Lately I don't have motivation to come to work. When I wake up I will look at the clock and roll around finding excuses not to get out of bed until it's 7.30 am.
"I have a terrible stomach ache."
"My head hurts very bad."
"My car broke down."
But I will be afraid what I lie comes true and I love my car too much for that. Then I go to work wording my sentence. Repeatedly in my head "Sorry I'm late. I didn't want to come."
And I punch in still on time.
Was reviewing patient when Mr. Ashok called. He's not oncall, what did he want?
First he asked was I asleep. "Tak saya tengah review patient, baru sejam keluar OT and baru habis round dengan Miss Rahilah."
Have I eaten ("Belum, tengok patient pun belum habis haha.")
Asked about two patients (ah so this is why he called.)
And then he asked me if I'm oncall anymore this long weekend.
"No, no more calls this long weekends." I worked all week two weeks ago and last week I did calls on weekend already, gimme a break.
I wonder where this questions are going to.
"Okay. Have you seen that new Mr. Bean movie?"
"You mean the latest Johnny English?"
"Yes yes."
"No I haven't."
"Go see it. I highly recommend it."
"Better than the previous one?"
"Yes yes. Non stop laughing from start to finish."
"Okay I will. Thanks Mr. Ashok. Have a good night."
Today I understand why people who are hurt inside tend to do physical harm on themselves. It distracts you from the pain you're feeling.
I almost feel like jumping out of this sixth floor when I realized I didn't realize this POD 7 patient has a serosal injury repaired intraop. Dude, I was scrubbed in! Where was my head? I'm so disappointed in myself...
My other surgeon asked me about this case and I effing answered uneventful you can see how bad that was. She lamented "Atiqah awak salah bagi information kepada saya lagi.. macam mana saya nak harapkan MO macam ni..." In a casual manner before talking about something else entirely. I'm the most senior service MO now so can you see why I feel like taking a fatal jump now?
Hahahaha oh dear how exactly does one get better?
Finally end of the week. Walked through the hospital parking lot and called dad, told him tomorrow I'm free, course the next day, free, oncall, then working day per usual.
So I'm planning to go to Kota Belud. Now. I want to catch some stars.
Dad asked where Kota Belud is.
About 65km from here.
An hour plus drive. How's the road.
Proper tarred road. Hilly at one part. No lampu jalan.
Alone?
Yeah. As usual.
He gave some points. Dad is never really the one to outright say no to me, to any of us. He never 100% disapprove anyway, but I know going here and there is his way of disapproving...
Never mind dad. I don't think I'll go.
But I think he understood my need to just.. go somewhere to cool off. Like really. I don't know, I just.. need to.. I don't know.
He said it's because I'm alone and I don't have family around in Sabah. I don't disagree, I think he might be right. I'm not this buas at home, I'm really a couch potato at home.
"Solat, doa banyak-banyak."
Yeah like what else am I supposed to do. The sea is right close by but I want the river.. I really want to, just drown somewhere..
Anyway. The friends are coming down to KK tomorrow. Problem with them is they like malls. I'm done with malls and I really need to go to some sungai. I miss not having people around me. I don't want people around me.
And I'm the Clubhouse Gatekeeper so they will need me to pass them the keys at least. They said to meet there at 9. Can I, like, drive to Kota Belud tomorrow after Subuh? I think I will. But who should I leave the key to?
Should I endure this? Meet them at 9, then chao to Penampang, go to Sungai Kibunut? They can join me if they want, or don't, even better.
I'll go meet them later. I have course on Sunday anyway, I'm gonna meet people anyway. Should I check in that Hutan Lipur Kawang at Papar? Spend Monday morning awake in the middle of the hutan before going back to civilization and do calls Tuesday.
Yeah that sounds like a plan.
I'm frustrated. I'm not good at asking for help, what more delegating. It's easier to do it myself. But then there's too much to do and I overlooked it and no one does it.
And it falls on me.
Miss was saying "you senior pun you tak boleh handle jugak haa" in front of the rest of the MOs and I know she's the type to say it as it is. Yes, it doesn't matter that I become more frustrated after she said that. Just because I don't feel like doing it doesn't mean I can just not do it. That's irresponsible. I'm not irresponsible. Things have got to be done anyway.
I can't say that I miss having Abe Khai, Abe Eswaren, Waina around because they're my seniors and they have left us. I'm the most senior service MO here now. I have to get this done.
The good thing about Miss saying that in front of everyone is that now everyone knows I can't handle it, so everyone has to chip in and carry the burden anyway.
As us MOs were discussing, she joined us and said "Atiqah I can see that you're frustrated."
So I just admitted it. "I think I'm frustrated because I haven't masuk sungai dah dua minggu."
She said I need referral to Psychiatry for always thinking I need to go into hutan, into sungai.
I hope I can master the art of not showing how I feel. Can I be Sai, always smiling? Fake smile but still smiling. But that's not real.
Haru & Associates