Smitten

The babe is two days old. I need to prick him for 1.5cc of blood. Pricked the babe and he cried with tears. He cried all through the procedure despite my somewhat soothing words and once done, I secured the prick site and quickly picked him up.

He calmed down instantly. It was magical. All he needed was a cuddle, not even D10%. That baby is so manja, so so manja. I couldn't put him down so I cleaned up while holding him in one hand. Then I pushed his cot out from the Procedure Room all the way to his mother, holding him close to me.

I like babies. They're so cute and I always talk to them about kissing them. I also want to cut them up.

Bullied at ECPSU 2016

We had Paed Surgery East Coast Update last Sunday and Monday. I used my postcall-off to attend. Was late on the first day and Mr. Tar caught me registering at 2.30pm.

"Atiqah. Kenapa baru datang?"

"Postcall boss. Baru habis round."

Had two deaths and another resuscitating from 2am to 11am but kid succumbed. I showered, followed round, ate KFC otw to HUSM.

Anyway at the end of the event. Luqman was supposed to conduct the quiz session but he handed it over to Syahmi and I.

"Ape jawapan dia?" I didn't even know the questions.

"Goreng je."

"Why did I tolerate you?"

He looked at me like I'm the crazy one before huffing. "Ah diam la."

He really is like a brother now. I've hit him before, one of these days I'm really going to murder him.. I'll resus him afterwards.

And after the event. Luqman told me to haul the bunting and stands and printer back in my car "sebab kitorang ada Kelisa je, tak muat."

"Okay."

"Cepat sikit."

"Pergi amik kereta sekarang." That was Mustaq.

I glared the guys with a death grin but they took me as harmless. I've always listen well to my MOs. Anyway Luqman said he's going to take it from my house but stuffs still in my car. I took it to work and asked him to tell his henchmen to take it from my car and he said okay.

On Friday and stuffs still in my car. It took me two takes to carry everything back to Anggerik from Unit Angkut and that sweat me out. Bunting empat, stand lima and heavy each, printer satu. I didn't bother notifying him because I know it be useless anyway. Not my style to note people multiple times. I still like him as a bro but why la I chose such a guy for a bro. Am I into uselessness?

Omar and Helmi were at the event as well. Helmi said I looked more matured. I asked him what he meant and he said

"Sebelum ni macam budak-budak."

Haha thenks..

Omar. Haha. What should I say. I guess I'll just wait in this few more months of housemanship and see where this go.

It's lonely to oncall sorang

Oncall kali ni bersama seorang teman. Kakak sulung empat beradik dan nak jadi doktor. Maka saya pun "beres harini tagging dengan saya" dalam usaha nak patahkan semangat dia apsal la kecik2 nak jadi doktor jadi la nelayan tuna ke.

Beliau dipanggil tagger dan disuruh bantu saya review dan buat procedure untuk patient. Benda simple seperti labelling blood yang dah di ambil, pasangkan Upin Ipin untuk adik2 tengok sambil menjerit kena cucuk (padahal tagger tu sendiri nak tengok Upin Ipin), tolong tenangkan adik2, tolong amik barang simple2.

Thanva berumur 11 tahun, chronic lung disease on prolonged antibiotics, day 10 or so dalam wad.

HO paling manja

Semalam oncall clerk kes sorang2 dalam hujan. Tengok atas nampak Ortho datang round with Mr. Shidee boss. Hati jadi sayu. Nak join tapi tengah clerk kes. Rindunya Mr. Shidee.

Kebetulan kes aku clerk tu katil sebelah patient Ortho review tu. Aku pergi sebelah tak kacau bos round. Nak tegur nanti termenangis sebab happy nampak boss tapi tak tegur rasa bersalah. Curi pandang macam tu je..

Tapi bos nampak. Mr. Shidee saw me and beliau sengih dan angkat kening. Atiqah pun cair. Kalau boss perempuan memang aku pergi peluk dan mengendeng macam kucing dah. Angkat tangan hai dan "Salam Mr. Shidee, apa khabar?"

Dr. Syahmi sengih tengok aku. "Awak Paeds?"

Me dengan hati sayu "Haah saya sini sekarang."

Diorang pun sambung pergi lain. Atiqah sambung clerk kes dengan hati sayu.

I told this to my dad "rasa macam kurang kasih sayang, nampak bos dan bos cam Ika pun Ika rasa happy nak peluk dia" and he said I have been loved.

---

I admit I love Ortho and it is officially my favourite and most beloved posting (poor me I still have three postings to go through yet not giving them a chance to woo me). But I hang out professionally with my Surgical brothers despite never really proclaiming I love Surgery, because truth is I have not been able to pinpoint what I love about Surgery.

And I believe I am in the team. Surgeons are keeping me in the loop and one even updated me the case like I am their own. Even now when they do they rounds and they see me nearby they tell me things like "Atiqah, team round kena join". I know they're joking because cmon I am a HO serving another department, but in good faith they are making me feel like part of the team.

And so, I stay. I don't deny I am fickle but I have always been loyal. Now to return all those faith with hardwork and studying.

---

It's decided. I'm going to be an Anaes HO for the sake of hanging out in OT. When it's Poknik or Abengoh in the lead I will ask my MO's permission to join them instead.

"Poknik nak close boleh? Pleaaaase."

And Poknik will say yes.

Because Ortho MOs are my MOs and friends, I owe them four happy months of my life

If I have to choose between my Surgical bros and my Ortho MOs, I'll choose Ortho in a heartbeat. Like that one time Luqman came to review an intraabd in our ward and saw me and wanted to pull me out for breakfast but Dr. Syahmi just pulled me down to Orthobay and I told him

"Sorry bro, oncall, Orthobay dah manggil."

And Luqman was

"Bro, you turn your back on me."

So I just waved the diva goodbye.

Come to think of it, it's always been work before bros. But I can see events play out. Like Luqman calling me out for a cuppa but then I saw Kak Lin and immediately hug her and make plans, even if she's busy have to go to OT I'll follow her with a "I'll scrub and assist".

He will turn disapproving and say "Bro we made plans first."

And I'll be crude and say "Who are you" and pull Kak Lin away.

Or if I meet Poknik or Abengoh on the street and I'll ask them what were they up to, is there a case to see or somebody's leg to mend. I'll follow them and if I'm jobless need to attend OT to regain my senses, I'll choose an Ortho OT with either of them or Pokpa over Mr. Tar and the crew.

Because I'm, as Kak Paan said, already in the Surgery team. So I'll be fickle and spend my free time with the team I like the most, where I flourished most Surgically. Which is the Orthopod.

---

Hatim saw that I enjoyed Ortho very very much. I told him yeah, if I decide not to take Paed I'll be an Ortho Surgeon for sure. I told him because that was where I sharpened my skill surgically so I owe them a hell lot.

Hatim said it was owing to the fact I was a third poster in Ortho (damn imma fourth poster now what the hell does it mean) with more confidence in myself and the MOs can see that,

"and all that owes to the basic you gained from Surgery. So you owe it to your first posting as well."

I know he's right, but it doesn't change the fact I love Ortho most. Haha. You know how you're in love with someone but you marry someone else? This must be it.

---

When we were in HKL for the Masterclass, Vicky went around introducing me to some of the other Master students. There's this one Chinese MO I didn't catch his name, but V introduced me to him as "she's my HO in Kota Bharu, doing Paed Surgery, she can do appendix already."

And my face went 'where the hell did that came from' because we all know HRPZ ain't Kuching.

When we were leaving they were trying to pull me out of following Mr. Tar to the airport via taxi and join them for a cuppa instead. Luqman was being stupid and questioned why would I rather go on a date with an old guy and I would have hit him had I the energy. He didn't know I was feverish TRO dengue.

I think V knows I needed the company and transport because of my health issue. But he did encourage me to spend more time with them (I spent most free time hanging out with V because I don't have other time. I can spend time with Luqman in KB if we choose to) saying to the Chinese MO

"This girl she's so straight. A ruler will lose to her." Because I, really, couldn't say no to Mr. Tar.

"Then the ruler has a problem, not her." Was what the MO said. Haha. I need to put a name to the face soon.

---

Btw Vicky send me an email editing my abstract. I need to sleep two hours ago. I'll read his email tomorrow... haha.

Bros

I went to work. I was the first HO to arrive haha why oh why. I was feeling nauseated since the car ride and was barely standing during second patient review.

Surgery came to review around 8 plus and I saw Luqman came in later but I didn't say hi nor did he saw me. I later went to the counter to trace results. Then suddenly someone showed up leaning in from my left.

"Why are you crying?"

"Huh?" It was Luqman. "I'm not."

"Your eyes are red. You look like you cried."

"Nauseated since morning."

"Why are you working?"

"I'm still on MC. Datang to test power. Sabtu dah oncall."

I went back to work. I felt sicker talking about this. He turned around and just before leaving back to join the round

"Good luck."

"Thanks." I remember thinking luck is all I have now, strength not so much.

We didn't talk much. Me from lethargy, him from not knowing what to say or less likely from not wanting to tire me more. Later I went to the toilet. My face was flushed. I looked sick.

Why are we doing this again?

Today I watched The Dark Knight Rises on KIX. I was inspired by Batman.. to take an eight years leave.

I am tired. Good thing is that this isn't just my talk, my dad notices this as well. I am officially still riding on the aftermath of dengue with hepatitis. I feel like I'm running on a third of my usual battery.. I really want my energy back.

Aunty Lua my insurance agent came over today. I thought I was okay but holding a conversation with her took more from me than I expected. She said I looked so tired and was even sweating. Yeah I feel exhausted when all I did was talk to her.

So I mentioned to mom I'm tired, more tired than doing tagging, and feel like taking a one month leave. Mom told me to stop whining and be grateful I don't have kids or a husband yet... what? 

This means I am back to work tomorrow. Not excited. Let's just live one day at a time.

When it rains, it pours

As expected, I had dengue. Not just NS1 positive with warning signs, I came to the hospital late with compensated shock. Stayed a good five days in the ward, clocked an RM9,000 bill and discharged with hepatitis. And it's worsening.

I was given MC until next Thursday but I'm a houseman, I've used up all my leaves for this posting unless I go to work tomorrow. Not a problem.. except I'm not 100% confident enough. I'm pretty sure I'll pass out at work.

Now what?

---

I don't get much visitors so those who came deserve hall of fame. Mizah Muhammad came on my second day of admission when I was having high grade fever. She came through the door so chirpy with a basket of apples and flower and I would throw my phone at her for being noisy had I not felt so lonely.

Pofin and Akram came and God, I love this Pofin guy. He was so annoying I would throw him out of the window had I have the energy. He stared at my untouched lunch hungrily so I offered him and dude ate my linguini in creamy sauce with the gusto of a famished mountain man. Then he made himself at home, cleaned after himself, studied from my book and then the both of them took me down to Gloria Jean's. Mom gave the go because I needed the change and both said they'll have my back should I fall. (I didn't fall, I cleverly leaned on the wall most of the time).

Kak Rehan brought Ezma with her and we gossiped about Paed staff.

Teacher Midah came telling me about some news regarding my primary school acquaintances.

Kie came during my defervescence phase, just as I was feeling better and we dissed each other a lot like good old times. Yuni then came with Amalina one of our primary school senior.

I was sleeping from Piriton when Fadzlin and Gmah came. I greeted them sleepily and Gmah was postcall so I invited her onto bed with me and we slept together while Fadzlin went for prayers. Haha. The next thing I know Cikgu Na came for a visit, the girls excused themselves and I was hell groggy. After that Kak Rahimah came.

---

I told Paed Chief HO, my wardmates and the Sinetron. And on my third day of admission I posted on FB of my relationship with the overly attached bastard that is the IVD out of boredom and some other people knew from there... and my mom FB posts.

Vicky knew about my condition and followed me up from the moment I left for the airport until I was warded. He's what a brother is made of. I didn't tell the Surgical Team about this. If I tell them, I'd expect them to come visit and if they didn't, I'll get sad. So I didn't.

On Friday night, Luqman messaged me asking if I was still warded. I said yes. He asked KPJ? I said yes. And that's it. I remember thinking his ears are quite late this time around, hurry up come visit me, of course I wanted the team to visit me because I am attached to the team and I am manja like that but nevermind, I shouldn't bother the team like that.

Then the next morning Dr. Norita said I can go home and rest and mom was excited (she's more tired than I am, taking care of me. She expressed the concern for me to get married so to be less of a burden). So I messaged Luqman telling him I'm discharging after Jumaat prayer. He asked if I'm okay. I said I will be.

Truth is. I'm lethargic as hell. I can't walk around without needing to lie down soon after. I eat a few mouthful and felt short of breath. Haha. This is really tiring.

---

I've long know I am reckless and bad at taking care of myself. See coming with compensated shock. I'm lucky I wasn't any later than I already was or I could have gone into refractory shock and die. I'm lucky I got away with hepatitis and just that.

When will I learn.