Does that make me a psychopath too?

There has been hype around a K-drama titled Summer Strike. The premise is of a lady quitting her city life to live quietly by a seaside town. Interesting because I can see myself doing that. Yim Siwan is the male lead and I've loved his psychopaths acting prior so I know he's a good watch. 

The drama was nice until Episode 4. I found the female lead character to be insufferable. I watched that episode at 1.5x speed to get over it but I just couldn't take it so I quit watching. 

First. If you want to live quietly, figuring out how to live your life, you should be independent and do not cause trouble to others. You don't need to be very smart, you just need a level head and good common sense. 

But not the female lead character. She should have known she is a lightweight drinker who trouble others and forgot what happens when she's drunk, so why did she down 3 bottles of soju that night? She ended up withdrawing all her money from the ATM, losing the money and causing trouble for everyone in town the next day. Her drunken state was repulsive. Sad from being abandoned by her only living family doesn't entitle her to cause trouble to others, so she should have just stick to one bottle. 

Perhaps because I just finished My Liberation Notes, and Son Sukku played a quiet alcoholic. The worse he does is get hurt in isolation and later found by the Yeom family when he didn't show up to work. Now that's really someone who wanted a quiet life. 

Second. She paid 600,000 won for a year rental, yet she paid 450,000 won to rescue a dog from an apparent mean owner. The depiction wasn't even that mean, it's just the dog that ran away from home. Although the dog was wearing a collar, there was no name or ID on it. She could have argued there was no proof that the dog belonged to the mean old lady. Her naivety aside, she was clearly being taken advantage of by the owner and I hate that, I hate that she let herself being taken advantage of. 

So I went and watched Unlocked to see Yim Siwon in a psychopath role. That was more satisfying. I should just stick to thrillers with handsome actors.

max from stranger things

Stranger Things 4 is out, and there's a scene stuck in my head. It was when Max was fighting for her life running towards the way out amidst Upside Down chaos, Vecna throwing boulders to stop her, and her friends in the real world yelling at her floating hypnotised body to get her to come back to her. Running Up That Hill was playing throughout the scene, it was Max's favourite song, and her friends played the song to get her to come back to them. And she did. 

I don't really have a favourite character but it hit me, because Max was going through depression from her traumatic experience, thinking she didn't deserve to live. But when it really came to the point where she was actually at the brink of death, she fought to live with that song as her talisman.

I think that's why the song regained popularity. Because I too, felt like Max. Want this life to end, but really, we just want to be saved. 

jehoonie oppa

Miss Haz's laptop has a flickering screen so she's in the talk to get a new one. We were promoting iPad Pro versus MacBook to her so I ran up to ward to get my iPad to show to her.

That's how Boss and Miss saw Je Hoon oppa on my wallpaper.

Miss was pointing it out calling him "oppa" and commenting this and that I forgot. I told them I don't have other picture on my iPad. Which is the truth, but even so I'm not putting anyone but Oppa as my wallpaper.

"Letak la gambar Miss Haz," Boss said while taking out his phone and showed the picture from yesterday's Kak Ros and Anes farewell party.

---

I'm currently watching Hospital Playlist, I've done till the latest S2E4 and waiting for E5 to drop. In the mean time I'm watching Nevertheless.

It's not my cup though. He's a playboy and she just dumped her cheating boyfriend. They are horny youngsters and I'm an old chimp. Am I that bored? I guess so.

I think she should stop and stay away. But I understand why she's not. He's clear that he's non committal and at the same time professed his interest and damn him, his care. He took care of her. That's why although she saw all the red flags of how dangerous of a game this is, she still kisses him first.

The drama is a no go. I like to live in denial that nowadays younguns are pure. 

my mister

I have nothing but praise for this drama. I cried from sorrow and heartwarmed and cried from joy. The words describing it was true, it's a love story minus the romance. 

The first time I cried was when Dong-hoon called Mr. Kim after he found out Ji-an slapped him because he badmouthed Dong-hoon. 

"Say 'I'm sorry' ten times." After which he did more than ten times while bowing 90 degree. "Let's stop this. I don't want my feelings to be hurt because of you." 

I was crying because how could you do that to Dong-hoon, he's the nicest. 

Respecting boundaries. He never took advantage of her love for him and he took her in like she was his little sister. 

"Can I give you a hug? I want to cheer you up."

"I'm already cheered. Thank you."

She asked to hug him before they finally parted and that was the first time they had physical contact other than a kick or a pat at the back. 

Comfort is when you understand each other. Understanding comes from keen observation, communication, and time spent. Communication isn't just saying what you think, but it's ensuring others hear what you mean. His fault is that he keeps things to himself because he didn't want to burden others, not even with his wife. The only thing he showed was his genuine kindness and care. Anyone who spent time with Dong-hoon will side with him, and anyone who understood him would kill people for him. That's what happened when they wiretapped him and listened to all the recordings. 

Love is loyalty. Dong-hoon's and Ji-an's loyalty is a national treasure. How the quiet man became enraged when a thug embrassed his brother in front of their mother, how he fought Gwang-il for what he did to Ji-an, how he beat Jun-yeong to a pulp when his wife knew he knew of their affair, how he always listened to all sides and stood up for his subordinates. 

And how Ji-an did everything she could to protect Dong-hoon. 

"I will feign ignorance."

"Thank you for being by my side even after you found out how fucked up my life is."

To find peace with yourself and live happily. 

Non cringy support of "cheer up", "it's not a big deal". 

The script and direction were superb. The character progression. The portrayals were amazing. They deserved the awards and nominations they got. I have respect for IU as an actor and hell Lee Sun Kyun is one fine man. 

Watch this again Atiqah. 

My wedding song will definitely be Rachael Yamagata - Something In The Rain

I'm three episodes left to finish Something In The Rain. The latest episodes are giving me heartbreak after heartbreak and I can't wait for the happy ending I googled I am getting. Was going to watch the next episode but it's an hour half long and it's 1.30am already.

Ten years ago we wouldn't care.
Haha. Getting old.

Anyway. The series made me think a lot.

How true love and romance don't definitely exist, and I still believe in my distorted "different shades of love", but watching them made me feel... happy and warm. Yup. I should fall in love too.

How I'll tell him he doesn't need to tell me everything, just let's not lie to each other.

How would I deal with it if my parents disapprove of who I'm dating.

The 13th episode's ending. If I were Jin-a I'll remember by now what kills Jun-hui the most is when she's not figuratively by his side. She shouldn't break up with him just because she didn't want her mother to hurt him with words. Her breaking up with him is what hurt him the most.

But who knows. Her mother softens when she wins. Maybe she'll see how ruined her child is afterwards and realise what a prick she is. God, the mother is the most realistic prick of a parent ever.

If I'm ever put in that position, I'll honour my parents request no matter how it kills me to do so, because one cannot live without parental blessings. But I'll stay away from home, drown myself in work, probably distract myself with reckless activities secretly hoping an early death. And I'll remain celibate the rest of my life.

Or take up some vice, a very bad habit that isn't haram. Smoking? That's haram though. And I can't handle strong smell, nice smell or not.
...
I can't think of anything.
Dramatic.
Yeah. Best to have a plan now.

Stop hurting people. We shouldn't hurt people's feelings.

Partner

I'm at home, fighting afternoon drowsiness for a needed nap and watching X Files. Mulder and Scully at it again, with her admitting her insecurities to him.

I guess when you have a trusted partner, that's what you do. And proceed from there.

---

I'm seeing a pattern here. And doesn't need psychobabbling to know what I want right now. Maybe even what I need. Heh. But since when do we always get what we want?

I didn't spend time with the Ortho crew for nothing

I don't watch Malay drama because our industry sucks. So I watch English drama hoping they will not suck as much.

I was watching Hawaii 5-0 and Chin was fighting this villain and he threw the bad guy out of the window, down the five storey building and camera showed poor guy fall buttock first onto the roof of a car.

Ooh nice fall. Dude not gonna make it. That's a fractured ischial tuberosity up to coccyx, vertebraes fracture, cerebral concussion, what else. Even if he survives this he's not gonna be walking again, spinal cord injury this bad.

So the crew came down to see the body and I was surprised body not there. I was pissed.
What the hell I've had patient fall from a lesser height and couldn't even move his toes! Gaaaah what is this medical miracle!

Lol, good luck dude.

A male character in a Korean soap was Googling how to win a girl's heart. The first was flowers. He shook his head. "No, she's just going to hit me with the flowers I bought."

The second was jewelleries. He shook his head as well. "No, she'll think I'm showing off."

Poor clueless guy. "Just be nice to her," Haru supplied. "Be nice and supportive to her."

Nak nangis tengok Hannibal S3E6

Hannibal and Will should never be in the same scene. It never end well. I was "Please don't hurt him please don't" all through, until Hannibal pulled out a portable grinder. Jack and I shared the same stricken face.

Me: No no no please don't, no-

And Hannibal, as he suggested, started craniotomy.

Me: Arghhh nooo please stopp!!

Mom and everyone else made some comment about me and the show but I didn't catch what they said. I'm too.. oh God my Will.

A love story. Spoiler alert.

Disclaimer: I am recapping an episode of Hannibal. It was too awesome I have to make a post out of it. You have been warned of spoiler and my borderline psychopathic tendency.

After stabbing Will in the stomach and ranting out his broken heart, Hannibal's last words to him were "I forgive you Will. Do you forgive me?" And then he cut Abigail's throat while Will watched in horror, helpless.

There is something intimate about stabbing someone in the stomach while holding them in an embrace. Hannibal's broken heart was so palpable I felt for him and why he did that. I've always been rooting for Will but this time.. It was very easy to forget Hannibal's a psychopathic serial killer and Will's the good guy here.

8 months later. Hannibal killed a man, broke all his bones and skinned him to model him into a heart. He left the body in a chapel where Will's search for Hannibal brought him there.

He left him.. his heart. His broken heart.

Will deduced Hannibal was still there. Earlier we were shown Hannibal peeking on him when Will was doing his thing so we know. He went down to the maze-like basement and softly called out Hannibal's name. Hannibal stopped; who wouldn't when someone called your name out so.. lovingly?

And then Will said to the darkness "I forgive you."

It was.. sensual. No wonder the Hannigram went nuts, the show really is tapping into the Fujoshis in us.

---

On an unrelated note, a comment I received on my previous post pointed me to one anonymous reader who has good command in English and an apparent normal social mechanism. The comment was too distant to be from Farano and I am almost curious enough to disable anonymous commenting on this blog.

However, where would be the fun in that?

Frustration is a mutual feeling

I admire his eloquent speech. His brain and deductions. I find his unkept physique adorable. He was analysing crime and his fishing analogy reminds me how he envelopes himself in nature to calm his vivid thoughts down.

And I thought, how do you love such a guy?

---

On an unrelated note, "frustrated" is the word I've been looking for these past few days. I want to share this feeling with someone because it is good to vent, but I also appreciate that it's only temporary relief before feeling stupid sinks in. My options are also limited to my parents or Umair, both of which don't match me psychologically and wouldn't know what to say. I don't feel my parents are approaching me correctly and admitting my frustration to Umair will only validate her own frustration. I have my cool demeanour to live up to.

Perhaps these two notes aren't as unrelated as I claimed.

I am also quicker to lose patience with human nowadays. I react by quietly fuming. It's not helping anything and perhaps facilitating their deterioration, and at the end all I can do is pray Allah gives me more patience and guide us (them!) to the right path.

Partners in crime

Is it normal to be excited watching Hannibal?

I blame Will's apathetic arrogant expression that I find endearing and adorable. I especially grinned with Dr. Lecter's subtle amused smirk that I can relate to. I hail the psychopathic tone of the series. The intelligent writing. 

There's a good reason why they air this show at 0050. It's so dark it's exhilarating.

---

On another note, I complained to mom that I'm demotivated to do anything when I'm left on my own.

"Like today, I ran out of cash and I was only motivated to withdraw some after I picked up Melle."

"I told you, you need a partner." Mom grinned.

We had this conversation before, it's either Mitchi or no one. Or Will.

"What I need, is a driver."

The Blacklist

Just for the record, Tom and Elizabeth Keen's love story is probably my current favourite romance. S2 E16 ending conversation wrapped up the whole romance beautifully.. in the insane way they are.

"Keen."

"It's me. Are you okay?"

"... Where are you?"

"Are you okay?"

When I call, I always greet the person by name and introduce myself by name. To one day take a leaf out of their book seems like a pretty decent goal..

I should write proper titles instead of saying wishful things like "I should study" but anyhow, the title is "Perhaps psychiatrist kills better than surgeons".

Originally I wanted to start this post by disclaiming that I don't usually rant emotionally but then I remembered more than a handful of posts... so yeah. Moving on.

Hannibal franchise is one of my favourite. I have this thing for brilliant psychopaths and that includes the "high-functioning psychopath" that is Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock. I enjoyed Anthony Hopkins and that young easy-on-the-eye dude who played Hannibal in Hannibal Rising. They were brilliant and suave and charming and despite the gore, I cheered for them.

Then Hannibal the series came. Hugh Dancy was on the screen and I shrieked in delight. He has always been my kind of man and this time he was playing sometimes-bespectacled stubbled Will Graham. And I was... smitten.

But it didn't take me off my interest in Hannibal. Undisputably Mads Mikkelsen was brilliant. His portrayal of Hannibal was smooth, suave and just pure evil. It was this time around that I realise the damage such evil brought. He framed Will for the murders he committed. He had "no traceable motives" and that made him hard to trace. Everything he did was to fulfill his psychopathic joy, to see how people will react.

In another setting, if Hugh Dancy wasn't the one playing Will, I would have been interested, amused at the glimpse of intricate human mind. But it was Hugh Dancy. His Will was reliable and helpless at the same time making me want to... save him. And Hannibal screwed his head so bad he broke.

I was torn between two evils and couldn't decide which was worst; screwing with people's head so bad they break or disfiguring their face for life.

My point is. Love can put a stop to your psychopathy.

Big bros are useful, sometimes useless

I'm seeing a lot of Will lately so last night when I saw him on TV again, I turned to my big bro and said "Find me someone like him."

"There's no one I know who looks like that," he grinned, rubbing his goatee. "I'm the only one around with a beard."

"Just find someone." Like every good little sister, I persisted. "As long as he looks like Will."

---

It has been eventful coming home. I'm down to a week now yet I haven't finish a single chapter, what more find what-you-call-it. Screwed anyway.

Will write properly soon. Later.

Clairvoyant

"Recipients of a single organ donor exhibit the same bizarre, manic behaviour before lapsing into comas."

The first thing on my mind was RABIES because it was an infective neurological case from organ transplantation. I waited in high-spirit for a full 25 minute the series discussed the case, questioning why the doctors didn't think to investigate for rabies and to trace back what really happened with the donor.

And when they finally reveal the diagnosis, I was waiting with fist ready to pump.

Fist pump. God, was I smug.

And then... Nothing. I now knew the cause and that I was right. I knew once symptoms of rabies flare, there's little to nothing else you can do. But even if there was something to do, I was dampened. I didn't really wanted to know. I got my fist pump, I don't care for anything else. Aah, life's good.

It was then a revelation to me. That I am excited of cause and deduction, and not at all by actions of what's next. That explains my situation nowadays. Knowing but not doing anything about it. Clearly stated in Surah Al-Baqarah verse I-forgot-but-it's-around-two-third-of-the-surah about insolent servants like me. Huh.

The next day, it occurred to me that that case was probably the first case of rabies by organ transplantation in the world, that's why the CDC was hell late. And that my knowledge of it was inherited at their expense.

That fist pump was uncalled for. I wasn't great.

Bear That Pain

When we were doing our debate thing, they gave us a motion that required us to dig into the private health sector of America. It was a cool experience, conflicting actually, because mom works in the private health sector so I wasn't thinking objectively.

Anyway, let's put that aside. Post debate, I was Wiki-ing Justin Bieber and he mentioned something negative about USA helth sector, which would have been a point for our coolness should we used it.

Bieber has said he is not interested in obtaining United States citizenship and has criticized America's health care system. Praising Canada as being "the best country in the world", he cited its health care system as a model example.

And then there's that scene in CSI Miami season 9, when the guys interrogated a Mala Noche member. Leuitenant Caine shot his shoulder to bring him down and Wolfe pressed on his wound to make him talk. The guys got what they wanted and left the thug to be apprehanded.

He yelled his cut of the bargain, "Where's my hospital?!" to which Caine replied, "You ain't got the insurance."

Heh. The private health sector in USA is sad.

"It's a grand for court contempt!"

"And the school is suspending me because of the pending criminal charges."
-Paul, Leverage customer

Happy Malaysia Day everyone. Let's pretend that that is a Malaysia flag.

I played a lawyer three years ago, defending a student expelled because of a pending criminal charge, something related to possession of drugs (or was it B&E?) We won the case playing with the sentiment "innocent until proven guilty" and "education right for everyone".

It was child's play. In today's justice reality, you don't get that. That's how we come to have Leverage on air.

Life, Glorified.

Whenever we discussed political corruptions at the dining table, I'd get real pissed off that I wanted to pull a Leverage on those corrupted asses. Some big shot names came up and my mind immediately recalled some of Ford's plans to bring them down.

Then we'd discuss the shambles our police institution is known for and I'd get sickeningly sad at their dishonesty. My mind automatically went to the Reagans and the integrity of Mac's crime lab.

Life is so much glorified by the television that I'm getting my hopes high. Too high perhaps, which translates to either me or life is pathetic. (And it cements the fact that I'm way overdose.)

It is in human nature to be good and the idea of not doing the right thing is alien to me. At the same time, we all have a fearless quality; an adjective that defines us overwhelmingly that it rids us off our very nature to the point of heeding nothing of the words of God. It could be as palpable as greed for the group of people I mentioned above, and it could also be as seemingly innocent as laziness.


But when your laziness is fearless, it is life-threatening. So is any other qualities.

Rambo in Pathology

The fun lies in what happened today at Dr. Ehab's tuition, when we had our second section where we saw five slides of liver.

"If you move your slides haphazardly, you will be Lost. Season 5."

Lost starring Missy the cat.

I laughed and Dr. Ehab continued rather sheepishly.

"Actually there is season 9 but they found nothing. I prefer Desperate Housewives."

Thus I relaxed myself to a class of cultural referances, crossed my legs and happily took notes of everything. It's like living a Hey Soul Sister or Hollywood. And I am sure the average living colleagues of mine will be Lost to what this post is about :) thus the declining number of people with faith in my sensibility.

"In jars, there is hallucination you can adapt to. In slides, it is the art of reality."

I seriously love that part; it summarized the difficulty I had in translating the jars we had in the Pathology museum without the help and guidance the lecturers and the book.

Like seriously. If you have no basic on the theoretical part of a pathological description, there is no way you can describe the jars. Thus the hallucination because you know what is there immersed in formalin, but it's not really that visually palpable.

Also today we had section of a hepatocellular carcinoma (which some lecturers might prefer to as hepatoma) and Dr. Ehab gave us the common description of a cancerous tissue. He gave us the analogy of American troops invading Afghanistan and Iraq and we might easily distinguish the invaders through their large number moving in masses wearing identical fatigues and also by their language.

"There is no invasion by a single cell, unless it's Rambo or whatever."

John Rambo.

And at the end of class, Syaimaa' said, "-unless it's Rambo or Atiqah Hanifah."

I think she overrated me; I am an innocent cell with no anaplastic features whatsoever.