah damn. I'm here for General Surgery rotation but as warned by Ms. Hazlina I might be pushed to cater the Paed Surgery cases.

Anyway I went to the SCN alone today. Made friends with the MOs there, I only remember Kelvin's name because he walked me through the cases we were referred to.

And then by PM all of them were aware there's a Paed Surgical trained MO here.

"Wahh senang la nak refer lepas ni!"

"Jangan gitu, aku sini untuk General Surgery rotation. Jangan bagitahu Faizul!"

"Aku bagitahu semua orang sekarang."

Boleh gaduh gini hahaha.

They have a ward adopted child. A five months old kid with HIE. Her mom was a primid who passed away from PPH or something. PMC, family abandoned the child after knowing her poor prognosis.

She looks clean, good built, too thriving actually for a five months old. Chesty a bit haha. Need more frequent suction. The MOs had her on their lap while they were doing discharges.

I think I might snuck around just to coo at her. Gonna ask her name cm.

---

Lunch with the boys again. Us MOs in charge of 4A. We ordered and the three idiots pulled out their phone and started a game of PUBG. Hahaha.

I've been friends with Syukri since my fifth posting O&G, where he was a third poster but longer in O&G than I was so he was my senior then. He's annoying as hell, talkative as shit and he knows my family haha. Bastard is Hadi's junior in USIM. He's the one who convinced Mr. Mughni to send me to Lahad Datu.

I have to credit him for how liberated I feel now that I'm in Lahad Datu. I'm more loose and laid back, I feel lighter. Probably because he's known me since HOship so I can use my HO persona now, not the stuck up worried MO I was back in Likas. Also probably because I'm just a new MO here in Lahad Datu, "first day" as I will tell everyone. Nothing to lose.

Arif is a two months MO here and he's two years younger than me. He's from Melor and he did his housemanship in Sandakan, imagine that.

"Kau lari dari awek di Kelantan ya? Pastu kau tinggalkan awek lama di Sandakan, sekarang kau ada awek Lahad Datu pulak kan?"

"Wow macam mana kau tahu!"

"Berapa orang dah awek Lahad Datu kau?"

"1, 2, 3, 4 kosong."

I laughed. We were just messing around. I call him Abang because he's two months senior than me in General Surgery but he calls me back Kakak and insisted he's most junior. Eh jangan berebut boleh?

Day 2

Woke up to Luqman asking me how LD is treating me. I told him briefly about my first day.

Kicked my colleague because that damn Syukri said "gemuk juga ya kau ni" effing so so annoying.

Skipped lunch to send mom to airport. Sobs.

Went straight back to the hospital and did a trucut biopsy before I even observe one.

Spent almost 4 hours in ward resuscitating a urosepsis with four other MOs. We're so single, lifeless MO district.

We're done and they promised me we'll all go out for dinner but the idiots are now rooted in their seat playing PUBG. Idiots I'm hungry I want my nasiiiiiiiii.

Atago-san

I suggested we go to Atago-san because of the Hakata Bay view from up there. Also I wanted to try their fancy matcha kakigori, and the fact that Atago Shrine is symbolic of fire protection. I've been in a fire, so yeah.

We hiked up there. Luqman was smoking all the way and I willed myself to not pant. With that kind of chain-smoking how the hell is he still so fit?

We went up to the shrine and I washed my hands per their routine, adding on my own face washing. I stopped in front of the water area and admired the fact that all religions advocate cleanliness.

The view was admirable. I bet sunset and sunrise here be pretty, because it's a hill facing the sea for sunset and behind it is the mountains for the sunrise. I'll come here again next time for those.

We went to the shrine's fancy Japanese cafe. Luqman had azuki mochi and hot tea like the old man he is, smoking again. I had the matcha kakigori with azuki bean that I wanted. It came with sparklers and it was a pretty summer. I took a video of it.

The bitter sweet of the matcha paired with the fulfilling azuki beans. There's a specific taste to their kakigori, salty a bit. And the ice shape. They looked like Christmas. I heard they're made from hot spring water or something.

Perfect summer.

Luqman paid for our tea. It was more expensive than our brunch. He asked me if I know of this place and their menu. I gave him a smirk. Of course, what did he take me for?

Today I had Green Mug with Mizah. I didn't want coffee lest I couldn't sleep until 2am again, so I looked at their non tea selection. Yeah their red tea is nice.. oh wait they have matcha.

"I'll have the matcha with cheese please."

Making LD official

It was super easy to get the Pengarah to sign my letter of posting in Lahad Datu.

"I don't really understand this but if you want to do it, then you do it. Thank you for serving the people here and in Lahad Datu. It's good that you want to be a lady who can cut."

"Actually my parents aren't really approving." I was referring to me going to Lahad Datu.

"Me too, I wouldn't let my daughter be a surgeon." He laughed.

"If you think this is something that you can do, then you do it. You will need the skills to pass through exams and do your best."

I left his office soon after. So jovial this Pengarah. Now what do I do with this letter?

I can never say that you don't care

"Did you get your umbrella? Don't leave your umbrella again."

"How are the trainees? Are they bullying you?"

"Are you home?"

"Did you meet your brother?"

"Did you get to post your parcel?"

Things I wish I can talk to my dad or my Boss about

Pa, I'm not happy here. I don't know if this is depression talking or what, but I'm not happy.

Because of that, I'm not doing my best. And when I'm not doing my best, I become not proud of myself. And I'm lagging behind in progress at work and it shows.

All I ever want in my life is to be happy and live proud. Which I am neither at this moment.

I want to quit. But what do I do if I quit? It's like in a toxic relationship where you don't leave because you don't know where to go, you don't know if you can survive without the other. I know that, maybe that's why I want to quit.

If I'm not quitting then I need to leave. I can't wait to leave this place. If I can leave tomorrow I'll just go. But leaving needs paperwork and moving things and God, why only good people die early? Why am I not one of them?

You texted me today and my eyes watered thinking how should I say this to you. You're not here, you'll just be worried about me. And I don't know how to help myself what more what kind of help should I seek.

The thing that you texted me was about that pre-Master program exam. How about that, dad? How can I tell you I want to quit when you're sending me a pre-Master program exam flyer? When you told me "might as well take it".

I wanted to ask you if you'll still be proud of me if I quit, but I know the answer and I don't want to disappoint you. You'll still love me either way because you're a good father and I'm your daughter, but I'm sure you'll be disappointed even a little bit. Even I am disappointed in myself.

What do I do? I want to cry, maybe I'll feel better. Maybe this is depression talking, but why am I depressed? Can I not handle stress? How did I survive Egypt if I'm succumbing to this?

And I hope Allah will make me happy as much as I'm making someone else happy

Here again. I'm here, staring at the empty space to write. Should I tell you about my day? Let me just tell you how it ended. It ended with me sad. Alone and sad. I was then wearing a mask because I was sleepy postcall but then I was grateful I had my mask on because I was sad.

There I was at 5.30pm. We finished rounds and everyone left to go home, but I'm OT tomorrow and there were six patients waiting to be taken consent from.

I was postcall. I was sleepy, tired, I only had a cup of coffee and two curry puffs all day, and I still have work to do.

I kept trying to calm myself but ugly thoughts ran through my head. It's my responsibility anyway because it's my OT tomorrow. I didn't get any help and I didn't ask for any help. I don't know how to ask for help.

The worst thing is that, when I'm oncall the OT people leave the consent taking to me. That's what made me feel so lonely and sad.

So I stood there silently with my mask on and tears gathering in my eyes.

Date me #2

I came to work today and after rounds with Boss, Mijah called me if I wanted nasi lemak or scrambled eggs. I laughed sheepishly at her. She's pampering me.

She later showed up at my ward with a bag of McD. I was heading to PSICU but I let her in the MO room and finished my coffee and hash brown while she finished her nasi lemak. She just finished her rounds with her boss and due to go home for a sleep. Haha. We finished our breakfast joyfully, then I hugged her and we parted.

She texted me when I was in PSICU saying she wants to crash in my oncall room waiting for her referral case. I said sure.

After I was done at PSICU with Munis, we walked back to our ward. Munis's postcall stuffs still in the room. I remembered Mijah so I told him

"Oh. Dalam bilik MO ada tetamu."

Munis looked excited. We walked up to ward and I ran ahead of him to heads up Mijah that a guy is entering, but the room was empty. I blinked at it and back to Munis.

"Mana tetamu Atiqah?"

"Entah." I grinned and ran off to the counter in case she was there, but she wasn't.

Munis joined me at the counter. "Siapa tetamu Atiqah? Yang Elango kata tu ke?"

I blinked before I realized his implication and I laughed. "Bukan, lain."

"Lain gender?"

I shook my head. I kind of like the idea of it. "Malas la explain." I laughed.

Munis looked on funny and gossiped with the counter nurses about my boyfriend. He went back, but soon he came back to the ward saying he forgot to take his laptop. He was deliberating in front of the door so I told him

"Masuk je, takde orang."

He grinned at me. "Mana Atiqah sorok tetamu ni?"

I laughed at him.

Later after I got a moment to finish my breakfast, I realized that's probably how doctors date. Stealing moments to care for each other.

Compensation

When I tell my friends I'm going to Lahad Datu, they all pity me because it's so far. Not their fault though, I do actually feel sorry for myself. I do feel a tiny bit (okay, a lot) cast away, far far away.

But duty calls. Whatever.

And they always tell me "maybe you'll find your jodoh there."

Like really, everyone is saying that. Like that's the only compensation I can and should get for being cast away so so far away. Haha.

I guess it's true. I hope so. I do want to meet you. I can't wait to meet you. I want to have dinner with you. I also have work to do, but I can't wait to meet you.

---

On another note. I'll write about my 29th birthday later.

Date me

My registrar Elango once saw me coming to work with my ring on and he asked

"Eh Atiqah are you married?"

"Nope." I replied with an echo, dropped my bag and went to round.

Since then he has been pestering me about my boyfriend and getting me to admit I have one. I really wish I can but I don't lie, lies are complicated to remember.

So today my other registrar Munis asked me if I can switch my Sunday oncall with his Saturday oncall, but I told him I can't because I've already make plans. (I am going hiking with Nisa tomorrow.)

"Her boyfriend is coming tomorrow." Elango took a shot with a grin in my direction.

I decided to humour him. "Yes he is."

"Your boyfriend is coming?" Munis asked in elation.

"Yeah that's why I initially didn't want to take Vebster's Sunday oncall."

"You should go somewhere, get your boyfriend to cook you something."

"I might." I nodded. I was imagining Seungri being all domestic. Hahaha.

We went back to rounds and Elango kept pestering me on where I am going because he wanna go there and pester my date hahaha like I'll tell.

Rebel without a cause

I've always had this habit of cutting my bangs off whenever I'm tensed, or disturbed, or whatever. Hold a scissors to my forehead and snip. It's probably a subtle way at body harming because I'm at my limit in hell but I don't want to go to hell for real. So I cut my hair instead.

But things escalated.

First it's the tattoo-like henna I had drawn over my forearm. It was in December and Ara suggested we get hennaed because it was almost her wedding day. I had a tribal design hennaed over my wrist, just hidden under my long sleeve because I have work and tattoos aren't allowed in our professional conduct. RM 15 from a booth set up in the middle of Imago. Their store was in Karamunsing but I forgot to get the details. Mr. Ashok commented it was pretty and I told him I had it done for a wedding.

Then it was Jiha's wedding in March or so and I had a dreamcatcher drawn over the whole length of my forearm flexor. In bright red, RM 20 from PinkyToes Nail Spa in Centre Point. Chung said I had tattoos now. I didn't deny.

And then last weekend. I just had to. Went to Centre Point three times just to get it done (first PinkyToes was closing, second the shop wasn't up and open yet, third they effing ran out of henna dammit) before I went to the more expensive but too floral designed Pretty Hennababy in Centre Point. Paid RM50 for a floral design over the whole of my flexor in black.

I loved my first one best. This third one looked like I drew on my forearm with a Sharpie. Anaes MOs kept commenting did I get tattooed or something and I pulled down my sleeve in response. That day in OT I kept thinking what Jiyong's mom once told him

"If you get any more tattoos you will look like a dirty beggar."

I really did feel like a dirty beggar and I scrubbed it off this morning before work. Lasted only six days. Plus I had a bruise nearby it from the lid of the biohazard bin closing onto my forearm and it was hideously purple and the whole thing just made my forearm looked like a mess.

But then tonight I plastered a temporary tattoo on my arm. What the heck is going on with you?

Second it was the hair dyeing thing. My hair is burgundy close to a dirty dark shade of purple now. I first had it coloured when Nisa suggested we had it done just for fun. When was that again?

Then I dyed it again in April because I was damn stressed with the exam. And then again today, because I want it bright red before I turn 29.

The bad thing about looking young is I forget I'm old and only getting older. I'm gonna be 29 after this weekend and damn me do I know how old that is? Let's not even talk about accomplishment. What do I have to brag about?

Yeah that's it. Nil, nada.

We're being sent away because you're manja

Today I was excited and pumped to plan for the rest of the year.

And evening come with news that we might be sent to Lahad Datu instead of Keningau, and you sulked because LD is far.

There's a reason why we haven't been to LD yet. It's too far to drive to. Yeah. So?

With your mood, I guess planning ahead is something we'll take slow.

Just go sleep. Think about celebrating the first anniversary of The Great Seungri tomorrow. Think about the roadtrip next week. Think about where to get the best sunset in Fukuoka.

I don't need a reason to love them but

What little time I've spent with the Limbang Princes has been eye opening.

Pofin and Faez may be idiots but clinically I trust them. They've always been one of the most reliable colleagues I have when we were in HRPZ and as MOs they're the ones who established the ETD Department in Limbang. Faez is basically their HOD.

And career wise they are driven. The first question Pofin asked me when I met them yesterday was "So Atiqah, apa progress?"

They sat for BSE last month or so. Results out in a week. And next week or so they're going for Masters entrance exam. What do you know. They're still the laid back idiots I know and love but professionally they're something else.

Me? I replied him with a shake. "I'm doing my General Surgery rotation soon. And I'm never taking exams again."

Fooling around with them was fun, but
I need to grow up. I need to be career driven as well. I need to step up my game.

Friday nights for partying

On Tuesday I found out Pofin was coming to Tawau for the Borneo Trauma Update from Syukri and I threw a fit. That bastard didn't even tell me about it!

I called him immediately, tapping my feet angrily while waiting for the elevator. I don't ever act like this but this is Pofin, he's my favourite bastard, his name is on the left lobe of my liver and I specifically told him I will block his number if he didn't meet me when he comes to KK.

And I don't really call people but there I was giving him a call in an accusing tone acting like a clingy girlfriend asking why was he in KK but didn't tell me about it.

He was surprised and asked me how did I know. I could imagine him looking around as he thought I was in the airport as well (he and Faez drove from Limbang and just arrived at KKIA for their flight to Tawau). I pffed him and told him that wasn't the point and that I was oncall and was at the hospital. He then explained himself.

We were cool after that haha. It was fun being dramatic for a while. I asked him when he's coming back to KK. He said on Friday. I said I'll go see him after work and he said okay.

And so Friday came and I was looking forward to dinner today. I texted him and he said Eddy was gonna take them somewhere first and he'll text me afterwards. I said okay but I was feeling peachy. I thought we were gonna have dinner together. I didn't have lunch and I was hungry. I wanted to eat with him.

So I was waiting for him hungrily. I watched an episode of Korean drama thinking it's a given that I wanted to see him more than he wanted to see me, I mean I've always love more than I am loved. I was sulking and then Luqman texted regarding our trip so I thought maybe I should just stay in tonight and settle our trip things.

At eight Pofin called me. I glared at my phone. He made me wait, let's make him wait a bit. I didn't even reply his messages after that. He called a total of three times in half an hour and I just kept on sulking while settling my trip thing.

Then I realized sulking only made me hungrier and pining more to see him and that an hour and half later was when I finally reply him. And I was glad I did.

As I put on my jacket I asked Luqman if he was gonna look through accomodation tonight.

He said he was.

I told him "Friday nights for partying" implying I was going out.

He said he was too old for that.

I should have replied him good night, but I don't have that kind of polite etiquette. So I didn't reply anything.

I went out and met the boys, where conversation and laughter flew fluid like old times. We finished our food and the boys were heading next to karaoke, but I didn't follow them to their car when they crossed the road towards it because I saw the time was 11.30pm already. Pofin looked at me surprised and said

"Eh Tiqah tak ikut (pergi karaoke)?"

I said no and waved them off. He said he'll see me tomorrow.

It was totally him to expect me to follow them but I know where my limits are. It was bad enough that I was going out with three guys late at night and now smelling like smoke and sweet shisha, I think my parents might disown me if I hang out with them past midnight at a karaoke bar.

I walked towards my car. Yup, he's definitely my favourite bastard.

bebeh

We had a chronic HO once, or you can call her our ward adopted child. She's cheeky with a belly bigger than her head and doesn't contribute much to our department besides "menghabiskan nasi Likas" and make our day brighter.

She liked that song "Sumandak Sabah" so much and will shake her tiny hips to it. I used to make fun of her "Kau sumandak Sabah kah? Kau lawa kah? Kau pandai kah masak nasi?" but she will laugh happily at me probably thinking I'm praising her.

They were playing that song in OR today and thus my kinda mellow mood.

We discharged her to her biological mother what three weeks ago and have lost contact with her for the past week. I did the discharge, the casenote was too thick for me to bother with so I wrote a one-page summary basically on how to take care of her and to just give me a call if any more information is needed. We decided we didn't want anyone using her summary for sympathy and personal gain heh.

She's a strong kid. I told her to take care of herself, come to the hospital if she's sick and don't die at home when we parted but she only screamed at me for hugging her too tight. Brat.

She left her walker's musical thing in ward and yesterday one of the student nurses lighted that thing up and the annoying music come to life and the staff nurses and I all turned to (jokingly) scoff at that student.

"Jangan disentuh benda itu, kau mahu guris hati kami semua kah?"

Thinking of her makes me happy, I hope she will always be happy and healthy wherever she is. 

Edited February 2021:

She was later adopted by a police couple in Tawau and so far came for her TCA in Tawau. They always send me videos of her when she does. I'm not sure what name she goes by now but she will always be Bebeh or Putput to me.

I'm always appreciative of my Anaes colleagues. I used to be one of them.

It was 2pm. I was at the counter, sleepy, lazily reviewing patients. Two small kids ran pass me in the hallway blabbing baby talks and I recognized them as today's post op kids.

Running around kids shouldn't be in the hospital, they should be discharged. I stood up from my seat and ran after them. I asked the mothers to bring the kids back to their bed so I could examine them before their discharge.

The mothers brought the kids back while I went to get my casenotes. The kids were laid down for a minute waiting for me before they decided to up and about. My fault for making them wait. The two of them regrouped and ran around the cubicle. I had to chase them back.

Whoever the Anaes were, they gave hell good blocks. The kids felt nothing. One was a 5 hours post bilateral herniotomy and the other was a 4 hours post right orchidopexy. They were running in ward like normal kids.

The mother looked at me. Will the blocks wear off?

They will, I said, in about 12 hours. That's when we let oral analgesic works.

"Are you busy? Can you come and get me?"

When it comes to giving rides, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I won't let you take a Grab. I'll send you to the airport. I'll drive slow, for the sake of spending time with you.

But to ask for your time for me? I won't do that. Because I don't expect anything from you.

I remember how I walked home from KB Mall in the spring rain because my parents couldn't fetch me and I didn't want to call anyone. I thought of you, I thought of another friend. I didn't trust taxis, so I ended walking almost an hour in the rain.

Or when I was admitted and I didn't tell you nor the team because I imagined I would be sad if you guys knew but didn't come visit me.

I know how I feel about you, what you are to me. But I don't care how you feel about me, what I am to you. At times I think I'm appreciated as much as I appreciate you, other times I think I'm too much for even expecting anything.

Do I value myself less? I think it's me being selfish. I become loose so I wouldn't be hurt.

Luqman is here

Went to KB yesterday with Luqman, Mizah and Kudus trying to catch a glimpse of Aki in the rain. We played poker and we did.

In between me bitching I shouldn't have slept all night last night and finish the MC script so that I could enjoy Sunday with them. But I slept all night last night and now poor my MC partner waiting for the script.

"Kesian Elango" was my mantra as I tried to motivate myself to finish it with my laptop on my lap somewhere in Lasau Podi, surrounded by beauty and cow's dung.

I finished it and emailed it to him before 7pm and drove us back to KK.

Today was Day 1 of the event. I tended to Luqman and he went to eat with the kakak-kakak while I did my work. And then I came back to check on him if he needed anything and he was then talking to my MC partner with his louder, kidding tone.

"Hey bro kenapa you marah Atiqah semalam?"

I grinned mischievously and went to hide behind Luqman, mimicking a kid hiding behind her protective older brother. Elango was spluttering and I caught a glimpse of his awkward, don't-want-to-get-in-trouble face while the kakak-kakak laughed at me. Then I left to continue my work with happy skips.

I guess I'm just a kid who wants to be pampered once in a while. I've been good on my own, living here on my own. Please praise me, do scold me and let me sulk for a bit, and please shower me some love sometimes. Just for a second. Let me feel vulnerable and safe for just one second.

And I'll skip happily back to reality soon after.

Specialists nowadays are young

I was standing in front of the elevators with the broken button, just staring at the numbers absently. Both elevators were coming up. I looked outside to where the sun was setting blindingly before turning back to the moving numbers, shouldering my heavy bags. I wanted to go home.

A girl appeared on my right and waited for the elevator with me. She noticed the button didn't light up and went closer to hit it.

"The button's broken," I quipped absent-mindedly. "You either go to the fifth floor and wait for it there, or you pray someone's dropping off at this sixth floor."

She stopped and nodded at me silently. I was obviously doing the latter. I noticed her eying me up and down but I merely stared at the moving numbers blankly.

"Are you a medical officer here.. or are you a specialist?"

That made me turn. Whatever made her think the latter? She was talking to me with confidence laced with cockiness of a seasoned medical officer, but she didn't know who I was and I've never seen her around. She must be new.

"I'm Atiqah, a medical officer with Surgery," I turned my head towards the direction of my ward. "And you are?"

"Ulfa. I'm a first year Paeds trainee."

"I see. Welcome to Likas."

"Thanks."

The numbers stopped at Five and it went down. I sighed. "Looks like we gotta go down."

In which Bebeh went back to Tawau and Atiqah needed IV in the evening.

Today deserves a post for itself.

Junainah arrived from Tawau and we discharged Bebeh.

I'm gonna miss threatening her to behave by shouting out Chung's name. "Chuuuung tengok Putri ni." Chung is in UKM now but his name still gets her froze up it's funny.

I hope she grows up strong. She's a strong kid.

In the evening I got so sick. I was trying to fast but my head was splitting and I almost threw up in the middle of round. I was squatting in front of the elevator near PSICU and the staff nurse saw me and rubbed my back soothingly asking if I'm okay. I told her I'm not and I need to go back to my ward for drip. I was swaying with my steps and was trembling by the time I showed up in front of my nurses begging for help.

Verron inserted the pink line for me, I gave her my left hand while cradling my head and didn't even flinch because the headache was more painful. Jojie hooked me up to the drip, made the bed for me and got me water and PCM. I slept in the treatment room and Sister Yosima tucked me in. She must have felt sorry for me. I felt pathetic but whatever, I still have to drive back after that and tomorrow's a long day. I thanked all of them repeatedly before sleep claimed me.

I woke up after two hours, the drip finished and they had clamped it while I was out. I sat up, deemed myself fit enough and cleaned up after myself. Threw everything properly. My steps were steadier and I went to thank them again before I went to pray and heat up the porridge I packed for my oncall yesterday. (I figured I'll be sick at some point and bought McD's porridge on Saturday lol imagine the foresight).

Tomorrow I have OT and then presenting POMR at JKN. I don't think I should fast tomorrow. This URTI is seriously screwing with me. Let's get a pneumococcal shot after all this is cleared.

It's June and this is my second URTI of 2019

On Friday I woke up coughing and sniffling. Not good. I had a flight to catch the next day. URTI on a flight means I will be in for a terrible time. I took Clarinase and PCM that day.

Woke up on Saturday with progressively worsening symptoms. Took my meds, caught my flight. Take off wasn't so bad but landing was hell. My left ear was hurting so bad I barely survived by sipping on a box of juice while jamming my finger as tight as I could into my ear hole.

Went back to my place. As expected the symptoms almost doubled. Coughing, sore throat, sneezing, couldn't breathe from all the snot, headache, ear pain, couldn't hear well from the left side, feeling feverish. My last meal was at 1pm and it was past 10pm already and I was hungry. I wanted porridge or soup or whatever I wouldn't need to chew.

I was then crashed on my bed and thoughts went to a recently read story where Ji was nursing a sick Ri, where Ri went into baby mode. I want that too. I want someone else here. I want to be babied. At the very least, I just want a small bowl of porridge in front of me.

That's enough, I said. Let's not be more pathetic, I said. I got up and took another dose of PCM and Clarinase. Took out my phone and opened the app to order McDelivery for porridge. Saw that they closed delivery by 10pm. It was then 10.30pm.

I threw my phone away and tried to sleep. I couldn't, how can I when I couldn't breathe. I was miserable. Thoughts went to that story again. And then to a memory of years back in Egypt when I walked pass this written on a wall somewhere in Mahattah Abou Rish.

Things happen because you made it happen.

So I went into writer mode. I couldn't make you happen, I couldn't make Haru materialize, but I could at least write whatever I want to happen.

Woke up groggy on Sunday and thanked my past self who redid the oncall roster and instead of initially being oncall that day, I only start my oncall on Tuesday. Thanked God for such foresight and slept all day. Woke up late in the evening and drove to McD for my much needed porridge.

Woke up on Monday feeling better. At least the ear pain has gone and I wasn't so light-headed. Went to work after a cup of coffee and my two best friends Clarinase and PCM. Put on a mask and tried to catch up.

Survived my Tuesday oncall on meds BD. Had only two hours of sleep that night I was so tired by Wednesday morning and I wasn't thinking straight. My surgeons forgave me.

And it went for the whole five days of the weekday. Woke up, coffee, meds, mask. Another meds in the evening. The ward's floor stock of PCM was depleted by me.

By Friday I had enough. I still had the intermittently felt feverish and light-headedness. I coughed so bad in the car I coughed out yellow sputum. My snot was not getting better, in fact it was yellow. Since when was it yellow? I didn't know. I haven't been thinking much about it.

I realized then I needed antibiotic. I hated it because I'm not compliant. It's going to upset my stomach and I didn't exactly have a regular meal schedule. But it's been seven days and I couldn't go on with no lights at the end of the tunnel.

So I took Co-amoxiclav in the afternoon. I had them in my bag since I don't remember when. Thanked God for the foresight my past self had to stock on antibiotics.

That evening I had a meeting which I attended with half lidded eyes. The hospital director scrutinized me wearing a mask but I was sure he heard me coughing and sniffling. I wasn't feeling bright though.

But what do you know, the snot improved. I didn't have to go blow my nose every half hour or so. I punched out and went to buy groceries. I felt like I could make dinner for once instead of eating out.

And then it hit me. I should have taken antibiotics on Saturday. God I should have taken antibiotics on Saturday itself, after I touched down. If I was someone else watching over myself, I could have made a sound and objective judgement and prescribed antibiotic to myself earlier.

But I wasn't someone else.

Just now my parents called me. Mom heard my voice and acknowledged that I really was sick. They told me to tell them if the antibiotic wasn't doing its job "because it's not the original Augmentin". Mom said she'll send some to me.

So far away. Like Sabah doesn't have Augmentin in the pharmacy.

They told me to take care of myself. Of course, who else will. Who else.

Today's Song Stuck In My Head is Taeyang's Eyes Nose Lips

We had an intimate open house today and I invited few selected friends I actually want their company. Namely Fadzlin and Bun (the couple had an open house too and they couldn't come but I met them at their place), Hariz, Amyny and Faezee, Hamizah, and Hannan.

It was a fun day. I met them, I was happy. I want to always remember this feeling.

Told Fadzlin of my worries in full length in the limited time we had. I think maybe I need to grovel at Mr. Tar's feet but do I have the time?

Bun interjected here and there, with Fadzlin around I barely need Bun now haha.

With Hariz was a more relaxed conversation. What did we talk about? I couldn't talk as much with him as I wanted because Hadi's chatty friend was sitting beside him. But I felt relaxed.

Amyny and Faezee. Then Hamizah came with Hannan.

Hannan, this guy. Seeing him after almost two years had me hyped. I was really excited when I see him. I never hide my infatuation for him and he never flinch away when I flirted a bit too forwardly so it has always been easy to keep on bantering with him.

I always complain to him that I'm not seeing him much but then I'm the one who forgets to make plans with him whenever I'm in town. I only invited him at 2pm hahaha stupid me and he already had a list of places to go so he couldn't promise. I asked him to "make me a priority" and he indulged me since I haven't met him in a while.

Yeah it's true, I'm the one who likes him more haha.

"Kalau aku tak sempat datang, kau sedih tak?"
"Agak la. Walaupun aku kata agak tapi dalam hati ibarat lurah."

My flight is tomorrow Hannan. If I don't see you today I don't know when I'll see sunshine again. Though he was actually on his way when he called to say that. He's a tease.

We bickered why Surgery nowadays requesting for USG abdomen to treat appendicitis. Our friends let us argue and I was like "tukar tempat!" so that I can sit next to him arguing but the argument dissolved quickly since I explained well why we need USG. Our friends were saying "gaduh la lagi" and Hannan was like "dah setel dah" but of course I have to go and be like "tapi aku nak gaduh lagi" since I was hyped thinking yeay our first fight! Haha I'm such a whore. God knows I haven't bickered with anyone in a long while, I miss doing this.

When we parted I was genuinely sad. He asked me to shed a tear. I told him to stop making me cry. He told me to stop being so dramatic.

Ahh but it's Hannan. I let myself be dramatic with him. He knows I love him. Neither of us know what kind of love that is. I'm really just enjoying Hannan and the freedom he indulges me with.

Bantering is one thing I haven't done since quite some time

I've been doing a lot of reading. You know what I mean, the wrong kind of bookworm. I didn't know which devil pointed it to me when I was a wee teen staying up late for it and it goes on into my adulthood, and now. I still read.

So those readings had me thinking. I've never been in a formal relationship before and it never bothers me. I've always been contend with being on my own, so why am I making a fuss about it now? Why am I now not happy with what I don't have?

Biological clock? The devil again?

I kept thinking about the misses. So I push people away, yeah. To see if they'll stay. To see if they really want me like they said they want. To see what they'll do, what effort will I see.

But they didn't. So I didn't do anything, because they came to me first.

Am I not giving chances? I said no or said nothing at all, they'll either back out or insist a little but never enough to nudge me, and they back out. So it's never me not giving people chances.

What about people that I pursue myself, ones I was interested in?

1- He turned out to be a douchebag. I even cried angrily because of his douchebagness my roommate freaked out because I never cry. I got over it immediately after that. We were both immature in our own ways.

Duration: not more than half a year

2- By the time I realized I like him I was too late, he moved away and moved on. I liked him because he makes me behave but I think I was too wild for him.

Duration: on off for two years. It was a clean cut.

3- It was a fling. He's a good friend.

Duration: fling dragged on quite a bit, but no more than a year though.

4- I know why I liked him. I know he's trouble but I know why I see him as a fresh air. But then I lost interest and I just stopped pursuing. And then I had to deal with my career limbo and had no care for anything outside myself. But I know why I liked him.

Duration: four months of my version of courting

Everything was short lived. I know I have commitment issue. Even at work, eh? How happy I was with four monthly housemanship rotation but look at me now as a medical officer, fidgeting to get away after a year in the department. Of course, multifactorial. But you have to admit this is a trend, an unhealthy one.

Thinking this through I realized I should give the next one a chance. Because I just want to see what kind of person I am when in a relationship. I want to see what I'll become.

But to pursue again? I only do that when someone catches my fancy. I hope it'll be sooner.

My choice of curse word is "bastard" because it's also my term of endearment

[13/07/2016, 22:04]

Btw nak meluahkan perasaan boleh ke
I have this colleague
One of my fave for im not sure why
We call him pofin

Can2 go on

Dia satu intake and we've been working in same posting since surgery
So he's one of the kamcingest la
Kamcing tahap we diss each other
Reliable colleague
Lately he's dissing me more openly
Hahaha
About (insert crush name here)
Coz he's friends with (insert crush name here)
Bastard has been on off mentioning (insert crush name here)
Bukan benda baru
Dia ungkit benda lama

Hahah ke sbb (insert crush name here) tu
Asyik sebut about u as well to him

He was d one yg told me (insert crush name here) liked me
They're not in recent contact
Pofin ni citer benda lama

Haahhahaha apa lg
Ustaz don berkata
Jikalau itu jodoh
Dua dua hati akan suka
HAHAHAHAH #tetiba

Masalahnya i hate this kind of thing

Then just tell it straight to him la
He should understand it considering u r close with each other
Kamcingest buddies and all that

I told him off today
After daily death threats
Harini dalam round
U know what he said to poknik
Tetiba je
"Dr.nik nak tahu scandal atiqah?"
Poknik pun beria nak tahu

Wow
Maybe because u r the joking around type
Dia inggt u r still joking around

But i pressed my pen into his back so dia xberani nak cakap banyak hahah
Insensitive jerk hahaha
Later after round
I told him to sit down beside me
And told him
"aku x tahu kau main2 ke, tapi jangan sebut dah pasal (insert crush name here). ape perasaan kau kalau kau x dapat benda yg kau nak."
"Kau nak (insert crush name here) tapi x dapat ke"
Stupid me i salah phrase ayat
🙄
Hahaha

ahahahaahahaha
Weh lawak
Why u said liddattt

So i stressed back
He replied. "Rasa geram"
"Okay bagus la kau rasa geram. Ape perasaan kau kalau aku asyik tenyeh kau pasal benda yang kau nak tapi x dapat"
"aku akan buktikan dekat kau dengan dapat ape aku nak"
I lost
Bastard
How should i handle this guy
Poknik suggested i tolak him off our fourth floor ward
Less energy used, he said
But he's a reliable colleague
Pofin buat saya teringat (insert crush name here). Which is bad
I need to burn something

Haha for me
Just ignore him

Possible I've become stupid
Okay I'll do that esok

Distance

We had a long overdue closed meeting among the surgeons and service MOs yesterday. Their comment to me was that I'm the senior most so they're expecting me to lead. To liase between the surgeon and the junior member.

There was something boss said that I didn't understand. But yesterday I was nursing a headache from not eating properly past few days and I didn't want to say anything to prolong my suffering.

They also mentioned that I was good and reliable but I always do things alone and think I'm right. I could use a second opinion because there may be or always be a better way of doing things.

They're right. I know exactly why I do things alone and I don't think I'll change that, not so abruptly at least.

I take things professionally. They're not important to me personally. I've grown distancing personal from professionalism.

Boss mentioned for us to participate in the Saturday OT. Jokingly said "Kalau tak pergi Kota Belud la. Tapi takkan pergi Kota Belud setiap minggu kan?"

I sniggered. I sort of need to get away every other week or I'll go nuts. I need to have something other than think about work, because right now that's all that bug me.

"It's okay if people are interested in you" is what bro said but I'm picky

Sometimes I'm loose, especially when I'm in a good mood. My mates take me for a playgirl when I was a houseman.

I'd give no care to the niceties that flows from my mouth. I'm just having fun and safely so only flirt with someone who's also a flirt. I mean what I say but take me at face value, don't dig deep, I'm just messing around. If the other party get serious I'd back off, I'm not here for the long haul. Or if innuendos start to be thrown in, that's a definite turn off. I'm well versed in innuendos but I keep my flirting clean.

One time the trouble trio were having dinner at this restaurant. We've been rotating restaurants for the past three days and this by far served the best char kuey teow in Kingfisher.

We were joking around, stuffed full, had a good time. And the waiter was eying me the whole time, making conversation and directing them to me most of the time. I appreciated his bravery but not so much the attention. Visually he wasn't my type and I'm very superficial when it comes to fun flirt. I don't start what I couldn't see myself ending up with. So I only responded to him minimally and politely.

At the end of dinner Ara went to pay and Nisa and I waited at the table, I was sipping on what was left of my iced drink.

"You're cute." The waiter grinned.

"Thanks. You too."

It was my default response. I'm polite, I always thank people and return their compliment. What I didn't expect was the waiter to turn sheepish and for the life of me, he ducked his face shyly. Oh shit.

"Awhh. No one ever said that to me.."

Shit what have I done. I retained my grin. It probably turned into a smirk at that point. How do I get myself out of this? I still want to come to this restaurant, they have the best char kuey teow in Kingfisher.

"May I know your name?"

I smirked and shook my head. I only said "you too" and see what I got myself into. Nisa was grinning at me. Thanks a lot.

"I'll call you Nurul. May I get your phone number? Just friendly messaging."

I looked at him, still grinning exasperatedly at my predicament. I kept on playing with the straw of my drink not quite believing what was happening. He took a piece of paper and wrote down his number. He handed it to me with a smile.

For a second there, I stared at the paper with my hands supporting my chin lazily, pondering what to do. He was very brave. I could never do that. The least I could do was not to humiliate him in front of my company. I looked up at him, shook my head laughingly and prayed I didn't get his hope up. I took the paper and folded it into four, keeping it in the palm of my hand.

"Message me yeah?"

I chuckled in response. Ara returned from paying and we took our leave. Nisa was still laughing at me all the way to the car, relaying what happened to an amused Ara. I cocked an eyebrow and flashed her the paper. "You want this?" She shook her head and didn't stop laughing.

I got back to my room and chucked the paper in the dustbin. That's enough for tonight. I wonder if I can ever have fun without leading people on.

That was three months ago. I didn't step foot in that restaurant ever since.

Luqman passes his first year exam!

"So how's Kota Bharu?"

"Zafran is annoying me and Vicky is smothering me."

"Sounds like you're having fun."

I paused to answer. I thought of saying I missed his presence and he would have been the comfort to prevent me from feeling strong urge to kick those two. But then I remembered he bullies me too when the three of them are together.

I don't remember what I said after that. Partly because there was a lurch in my stomach when he told me the stress he went through from exam on Saturday till getting his result on Monday. The more I listen, the more I felt bad and I just didn't know what to say because at that point I realized how selfish I was.

You see, Monday PM was the same setting as my previous post. The one where I was distracted by overthinking over a gross problem and I turned to him for advice.

I wasn't paying attention much when I texted him in between lectures and I didn't reply him when he mentioned he was getting his result in a while. I effing didn't read into that because I know he already passed his exam and I had that distracting problem. Zafran said Luqman passed his exam already which I'm sure he heard that from Mr. Tarmizi.

He was relaying to me how at that time he was sitting alone on the fourth floor gutting himself over an hour, building the courage to go take his result at the third floor before he just "fuck it let's get this done and over with."

And I missed that. I missed the mark to offer comfort. He was dealing with his wreck and then there was me this wreck of a kid but he still helped me out. He comforted me but I didn't, no vice versa. I felt so bad. Why am I like this? How much more selfish can I get?

Then I remembered how he once asked me why wasn't I attending Masterclass and I only gave a vague answer of "got other plans" before I went back into my pretend-study cave. I felt like I had been standoffish and rude. Granted, yeah I ignored everyone else and only texted the family, Kak Elli and Luqman during that period. But I shouldn't have replied so crudely.

I cradled my head a lot through that phonecall. What have I done? I'm not worthy of his kindness. Yet he still called me today, I must have done something right for him somewhere in my lifetime.

So I listened until he was done. At that point I was already wishing he's a girl and I was close by so I could give him a hug. I know what it's like going through things alone. I told him that I've always believe he's the kind to survive anywhere. He thanked me for the confidence but asked if I really mean it or was it just comforting words.

What ran through my head was what I know of him when he was in Kelantan. So I told him I mean it. I just know it.

Oh and he asked about me. Skills, logbook, presentations. Screw me. I told him about Boss 'kicking' me out in September and how some are suggesting I do my GS rotation in HRPZ which I didn't even think of the possibility, instead of my first option in HDOK ("I need to get out from Likas, need a fresh air.") He suggested HDOK for the abundance of opportunity to sharpen my skills. I agree.

At the end of the 27 minutes call he thanked me for hearing him out. I cringed. Why are you thanking me when I don't deserve this honour? But I just replied "Anytime."

My three brothers at ECPSU 19

You see, I have three brothers among my Paed Surgical brotherhood. They're all different but they are complementary and the three of them together made me stuck around.

Zafran is the strict brother who criticizes me at every move. My tone, my Facebook posts, my whatever, everything. He doesn't get me personally, he just dishes comment generally. He sees as the average people see so I have to step back a lot after each hit so that I don't ignore him for good.

He keeps me behaved to the standard of our Malay community, and I need that. I need to be kept grounded. We should agree by now my thoughts don't conform to the norm of our Malay community but I can't go off and live my life like I have no faith in God.

He does so jokingly but I take his words seriously and this is why I blew fuses with Zafran easily. I actually care what he thinks of me. Why? Because he taught me a lot in the past and I wasn't joking when I said (most of) everything I know I learned them from him. He did a lot of kind things for me in his harsh crude ways, so in a way I'm indebted to him. I'll always hold him in high regards.

Vicky is the brother who fusses over me. He's the kind to offer to kick bastards for me. He's very observant and he's among the people who have known me the longest, so he picks up my mood immediately. He's what we call "someone who hears your silence" and he calls me out on my bullshit.

But the thing is, at times it's overbearing. When I don't feel like talking about it, I'd rather not see him because he'll want to talk about it.

Luqman is my favourite. He's the calm, silently listening type. Always lending an ear whenever I seek them. I can say what I really needed to say and he'll listen. Majority of time what I needed was a sounding board and he obliges. He dishes out advices when I need them. He doesn't always agree with me but I'm his "ally" so he'll always have my back, I know this after the feud I had with Hidayah Anaes. And when I stray off from being too hyper he'll always somehow drag me back to normalcy.

We have few background similarity in which he understood my "father is a well-known consultant" complex. One time Kak Raihan said he asked about me to her in ward and referred to me as "Ika" and I'm like, only family gets to call me that. So deal is sealed. He is family to me, no question about it. He can ask anything from me and I'll say yes. And the most important preferential treatment is that I will always pick up his call.

I'm really grateful to have him in my life, that's why I only approach him sparingly. I can't take his time, I can't abuse his generosity. When I've been too quiet he'll check up on me and what not. But only when I'm really really down to no one else to talk this through with that I seek him out.

Like today, when I saw someone I didn't ever want to see attending the same conference.

I was standing at the doorway talking to Zafran when he walked in and caught me off guard. We greeted each other, me more vocal in my surprise and asked what was he doing here.

Like really, what are you doing here? This is my hometown, my home team. You're tainting my comfort zone.

I was overthinking how should I behave around him. Given the premise, I don't want to talk to him at all. But I felt bad because we were friends before and the amiable part of me thinks I should not treat my friends like that. But this? 

This was gross, but I need it gone. I need a sounding board. Why isn't Luqman here? I want Luqman here.

I saw Vicky from afar. I didn't feel like talking to him because he always know something is up with me, so I purposely didn't look his way. I still didn't know what I should do regarding the matter, so I chose to avoid it. I skipped lunch and went for a walk in town.

Fifteen minutes before start of lecture I went back to the hotel for prayers. I saw Vicky sitting with Mr. Ruzaimie and two of our trainees and decided I should behave properly and show respect. So I walked towards them, pouring a glass of juice for myself while still on the phone with Chik Na. I went to them and pulled a seat which Vicky pulled nearer to theirs.

I hung up and Vicky started smacking me repeatedly on my arm.

"Thanks for answering my calls, thanks for replying my messages."

Yeah I've kinda been avoiding talking to him. It's messy.

After it was only the two of us left, Vicky asked me what I know he's been dying to ask.

"How are you? Are you okay? Don't lie to me, you're not okay."

"I'm not going to lie. I'm not okay. I'm coping. I've found my coping mechanism. Which involves me running away every two weeks."

We talked a bit about my depressive episode. He turned my idea of seeking a psychiatrist down and I shot him a contemplating look. Did I say too much? Is it wise to let Vicky know this side of me?

I needed to go pray, so I excused myself. I still need to discuss with someone regarding the matter.

Before the start of the next lecture, I hovered close to Vicky still debating whether I should discuss this with him. He was talking with Aien and I would need to speak to him alone. But is Vicky really who I should discuss this with? I know if Luqman was here I wouldn't have to ask this question.

So I walked away. I went back to my seat and absent-mindedly texted Luqman, still debating how to ask this gross issue. It's grossing me out without me putting it into words, what more when I lay it open to someone.

Outwardly I was cool. I had my Focus Exterior on. I sat at the front most row in the middle of the hall, my notes nice and precise. I was alternating between focusing on the lectures and debating how to ask Luqman. But inwardly I was fidgeting. I groaned. This was so gross. I'm going to my brother with a girly problem. I couldn't get lower than this, can I? But I need to ask this to a guy because a guy will know what a guy wants and how a guy thinks.

But this was so gross.

R u busy?
Nope
Okay
What's up
I want to ask something but idk who to ask. The question might make you vomit. Cause it makes me want to
Proceed

So I spilled. He said it was fine and I wanted to laugh at the unduly kindness he was bestowing me. He calmed me a bit and for once, I really appreciated being told what to do. Which was to keep cool and maintain professionalism.

But ignoring him doesnt solve anything
It's more like im passively ignoring him
I know where he sits so that i wouldn't look that way
Im overthinking kan
Yeah most likely
But u wouldnt see him more after this rite
I hope not. Thanks for hearing me out
Heh no worries. Just keep it cool then
Okay
Dont overthink. Keep a poker face
Okay i will
Feel free to confide. If u dont mind
I'll be at ur mercy

That night we had dinner and I was the only girl among the arrived, so I sat beside Zafran who annoyed me to oblivion I had to tilt my head back staring at the ceiling counting till ten before I turned back to him and snarled an apology. He laughed at my reaction and said he was only joking. I told him I want to throw the plates at him.

I know he was only teasing and likes to tease me because I react but it doesn't make any difference. Maybe I wanted to react, not holding myself back like I've been doing with my Likas colleagues. They've known me since my immature days and they still accept me so I might as well be immature when I'm around them.

Then I saw the matter walking in with my boss and sat at the same table. I took my phone out and immediately texted

I want to curse. I didn't know I'll have to take ur advice so soon
Hey keep it
Okay okay

I was laughing. It was funny coming from a guy who curse verbally with the f word, but I appreciated it. Zafran looked at me weird. He told me to go sit and mingle with the staff nurses so I took his hint and left the table gladly.

Confession time

Writing has always been my outlet, my sense of therapy. What do I get from this? A bit clearer headed I guess. Maybe I want someone to read this and physically drag me to the help I needed. Atiqah has always been a fucking sad softie and I need to figure this out because we can't be seen weak. Why? I'm egoistic that's why.

But the wall is slowly breaking and sad softie is surfacing and I don't know what's going to happen if it does. Probably literally break down in some hallway.

Before this, all I want is to be happy and live proud of myself. It's getting too hard for that, nothing really makes me happy and I'm not at all proud of myself.  The bouts of joy that I felt for the past God knows months were misguided.

So I'm revising. Now all I want is to behave and go to Heaven. Whatever resolve I have now is just to keep myself in line, so that I wouldn't do anything that will disgrace my family or further nil my chance of getting into Heaven. Sinful things because God it's so tempting. I want so bad to hurt myself in so many ways, I want the physical pain to override this emotional pain that softie is feeling. But I can't and won't do that.

Can I even go further south than this? Don't think about it, it's a dangerous territory.

I don't know how much longer I can hold on. How much longer do I wait until I throw the towel and say the word. I need to handle this professionally that's why I'm bidding my time, I can't just walk away. Atiqah walks away but I can't, I won't. For whatever it's worth, we cannot be seen as irresponsible. I always clean up the mess I made.

I'll have to tell Boss I'm going. Where? Who fucking knows. We just need to go. We'll figure out as we go.

But not today or tomorrow, not even the day after. Like Sober sang, I've a lot to do but I don't want to do anything. Fact remains I still have to do them. I'm keeping myself in line, see? Atiqah can break down on Postcall Thursday and take EL on Nothing Friday if need be, just don't mess up Study Monday, Exam Tuesday or Oncall Wednesday and be sober for Oncall Sunday.

No Kak Elli, I don't think it's the exam talking

You know when you listen to a song in a foreign language but you gravitate to it? The vibe, the tempo struck you, somehow the song fits your mood but you have no idea what the song is about. It just feels right.

Then you get curious as the song plays in your head. You Google the lyric meaning and just.. smile in amusement. Look what we have here.

It’s hard for me to be sober
I can’t do anything
I hate being sober
I can’t fall asleep without you
Time is so damn slow,
I’m just growing old, I live like I’m dead
I have so many damn things to do
but I have nothing that I want to do

The world is cold to me
People’s eyes are prickling on me
I seem like an adult
but I’m really a child that’s really tall
My young dreams are just faded fantasies
My mood is like a vast wilderness
People don’t understand me
So I just wanna lose it without even knowing

BIGBANG - Sober

This is why I listen to Japanese or Korean songs, because I have no idea what the meanings are, I just go with what they feels like. Conveying feelings across languages is something comforting, we don't even know each other but we understand each other.

As opposed to people around you, speaking the same language but seem so foreign to you.

---

Today is dad's birthday. I need to cheer up. Fake better front.

This is going south

Suddenly there was a tightness in my chest and I felt a rise. What is this. I started pacing and hyperventilating. I want to run. I want to run now and disappear. I need to disappear now.

I was still pacing and hyperventilating. Oh shit I need to calm down. I need me to materialize so that I can calm myself down, I can't do this alone. But I'm alone. I looked myself in the mirror so I could see someone else and I didn't know what that look in my eyes meant. I leaned my forehead against it and told myself to calm down.

Calm down, calm down. Whatever is wrong, it is what it is, just calm down first.

My breathing evened out. I looked up and saw into my reflection. The look has waned a bit. You're okay now, kid. You're okay.

And then I sat on the floor. What was that. I don't know. Can we go disappear now please?

Crooked

It's an upbeat song. The tempo immediately had you head banging and your body jumping, hands thrown up. It's the perfect party song.

But it's actually a sad song. It's about a person rebelling because he was heartbroken. He was clearly acting up. Getting loose because he wanted attention, denying help when he was literally screaming for help. Putting up a cocky front when actually deep down he was hurt, all he wanted was to feel safe again.

It's the anthem for rebels. Just jump into oblivion, fuck everything else, "leave me alone, I'm alone anyway".

Rebelling against what? God, for putting him in this position? It feels like that for me.

Strangers

Talking to strangers is a breather that sometimes I need to take. When I can't relax around people I know, I'll turn to strangers and let loose. Because their opinion on you doesn't matter. No stakes, can't disappoint strangers. And it's not called strangers if you meet them again.

Heh. Had I another life I'm probably the one night stand type.

One time I went out for dinner alone and was the next-in-line thus last customer at the burger stall. The two bros working the stall told me to take a seat while waiting and we chatted and chatted. I talked more during that 30 minutes from ordering to after my burger was done than during my hours at work that day.

I would have had my dinner there chatting amiably with them had mosquitoes didn't assault me (I was in Sabah and it was almost 9pm). I guess that was divine intervention telling me good girls go home before dark.

And then another time I went to the grocer to grab a coconut water because it was a hot night and I felt like it. I went to pay and the lady standing behind me asked if the drink was any good.

I don't know, I told her. My first time trying this.

She ohhed.

I paid and opened the can there. I took a sip and then turned to her. Yup, not bad.

She nodded. I then went off.

Wuss

I'm an actual chicken.

For example, I had my first piercing when I was seven but I was scared even to take it off afterwards. That same year I had a squabble with my younger bro and he accidentally punched my right ear and the earring there rolled off and I didn't dare to have it put back. The hole then closed and until today, I only have my left earring on.

No one ever asked me why I'm only wearing half a pair of earrings except Siti Khadijah better known as CtK who saw it only once and asked me about it. Otherwise people only see it and I only get asked when I myself mention it.

As I said, too chicken to even remove it, so I've been wearing the same stud until only two months ago? I felt I need a change, I felt like wearing a dangling one and so I stalled before detaching my stud.

It took me 22 years.

Let's not get into how I would run then have anything inserted in my eyes thus why I never wear contact lenses. Oh but remember when I got LASIK done? That was legendary bravado.

But yeah. I did go through a lot of things that makes people see me as strong and brave, but I'm not. I'm so not. I go through things with a "let's get this over with" mindset. That's not brave, that's acceptance laced with recklessness.

So what prompted this post?

---

With the amount of writings I've done, I should write a book and quit my day job.

Or quit my day job and write a book.

Or just quit my day job.

But then what?

Tomatoes

The first breakfast I had there I piled up tomatoes on my plate because I'm a big fan of tomatoes since Egypt days (Egypt's tomatoes are so so good) and I thought well they're pretty much next door so Jordan's tomatoes must be as good, yeah?

But to my horror them tomatoes were sour. The old kind of sour. I felt betrayed, like the chef stabbed me with the fork I was eating with. I barely swallowed the piece I chewed and I gave up on the rest of them. My mood was sullen. Why was the tomatoes sour? How could they do this to me? Gone were my hopes and dreams of reliving my days in Egypt by having sweet tomatoes for breakfast. This was so wrong. I got up and had toast for breakfast instead, still complaining. My travelmate chuckled disbelieved at my mini outburst but being the person who usually bottles her emotions and reserves them for only important stuffs I felt I had every right to be emotional about tomatoes.

Enough to say I didn't touch any tomatoes for the remainder of my stay. I actually glared at them every morning I pass them at the breakfast buffet. Goodness this kid held vengeance.