22 hours for Syaza

Operation was 22 hours. Boss, my registra and I unscrubbed at 15 hours after the adhesiolysis was done.

The only reason I scrubbed out was because other MOs have arrived to relieve us and Miss told me to unscrub because she said I looked out of it. (At 7.30am I was retracting for Boss and didn't retract with the strength he needed and I apologized to him like Sorry Boss, sorry. He said Not your fault, not your fault). Miss The Champion carried on with morning team while the three of us napped at different corners of the OR.

Boss thanked us for assisting the OT and I told him I'm grateful he's giving us this opportunity. Miss in her tiredness ruined the mood by saying we stayed because who else is going to stay? Haha she's right. But I'm a sucker for my Boss and I go where my Boss goes. He operates 15 hours, I assist 15 hours. He naps, I nap. He scrubs for OT elective, I hung around. I'm actually a monkey.

So Boss scrubbed for elective case and I pestered behind him. We were talking about that ED MO who passed away in his car. Boss told me "Atiqah penat, jangan tidur dalam kereta. Balik rumah selamat. Atau tidur tempat ada orang, tidur di wad kalau perlu."

I was thinking of sleeping in  my car actually after been working for the past 36 hours straight. And I've slept in my car on few occasions without telling anyone about it. When I got into my car, I think I fall asleep a bit with the engine running. Maybe 15 minutes? I sobered up, remembered what he said and drove home. And I accidentally dragged my car across the cement pile in the garage.... Urgh.

Yesterday when we were stuck in OT from 4pm onwards, the married guys get a phone call later at night from their wives. No phone calls for us single girls. I don't know what that made me feel, but it did made me think. No one looks out for you when you're far away and alone. Single people have high risk of dying in unlikely places because of this.

So if you're remaining single, then you have to be cautious and play safe. Don't have to Facebook all your activities and locations, just keep a good head and common sense.

Rebel

I got my hand henna-ed the other day. Ara and I were walking in the mall and there's a stall open for that. Ara's getting married soon so she suggested we get henna on. I agreed. Never got one of these anyway.

My only concern is how is my workplace going to take this. You can still be a professional with drawings on your hand, right?

I looked at their selection of designs. I thought of taking their cheapest, RM5. But they're all floral designs. And then I locked eyes on this swirly tribal-like design. The main design will be on the dorsum, a partition on the wrist and extending into the forearm.

I asked the lady to draw the main design on my forearm instead, so it will be subtle and with my sleeves pulled out, can be seen peeking out.

It turned out pretty. Doesn't look like a wedding is coming up. Straight up "Atiqah got tattooed" kind of like.

Maybe I'm in a rebellious mood. Next thing we know my hair will be purple.

Less than two weeks and I'm getting calls again

I was watching YouTube when he called me. It was 9.30pm and by default I don't accept calls at that time, but he's family so I took the call after two rings.

There was a loud music in the background. He sounded a bit higher pitched than usual when he greeted me a "Hi Tiq!"

I immediately laughed and cringed oh God help. "Are you high??"

"Damn how did you know?" And he started his string of F words.

It nerved him that I could smell his state from being so far away, but I did. Because I've seen him high and I remember it because he was odd. His tongue became loose, he became more cheery. He's usually cool and collected, the good older brother persona. I know him enough and I was right. Sometimes I hate it when I'm right.

He kept on cussing but I could only laugh, what else could I do? Why is a father of four, married man, first year trainee high in the middle of the week?

He started telling me about his day. About his current posting and the cases he's seeing. About our friend. How Dato Z caught his attention with his guts. How he's being true to himself. How he thinks things are F up. Things he says when he's high. I wonder who supplies him. I wonder if I should worry about him.

He got extra philosophical and whimsical. He told me good things are never easy. He told me how sad and lonely it will be if at the end of the day you're alone and no one at home for you.

I never really ask him about his family, but I hope everything is well for him. Maybe that's why he talks to me because I don't pry. I'm not good at prying because I don't like to pester. I'm more into as long as you know why you're doing what you're doing rather than the tiny details of it.

It did hit me a tiny bit though. But he didn't suggest I start my own family. He knows I'm fast losing interest in those kind of things anyway. I will make my parents cry.

In the middle of the 30 minutes call, he saw a husky being walked and he got super excited. He asked if he could make a pillow out of it. Huskies are the best, I told him, but if he approached the person in his state they might call the police on him. I told him not to make Mr. Tar ashamed.

So that's how I knew he was outside, maybe in the park. I asked earlier but he only said he was out in his roundabout way of answering so I didn't ask more. He sobered up soon and thanked me for allowing him to call me.

"Thank you for allowing me to call you in this state." Was what he said.

His choice of word was interesting. He's family so I will always take his call. Urgh I had a bleeding patient when he called me two oncalls ago and I picked his call up. But I know me. I don't think I'll ever call him first, or anyone first. I'm lame like that.

It did cross my mind that he's calling me when he got high. He called me not even two weeks back after a night of getting too high. I don't want to ask anything, but I hope everything around him is fine. I hope he's happy and healthy, and I told him that. I hope he got home safe.

He said he is near home. He's always more philosophical when he's high but he sounded more normal by then. He told me to take care and to always have my socks on.

"Don't forget to wear your socks!"

Weird advice. Yeah blister is a bitch. Is this guy going to be okay? Whatever. He'll be okay. He never get easy things his way  but he's always been okay. He's a survivor.

I hope he doesn't get high anytime sooner, but if he does I will remember not to nag. Just listen him out. And maybe call someone in HKL to subtly look out for him. Ask Kak Elli to check up on him?

Crazy is back

Yooo what's up it's Haru and time for some Facts About Mehh

I get carsick.

I don't like to use much effort for eating.

But most importantly I've short attention span.

I have a fixed background infatuation and some intermittent short lived infatuation. Like a patient controlled analgesia using morphine with a background morphine infusion. I can only have one shot of PCA morphine with a five minutes lock or something.

My fixed infatuations are Mitsui and Jackman.

My intermittent 5 minutes infatuations are numerous I always feel embarrassed to admit this. No wonder Pofin called me a play girl. It's not that I'm playing, it's that I'm not really ever damn-I-wanna-live-with-you-for-the-rest-of-my-life serious. So I'm bouncing from one to another. Maybe show some effort for a change but mostly just slacking off.

Should we list it down?

Maybe not. We'll regret this in the morning. Don't write what you don't want to be permanent.

And then I write things down because when it's penned it's out of my mind but always around

The thing is, last night around 8 plus almost 9 Luqman messaged me asking if I'm on tonight.

I was going to ask on drugs or something but I decided to keep my tongue in check and asked "On what?"

"Call."

He wanted to call me. That's funny. I don't remember we ever talk much on the phone. We previously just meet. Or random text. I've never called him for the past year so why suddenly?

Is he in trouble? Or worse, am I in trouble? What did I do?

So I called him. He didn't pick up. He returned the call immediately and said he'll call me in a bit. I told him to call me anytime.

I waited till almost midnight but screw that bugger I need my sleep I've to work tomorrow. When I woke up, I read his text asking if he could call me in the morning or something.

I told him I have locum OT today, so to call me after 1pm. We texted in between cases and I texted him once I was done.

He called me around 2pm. I was having my first meal of the day. McDonald's as usual was a bit noisy so I ditched my chicken, was responsible and cleared out my table awkwardly holding the phone to my ear without it touching my oily fingers. Then I walked off to my car to carry on the conversation.

See I like him that much. Bastard should be grateful.

We talked about how's life and the people we know. One interesting conversation point was Omar is now a trainee doing his Paed Surgery rotation in HUKM. Luqman just met him few days ago and Omar said he didn't like it.

Me: Why? Omar doesn't like Paed Surgery or he doesn't like being in HUKM?
Luqman: Not everyone is like you.
Me: What do you... Oh you mean he doesn't like Vicky?

Vicky is also doing his Paed Surgery rotation in HUKM. Haha. These people have long had this subtle not subtle beef with Vicky.

Luqman: Congratulations. Right answer.
Me: I've always liked you guys. The only person I didn't like from Surgery HRPZ was Mr. A***.

---

He told me he feels like he's on good term with his supervisor in the programme. But he felt strongly it was because of who his father is because of the comment his supervisor made.

And this is why Luqman is my brother. Because we basically live under the same shadow and can relate to one another.

I just told him "It's okay." Because it is. Can't exactly do anything about it.

---

I admitted to Luqman I'm eying someone but it's a work in progress.

"What's this? I've never heard of it."

"I'm not exactly telling anyone about it." Oh but the girls know because I've always been nonchalant about my crushes heh. I'm seeing things in a rational way. It's good that I have interests, no? Proofs that I have a healthy hormonal system and that I'm straight and not asexual.

"Thank you for telling me. Congratulations."

"But it's a work in progress. And I'm dangerously losing interest. I can't hold my attention long with these kind of things. I have actually turned down four people..."

And this bitch kept count because she's a rational person who knows what she's doing.

Since I'm such a rational person, I know I want to get married. Except not now, not tomorrow. I feel like I've better things to do, and the person I'm eying has also better things to do and doesn't seem like he can handle the commitment. Me too. At least not now.

---

62 minutes on the phone. This was a personal record. I've never been on the phone this long with anyone and I realized why. Because I think I am hard on my hearing. It's clumsy to hear over the phone when both of us like to mumble our words.

And then it hit me. Did he call to check up on me? Because that really what it was. Did he do that because I got all sentimental that one time we texted longer than usual, about how I needed to call him but couldn't bring myself to call him?

Dammit bro. I hope this isn't going to be a thing. I'm a wild kid and don't need brothering. I always come around, don't I?

Fighting off sleep because Luqman said he wanted to call but screw him it's 2335H already and I have locum OT cm.

So the year is ending. My resolutions were actually:

1- Find something to go home to.
So far it is my bed. I'm basically failing.

2- One hike per month.
Oh who am I kidding. I stopped hiking and thus counting.

3- One poster per three months.
That was too ambitious. I'm lazy.

I think that was all. Haha. Should we do this again next year? Make resolutions and not achieving them?

Sending Vicky off

I picked Vicky up from the airport on his first day in Sabah and I sent the bugger off on his last day here. Six months has flew so fast. I asked him to conclude this past six months and he said

"You have grown more matured from last time."

That's good to know but "cmon I was your houseman what three years ago." #HOpalingmanja sudah jadi #MOpalingmatang hahaha.

He told me I need to base my judgement on knowledge and not just experience per se, and to lay off spending so much time in the wilderness, and to study.

Yeah old man, I'll maybe listen this time. I told Vicky I won't miss him because I know we'll meet again. He grinned but saw the water in my eyes, told me not to cry and then smacked me for real. Bugger.

Afterwards I went to catch the sunset at nearby Tanjung Aru. It's pretty. I sent this picture to Vicky as his flight departed. The sun doesn't actually set away, it's the earth that has been moving around. And so do we. We move around, we come and go. Life goes on. 

"I'm gonna go cry in the bathroom now."

Actually I miss Luqman so much. Really really miss him. He is my brother and I always go to him for all my problems.

And I'm having problems at work and I'll remember he told me to call him for anything but I'm bad at calling people and I don't want to bother him and I'm an all-round brat so I never did. I'm not good at prying and barely know about his circumstances. But he's always around for me whenever I reach out for him.

Anyway. Today I texted him to spread the pride of Vicky conquering Lowe's Peak. He asked me if I went up with Vicky.

I told him no. And that I actually just got back from home because I needed family comfort and Mr. Tar's pick-me-ups.

He asked why I needed pick-me-ups.

So I told him my situations. And bla bla bla.

He said I can always call him if I needed someone to talk to.

I told him I remember that every time but I'm a brat.

And now I'm crying. Urgh such a spoiled brat.

Maybe I should just randomly text everyone that crosses my mind with some carefully worded words of what I'm feeling. Not creepy enough for them to think I'm dying or something though.

Somehow I went reading through past entries and came across the Tag PTSD. It was when I was going through that fire at my apartment.

Truthfully I forgot how the whole ordeal ended. I remembered I went up some stage somewhere to receive the money collection from the Embassy and I asked for help from the Ambassador while I was onstage.

But I couldn't recall whether that help was asked before or after I gave up after going to the third police station in Cairo to settle the legal issue and achieved nothing. I skipped few classes for that. And I went by myself because I couldn't bring myself to ask someone else to skip classes to help me, only to settle nothing. They'll only be coming along for company, and having company doesn't settle things.

At first I was struggling to get myself back. Afterwards only I realized I had everyone around me with me. Lin organised for the girls to make that huge card for me. I still have it. Oh God. Ah, I'm wiping tears.

Thing is. I cried a bit reading those back. Can't believe I went through those but I did. Maybe that's why I'm so stubbornly independent. Must be.

My past self did a good job penning those words down. I know I wrote some of those with tears down my face. Didn't expect to have a bit of tears down my face reading them almost four years later.

After I restarted life with the Muntalaqians, I think it was around that time that Hariz's place caught fire. And then another girls' place in Mansurah.

Next time I swing by HRPZ, I will go see you

Every time I go back to Kelantan, I'll be sure to go back to HRPZ. I know, lifeless much yeah, but I really love the memories I have of this place. This place has taught me a lot on life, on humility for the past gruelling two years of my housemanship.

Most of the time it's an impromptu visit and I don't make arrangements to meet with anyone. I believe in this thing called "jodoh" haha. I used to meet up with Luqman every single time I stop by even without making arrangements to meet him. We just cross path and I'll accomodate myself to his plans. I miss this old brother. I hope he's well in UM.

Anyway, God will always put in my path the people I'm thankful for.

1) First person I meet was Mr. Zuraimi hahahahahahaha what a joke. I felt so bad because I see him at the hospital more than I ever tegur him at home. He lives two houses away and thank God he was his jolly self and still recognise me.

2) Kak Salehah, my Paed Surgery MO. I had something for her hehe. The housemen said she left to go back already but when I pass in front of the pantry, I saw a laptop bag with casenotes in one bag. Only MOs do that. I swung inside and there she was eating her late lunch.

3) MR. TARMIZI yazzzz last time I only got to say hi boss sihat? and give him his Raya package because he had other meetings, but it was past office hour and he invited me into his office! So happy, regardless the first question he asked was when am I applying for Masters. Followed by what surgery can I do now and when am I retaking MRCS. Ahh.

It's always stressful to meet him because it's like a status update of where am I at becoming a surgeon. I can't tell him I'm indecisive and want to play around more. But I'm grateful he's taking the role of a mentor, so I need to show my gratitude by being a good mentee.

4) Abe Nik my Anaes MO whom I'm friends with on Facebook. It says a lot when you add a colleague or superior on Favebook, for me it means I like them as friends and respect them enough to want to be in the know (I have three Anaes MOs and two Anaes consultants on my friendlist, and only one Paed Surgery MO how about that?).

I saw him but he was on the phone so I'm like should I say hi or not say hi. I then took my phone out and kept walking. He called me out hahaha. Thanks Abe Nik, you and your dramas, but I still learned a lot and had so much fun in Anaes and will always be grateful for them.

5) Saufi my Cairo senior who is now Paed MO. He was going to ACC OT for a standby so I walked with him. It was a funny talk really. Saufi was saying how he sees me so happy in Sabah going here and there. His single lady colleagues are taking leaves and going overseas for travel while he's here saving for a wedding, for his future kids, to buy a house and to retire.

... Okay Saufi. I'll do that too.

I want a Bucky!

I'm a bit obsessed with Captain America. Reason being because he has someone he would sacrifice and fight the whole world for, which is Bucky. I want a Bucky too.

So I've had
1- two Captain America shirts
2- an infant Captain America onesie I wear on my bear
3- a Captain America wall sticker
4- a Captain America phone cover
5- a Captain America cable organiser
6- two Captain America cable covers
7- ten Captain America's shield iron-on patch
8- Captain America stamp!
9- Captain America pens
10- Captain America passport cover

It's not much, really. So I ordered some more.
11- two Captain America carpet
12- Captain America USB drive
13- Captain America socks

My parents laughed. Dad said I'm embarrassing him hahahahaha that's the first time I'm hearing this.

Ascending viral infection

My ward is cold, OT is colder, ED is coldest. My sweater was in the car but I was running between ward and OT and ED with no breaks in between so I had to suck it up. I ended up worsening my runny nose and my eye went running as well. The problem wa I had no non-sleepy medication on had. There was no Clarinase in stock in our hospital. I cannot risk taking a Piriton and not woken up for whatever. I was oncall.

I was able to sleep at 3. Woke up at 4 for a referral that after assessing the child was a TRO acute appendix in district and was stable, I went and forgot what it was about. Woke up at 5 groggy as hell with partial airway obstruction, made coffee and showered. If anything else, I need to clean up.

AM round and my nose was ahead of me. Started clinic and my eye got worse. Had to apologize to all my patients for having such a germ-infested doctor seeing them today.

Break. I met Boss and discussed this and that. Then I asked him what he had planned in the evening. Any teaching, meeting etc. He had a meeting so I asked him if it was okay if I sit out from round and crash down a bit. My nose and eye were on a marathon.

He grinned "Teruk sangat ke oncall semalam?"

Yeah it was horrible. You almost made us laparotomy a child at 11pm Boss. I almost cried when you decided that but I would have done it anyway, work is work.  Sleep deprived is something we face everyday, nothing new.

But I can't handle running organs Boss haha. I just needed to take some meds and I'll be good. At the expense of sitting out on PM round.

Boss said it was okay. He asked about our sleeping arrangements in the MO room and volunteered out his office for us to sleep in.

But I felt bad. I felt, weak? I can't complain to an almost pensioner, it's not fair. He had worse during his time and there I was asking to step out.

I went back to ward. Rummaged through our in stock medicine cabinet. Took what I needed and sat on the couch in the MO room. I fell asleep few minutes later.

Guardians of the Babies

Here in Likas we have guards guarding every ward entrance. I'm quite familiar with the guards who are stationed at my ward and some periphery wards we're used to commuting to.

You should know that the guards in Neonatal wards are familiar with postnatal moms coming in and going. And whenever I go there at night for my oncall rounds, sometimes they'll stare at me a few seconds before allowing me in. I heard they couldn't decide whether I'm a postnatal mom because I was selekeh or I'm a lost teenage kid.

This happened during my last call. There's this guard who is about my height, male, he has this smile that is friendly and very welcoming. That night he opened the door for me and asked me

"Kau umur berapa? Nampak macam belasan tahun."

I stopped to answer him. "Aku 28. Kau?"

"Aku 24."

"Kau juga macam belasan tahun."

We're now on an eyebrow-raised acknowledging level.

Public holidays are good days for laparotomy

I'm oncall tomorrow on Deepavali. I'll be alone MO oncall gor Paed Surgery besides my oncall surgeon.

Today at PM round that extended until 5.30pm, we decided for two laparotomies coming morning. And one trauma case transferring from Lahad Datu.

Did I say I'm the only MO oncall alone tomorrow?

I'm gonna go get sushi tonight...

"I look around me and see a sweet life."

Today the team went for lunch together. In my car.

Carine was promoting how I keep my car clean. Mr. Ashok commented my plate is almost akin to my name. Then he opened the passenger door, looked around and said he should get his car cleaned as well.

It was a bit funny. I hardly ever have a passenger as space-occupying as Mr. Ashok. He filled up the space in the passenger seat and he looked like he needed more leg room. But Visha who is just a bit smaller than him was sitting behind him so I don't think he has the choice of reclining the seat.

He sat there with his schoolboy grin. He looked around curiously. Pointed out "What's that?" at my MP3 USB and wondered what kind of playlist I have.

I turned the system on. Muse was playing Supermassive Black Hole. Haha.

Then he turned to the passenger door and held up the thick Grosfeld's Principles of Paed Surgery I had there but barely open. His grin looked happy.

"Now I know who to ask questions to."

I'm screwed. I need to study harder.

Take a step back and make a list. And then kita susun mana satu nak buat dulu. Which is food. Let's get food first.

(1) I realized no one discussed next week's OT with Boss in clinic yesterday because I was oncall yesterday and was stuck in OT since morning. Takde orang discuss, maka takdenya orang call patient for operation la kan?

If I didn't discuss, no one does. Why? Should I have asked someone to? But we're a team and it's our team's OT, isn't it?

Or am I shallow and naive? Yup, I am. I should have asked someone to do it.

(2) Today is 30th already but I haven't finalized next month's roster. I drafted MOs side two weeks ago but as I presented to my colleagues it, one by one my colleagues came to me with their requests that they didn't put up on the board. And I obligingly edit again, one by one. I am nice to everyone except to myself.

After the fifth editing, and I was asking Vicky again what date was that he was busy, he answered vaguely and said "You don't need to think so hard."

I snapped. I told him I need to think hard if I want to accommodate everyone, which was my aim.

I should have put a lesser aim and just dish "Request lambat, aku tak layan. Kau buat jadual sendiri." or I try harder. I chose the latter, which makes me feel like crying.

(3) Visiting Ranau tak setel lagi. Astaghfirullah. Miss was just reminding me and oh God, I need to get it done before she gets back.

(4) Belum liase dengan MO Labuan lagi. Astaghfirullah. I need to sit down at clinic. This was a favour from Miss. And of course I know why she asks me to do this.

(5) Audit Tahunan Surgery tak payah cakap la, tahun lepas punya pun tak buat lagi. Memalukan Boss.

(6) Belum kira Audit SSI Appendix dan Performa ARM yang baru nak finalise.

(7) I'm sleep deprived, malam tadi semua orang pun call. NICU call, patient kami worsening (baby passed away later today PM.) Kota Marudu call refer dog bite. PSICU call, CBD dislodged and the Anaes MO asked the nurse to ask me about it oh come on, really Jeck?

(8) I can't do my work at home because my laptop's Microsoft isn't working and I'm staying back at work to do this stuffs, which makes me irritable.

(9) I need food.

(10) My surgeons are telling me to study. I know I need to study. I'm just a service MO with no family commitments and already this overwhelmed. How do I do this more efficiently? I am not matured enough to juggle all this but I need to be. How to be? Please help.

Oh God. Who am I even talking to?

The Return of The Sane Workaholic Sloth

In a bid to do something to get out of this slump, I took Vivky and Mr. Ashok's advice of putting goals for myself.

So today I went to Mr. Ashok with FOUR study proposals hahahahaha. And he's criticizing each with

"How is this going to help you in the future?"
"How is this going to help the community?"

With the rate everything was going, there was chance this was never seeing light. So I told him

"I'm doing all this because I want to do something or else I'm going to go terjun sungai every weekend until I get leptospirosis."

He got that I wasn't joking. But I said it in a happy manner.

Later I went and see Boss about it. Started my talk with

"Saya mencari kerja ni Boss."

It's a go for two of my proposals. So here's to Atiqah being serious.

Maybe it's time to get a shrink

It's possible that people are just so lonely and crave human attention but fear being seen desperate and being rejected that their feasible option is to talk to themselves. And envy Eddie Brock for having Venom around him every single time.

Like me, here, back conversing with Haru. Not what a matured adult will do. I want a partner of equal wit who will take the trouble of doing a lot of work on me and vice versa, but I'm too coward. Guess that's what I am these days.

On another note, Boss told Mr. Ashok what I vented to him yesterday, so this afternoon I had to deal with Mr. Ashok's funny little smiles and teasings saturated with 'I want to make this kid feel a bit better'.

It's all good. Funny, really, I'm uplifted. It shows that he really is a nice guy for feeling that he has to cheer his MO up. And I felt sorry that I've hit a low slump that someone else felt the need to cheer me up. A bit comforting too, I guess. At some point you get tired of always having to cheer yourself up.

I was remembering Clannad a lot these days, you know that anime I adored growing up? Nagisa used to not feel so inspired to go to school, so she would be dragging herself to school and when she get to the gate she'll say out loud what she wanted to eat by the end of the day. Something for her to look forward to. Like "red bean paste bread", simple stuffs.

That's what I've been doing. It's always just the first thing on my mind. Whatever food. All day I'll be like "I can deal with this, I'm getting sotong after work." And I'll drive myself there and buy them for me. It's saying something that I'm getting through each day by looking forward to accomplishing tiny goals like what food to eat. What happened to the bigger stuffs? Haha...

Today I felt like Big Apple's doughnuts. By default I don't fancy doughnuts with all the superfluous toppings. I usually just eat Krispy Kreme's original glazed that's only available in few places in KL and I have them like twice a year top. So today's Food Goal was a little too out of character for me. But since it was the first that I thought of since yesterday and me and I had a deal, Food Goal is Food Goal, I have to get some Big Apple's doughnuts today. Eating them is second.

I thought of dragging Vicky with me because that guy actually has girly sweet tooth and he can then eat the doughnuts. But that will entail me having to answer his questions of what's wrong with me and I don't need people asking me difficult questions I can't even answer myself.

I bought two pieces. They're still sitting on the drawer.

There are 3 people I call Boss: my dad, Mr. Tar, and Mr. Mughni

At the end of work today, I waited for Boss to finish at the clinic and had a talk with him.

Started off a bit reluctantly "It's not my place to say this.."

"But I'm listening," he said with his grin. He knew what I was going to say.

So I told him. I told him I'm worried about patients' safety, which brings me to worry us MOs are not learning the right thing, that will ultimately create an unhappy working environment. I told him what the reason for my concern do to us MOs behind his knowledge and I saw him frown.

"You all tak happy ke?"

"Saya super happy bila Boss ada." I smiled the sincerest I can. Our Boss is the best. "Seriously super happy."

In which he grinned. And then said "Then I'm worried bila saya tak ada..."

"I'm being put in a position to do something but I don't know how to, because when I open my mouth to even say a word, terus saya kena. And I think that's why I'm stressed up."

"As the head department, how may I help?"

"I'm not bringing this up to dump everything on you Boss, because we're a team, but I don't know. Maybe we need to have a better communication with each other."

Did I tell you I love my Boss? He's up there with my dad. I miss my dad a lot. Why the hell am I here in Sabah? I want my dad.

But I have Boss, so I guess I'll go to work and be a good MO for my Boss. If he's not in, for visiting or course or something, you can bet who's not showing up...

Hahah that's crazy Atiqah. Allah bestowed you this knowledge. And KKM pays your salary.

But not enough, they still pay me HO's salary. And I don't work for money. Sobs.

Even KakElli is saying I'm writing more depressive stuffs

Monday was a clinic day. I finished my patient, need a bathroom break so I went to stand in front of the WC because it was occupied. Mr. Ashok saw me and we talked about work.

Then he said "eh come here la, sit sit, I need to ask you something."

I sat. It sounded serious. What is it?

"What's troubling you? Do you have any personal problems? You seem very different this past days. You're not your usual self. You're not how you were when you first came here."

Oh shoot I screwed up so bad my surgeons are calling me out on this. Now what?

"Ah.. I'm not exactly sure what's the problem."

He told me:

If the problem I'm having is a person I hate, just treat it like a toilet. You BO, you flush it down. You forget about it.

Focus on what I want. You want to become a Paed Surgeon. You focus on your studying, your journals, your work. Forget about anything else.

He's like a big brother to us, so come see him if I need any help.

I'm seriously grateful for the talk. I am.

But I still believe the first step in settling this is to identify the culprit. What is bothering me? Is it my position? Is it something else? Can we credit all this mess to my position?

I think I'm messed up since September. Yeah September was when I started to become the most senior service MO here so it's likely. So it is?

If it is, I guess we're taking the "I'm not okay, so we're just going to accept that. It is what it is." approach because I can't get rid of this position. Yet.

I'm Googling up psychosocial support. So far not fruitful.

We're paid more or less the same

I'm not sure where the leak in my morale is but maybe being put in-charge is my problem. But I can't solve a problem by running away from it, right? Nor solve a problem by creating another problem.

Maybe I'll just accept that I'm in-charge and I'm not okay about it. And that is that.

Today I tried to run the MO work while I was stuck in emergency OT, ordering the other MOs this and that. We all join rounds in the morning, I'm post postcall, so why am I the one who noted what's supposed to be done and how it's supposed to be done?

Thank God the postcall person owned up to the surgeon as to why some plans were not carried out and later muhasabahed himself in my presence (in which I kept quiet and restrained from saying "I told you, didn't I"), otherwise the surgeons would have asked me about it and I'd just answer "I was in OT" while glaring dagger at said person "I reminded you in our MO chat group. Should I start telling you how to do your job now?"

Come to think of it, I probably should do that. Tell people how to do their job... without them feeling I'm telling them how to do their job. I need to be more manipulative and diplomatic with my words... Oh God.

I need to jump into some river now.

APLS

I'm stressed about my Serious Illness Simulation during APLS. I didn't get Good for two attempts so I'm down for my last attempt tomorrow.

How la one year left Medical and didn't study properly and expect good marks for Medical part? I need to study and I will.

Maybe my face was grim. I sat next to Vignesh for comfort. After everyone else have left he asked me what's wrong. Is it work? What is it?

"And don't lie to me, I know when there's something wrong with you."

Either Vignesh is very perceptive or I'm really that readable. I need to work on my Neutral Face Mask.

Team Dynamic

We finished OT and my registrar was writing the op note while I was sitting next to him bugging him. His hand got up to smack me when Boss arrived grinning behind his mask and saw us hackling.

Registrar immediately turned polite "Hi Boss" and yours truly went "Boss tengok ni Vignesh nak pukul saya".

Carine called me out on my tale-telling "Atiqah ni macam anak mengadu kepada ayah dia" and like any dads, Boss maintained his grin behind his mask.

Where is the will

Lately I don't have motivation to come to work. When I wake up I will look at the clock and roll around finding excuses not to get out of bed until it's 7.30 am.

"I have a terrible stomach ache."
"My head hurts very bad."
"My car broke down."

But I will be afraid what I lie comes true and I love my car too much for that. Then I go to work wording my sentence. Repeatedly in my head "Sorry I'm late. I didn't want to come."

And I punch in still on time.

Movie recommendation

Was reviewing patient when Mr. Ashok called. He's not oncall, what did he want?

First he asked was I asleep. "Tak saya tengah review patient, baru sejam keluar OT and baru habis round dengan Miss Rahilah."

Have I eaten ("Belum, tengok patient pun belum habis haha.")

Asked about two patients (ah so this is why he called.)

And then he asked me if I'm oncall anymore this long weekend.

"No, no more calls this long weekends." I worked all week two weeks ago and last week I did calls on weekend already, gimme a break.

I wonder where this questions are going to.

"Okay. Have you seen that new Mr. Bean movie?"

"You mean the latest Johnny English?"

"Yes yes."

"No I haven't."

"Go see it. I highly recommend it."

"Better than the previous one?"

"Yes yes. Non stop laughing from start to finish."

"Okay I will. Thanks Mr. Ashok. Have a good night."

Serosal injury

Today I understand why people who are hurt inside tend to do physical harm on themselves. It distracts you from the pain you're feeling.

I almost feel like jumping out of this sixth floor when I realized I didn't realize this POD 7 patient has a serosal injury repaired intraop. Dude, I was scrubbed in! Where was my head? I'm so disappointed in myself...

My other surgeon asked me about this case and I effing answered uneventful you can see how bad that was. She lamented "Atiqah awak salah bagi information kepada saya lagi.. macam mana saya nak harapkan MO macam ni..." In a casual manner before talking about something else entirely. I'm the most senior service MO now so can you see why I feel like taking a fatal jump now?

Hahahaha oh dear how exactly does one get better?

Maybe I need Psychiatry referral

Finally end of the week. Walked through the hospital parking lot and called dad, told him tomorrow I'm free, course the next day, free, oncall, then working day per usual.

So I'm planning to go to Kota Belud. Now. I want to catch some stars.

Dad asked where Kota Belud is.

About 65km from here.

An hour plus drive. How's the road.

Proper tarred road. Hilly at one part. No lampu jalan.

Alone?

Yeah. As usual.

He gave some points. Dad is never really the one to outright say no to me, to any of us. He never 100% disapprove anyway, but I know going here and there is his way of disapproving...

Never mind dad. I don't think I'll go.

But I think he understood my need to just.. go somewhere to cool off. Like really. I don't know, I just.. need to.. I don't know.

He said it's because I'm alone and I don't have family around in Sabah. I don't disagree, I think he might be right. I'm not this buas at home, I'm really a couch potato at home.

"Solat, doa banyak-banyak."

Yeah like what else am I supposed to do. The sea is right close by but I want the river.. I really want to, just drown somewhere..

Anyway. The friends are coming down to KK tomorrow. Problem with them is they like malls. I'm done with malls and I really need to go to some sungai. I miss not having people around me. I don't want people around me.

And I'm the Clubhouse Gatekeeper so they will need me to pass them the keys at least. They said to meet there at 9. Can I, like, drive to Kota Belud tomorrow after Subuh? I think I will. But who should I leave the key to?

Should I endure this? Meet them at 9, then chao to Penampang, go to Sungai Kibunut? They can join me if they want, or don't, even better.

I'll go meet them later. I have course on Sunday anyway, I'm gonna meet people anyway. Should I check in that Hutan Lipur Kawang at Papar? Spend Monday morning awake in the middle of the hutan before going back to civilization and do calls Tuesday.

Yeah that sounds like a plan.

Get it done. Then take a leave. Go to sungai. Get out and get back to work. Repeat.

I'm frustrated. I'm not good at asking for help, what more delegating. It's easier to do it myself. But then there's too much to do and I overlooked it and no one does it.

And it falls on me.

Miss was saying "you senior pun you tak boleh handle jugak haa" in front of the rest of the MOs and I know she's the type to say it as it is. Yes, it doesn't matter that I become more frustrated after she said that. Just because I don't feel like doing it doesn't mean I can just not do it. That's irresponsible. I'm not irresponsible. Things have got to be done anyway.

I can't say that I miss having Abe Khai, Abe Eswaren, Waina around because they're my seniors and they have left us. I'm the most senior service MO here now. I have to get this done.

The good thing about Miss saying that in front of everyone is that now everyone knows I can't handle it, so everyone has to chip in and carry the burden anyway.

As us MOs were discussing, she joined us and said "Atiqah I can see that you're frustrated."

So I just admitted it. "I think I'm frustrated because I haven't masuk sungai dah dua minggu."

She said I need referral to Psychiatry for always thinking I need to go into hutan, into sungai.

I hope I can master the art of not showing how I feel. Can I be Sai, always smiling? Fake smile but still smiling. But that's not real.

Adhesive obstruction post open appendicectomy

First day back at work and I'm oncall. I'm the one who do the roster so I have nothing to complain about.

It was a lot of firsts for me. First time I spend the night sleeping beside a patient so that I'm awake for her fluid resuscitation. First time I take out the scan machine to aid with my management.

I felt like it is a bit of success for me as a surgical medical officer. To resus an ill patient so she will be fit enough for operation the next day, and I did. I asked feedback from Vicky and he said my fluid selection was "perfect" but I think he's exaggerating. He said the best would have been to resus the child in ICU.

I kept asking myself if I could have done better, and I think the answer is colloid, and yes ICU admission. I would have the child on closer monitoring, a single nurse aiding me, I would still sleep beside the patient like I did when I was an Anaes HO in ICU.

Both of which I didn't think at that moment and my surgeon didn't suggest, too.

I'm just getting some sleep for myself now. It had been a long day at work and I had to excuse myself from assisting OT because I could barely stand straight. And never felt more the need to sleep in the car before I return. Good night.

Lesson Number One: Don't Be Lazy. Since Atiqah = Lazy, then be Haru

You're paid to work. No matter how underpaid it is, you're paid so that others can sleep.

Wait at the counter for your incoming cases.

See them as soon as they're there.

Talk to the parents. Fill in all the gaps.

Remember thick abdomen.

Remember flushed face.

It's better to assume the worse so you are prepared for it.

Don't let tonsils misguide you.

And review back your newly admitted cases in the morning, especially those after 12. We know how sober you are past midnight.

The Spy Who Dumped Me

I called my parents to rant out today.

Haha nak mencurahkan perasaan?
Ye la habis nak call sape

He stopped laughing. Maybe I came across in a wrong way, I didn't mean it in a pathetic kind of way. I'm a strong self sufficient person and lately I've only been calling when I'm serabut of some sort. As we talked they asked me what I was doing. I told them I'm catching a movie.

Dengan siapa
Sorang
Takde kawan ke
Ika memang selalu pergi mana2 sorang pun

Still in a matter-of-fact way. I'm not one for self-sympathy. So I ended up ranting about Miss then I realized it's such a petty problem. Mom then her usual

Dah ada gewe belum
Belum. Mama jumpa dah ke

I feel sorry for making them worry about me. But I don't know. I mean she's right, she knows me well because of the question she asked. She knows I'd rather be dating than commit to something serious. Can I just have fun? Screw around? That's probably a bad idea.

Pissed Off Saga continues

Mr Ashok asked me what happened in OT yesterday, he did notice something bad happened because I was unusually and scarily quiet. He told me the reason he kept on hitting my arm, stomping on my feet, and let me close the skin was his attempts to cheer me up.

This guy I tell you, I have no idea why those are his ideas of cheering someone up, expected I guess for a prankster born on first April. But the closing skin did cheer me up and so I told him yesterday I was mad at Miss.

He said he heard from the scrub nurse today that I had it bad from Miss and that I didn't deserve all those scolding.

I really understand why my Miss is behaving like that and that's why I'm still okay with her, just pissed off because she kept on putting words in mouth and using my words out of context.

Today was another Fuck It Day since my surgeon apparently still at it pissing me off. But I didn't cower away from her and sat opposite her in front of clinic and maybe she took that as us pissing each other off but still chummy with each other. I guess that's what being family mean, you feel like killing each other now and then. At the end of clinic, she suggested we have KFC. I think she remembered I was mentioning KFC in OT yesterday and I saw it as her asking for a truce. So I ordered lunch and she paid.

Middle of the round, I broke off from the team to refer Medical two patients while they all proceed round at periphery. By the time I was done and regrouped with them, my surgeon turned to me and said "Siap dah laparotomy?" with a smirk. Why la this lady...

I wonder what will happen tomorrow but more than that I want to see how long she'll keep up that attitude. She knows I'm pissed at her, because she commented "sikit lagi Atiqah nak pukul saya" and "nanti Atiqah marah saya" and I just laughed when she said that.

You have no idea...

Pissed off at my surgeon: A saga

Today was a bad day for the whole team. The team is in a shamble.

On my side, I was scrubbed in for four hours with my surgeon who vented to me and at one point it was on me and I got pissed off. I remained fuming in silence the rest of operation and the scrub nurse was the one trying to set us straight again.

She kept asking am I okay and when she asked one last time after I scrubbed out, I gritted out "of course I'm okay, why wouldn't I be fucking okay" and that started today as The Day Atiqah Cursed All Day.

My colleagues cowered and thought I was in a bad mood because of them when in fact I was pissed off at our surgeon haha...

I sat down to write the OT notes, couldn't stop my hands from shaking in anger, threw my spectacles down and declared "I can't do this" and went off to pray. I came back relatively calmer, stopped Vicky who was helpfully trying to write OT notes for me, he even tried to make me rest and not scrub the next OT.

I went up to him, my palms together apologetically and I said "Vi you're my beloved bro, but not today. Don't tell me what to do."

I dragged him out for dinner later, he probably said yes to make sure I don't do illegal things like get drunk and crash the car into the sea. 

Happy 28!

The past two birthdays were spent oncalls, but this time I have the weekend off. I almost book an RM 300+ room with ocean view but in actual I'm not spending much on myself. Actually very frugal.

It's 11pm. I'm in my car, in my sleeping bag, at Hosp Kota Belud's public carpark in front of the ED. What a way to celebrate myself. Maybe I should stick to doing calls on my birthday.

Anyway I'm not going to stay up. I'm going to Subuh at the mosque then head out to see sunrise at Akinabalu cm. Adios.

bilateral VUR post bilateral reimplantation

In the morning I was stooping to examine my two years old post op patient when I noticed his eyes transfixed on my nametag. I held it up to him.

"Yoyong suka nametag?"

He pointed with wonder at the right side of my tag. I flipped it to see what he was pointing at.

"Ni logo KKM. Yoyong suka logo KKM?"

He mumbled out baby words. He looked so fascinated. I guess it was affirmative. He then pointed out at things on my nametag with me describing what each was. My face, my name, the phototherapy table, drug dosing, my locker key, my cash which he tried to fish out.

"Duit," he said. Dasar budak mata duitan haha.

Tonight at the end of visiting hour, I was reviewing patient in the acute room when I heard a male child screamed. Then I saw his family walking out.

"Yoyong menangis nak ikut ke?" His sisters nodded with a chuckle.

I got up and went to see him because (not in order of importance or truth):
1- I care about my patients especially when I'm the only doctor for this whole ward today
2- I don't like screaming kids because it sounded like a pain score ten and we're a pain free hospital
3- He has three drains out of his body and we'll be crying if any one of them was dislodged and kid ended up with strictures.

Yoyong was laying on his cot kicking his legs while his mother tried to stop his kicking. "Nda bulih ikut," his mother tried to counsel him but the distress was palpable. Child was crying with tears. Emotional pain score is ten out of ten. The drains were so far intact.

I held up my nametag to him.

Took me less than a minute to calm him down and I stayed with him until his tears dried up. He was especially fascinated with my locker key and used it to poke at his red toy lorry. When he wasn't looking I took my key back and assured the mother. I said good night to the perplexed boy looking for a 'missing' key on his bed.

And I returned back to my acute room. My drains are safe for another night!

The next day during rounds Boss offed his drains. So much for keeping it safe overnight...

Atiqah and her tire issue

My posh friends from district came to KK last night for a movie and they booked a hotel for the night. Posh people I tell you. They headed out very early for their Brunei roadtrip so I had the room for myself. Had the shades opened to enjoy the sunrise from the comfort of the hotel bed. This was my view. It's always a good idea to rise early in Sabah because the view is so nice.

After a sleep in, I checked out and sent my car for service. I'm terrible at car maintenance so I called my dad and brother who both didn't pick up. I resigned to my fate of being at the mercy of the counter guy. I told him I need to check my tyres alignment (bro told me months ago) since I blew up my front tire months ago and he said they don't do that here, I would need to send the car to a tyre shop.

Dad later returned my call and said to get the tire alignment and balancing checked, probably swap the front tires to the back etc. I asked him why and when, he said he wasn't sure either and I need to read on that. Sigh I'm really not good at this, not even sure what to read on either.

After the service, I messaged a few people who didn't reply on the spot (what did I expect). I decided maybe it'd be a good idea to go back to my place, shower, eat, then regroup. I've only been to a tire shop once in my life and that was the one in front of our house where dad is a regular customer, so I dared to go on my own. But this is KK, first time and I'm on my own. I don't even know who to ask, what to ask before I step into a random shop.

Maybe ask Savin to accompany me to a tire shop, but he's in KK to maximize his time with his friend so I shouldn't do that. Or Vicky but he's postcall and knowing him he'd still be in the hospital for whatever reason. Guys should know cars better right? I don't know any girls who know about car maintenance.

I decided to go back and on the way back send the car for a wash. Then I saw plenty of tire shops on the road back, close to my regular carwash place.

Should I wait for people's advices based on their experience? Should I have someone accompany me and be my guide? Should I marry a handyman and leave everything to him? Or should I make my own mistakes and experience at whatever cost that might be?

I decided to go with the latter and went into a random shop. Parked the car and went out, slowly approached a guy who nodded at me expectantly. Perhaps my awkwardness was palpable. I told him my problem and he took a glance at the car.

"Tayar kanan depan nampak lari, makan dalam sedikit."

Either he's good or he's bluffing me. I wouldn't know any better but I prayed God have mercy on me. He asked if I got the left tyre changed recently and I told him about the blow out. He suggested I change the right tyre and he'd do the balancing after. I agreed.

Midway through the changing brother returned my call. He said I should use the same branded tire for each end of the car, since the recently changed left was a Good Year, I should get a Good Year for the right because of the thread. I told him too late, they only have Falken and it's already dismantled.

I asked if it'd bring a great misfortune. He said it depends whether I'm speeding and the road post rain or not. I could drift off course.

I'm known to go at least 60 km/h at a corner. I won't bet on changing my habit, but this is potentially life-threatening. Huh. So much for making own mistakes and experience.

Hadi also told me to get the fronts swapped with the back since front tyres worn out quicker, and that there are plenty of tips written on Facebook and such.

But I was done. I don't know. This is like a non medical parent with an okay child with a problem. I want the best for my child but I don't know whether this problem is big or small or perhaps he's fine. The doctor will say something, right? The tyre man would have suggested to swap front to back now, wouldn't he? Or not, because it would be adding more work at no advantage for him? I don't know. Should I have asked him? Retrospectively thinking maybe I should. I should.

It was almost noon. I paid for the tyre, dropped my car for a wash and meditated at the mosque. I hope I'll marry a handyman.

Why don't we just consider it a surprise eh

I don't like not knowing what people want from me. Case on point is Vicky.

He's always nice with me. But not necessarily to others. Even as his HO he never got mad at me to my face and I never knew was it because he never had to or because of my status as dad's kid.

Same thing here. Is it because he never had to or because he's friends with me or because he needs favours while he's here or because I'm friendly with my boss.

That's bad. I actually feel bad for him. Imagine people not trusting your kindness. What is wrong with me.

Babyfaced

I have baby face except for my eyebags. Coupled with the fact that on casual days I wear cotton tshirt and cotton pants, add on the slippers or Crocs, maybe a backpack or none at all. Especially if I take my glasses off. Makes me look like a kid.

I don't mind. I won't be approached to buy this or that. I can just go about doing whatever I want.

Today at home there's a contractor around fixing stuffs around the house because none of us is handy. After his team was done we served them some chills and the pakcik asked me

"Adik sekolah mana?"

I grinned at him and ran away. I didn't have the heart to lie, but if I tell him I'm in the workforce already in this shabby attires I'd just bring shame to my family name.

But I realized afterwards. The next time someone asks me that question, I'm gonna reply my alma mater SMI Aman. Although it was more than ten years ago already.

Partner

I'm at home, fighting afternoon drowsiness for a needed nap and watching X Files. Mulder and Scully at it again, with her admitting her insecurities to him.

I guess when you have a trusted partner, that's what you do. And proceed from there.

---

I'm seeing a pattern here. And doesn't need psychobabbling to know what I want right now. Maybe even what I need. Heh. But since when do we always get what we want?

"I run towards my problems instead of away from them, because that's what heroes do."

Today us housemates had our first full house iftor together. Then we prayed Maghrib all five of us and we went to Masjid Bandaraya in a car for our Isya and Terawih. And then we went back for moreh in the kitchen.

And Kak Adilah made that comment, that it was the first time we're all seated together.

Yeah I know. It's mostly me missing. I don't hang out with them much. Even today at iftor I actually made sandwiches for myself while the rest ate home cooked rice.

I have a problem. In which I run from what appears to be good things. It happened when I was a student, when I was a houseman, and now when I'm an MO. I don't know how to fix this. Good things are good for me, generally speaking. Makes you a better person. But I sort of feel like it'd make me a boring person. Well.. boring is subjective, so I should change my definition of boring, but still. Maybe that's why I'm running?

I like to think that I'm a good person myself, a good person who is attracted to bad things. Like how I'm a closeted fujoshi? (Not so closeted now that I'm writing it here, but it's not like anyone's reading this.) Maybe I like challenges?

Anyway. I don't think I'm going to just.. embrace and accept the good things. Because I have this very inert urge to just run away from it. So yeah. As of now we're still going nowhere with this issue.

Is it a comeback

I'm postcall.
I didn't sleep well last night, had a trauma case later after midnight.
I worked per usual today.
Went for iftor with V and Subiha at Imago after work.
Later at night I'm back at my place.

So why am I still not asleep at past midnight?

I just wasted 4 hours doing nothing

Facebook is for attention hog, but I am one but still with humility intact, so here I am ranting in my blog hoping someone will care. Well they don't, but I need to get this out anyway.

I live in my room alone. I have housemates but I'm embarrassed by my lack of social activism compared to them so I don't deal with them much beside coming and going from my room. To be frank I meet them more at work than I do at ho- I mean at this place.

I'm carefully avoiding the word home here, because home is Lundang. Second is my car. Third is my hospital.

And as history from my second year in Egypt has proven, I cannot live alone. I need a roommate. I just need a physical human sitting in the same room, we can do nothing, I just need someone around. I need to be with another human or I'll become useless. So recklessly useless.

But I'm stuck in my room because I don't have anyone nearby I want to hang out with. When I'm tired of this room I'll head to my car and go somewhere, but still I'll be alone in my car, going to somewhere alone.

I need a partner. That's the whole 2018 resolution. But I'm not doing anything to actively find and have one.

What am I doing.

Yeah Maisarah lives half hour drive away. She's a friend but not a partner level, especially not now that she's married, she's dutifully occupied with her work and her LDR husband.

Partner level is like Umair. If only Umair lives nearby, I'd be crashing at her place now and then. Like EOD.

Living in Sabah is like living in Egypt all over again. I still need to be somewhere by 8am. All that freedom without my parents around. Ease of transportation.

Except I don't have a partner like when I was in Egypt.

I need help. Please advice. 

Partner goal

Get yourself a partner you will fight the whole world for, and he for you. Who you will go through hell for, who you will protect with all that you have.

Like Steve and Bucky. They're my favourite now.

"If you don't love me now, you will never love me again"

Usually when I have two weekends off, I'd be in some jungle somewhere dunked in the river. You won't be hearing from me.

But lately I'm confined to Kota Kinabalu. It's either because my friends come to play or I'm too cheapskate to go out. I'm going through a pretty rough financial time now, so bad I can't afford this September exam unless I tap into my emergencies. But exams are not emergencies. Or that's just me excusing myself from studying.

Anyway, back to me not going anywhere. This week it's because I'm sick. Like really. Yesterday I had to take Paracetamol and Clarinase before I could tolerate getting up. Today I had to get up because there's too many clogs up my nose into my brain and the amount was too much for my tissues to handle, and the colour was greenish.

I had no choice but to start antibiotics on me. Lucky for me I had Augmentin stashed for these kind of days. I hated doing that because I'm a failure at swallowing medicine. That Panadol coated and small, yeah? I had to bite them into two three pieces before they will go down. What more that chunk of Augmentin... Why couldn't they be pills?

An hour later the symptoms improved so much, I could do laundry, I watched two movies on my laptop (genius), I almost complete my sorting out pictures on the computer. And only then I realized I'm stuck with this for a whole week.

I can't do commitments. What makes you think I can comply with this thing twice a day for a week?

When you work with kids and it's raining every evening

It's almost like I'm nursing a flu every two months, each lasting a week or so. It's not fun.

I feel sorry when people have to nurse themselves better, because I suck at that. I'll take a Clarinase when I can't breathe from all the clogs and I'd get up to drink when my throat hurts that much from coughing.

My stomach is growling. I need to get up and cook something... But my head hurts.

It's shaping into a beautiful day

Hello, good morning.

Today I woke up in pain and hemorrhaging. I picked myself up from the bed and contemplated calling in sick today, but it's clinic day with emergency and elective OT going on, we'd be short handed so I can't.

I took 1.5g of Paracetamol on empty stomach instead of the recommended 1g and the pain slowly became tolerable.

I went to shower but the water ran out on me and I only had half a medium-sized pail to shower with. I took one anyway.

Then I made breakfast and accidentally touched the hot metal. All my eight months of burn management experience went to waste because there was no running water. I belatedly remember we still had drinking water and only then did I wash my thumb. It still stings.

And my stomach still hurts.

I look forward to the end of the day.

"I bid you good luck and farewell, morons. Byeee." -Thor, Infinity War

I was watching Infinity War for the second time because it has been nagging at the back of my mind. Thor is a favourite, with his regal words and all. And it helps that Hemsworth is so worth it with his new haircut.

Having an elegant thesaurus puts you at a regal status compared to the rest of commoners. It takes a lot of wit to curse someone in a subtle manner, understood only by people of equal wit.

Dwarf: It will kill you.
Thor: Only if I die.
Dwarf deadpanned: That's what "killing you" means.

Thor made his Wakanda Battle appearance.

Oh and I still hate Peter Quill.

---

When I walked out into the deserted carpark, some car with three dudes in it started their car. My wariness level shot up and I realized I left my Swiss knife in my car.

Everything was well, but I realised I need to buy pen knife keychain and hook it to my car keys.

See you

In some aspect of life, especially pertaining things I'm not well versed at, I'd make the decision by saying to myself

"If Allah make X happen, then I'll do Y."

For example, "If I meet him here today, I'll get serious about this."

That's immaturely indecisive, I know. It's a leap I'm not brave enough to take and I needed divine intervention since no one is actually doing the pushing.

But then Allah didn't make X happen but I still won't give up on the idea of Y, so I said to myself "maybe the timing isn't right" and just keep the idea at the back of my mind.

On the other hand, I'm always at a parallel path with Luqman. It's really easy to come across him even if I don't mean to.

For example, today. I had a flight to catch in the afternoon so in the morning I brought out my care package for the bosses in Anggerik. Luqman was postcall today and when I parked at the hospital, I saw his car at his usual surgeon spot. It was 9am and the only reason he would still be around if he's asleep, so I messaged him asking him that.

He didn't read the message, which was a given. I should have called, but I'm not one to call unless it's urgent.

I went to Anggerik, settled my things there. Went back to the car to get another package and walked back to the ward.

That's when I saw him coming my way. And I grinned to myself. I didn't think I would see him today, but I did. And it occurred to me I always meet him when I come back to Kelantan even without going the extra mile to do so. He's always in my path.

He asked me what I was doing. I told him I just finished giving out packages at Anggerik and now heading to Ortho.

"I was expecting you to ring me yesterday, but you didn't. I was free."

He's that kind of person who remembers his friends, likes to surround himself with his friends, and I wonder if he even do things alone. So it didn't surprise me that he would remember I told him when I met him in Sabah that I'd ring him on his oncall, which I almost did yesterday, but then I remember that I don't ring people on their oncalls for personal reason.

Wow. I've a lot of excuses. Someone should call me out on my bullshits.

He asked me out for breakfast. Of course I said yes.

At breakfast, it was him, Ikhlas, Amru and I. I didn't talk to Ikhlas, I've never known him professionally nor personally, I only knew his name and some few gossips on him. I answered Amru while eating my toast and sipping my Milo. But most of the talking I did was with Luqman.

The table was a mismatched group of smokers and a girl and the only reason I was at the table was him. The only reason why Atiqah would meet Ikhlas and/or Amru and/or any guys of the Surgical Brotherhood is because Luqman was there. And it was amusing how Luqman would start a conversation with Amru, then turned to me, then to Ikhlas.

It occurred to me that this guy is a good liaison. I was reminded of that first time we went riding and had a serious not serious life conversation that ended with him declaring I am an interesting person. That must have been the reason he keeps me in his loop of friends.

It was then 10.30am when I finished the last of my Milo. I told him I have to go. He told me to leave the bills to him. I 5en got up and left, not looking back.

It was good to see him. When I first moved to Sabah he told me to call him if anything, but I never did. The only conversation I had with him afterwards was when we meet up front and the occasional messaging. He's moving to Selangor for his Masters program end of this month, so I probably won't be seeing him when I go back to Kelantan anymore. I gave him his annual care package when I met him in the hallway, but I'm not sure about next year.

Will he still be in my path then? I'm not sure. But I'll miss this brother of mine for sure.

"Mustaqim is the mother of all pranks"

051215

Me calling OT to inform a semi-emergency case.

Male over the other side: OT Intan. Boleh saya bantu?
Me: Hai saya Dr. Atiqah dari Paed Surgical, nak inform OT satu case.
Male: Sekejap ye saya panggil MO Anaes.
Female voice over the other side: Saya Dr. Afifah. Kes ape ye?
Me: Kami nak buat relaparotomy for a 16 days old baby-
Anaes: Relaparotomy? Bahaya tu.
Me: Ah memang. So the baby is a Malay girl, IC-
Anaes: Baby tu comel ke?
Me: Haha dia comel (apehal Anaes malam ni?)
Anaes: Sape nak buat?
Me: Mr. Tarmizi.
Anaes: Siapa MO oncall malam ni?
Me: Dr. Zafran.
Anaes: Dr. Zafran yang mana satu ye?
Me: MO Paed Surgical 3 orang je. Dia yang tak pakai spek.
Anaes: Paed Surgical ada sorang Chinese dan dua Indian kan?
Me: Erk. Dua Melayu dan sorang Indian. Dr. Zafran yang gelap sikit.
Anaes: Oooh saya tertukar ingatkan dia Indian.
Me: Hahaha. Okay pasal kes ni-
Suara Anaes bertukar menjadi lelaki yang too familiar: Atiqah, awak call dalam OT la cakap dengan Anaes. Kirim salam dekat Zafran.
Me: My God Dr. Mustaqim!!!!

Moral of the story. There's price to pay when you introduce yourself in the very first place...

Recalled this to my Paed MO.
Luqman after laughing at me: Awak pun layan je Anaes tu.
Me: How should I know! I listen to my MOs...

---

Two years later, 110917

Today I am on leave but came to hospital to settle whatever to settle before I leave. Then an unidentified number called my phone. I picked it up.

Me: Hello.
Caller: Hello, ni Dr. Atiqah ke?

I couldn't tell this was a guy or a girl calling. Sounded suspicious though, somewhat familiar.

Me: Ye saya.
Caller: Dr. Atiqah Surgery kan sekarang?
Me: Ya, ada ape ye?
Caller: Saya HO Uro nak discuss kes dengan doktor.

I laughed out loud. I knew it!

Me: Uro kenapa call saya haha call la Luqman MO awak. Request pelik2 ni biasanya Mustaqim je suka prank orang. Ni Mustaqim ke?

Pemanggil gelak dan kembali kepada suaranya yang sebenar. "Haha kerja ke harini Tiqah?"

Finally I have redeemed myself after so long kena ngenak dengan sek2 ni hahahahaha.

Like any other morning

Met Kak Ulya who was oncall with me two days ago after I punched in.

Me: Hi Kak Ulya.
Kak Yuya squinted to look at me: Postcall ke?

If it's any other morning where I have breakfast later, I wouldn't question it. But I got up earlier today and had coffee and oatmeal already.. Do I still look like shit?

Kids are the real drama queens

On my way out of the ward, I heard my patient screamed in agony. It was from the first cubicle where it housed Amanda and Iqhwan, and the scream was that of an anguished boy.

It must be Iqhwan. He's a stoic kid who wouldn't talk to us and always had a lot of one ringgit bills with him. Yesterday he had all his one ringgit bills on the bed and turned it into a funny bedsheet.

He had liver injury grade V from a domestic injury about two weeks ago and we just off his analgesic. Was he in pain? Or worse, did he fall and his liver bled again?

I walked steadily towards him. I saw the boy crouching on the floor near the edge of his bed, screaming like the world ending. And I saw his mother sitting cross legged on the bed, looking at him with nothingness in her eyes. Ah.

"What's wrong with him?"

"He's angry that his KFC is still on the way."

He was noisy. I told him to stop screaming. He kept on screaming. I pulled out a one ringgit bill from my nametag and told him

"If you stop screaming I'll give you this."

Malrotation with midgut volvulus

I woke up at 3am from a call to refer a baby with persistent yellowish vomiting for the past four days, now in with dehydration.

It was a lengthy case presentation for a 3am referral to a sleepy person. Being the good listener I am I didn't cut in her enthusiastic case presentation but I did wonder where her energy came from. What woke me up was when she said AXR no gaseous bowel seen. Then she said "we're thinking of pyloric stenosis."

That was anti climatic. Now I had to say something. "How old is this baby again?"

"Day 12."

"AXR is gasless?"

"Yah, I can send you the xray."

"What's the baby's name? I'll go see the babe."

By the time I came, baby looked less active but still buas macam ape cabut Ryle's tube tiga kali sudah. The nurse reinserted and aspirated his Ryle's tube, then showed to me a satisfying 10ml blob of thick greenish aspirate. Then I found the AXR. Yep, gasless.

I grinned to myself. Will they be happy with my catch because we like to cut babies, or will they tease me for picking up cases again. This week we've been having a field day opening neonates up.

Clinically it looked like a malrotation with midgut volvulus. I hope the bowel survive this few more hours.

"Mana mama baby ni?"

"Balik. Sebab rooming in tiada kosong."

"Boleh panggil dia? Macam nak operate esok pagi la."

And guess who was right?

Like the good person I am, I went back to my place for prayers later

Today after a duodenoduodenostomy, I went in search for something delicious. It was close to 6pm, dinner time. But I had lunch at 2pm and wasn't really up for anything heavy.

What should we have tonight? Sotong goreng tepung was always a good choice, but I will end up with gout soon. Juice was a healthier choice, but the closest was at 1B and the ten minutes ride would be close to an hour in the traffic. I'd rather not.

I decided on banana fritters. I went to the stall just to find half of them already packed up and no banana fritters in sight. I bought myself putu piring instead and went back to my car.

I noticed the sky a pretty shade of pink with clear white clouds and the hilly peaks in the distance. It was a beautiful sight. The beach was nearby but when I remember the traffic.. I went back inside my car and had the radio on. Today's favourite song was Puth's We Don't Talk Anymore.

By the time I finished two putu pirings, it was already dark outside. I had a sudden urge for keropok keping. Lucky me I had no in stock, nor do I feel like entering a shared kitchen. Where do they sell keropoks?

I exited my car and went to Orange. None. I walked to Giant. None.

Ah. They sell them at the hospital's kiosk.

And that was how I ended up at the hospital after work.

Keropok in hand, I looked up the sky and noticed two pretty things.

1) The moon was a bright yellowish orange hue in full power above the hilly peaks. Not as pretty as my last full moon in the middle of Wadi Rum, but impressive nevertheless.

2) We had a clear sky over the sea then and stars were in view.

Subhanallah. Marvelous. I took out my GoPro and tried to capture the stars from the carpark, but ended with nothingness. The light pollution was strong like any other night in Kota Kinabalu. I deleted the picture as soon as I saw it.

I got back into my car, half deciding to sleep in the carpark tonight. Screw new year resolution. My sleeping bag was in the boot anyway.

Best karipap in Hosp Likas

Today I assisted my surgeons in a partial nephrectomy. We removed this troublesome upper moiety and the ureter of a one year old boy. He was noted antenatally to have hydronephrosis and turned out it was a duplex right kidney. He later developed ureterocele and reflux. His right kidney is still functioning good per MAG3, and usually if the moiety is functioning, we just deroof the ureterocele. But he had episode of pyonephrosis requiring nephrostomy in Feb this year, that's why the upper moiety has to go. Noted the dilated and tortuous ureter, almost bowel like.

After the OT, I went to the pantry to get my surgeons approval of my OT notes and eyed my breakfast still on the table (it was 12pm and I only had a cup of coffee all day). Lunch wasn't ready yet and my two karipaps were the only food on the table. My favourite surgeon Mr. Ashok smiled at me and said he's hungry...

I didn't have time to eat anyway since the next case was already induced and I still have to write the pathology forms, not to mention I'm a sucker for tall dark and handsome guys... My first meal of the day was at 6pm hahahaha woi.

On nights I should be sleeping

When you're invested in an idea, something bigger, you move on from the everyday people.

I should do that too. It's the adult thing to do, haha. Despite that, I do think doctoring is a good thing to do, just that I should expand it beyond the hospital.

There are some things I'm eying, but mostly I need to focus on studying. I forgot how to do that. And my tax filing. Still need to write a lot of things down. Oh damn. 

Closing

Anaes and Surgery have a unique relationship. We're the primary team and they're the supporting team we cannot do without. We always need good communication with each other and I believe the weight of a good doctor is how s/he communicates.

Which is most of the time the root of all our problems.

Yesterday we had our elective OT. Usually Anaes plan to induce the last case of the day by 2.30pm so we would not extend our OT time and everyone go home on time.

I was second assistant for our splenectomy and cholecystectomy that started at 11 plus due to the first case taking quite some time. It was already past 2pm when we were done with our second procedure and we still want to do our urethroplasty which was the last case, and that to a degree annoyed the Anaes specialist.

My surgeon finished closing the muscle and passed me the needle holder for the subcutaneous layer and skin closure. He was having stuffy nose and I could see his agony throughout the operation.

Mr. Ashok: I'm sorry Atiqah, I need you to close for me.
Me: It's okay. I like closing.
Mr. Ashok: And I need to go-
Me: Blow your nose, yes. Thanks Mr. Ashok.

The Anaes specialist saw my surgeon scrubbing out and her pitch got higher. "Eh?? You're not going to close??"

I didn't comment. My surgeon didn't say anything. Knowing him, I know he was ignoring her.

"Whatever. You have to finish by 3pm. Consider la Anaes time."

I turned around and saw it was 2.30pm. I didn't say anything. I know I can finish on time, but no one needs your promises, people just need to see the result. So I started closing and just communicated with my scrub nurse.

The Anaes specialist got a phone call and she was chatting amiably. She outright said in front of me that the case was still closing with another next case awaiting. "Surgeon degil" was her words, haha.

I do think my surgeon should have communicated with the Anaes specialist the progress of our operation and the Anaes could have used a better tone, but I guess both have their ego talking.

I finished at 2.57pm. I scrubbed out, thanked my OT nurses and thanked the Anaes team by name.

Happy 62 pops

Today is pop's birthday. His staffs in KK (Kuala Krai) bought him a birthday cake so his daughter in KK (Kota Kinabalu) didn't want to miss out either. He's 62 and still enjoy working, so I don't have the choice of retiring at 28 haha...

I really really pray he's always in good health, happiness and safety, Allahumma ameen.

After lunch with Paiten and her husband and baby Syafiq, I watched A Quiet Place and almost cried in sadness at the end of the story. Felt homesick and was actually holding in tears when I ate my cake.

The sacrifices parents make for their children... I really understand why people want to work close to where their parents are because what greater good can you do if not serving your parents? But we still need doctors around...

The next thing we need is daily direct flight.

Captivated

During our multidisplinary meeting today, my colleague was ogling this pretty person. He turned to me and whispered

E: Is that a surgeon?
Me: She must be.
E: She looks so...
Me: Young, right?
E: Beautiful. She looks so beautiful. And young.

I agree. But we were in a meeting and we would embarrass our HOD with our behavior. He kept whispering praises and I was almost laughing so I whispered back

Me: You're focusing on the wrong thing! I'm telling Mr. A!
Mr. A: Tell me what?
Me: E is focusing on the wrong thing.
E: That surgeon is so beautiful.
Mr. A to me in the most serious face and whisper tone he could muster: Don't worry, it's normal.

At the end of the meeting Mr. A and I were hurried to get out because we want to find that surgeon and tell her E found her captivating. E was reprimanding us but

Mr. A: We're just helping you.
Me: Yaah I don't want to be pushing Mr. A on a wheelchair at your wedding.

The joke is Mr. A will be old and fragile by the time E finally gets married, that's how much faith Mr. A has in his love life hahahaha.

shahrul had complex GU anomaly

I was having dinner alone in a crowded place. Finished my meal in silence while watching the news. Walked up to the counter to pay my bills but the staff quickly cut my stride short. 

"Sudah dibayar."

"Eh? Siapa?"

They pointed to the table opposite mine. I turned to look, not quite sure who to expect, this is a first for me... is this a prologue to a drama...

Just kidding.

I wasn't surprised. Even while I was still chewing I already spotted my just discharged patient and his parents entering the eatery. I didn't think they saw me, but soon afterwards I overheard the staffs talking not so discreetly

"Pelanggan ini doktor. Nanti dia mahu bayar kau beritahu bilnya sudah dibayar."

It could only mean one thing. I greeted my patient and his family at their table soon after I finished my meal. Then I walked towards the counter to pay my bill and the staff told me what I thought I overheard.

I turned to them and grinned at the mother sheepishly. I thanked them and told them it's unnecessary and thanked them again, but the mother just smiled at me. I hope they won't be surprised when they realize my bill was probably half of that the three of them...

On elective OT duty today

You see, I'm not exactly feeling well. I'm snivelling and coughing and feeling a bit low grade fever for the past few days. Survived mostly by sleeping through the night. So during the first operation I was snivelling and coughing while assisting my surgeon.

I was expecting a lot of krik krik moment from not able to answer my surgeon's basic science questions, but surprisingly none came. He instead asked me if I am feeling better, if I was on antibiotics, am I taking 1g Vitamin C.

Nope, I'm not compliant to my medication. I almost forgot to take my Loratadine even (only medication I don't want to miss because it's small and I don't like stuffy nose). I had it the worst during my precall and oncall day two days ago, now I'm better relatively. 

Second operation my registrar told me to relax and he will scrub in. Of course I did not relax and let him scrub in alone with my surgeon, I'm the elective MO on duty, I cannot relax when my registrar is working. Plus the next is a urology work and I sort of like urology work in the fond memory of Dr. Shenoufy. My surgeon saw me scrubbed in and he said he thought I was relaxing and having a drink. I almost felt chased out of OT haha.

Third operation I learned what my colleagues are for and didn't scrub in, let my two senior colleagues handled it. Just told my surgeon "I need to pee" and ran off to blow my nose. Afterwards I sat back and just observe.

MO of the Day

Mr. Ashok just had a new baby and yesterday she was admitted for neonatal jaundice. Since she's our niece, we admitted her in our ward and have our Medical colleague come review her.

This morning, after I took baby's blood, Mr. Ashok called Huwaina the oncall person if she could lend RM10 to his wife. Dr. Sanji was hungry but only has biscuits and no money, so Mr. Ashok asked if Huwaina could lend RM10 to buy some roti canai at the canteen.

We happily skipped to Room 4 to meet Dr. Sanji and see the pretty baby but she didn't want our money hahahaha. She said she'll wait for Mr. Ashok. Plus she'd have to leave the baby unattended to go down for food. We understood and left her room.

I immediately called Mr. Ashok. "Dr. Sanji said she'll wait for you, she don't want to leave baby alone. Should I buy roti kosong or roti telur for her?"

Mr. Ashok thanked me and I bought satu roti kosong for her. ("Just buy one la, she eats only one.") Delivered it to her and she thanked me a lot.

"Ashok will pay you back for this right?"

I was going to say don't worry it's only RM1.20 but I don't want to make her feel bad, so I said

"Sure sure Mr. Ashok will pay me back double.. triple.. Hahaha."

Playing too much

Today during lunch break the team was in OT for a jejunal stenosis but I had to go pick my new toys from Pos Laju so I asked for excuse from Mr. Mughni who readily let me off. I told Mr. Ashok the oncall surgeon I'm going and Fido who was there helpfully supplied

"Atiqah nak gi pejabat pos, dia kata nanti dia balik dia bawak coconut shake."

Hahaha wth this bro bab makan memang tak menahan. Mr. Ashok pulled a long thoughtful look before saying

"Nevermind la Atiqah, nanti jadi macam haritu, kata nak bawa pizza tapi yang dapatnya nasi goreng."

And I was like "Mr. Ashoooook masa tu Ms. Rahilah yang nak belanja nasi goreng, Abang Kumaran kata cukup dah makanan so saya tak beli la pizza."

"Tapi saya dah kempunan pizza dah masa tu."

Haha kesiannya. So I told myself I cannot face Mr. Ashok ever if I did not come back today with coconut shakes in hand.

After the pejabat pos, I went to get the whole team coconut shake and by the time I got back hauling 12 shakes they already started PM round. After round team made their way to a multidisciplinary meeting and I stopped them for a bit. "Ada coconut shake."

You should have seen the happy look on Mr. Ashok's face and the picture our team made with each person walking into the meeting with a coconut shake in hand hahahahahahaha.

Tonight I called my parents. I try to call them weekly on Friday since it's the last day of weekday and I can update them when is my next oncall and where I'm off to for the weekend. When I talked to mom, the first thing she asked me was

"Dah ada gewe ke?"

She held on to this topic in our conversation for quite some few minutes, so I guess it must be important to her. She also reminded me that I said I'd be married before I go to Sabah, which I don't remember ever making such a great talk. It is odd, even for her, to ask me such a thing. She mentioned her concern over me driving around alone and going fast and blowing up the tires..

"Oh mama tahu Ika pecahkan tayar? Hahaha."

When that happened, I called my workmates who came to help me and only after help came did I call Along to tell him what happened and told him not to tell our parents. And afterwards I posted on Instagram. I guess mom knew from there.

I deducted she's getting more worried of me membuas. Sooner or later I'd get bored of nearby and go to farther places from Kota Kinabalu haha. No wonder she wants me to get hitched sooner.

I'll try. But I'm more concerned of my laziness to study and my skin getting darker from all the time under the sun.

Tremors

I have tremors. It augments when I'm hypoglycemic. This is a fact and I don't know how to correct it except by eating. I checked my TSH in 2016 and it was normal.

So today I assisted Mr. Ashok with a duodenoduodenostomy for a Day 30 of life, 2.12kg clinically Downie boy. After almost two hours later, at closing, he passed me the needle holder. I accepted it gladly. That's one of the reasons I like assisting Mr. Ashok. He asks, teaches in a fun way, and let me do things.

Mr. Ashok: Takpa kah saya suruh Atiqah close abdomen?
Me: Takpe sangat, saya suka.

Haha I like closing. Cause that's the next thing I can help with.

Mr. Ashok: Atiqah ni suka perli saya. Haritu saya suruh dia close skin dia jawab dia suka close skin.
Me: Memang saya suka close skin pun. Terima kasih Mr. Ashok sebab bagi saya peluang ini, silakan scrub out dan berehat.

I started suturing. And my hands started to shake.

Mr. Ashok: Kenapa tangan awak ketar sangat?
Me: Sebab saya lapar.

It was close to 3pm. The last time I ate was a piece of sandwiches at 10am hahaha and that was what I had all day.

Boss observed me close the abdomen and halfway finishing the skin before he left the OR. Then the Anaes team started gawking at me.

Joyce: Atiqah why are you shaking so much?
Me: I'm hypoglycemic.
Joyce: I was just going to prick the baby for DXT. If I prick your toes maybe I'll get a 2.
Me: I was thinking of 1.2 maybe.
Ezrannie: Wow symptomatic hypoglycemia. The next thing you'll be fitting.
Me: Tachypnic, I'll turn blue...
Joyce: Do you need sugar? I have some D50 here.
Ezrannie: You have to eat. Us Anaes when we know there's a neonate case we'll be eating like what.

I didn't say anything and just continued on suturing. I know but I was observing our elective OT before I had to scrub into emergency OT. I didn't notice the time.

I finished uneventfully. Afterwards I went to pee and went to the pantry where Abang Kumaran bought us Maggi goreng. I was eating on the seat beside the doorway when Ezrannie came in, saw our team eating and asked where I was.

"Here." In between munching my Maggi.

"Haa makan pun. Miss tahu tak, masa Atiqah close tadi, dia tremors sebab hypoglycemia."

Hahaha.