That time when L was trying to be thoughtful but I laughed at him and called him a 'fanboy'

"Are you okay?"

"What is your definition of okay?"

"Are you alright?"

"What is your definition of alright?"

"Alright is okay."

"I think I am. I sleep well. But I am a bit bothered. They keep coming at me everyday. Show of power.. macam samseng pun ada."

"You know what the song says. What doesn't kill you.."

I laughed. "I edited those words before. What doesn't kill me makes me pissed off."

---

They're telling me to not think about it, but I'm a known case of overthinking. I used to have sleep issues because of it. This time it's eating my waking hour.

Give me tons of work. Idle Ortho is not good.

In which Haru sounded hopeless

My MO was making conversation. Asking where I graduated from, where I'm from, tak puashati when I said I'm a Kelantanese but I don't speak Kelantan much.

"Awak dah kahwin?"

I never like it when a guy asks if I'm married or not.

"Belum."

"Akan?"

My life flashed through that moment as I thought it seemed impossible in this near future. Aku akan kahwin dengan sape? So I answered a short "Tak."

MO sounded surprised. "Tak?"

Then I realised how my answer sounded like. Couldn't have been gayer hahah.

"Eh I mean. Takde la 'akan' tapi bukannya 'tak'. Adeh."

He laughed. "Lucu la awak ni."

Kenapa orang tanya kahwin dah ke? Kenapa tak tanya dah ada plan for Master ke, beli rumah dah ke...

(Haru: Sebab perempuan normal kahwin dulu baru pikir pasal Master, hahaha)

Dad is a consultant so consult him I shall

Last Wednesday some MO from other department yelled over the phone at me and her accusation was dangerous as it questioned my credibility. I decided to document the conversation in the BHT as verbal abuse.

The next day she stormed into the ward demanding to see me after my documentation circulated back to her. I was in the clinic hahaha. Damn relentless woman. My colleagues who were in the ward instead of me told me she questioned them about my background, since she has been yelling at every HOs without anyone making any formal complaint so why is this Atiqah documented her as verbally abusive?

Apparently I'm the one at fault for not tolerating her madness. Haha.

Anyway. Long story short she was beyond pissed and I'm a target now. I think I did the right thing by documenting as such. I will not let abusive people run free on my watch.

Dr. Iqbal told me he has my back on this issue. Miss Maz told me to not worry, though I may not get to be in that particular posting because of this. I almost regret it but what's done is done.

Yesterday after wrapping up at the Orthobay at midnight, L invited me for a cuppa at the stadium. He asked me what's new. I told him I bought a car. He gave me "No. What's new?"

"So you heard. How'd you know?"

So the Surgical Family knows. I wonder what they think of it. Our conversation made me realise friends are people who concur with you and have your back, while brothers are people who may not be on either side, claim to be biased because "I consider you my... ally" but mostly ask you whether you think you did the right thing.

Bro, that is what have been gnawing my mind since the incident.

Luqman thinks it was good someone stood up against her but I shouldn't have documented in the BHT. BHT is for formal legal documentation of patient care. What happened was personal. He thinks I should have lodged an incident report.

I don't want to do that. Report will be brought to higher ups attention and they will investigate thoroughly. If the MO is a Master student it will affect her performance. I just wanted to raise the issue of her attitude.

He said he's not anyone's side. He told me not to be offended. I was nearly offended he asked me not to be offended, since when are we that polite to each other? I'm not a sissy girl please.

I told him Miss told me not to worry and I hold onto her words, though I owe her an apology for giving her headache. He said not to worry about not getting into Anaes posting, in fact he was looking forward to see me in Anaes. And finalised with

"She can't do anything to you. I have a strong feeling about this."

Then the next morning, Wahida was informing OT to Dr. Nik Ariff and know what he said to her?

"Awak la yang terlibat dalam isu haritu kan? Bagitahu Atiqah dia dah tak selamat dah. Satu hospital dah kenal dia."

And Wahida overheard (over the phone) Dr. Ariff talking to another person beside him

"Ala Atiqah, anak Dr. Hanifah. Ayah dia kerja sini. Dia tu tegas sikit."

When Wahida told me that, I grinned. I know he is a nice guy, and it was nice of Dr. Nik to warn me, but why? It could be interpreted as a threat, no? I wondered what he meant by "tak selamat".

Second, I feel like I need to apologise to dad. I've tarnished his name.

The issue was eating me from inside and I felt sick. But it could be because of lack of food and sleep, I did vomited fluid and acid content that morning before Passover. So that evening, after I wake up and had early dinner, I went to dad and said

"I want to consult you on something."

"Apedia?"

I told him about Dr. Nik. He told me so what. People talk.

"Masa papa MO dekat Melaka, papa gaduh dengan Head Department Anaes. Dia ban papa dari masuk OT. Papa argue dengan dia, I don't care who you are this is for patient's care. Tapi bila doktor O&G sendiri request papa masuk OT, papa masuk je la. Nampak head Anaes tu buat dunno je la."

I laughed. Damn no wonder I'm like this. I thought I got this from mom but really, this is dad's gene alright. These people were right to bring dad's name into this matter hahaha.

Never mind all those doubts, just make progress

Some days I'm all hyped, I want to be a surgeon, I will be, where's my book I need to study, hands should not be idle must practice hand knot, what are the latest updates, what tendon is that again?

Other days I'm doubting what should I do with my life, have I really decided what lifestyle I want, am I sure about September exam when what study schedule am I exactly in, we bought a house a car and probably a cat next but when are we getting married, who should I marry, wait do I even have a candidate in mind, why would I get married when I couldn't even wake up in the morning, are we really sure about this Surgery thing?

Those some days are the days I hang out with my brothers.

---

Vicky is leaving for UM end of this month. I should see him and soak all advice before that.

Medical was fun. Exhilarating.

Boss Mat: Patient ni Killip berapa?
Me: Killip II.
Boss Mat: Killip V camne?
Me with a grin: Killip ada sampai empat je boss.
Boss smirked: Nasib baik.

It was my second last oncall in Medical. Dr. Mat Zuki would probably extend me if I fall into his trap haha thank God Dr. Haslina drilled me about MI few minutes before that. I am thus forever indebted to her.

Please pray she is eased in her Masters study and her life. She's in a long distance relationship with her husband. Their first child with him in Perlis and she's with their infant in Pasir Mas.

Setiap Jumaat ada sinetron. Orthopod is relatively too relaxed.

Dr. Faris datang untuk buat round. Semua HO pergi ke arah dia. Tetiba aku terdengar suara dari tepi hallway.

"Takde HO nak round dengan saya ke? Saya pun MO Ortho jugak."

Aku berpaling. Kelihatan MO third call berdiri seorang diri di tepi dinding menanti round. Beliau kelihatan kesunyian.

"Boss." Saya sengih dan ikut MO pergi ke Kubikel 5. Sedar aku sorang je HO yang ikut dia. Weh apsal semua ikut round Dr. Faris?

"Mane HO lain? Saya MO Ortho bukan MO Surgery."

Sedihnya ayat tapi lawak la cakap camtu. Aku menahan diri dari gelakkan bos di pagi hari sambil menaip dengan laju kepada group WhatsApp HO Ortho "Dr. Annas cubicle 5 Cempaka. Come please save meeeeeee".

When I become an MO

I want to be as cool as an MO as Dr. Nik Abdullah is. To be dedicated and do fast round before going back in the PM, to be friendly with both his superiors and subordinates, to amusedly teaches clueless HOs.

Haru is a spoiled brat

When we were leaving Singapore, the guys were talking about how much Sing dollar they still have and need to change to RM. Luqman turned to me and asked how much I still have.

"A lot. I took my dad's and will pay him back the amount I used with USD dollar."

Translated to I will pay my back dad more that I actually owe him because of the rate difference. Luqman gave me a near-disapproving look.

"Spoiled brat."

I guess I am.

Regarding that car finance, the Kuwait guy has been asking me for the document of my house loan that stated I'll start paying the house loan three years from now. The car dealer guy has been calling me in the middle of work because of it too. It is brain-draining to entertain non-work issues during work and to read that thick document with alien terms all over the place so I have been putting off that since I value my time and brain cells too much.

Who cares about car loan. Worst thing is that I don't buy a car and have to walk everywhere. Not owning a car does not significantly affect my days but feeling pestered by people does. I felt pestered and I hate feeling pestered.

Today on my off day morning, after helping with the laundry and finishing a can of coffee, I scanned through the house loan bank offer letter. And my eyes watered in frustration. I don't understand shit their terms. I'm a medical doctor for god sake, I'm not a law professional. Studying for graduation was way easier! I should be studying for MRCS instead of working my brain to read this document. In the future I will hire a lawyer or marry a law-savvy man to take care of this thing for me, but in the mean time why the **** am I entertaining the Kuwait guy by trying to read this document!

Dad was getting ready to send Yaya to school so I quickly told him of my difficulty and pointed out to him the closest thing to what the Kuwait guy wanted to know on the document, but it was still nonconclusive. I don't understand their term. Dad too did not. He suggested I ask our house loan officer about it. Good idea, I still have her number. I went to get my phone and told dad

"Ika rasa disusahkan. Paling senang Ika nak cancel je dengan Kuwait ni."

Like I said, it is better for my life in general to not own a car than to feel pestered by people. I know it's not very adult to settle an issue by not dealing with it but my current priorities are my work and MRCS. If I need a car later on then I leave this shit to Future Atiqah to handle, hopefully she has developed more wisdom and patience than me.

Know what dad said?

"Kalau dah rasa disusahkan, kita cancel je la loan. Bayar cash."

Dad and mom proceeded to discuss regarding the payment plan and I automatically remembered what Luqman said about me and sniggered.

Degraded

That case I helped Luqman and Dr. Aizat made into a poster. I traced his BHT from the record office and put it at Luqman's column shelf over last week. Today I went back there to take it back to the record office.

Dr. Annas was there, doing office work. He saw me taking the BHT from Luqman's column and sniggered.

"Awak jadi setiausaha Luqman dah sekarang?"

"Haha nasib."

Damn got degraded. Dude better belanja me "kepci".

Yaya and dad

Dad: Yaya nak jadi ape nanti?

Yaya not answering.

Dad: Surirumah?

Yaya laughed: Kalau kahwin dengan orang kaya.

Dad calmly: Tak payah la kahwin dengan orang kaya. Rezeki akan datang inshaAllah.

Quality care or don't care

Aku bukan senior pun. Baru third poster. Tapi aku dah develop bad habit. Senang rasa nak give up dengan patient maka jadi la macam merciless sikit. Contoh situasi aku bagi dua.

1) Venous access susah.

Kalau dah known case of susah nak amik blood ikut vein, aku cakap direct, aku poke artery terus. Especially kalau dah nak blood banyak. Tapi aku tak pernah amik blood patient tanpa minta izin, bagitahu nak amik ikut mana dan untuk ape blood tu. Dan aku akan amik cukup2 je, tak lebih dan tak kurang.

Especially sejak dah masuk Medical. Imagine makcik obese, ESRD. Mampus la nak poke tiga empat kali semata2 nak amik blood. Kalau aku ikat tak jumpa vein, aku minta izin amik ABG terus. Atau tengah patient collapse, lagi la. Takdenya aku nak amik radial artery, unless patient cuma gasping je possible je radial artery tak collapse lagi. Samada aku amik brachial atau pergi femoral terus.

Pernah ada makcik ni, vein dah thrombosed sebab selalu dah kena amik blood, refuse ABG lepas aku dan geng try amik empat kali during that sitting. Nangis dia taknak bagi aku amik ABG.

"Makcik, saya tahu darah nadi lagi sakit dari urat biasa, tapi kalau saya amik darah nadi, sekali cucuk je dapat. Kesian makcik saya dah cucuk empat kali dah. Saya takde niat nak sakitkan makcik, tapi kalau tak amik darah ni, kita tak tahu darah makcik cair atau pekat macam mana. Nanti makcik senang berdarah atau darah makcik beku, paling teruk dapat stroke sebab kami tak boleh adjust dose Warfarin."

Makcik senyap tapi masih tak bagi.

"Makcik, klinik INR dah panggil makcik dah ni. Saya ni dari 7 pagi semalam lagi kerja (waktu tu dah 10 pagi). Bagi la izin kita meneruskan kehidupan masing2."

Makcik senyap dan tak izinkan juga.

"Takpelah makcik tak nak bagi. Bye."

Dah tu aku nak buat ape? Habis dorsum, forearm flexor, cubital dah poke. Buat sakit patient je. Aku pun dokumen je la dalam BHT.

2) Patient tak bagi amik blood atau pasang branula atau any basic intervention

Petang tadi, Fayuni minta tolong aku amik blood culture and sensitivity patient dia. Pagi tadi dia try tak dapat dan patient refuse. So ni nak try balik. Aku pun pergi ke patient dengan glove sebagai tourniquet sementara Fayuni prepare barang.

"Pakcik, saya Dr. Atiqah. Saya nak amik darah pakcik sikit, nak tengok kuman-"

"Jangan! Tak payah amik darah aku!"

"Kenapa?" Aku dah berkerut dah ni.

"Doktor amik sebab nak buat kajian, nak study je."

"Apehal pulak. Kami amik ni sebab nak tengok kuman ape-"

"Tak payah!"

"Kami bagi ubat mati kuman untuk pak cik-"

"Aku kata tak payah! Aku tak nak!"

Fayuni dah siap tarik aku tepi. Aku tak puashati.

"Apehal pulak pakcik ni. Dengar la dulu."

"Aku kata tak nak!"

"Dah tu masuk hospital apesal?"

Aku memang tanya soalan tu direct dekat patient dan ye, memang dah tiga patient aku lari dari hospital lepas aku tanya direct macam tu. Aku paling menyampah patient ingat hospital ni rumah kebajikan. Katil sorang satu, makan tiga kali sehari. Kalau tak nak rawatan, duduk diam2 dekat rumah. Masuk hospital tambah penyakit je, pakcik ingat nosocomial infection ni boleh sembuh makan Panadol je ke?

Aku pun paling ke Fayuni. "Ape masalah patient kau ni? Gedik. Biar aku nak dokumen dalam BHT."

I will love you tomorrow provided I'm not busy

Last night was supposed to submit our (so much for our, I was just helping this and that and Luqman did most of the work if not all of it) poster for the College of Surgeon Annual Scientific Meeting which is happening in two weeks time.

We have been in correspondence via email as Luqman told me to when he told me he will be away for a while. Being me, I don't ask personal stuffs like where he's going and for how long. But the other member of the poster, which was a happy surprise when I realise it was Dr. Aizat the Bapis-look-alike registrar, told me Luqman went for umrah.

These guys are weird. Dr. Aizat will ask me to ask this person or that instead of asking himself, and on the other hand Luqman will ask me this and that too. I was the middle man. Finally I pointed this out to Dr. Aizat and he said "You're the anchorman. In a game of tug war, you're the one at the back haha."

"Woah I must be so strong haha," I replied back wiseassly.

Anyway, so last night we planned to submit. Luqman said to submit once got the go ahead from Mr. Zuraimi and by midnight. I emailed him back asking whether we would submit by midnight eventhough Mr. Zuraimi did not say a thing by ten, and may I not wait till midnight as I plan to sleep by ten.

I was off that day but barely sleep in despite sleeping at 2am and it was a postcall day the day before, all for the sake of this project. I want as much sleep as I can get before working the next morning.

Luqman didn't reply me until later that night. I was half asleep on the couch with my phone beside me waiting for his go-ahead. He then messaged me at 10.15pm saying nevermind, he got this. Proceed with sleeping.

I don't like it when people use nevermind with me. Nevermind to me carries a sort of dejected finality. I was happy to help, in fact I wasn't actually sleeping and waited for him. But he's a guy and I take guys at face value. When Luqman said proceed with sleeping, proceed with sleeping I did. So sleepily I replied him "tqvm L" and went to bed, leaving my phone in the living room. I don't sleep in the same room as my phone unless I'm oncall.

Then at 11pm, mom came into my room with my phone and woke me up.

"Kakngah, ada call."

I looked at the phone to see the call was missed and the caller ID was Luqman calling via WhatsApp. Maybe Luqman accidentally hit call. Maybe he changed his mind and need something with the poster. But what matters most is that it was not a call from my specialist, MO or HO colleague, so it's not something I screwed up at work.

"Hmm takpe ma. Tak urgent." And went back dead asleep. I'll love you tomorrow bro.

The next morning I emailed him asking is everything settled and why did he call. Again he replied nevermind, settled. That evening, after coming back from work, I asked mom.

"Semalam masa Luqman call Ika pukul 11 tu, call tu lama ke sekejap?" To assess whether it was an accidental dial or was it deliberate.

"Lama."

I laughed and told mom about our project. That bastard, so you did need something. But I was glad I didn't call him back wahaha.

---

So I messed with Omar the other day asking why did he not attend the CoS, and that I'm helping Luqman and Dr. Aizat with the poster.

"Mantap. Gabungan MO favourite dan registrar favourite."

"Luqman is not my favourite MO. MO tak patut ajak HO melipat. Sebab tu saya tak panggil dia doktor dah."

"I'm going to screenshot this and show it to him."

"But he is a favourite bro."

A favourite bro. I hope he reads the in-between line that Luqman is not my only favourite bro, bwahaha. Damn I need to stop amassing bros.

Dah 25 pun kena ngasuh budak ni hmm

After Maghrib, mom said to me. "Kakngah, boleh minta oncall hari Jumaat 27hb ni?"

"Oncall Jumaat? Kenapa?" To request with the HO leader will require a reason. Is the family going somewhere on Saturday Sunday?

"Mama nak balik kampung, andak buat kenduri. Sabtu petang kami balik la Kelantan."

I immediately understood the situation. They're ditching me! "So nak suruh Ika oncall? Fine."

The parents laughed at me. Fine. I'll even sleep in at the hospital on Saturday postcall. Come pick me up later ;(

Miss Atiqah

Mom has been suggesting me to buy a car. Finally they are admitting I need my own car to wreck (havoc in). Like the good daughter I am, I went with mom's first choice of model and colour. A Ford Fiesta in True Red colour.

She's buying from her staff's husband which makes it all easier for me. Encik Ehsan came over to our place on my off day today and let me test drive the car. I told him I'm a low maintenance person, as long as it's fuel efficient, has an easily accessible service center and can go fast real fast (I sprinted up to 100km/h in the city, felt bad for him if I went overboard) I am okay.

He said he'll send the car for service since he understands my workload. Bwahaha that sealed the deal, but I would have bought the car anyway. We don't mind waiting as long as we get the True Red colour (mom chose and it does suit my on-road demonic nature) and a 6565 plate number.

I paid RM1000 booking fee and we're paying 50% down payment and applying for a 3-year car loan. Encik Aman from Kuwait Finance called me and said I am illegible for three years since I have a house loan, but I told him I am applying three years because in three years time I am paying for my house loan. He said he'll rearrange and need my house loan offer letter in the meantime.

---

So to review my adulthood checklist:
1) career aim and progress -checked
2) apartment -checked
3) car -checked
4) other half -hmm oh well
5) other income -yeah this one is next. I yet to reapply to buy stocks after my last visit there.
6) Russian Blue cat -after I establish my own place

Angin bayu mengkhabarkan aku rindu

So I pulled an EOD oncall (again) over the weekend and on presenting a case at Yellow Zone to Mr. Rashidee, he suddenly commented

"Kenapa tangan awak bergetar?"

Everyone laughed. I stopped halfway presenting and stared at him. "Bergetar?"

"Saya ingatkan angin mana tiup kertas tu, rupanya awak tremors. Takkan takut dengan saya?"

"Saya takut Tuhan je bos." I laughed when I noticed yes indeed my left hand holding the clerking sheet open was shaking. I know I routinely have tremors that has a relation to coffee intake and withdrawal, and wondered about my prospect in Surgery, but at that 8pm, most probably I was hypoglycemic.

"So this patient-" Coolly I continued.

---

The next oncall was OT duty. We opened two OT and did a total of 7 operations that night with the last op ended at 3.30 am. I was damn sleepy but content. When I first entered Orthopaedic Mr. Che Wan suggested me to pursue in hand surgery and I get what he's getting at. It was quite comforting repairing at a microvascular level.

That night I remember trying so hard to stay awake in one op that I was merely observing. It was an open reduction and cannulated screw insertion for a neck of femur fracture in a 16 years old boy. I tried studying on http://emrcs.com, I tried studying in my head, but of course none worked. I actually thought of someone, of happy thoughts to stay awake only to end up smiling silly at myself.

I guess no matter how content you are with your job, sleep is still required.