Patients tak dengar cakap

Baby melalak ongoing FFP transfusion. Patik pergi kat baby dan pegang tangan dia kelek branula dia (baru pasang sebelum masuk FFP). Perfectly intact, no signs of thrombophlebitis.

Baby dah pun berhenti menangis. Patik gonyoh2 perut dia dan membebel "Dik manja sangat ni."

---

Baby melepaskan diri dari bendungan dan membebel seorang diri sambil kunyah branula di tangan dia.

"Dik jangan la kunyah branula tu."

Baby terus mengunyah tanpa mendengar cakap. Patik menghampiri baby membawa hyperfix lebih demi menyelamatkan patik dari terpaksa pasang branula baru untuk budak ni. "Adik jangan la kunyah nanti tercabut kena pasang baru."

Patik bedung semula baby. Baby merengek. Patik segera berlalu pergi sebelum baby melepaskan diri dan kembali mengunyah branula dan patik tension.

With Arms Wide Open

I've always been crude but I know I'm a good kid. Because whenever I become crude, I feel bad afterwards.

This month's pledge is to keep silent when I have nothing good to say, keep silent when I want to be cynical.

Family are like air

What does it mean to be excited when you see someone? I grin and run up to certain people when I see their back, while some other people I'd just.. Not react much.

Today I was walking back to my ward from the parking area when a familiar voice called my name out. I turned around and it was bro standing in front of the canteen.

"Tiqs, what's up."

I looked at him, not really answering.

"Makan kat kantin?" He probed.

"Tak.. letak barang."

And I walked to where I was originally heading. I then turned around thinking I have fifteen minutes to kill before my course resume and maybe I'd hang out with him. But then I decided to head on.

"He's an adult." He doesn't need company. But he would like, I guess. Nevermind it's too hot I should get indoor asap.

And then it occurred to me. He called me out when he saw me. That's admirable. I don't think I'd call him out if I see him not even going my way.

But I'd run over if it was Vicky. Haha. It occurred to me that Luqman is a brother. He's family and he can get away with anything from me. But you don't go huha on family, they're like air. Silently important.

Child-friendly monsters

I'm always amazed when people become so selamba with me. Like yesterday's call my MO Dr. Yufi asked during rounds

"Dah amik ke BUSE dia? Owh belum amik blood lagi la bro."

Afterwards I was readying for a lumbar puncture but he said "Lepas ni la aku nak kencing jap." And he kept switching between "aku" when talking and "saya" on group message.

I was between laughing at such selambaness and thinking why was he so aloof and friendly, I don't remember him being such when I first work with him in NICU. Have I gave them aura that I'm aloof like that? I thought I behaved better than this... at least I try to.

It was a fun call. I have always liked Dr. Yufi because of his cool persona, his hair are always well coiffed and he has one of the coolest guitar riff opening ringtone out there. And since he was selamba I also went selamba with him and asked for one branula insertion without even attempting for that baby cause I was tired already don't want to bother, and we only have one branula left in this entire ward. When I asked for blood as well, despite the baby's tricky line, he went aghast "Seriously?" which reminded me of my own habit to which I snorted a reply "Seriously."

I believe that babies understand as much as us adults and so I talk to them like they do. I call them adik or by their name if they're already named, and don't do baby-talk. It was cool that I see Dr. Yufi does the same.

I guess people lose their inhibitions during oncalls. We're just so tired we don't bother anymore. We play with the babies as we run pass them because they're so cute and buncit and they're a joy to be around except for their maddening crying. I've squatted on the floor before, clutching my head in the presence of all my MOs during last call because I was exasperated with the day's jonahness, I think they thought I lost it.

---

I never call my female MO by "kak" before, I only address them such after I leave the posting (except Kak Lin in Ortho because she's so chummy with us). Cause it feels sort of like we're chummy but I don't really know these people.

But in Paeds they all address themselves as "kak" and sometimes I still call them "doctor" especially when I'm not so familiar with them. Guys of course I address as "doctor" though behind them some I address as "abang" like my favourite Abang Badddd #matabentukhati

One MO Kak Emas, she amazed me by calling me Tiqs. I don't know if it's the norm to short Atiqah for Tiqs, but in this hospital only Luqman calls me that. I wondered if she heard him call me that.

Cerek

I remember he was quite a kerek MO. He was officially my superior for a week period when I started Urology, otherwise I remember him as a friend.

There were only two HOs carrying out the AM round plan for that day, Afiq and I. The rest went to clinic by lunch time and had lunch together with the MOs and surgeons. It was nearing 2 pm and soon the MOs will come for PM round. I just finished my end of the job, prayed Zohor and managed to PM review two acute bed patients.

He came for round and approached the patient that I unfortunately didn't manage to review yet. He looked through the ticket and saw no PM review yet and asked me about it.

"Tak PM review lagi?"

"Sorry, yang ni tak sempat."

"Houseman ramai dalam wad buat ape." He said tonelessly. I didn't answer him back because in my heart I was glaring him dude there were two HOs in the ward, I did what I could, the rest went for the lunch party that you also attended, and I haven't eaten yet so please not another word.

So yeah. He can be a kerek MO sometimes..

Cuts of fresh fruits off a stall

Just a memorial update.

Today is happy. I got off work on time, then Kemal messaged saying they're at HRPZ to visit an admitted family member so I went there running to meet my niece Aya Safiyya and she is the cutest thing subhanallah cannot tahan. Perfect little girl she is.

Then I went home and napped hahaha. Woke up lazy and replied a colleague's message regarding patients, then suddenly bro called asking out for a ride. He later politely discouraged me from sleeping until so late in the evening and I was almost surprised he didn't diss me, must be in one of his reminiscening mood why else would we go out?

You know what, for the last two weeks I was merajuk with him twice (my style of merajuk is to not talk to you for a while later be normal, no need pujuk me I can pujuk myself because I am a self-sustaining rational person) because he was verbally harsh at me on the phone over a case then during rounds. I took him personally and on that Thursday I was chirpy when Mr. Ruzaimie talked to me "Awak tak ikut round ayah awak ke?" "Tak habis review patient lagi bos." but I didn't reply him nor even look at him when he joined in our conversation with what I took as harsh personal remarks on me "So awak dah pandai sangat la?" (cause I was not following rounds) and later at the end I gave him a semi frown "I'm not talking to you" because he was persistently talking to me. Later I felt bad, I should not be rude to families. But now that I think of it, I don't remember him ever be harsh when it's just us talking personal things. I should keep note of this.

Anyway I went out around 1830 hour, we went until Chinatown with solat break at Masjid An-Naim... and dodged a bullet when I came home around two hours later.

All I can say is, if you wanna go far and fast, you go with a bro.

When we took a break at Hayaki, I saw Bang Aslam! I called him out and he grinned at me "Macam kenal."

"Atiqah! Saya tak pakai spek!" Haha I would have told him off how dare tak kenal saya but was too excited to see him and I introduced him to bro.

On a side note, I introduced him as "ni abang" and later in our conversation I was praising Dr. Badrul my NICU MO saying "I'm even calling him abang now" in which bro commented "geli la panggil abang" and I disclaimed "behind him la, depan dia he's still Dr. Bad" that made me think I hope he didn't find my introduction as repulsive, hope he gets that I consider him family and not panggil him one. God forbid, I only call seniors I've known pre-working era who is born before 1988 as abang.

Man I miss Bayep.

For the love of sneakers

I had my off yesterday and I'm working all through this weekend. I like working on weekends because I get to wear my sneakers... but then I remembered what my dad told me earlier this week.

"Kakngah jangan dah la pakai sneakers pergi kerja, even weekends." He said with a grin. "Nampak macam budak2 sangat."

Enough to say I was stunned. Dad rarely gives me direct order like that so when he does I know it's really something which bothered him for a while. And I'm a good kid, I don't disobey a direct order.

So yeah. Tomorrow I'm working on a weekend and denied wearing sneakers. I WANT TO CRYYY SOMEONE BETTER CHEER ME UP CM :'(

They told me to not be a girl

We have a baby under our care at the NICU planning for a radiological investigation soon, but Fateh is still ventilated and who is going to accompany the baby; ICU team or the instigating team? Today our surgeon asked me and I said

"Ikut hati saya," while making forms for the blood I took. "Saya lagi confident Medical hantar patient dari HO Surgery."

Because let's face it, can they manage the ventilation part? When I was in Surgery, I couldn't.

"Kenapa kena ikut hati kau. Penting ke." Dr. Zafran taunted.

The MOs are used to bickering with me and it has become a regular for them, but I'm getting tired of being constantly treated harshly by the people I like. I know we're friends and we hang out together, but when we're talking about cases do I have to even request we be civil and professional? In front of the bosses no less?

So I answered sharply. "Penting sebab saya yang jaga dia." And that shut him up.

Afterwards I asked Luqman of the plan he wrote when Mr. Ruzaimie saw the case that I referred last night.

"What was the first word? I couldn't read your writing."

"Spigot."

"Oh okay." I'll look it up, I'm not familiar with that term.

He was shutting the door behind him when he answered me but he made a double turn.

"The eyes don't see what the mind doesn't know." And then he left.

I held my tongue from making a comeback. I know he's in a midlife crisis but there was no need to be hateful like that. And what I asked was regarding a case, nothing personal. So why make a personal comment?

It's a good thing I am becoming a surgeon because I have a clear vision of what I want. Had I been a lesser person I would have abandoned these people. The surgeons are great, Dr. Aizat and Dr. Vicky support me academically, my sisters are amiable with me but these two idiots for MOs are pushing my limit, Luqman especially. It matters to me because I consider him my bro and I am stupidly sentimental, and he and Dr. Zafran are pushing it. Don't they see the lines between friends and professionalism?

If this happens again, if they can't stay professional and I keep taking this personally, I'm going to say "that's it" and walk out of this brotherhood.

I should act more like a lady (keyword here is should)

These three days has been fun. Whenever I'm bored I will naturally follow my bros around; one is ongoing midlife crisis, another who introduced me to his colleagues as "my boss" or "who is making my life miserable" and another one is a natural bully me.

I learned a lot from Dr. Zafran but he's a funny crazy guy so I naturally became relentless and talked back making their colleagues lifted eyebrows in surprise.

"MO ke HO?" Dr. Mad (was MO HRPZ) said.
"Saya HO."
"Macam ni ye HO sekarang.." Dr. Zaim (V's first year colleague) said.
"Dengan Dr. Zafran je saya macam ni." Sambung gaduh dengan Japran.

One time I turned to kopiah-wearing Dr. Fadli (was MO HRPZ) after Dr. Zafran wouldn't stop annoying me and I asked

"Masa Dr. Fadli MO HRPZ memang layan HO macam ni ke?"

"Haah kami memang layan HO macam ni. Kami siap digalakkan lagi."

"Nevermind I asked the wrong guy.."

---

Today Dr. Zaim addressed me by my name. I think I might have been too reckless here.

ASPS 2016 Precongress Meeting

L smiled at me. I know that smile.

"Tiq, tolong ambilkan bag (pendaftaran) for me."

Nice me went and dealt with the secretariat. This dude didn't register with his proper name, nasib baik this then-reporter had a penchant for remembering people's full name. Came back and handed him his.

Japran: Mane aku punya.

I glared him but nice me went and met the secretariat again. She obviously sympathised with bullied me.

Me: Nah.
Japran: Buatkan kopi sekali.

My legs moved to play the servant role but I might spit in his coffee.. so I said no.

---

Dr. Fadli: Eh cite la pasal xxx.
Mustaq: HO tak boleh dengar.
Me: Okay. (Stood up)
Mustaq: Ala gurau je.

I went away anyway because I'm nice and don't do gossip. I left them boys to what they do best (gossiping) until later Mustaq called me out.

Mustaq: Hang pernah tengok Ghostbuster?
Me: Tak.
Mustaq: Duduk sini semula.
I dragged my chair into their cycle.

Camne tak dapat prostate asyik lepak dengan abang2 je, tapi kakak2 tak ajak lepak sekali hmm.

Dad said surgeon is pulling my leg but cmon I'm having a heart attack now

I was on clinic duty today and was busy until 5pm. I trotted out towards Anggerik hoping to catch a surgeon to guide me with the ASPS poster. When I got there Mr. Ruzaimie was in the house discussing with my MOs and I plopped my head on the counter silently until boss turned around to notice me.

"Salam bos. I need help."

Boss went through my abstract and gave pointers. "Get ready with the questions they're going to ask you and rehearse to answer in one minute. Rehearse baik-baik sebab saya tak rasa saya ada untuk tolong korang. Masa tu waktu makan."

"Bossss jangan buat saya macam niii." I squirmed like the #HOpalingmanja I am.

Then I realised they're not treating me like a houseman. Told this to my pops and he was gleefully laughing at me. Yesterday I merengek to abengoh as well and he laughed at me.

I know I know, in the past HOship is only for a year and logically once you finish HO training for that posting you are basically a junior MO there but WHYYY IS THIS HAPPENING TO MEEEEE

Just now I sent boss a copy of my abstract and he replied with

"I just downloaded dozen of papers for you."

Thanks boss I feel so manja now. Sobs thank you boss. Gastro round on me.

---

So Dr. Zafran was pissing me off then he asked for my journal subscription password.

"Why should I give my password to you."

"Sebab kitorang jumpa ayah awak pagi tadi. Minggu lepas jumpa abang awak. Kakak ipar awak pun dah jumpa. Habis satu family dah jumpa."

"Ape kaitan pagi tadi saya pun jumpa ayah saya."

I gave him anyway. Back home I asked dad if he met the Surgery team this morning.

"Haah papa on the way pergi klinik."

"Diorang kata apa."

"Takde pape. Diorang senyum dan tegur papa."

Bwahaha ingatkan discuss benda serius rupanya standard anak buah jumpa bos je hahahah.

Let's sleep

I was on postnatal ward duty with Pofin yesterday and we realised we haven't worked side-by-side in a long time.

"Bila kita nak oncall sekali. Malam tu gerenti tak tidur," Pofin commented.

I rolled my eyes. We both are jonah people and I love this guy but not enough to sacrifice my sleep for him.

That's what sisters do

For the upcoming ASPS another houseman by the name Jihan is coming. She is a final poster nurtured by Mr. Tar as well. I've heard her name but I don't know her.

"Stay with her in KL. Keep her company."

"Why. I don't know her."

"Get to know her la. Give her a call."

"I don't know her. I should not be talking to strangers. Kalau dia lelaki takpe jugak. I'm straight."

"Then you go stay with Vicky la."

"Stupid."

---

"Actually you ate my favourite part of the chicken."

"I did?"

"Yes that's my favourite part of the chicken. Don't let it happen again."

"Okay I'll remember that so that it will happen again."

"Are you trying to piss me off."

Referring cases to bro be like

"Salam Luqman, Atiqah ni HO Paeds dari SCN-"

"Cut the formality. What's up?"

"Nak refer baby from SCN for liver biopsy."

"Okay tunggu situ. I'll go find you."

Fastest referral ever. But why want to find me. I want to go home and sleep. It was straightforward he should let me sell my case then decide whether it warrant Surgical review or not. But nevermind otherwise I wouldn't be seeing him.

Maka mengantuk la budak postcall ni tunggu abangnya tak sampai lagi. How did I got caught by my MO to refer cases at noon?

Bro came. Discussed case with him. Bro clerked.

"So biopsy ni bawah Radio or bawah kita?"

"By kita you mean?" He grinned.

"Surgical." Of course.

He grinned wider. "But you're in Paeds."

"Yes. Fine nevermind."

"You're in the team."

"I know."

He sat down to write his review and asked "Surat referral mana?"

"Ops."

"That's your excuse? I expect higher from you."

Later bro took his leave.

"Thanks for your time."

"Thanks bro."

"Though a waste of my time."

"Thank you for your company."

I didn't spend time with the Ortho crew for nothing

I don't watch Malay drama because our industry sucks. So I watch English drama hoping they will not suck as much.

I was watching Hawaii 5-0 and Chin was fighting this villain and he threw the bad guy out of the window, down the five storey building and camera showed poor guy fall buttock first onto the roof of a car.

Ooh nice fall. Dude not gonna make it. That's a fractured ischial tuberosity up to coccyx, vertebraes fracture, cerebral concussion, what else. Even if he survives this he's not gonna be walking again, spinal cord injury this bad.

So the crew came down to see the body and I was surprised body not there. I was pissed.
What the hell I've had patient fall from a lesser height and couldn't even move his toes! Gaaaah what is this medical miracle!

Smitten

The babe is two days old. I need to prick him for 1.5cc of blood. Pricked the babe and he cried with tears. He cried all through the procedure despite my somewhat soothing words and once done, I secured the prick site and quickly picked him up.

He calmed down instantly. It was magical. All he needed was a cuddle, not even D10%. That baby is so manja, so so manja. I couldn't put him down so I cleaned up while holding him in one hand. Then I pushed his cot out from the Procedure Room all the way to his mother, holding him close to me.

I like babies. They're so cute and I always talk to them about kissing them. I also want to cut them up.

Bullied at ECPSU 2016

We had Paed Surgery East Coast Update last Sunday and Monday. I used my postcall-off to attend. Was late on the first day and Mr. Tar caught me registering at 2.30pm.

"Atiqah. Kenapa baru datang?"

"Postcall boss. Baru habis round."

Had two deaths and another resuscitating from 2am to 11am but kid succumbed. I showered, followed round, ate KFC otw to HUSM.

Anyway at the end of the event. Luqman was supposed to conduct the quiz session but he handed it over to Syahmi and I.

"Ape jawapan dia?" I didn't even know the questions.

"Goreng je."

"Why did I tolerate you?"

He looked at me like I'm the crazy one before huffing. "Ah diam la."

He really is like a brother now. I've hit him before, one of these days I'm really going to murder him.. I'll resus him afterwards.

And after the event. Luqman told me to haul the bunting and stands and printer back in my car "sebab kitorang ada Kelisa je, tak muat."

"Okay."

"Cepat sikit."

"Pergi amik kereta sekarang." That was Mustaq.

I glared the guys with a death grin but they took me as harmless. I've always listen well to my MOs. Anyway Luqman said he's going to take it from my house but stuffs still in my car. I took it to work and asked him to tell his henchmen to take it from my car and he said okay.

On Friday and stuffs still in my car. It took me two takes to carry everything back to Anggerik from Unit Angkut and that sweat me out. Bunting empat, stand lima and heavy each, printer satu. I didn't bother notifying him because I know it be useless anyway. Not my style to note people multiple times. I still like him as a bro but why la I chose such a guy for a bro. Am I into uselessness?

Omar and Helmi were at the event as well. Helmi said I looked more matured. I asked him what he meant and he said

"Sebelum ni macam budak-budak."

Haha thenks..

Omar. Haha. What should I say. I guess I'll just wait in this few more months of housemanship and see where this go.

It's lonely to oncall sorang

Oncall kali ni bersama seorang teman. Kakak sulung empat beradik dan nak jadi doktor. Maka saya pun "beres harini tagging dengan saya" dalam usaha nak patahkan semangat dia apsal la kecik2 nak jadi doktor jadi la nelayan tuna ke.

Beliau dipanggil tagger dan disuruh bantu saya review dan buat procedure untuk patient. Benda simple seperti labelling blood yang dah di ambil, pasangkan Upin Ipin untuk adik2 tengok sambil menjerit kena cucuk (padahal tagger tu sendiri nak tengok Upin Ipin), tolong tenangkan adik2, tolong amik barang simple2.

Thanva berumur 11 tahun, chronic lung disease on prolonged antibiotics, day 10 or so dalam wad.

HO paling manja

Semalam oncall clerk kes sorang2 dalam hujan. Tengok atas nampak Ortho datang round with Mr. Shidee boss. Hati jadi sayu. Nak join tapi tengah clerk kes. Rindunya Mr. Shidee.

Kebetulan kes aku clerk tu katil sebelah patient Ortho review tu. Aku pergi sebelah tak kacau bos round. Nak tegur nanti termenangis sebab happy nampak boss tapi tak tegur rasa bersalah. Curi pandang macam tu je..

Tapi bos nampak. Mr. Shidee saw me and beliau sengih dan angkat kening. Atiqah pun cair. Kalau boss perempuan memang aku pergi peluk dan mengendeng macam kucing dah. Angkat tangan hai dan "Salam Mr. Shidee, apa khabar?"

Dr. Syahmi sengih tengok aku. "Awak Paeds?"

Me dengan hati sayu "Haah saya sini sekarang."

Diorang pun sambung pergi lain. Atiqah sambung clerk kes dengan hati sayu.

I told this to my dad "rasa macam kurang kasih sayang, nampak bos dan bos cam Ika pun Ika rasa happy nak peluk dia" and he said I have been loved.

---

I admit I love Ortho and it is officially my favourite and most beloved posting (poor me I still have three postings to go through yet not giving them a chance to woo me). But I hang out professionally with my Surgical brothers despite never really proclaiming I love Surgery, because truth is I have not been able to pinpoint what I love about Surgery.

And I believe I am in the team. Surgeons are keeping me in the loop and one even updated me the case like I am their own. Even now when they do they rounds and they see me nearby they tell me things like "Atiqah, team round kena join". I know they're joking because cmon I am a HO serving another department, but in good faith they are making me feel like part of the team.

And so, I stay. I don't deny I am fickle but I have always been loyal. Now to return all those faith with hardwork and studying.

---

It's decided. I'm going to be an Anaes HO for the sake of hanging out in OT. When it's Poknik or Abengoh in the lead I will ask my MO's permission to join them instead.

"Poknik nak close boleh? Pleaaaase."

And Poknik will say yes.

Because Ortho MOs are my MOs and friends, I owe them four happy months of my life

If I have to choose between my Surgical bros and my Ortho MOs, I'll choose Ortho in a heartbeat. Like that one time Luqman came to review an intraabd in our ward and saw me and wanted to pull me out for breakfast but Dr. Syahmi just pulled me down to Orthobay and I told him

"Sorry bro, oncall, Orthobay dah manggil."

And Luqman was

"Bro, you turn your back on me."

So I just waved the diva goodbye.

Come to think of it, it's always been work before bros. But I can see events play out. Like Luqman calling me out for a cuppa but then I saw Kak Lin and immediately hug her and make plans, even if she's busy have to go to OT I'll follow her with a "I'll scrub and assist".

He will turn disapproving and say "Bro we made plans first."

And I'll be crude and say "Who are you" and pull Kak Lin away.

Or if I meet Poknik or Abengoh on the street and I'll ask them what were they up to, is there a case to see or somebody's leg to mend. I'll follow them and if I'm jobless need to attend OT to regain my senses, I'll choose an Ortho OT with either of them or Pokpa over Mr. Tar and the crew.

Because I'm, as Kak Paan said, already in the Surgery team. So I'll be fickle and spend my free time with the team I like the most, where I flourished most Surgically. Which is the Orthopod.

---

Hatim saw that I enjoyed Ortho very very much. I told him yeah, if I decide not to take Paed I'll be an Ortho Surgeon for sure. I told him because that was where I sharpened my skill surgically so I owe them a hell lot.

Hatim said it was owing to the fact I was a third poster in Ortho (damn imma fourth poster now what the hell does it mean) with more confidence in myself and the MOs can see that,

"and all that owes to the basic you gained from Surgery. So you owe it to your first posting as well."

I know he's right, but it doesn't change the fact I love Ortho most. Haha. You know how you're in love with someone but you marry someone else? This must be it.

---

When we were in HKL for the Masterclass, Vicky went around introducing me to some of the other Master students. There's this one Chinese MO I didn't catch his name, but V introduced me to him as "she's my HO in Kota Bharu, doing Paed Surgery, she can do appendix already."

And my face went 'where the hell did that came from' because we all know HRPZ ain't Kuching.

When we were leaving they were trying to pull me out of following Mr. Tar to the airport via taxi and join them for a cuppa instead. Luqman was being stupid and questioned why would I rather go on a date with an old guy and I would have hit him had I the energy. He didn't know I was feverish TRO dengue.

I think V knows I needed the company and transport because of my health issue. But he did encourage me to spend more time with them (I spent most free time hanging out with V because I don't have other time. I can spend time with Luqman in KB if we choose to) saying to the Chinese MO

"This girl she's so straight. A ruler will lose to her." Because I, really, couldn't say no to Mr. Tar.

"Then the ruler has a problem, not her." Was what the MO said. Haha. I need to put a name to the face soon.

---

Btw Vicky send me an email editing my abstract. I need to sleep two hours ago. I'll read his email tomorrow... haha.

Bros

I went to work. I was the first HO to arrive haha why oh why. I was feeling nauseated since the car ride and was barely standing during second patient review.

Surgery came to review around 8 plus and I saw Luqman came in later but I didn't say hi nor did he saw me. I later went to the counter to trace results. Then suddenly someone showed up leaning in from my left.

"Why are you crying?"

"Huh?" It was Luqman. "I'm not."

"Your eyes are red. You look like you cried."

"Nauseated since morning."

"Why are you working?"

"I'm still on MC. Datang to test power. Sabtu dah oncall."

I went back to work. I felt sicker talking about this. He turned around and just before leaving back to join the round

"Good luck."

"Thanks." I remember thinking luck is all I have now, strength not so much.

We didn't talk much. Me from lethargy, him from not knowing what to say or less likely from not wanting to tire me more. Later I went to the toilet. My face was flushed. I looked sick.

Why are we doing this again?

Today I watched The Dark Knight Rises on KIX. I was inspired by Batman.. to take an eight years leave.

I am tired. Good thing is that this isn't just my talk, my dad notices this as well. I am officially still riding on the aftermath of dengue with hepatitis. I feel like I'm running on a third of my usual battery.. I really want my energy back.

Aunty Lua my insurance agent came over today. I thought I was okay but holding a conversation with her took more from me than I expected. She said I looked so tired and was even sweating. Yeah I feel exhausted when all I did was talk to her.

So I mentioned to mom I'm tired, more tired than doing tagging, and feel like taking a one month leave. Mom told me to stop whining and be grateful I don't have kids or a husband yet... what? 

This means I am back to work tomorrow. Not excited. Let's just live one day at a time.

When it rains, it pours

As expected, I had dengue. Not just NS1 positive with warning signs, I came to the hospital late with compensated shock. Stayed a good five days in the ward, clocked an RM9,000 bill and discharged with hepatitis. And it's worsening.

I was given MC until next Thursday but I'm a houseman, I've used up all my leaves for this posting unless I go to work tomorrow. Not a problem.. except I'm not 100% confident enough. I'm pretty sure I'll pass out at work.

Now what?

---

I don't get much visitors so those who came deserve hall of fame. Mizah Muhammad came on my second day of admission when I was having high grade fever. She came through the door so chirpy with a basket of apples and flower and I would throw my phone at her for being noisy had I not felt so lonely.

Pofin and Akram came and God, I love this Pofin guy. He was so annoying I would throw him out of the window had I have the energy. He stared at my untouched lunch hungrily so I offered him and dude ate my linguini in creamy sauce with the gusto of a famished mountain man. Then he made himself at home, cleaned after himself, studied from my book and then the both of them took me down to Gloria Jean's. Mom gave the go because I needed the change and both said they'll have my back should I fall. (I didn't fall, I cleverly leaned on the wall most of the time).

Kak Rehan brought Ezma with her and we gossiped about Paed staff.

Teacher Midah came telling me about some news regarding my primary school acquaintances.

Kie came during my defervescence phase, just as I was feeling better and we dissed each other a lot like good old times. Yuni then came with Amalina one of our primary school senior.

I was sleeping from Piriton when Fadzlin and Gmah came. I greeted them sleepily and Gmah was postcall so I invited her onto bed with me and we slept together while Fadzlin went for prayers. Haha. The next thing I know Cikgu Na came for a visit, the girls excused themselves and I was hell groggy. After that Kak Rahimah came.

---

I told Paed Chief HO, my wardmates and the Sinetron. And on my third day of admission I posted on FB of my relationship with the overly attached bastard that is the IVD out of boredom and some other people knew from there... and my mom FB posts.

Vicky knew about my condition and followed me up from the moment I left for the airport until I was warded. He's what a brother is made of. I didn't tell the Surgical Team about this. If I tell them, I'd expect them to come visit and if they didn't, I'll get sad. So I didn't.

On Friday night, Luqman messaged me asking if I was still warded. I said yes. He asked KPJ? I said yes. And that's it. I remember thinking his ears are quite late this time around, hurry up come visit me, of course I wanted the team to visit me because I am attached to the team and I am manja like that but nevermind, I shouldn't bother the team like that.

Then the next morning Dr. Norita said I can go home and rest and mom was excited (she's more tired than I am, taking care of me. She expressed the concern for me to get married so to be less of a burden). So I messaged Luqman telling him I'm discharging after Jumaat prayer. He asked if I'm okay. I said I will be.

Truth is. I'm lethargic as hell. I can't walk around without needing to lie down soon after. I eat a few mouthful and felt short of breath. Haha. This is really tiring.

---

I've long know I am reckless and bad at taking care of myself. See coming with compensated shock. I'm lucky I wasn't any later than I already was or I could have gone into refractory shock and die. I'm lucky I got away with hepatitis and just that.

When will I learn.

Mr. Tar the overachiever

Today my consultant introduced me as his MO. I was surprised but I don't think he slipped. True I graduated from his department almost a year ago but remained under his tutelage since, but to be thinking of me as that is sort of pushing it boss. Boss is way ahead of himself, but I am grateful for your confidence. I promise I will submit my abstract before 31st August or die trying.

HKL and the team made my day.

One week before I graduated Ortho, my registrar Poknik left me alone in the OT closing an below knee amputation. Everyone else was surprised but he said "Next week nak habis kan, MO Ortho dah la."

If you go by that logic I guess that makes me an MO Surgical, Medical and Ortho now. Lulz.

TRO dengue

Today is day 2 of illness. Preceded by nearly 1/52 of URTI. Yesterday I've started low grade fever, QID PCM dependent. Woke up every hour with a chill.

Today noted headache, myalgia, loose stool x 1. Still on my time of the month so yeah.

Last meal taken 5pm yesterday. Trying to optimise my fluid intake, calculated about 2.3L per day. Total fluid intake today 1000cc so far. Urine output tak properly chart. Periodically checking my CRT and pulse so far so good but my tongue is coated with dry lips.

Too chicken to take FBC and rapid test now, tunggu balik Kelantan haha... tapi tak tahan la myalgia and fever.

I told Syahmi and Kak Paan. They advice me to stay in crowd. But I'm staying alone at this hotel 10 minutes away from the hospital... Let's pray we survive the night.

On another note, Vicky has been a good bro and look out for me. Luqman asked Vicky where is he taking me and he said Suicide Squad. Luqman nodded and left us alone... not smart bro. Religiously not smart at all. I wouldn't be bothered if there's another person with us.

I miss Omar. Omar would be smarter and more sensitive than this.

Haru in trouble

I'm in trouble. I'm not even in HRPZ but I can't enjoy myself because I'm dreading coming back to HRPZ. I don't want to. I don't want... what should I do?

I thought escaping will alleviate it from my mind, but apparently not. Maybe I just suck at escaping.

Run

Tears pooling. "I don't want to be there."

"You're not there, don't cry. You're not there."

The only thing I like about Paed is the patients.

Other than that, I don't want to be here.

In the morning of Day 3 in Paed

I was busy reviewing new case admitted last night. Need to present in full come round. Then I saw Mr. Tar walking into my ward with his team. I looked up at him and he grinned.

"Ha Atiqah. Seronok la duduk Paeds round dengan ayah."

"Salam Mr. Tar. Taaak." I was flattered he recognised me with a face mask on but as he said that the past two days in Paed flashed through my mind and I felt terrible. I miss anywhere but here. To say I miss Surgery will be a flat out lie and the truth is I miss Ortho. I slammed gently onto the cardiac table. "Saya rindu Ortho."

Luqman walked behind him and gestured me to follow their round. "Join sekali."

"Banyak new case tak review lagi la huh."

"Paediatrician are losers." He taunted me. I turned around automatically and stabbed my pen into his jugular and pulled it out. Blood gushed out. He dropped to the ground clutching his neck.

Just kidding. You cannot kill people in ward. I like Luqman alive than dead, if he dies I'll be bored. The real version is I turned around to stab my pen into his jugular but he had already walked to their patient.

So I went back to my patient. Still there when the team made their way out of the ward. Then Kak Paan grinned to me

"Atiqah, lain kali team round, ikut."

I grinned pitifully but yeah. I'll catch up. In the mean time I have to see to my patient.

---

Edited two days later.

Met up with Luqman. He asked why I looked gelabah masa review patient. I asked him to elaborate but he failed to do so eloquently. I'm not sure what he's getting at, but I know at that time I was running out of time.

Gratitude is doing your best

I was napping in the afternoon when my phone rang and it woke me up. It was a call from Mr. Tarmizi the Paed Surgery Consultant. I blinked and stood up, making sure my GCS was full and fully oriented before I pick up the call. I had experience answering in drowsy state with embarrassing effect.

Mr. Tarmizi asked me where I was.
Told him I was at home.
"Are you not working?"
"I am postcall boss."

"Are you joining the Masterclass in two weeks?"
"InshaAllah I will. I will apply leave once I enter Paediatric the day after tomorrow."

"What about the APSA in October?"
"APSA? Yeah Dr. Vicky mentioned to me about this but I haven't decided yet. What is it exactly?"
"Asean Paed Surgery Association, meeting in Prince Court. If you are joining I will find the sponsorship for the RM400 fee for you."

I hesitated. I haven't think so far as to that yet. Didn't even reply V's message either.

"Not sure Mr. Tar. I haven't spoke to my father about this yet."

"Why? Do you have to ask permission to get sponsorship?" I can picture boss calculative grinning as he said this.
"I haven't ask about going yet hehe."
"If you're aiming for the programme then might as well join the path."
"Okay boss. InshaAllah I'll join. Thank you."
"Okay."

And that's it. Mr. Tar is doing his part as a good mentor and I am one hell of a lucky person. Now I have to do my part; study smart and hard to show my gratitude.

---

Today I went to the clinic to settle my exit Ortho procedure and met Mr. Yusof to thank him and apologise for all my comebacks. The event itself is a blog post worthy so I'll write properly later.

Afterwards I said my thanks to Abelong Fadhil who grinned his usual saying he didn't remember teaching me anything, but I know I remember compartment syndrome management and post spinal op complications because of doing rounds with him, plus he's the first person who praised my skin suturing was pretty and that as hell gave me confidence to practice more suturing under Poknik.

Poknik on the other hand grinned and brushed me off. Haha. Yeah you should see me saying goodbye to him. I strolled into his clinic, held my hand up in a hi and tastelessly said "Hari last saya dalam Ortho ni. Bye. Terima kasih Dr. Nik banyak mengajar dan bersabar dengan saya."

"Takdo lah bersabar mano.. hok ni lagi banyok keno bersabar!" He pointed at Mimi sitting in front of him.

He said we'll see each other again and I may even end up as an Orthopaedic MO one day.

"You're into surgical based, right?"
"I am."

I hesitated as I answered Poknik that. I told him once I would probably end up as an Orthopaedic Surgeon if I am not ear-marked by Mr. Tar. Kak Lin came into his clinic when I said my goodbye and pat my shoulder when Poknik said that and told him

"She's going to become a Paed Surgeon."

You know what. I am going to help him with his research. I may not make it as his colleague in Orthopaedic but I am going to do this, because I want to. This is me showing my gratitude to the department which taught me a hell lot. I learned a lot of skills here in Orthopaedic so much more than when I was in Surgical, probably in part because I am a third poster in Ortho as opposed to being a first poster in Surgery.

The Effect of Trauma on Confidence and Fluency

End of posting assessment with Mr. Rashidee the specialist but the whole team was there as well (biggest mistake I made) so Mr. Yusof the consultant started firing first. Abengoh helpfully (not) suggested Mr. Yusof to viva me renal physiology and calcium metabolism.

"Nak amik exam kan. Saya bagitahu boss deh awak nak amik exam." He whispered.

"Jangan la Dr. Azrul kenapa buat saya macam ni." I seethed trying to whisper in a room full of interrogators.

"Apa dia?" Big boss asked. I immediately looked up smilingly and reassured "Takde pape."

Mr. Yusof grinned. "Soalan pertama. Beruang apa boleh berenang?"

Me thinking semua beruang pun boleh berenang. "Polar bear boleh berenang."

"Okay.. beruang ape boleh terjun?"

"Terjun? Erm."

Mr. Nazir tried to help. "Panda."

Me imagining panda taking a headlong dive from a tree. "Panda boleh terjun?"

"Pandelela laa. Fail dah common question budak ni."

I laughed. Tengah assessment kan of course la I take the questions academically and seriously! "Okay tapi saya faham kenapa dapat jawapan macam tu." 

"Okay soalan lain pulak. Jepun jajah negara kita bila?"

"Oh sheet."

Soalan-soalan seterusnya:
3) Jepun mendarat dekat mana di Malaysia.
4) Nama sebenar Tok Janggut.
5) Tarikh matahari tegak di garisan jadi.
6) Selain garisan jadi ada garisan apa lagi.

7) Riwayat hidup Imam Abu Hanifah.

8) Phases of bone healing.

9) Open fracture classification.
10) Classification of traumatic brain injury.
11) Mangled extremity severity score.
12) Nama penuh AO. (Thenks Poknik, thenks)

Mengharapkan bantuan dari abengoh tapi abengoh busy sengih dan makan nasi takde harapan dah nak jadi lifeline kepada budak helpless ini. Later in the evening I complained to him ni semua salah dia dan Poknik duk panggil saya budak sekolah and he said "terpegun dengar soalan-soalan tadi. Nasib tak tersembur nasi je." 

I'm glad you're happy, heh.

Big bos gave up budak ni tak leh jawab dan suruh balik baca. Budak ni dah stress. Seterusnya soalan assessment yang sebenar dengan Mr. Shidee... alhamdulillah boleh jawab. Mr. Yusof pulak duduk diam dengar jawapan dengan teliti.

Bila Mr. Shidee dah bertanyakan soalan terakhirnya, Mr. Yusof pun sengih kembali dan sambung tanya soalan. "Beza upper dengan lower motor neuron lesion."

Mendengar je suara big boss budak ni terus rasa nak menyumpah dirinya kerana otaknya tetiba kembali stress. Ape dah jawapan dia? Budak ini pun menjawab.

"Jawapan awak ni upper ke lower?"

"Erk." Natang ape dah aku jawab tadi?

"Habis la awak pun dah confuse."

Just extend me boss, or kill me already. Save me from this suffering somebody. Abengoh dari tadi sengih je tak boleh nak tolong.

"Bos, extend dia ni sebulan ke tiga bagi masa nak study Ortho lagi."

I threw abengoh a gasp. Thenks a lot abengoh. I know you like me in the department but don't have to be obvious about it.

"Soalan saya awak boleh jawab tapi soalan Mr. Yusof tak." Mr. Shidee chuckled. Saya stress bos. Stress. Satu soalan tak leh jawab and it went downhill from there. "Saya tahu knowledge awak good." Bos kata. Ye la empat bulan aku kerja dengan mereka, kena ragging masa round dan masa present dekat passover dengan Mr. Anwar..

"So awak nak extend sebulan ke tiga bulan?"

I miss Ortho already, haha

Today is my off day.

Last night Kak Lin invited me to watch the department futsal game. I went there as Kak Lin's plus one. The guys have awesome moves and I was quite envious of that. I need to get back into the game.

And today I was supposed to have my assessment with Mr. Shidee. Haha. In the morning I attended the department CME Knee Instability by our Poknik and had the weekly breakfast afterwards with Poknik, Dr. Iqbal, Abengoh Azrul, Kak Lin, all my favourites. Abengoh then looked at his watch, then at me, then said

"Awak habis next week kan? 15hb."

"Haah." I felt honoured he remembered bwahaha.

"Masuk mana?"

"Paeds."

"Nanti senyum tau. Kesian budak-budak takut."

I laughed. "Hahaha jahat gile."

After that I went to the library as everyone dispersed to go for grand ward round. Abengoh called me from behind.

"Awak off eh?"

"Haah nak gi library study."

He nodded muka macam bangga, wahaha sedar tak aku ni spisis esok exam malam ni baru nak study? "Meh nak tanya-"

"Jangaaaan. Hahaha."

---

At 3pm I went to the clinic for assessment with Amirah. Turned out Mr. Shidee had a meeting with PERKESO.

I needed a few more signature for my logbook so I asked from Dr. Faris who readily signed and complained that I need to complete the logbook more and Abengoh who signed twice then he asked where else do I need. No other questions asked.

I tell you, he's favouring me. On my last day in Ortho I'm gonna point this out to him.

We waited for Mr. Shidee, all the time I hang out with Dr. Faris solving Sudoku on his Note. Mr. Anwar saw us all hunched up and focused and he laughed when it turned out we were solving puzzles. Then Abengoh came and sat next to me, Dr. Lana, Dr. Hari and us discussed Pokemon Go while I solved the last puzzle on my own.

At 4pm the MOs were in a hurry to exit the clinic.

"Kenapa kena keluar sekarang?"

"Sebelum Mr. Anwar tangkap ajak lari naik tangga."

Hahahaha okay this is funny. Yeah it would have been fun climbing stairs with the energetic Mr. Anwar if I didn't sustain spinal shock afterwards. It was intense!

Mr. Shidee was still in the meeting, so I stopped by the door frame for a second to reschedule. He saw me and yeah.. Esok la jadinya. Haha.

On my way out of the clinic, Dr. Annas walked behind me. He called me out.

"Extend."

That's a good idea but "Kalau saya kena extend, lambat la saya jadi MO."

"Takpe."

I laughed. See you tomorrow Dr. Annas.

Mr. Tar forever my big boss

Bertembung Mr. Tarmizi di depan lif. Big bos sengih tengok aku. Aku sengih balik separa cuak bos nak ape nape sengih gitu.

Bos sambil tunjuk arah SOPD, "Atiqah. CME."

Aku angkat gulungan POP di tangan. "Nak pasang backslab patient dulu bos."

"Backslab pulak.."

Dan patik pun masuk lif yang sudah tiba. Bye bos. HO Ortho kena berkhidmat untuk Department Ortho haha.

Thank you for the confidence!

"Tiqah tinggal jahit subcutaneous dan skin deh. Kitorang gi Jumaat deh."

Dr. Kimi laju tengok Poknik sekilas. Aku pun. "Subcut pun? Serious?"

"Ye. Nak habis Ortho dah kan 15hb ni. MO Ortho dah."

"Haah lojik jugak. Beres, tinggal." I said.

Safely closed subcutaneous and skin. Puas hati. Later I needed Dr. Kimi to certify the op note I wrote. Dia terus minta pen nak sign.

"Nak sign je ke, tak nak baca saya tulis apa? Hehe."

Dr. Kimi grinned. "MO dah kan."

"Hahaha."

But he read anyway. Made no comment though haha aku tulis terbaik dah kot.

Edited 7/8/16

Today I asked for Dr. Kimi's signature for my logbook for the BKA I assisted.

"Ni BKA yang awak close haritu?"

"Haah."

"Sign sendiri la. Awak buat kan."

"Bwahaha."

---

Tadi Poknik kata "Ada dua orang je yang tak takut Mr. Zakaria."

"Isteri dia?"

"Atiqah dan Syamimi." I laughed. "Atiqah tak takut pastu firm. Mimi dia tak takut pastu cakap banyak. Penat layan."

Mostly skema, jujur to a fault, kadang2 baik

Logbook aku 3/4 je berisi. Cukup la tu. Minta one last sign from one particular MO for the suturing I did myself. "Satu ni je, thanks."

He signed. Pastu dia belek buku.

"Kosong ni. Nak habis dah kan. Nanti kena extend."

"Saya isi logbook as it is. Dah memang yang ni je saya ada."

"Haa bagus sangat. Orang lain camne? Si Faisal ni berapa percent je memang dia buat?"

MO proceeded to sign and stamp empty spaces in my logbook.

"Doktor sign free-free buku saya? Thank you." I stared in awe.. and then annoyance started to set in. "Ala celah mana saya nak isi detail ni. Saya dah la tak suka isi logbook."

"Saya pun tak suka jugak. Tapi terpaksa."

And he kept signing empty spaces. Sayang gila aku kat MO ni. Tahu la aku budak baik.

Bias at its best

My colleague and I went to menghadap Abengoh Azrul one of our senior MOs for his signature for our logbook. He is known to viva houseman before endorsing his signature, but I was planning to get him sign my logbook for free. One time when the three of us were in the OT, Pofin joked that I broke my spectacle during Surgery posting because I was running after Dr. Helmi for his signature (it was a joke. I broke it running when a patient desaturated.) Dr. Azrul then said "kalau macam tu, meh aku sign buku kau bila-bila" proud at my enthusiasm, though I did tell him Pofin was joking.

I was holding to his words. The first time I got his signature was right before I need to hand in my logbook for Spine Team assessment. I was running late to hand it in but I need one more signature, someone beside Poknik and Rahman, and so I ran to the clinic and plopped down beside Dr. Azrul.

"Dr. Azrul. Saya perlukan tanda tangan please. Satu je. Nak hantar logbook ke Mr. Shuk sekarang. Please."

I was gasping from running. Dr. Azrul looked at me suspiciously.

"Bertenang, tarik nafas."

The signature I needed was for a DFU case I clerked during my tagging period, which was a good three months ago. Haha.

"Dah lambat. Please boss." Like the shameless little sister I am, I call people boss only when I need something from them. Dr. Pije in front of him was laughing at me.

"Bertenang, tarik nafas."

Then he coolly signed my book. I thanked him and ran off to find Mr. Shuk who was in the next room, hahaha. After that I came back to sit beside Dr. Azrul and hang out with him and Dr. Pije.

So today, there he was vivaing Pofin hip dislocation while I periodically interrupt their viva session to point out where I need him to sign on my logbook. Then Pofin and I went for our assessment with our specialist.

Only later did I realise Pofin was the only one he vivaed but it was only my logbook that he signed. I pointed this out to Pofin and all he could say was "tahu takpe. Aku tak dapat sampai sudah. Menciii."

Bwahaha. Indeed Dr. Azrul is a man of his word. I guess I owe a lot of people lunch.

As I'm writing this, I am eating my birthday cake

I like the bitterness of coffee but not that of chocolate. Chocolate has to be sweet. This chocolate cheesecake is not something I will buy again, I will probably always stick to the regular cheesecake with whatever fruity sauce on top.

I suppose my palate is not for bittersweet. But I am partial to bittersweet romance.

I am 26 years and 4 days old today. Mom planned to celebrate my birthday together with two of my younger siblings, so I'm eating cake now before my inner self starts to cry from abandonment. I bought a slice of this and a slice of the all-time favourite chocolate indulgent and asked the cashier to write "live proud" on them. To write "happy birthday" is too petty.

Maybe I'll buy lunch and a whole cake for JRU team on Thursday. I better ask Poknik and Dr. Azrul what they want to eat.

I wish to become more mannered and wiser. To pass my Part 1 if I am inducted to sit for it this September. And to be married before I graduate housemanship.

The Unapologetic Doctor #2

During my call on Sunday, after finishing the night round, I went down to Orthobay to find my friend waiting in front of a young patient sitting up on the bed.

"What's up."

"Need to inspect the wound. Patient wouldn't allow me."

"Let's see." I put on my apron and approached the patient. He was moaning from pain. "Hi I'm Dr. Atiqah. What's your name?"

My friend answered and I laughed at her. "Let the kid speak, I was talking to him."

Kid told me his name while still moaning in pain.

I took short history to distract him. My MO told me this was a case of MVA with laceration wound over the heel but the heel was packed with gauze. We need to inspect it in order to plan what was next.

"I need to inspect your wound kid."

He screamed at me but I didn't even touch him yet. Spoiled brat. I went outside to look for his parents. His dad was there, very cooperative with me and scolded his son for not cooperating for his own sake.

Kid still wouldn't let us inspect the wound. We had plenty patient waiting outside. I offered sedation, got my MO's go ahead, but when I wanted to give it through his IV line kid screamed and pulled his hand away. He was strong for a twelve years old and half hour already wasted on this brat.

"That's it!" I raised my voice over his moaning. "You don't want us to help you, then you sit outside! This is an Emergency Room not for you to do as you please."

I wheeled his bed outside and left him in the hallway. I sorted out two others patients while his parents sorted him out. Only half an hour later did he allowed us to examine him.

Of course I'm everyone's favourite...

Today was EMSA gathering. I got roped in by Abang Nipah aaargh as my dad's namesake I cannot defy him. Anyway I was looking after the registration and updating the Facebook as we commenced.

Nash arrived, saw me at the counter and smiled. As always I was smitten, but then he said

"Dah study ke untuk September?"

I facepalmed. "Kenapa buat saya stresssss."

"Ye la nak exam kan kena la study."

My God. I love this guy but really. Why is everyone talking about exam? #cries

Later Bang Nipah piled on more job for me and handed down his title to Nash because he will soon sit for his Year 2 exam and go for Year 3 which will be tougher on his time. Nash grinned at me and started piling jobs on me as well.

And they got me. Damn they know I can't say no to them.

---

Today updated on Mr. Zaidi's Facebook was him granted the title Dato'. Wow. Just, wow. Mr. Zaidi my surgeon kesayangan, the cute surgeon with "seluar macam nak terlondeh" as dad said haha is now a Dato'. I cannot imagine calling him Dato' Zaidi bwahaha he's too cute for datoship.

Anyway of course I was happy and congratulated him on Facebook. Of course I immediately messaged Gossipmonger Luqman asking what have Mr. Zaidi done to earn that title.

Mr. Zaidi replied me with "Tq future surgeon Dr. Atiqah" and I blushed bwahahahahaha okay now I must study for MRCS. But I'm busy

1) EMSA news x 1 (ala buat la cepat nanti basi)
2) taip balik natang ape tu (important not urgent)
3) study Orthopaedic cepat la nak EOP esok lusa
4) compiling list to buy books
5) project research with Poknik
6) self project blast injury ape citer
7) case summary malrotation in Hirschsprung ni ape citer

But mostly I want to do nothing. Esok aku oncall balik, Orthobay pulak tu, I really want to just sleep tonight.

Atiqah was having a not so happy day so here she is blabbering

Today I was feeling tense. I went through my job passively. I wasn't my jovial menjawab self. I got through half of the morning by reminding myself of Abengoh telling me to "bertenang, tarik nafas" and Nash teeling to "senyum sikit".

After round I went to the hospimart to find something to soothe me down and saw Shikun. I told her I was feeling tense unsure why. Most probably hormonal. I asked her what was in the fridge that could soothe me, something not sweet. She directed me to what she was buying, a lemon flavoured water. I took her advice and went out of the store with straw in my mouth.

In front of the lift I saw Abengoh Azrul as I like to refer to him on social media. Beside him was a houseman. I held my hand up in greeting but my expression remained passive.

"Postcall ke? Jap.. kau bukan postcall." He calculated.

"Tak saya tak postcall." We were oncall together on Saturday. Yesterday he sent me a message that left me speechless, well actually I read his message in between sleeping and has not really double read it let alone answer it with my sharp persona.

My lift arrived and I entered.

I went to get my bag in Dahlia. I was covering periphery patients today and my job was done so I should go help out in the ward. But I didn't feel like doing anything. I told Atik who was doing discharge in the room where I kept my bag of my ethical dilemma and like every other guy, Atik heard me out because he was there and I was blabbering. I checked my message and there was a new patient admitted to Anggerik from clinic. That's mine. I told Atik thanks for listening. He said I should treat him to something as thanks. I took out the KitKat I gathered while cleaning up the ward during my oncall the day before and gave it to him.

I settled my Anggerik patient and went to the clinic to trace his xray myself because round will be at 2.45pm and I don't know if the staff will get the xray in ward by then. If you want things done, do it yourself. On my way out of the deserted clinic, I passed a patient walking in with his wife and overheard what he was saying to his wife. Suddenly a happy Mr. Anwar called me from behind. I turned to address him.

"Did you hear what that patient was saying?"

"He said "datang klinik petang sikit la takde orang"."

Mr. Anwar chuckled. "But he didn't know clinic is closed petang."

Haha ngenak molek bos. I grinned and we went our separate ways. I went back to Anggerik with the xray and left it there before going to the ward for our preop round.

Mr. Sanusi was taking history and the MOs beside me chatted with me.

Dr. Irwan: Atiqah jap lagi awak examine deh.
Me: Eh tak nak.
Dr. Irwan: Full knee examination ye.
Me: Susah. Saya tak reti-reti lagi.
Dr. Ashraf: Awak nak amik Basic Science kan, kena la.
Dr. Irwan: Bukan Basic Science. MRCS ni.
Dr. Ashraf: Ha lagi la kena.

On another day because aku tak reti la aku akan nak buat kalau bos offer, tapi aku takde mood harini, tak boleh nak layan. "Not today doctor." Mane diorang tahu aku nak amik MRCS? Aihh ke habis semua dah tahu? Kuatnya MO gosip.

Dr. Irwan: Okay Sabtu ni awak examine.
Me: Okay Sabtu.

Boss Sanusi asked to start examining there and Dr. Lana suggested to move to the procedure room because we were standing beside the main door of the ward. Dr. Ashraf and Dr. Irwan sniggered beside me.

Dr. Irwan joked: Bos kata examine situ examine je la situ. Ape la Lana ni.
Dr. Ashraf: Boss is always right.
Dr. Irwan: Kan Atiqah? Dr. Hanifah mesti pernah kata camtu kan.

I thought about Surgery and Mr. Zuraimi. "Saya pernah dengar "boss is always right" tapi ayah saya tak pernah kata macam tu dekat saya."

Dr. Ashraf: Ye? Ayah awak pernah oyak gitu ke saya.
Me: Okay nanti saya tanya dia.
Dr. Irwan: Haha jadi menantu Dr. Hanifah dah la.

I don't know what Dr. Irwan meant by that but I don't joke about food and marriage. So I didn't reply him and silently observe Dr. Fakhri examining the patient. Ten minutes later as we were examining the patient, I remembered Saturday I'm off. Wahaha. I chuckled silently.

Round ended and Dr. Lana and I went to Anggerik to see the earlier patient. She was her strict perfectionist self as usual and I took her at face value as usual. She reminded me to inform OT with full knowledge of the patient's history of childhood asthma and told the story of one time some HO did not mention the medical issues of a person going for emergency OT. This sounded familiar. Then she stopped midway and asked

"Saya tak tahu awak atau orang lain, tapi kita ada berapa Atiqah?"

"Dua," I answered curtly.

Actually it was during her oncall day and I knew this case because my name got brought up by that Dayah Anaes. The HO who informed the two problematic cases was in a different team (HOs only inform cases for their respective team) than mine and her name was not even Atiqah, the anaes people heard her name wrong when they received that case. When problem arose they searched for the name of the informing HO and Dayah immediately said in OT "Atiqah? Atiqah yang suka putar belit tu ke?"

That night the HO oncall live updated the story to us and I was flattered she think I was the only Atiqah around, not. She was behaving simple mindedly, not the type of person I'm interested in.

Nevertheless I looked Dr. Lana in the eye as she reminded us of that case. Then she dismissed us and I thanked her. She's not friendly but to me she's not bad. I've heard her been mean to some HOs and because of that I will not be doing any personal favours for her, but professionally I have no problem with her. Imperturbability is something I must master since I am becoming a surgeon.

Then I saw Luqman and for the first time I sighed heavily in front of someone and said what I needed most today.

"Say something uplifting please."

"The cat you ran over is in heaven right now."

I sighed a laugh and cursed him. "Damn you." He was referring to when recently him, Dr. Mustaq and I went to a cafe after work and I ran over a cat while speeding in the city. They laughed to make me feel better of the situation but I remember clearly muttering "stupid brothers of mine."

Anyway death is physiological and I was not affected by that. He said something about he was serious about the poor cat but nevermind I gave up listening to him. Sometimes when I need Luqman to be thoughtful, he never really hit the spot. Why did I think he could read my mind just because I think of him as a brother? So I ditched him without a word and went to finish my work.

Afterwards I needed something to physically calm me down so I head to the hospimart again, mumbling to myself all the way. I stumbled across one smiling Poknik with his backpack on the way heading for his fast round at the ward. I smiled at him.

"Hai."

Yesterday I saw him at the clinic and I hi-ed him as well. I made it a point to always hi Poknik because last Tuesday I was clinic duty in JRU Clinic and I didn't respond to Poknik when he was making comments to me. Afterwards I felt bad.

"Nak pergi mane?" He asked.

"Nak menyejukkan diri."

"Mana?"

"Kedai." I've already walked past him and made hand gestures towards the hospimart. I went inside and bought a bottle of cold water. As usual I left the store with straw in my mouth. I took the lift and passed Poknik talking to some visiting patients in the hallway. I grinned at him with straw in my mouth. Poknik is that type of doctor people will remember.

I went inside the ward and sat on the counter. I like sitting on the counter instead of properly sit on the chair and will usually do so unless someone pointed I was being impolite. Poknik was doing his fast round and after he was done, he taught us how to read a knee xray.

Later I went down to Anggerik before punching out and met Izzah at the praying room. I told her I was tensed the whole day. She said no wonder I was quiet and have not been bothering her life today. I laughed at her. Then she said to listen to Quran recitation since I cannot recite myself.

My eyes teared a bit.

Allah cuma bagi apa yang kita mampu handle je

Attended Ortho patient with recurrent SVT with Medical MOs. Patient non responsive to adenosine x3 so they planned for infusion and taking over the patient, but need to discuss with their cardiologist first.

MO 1: Call dah Dr. Faiz tak dapat.
MO 2: Kena call Dr. Wazi la pulak.
MO 1: Aku takde number Dr. Wazi.
MO 2: Aku pun.
Me: Saya ada number Dr. Wazi.

Maka berlari budak ini cari henset yang simpan kat kaunter sebelum ditanya nape MO Medical takde number boss diorang tapi HO Ortho ada. Tapi sempat terdengar MO 2 tanya "awak jadi macam mana dengan Dr. Wazi?"

Nak mengaku anak murid tapi SVT pun aku dah tak berapa ingat anak murid natang ape.

---

Tengah pasang branula yang tak habis-habis masa Team Onco datang round patient yang banyak songeh masa oncall aku malam tadi. Yati tengah present case.

"Semalam c/o pain dekat boot POP dia."

"Compartment ke?"

Yakk Yati hang present pain for patient on POP terus la mention probability of compartment. Aku pun terus approach diorang.

"Dr. Helmi, saya Atiqah yang oncall dan attend patient ni semalam-"

"Ayah awak Dr. Hanifah kan?" Muka dia excited.

"Hahaha ape kaitan?"

"Saya kenal ayah awak."

"Sebab doktor Kuala Krai sekali kan? Hehe. Btw semalam dia complain pain at heel and discomfort at toes. But no disproportionate pain no pain on passive stretch not tender, and boleh je tidur semalam and all toes okay sebab tu saya tak plan nak bivalve lagi."

---

Gila la oncall wad semalam. Berderet isu start dengan chest pain elok2 after office hour. Terasa legendary pulak dapat venesection dan SVT di wad Orthopaedic, tu la nak sangat terror medical dan surgical ambik kau Tuhan bagi. Fresh post op patient pulak semuanya tak straightforward. Lepas sorang, sorang patient memanggil.

Aku tak tidur langsung malam tadi. Pukul 8.15am lepas mandi terus join the ending of passover, walked in smooth like a boss sambil Dr. Annas sengih tengok aku jalan confident sangat mentang-mentang Mr. Anwar takde. I was glad I went sebab as I predicted, boss tanya pasal kes referral yang aku tengok tu. Kalau aku tak datang passover memang krik krik dah la... and kantoi Atiqah tak datang passover.

The Unapologetic Doctor

One time I had an overly friendly and talkative patient electively admitted for an op scheduled that morning I was reviewing him. He was asking me if I was married yet, why am I not, why am I not in a uniform, those sort of chit chats. I automatically became professionally cold as I review him that morning.

"Last merokok bila?" Taking note that his last smoke documented was yesterday afternoon. Stupid patient. If his operation was cancelled because of his smoking, we lose a time slot that could have been benefiting someone more in need.

"Nak jawapan jujur ke tipu?"

"Mesti la jujur. Ni untuk encik jugak."

"Last saya merokok 12 tengah malam tadi."

"Summbak patient ni." I cursed him loud and clear. He and the patient behind me laughed.

Three weeks to go and I'm missing Ortho already

I'm enjoying my time in Ortho. I get to do a lot of procedures and I'm improving as an operation assistant. Socially I'm chummy with the MOs and part of a great HO team. Most importantly I have a lot of photo evidence of it unlike when I was in Surgery.

The other day I was in Anggerik doing a personal project compiling all our blast injury cases. I sat at the nurse counter going through their census with L sitting across me.

"How do you find Ortho?"

"I'm enjoying it very much."

"You traitor."

"Manade." I'm still taking up Paed Surgery. Don't start merajuk on me just because I enjoy working with my current MOs.

Mr. Tarmizi walked nearby and I greeted him. Luqman then said to Mr. Tar

"Atiqah dah minat Ortho pulak Mr. Tar."

"Heey ikut suka hati." I semi glared him. "Tak la Mr. Tar."

Mr. Tar gave me a look and said "Ada Masterclass Ogos ni. Awak join ye."

He then proceeded to tell me where and to give my IC to Luqman for registration. I told him I'll ask my dad about it.

Mr. Tar continued "Yuran seratus nanti saya bagi."

I grinned. "Seratus? Gaji saya lagi banyak boss."

They laughed. "Dia takpe, tak kahwin lagi." Luqman commented.

Later Luqman told me I'm lucky that Mr. Tar is nurturing me from an early age, "ear-marked" as he said and I have to show gratitude.

I know I'm lucky.

In another news, I asked Dr. Nik for guidance for my first study. He said the person fit to guide me would be Dr. Fadhil as he is busy with studying as a first year Master student. But we threw ideas at each other and he proposed a study pertaining to close fracture reduction. Somehow discussion got dragged to the next day and I think I'm roped into this.

I have a feeling this personal project will have to take a backseat for a while. But I'm only down to three weeks in Ortho.

The best thing for me right now is to study. God, I really hope I'm not inducted into this September exam. I barely studied for it and with tempting offers around... Allahumma sahhilni.

Atiqah the skema reporter

Today during round Dr. Azrul looked through the op notes mumbling out loud

"Nama aku ape dah.."

I know he meant his role in the op as in surgeon, assistant, or whatever. But I stood there with my expressionless face and said

"Nama doktor Azrul Che Daud."

He almost face dropped onto the cardiac table grinning. I smirked. Dr. Pijan laughed. Poknik looked at me and said

"Takpe. Betul doh jawapan awok tu."

"Aku maksudkan aku ni assistant ke atau ape op haritu. Aku scrub nurse sebenarnya. Tapi bagus la ada orang ingat nama aku. Terima kasih."

"Kalau saya save nombor orang tu dalam henset saya, saya save nama penuh."

"Wow." Dr. Pijan sounded impressed amongst Dr. Azrul laughing at my skemaness. It's a habit from my news editor days. I need full names for news. "Nama saya apa?"

I stated his full name. He nodded.

290616 - One day in Ortho round

Dr. Annas was standing in the back chatting with the nurse and he was speaking humbly of himself.

Nurse: Dr. Annas ni merendah diri sangat.
Dr. Annas: Tak la saya tak rendah diri. Saya tinggi, lebih kurang Azrul. Rendah tu yang tu.

I turned around and glared him grinning at me and my vertically challenged self. I tip toed as tall as I can and then gave up.

Me: Never mind, jiwa saya besar.

We laughed bwahahaha.

Me: Apsal entah aku cakap camtu.

Dr. Azrul: Kau ni maaacam adik aku.

Pastu Dr. Azrul suggest aku extend dalam Ortho. I take that as a compliment la kan, you don't want insufferable people as your colleague. But of course I don't want to.

Me: Saya tak nak kena extend. Nanti susah nak amik Master.

Sometimes I think if I'm an MO what would I need and promptly do what occurred in mind. It's called proactive.

I respect my MOs. Especially when I've gone through Medical posting and realise the hard work my MOs have to pour. I really appreciate them and try my best to do my own work so as not to burden them. Naturally I become a nice HO who tries to oblige to my MOs as much as I can.

Like today. Poknik was going around in the ward looking at the board and asking the nurses about the OT list for Hospital Tumpat tomorrow. He couldn't find it so he called Tumpat himself. I felt bad for him that an MO has to do such a thing when there are HOs around, so I looked up to see who was the HO assigned for Tumpat cm. It was Fadzlin.

I remembered her messaging our group saying she's going to the clinic to find patients ticket and it occurred to me she meant the patients for Tumpat OT tomorrow. So while Poknik was on the phone talking to the nurse in Tumpat, I called Fadzlin and confirmed my assumption (she's reliable like that), and yes she had the OT list for tomorrow. While on the phone with her I told Poknik who was on the phone with the nurse that

"Fadzlin HO Tumpat esok. Dia ada OT list. Dia tengah kutip BHT patient for esok."

Done. Poknik is lucky he was assigned one of our most reliable HOs around. I handed him my phone and I went to the record room in our ward to look for one of the OT patient's ticket. And emerged out with the xrays Poknik needed.

---

On another note, I'm too comfortable with Dr. Azrul that I'm boasting unabashedly in front of him.

I needed a countersign for a memo for one of our patient who had been in and out hospital for the last one year for multiple MVAs, surgeries and complications. I went to the clinic and walked down the hallway scanning the room for a potential superior.

Dr. Iqbal is Spine, Dr. Wong is Spine and was in his room flirting with Fadzlin.. lol this girl she was supposed to help out JRU clinic, Dr. Nik sitting with Mr. Rashidee, Dr. Annas with Rahman, Dr. Azrul alone, Mr. Yusof alone, Mr. Nazir alone.. I doubled back and went inside Dr. Azrul's room.

"Salam Dr. Azrul."

"Ha Tiqah nak ape." He grinned.

"Saya nak countersign untuk patient Zahir post THR. Memo untuk kolej dia."

Dr. Azrul read the memo I wrote and it was evident he was impressed.

"Wow kemasnya surat ni. Kau tulis sendiri?"

Damn I was proud. Didn't even bother to hide my smug grin and went all out "Tengok la sape yang tulis."

He boomed out laughing bwahahaha and I think I heard him saying "Kau ni memang macam orang tua" or maybe I was deaf.

I spun around gently in the chair opposite him and mentioned one flaw that was bugging me. "Saya ada silap sikit tulis tu. Akhir sekali saya tulis 'hasten recovery'. Sepatutnya 'hasty' bukan 'hasten'. Tapi dah print."

"Ahh tak payah. Kau ingat semua orang pandai macam kau?" And he countersigned my memo.

I wanted to grin back a "why thank you" but enough ego inflated for a day. I grinned a thanks and went on my merry way.

---

And the day ended with a drama. We were efficient and finished our job by 4pm and waiting to clock out at 5pm. I studied. Then on my way out, I read my messages and turned out we have one new case admitted from clinic walking into the ward at 4.50pm! Anyone would be pissed at the patient. Clinic ended at noon! Between noon and 4.50pm I wondered if the patient fell into a ditch somewhere. Pity my Wad Dahlia colleague but I was in my car already. Meh.

Then I reached home. And guess what. Another patient admitted from clinic walked into ward at 5.40pm. Damn right the Ward Dahlia guys were pissed. Kenapa jadi camni?

And worst was that both patients were admitted from clinic by the same MO and he didn't say a word to us. How could he do that to us? Heads up la.

Okay I'm relaying my colleagues frustration. It was 6 and they were still in the ward. And were holy pissed off at said MO.

Suddenly said MO messaged us in the group. Wah functional rupanya WhatsApp dia. He politely requested for an update of our inpatients, siap panggil kami "adik-adik".

So I asked the guys what now? Nak layan ke tak? The Ward Dahlia people were still angry and refused to oblige to his polite request. "Common sense la, kalau nak tahu update inpatient datang la ward." I don't disagree. Poknik missed the morning round for clinic duty and later in the evening he came to the ward for his quick round, in fact he does this everyday. Poknik is exemplary.

"Kalau Poknik yang minta update?" I gauged them.

"Kalau Poknik minta baru aku layan."

Beres. We decided to silently protest him and not reply anything. You didn't say a word and so shall we. Oh boy HO nowadays...

But I asked my people to update their cases anyway since I was expecting Poknik to intervene later at night once said MO go berserk at us ignoring him.

And I was right. Woah my foreseeing power.

But only Periphery People updated their cases so we still have no updates for him. Haha. Too bad. We did this on purpose and so shall face his wrath or frustration coming morning gallantly as we are.

In the mean time I hope he sleeps well tonight.

HO terhalau MO

Masuk bilik doktor tempat HO selalu melepak. Sofa penuh, I scanned the room and noted semuanya HO except the last person.

"Eh." Nape ada MO sorang, dah la macam serabai.

"Eh." Dr. Pok Nik ehhed me back.

"Hmm." Buat muka takde mood.

"Kenapa? Kecewa ke tak boleh nak mengumpat?"

"Saya baru je nak meluahkan perasaan."

"Nak saya tubik ko?"

"Hmm takpe."

"Okay la saya tubik." With a grin boss left dengan lajunya. Aku baru nak mengadu Mr. Zakaria panggil aku degil harini. Never mind. Aku pun mengadu dekat HO lain.

Good girl

I was walking slowly towards dad's clinic this morning when I heard someone called me from behind.

"Tiq. Tiq."

I turned around and saw bro standing waiting for me in front of Blood Bank's counter. I walked towards him. It was enlightening to think he would call me out when he notices me, because that's not something I would do when I saw him not crossing my path.

He asked where I was going. Told him I'm killing time while waiting for 10am to clock out and I don't want to follow rounds. He invited me to Anggerik. Boss Razin was then in the procedure room attending a patient and bro went with him. I went to one of the patients we operated on last night to see his progress.

Bro later came out of the procedure room and told me "Malam ni. Minum."

"I'll be there bro."

Really, we're all talk. 80% of his invites followed by rainchecks either from him (three quarter of the time) or me and that night was no different. But it's not exactly a bad thing. I don't fancy hanging out with guys unless in large group. Omar made sure I feel bad about this.

Haha... That's one thing good about Omar.

Aku HO semata (hahahahahaha not)

Patient admitted 2pm yesterday. No one traced his blood. I came to work, reviewed him new case first thing in the morning. Traced his blood.

Creat 375, urea 20, potassium 6.9!! Normal 3.5-5.1 kot. Sample not lysed. Dekat ED dah buat VBG, potassium on VBG 6.6 upper limit normal 5 berapa entah. Damn ED and Orthobay people, elderly patient no known medical illness admitted for acute paraplegia sape nak jawab kalau meninggal sebab cardiac arrest?

Aku faham semalam orang oncall busy gilak. Dalam hati menyumpah orang lab pehal tak call doktor hahaha sambil minta maaf dekat kak staff nurse yang belum passover report lagi HO dah minta tolong ECG dan lytic cocktail stat.

All went well. Aku pun sambung review patient lain. 8 lebih MO datang ward for passover and to start round. I casually mentioned to MO yang postcall kes yang dia admit semalam tu potassium 6.9 sample not lysed.

"Potassium 6.9? Awak buat apa?"

"Saya assess patient, ECG stat okay, pastu saya bagi IV lytic cocktail stat. BUSE post lytic cocktail pending."

"Awak tak repeat dulu blood? Awak discuss dengan sape bagi IV lytic cocktail stat?" Nada dia questioning. Aku thiqoh dia penat semalaman jonah.

Tapi aku tergamam. Speechless. Aku lupa diri yang aku ni HO semata (wthell) dan sini bukan Medical. Potassium tinggi camtu pun kena bagitahu MO dulu nak bagi ape. Bwahaha oh God what is this.

Btw potassium post lytic cocktail dia 3.9! Ngehehe.

When you have a teaching MO, you need to study harder and ask him questions

Dr. Nik Abdullah is easily my favourite MO in Orthopaedic. Apart from the fact is an ASU senior who proudly wears his ASU nametag and periodically mention his Egypt days, he teaches a lot and is a responsible registrar who does fast rounds everyday before leaving work.

Sigh. I should study harder and ask him questions.

Anyway, today was funny. I updated my MOs of Anaes plan for intubation later. Dr. Nik turned around sniggering at me while covering his mouth. "Napok doh sapo nok keno bagging hari nih."

I semi glared him with a "Thenks." Five hours later I was bagging.

Dr. Nik came to ward after uneventful intubation by Anaes. Noted me at hard work bagging the poor patient. Another snigger. I semi glared at him from my masked face.

"Thenks."

"Tingga deh Tiqah."

"Bye."

Mr. Raziiiiiiin! #matabentukhati

Was exiting Anggerik when I saw my favourite Paed Surgeon the cutest Mr. Razin. I grinned at him.

"Salam Mr. Razin, ape khabar."

Mr. Razin grinned back. "Wassalam. Bila awak nak balik sini?"

Me while walking, turned around to face boss. "Aaa... setahun lagi!"

Hewhewhew I better go study now!

Kalau nak dokumen buat cara nak dokumen

Mr. Che Wan came for rounds. I readied to present.

"Ha. Macam mana kes kau?"

"Kes saya?" What was he talking about?

"Kes dengan pengarah."

"Hahaha entah. Saya tunggu jugak bila pengarah nak panggil saya."

"Bagus kau ni. Cuma documentation tak lengkap. Kau patut tulis verbally abusive tu dia cakap apa."

"Oh yeah." Aku tak tulis sebab nanti kesian pulak. "Okay saya akan ingat.. next time."

"Lain kali tulis proper. Tapi kalau aku kau jangan la tulis camtu pulak."

Hahahaha.

I'm good at ignoring. The lawyer letter will come when it comes, in the mean time I better study harder

I was ready to present my case. Dr. Irwan stood beside me and I started. "59 years old underlying DM, HPT, ESRD, history of right BKA-"

"Awak tahu awak femes sekarang?"

I paused for a while. I am not that ignorant, but I don't want to acknowledge this either. "Tahu."

"Awak tahu dulu pernah ada HO gaduh dengan dia jugak?"

"Tak." I was curious what happened to that HO, but I wasn't not that curious.

"Kalau gaduh dengan dia, kena beringat sikit."

I stared at my MO. I felt like explaining myself but I was not that excited to discuss about this. Saya bukan gaduh dengan dia sebab saya kenal dia sape. What she did was unacceptable regardless who she is.

"Boleh saya present kes?"

---

Dr. Nik the ASU senior slash my favourite Ortho registrar walked pass me while I was doing discharge and suddenly stopped.

"Awak la yang..." He grinned. "Ke ada orang lain?"

"Saya la."

"Dia memang macam tu. Jangan risau. Awak tak payah rasa down ke-"

"Semua orang ingat saya down ke." I smirked. Dr. Nik is so nice. "Terima kasih sebab risaukan saya."

"Awak dah baca dokumentasi dia?"

"Tak. Dia dokumen kat mana?"

"Awak tak tahu?"

"Perlu ke tahu?"

He grinned.

"Saya rasa doktor lagi tahu kes daripada saya."

Dinner

Someone pat me on the shoulder. Turned around to see one of my favourite Anaes who made me cry over a patient when I was in Medical.

Dr. Zahirah: Atiqah! Awak dah Ortho? Dulu Medical kan?
Me with a grin: Haah.
Dr. Zahirah: Awak hutang saya kan?
Me: Dinner right? Tapi saya takde number doktor.
Dr. Zahirah: Alasan.

#gettingbetteratthisflirtinggame

That time when L was trying to be thoughtful but I laughed at him and called him a 'fanboy'

"Are you okay?"

"What is your definition of okay?"

"Are you alright?"

"What is your definition of alright?"

"Alright is okay."

"I think I am. I sleep well. But I am a bit bothered. They keep coming at me everyday. Show of power.. macam samseng pun ada."

"You know what the song says. What doesn't kill you.."

I laughed. "I edited those words before. What doesn't kill me makes me pissed off."

---

They're telling me to not think about it, but I'm a known case of overthinking. I used to have sleep issues because of it. This time it's eating my waking hour.

Give me tons of work. Idle Ortho is not good.

In which Haru sounded hopeless

My MO was making conversation. Asking where I graduated from, where I'm from, tak puashati when I said I'm a Kelantanese but I don't speak Kelantan much.

"Awak dah kahwin?"

I never like it when a guy asks if I'm married or not.

"Belum."

"Akan?"

My life flashed through that moment as I thought it seemed impossible in this near future. Aku akan kahwin dengan sape? So I answered a short "Tak."

MO sounded surprised. "Tak?"

Then I realised how my answer sounded like. Couldn't have been gayer hahah.

"Eh I mean. Takde la 'akan' tapi bukannya 'tak'. Adeh."

He laughed. "Lucu la awak ni."

Kenapa orang tanya kahwin dah ke? Kenapa tak tanya dah ada plan for Master ke, beli rumah dah ke...

(Haru: Sebab perempuan normal kahwin dulu baru pikir pasal Master, hahaha)

Dad is a consultant so consult him I shall

Last Wednesday some MO from other department yelled over the phone at me and her accusation was dangerous as it questioned my credibility. I decided to document the conversation in the BHT as verbal abuse.

The next day she stormed into the ward demanding to see me after my documentation circulated back to her. I was in the clinic hahaha. Damn relentless woman. My colleagues who were in the ward instead of me told me she questioned them about my background, since she has been yelling at every HOs without anyone making any formal complaint so why is this Atiqah documented her as verbally abusive?

Apparently I'm the one at fault for not tolerating her madness. Haha.

Anyway. Long story short she was beyond pissed and I'm a target now. I think I did the right thing by documenting as such. I will not let abusive people run free on my watch.

Dr. Iqbal told me he has my back on this issue. Miss Maz told me to not worry, though I may not get to be in that particular posting because of this. I almost regret it but what's done is done.

Yesterday after wrapping up at the Orthobay at midnight, L invited me for a cuppa at the stadium. He asked me what's new. I told him I bought a car. He gave me "No. What's new?"

"So you heard. How'd you know?"

So the Surgical Family knows. I wonder what they think of it. Our conversation made me realise friends are people who concur with you and have your back, while brothers are people who may not be on either side, claim to be biased because "I consider you my... ally" but mostly ask you whether you think you did the right thing.

Bro, that is what have been gnawing my mind since the incident.

Luqman thinks it was good someone stood up against her but I shouldn't have documented in the BHT. BHT is for formal legal documentation of patient care. What happened was personal. He thinks I should have lodged an incident report.

I don't want to do that. Report will be brought to higher ups attention and they will investigate thoroughly. If the MO is a Master student it will affect her performance. I just wanted to raise the issue of her attitude.

He said he's not anyone's side. He told me not to be offended. I was nearly offended he asked me not to be offended, since when are we that polite to each other? I'm not a sissy girl please.

I told him Miss told me not to worry and I hold onto her words, though I owe her an apology for giving her headache. He said not to worry about not getting into Anaes posting, in fact he was looking forward to see me in Anaes. And finalised with

"She can't do anything to you. I have a strong feeling about this."

Then the next morning, Wahida was informing OT to Dr. Nik Ariff and know what he said to her?

"Awak la yang terlibat dalam isu haritu kan? Bagitahu Atiqah dia dah tak selamat dah. Satu hospital dah kenal dia."

And Wahida overheard (over the phone) Dr. Ariff talking to another person beside him

"Ala Atiqah, anak Dr. Hanifah. Ayah dia kerja sini. Dia tu tegas sikit."

When Wahida told me that, I grinned. I know he is a nice guy, and it was nice of Dr. Nik to warn me, but why? It could be interpreted as a threat, no? I wondered what he meant by "tak selamat".

Second, I feel like I need to apologise to dad. I've tarnished his name.

The issue was eating me from inside and I felt sick. But it could be because of lack of food and sleep, I did vomited fluid and acid content that morning before Passover. So that evening, after I wake up and had early dinner, I went to dad and said

"I want to consult you on something."

"Apedia?"

I told him about Dr. Nik. He told me so what. People talk.

"Masa papa MO dekat Melaka, papa gaduh dengan Head Department Anaes. Dia ban papa dari masuk OT. Papa argue dengan dia, I don't care who you are this is for patient's care. Tapi bila doktor O&G sendiri request papa masuk OT, papa masuk je la. Nampak head Anaes tu buat dunno je la."

I laughed. Damn no wonder I'm like this. I thought I got this from mom but really, this is dad's gene alright. These people were right to bring dad's name into this matter hahaha.

Never mind all those doubts, just make progress

Some days I'm all hyped, I want to be a surgeon, I will be, where's my book I need to study, hands should not be idle must practice hand knot, what are the latest updates, what tendon is that again?

Other days I'm doubting what should I do with my life, have I really decided what lifestyle I want, am I sure about September exam when what study schedule am I exactly in, we bought a house a car and probably a cat next but when are we getting married, who should I marry, wait do I even have a candidate in mind, why would I get married when I couldn't even wake up in the morning, are we really sure about this Surgery thing?

Those some days are the days I hang out with my brothers.

---

Vicky is leaving for UM end of this month. I should see him and soak all advice before that.

Medical was fun. Exhilarating.

Boss Mat: Patient ni Killip berapa?
Me: Killip II.
Boss Mat: Killip V camne?
Me with a grin: Killip ada sampai empat je boss.
Boss smirked: Nasib baik.

It was my second last oncall in Medical. Dr. Mat Zuki would probably extend me if I fall into his trap haha thank God Dr. Haslina drilled me about MI few minutes before that. I am thus forever indebted to her.

Please pray she is eased in her Masters study and her life. She's in a long distance relationship with her husband. Their first child with him in Perlis and she's with their infant in Pasir Mas.