PMS is a diagnosis of exclusion

"Awak kaku dengan saya je ke atau awak memang jenis kaku? Sebab nampak tak tally..."

I guess she meant how some other MOs are saying I'm good and reliable, like abelong has been saying around. It backfired. I hate it but I guess that's what expectations is.

"Tak nampak proactive. Bagi saya tu dah malas."

"Awak kan nak amik Surgery."

"People are going to keep saying that to you because you made it clear you wanted to take Surgery, but your attitude doesn't show it."

Surgery mengecewakan aku sebab sehari sebelum Dr. Murni kata ada patient diabetic dah panggil ke OT ketosis dekat airlock rupanya NBM semalaman TAKDE IVD PUN

Anaes HO ni akan double shift seminggu sekali di mana masuk kerja 8am hingga 5pm lepastu punch in semula 9pm sampai la 1pm the next day. And semalam double shift langsung tak tidur.

Lepas tu masa passover tetiba Kak Ann call tanya apa status op patient laparotomy diorang dan kenapa pulak nak optimise lagi ape lagi tak optimise. Kak Ann called using her phone to my phone and saya buat muka "save me" to my MO Dr. Kimi sebab Kak Ann is my Surgical registrar but I'm the Anaes HO. Call la my MO they are more authorised to indulge on patient's management. Ke dia ingat aku ni MO Anaes sebab malam tadi pakai scrub biru tua macam MO?

Nasib baik je Dr. Azwani pagi tu tetiba masuk bilik passover and mention pasal kes makcik tu so tahu la ape plan bos untuk kes tu. Haihh.

Passover sejam sebab patient ramai sangat. Kak Nik oncall tanya Kimichan "sempat tidur ke semalam?" and Kimi said "sempat la tidur sekejap2" and aku tergelak.

Untunglaa sempat tidur. Aku straight kerja malam tadi hahahaha turun naik Red Zone berjujuk kes Medical-Surgical-Ortho and Dr. Kimi turun Red masa aku dah siap clerk and tinggal dia present ke bos je. Sampai aku dah berkawan dah dengan Dr. Syurahbil abangnya si Nanim anak Prof Halim, gaduh dengan Amru yang macam nak katok aku je, Dr. Fakhrullah siap document "okay HO Anaes Atiqah noted" and MO Red Zone tu tanya "mana bos awak eh".

Aku pun menggeliat dan jawab "saya la bos malam ni" bwahaha bengong la HO ni.

Tapi takpe Dr. Kimi baik and semalam AEBA secondary to URTI, dia batuk teruk and amik MDI 2hourly and kena Neb x1 so he should have rested anyway.

Kitorang pun bangun nak sambung round pukul 9am tu. MO oncall, HO AM dan me HO post double. As a good human I appreciated my MO for last night.

"Thank you Dr. Kimi."

"Eh terima kasih banyak banyak banyak tau."

Ya I know I so made your life easier last night hahahahaha. Kbye nak sambung kerja sampai pukul 1pm pulak sobs.

Round aku takde la excited nak present sangat sebab passover dah present. Tapi pukul 11 gitu specialist Dr. Jem baru setel urusan OT dan RESTART ROUMD OMG and Kak Nik pulak kena pergi set ventilator pakcik new case yang tetiba difficult ventilation.

"Takpe akak round dengan adik2 ni." Which were Fatimah HO Anaes Day 2 of life and I, so obviously aku la yang kena present kes. Aku pun ape lagi.

"Okay pakcik ni 77 years old underlying bla3" Aku present semua kes yang ada. Hahahaha sebab aku dah penat and this is compensatory hyperactivity prior to passing out and sebab aku tahu kes and can make round more efficient with shorter duration.

By right balik pukul 1pm harini tapi aku tak tidur langsung ni boleh ke excusekan awal nak pengsan dah. Tapi Kak Jem macam tahu je ape yang bermain di fikiran patik dan beliau berkata

"Harini adik ni kena ikut round sampai habis, nak jadi surgeon kan kena la biasa berdiri lama."

Ahahahahahaha SAPE YANG NAK JADI SURGEON NI WOI KENAPA KAU BUKAN NAK JADI SURIRUMAH JE

Okay by the time dah round 34 daripada 38 patient, masa tu dah 1.30 dah, Kak Jem pun kata

"Akak rasa adik ni dah boleh balik dah."

Aku terdiam sesaat sebab 2 daripada baki 4 patient ni adalah new case yang aku clerk malam tadi and kalau aku present round akan jadi cepat dan pantas, TAPI SPECIALIST BAGI BALIK NI WOI KAU TUNGGU APE LAGIIIIII

"Terima kasih Dr. Jamaliah, terima kasih Kak Nik." And aku pun melarikan diri untuk punch out, solat Zohor, tidur di bilik oncall tiga jam pastu baru bangun untuk Asar dan balik.

"I don't need protection. I only need loyalty."

I wrote once during my third posting in Ortho I had a beef with one of the Anaes MO. The next encounter I had with her was my last oncall in O&G where I was oncall OT and she happened to be the Anaes oncall OT Zamrud that time.

We had a fetal distress and I diluted the antibiotics. It was co-amoxiclavulonic acid popularly known as Augmentin but the one our hospital used was the generic trade named Clavam. I then labelled it as IV Co-amoxiclav 1.2g in 20cc and scrubbed in.

Suddenly she screamed. "Sape dilute antibiotics ni?!!"

Me putting on my glove. "Saya. Kenapa."

"Awak dilute ape ni??"

"IV Co-amoxiclav."

"Awak tahu tak benda ni Augmentin??"

"Tahu."

"Habis tu kenapa awak tak label je Augmentin??"

Wtf why should I? Augmentin tu trade name and kita bukan guna Augmentin pun. I frowned and opened my mouth to fire back "Se-"

"Kenapa awak marah HO saya? Tak boleh ke awak cakap baik-baik??"

I stared at my MO who backed me up. Wow. Dr. Amin. Did I hear that right?

"Buat la kerja betul-betul. Fetal distress kan ni." She drawled.

"Communicate je la baik-baik."

I shut up and let those two to it. It was a Saturday and I was going to report duty to Anaes that Tuesday and I kept on thinking should I really go through with what I want and suffer among uncivilized people or should I change to ED and live happily among friends.

I seriously thought about it. But I stuck with Anaes because jerks are anywhere anyway, they shouldn't be my reasoning.

I'm always a fan of fatherliness

The other day I was post double then went to Anggerik cause there was a choledochal cyst case and I want to palpate the abdomen. But I didn't get to cause baby was feeding and later went cranky. She'll puke if I palpate her so I went and borak with Matron Kak Ti.

She asked me if I really want to do Paed Surgery. I said yes.

Then I should get "Abang Luqman" to hold on to me.

I don't need Abang Luqman to hold on to me, I have Mr. Tar for that.

So "tok ayah" knows already?

I laughed. Sure tok ayah knows, tok ayah never let me off his sight since I graduated Surgery.

Today I was PM Outside and saw our boss went to YZ because he has a fever. He absconded (like they can deny an intensivist who wants to treat himself in the comfort of his home) and I realized my boss is so cute. Fatherly cute. He very much reminds me of my dad since I first followed his round. But I'm not sure if he'll appreciate it if he knows I think he's so cute though.

Anyway. If Mr. Tar is my tok ayah then Dr. Wan Nas is my ayahanda.

Are we doing this or not? Because I have things to do.

Is posting a cry for attention? It feels like it. Why would I crave human attention? Is God not enough? Am I not self sufficient?

I think a timeout into the woods is in need.