that time Pali craniectomy a Urea 30 plus

I have major respect for Fadhly after assisting him tonight. 

Patient was bleeding, tachycardic, BP dropping. His hands were shaking and he was cursing. Once I told him to istighfar but he didn't hear me and kept the F and S word when the bleeders kept on spurting. So I istighfar for the team instead.

And his hands were shaking. I told him to rest his hands on something to steady them and offered my knuckle. It's something I learned from Boss because I have tremors too.

We were five scrubbed in and we have no surgeon in Lahad Datu. We have no backups. We only have each other. So yeah, Fadhly can unintentionally get me into trouble with Miss and I would take it for him because I have major respect for him and he would back me up any other day.

Also because he apologised to me, haha.

It was a 58 years old gentleman with severe CAP intubated for few days with poor GCS recovery. ICU noted ICB today with midline shift. They referred to Miss who told Fadhly to go in. Fadhly didn't want to because of the poor prognosis but he didn't voice out to Miss. We ended closing in a hurry.

Dija and Fadhly closed the dermis with glial and I started closing the skin even before they finished their layer because Xi Jin and Arif already commenced CPR. It was my first time closing with CPR ongoing. We cannot let the patient die on table. He ROSC after 15 minutes and we pushed him back to the ICU.

We did what we could. And he died 4 hours post op.

Let's go eat

Kena dengan Miss harini for something I did because Fadhly told me to. She voiced out in our group lengthily and I can't say Fadhly's name because that's not what we do. He's my teammate, I'll take one for him.

I waited a bit to see if Fadhly would reply but I guess he was asleep from being postcall. I replied "okay Miss" per usual and I told myself to be fibrosed like what FadhArifSyuk been doing but I still felt like crying.

So we went for lunch. Left alone I probably would have wallow in self pity. I want to be cheered up. Please cheer me up. 

I thought who should I call. My dad? He's working. Kak Elli? Working too. Can I call Hannan? I can't call Luqman, can I?

While waiting for my food to arrive I imagined myself in Kota Belud, jumping into the river and cold water ran through me. I can feel it. It was consoling a bit. Dunked my head in again, ah so nice. 

I want to go a river again. 

And then my message pinged. 

"Sorry Tiqah" 

Was a message from Fadhly. I grinned. Thank you for apologising, I know you would. 

"No worries"

Where R U From

I got a call tonight. Which I've been waiting for since I get here. But I didn't get any meaning he must be busy or he must have known I'm okay with being here.

Anyway I got a call. It was 26 minutes while he was watching the game. At one point he asked "When are you going back?" and I paused long before I answered. 

"Where do you mean, back?" Kota Bharu? Likas? 

He meant KB. So I told him earliest probably January for Syukri's wedding.

---

I had the same confusion back during my birthday when we were at the Dannok Immigration. The officer asked me "Dari mana?" and during that split second as I stared at him clueless and turning to Umair for help before Umair answered for me. 

"Dari Kangar."

When we passed that point, Umair said

"Aku dah agak mesti kau blur nak jawab kerja di Sabah balik Kota Bharu drive bercuti ke Perlis."

LD is where the heartbrokens are

Sometimes I think I'm too heart broken to do anything more. Besides focusing on my job, no strings attached, living a nomadic life on the weekends and getting depressed how difficult it is to mobilise when I'm solo. But doing nothing about it. 

Go with the flow, take what life gives me. 

But I think I might have hurt people too with my nonchalance. 

I sleep in my car

I was telling mom my oncalls here are tiring half of my postcalls I will work the whole day, punch out after Maghrib and sleep in my car in the hospital parking lot and wake up later midnight or near Subuh to drive back.

It's dangerous. 

I was so tired and it's more dangerous to drive exhausted.

Why not sleep in the hospital?

Where, the oncall room? That's where the oncall people will sleep.

Why not get your friend to drive you home?

What kind of illogical suggestion is that?

So it's more logical to sleep in the carpark?

Yes. The car is shut off. 

What if something happens to you in the car? You're alone right.

I'm in the car, of course I'm alone. 

Some more disapproving words. We're not achieving anything from this conversation. You're disapproving of me but you're not giving me a doable option. It's like when Hadi told me to don't go wander off alone. I'm effing bored here, I'm bored of sleeping in. But I don't have friends of equal adventurous spirit as mine, the only option is to wander off alone. 

And this time, I'm too tired to drive, so my logic is I sleep in the car. I don't turn on the engine. Why is that a problem? What do you want me to do? 

But I didn't tell her that. I just told her it's okay mom, send my regards to everyone.

I went back inside where my team was. Arif asked me who referred?

It's not a referral. I'm not even oncall. 

What's it about?

Nothing. Just end up in a fight. 

The day Likas disown me

I was throwing tantrums all day today.

It started when I realise Mr. Ashok removed me from the Specialist and MO WhatsApp group. I was then doing rounds and I stopped, aghast. What? Why?

They're my team. I'm in Lahad Datu yes but they're my team. How can they remove me from the group?

I told Arif. He laughed and said that means I'm gonna be permanent here in Lahad Datu. 

But I don't understand. Why? Because I'm not involved in patients managements so they kick me from the group? But I'm part of Paed Surgery Likas.

Fine. Fine. I'm walking out. I retaliated by removing myself from the MO group, the clinic groups and the CVL group. And then I deleted Mr. Ashok from my contact list.

They're disowning me. It's like when my house was on fire and I was displaced for that whole month. Not belonged to anywhere. 

It didn't help that Paeds been calling me during rounds and I expected this is going to be a pissy day, so I warned my colleagues.

"I'm throwing tantrums today. Thank you for being patient with me."

I was kept busy until noon, and I wanted to wallow in self pity or something, but they dragged me to lunch. Arif waited to drive me and he called twice, so I had no choice but to humour him. 

In the car was Fadhly. He greeted me with a 

"Noob la kena kick dari group. Apa kau dah buat? Lain kali diam-diam je la. Noob."

I wanted to say "fuck off" but I glared him so hard and considered kicking the back of his seat.

So I replied "Aku tak sure samada nak sepak atau tampar kau. Aku senyap je, tak pernah tulis sepatah pun sejak aku datang sini."

"Noob la." He joked. 

"Dah jangan cakap dengan aku dah pasal ni." And so I faceplanted myself onto the passenger seat. Fadhly said something but I didn't reply. I really was upset. 

They left me alone. I ate my food in silence. But then Luqman replied my text and told me

"Grow up Tiq. That's immature."

and I almost threw my phone. Fadhly saw. He's brilliantly observant you see. I replied 

"I hate you."

and fucking Luqman replied "It's okay to hate temporarily."

and I almost threw my phone again. I was listless. I forced down my food and later got up to call Kak Elli but her line was not available. Why la whyyy. 

Arif drove us back. I sat in the back forlornly, looking outside. But Fadhly didn't let it go. 

"Apsal muka stress sangat tu. Kau buat je la group baru, jangan add Mr. Ashok tu."

I grinned, half exasperated that he's still talking about this somewhat jokingly and half amused he's actually doing something to cheer me up. That suggestion really cheered me up. 

So I did what I wanted to do. I threw Arif's neck pillows at him. All two of it, I threw at him. Fadhly laughed a bit before throwing them at the back seat. 

Yeah I cheered up a bit. I actually texted him "Thanks Padly."

Before I was crestfallen again. I mean, they're my team and they disowned me. 

We talked about this post op, over porridge and cake in the OT pantry. I told them how I felt. Although I wanted to run from Likas, actually being removed from the group, my only link, the single thread tying me to Likas.. It sucks. Really sucks. 

But I didn't dare ask why was I removed. Because it'd be the end of me if it was actually an order from Boss. 

Fadhly again. "Noob."

I turned to him with a semi snarl semi grin. "Aku harap sangat aku ni lelaki, atau kau perempuan. Because I really want to headlock you right now."

But I made light of it. Talking about it made me feel better. 

And so Fadhly again. "Noob." 

I pushed my chair backwards and made a swift move in front of him, ready to pounce. He actually flinched backwards, with a grin on his face. I laughed. 

"Stop calling me noob!" 

We finished our snacks and decided to go to KFC for dinner. On my way out I bowed at him "Terima kasih Fadhly." Because I felt lighter. 

But him being a bastard. "Terima kasih apa? Noob la kau ni."

I jumped in front of him in tantrum. "Stop calling me noob!" 

I couldn't really finish my food. Still a bit wallowing. A lot. 

"Aku takde mood nak makan." I said since they pointed out I was only eating ice cream, my drink and fries. I still have the chicken and Twister left. 

"Kau makan apa je? Makan hati?" 

"Haah."

We laughed. But I really did feel disowned. 

"The problem is, kau overthink sangat. Peduli apa."

That felt like a slap. Yeah I am. I am overthinking. Because I'm attached to them. But I'm not. And I shouldn't. 

Okay Fadhly. Okay. 

We still have one laparotomy to go. Arif told me to rest since I'm oncall tomorrow but

"Fadhly masuk, kau masuk. Aku kena la masuk, aku kan yang ketiga. Kita kan satu team, cukup la Likas disown aku jangan la kau pun disown aku!" 

"Ha yeee Tiqah jom sekali, kau kena join kami, kita kan satu team!" 

Before we all laughed stupidly in the car on the way to dinner. 

But after dinner, Fadhly told me to rest since I'm oncall tomorrow. I don't want to listen to him but he has a point. 

I have overnight to grow up.