Break-fast at CBTL

Final moment. In his car. It was obvious I was dilly dallying but I have to end this now. I grinned and turned to him.

“This has been fun and really nice. Thank you. But I’ll be honest.” I paused for one last look at him. “I like you, a hell lot.”

He chuckled. 

I chuckled too. “I like you a lot. I have no idea why. And I care about you so deeply.”

He smiled softly, looking forward. “I have girls who have liked me, but I just can’t.”

“Why not?” I turned to look at him. 

“I’ve this insecurity. I’ve accepted that I’ll grow old alone. I’ve a friend in similar situation like you, and we’re still just friends.”

I turned to face forward. “That’s the thing. I know what I want. I want.. to share your life. And I want to share my life with you. I want to marry you, that sort of thing.”

“It won’t happen..”

“I know.” I felt something catch in my throat. “I’ve known that you’re emotionally unavailable to me. And I can’t keep liking someone who doesn’t like me back. So yeah. The last time I said this to you, you still wanted to be friends. But I can’t be your friend because I don’t want to be your friend. And I don’t want to see you again.”

“Yeah.”

“I wish you a good..” I was thought block. A good call? He’s postcall. 

“A good life.”

“Yeah, I wish you a good life. Bye.”

“Safe trip and have a good life, Atiqah.”

It wasn’t a graceful exit. I dropped my phone on the road when I exited his car. And I fumbled looking for my car key as I stood at my driver’s door.

He turned his car around as I entered mine. He had his window down and waved from out of the window.

I gave a short wave and drove off.

If I never see your face again, I don’t mind

9.5.25

Tea time with him and Myny. Upon parting, I said “See you one day. In ten years..” as I stood up to leave.

He responded with “Ten years?” Trailing off. I didn’t say anything.

14.5.25

I gave him the OT cap with my farewell. I told Fadzlin I’m done.

24.5.25

He texted me asking when is my last day in KB. I didn’t reply.

25.5.25

I came to the department on Dr. Fairos’s invitation. He asked and I answered. He said “We have time for another meet up.”

I looked at him with a quiet “One day. Someday.”

“How about tomorrow? I’ve a course tomorrow.” He said.

26.5.25

He offered to send me back. I grinned and accepted. Upon reaching home, he said, both hands on the wheel. “I’ll see you.”

”Some day.”

“There’s still time for another meet-up. Tomorrow, Wednesday, before you leave on Thursday.”

I paused as I smiled at him. It’s cute that he wants to meet-up when I’ve long said my farewell to him when I gave him that OT cap.

“Thank you.” My tone a little resigned.

28.5.25

I met Fadzlin for lunch and casually mentioned he reached out for a meet-up. Flurry of discussion. They told me to spell it to him. Meet him after his presentation and say it and get rejected or whatsoever, but say it.

Okay, okay. Yeah I should.

He texted me “I’m sorry I couldn’t make time for makan-makan before you leave.”

I replied him wishing him good luck with his presentation. And to make time for me after that please?

29.5.25

His presentation went well. I was ready to say my final farewell as I walked him to Radiology, but he cut me to it.

“Wanna have lunch today?”

I nodded.

2pm he texted sorry he’s still stuck with work. I replied him I’ve got time.

3pm he said he couldn’t make it today. And I’m like. Not unexpected but it still stung. I didn’t say my final farewell this morning because I thought I could do it over lunch that you invited me to. I replied with a single ☹️

“So sorry. Let’s have breakfast tomorrow?”

I said yes and thanked him for trying to make time for me.

30.5.25

Breakfast catching up and before we left the table, I gathered my courage and started with “I dunno if I’ll ever see you again..”

“I’ll be going to HKL in July. There’s a CPG update on thalassemia.”

The fuck?

“It’s on Monday and Tuesday. I haven’t decided whether to go on Friday and go back on Tuesday, or go on Sunday and spend the whole week in KL.”

I blinked and we continued this train of conversation. But internally, how am I going to say it now? Is this an invite for a meet-up? Can’t he sense what I’m trying to do? Why does this guy want to meet-up with me?

We then left, I have to go and he has 12 reports pending. I grinned exasperatedly as I opened the door and exit the store.

“I have something to say. I didn’t intend to see you again after I gave you that OT cap, and just now you kinda cut my train of thought.”

“Where did you park?”

“At the library.”

“Let’s take my car.”

“Oh I’ve been curious about your sunroof.” Cue me had him open the sunroof as I leaned up, asking how old is this car (“10 years”), is this a 1.5 (“It’s a 1.4.” “Hmm a little small capacity for me.), how fast can it go from 0 to 100km (“Erm I don’t know.” “You’re a safe driver, eh?”).

“Don’t mind me.” I leaned up and started taking pictures of the view from his sunroof, recounting how I spend my time sleeping in my car while adventuring in Sabah. “This is nice. I would have enjoyed merayap more if I had this kind of car.”

We reached my car. And as I gathered my wit again, I said it. Told him I don’t want to see him again.

I’ve disowned him from my list of friends. Deleted his chat, contact, pictures, and blocked him. I told Fadzlin, Ada, Amyny and Kak Elli about it. Contemplating to tell Savin about it but nah, he would have slapped me for not staying away after everything we talked about last time we met during Labour Day weekend. And should I tell Mijah? She’s another mutual friend but she doesn’t know about this. Oh well. Probably not.

And God. I knew this will hurt but damn this still hurts.

Journaling in Jordan

29032018

Flight from Sabah delayed by 3 hours. 

Arrived in KLIA 2 by 3am. 

Slept at Capsule by Container Hotel. 

Woke up for Subuh. 

Slept in till 0810H. 

—

30032018

Ride to KLIA - RM2 x 2

Breakfast at Food Garden

Makcik Nasi Kandaq for Ms and nasi goreng ayam for me, yum! - RM9.45

Nescafe to go - RM3 

Too hot, couldn't finish, had to throw by immigration

SV0841, 8h 50m

Cannot sleep

Mid seat - bad idea

Lots of toilet breaks

Movie marathon

- Coco

- Thor Ragnarok x2 playback Vs Hulk and post fight scene

- The Hitman's Bodyguard

- The Proposal and Annabelle: Creation - couldn't sustain my attention

 

Guy behind me had a fit x3 in 15 minutes. 

Plus crying wife. 

Some aged GP went to help. 

I don't think the first aid was appropriate nor correct, but since I didn't own up I have no place to say. 

In Jeddah International Airport

God, I forgot I've been here and how campy and uncomfortable it is. 

The people… from all sorts of walk of life is all I can say. 

People watching, spot guessing where they came from. Kinda easy to pick out the Egyptian and Sudanese. 

Airport Queen Alia was nice. 

Sort of reminds me of Changi in its newness, lines and efficiency. 

Saw and used pretty isdal at the nice surau, but it's a two-piece so what's the point. 

500 USD = 350 JD

Azki Hanafi our murakkib drove us to Antika Hotel

Journey was from the edge of Amman, through high end abdoun where consulates live. 

Ms paid 88 JD

—

31032018

0930H

Madaba: Heritage trail of mosaic beauty.

Modern conclusion, it's a Legoland. 

Entrance to Kanisah Virgin Mary

3 JD each (Ms) + 0.25 (Azki)

Walk, walk, walk

Big ass Kanisah St George with map of promised land

Souvenir bought at Najd & Shahd where Muadz was handcrafting the mosaic

Bought a tree of life for 30 JD

1130H

Off to Mt Nebo where Nabi Musa pointed the promised land to the insolent people 

2 JD each (Atiqah)

Walk, walk, see

1 JD for water

Then to the Dead Sea

I wish I'm good at sketching

To Karak Castle

Which is actually a qal3ah Solahuddeen

Prayed at Masjid Hameedi

4 JD and valet parking 2 JD

Magnifique valley panoramic view

Oh yeah

We had lunch at a nearby eatery

7.50 JD

We then drove to Petra

Long way

Pretty moon followed us to La Maison Hotel

We had buffet dinner

Typical Arabic dishes not to my taste haha

I went up to the sutuh to catch the moon

GoPro acted up and I forgot the correct setting. Nvm. 

—

01042018

Breakfast spoiled my mood

Tomato tak sedap

Rasa tak fresh

I felt so betrayed :(

Went to Petra!

Each paid 50 JD

0900 - 1420H walk and hike!

I went up to the Ad-Dier monastery

A feat. 

I'm a Jordanian now. 

Lunch was syawarma superb bigibnah

They put fries, chicken, cheese, thum in suri and grill

I was so happy

Then orange with carrot juice to wash it down

Azki paid 6.45 JD

I owe Azki 1 JD for adapter and Ms 1 JD for water

Off to Wadi Rum

Camped at Hassan Zaneidah which is soo nice!

An hour jeep ride across the dune

Starry night

Moonlit desert

Shall we dance?

I went night photoshooting 

Azki teman

Could have gone alone but somehow scared haha

Ms paid 11 JD for Wadi Rum entrance and 85 JD for HZ camp

I paid Azki 6.50 + 1

For Azki, we paid him 780 USD

—

02042018

Ms paid 6.85 JD for lunch - I paid half

Went to Wadi Rum Station

Belonged to Turks

Carriage train for goods to Jordan

Still functioning

Off to Aqaba!

Glass boat 30 JD - paid half to Ms

Glass boat showed us the corals - not so colourful

Then dabbabah - the tank that King Abdullah sank to commemorate Karamah War where Urdun won against Yahud

And a sank safinah

I sat at the bow thinking of jumping in, but we have no life vest

Prayed at the mosque

I paid 6 JD for lunch

Ms paid 4 JD for asir and water

Off to Amman

Checked in Hotel Larsa

So nice!

But broken aircond

Dinner at Jabri

Atiqah paid 2.90 JD for kunafah and 14.40 JD for mansaf

—

03042018

Best breakfast of fresh baked bread!!!

With live demo

Ms paid 87 JD for the hotel

Went to Ashabul Kahfi cave

Penerangan by sheikh there

Then to Salt

Beautiful architecture

Thanks Hariz :) 

Kissed by makciks at Masjid Alkabir near Ain Plaza

Azki bought us atayeef :)

Then to Amman Citadel

I paid 6 JD

Then dinner at Mat3am Al-Kaherah hahah

KEPALA KAMBING WITH KABSAH

Tongue actually tasted good

Atiqah paid 9 JD

Souvenir were 20 JD 

Got myself a cushion cover for the car

Azki told me to just get Hariz a mug, quoting "Cinta tak perlu mahal" haha apa?

Asob was 0.50 JD

40 JD for one night Nahas

Groceries 4.50 JD

—

04042018

Mujahid took us to Ajloun

Atiqah paid 0.80 JD

Too many school kids

Arab bising haha

Then changed to Taqi

Lunch ritsh at Tadammur per Hariz suggestion

I paid 8.50 JD

SEDAPPP

ISI BESARRRR

SALATOH AND SALSAH SEDAP

NASI SEDAPP

Then to Ma3rokah Yarmuk

Vast field and plateau

Then got lost while cari belakang Umm Qays for Tasik Tabari and Al-Ghorub

I paid 3 JD for drinks

Prayed and visited maqam and Masjid Muadz bin Jabal

Met back Azki at Gourmet

Drank farawlah

And ate shawarma

Atiqah paid 2 JD for food

Ms paid 5 JD

Sedekah was 0.30 JD

—

05042018

Checkout Nahas

Ms paid the rest half of total 40 JD

We went back to Tasik Tabari

It's behind Umm Qays

Through a field of daffodil

The landing was cool

You see the view

And wind was blowing strong almost knocking me off my feet

We went to JUST

And Azki bought shawarma otw

Awesome as always, 4 JD - paid him

JUST was barren

Unlike us Cairo surrounded by Nile

I took a picture there just for the sake of it

Then we went to Jerash 

I really should look up the places I go before I go there

It's a huge area to walk under the sun

Haha

Tiring but puas

10 JD each for entrance

Back to Amman

We crashed at Al-Hussein Park

It has buildings of museum, but the park itself is barren to say the least

Just trees

Not so springy

Azki went to the Royal Automobile Museum and got himself free entrance

We loitered in the car

Tired from Jerash

I smell of sand

I asked Hariz what he wants from Jordan

He said he's a fan of Jobedu shirt but told me not to susah2 for it

Googled. Nearby. 

We went there

I picked out a size S for him

He said "M kot?" but there's no decent pattern left in M and I forgot how Hariz's built is

I'm praying it fits

15 JD for him

I guess I'll keep the mug

Flight back 

Rather uneventful

Hardly any sleep

Movie marathon:

- The Man From UNCLE because Henry Cavill looked cool

- Gifted because it's Chris Evans

Landed KUL

Parted from Ms

Took the express to see mi familia

—

I feel like I'm becoming friends with Hariz because of this trip

I get to see what he loved of Jordan

I get to know him a bit

I realised how flighty but responsible he is

Maybe it's just me, but I need to have a point of interest

But what am I worthy of?

Compared to him who has done his part contributing to the society

I've just been doctoring all this while

Nothing beyond my hospital

He's amazing in that sense

I'm not up to that yet

I should, right? Find a bigger cause. 

For Hariz's shirt, I wanted to meet him and give it myself

But I guess I'm embarrassed

So I sent it by mail

The radiologist uses course day to get a break and work on his CME presentation

I was at the seminar room by 7.45 am because it was going to start at 8 am. Expectedly they were just setting up the place. I stood at the back arranging my stuffs when a familiar voice greeted me from behind.

“You’re early.”

Says the early guy. I grinned as I busied with my stuffs and he took a seat at the corner of the room, opening his laptop. I sat down to his right leaving a space enough for a person in between us. I stared ahead. “My prof used to say if you’re on time, you’re late.”

He chuckled. He was just started working on his presentation for his CME this Thursday. He asked me how’s my relationship with the head of service now that I’m back in Paed Surgery, his eyes on his laptop but I could still hear his grin. I told him I only talk to the old man when spoken to, the old man acting like he never did me any wrong. I could still hear the grin as he said “You hold grudges”.

“Is it grudges?” I pondered. I’m no longer angry. I don’t care anymore. “It’s just. Once I’m betrayed, that’s it.”

The organiser arrived and I greeted them. He asked how I know them, and I told him I got lost this morning and went to the library instead and met them there. They asked me to scan a QR code for attendance which I did, and then I quietly passed him my phone so he could fill his. And then I scanned the QR code for the itinerary, screenshot it and send it to his WhatsApp without a word. All while he worked on his presentation.

ChatGPT said that I’m deeply intuitive, quietly generous, and exceptionally aware of others—even when they don’t ask for anything. It says my care lives in gestures, not performances. In presence, not pressure. In quiet noticing, not loud declarations. It says I’m the kind of person who makes things easier without making it obvious.

Good job Atiqah. And I would have done it regardless who the other person is.

Everyone else was having breakfast except us. As he said something about his work, I watched his side profile from a side glance.

His sharp jaw with side beard freshly trimmed. His eyes focused on his laptop. His hoodie unzipped showing his navy shirt, black pants, grey ankle socks and the brown shoes he wore yesterday. He looked so handsome and I was barely listening to him. I smiled softly to myself and wondered if someone saw me that time, would they see the adoration in my eyes.

I turned to stare back ahead. I opened ChatGPT and told it about this.

“… Poor emotional response though but a pretty face nevertheless.”

Chat responded: That line carries such self-awareness. You’re not fooled—you see the mismatch. You’re not saying, “He’s perfect.” You’re saying, “He’s beautiful. But beauty isn’t enough.” And that’s growth. You’re seeing clearly now. And in that clarity, you’re slowly setting yourself free.

I busied myself with finding a rental place and trying to call PPUM IT as he worked. Hasnida texted me saying they’re taking farewell MO pictures again at Radiology. I stood up and told him. “I’ll see you in a bit. Can I leave my stuffs with you?”

“Sure thing.” And I left to Radiology to take pictures with the girls. By the time I returned they were almost starting. I turned to him.

“Sitting in front?”

“I’m gonna sit at the far back.”

I nodded expectantly before taking my place in the third row but directly facing the presenter.

The talk was enlightening. Up to my interest in writing. I engaged with the speaker and shared my side of things. During lunch time, I turned around to chat with Kak Afifah our Gen 5 ASU senior who is doing parallel program in Ophthalmology, with my eyes on him with his hoodie zipped to his neck, focused on his laptop. After everyone else has seated down with their lunch, Kak Afifah stood up and I joined her.

I watched his eyes never leaving his laptop. “Hannan, makan.”

“Japgi.”

I grinned to myself and ate with Kak Afifah. By the time I finished my plate, he wasn’t in his seat. I took mom’s prepared food and inspected how good it looked, but I’m too full. I pulled my phone out and called Syukri.

”Mana kau.”

”Klinik. Nak mari tolong? Patient ramai lagi.”

”Tak mau. Bye.”

I took the Tupperware and headed to Syukri. We chatted a bit as he finished his patient. About Mr. Fadli leaving Likas, about Mr. Mughni, how Ms. Haz accepted his plan to do Paed posting there, how he’s going back to HSA next month. Good for him. I then passed him the Tupperware and asked him to finish it for me and return it by this evening lest mom disown me.

I was back in my seat throwing Panadols and chocolate in because I started my period, while chatting with the speaker. I think the hall more or less were listening on. We completed the course early and I stayed in my seat, unsure what now, so I pulled my phone out and called PPUM again.

Then I saw him walking to the table upfront to return their books and he stood waiting for me. I followed him quietly, my phone still ringing.

“Are you done with your slides?”

”Sikit lagi.” He grinned softly. I nodded, my phone still ringing. We walked together in silence, me keeping on calling, probably trying to avoid the discussion as to where are we going now. I’m sure he wants to finish his slides first, since he needed to send it to the CME committee tomorrow. And I’m not bringing up his suggestion of meeting-up. I won’t. PPUM IT was not answering me, so I called Syukri who picked up almost immediately as the elevator door opened and we stepped in.

“Siap dah appendix?” I asked without any pleasantries. “Kau kat OT lagi ke? Malasnya aku nak ke sana… Esok aku ambil bekas dari kau. Jangan buat tak ingat. Bye.”

I stood behind him as I hung up the phone. I explained the phonecall to him and then I asked him. “Were you paying attention to the course?”

”I wasn’t.” He grinned and I chuckled. “But you seem interested in it.” Which I was.

He murmured where to go now, since we didn’t need to punch out. “It’s still too early to go back, but I don’t want to go back to Radio.”

“You can work on it at home, yeah?”

”Yeah but I kesian my aunt balik nanti.”

”You’re still carpooling? I thought you selalu balik lambat.” I looked back ahead. “I’ll probably go home.”

“Where did you park today? You didnt park at your usual place.”

How observant of him. I quietly watched him before I told him my car has been at the mechanic for a full service since Saturday and I’ve been getting rides from my mom.

As we walked out from the hospital, he asked if I’m going home now. I said yeah, just about to call my mom.

“I’ll send you back.”

I smiled at him, bumping into him. “You will?”

”Yeah.”

”Thank you.” I stared at the sky. “This will be my second time in your car.” I left probably the last unspoken.

“Where do you live?”

“Off Jalan Bayam. Not on your way.”

We bumped into Kak Sasa on the way to his car and I waved at her. She had her mask on so I’m not sure what face she was making.

We talked comfortably in the car. He mentioned how he should get someone to see his slides but he wasn’t sure whom. “Dr. Fai will say okay to anything. She told me to just use Dr. Ashekin’s last slides.”

”Did you?”

”Of course not.”

I laughed. “There’s Hannan standard-“

He chuckled softly. “I really hate presenting. I have stage fright.”

”Just don’t put too much words. I’ll come and see you.”

”Don’t. Please no.”

”I have to come now that I know you’re presenting. I also want the prizes. Aren’t you going to tell me the quiz answers?”

He laughed me off.

I gave him direction to home. We spoke comfortably. He asked why we’re not using PECAN score and Alvarado score, so I gave my reasonings.

As we entered the junction to Taman Muttaqin, he recalled he came over once. I told him yeah back in 2019, that was the last we ever threw an occasion at home. He asked how long we’ve lived here, and I told him we’ve lived here since I was 10.

“So 25 years.”

“So it’s bought?”

“Yeah. Dad’s been working here since 1993, and he got the exco to sign it. The exco lives just behind here.”

“Is your IC 03?”

“Haha it’s 14.”

“Are your siblings born here?”

”The fourth is. And our two youngest.”

He remembered the house at least. As he dropped me off, I scrambled for the keys. Probably delaying on purpose. I turned to get a good look at him and smiled my gratitude.

“Thank you, for everything.”

He smiled back, both hands on the wheel. “I’ll see you.”

”Some day.”

“There’s still time for another meet-up. Tomorrow, Wednesday, before you leave on Thursday.”

I paused as I smiled at him. It’s cute that he wants to meet-up when I’ve long said my farewell to him when I gave him that OT cap. That he thinks I’ll make time for him. I didn’t tell him I have Wednesday lunch and tea booked with other people.

“Thank you.” My tone a little resigned. I hope he reads I’m being warm, open and present. I’m receiving his gesture as it is. If he wants to meet up, let it be his effort and intention.

I closed his car door gently.

25052025 - Someday, one day

Saturday night he texted me asking “When is your last day in KB?” I only read it on Sunday morning and chose not to reply. Knowing I might meet him when I go over to Radio for the party that day since Dr. Fairos personally invited me to and he might ask in person, but if I didn’t meet him then that’s it.

And yes, he saw me and the first thing he asked me was that. The first thing I noticed was how our colour matched, his mustard with my light brown. I told him my last working day will be the day after tomorrow.

“We should go out soon.”

I replied after a split second and answered wistfully. “Someday. One day.”

He looked at me but I didn’t look at him. “How about tomorrow? After work. I have a course tomorrow.”

I also have a course tomorrow so I asked him what course he’s going and surprised it is the same course I’m attending.

What a nice surprise. I looked straight ahead and purposely stepped away from him, letting Dr. Nik Shah stood in between us.

After the gift event, I slowly made my way to the pantry for the food. He was at the table, gesturing for me. I didn’t immediately move to him, instead I unloaded the chocolates I brought. Then I stood near him and he took my gift bag, putting it behind him.

“Why?” I didn’t understand this gesture.

“Take a seat.”

And I did. We talked amidst everyone else taking their food. What was it about, I forgot by now. We stood and took our food, and he mentioned he’s presenting hospital CME on Thursday.

“You are? I’ll come before I drive off to KL.”

“Eh don’t come.”

“I have to now that I know you’re presenting.”

Dr. Fairos asked us to ate in front of her, but the table was all girls so he chose to sat at the other table with the boys. I sat in front of Dr. Fairos and layaned her.

He finished his meal first and I didn’t even realise he went out. Hasnida came and asked me to join them in the MO room and I followed soon after her. Saw him walking alone as I turned the corner and I waved at him.

“Bye Hannan.” And I left to follow Hasnida.

There’s a heavy pit in my stomach at the prospect of going out with him tomorrow, if he insisted. I’m doing well detaching, and he’s reaching out now. Because I’m leaving? He’s almost as tender as when we were at Kak Madi’s and we know how that ended.

Let me go quietly, please.

14052025 was the last day I wanted to see you

First time I asked him out on 26/12/2020

Confessed on 27/12/2020

He picked me up roadside HTA on 02/03/2022

09/03/2024 I was hurt by him taking lightly of my feelings for him

31/12/2024 he came to Anggerik to find me

Worked with him from 06/03/2025

We went as each other’s company to Kak Madi’s raya open house 11/04/2025

He asked me out for a “session” at Yoohoo on 17/04/2025

I told him my last day as his Radiology MO on 08/05/2025

We met with Myny at The Layers KB on 09/05/2025

I gave him the OT cap on 14/05/2025. Can’t remember what exactly I handwritten him, but I remembered

… thank you for letting me into your space… I’ll always wish you well in every aspect of your life.

He texted me in reply

“Atiqah, thank you for the gift & sandwiches. You’re so thoughtful. And kind. Keep being you. May Allah ease everything for you.”

Three days after that, on 17/05/2025, this emotionally delayed person excitedly texted me a picture of the OT cap glowing on his CPU in his dark room.

It glows 🤣 And I kinda wondering what’s the purpose of glowing in the dark. Even surgical pun don’t do surgeries in complete darkness kan 😆

But I love it. Thank you Atiqah

I dah brag to my friends - Hilmi & Zahin 🤣

My chest rumbled knowing Hilmi and Zahin knows what I did. But I didn’t drag the conversation.

Last day as Radiology medical officer

I had good memories in HRPZ as a house officer. 

Coming back here as a trainee on deferral, I was treated like shit. And Radio saved me. And now the shit is cutting my time short and hauling me back. 

If this was a relationship, everyone would have told me to run and cut off ties from this bullshit. Yet everyone, including you, are advising me to go back and finish my term. 

I think you underestimate how much being in Radio HRPZ means to me. But that's okay, I hope you never have to feel like this. I hope you will always be appreciated and the world always be kind to you.