"I never knew Andro covers animals too now."

Today we had our Andrology & Dermatology viva, each for 10 marks. My group for Andro probably had the most resilient professor in Egypt who vivaed all 15 of us a minimum of 20 minutes each. Two people of other groups went for their viva and the person from ours was still not done yet. The earlier people were apparently asked everything from cover to cover of the Andrology book, haha. It was a challenge waiting.

I was the third last to be vivaed and I went home at 12.20pm. And I thought my long case was long. (I went home that day at 11am plus.)

Roy, Allah bless her, got the hardest question in the entire curriculum. She was asked everything about female infection. Tasnim told me they had this in the department CD but nobody taught us this subject, this is Andro, duh. Quite unfair, but Allah definitely grant Roy great marks for this. She gallantly answered with what she remembered from Gynae.

Meanwhile, Fadzlin the last person in our group to be vivaed got the.. randomest question in the entire curriculum.

"What is a snail?"

She is a very expressive person so I can only imagine she reacted to  the question with an exasperated derp face, hahahah. But this is an MBBCh final exam, one must be serious for marks.

"Snail is an amphibian with a shell on its back," answered Lin the genius student.

"Wrong," the doctor said. "It's an animal that lives on a beach."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha why the beach not the river! Was he referring to Gary? Did he watched Spongebob with his grandkids?

FYI, Egypt doesn't have snails as liberally as we do in Malaysia. That's the first thing I realised when I got here. The only snail I think most urban Cairenes are familiar with are the snails populating the Nile, famous for being the intermediate hosts of schistosoma.

The only snail related to Andrology that I know was "snail-like tract" describing the mucous patches in secondary syphilis. Her subsequent ques was probably the same set of questions I got.

---

I was studying Chest with Jiha just now and she called it a day but it was only 11.30pm so I raised a complaint. She amended.

"I forgot. You continue studying, you're an owl. A highly educated owl."

Opposite me in her room was her mid-body length mirror, and I stared into my reflection scrutinising the huge bags I have underneath my eyes. I even have lines under my eyes, it's so not 24. When I went to exam this morning, I chanced upon akak2 Arab who were immaculately made up, perfect foundation with no sign of sleep deprivation under their eyes. I thought how lucky they were.

But I'm not jealous. Ryuuzaki has bags. Ryuuzaki is cool. I want to be genius and cool like Ryuuzaki.

Pejabat Tanah said so

While waiting for yesterday's clinical exam to start, us Kelantanese were discussing the flood back home. A classmate then asked me, "Why are you so involved? Are you a Kelantanese?"

We sort of had a moment of silence to appreciate the situation before I answered him dryly. "Dude we're batchmates since 6 years. Yes I am."

"How would I know. You don't speak Kelantan."

"No, I don't."

---

The only people in my generation who know I'm a Kelantanese are people from my primary and secondary school, people who met me in Kelantan, and people who know me well. Everyone else thinks I'm from Selangor or KL. They're not wrong.

I don't blame others. I don't even speak Kelantan with my orang kampung. Blame it on Meksu because I took it personally when she said during our first year here that I sounded Siamese, grr. Here in Egypt I speak Kelantan with Nik sometimes out of habit (she's the only one from my secondary school here), with Adakun sometimes because she's my housemate, and with Dhia because the boy doesn't reply me unless I speak English or Kelantan with him. Though really, it's getting disuse atrophy. Probably because I don't eat budu unless I have it served in my nasi kerabu.

But I assure you, I am a Kelantanese. It's where I call home and where I vote. And according to Pejabat Tanah, I am a Kelantanese because I've lived in Kelantan more than ten years (21 years now).

That is my last card to dispute people, but Umair had a big laugh when I used this. Hahah.

Praise my brain

I'm a logical person and at my best I am rational. I highly appreciate brilliance, witty banter, sarcasm and the likes.

So if you want to lie to me, do so in a brilliant way that makes me appreciate the complexity and the intelligence you put into lying. Make me impressed at your elaborate effort and I will laugh at it, you might even be forgiven for attempting to lie in my face. Otherwise I will be homicidal that you are insulting my intelligence by thinking I will fall for such shit.

I'm only asking you to think before you speak. Nothing insult me more than an insult to my intelligence. It's not even that high in the first place so it can't be that hard to fork out the effort.

But of course, honesty is always easier. No need to think about it. Boring, but the best.

Today is not the day good people keep quiet just because they don't have anything good to say

I pity Muhyiddin for using this time of crisis to polish his look with his statement "Najib doesn't have to hurry back, I as the TPM can handle shits". He not only made us lose hope in what little managerial prowess of the ruling party with this blatant show of power struggle during a nationwide flooding crisis, he also made Najib look two times stupider by saying "Najib is a human being, he needs a well deserved holiday" and proved himself as a world-class backstabbing whore.

Najib and his ass (literal and figurative) bared to the world. Even if he comes home with US monetary aid and Apaches, people will forever be sore at him ditching us.

I have always have a problem with the mentality "asalkan Melayu berkuasa". We're few days away from 2015 and should stop judging people by their skin. See for yourself the Malays sendiri yang khianat rakyat Malaysia. Injustice is injustice, fullstop. People are either good or bad and no one is perfect so the choice to make is the lesser of numerous evils. If it was the Kelantan MB going for an umrah during this time of crisis, I would still be skinning him alive.

My rant is not politically motivated. I am just mad we're not doing better than this at the evacuation and help distribution.

This flood crisis management is downright an injustice to the people directly and indirectly affected. And after the flood subside, let a full report especially pre-flood preparatory and risk factors assessment be disclosed and we will skin those who deserve to be skinned. Blow the siren and mobilize all our resources already!

Tomorrow I'm having my Long Case Batnah for 50 marks and today you have me, in tears.

And ends with a cool smile

Today we finished our ECG and Radio exam. Next up is Long Case on Saturday. So tonight Geng Perkasa was at it again.

We went to Dept 23 but no residents were in sight. Proceeded to Dept 24 and asked for a valve case. The resident gave his go and this ammu ushered us in to meet the patient.

51 years old male admitted since 20 days from easy fatigability and dyspnea of 6 months. Scheduled for a mitral valve replacement next week. I was clerking. It really was out of habit to greet and directly pull out my piece of paper and the others should really stop me from doing so. The patient had fun with me, I must say.

"How old are you sir?"
"How old do you want me to be?" With a great big smile and a round of merry laughter from everyone around. He had a large group of family with him. Syaimaa said it didn't help that my reaction to him was amusing.

"Do you have problems anywhere else?"
"Of course I have. I married four!"
"Hahaha no wonder you're admitted with fatigue!"

"How many kids you have?"
"3 by 9."
"Whaaat!" Eyes wide with amazement.
"Just kidding. I have 3 kids." Laughed.

His sister subtly apologized to me for the hard time. "He is a funny guy. He's only married once btw, there's his wife." Damn he reminded me of Jackster whose words I pitifully take seriously. I mean, I was clerking okay. No wonder I felt weird why would a four-times married 51 years old only has 3 kids.

Ps: Conversations above were in Arabic.

We excuse ourselves as the patient wouldn't allow examination because his wife was concerned. We didn't push, it's either yes or no. Despite this being a teaching hospital, most patients come here because they don't have money, not because they actually want to be examined by students. So you have to always be kind and respectful to them. They are our teachers. We only took a look at his CXR showing cardiomegaly from LV, LA, RA and pulmonary dilatation.

---

We discussed the case but it wasn't much considering we didn't do any clinical. So we went back to Dept 23 and chanced upon the resident closing up the resident room. Iskun introduced us and asked if he was going home and if there's anyone replacing him for the night. He said he was going home and there's no one coming after him. I was feeling deflated.

But then he added. "Do you need something?"

And proceeded to bring us to the ward. He was on duty in the CCU and so didn't know what case in the ward, but he went to show us three patients tonight that he picked out on the spot. He auscultated, let each of us auscultate and present our findings before he discussed the findings with us.

The doctor was so awesome and kind and generous and as we walked behind him, Ume turned to Iskun and said "Nanti kau kena jadi doktor baik macam dia jugak."

I interjected. "Kita semua laa kena jadi macam dia!" And yes I want to be handsome like him. Selflessly taking his time to teach us noobs, who is this angel?!

"My name is Waleed. Apa nama kamu?" He asked Iskun back. Whaaaat?!

Apparently he studied in Ukraine and had many Malaysian friends then. He even went to KL for a 5-days vacation months ago. From his accent he wasn't an Egyptian and he is currently doing his MD in Cardiology. Lankier than Iskun, clean-shaven, rusty brown hair.

I patted Ume's back. "Abangah." And smirked. He is one calon I approve of.

He auscultated, let each of us auscultate and present our findings before he discussed the findings with us. He spent time and was patient with us! It was definitely one of our most productive nights in the hospital. We had a patient with aortic click and MR, another with pulmonary hypertension and the third had a TR and a MR. I got the first two wrong (kah2 deaf) and swore to myself to get the third right.

And I didddddddddddd! Imma proud of myself haha and mashaAllah that was the loudest TR I ever heard.

---

"Do you take classes with Dr. Ashraf Zaki?"

"No. Just one of us." We pointed at Pait.

"So you don't take classes with him?" He addressed Iskun who denied. He continued. "You are lazy. They say boys are lazy. Lazier-" he turned to us girls. "Girls are lazy too, but boys are lazier."

Hahahaha omg omg.

---

Ume had a funny moment. She hesitated with her answer so Dr. Waleed told her to be confident.

"It's either there is a murmur or there's no. Either systolic or diastolic."

"But I'm shyyy." I guess you can imagine how Ume said that.

And then at the end of the night, as we parted, Ume asked him where was he from because his accent was not Egyptian.

Dr. Waleed threw a cool smile over his shoulder. "But you said you were shy." He waved and off he went, leaving us bursting into laughter at Ume's blushing face.

---

This is probably the last of Geng Perkasa consisting of me, Ume, Pait, Syaimaa, Wani (she wasn't here tonight) and Iskun. I hope we get good marks, Iskun gets his Mumtaz, and we become responsible and great doctors who will not forget the teamwork we had.

:)

After 6 chapters, finally a review

Tsuru Tsuru to Zara Zara no Aida is a good read. It's very light-hearted, matured despite the mains are middle-schoolers (rekindles me hope in Japanese society), and I like the pace. It's a Seinen and Slice of Life. Not a Shoujo, haha.

I'm always picky when it comes to the heroine and thus limit the manga I read, but Saya-chan really is admirable. She likes reptiles, she approaches the person she likes respectably and their relationship proceed with walking home and talking about random stuffs. That time when Takumi-kun was troubled about something, she sensed it but didn't pester him and I assumed he found peace in simply being with her. The kids are well-brought up and the adults are around. I've read too many mangas hailing friendship but not family, it sucks.

Shoujo can really test my patience. I told a junior I will recommend good Shoujo to him, poor kid (hi Azri) considered Ao Haru Ride as the best Shoujo and I'm like, dude come on mangas are better than that! But I'm having a hard time shortlisting. The ones worth recommending are either Seinen or Josei, haha.

Things not to do in a viva #2

I was so silly today for Batnah viva I have to document it. Apart from that, today's achievements include greeting Dr. Raafat at the car park on my way out of campus. He was walking and talking with this one man and I just stopped in my track and turned to him expectantly waiting to greet him. He was kind enough to turn around for a hello. It was amusing, really.

Second was two legends actually liked a post I shared on FB. This is the legendary Akr*m and Ha*izi we're talking about! I should ask for an autograph. 

Okay, on with the viva.

---

First viva was with Dr. Heba our mother. Her first question was emergency causes of chest pain, which was the lecture she taught when we were fifth years, so I answered fluently as per she taught.

She gave me a smile and she fired another question, and we kept at that rapid pace until she came to this question.

"What is the normal serum level of creatinine?"

"Erk," no no I forgot this one. "Sorry, I don't know the normal."

"It's okay, take time to think. I have been asking too rapidly anyway."

She tried potassium and I answered correctly. She asked me what was the indications for dialysis.

"Serum creat," I grinned in revelation. "Serum creat more than 9 mg/dL..."

"Good. So the normal value is?"

"Less than 9?"

She laughed. I laughed with her because I know I was not wrong but not exactly right either.

"The answer is less than 1. Okay, what else in the body we need it less than 1?"

Oh oh. Did I mention I hate numbers? I mumbled and crossed out substances but she still waited for me. Dr. Heba helpfully supplied "Something in the liver."

"-transaminase, no? Ah, INR."

She laughed again. I laughed too. Cmon, I wasn't wrong :p

"Yes we need it not more than 1," she shook her head, at my silliness perhaps. "But something else."

"Bilirubin," I answered.

"Yes, correct."

So cheeky this girl. Reckless tahap ape main2 MBBCh. Go die la.

---

I was probably high from all the silliness when I vivaed with Dr. Mohamed El Khattib. He taught us in Dept 31 during our fifth year and this year he lectured us Glomerular Diseases. I know he's a merry man.

And his opening question was treatment of status epilepticus. When I realised I forgot about epilepticus but I damn well remember down to the dose for status asthmaticus (old name for severe acute asthma), I shook my head and chuckled.

"Why isn't it asthmaticus?"

It was station Neurology silly. Sir asked Dr. Heba didn't the kids studied epilepticus in the course because no one seemed to be able to answer him. I would have liked to assure him we didn't. I attend my lectures, this wasn't in!

Or did it?

Dr. Heba assured him it was taught. She turned to me and said "Take a breath and answer."

Thank you for the confidence in me, doctor. Dr. Mohamed turned to me and rested his elbows on the table, a pose I took as he was giving me chance to redeem myself. "Patient is convulsing non-stop. What are you going to do?"

I looked up to him with confidence. "General measures. First I will make sure..."

The thing I saw as I answered was my eclampsia note. That was O&G.

---

"Okay now, treatment of bilharziasis."

I stared off for a while, scrolling through my mind. Where is this bilharziasis? Liver? Periportal fibrosis.. They used to use glass syringe to administer the drugs and infect people with HCV instead.

Eh where's the name of the drug? It's not metronidazole, I know. Haru was doing "Aaaaaaaaaaaa" in my head until the doctor cut her short.

"Come on, bilharziasis." The merry sir grinned.

I grinned back helplessly. "The name is not coming out. Ask me something else please." Like typhoid maybe.

"Okay. Fasciola."

We burst out laughing at the same time. Because I was totally screwed hahahahaha.

---

As always, post viva the AJK Akademik will make these forms. I like the template this time, catso catso! Those folks really are racking in pahalas, Allah bless them and their backbones.

Viva is the day after tomorrow and here I am

I am going to go aurora-hunting immediately after the exam but JPA strung us for a 3-weeks clinical attachment at the hospital after the exam, so yeah. Gotta do as the boss says. So I am postponing it after the graduation, but news is the next intake is on 15th March 2015. I am planning to start working by May but who knows when the immediate next intake will be on? We have a program in Malaysia scheduled for April, but with this new announcement.. do I have to run back as soon as I graduate and register for the 15th? Huh.

In conclusion, I am short on time. Once I'm back for good in Malaysia, I don't think I'll be up to anywhere around Europe. Why would I spend 12 hours in-flight? My priorities will shift towards adventure in the East side of the world.

I can't say how my travelling going to be once I start working, but I'll try my best. I will take short vacations to visit relatives or do volunteer works, and hurry become a specialist so that I can go on field work and present papers around the world. But I hope I can make it to Japan in August for the summer rock festival. Maybe 2015 (maybe not) or 2016 once stabled or 2017 after I completed my HO.

When are you gonna settle down?
I can't with just a HO title to my name. Need to be more respectable only then I'd feel proud to stand next to him.
You aim too high laa try lower.
Why should I settle for lower?
You're gonna die a spinster.
Let's formally register for organ donation before that.

Time, huh. I can't believe I am already in the "have money and energy but no time" phase of life. Today I felt like a Kenzo sweater might make me happier than travelling somewhere.

Don't sweat it. I'm writing things down to rid it off my mind. I plan all these things with inconclusive possibility of executing them. It's always more possible death comes before any of these, hehe.

---

Next exam is Monday, Batnah viva (that's Internal Medicine in Arabic) for 20 marks. All these years I will say "I'd rather sit another written exam than go for a viva" but the written MBBCh was that hard I am not even going to joke about sitting for it in place for anything.

Please pray I don't embarrass myself in front of the doctor and a fullmark, please please?

Always on the receiving end and not contributing back is shameful

A friend asked me about my graduation plan. When I told her my family is coming, she asked me whether I will go back to Malaysia for good together with them.

My answer shot out immediately with a frown. "No way! There's still so much to do here!" 

She chuckled and said she would. I didn't comment because I know she was the dependent type of people. But God, shameless.

---

The most important thing to do as a Kasr el Ainy graduate before I go back for good is to make sure the official documents I need for my registration for work in Malaysia are completed by then and tie up every batch projects we have. Usually the documents are settled by few representatives from the batch and I know there are people in my batch who are selfless and will organise and make things easier for everyone else.

(Ps: Mind you, I am talking in context of a Kasr el Ainy graduate, not inclusive of other posts each of us may hold in Egypt.)

But for how long are we going to keep imposing on them like that? They don't owe us that, they're not getting paid, they do what they do out of sincerity and may Allah protect them and bless them endlessly. They grow their interpersonal skills and mature their character as a contributing member of the society, but what about us in the receiving end?

To go about my own personal pleasure pursuit and to keep relying on them feels too irresponsible for me. We're soon to be doctors already, how long are we going to be accepting instead of contributing? As I accept people's kindness, I ask myself what kindness have I done or can do for them. They contributed to our batch and I benefitted, but what have I done to contribute to the batch and benefit others back?

The worst thing is that it's always the same old people who handle these things and you have to admit, this problem is more prominent with the males. I feel ashamed of myself everytime that happened. For God sake, we have around 40 guys and 60 girls in our batch!

We have projects apart from settling the official documents, namely The Yearbook and The Graduation Dinner and I'm sure there are other loose ends I am unaware of. Let's do our best together.

On second thought, they're not playthings, aren't they?

I like kids a lot. The second thing to that that I like is rough-housing them. And for that reason, I like tougher kids better. With fragile-looking kids especially girly girls, I will just smile from afar and gently pinch their cheeks because they're too fragile for anything else.

And because of that, I hope to have two boys of my own. And maybe a girl. Even then I hope she will turn out smart and independent and not an emotional wreck.

So when Umair said they will be babysitting Huda this morning while Anah and Hilmi settle their visas, I didn't think too much about it. Huda has a small build and she very much doesn't enjoy being wrestled. I made her cry the last time I saw her.

But do you know what I ended up doing all morning? I played with her hair and always reached for the comb to keep her hair in place. I cleaned up after her (and those sloths for girls) and ate all the food she didn't finish (you know how babies like to eat one bite of everything. Huda thankfully left 1/5). I watched Upin Ipin with her (the other questioned why I was engrossed watching cartoons) and will patiently call her to sit farther away from the TV and reward her with a "good girl" when she does. Or I get up and gently carry her away myself, making sure she could still see the TV despite the movement. I asked questions about her upbringing, her diets..

The only time I think I bullied her was when I clamped her down between my legs so she wouldn't squirm so much when I tie her hair, and it was only for a second! I quickly released her and we put her for her afternoon nap.

So now I suppose I do want a girl. I'll grow her hair out and do all those cute braids and stuffs. And I'll be a mom who carries a comb in her pocket. Doing people's hair is oddly therapeutic.

Jinx

Yesterday was 17th December 2014, a Wednesday. We finished all our final written papers and awaiting are vivas. Umair invited me over for a movie night and that dusk, I picked my Neurology book and packed my Kipling sling bag for a sleepover.

And then I hesitated.

18th December 2013, a Wednesday. My housemates had just finished all their written papers and three of them (Kak Milah, Kak Teha and Kak Amal) went out that night for a sleepover at their friend's. That night, a fire started in Kak Amal's room. I ran off that night with said Kipling bag and my Neurology book.

The similarities were too much. Maybe I should stay at home and keep an eye on things, make sure the apartment won't catch fire this time.

But it was superstitious and I refused to believe I carry with me a jinx of any sort. If I stay at home because of this, it will belittle all faith I have in Allah as the One and Only God. But if I do go out..

The anxiety was too much. PTSD is not something to take lightly.

Stop being anxious and just control what you can control. So I sorted out my room and pulled out every single electrical plugs especially the heater. Before I exit my room, I took a good look at my belongings. My important documents were safe. If a fire really happened and all my books burned together, I won't sweat it and I will buy new books. I grabbed my Note that I usually leave behind when I go out and put it in my bag, because it contained all my books in PDF. I looked at my backpack stashed in the corner and decided I'm okay even if this one caught fire.

My favourite mugs (a mediaPERU*ATAN from Bapis and an heirloom from Kak Bid) were on my table and I thought if a fire started in my room, they'll be safer in the kitchen washed and dried. So I carried them out and exited my room. My housemate walked pass me and sent her regards to the girls at Umair's. I stopped in my track and in a totally out-of-character fashion, I told her grimly

"Watch over the house. If anything happens, please call me immediately."

Usually, I will vaguely tell my housemates where I'm going and most of the time it's a "bye I'm out" without elaboration. And I don't announce if I'm not coming back that night. The reason why people know where I was going yesterday was because Umair publicly invited me on FB post. So it was not a surprise when my housemate followed me to the kitchen and pestered just as grimly.

"Why did you say that? What's going on?"

"Nothing," I was washing the mugs. "Just call me."

"Tell me. Did something happened last night?"

She looked spooked. And then I realised she probably thought I was referring to some unexplained paranormal-ish bouts of activity we thought were going on.

So I smiled softly and told her what was bothering me. She looked relieved but not exactly, and told me everything will be fine.

That night was the one night I periodically checked my phone.

Haru is a dude

There's something I need to work on.

This evening I met Heba and talked to her. She seemed to have grown even taller than the last time we met and I felt guilty how I thought she was like a giraffe when she had to stoop so low to brush cheeks with me. Anyway that's not my point.

Heba was talking bullet fast in English and I barely answered back. And I'm not sure what the problem was.

(a) Language. I write better in English than I can in my own mother tongue and I even think in English. But in real life I speak fluently in Malay way better than I can in English.

(b) Interpersonal. Because I haven't seen her in a very long time and I don't really know her that well personally, I went into neutral mode. That translates to being more agreeable and less sharing my opinions, thus the setback.

(c) Gender issue. She chatted about her living arrangement and I was more listening than I was commenting. She was being a normal girl while I.. I think I behaved more like a dude then. Is this bad or is this not bad? I took a quiz recently and it said I think 100% like a guy.

But I'm a healthy straight female!

If it's (a), this means I need a real living person next to me and just speak my mind. Haru, materialise now kudasai!

If it's (b), then I need a better social protocol otherwise risk bore people out. Diplomats like Khadijah and Roy have an admirable personality, but I know I can never be that (cunningly) good with people. I'm a Choleric, not Sanguine by default. I'll learn though.. It'd be like Sasuke learning from Naruto how not to be an ice cube.

If it's (c), then I'm doomed.. Maybe I need to ask how the girls think of me in this context. Other than that, I don't know what to do. Truthfully in general, I find girls annoying. I kind of like being a girl who thinks like a guy.

But actually, Haru is a girl. And you know how stupid girls get when they go into shoujo mode.

It can't be helped that I like CNBLUE's music so much that I'm starting to pay attention to the members, and this is the trigger for this second half of this rant. I've been hooked on CNBLUE to the point reality seemed blurred. But I have repented and learnt my lesson from this episode. Let me share it here, not exactly in a particular order:

(1) When you feel, justify. Scrutinise until you can't break it down anymore, until there is no doubt that you are feeling what you are feeling. If you like something, ask yourself which part of it you like. Ask yourself why you like it. Don't settle for bullshit like "I don't know. Love is blind" because you will be blinded.

(2) Don't confuse an idea for the real deal. A clear example is how I love the idea of eating keropok right now, but to get up and fry some and the calories... so leceh. You get the idea, right?

(3) Don't start what you can't envision how it will end well. Don't entertain the idea of someone if you can't see the possibility of marrying him. Don't confess I love you but then do nothing proactive. It hurts them and it hurts you. If you have to let go, might as well don't even start.

But this point is clearly debatable.

A: How would you know the end of something you didn't even start? How guaranteed is that the protocols you came up with will be? This itself is an idea, not the real deal.
H: We will discuss this later.
A: You're a coward.
H: I like that song, I must be one.

(4) There is more to life than romantic love. This is probably the most important lesson I learned. People say youth is the time to experience love, but bear in mind love has many shades. Don't hung all your hope on romantic love. Experience life, it is short!

(5) I do, indeed, am attracted to another me. Which is a tiresome trap. I would date myself if I want to settle for a great spouse who will accept me as I am, but I want an extraordinary spouse who makes me want to be a better me.

(6) People's personal is not my business. Don't make it a habit.

Resuscitation is in the form of looping The Vamps and staying off CNBLUE for a while. Ah, I'm missing them already.

It was fun

Two days ago I went out half an hour before Maghrib to buy fresh chicken. I chose the bird and waited outside the shop as the guy cleaned up and cut the bird. The grocer opposite was open and people came and went (eh is this right?) and there were two elders sitting in front of the closed fish shop beside it.

I just stood there, a girl standing alone amidst puddles of suspicious origin (chicken water perhaps, urgh) with her hands in her grey sweater pocket. I still needed to buy pasta and vegetables from the same alley, but I only had LE100 with me and they probably had no change, so it was wiser to pay for the chicken first. It was awkward with a total of nearly seven Arab guys around me, but what else to do but wait for my chicken?

I noticed a girl, about five years old wearing pink-grey sweater suit, playing football by herself in the same alley. She kicked the ball slowly and talked loudly to herself. The ball got away, she walked down to the ball passing behind me, and while still talking to herself, she steadied the ball where it was and kicked it away.

She walked back to the ball and kicked it again in my direction. It stopped near me and my right foot automatically recognised a ball as what it is; something legit to be kicked. I myself was wearing jeans and my Arsenal jersey, black headscarf and maroon Converse. Football appropriate. I steadied the ball with my right foot and the girl stood where she was, waiting expectantly. My hands still in my pocket and I coolly kicked the ball towards her. Then I turned back to face the chicken shop, but I was still eying her from the corner of my eyes.

The ball reached her. She looked up at me briefly and kicked the ball. I took the cue and catched the pass. Steadied the ball and waited as the girl walked farther away. She turned around to face me and said something, more to herself than to me. I kicked the ball back to her and wondered what kind of picture this made; a self-minding little girl (I had a good mind to go full-blown Child Psychiatry on her) and an awkward foreigner in a narrow puddled alley, kicking a tattered ball back and forth.

The uncle who usually work the meat slicer smiled at me approvingly.

Oh what the hell, let's forget the chicken and just play ball in this alley. They'll call me when it's done.

We passed the ball back and forth and the girl kept going farther and farther away, forcing me to kick the ball harder to make the long pass. Once I missed and hit the chair the elder was sitting on with a bang. "Aaah ma3alish!" I automatically bowed and my hands shot out from my pockets in an apology gesture. The other elder laughed at me, but he simply pushed the ball with his leg back at me and the game continued. Another time I kicked the ball underneath one of the veggie crates, and the girl had to reach down to retrieve it.

Urgh, I'm out of practice. The last time we played futsal properly was Paediatric!

The meat-slicing uncle stood near me as I waited for the girl to pass me the ball. "Here we call it qurrah," he said. "What do you call it?"

"We call it bola, sir." I answered, playing the diplomatic Malaysian.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw that my chicken was done. I went back inside the store and paid for it. I stepped back out and customarily thanked the uncle.

"What's your name?" He asked kindly.

I frequented the shop a lot of times in my six years here (my previous apartment, the one that caught fire, was in fact above the grocer opposite this chicken shop), but only now did I make an impression enough to be asked by name from this local. I grinned proudly.

"My name is Hana," I pronounced it with the proper Tajwid instead of giving out the easier Nur, a name I find too Malay-generic and reserved for the random Arabs. "What's your name sir?"

"My name is Zenhoum," he smiled back.

"Nice to meet you Amm Zenhoum. See you around."

And I went to buy my pasta and vegetables, leaving the girl to play by herself.

Mar3ee Triad

Budak Arab suka buat lawak. Tahun lepas post paper 1 Surgery diorang nganjingkan qisim "crystal clear" sebab kata soalan crystal clear sekali soalan impossiburu.

Kali ni, I said what I said, happened what happened, but lawak is still lawak so I'm sharing the Mar3ee Triad and Pentad the clinical picture of the currently popular disease.

Ps: Dr. Saeed Mar3ee is the HOD who headed the que-making.

Exam haritu, baru tulis seperenggan dah sakit tangan. I had to drop my pen, shake my wrist and stretch the whole arm forward. Banyak kali bukan sekali tu je. Never occurred to me to do upper limb warming exercises before an exam. It must be the cumulative stress from writing too fast too many while studying or I hadn't dribble since a very long time...

If you look up the lyric translation of Can't Stop, you'll understand what I'm saying

Just now housemate came into my room, smiling cheerfully, clad in her going-out pieces. I looked at her expressionless, sorry I was sleepy.

"Hana Hana, I want to show you something. But don't get mad," she grinned with her phone in her hand.

"What." I said expressionless. Urgh today I was really lethargic. Even mom's post on my wall "CNBLUE has arrived home" made me super happy inside but on the outside all I could manage was a small smile.

She showed me her phone and I immediately spotted Dr. Hussein in the center of the picture, looking content, flanked by said housemate and two other friends.

I looked up to see housemate grinning proudly.

"We took this picture and I thought of you."

It was obvious the picture was freshly taken today. "What did you guys go to campus for?"

"We went to visit (insert friend's name)."

"Oh."

I think she could tell I was sleepy and my reaction was not the normal reaction an Hana will throw at the sight of Dr. Hussein. She left my room. And I returned to my Surgery book.

Normally I would throw a "whaaat no fair I want to meet him too!" and I do feel so. They met him outside school hour so they probably got to talk to him, which doubled my jealousy. But more importantly, I was jealous they went to visit our friend. I guess they went when I was asleep.

Despite the multitude of jumbled feelings, on the outside I was still today's scruffy (I would have stubbles if I could grow a beard), messy top-knotted haired girl in an oversized scrub, staring at my book like esophagus rang any bell.

It's either my jealousy has been tamed, or I felt unthreatened due to already have a personal picture with him (oh should I post it here?) or possibly the happy effect of mom's caption still lingered.

Right now, I'm thinking of Yonghwa-sama crooning "miss you~" in the opening line of Can't Stop.

---

She shared the picture in our usrah WhatsApp group and I got a closer look of Dr. Hussein.

"Ah. He smiled." I said. A rare one.

"Because as I was taking the picture, I said "1, 2, 3, smile."" She replied. She later told me she remembered me saying Dr. Hussein very rarely smile for the camera as she snapped that picture.

"I will crop that smiling face." I replied with a blow-kisses face.

6 years don't change a sloth

So Surgery paper 1 was today. I was hoping Dr. Hussein would come visit us in the hall to cheer us up, but he didn't. Maybe because he felt he lost the privilege since he is no longer the dean or perhaps he's busy. I think he's busy. We love him and will always be welcoming and he knows that.

Back to the exam. It had a reputation of being a killer and I really was scared of the paper. It didn't help that I like Surgery more than I like Batnah plus the so many good memories I have of our Surgery classes, I really want to do well. Except I was, am, and probably will always be lazy. Ah, excuses.

I played out a lot of scenarios for the outcome of the exam. Will I walk out in tears? Will I be reminded of my Biochem first year viva where I so much wanted to throw myself into the Nile? Will I be singing CNBLUE's I Don't Know Why, I'm Sorry or Can't Stop after the exam?

Engku sitting on my right asked me as we waited for the exam to start. "What to do if you can't answer a question?"

"I will answer it with something else I know. If the question asks anatomy of some artery I forgot, I will write in the answer sheet anatomy of another artery I remember better."

He nodded.

That was my last desperate card for the day's exam. My principle is to never leave the paper blank. I don't want to disappoint the doctor thinking that his student knows nothing, because I do know something. It just happens to not be the one you were asking, can't be helped.

To be fair, I never purposely change the question in a written exam. But I did misread rabies as tetanus during my third year finals and diligently wrote down every single prophylaxis shit on that matter. It was at the end of answering that que after cursing such a long answer for only 4 marks before I realised I read the question wrong. But there's no way I'm changing my answer at that point. Ain't got no time for that, ain't got no ink for that, ain't got no space for that.

---

I received the question paper and read all the questions. First time in my exam life I read with a serious face, sitting straight up, ready to receive my punishment. There were some question on topics I completely forgot to study for (ingrown toe nail among others) but I decided to not give up and to attempt all questions.

Gave a small smile and started answering.

---

In the middle of the exam I was jolted up because I thought Dr. Raafat came to visit the hall. I nearly shot up from my seat turning to see who was at the door. It turned out to be Dr. Yahya Safwat. He's a soft-spoken nice chap despite his sharp gaze who taught us Burn lecture (I wrote a post on it, I'll link later) and vivaed my end round Surgery exam.

I like him, I want to grow handsome like him.

---

After the exam, I saw Ume venting to Pait how the exam was hard and all so I came near her.

"Hi Ume."

She ignored me and went on venting. I stood there for a while but she still ignored me so I got bored. I headbutted her arm and then walked away.

Outside the exam hall, I greeted a few friends, patted Syak's big baby bump ("Pray for me Syak. You sit for the exam with two brains you are sure to graduate with a mumtaz." "But the baby's brain isn't helping!") and saw Ume again.

"Hi Ume."

She glanced at me unamused. I headbutted her chest and walked away.

"Woi!"

Times like this I don't mind being shorter. Hahah.

Can't stop me now~

People like to gossip, don't they. Plus I like to fan fire sometimes and be the badass I am. Consider this my press statement.

I'm only romantically interested in this 40-something guy with a scar on his left chin but it's impossible for us. So I was thinking perhaps I will die young before I learn what true romantic love is.

If the above paragraph makes no sense to you, take this one. I'm gay.

---

In another note, I immortalise people :)

Buaya over flowers

I need to take my mind off my frustration with my progress in studying Surgery. Earlier today I heard a cover version of The Beatles - Yesterday and the opening described my condition. "Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay."

So please allow me this post. Thanks.

---

Earlier my housemate received a bouquet of flowers from her adik usrah and I thought how girls have been marketed as love to receive flowers. Romantic equals flower.

I'm not into flowers but I can't really vouch for that, it's not like I have ever received flowers romantically. And I can't imagine receiving flowers in that manner since the type I like doesn't give out flowers freely, haha (JH!). But I appreciated people giving me flowers in the past. Pipah my then-roommate gave me a rose from her birthday bouquet and I diligently changed its water until it die.

I looked to my roommate's table and stared at the bouquet of carnation in a jar of water. It's blue and yellow and did light up the table. I turned to mine and there's Akagi the gorilla and Buaya the croc Nici on my board.

I came to the conclusion that I like animals and trees better than flowers. In fact I bought two books on tree and leaves. I would definitely appreciate potted plants more than bouquet of flowers. Cherry tomatoes! 

Speaking of potted plants, Zetsu the aloe vera Kak Milah left me as a heirloom is withering day by day. I last watered it a week ago and it appeared cachexic. Before that it was probably months ago... sorry Zetsu-kun. 

He's sitting in the balcony that's why! I need to put him on my table.

"When people disappear, there is no contact."

Take a shower.
Pack your bag in case you don't come back.
Go out.
Walk briskly, let's go somewhere with less people.
Walk and just feel the wind.
Zip the sweater up.
Walk.. until sweat trickles down.
Walk until you're done.

Walk back.
Should I buy bread?
No, we should stop eating.
Oh, it's Jonghyun's My Love.
I don't want to go back yet.
Let's stop for juice.
He's still singing.
Let's take the other route.
This song is sweet. It suits him but not CNBLUE.
The band hardly play that song, I think.

Song ends.
Arrives home.

Should I go up?
Where else would you go?
Somewhere with stars.
It's too windy this time of the year and we left the inhaler.
Okay.
Let's study.

Guitar Freak

CNBLUE has 4 members as all know. All four have their own Twitter account (all except Yonghwa-sama are on Instag) and their handle are as follow:

@JYHeffect
@MentalShin (@leejungshin91 on Instag)
@MR_KANGGUN
@cnbluegt

The first three handles at first glance reflect the owner individually except for the last one. It's Jonghyun's. The first time I saw it, it kept me puzzled what gt stands for. Why not jh? The closest gt I could think of was Son Goten (haha) but Minhyuk-kun is the otaku among them, not Jonghyun.

Until I came across FT Island's guitarist's account (Jonghoon) by accident. His Twitter handle was @FtGtJH. Ft was of course a nod to his band. JH was his initials and there's that Gt again.

And it clicked. Gt stood for guitar(ist).

Haru: That's like the default handle for the band's guitarist. So what? If CNBLUE changes guitarist, is Jonghyun going to give up the handle?

Me: No.. It means he's CNBLUE's guitarist for good.

You can see Yonghwa-sama's world domination aim from his handle (the effect part dude. With his talent and mindset, he really is going to go far.). You can see Jungshin's playfulness from his. You can see Minhyuk's nice-guy personality from his.

But Jonghyun's.. It was like a pledge to be CNBLUE's guitarist for the rest of his life. It's like Lee Jonghyun equals CNBLUE's guitarist, that being the band's guitarist was the definition of his existence (lol this is too much, probably just his social media account).

That guitar freak. And such admirable loyalty. He really love the guys like his family in his subtle macho way.

---

Psychiatry paper is over. I should be analysing Surgery instead of this, or the political play in Kasr el Ainy.

One term is three years

I didn't write that we got a new dean last week. His name is Dr. Fathy Khodair, 25th November 2014, the day after our Batnah Paper 3 (MCQ). No wonder I didn't see Dr. Hussein doing his round in the exam hall.. 

I forgot when Dr. Hussein took office but it was three years ago. Us Gen08 have lived through three deans; the first was a shadow of a name who we never met, second Dr. Hussein who opened his dean door for us faculty family and the third is Dr. Fathy.

Good luck sir. And well done Dr. Hussein, we are eternally grateful of you.

We also are getting a new JPA officer since Ustaz Zikril is leaving Egypt for good this 16th. He reported for duty on 19th December 2011. Nearly a whole three years. He is the second JPA officer ever sent to Egypt, the first officer was Encik Hazam. He visited us in INTEC and flew to Egypt before any of us and handled the students during the 2011 Mubarak-ousting revolution. Very high respect for this person. And Ustaz Zikril was second, he really took care of us. Even his sons are well behaved and brought up with proper Islamic core values.

All the best ustaz. Thank you for everything, for coming to our burnt apartment that same night with your whole family, for inviting us for Raya at your place and for everything. I'm sorry for bullying Wafi your youngest. Good luck, get a raise and may Allah place you at the best placement possible.

---

They didn't wait for our graduation this February. Ustaz Zikril said he will try if he could but in case he couldn't, he wished us congratulations in advance and will pray for us from afar. Haha. There was a Sesi Ustaz Zikril Raikan Kami Makan Nasi Lemak earlier this morning that I took notes on his speech. I'll post about it later.

Dr. Hussein will definitely come. We love him down to our bone medulla, down to last nucleus, he has to come.

Here I present you his last emails to the official school mailing. No more looking forward to his emails again...

Dr. Hussein's last official email. 

Argh damn now I remember he was supposed to write us a speech for the yearbook! I'll reask him again post exam.

The email announcing the new dean.

Dr. Hussein's wishing us for the exam. It was one of the best booster speech I ever received. "We wait for you as doctors in the near future" ahhh the feels! 

Man my speech has been internet-slanged. Damn Americans.

There's also his Eid wishes that I held dear. I'll post it up later as well. Haru don't forget.

LubDub made a meme. Man I'm missing his no-smile-for-the-camera face.

Don't push it

Calm down. I really shouldn't blog emotional. It gets nothing done.

Breathe deeply. Okay. It's okay. As long as everyone is happy and very happy. Pining is moot. Everything is in your head and don't confuse it with reality. No no, do not quote Dumbledore. You wish for it because you know it has near to nil chance of becoming reality. You know it, so breathe deeply and say

As long as he's really happy.

Close your eyes and breathe. Okay. Take as many moments you need to accept that.

You know, you shouldn't like too much if you can't handle jealousy too well.

Duck

Housemate asked me to buy Helwani Bros hotdog from the grocer ("What do I say?" "Hotdog.") but he ran out. So I stepped into the next-door frozen food shop. The following conversation was in Arabic.

Me: Assalamualaikum. Do you have hotdog?
Miss storekeeper: Hotdog? What is that?

Frankfurter? Cmon don't get into nominal aphasia now.

Me: It's like kuftah but it's not kuftah.
Miss: Suguk?
Me: (grinned) It's like suguk but it's not suguk.
Miss: You mean susij?
Me: (grinned wider) Yeah susij! That's it.
Miss: Yes we have...

It's been six years. Still a duck in this world of sheep.

God saves us

Today Mubarak was acquitted. Not surprising and totally expected since the day Prez Morsi was overthrew. Well-played, Mubarak. Damn dude even took a selfie and had the nerve to praise God for his acquittal, I felt so insulted.

---

The result made me remember one of my professor who was a total slut to Sisi and the military. Out of nowhere in our first 10 minutes in class with him, he dissed Ikhwan as satanic and inhumane as possibly could and praised Sisi endlessly. He was downright worshipping that guy "for getting rid of the Ikhwan from Egypt."

It was unnerving, really. First he was talking about the importance of manners and following the Prophet's sunnah then suddenly he dissed with so much hatred; so much it was like a wrecking ball to my face who happened to be sitting right in front of him. I was silent the whole class.

I don't know which part of understanding manners and sunnah allow anyone to diss so liberally. The Prophet never teach us that. Dr. Shen who opposes tyranny never let his hatred for any individual shows during class.

Apparently he was a doctor at one of the main military hospital and saved a lot of military personnels' family lives. Good for him. He had them wrapped around his pinky.

"I can call them to arrest you anytime," he announced smugly. I was sure none of us was impressed.

His lecture was good. I understood a lot about managing diaphragmatic hernia from him. But needless to say his hatred and bigotry made me lose most of the respect I had for him. I intentionally skipped our next class with him because I wanted to preserve that little remaining respect I have for a professor.

I wonder what he thinks of the acquittal. Probably be singing joyously.

---

I was also reminded on something our Surgery Grandpa said in one of his classes, on a day there was a disturbed demostration on campus, the fated 9th April 2014. He said how the whole ruckus wasn't a religious affair, it was political.

The Ikhwan are Muslims, the military are Muslims as well, he said. He remarked how it was all a play on strategy for Ikhwan and that Ikhwan should be laying low and start all over instead of gathering demonstrans day after day. He said the demonstrations were nothing but a nuisance.

---

But I disagree. If there is no demonstrations, people will forget. I walk in the street day by day seeing people admiring Sisi and the junta like thousands weren't massacred in Rabia. Like all is well but the truth is injustice prevails. Life goes on and unsightly things are hidden. If I don't have internet, I bet I will forget. These things need to be circulated, people have to speak up first to be heard.

I talk to Sisi-lovers and they approve of him because "Egyptians have long been ruled by the military," and "the people need to be governed by someone with a firm handling, Morsi was too nice." People who hated Prez Morsi for the blackouts but when blackouts tripled after Sisi forcibly took office, they caved in silence. That same people were getting the brunt of corrupted police officers who randomly slapped them with a LE600 fine and all they could do were pay up and say "hasbunallah wa ni3mal wakiil."

Talk about masochism.

I am really afraid thinking what sort of catastrophe God is going to send to us for this blasphemy. It could come crashing on us or anywhere else... Please don't leave us to ourselves, we've done enough screwing.

Cheapskate sometimes but you should see the money I spend when I do splurge.

I had this tee I really like because it's cotton and white-bluish. It can pair up with any coloured tudung, jeans or slacks. Throw in a blazer and I'm ready to present in it. I bought it at Tesco Semenyih for RM10.

It was  a bit short though so I had Ara sew in extension and I wore it happily. But Umair complained.

"Ayah kau konsultan tapi anak dia pakai baju bertampal, compang-camping!"

Every. Single. Time. I wear it, she would complain. It got to a point where she told me to pose for a picture to report to my mom about the distasteful tee.

My mom is strict about stuffs like this. I once own this Turkish tudung handed down from my aunt and I wore it all the time throughout high school until first year of medicine. Nearly 75% of the pictures of me will have me in that tudung. I liked that one better than any of the tudungs I owned.

And you know what my mom did when she got her hands on it? She burned it.
-_-

So I stopped Umair from reporting me to my mom fearing she might start sending clothes to me. I like her taste but most of the clothes she give me will be ones I need to iron. I rather sleep in than iron. And I don't wear that tee anymore. It was getting too worn out anyway.

Today Ayad asked me when did I change my spec. I told him it was some time after Ramadan.

"Oh, buat dekat Malaysia la kiranya," he said.

"Nope, beli tepi jalan harga LE20."

"Kau serius?" Dude why would I lie. "Elok ke benda tu?"

"Aku pakai elok je."

Of course I didn't tell him I wear it lenseless. It would be a long discussion if I tell people my vision is near perfect yet still wear a spec.

And his reply was "Kau anak doktor kot -.-" Tapi kalau ayah kau pun rilek je, so ok la kot. Agaknye.."

Damn. Leave my dad out of this!

One of the most fulfilling domestic work

Disclaimer: This is a bragging post. Ehem.

Yesterday we finished our last Batnah paper thus mark the start for a 2-week final sprint before we face Surgery. Immediate post exam is the time to vent out and people go shopping, fatten up at fancy restaurants, SLEEP and whatever it is guys do.

Meanwhile I was on cook duty so I picked up groceries on the way back, started the laundry and cooked dinner. But guess what else I did?

I DEFROSTED THE FRIDGE! IN THE WINTER SOME MORE! And reorganized the lower kitchen cabinet!

You should have seen the 4cm ice built up on the wall. And me cleaning it out! And hacking the ice away carefully with a spoon, in the frigging cold! My tip of fingers were so pink I was reminded of Raynaud's! And reorganising the stuffs back! Argh I am so proud of myself!

The fridge is a defreeze model but after 3 years I guess ice build up anyway. Damn I'm so proud of myself. You people should give me gentle pats on my back. Hurry hurry.

Here I give you a pick of the aftermath. I should have taken a before pic but I never thought I would feel so successful.

We're 24 and a bunch of mischievous kids, we won't grow up.

Hi. Am at Umair's place for movie night. Actually it was me finishing three movies while Pait, Syemak and Ume snoozed off earlier. It's nearly 2 and I should sleep (slept a few last night and nearly snoozed off in the exam haha) but as usual.. Headache come yet no sleep.

When I arrived after praying Isya at my place, I saw the place wasn't set up and those three haven't prayed Isya yet! So I immediately went to the living room and cleared the area, tables cleared and placed by the wall. I went into Iema's room (she had tuition) and unplugged her TV and caried it out to the living room. I also took out Iema's extra mattress and carried Ume's into the living room. The snacks and mineral water I bought were placed in front of the TV and I brought out a cup from the kitchen.

It was all on auto. Syaimaa joked I was like a brat coming in and make everything at home. I was like, "Dude you said we're having movie night. How come the place isn't set up?"

We watched and complained of the simplicity of The Grudge 2, where everyone just died at the end. I was at my "how are they going to explain all the murders to the police" when it was down to the last two characters. I was thinking how nobody will believe the boy and live haunted the rest of his life, but it turned out the two of them died, too.

"Now they won't need to explain to the police. Brilliant."

It was boring and I needed something thoughtful to comment on. Syemak and I stayed for Dear John (because Tatum is the only abang hensem on the list of movies I haven't watched. He's not exactly my kind of guy, I'm more into Hisashi-kun or Hugh Jackman or Hugh Dancy. I was tempted to do another Butler with Olympus Has Fallen or that smartass cute guy in Now You See Me.) and we were satisfied by the maturity of the love story. It was something I can agree upon. Excellent Josei material.

I was then on a roll for abang hensem. Umair in her semi sleeping state told me to run 127 Hours because there was an abang hensem there. So I did. And it was a scruffy guy.

"That's not exactly abang hensem," I complained. If he looked a little bit more like Dancy as Will Graham, I might have agreed with her taste.

"I just wanted to shut you up. Abang hensem, abang hensem. I'm going to make a status out of this."

I don't always ogle hot guys. Technically doing so is a disgrace to my iman and taqwa. Remember how one of the reasons to get married is to "menjaga kehormatan iman dan taqwa" or something along that line? I should get married soon for that sake, but heh. This is getting too long of a discussion.

So I predicted "Tomorrow all Batnah in my head will be gone."

As Umair expected, it was my kind of movie. I watched the movie alone as the girls weren't interested to know how to survive in a canyon for a week with a hand stuck under a boulder. And the movie was, as Umair said, "inspirational." I revised a little bit of Ortho with that movie, how we save life first before saving a limb.

Ralston was a hero. A self hero. At the end of the day, he saved himself. The thoughts of his loved ones were what kept him going and what kept him sane. It's okay to run off on your own as long as you have something that keeps you going.

And so the most important thing I learned is that, find the right balance between selfishness and independence.

Others include:
(1) don't buy cheap knockoffs.
(2) thank Epul for buying excellent Swiss knife for me.
(3) leave a note somewhere on where you're going.
(4) always return mom's call.
(5) people die. Enjoy life while you're at it.

The flaw in the movie was probably just it's effect. I'm a doctor-to-be so I kind of know how a person would look like severely dehydrated and everything.

---

We finished our Batnah papers today. It was tough because I didn't study the Clinical Patho part well and felt mocked throughout the 20 minutes to answer that 20-questions part of the 105-questions exam. What is important is that I hope Allah will accept our deed and our answers. Be it right or wrong, I hope they were accepted.

I hope none of us has to sit for that exam again ever. I hope we all graduate, especially to the abangs and kakaks older than us. They've taken care of us juniors in Egypt for so long, it's time they come home with a degree. Please Allah, grant this. Allahumma ameen.

Bias

We don't routinely screen for a disease that we haven't got a treatment for. It reminds me of information bias, whereby further information won't change the course of a management.

---

Before writing down my name on the exam sheet, I will ask my neighbour "What date is today?"

Today Baher scoffed at me after answering.

"Sorry. It seems information are getting overriden. I've forgotten many of our colleagues' name."

I think that's also why I take few seconds during the exam to pray for the people I see in my view. To remind myself of my comrades' name. Haha.

---

Dr. Hussein stood in front of Adakun's seat when he greeted the doctors in the hall today. He was wearing green with white narrow stripes. I saw him shaking hands above Adakun's table and sat there shocked at her simply answering her exam like nothing happened.

Back home I confronted her about it.

"Not fair! Dr. Hussein stood in front of your seat! And you did nothing!!"

"Oh," she seemed unfazed. Haru was going mad What is this ingrate? "I looked up and then carry on writing."

"Argh! If it was me I would grin and greet him Sir how are you, pray for us, have a good day!"

They laughed at me. Man. They need to love Dr. Hussein more.

---

Yesterday it was only us four superseniors for dinner and as usual we ate in the tray. We finished eating and nobody raised from the makeshift table. I was sucking on a piece of tomato. Tasnim was idling. Jiha was scraping bones to a side.

Adakun was drawing circles on the tray. She broke the silence without looking up. "Want to lat-tali-lat to decide who does the dishes?"

It was a first. Usually someone would just volunteer somehow and carry the tray back to the kitchen. Although the day before it was me, as I sucked on my tomato I did entertain doing the day's dishes.

Tasnim quickly agreed and we all raised our hand. Tasnim called.

"Lat tali lat, tam plong!"

Three palmars and one dorsum. The dorsum was Adakun. I laughed the loudest, childishly pointing a finger at her.

"Bet you proposed this because you didn't want to do dishes right?" Tasnim said.

"Aaah! I knew it was going to be me!"

Dad will say "trust".

I truly believe without doubt that Allah will only give the best to us and with that I am ready for whatever result I will get for my final MBBch. Though I pray I get a JJ and graduate beautifully with my friends and I even pledged a ten-day straight for Him should I pass.

I do wonder why He give me such terrible laziness. My family knows I'm horribly lazy, seriously. I am only focused in classes, otherwise I don't like to study even for exams. Home is not the place to study. Friends don't agree and think I do study, probably because they always caught me answering correctly or performing well at school. But Umair knows the truth because I studied at her place for my third year final.

Passing all these years with an average of Very Good and making it to my mother of all finals is nothing but a blessing from Allah. I survived all these years because of Him and probably my brain helped out 0.0001%, so I pray He will help me pass this hurdle too. Please don't screw me up just because this is the last time if You wish to for this medical student phase. But please please grant me ease and graduate this February, please.

At least help me with this laziness, dear God. You've had my results written already. Grant me diligence and let me score points for being hardworking, please. Ameen.

When a mime gets mad

We had our first paper today. As usual, give me the paper and I will write down all the headings for my answer in the booklet one page per question, regardless it was only an "Enumerate 5 causes" type of que, so that I wouldn't miss a que and I would have jotted down the important part of the answer before I come back and write down additions at my leisure (more like according to my memory, haha.)

Not sure if this is the best way to go, but I had friends complaining they missed the last que because short of time spending nearly half an hour to explain one question.

The questions were easy but it was me who didn't remember. Remembering is all Allah's doing and out of my control, so all I could do was istighfar, pray, istighfar a whole lot while skimming through other answers until the right one came to mind. 

Added points to treatment of acute severe asthma. 

I was seated next to the window and threw my attention to the Physio building, admiring the good weather we had today. Surrounded by friends I haven't seen in a long while. 

Some more answers for causes of paraplegia with a level. 

May Allah make ease and grant wisdom to Nisa, to Fadzlin, to Humairah, to Rai... The angels are going to say "ameen" and pray for me the same thing, right?

Although I was obviously in trouble, I take pride in being able to relax. Must be the parents and everyone praying for us. I was thinking how true what Dr. Hussein said, that the best way to be decongested was to sit for the exam. I had a rough 12 hours pre-exam with psychosomatic symptoms all flare up, but now look at me. Haha.

Jotted some down for medical causes of cholestasis.

And as I was skimming, Dr. Hussein came into the hall. The loyal fangirl I am, I stood up straighter and just observed him, who cares what are the diagnostic criteria of RA? (This was easy but stupid me, I forgot what it was hahaha...) He was wearing his pink shirt today with the sleeve rolled up. Electrified hair as usual. He was whispering madly at this one staff who just stood there staring at a point in the ground while the dean gestured extra wildly.

I guess the wild gesture was to compensate for his toned down voice. He was in his rage mode yet respected us being in an exam. Funny place to get mad at a subordinate, but it was very amusing. I snickered.

He finished venting and turned to leave the hall. I was hoping he would have his normal apathetic expression back on but he was definitely still pissed. I followed his movement until he stepped out of the hall.

Sir, aren't you supposed to be sight for our sore eyes? His rage mode is terrifying sometimes but I admire him very much and haven't seen him in a long time. I will take whatever I can.

Now where was I? Ah yes diagnostic criteria of RA.

---

After the exam, I tweeted about the sir being emo today and Ame gave me a sneak picture he snapped during the day's morning class.

Sugoii ne Ame-kun! See the dean and his who-called-me-what-he-want face. Hahah.

...

We can do this and we will.

Calm down.

Things not to do in a viva

One of the rumoured-malignant professors we have in Internal Medicine is Dr. Aysha Badawi. Despite the rumours, I like her. She gave us lectures in Cardiology and Rheumatology. Her lectures are usually very long, 2 hours minimum-

She started her Rheumatology lecture with "ihna 3andina a very long lecture" haha that got me chuckled defeatedly

-and she likes to ask and when answered correctly will give you a "right you are" or a glare if you answered like one of the lay men.

And yes, she is strict and kind of scary like the rumours say, but I like her. Because I learn.

I was examined by her during my Internal Medicine end round exam. I was ushered in by the resident and the station I got was Cardiology. Just me, the patient and time. I don't like Cardiology, mind you. Never easy on me. But I was to examine the patient within the minutes allocated, so it was relatively easy and my patient was a kind old chap so it was enjoyable.

No idea who was going to examine me, so I did the full examination and rehearsed my history. More than ten minutes had passed. I even had time to borrow a friend's sphygmo to check the patient's BP (I never bring one to an exam, too bulky to carry around. So I like to go without it and just tell my examiner "I didn't check his BP because I don't have a sphygmo" but maybe I have to change for the final exam).

And then Dr. Aysha came in. I foresaw being butchered.

She went ahead and examined the patient before turning to me asking me to take his pulse. I did and commented it fully.

"..equal volume-"

"What are the causes of unequal volume?" She interrupted me.

"Coarctation of aorta, pancoast tumor, and the rest I forgot. Sorry." I grinned.

Okay maybe I shouldn't have said that.

She wasn't amused. Dr. Aysha gave me the deadliest death glare I had ever seen.

Scratch that, I really shouldn't have said that. Haru was screaming in my head "Why did you have to be stupid do you want us to fail???" and that froze me up from otherwise blurting out "Justjokingpleasedon'tfailme."

It was plain wrong for me to enumerate only two and said "and the rest I forgot" because I was clearly showing no effort. That question can be answered logically by simply analysing what would obstruct or compress just one side of the upper limb. I was lazy and it showed. It served me right to be death-glared, I wouldn't even be surprised if Dr. Aysha sent me away at that point.

But she didn't. Instead she went on and asked me other things and made me do the full cardiac examination in front of her and had me explain the basis of each one of them.

That moment I thought how very forgiving of her to overlook my lapse of judgement. I was sheepish for the reminder of the exam, being humbled by her. She was tough but her questions were clear and didn't deviate from what we studied in the curriculum. She really is a good professor. I learned what professionalism means.

We discussed the management in brief and then I got to "patient will be on life-long anticoagulant."

The atmosphere then was of finality, that I had just answered my last question and would be dismissed uneventfully. But she kept firing.

"What is the dose for the anticoagulant?"

Inside my head, Haru went "Oh shit."

Don't take a leaf out of my book kids, but I don't like numbers so I didn't study the dose before the exam. The patient told me he took 5mg of Warfarin when I clerked his history earlier, but there is the risk of the patient being mistaken. I was tempted to answer 5mg, but I can't risk that.

When you don't know, offer another related answer. So I did this trick I last used in my Ophthalmology final viva when the prof asked me the name of the condition but I forgot and gave him the pathogenesis of that condition instead. Basically I answered a 2-word answer with a 2-sentence.

I smiled confidently and answered Dr. Aysha. "I don't know the dose but I know his INR should be kept 2-3."

She nodded. "Very good. You may go."

"Thank you doctor. Have a good day."

I skipped on my way out. Safe with a "very good" from Dr. Aysha! Alhamdulillah.

P/s: The dose for oral Warfarin is what keeps his INR 2-3, usually around 5-15mg daily.

---

Goofing around is fun but not exactly respectful. Here's another tips for you guys:

1- avoid using Egyptian ammi with your professors especially "eeh" or "aiwah". Use the standard Arabic "na3am".

2- address them respectfully as "sir" or "doctor".

3- be thankful and wish them good day.

4- SMILEEEE. A butchered smiling face is always better. Makes outsiders think you die as a hero.

Everything is right on the right side

This tweet came up on me feed and I thought the right pic is so cute. The boy is sooo cheeky I feel like pinching that cheek and bully that boy.

Few hours later I realised the boy is on the left. I blame X-rays for ruining my right-left orientation.

Solat Hajat 5 Hari Lagi Exam

13112014
1756 - 1830+
@Dewan Besar DMAK

Ustaz Baihaqi imam maghrib, hajat
Zofir MC
Pak Ku the duta bagi amanat. Yalla start.

---

Memohon ilham dari Allah sebelum bermula
Semoga akal yang dikurnia dapat diguna sebaiknya
Ilham itu dari Allah
Ilham dipanjatkan kepada niat lillah semoga berjaya

Ilmu dah diberikan sejak ruh
Ilmu tendang perut mak, ilmu menangis, art of getting attention
Pursuing ilmu untuk menguruskan kehidupan
Can't stop mencari ilmu
Till liang lahad
Exam yang dihadapi bukanlah penamat mencari ilmu
Seterusnya bebas mencari ilmu lain
Ilmu formally nonformal, in any form

Jangan kata "cukuplah". Ilmu takkan putus dicari
Make that the first thing you remember masa nak amik exam

Ada banyak faktor penting dalam mencari ilmu
To use it for career?
Maka setakat tu je la ilmu dia, pastu dia xcari dah
Ilmu as anugerah minallah?
Semua ilmu dicari sebab itu fitrah manusia. Dia beri akal yang sempurna, bekas untuk isi ilmu untuk menyatakan kebesaran Allah. Sebagai bukti kehebatan Pencipta Alam ini

Ni la hakikat pencarian ilmu

Ingat
"Aku cari ilmu demi redha Allah
Demi mengenali kebesaranMu"

Allah said
Setiap perkara yang dijadikan ada bekasnya, patternnya
And to get that pattern ada prosesnya yang lengkap, no shortcut
Bekas tu kita kena bentuk acc what we want
If we want air berbentuk bujur, we need a gelas bentuk bujur. Not square

Semoga ilmu tu menjadi as we want
Maka ada prosesnya
Proses mencapai kejayaan
Maka kena study
Sentiasa bersedia hadapi keputusan akhir

Ilmu not sekadar belajar and tahu
Akhirnya ilmu tu untuk mengenal siapa pencipta

((The learned person is a person who is closest to Me than the pious.))
Sahabat minta Rasul jelaskan
Beza yang berilmu dan sekadar amal jaraknya ibarat langit dan bumi

Maka minta izin Allah semoga dapat keberkatan ilmu yang dicari
Ingat first. Allah with us. Dia mendengar apa kita nak maka MINTA LA AS YOU WANT IT

Haru: I WANT JAYYID JIDDAN AND GRAD WITH MY FRENS THIS FEB2015
"Pehal minta JJ not mumtaz?" Mumtaz is too high-pressured, it iz for ze elite

Cari ilmu sehingga what you say is the truth yang Allah dah susun

Semoga para doktor ini meletakkan ilmu lebih tinggi
Do your best till you can put truth in front of everything else
Sehingga what you say is what Allah susun

He gave you
Akal
Jiwa

Dua benda sangat hebat milik manusia to be utilized
Hati yang baik, maka bina la ia
Akal cerdas and how you use it for greater good

Sebab tu jihad yang besar is membersihkan jiwa
Not sakit hati with anyone bla3
Semoga mendapat rahmat Allah tidak putus

1- "Ya Allah give me ilham. Gimme kecerdasan, kesihatan dan kemampuan to know and get closer to You.
Ilmu ini semata demi aku merasai keagunganMu."

Spiritually. Just becoz ur a science pro doesn't mean you should neglect benda ruhi

How to jelaskan peranan hati

---

(Blackout)
"Ah. Allah uji kita."
Gelap is a nikmat. Hehe
Walaupun can't see, still can hear maa~

Me: Doakan aku. Kau pun tahu aku study camne
Umair: Takpe kau pandai. Kau tak study kau dapat JJ, kalau kau study kau dapat mumtaz. Kau jangan lah mumtaz, kau tak sesuai mumtaz.
Me: ...

Haru:
Knowing Umair, she will be stating a mere fact. This is all because I studied at her place during 3rd Year Final where I played with my toy car, Kevin and Mahsuri the turtle, studied maybe max 5 hours per day, slept in most of the day, defrosted her fridge, went for an hour walk every evening... I got a JJ that year, astaghfirullah. It was istidroj perhaps? :"(

I'm not sure how to take this. Maybe it means I should study harder?

---

2- Jaga hubungan dengan parents
Sebab hubungan spiritual tu Allah dah cipta sejak alam ruh

Doa moga Allah hubungkan ape sahaja dengan parents
Jangan lupa parents, the telepathy with them

Pabila nak duduki exam,

"Mama, nak exam pukul 4-7pm Msia. Masa nak exam tu, boleh tak mama solat hajat minta semoga rahmat Allah melalui doa mama sampai ke Hana."

May it be strength and ease for you when you remember that Allah and your parents are with you

Doa paling hebat datang dari mak ayah
Jangan ingat jarak is a prob
Jangan tak percaya benda spiritual ni

Semoga kejayaan ini mendekatkan kepada Allah.
Jangan lupa berdoa

3- Jangan lupa cikgu sekolah rendah
Mereka berhak menyatakan kegembiraan mereka melalui telepati ni

Semoga diamalkan dan Allah berkati

"Pak Ku doakan semua anak2 Pak Ku taknak sorang pun gagal. Berjaya dengan paling cemerlang bukan sahaja sebab kemampuan tapi sebab Allah. Minta rahmat dan redha Allah. Minta redha ibu bapa. Minta doa guru2. Ini yang Islam ajar kita."

Dan jangan lupa mereka ni bilamana sibuk dengan kehidupan seterusnya. Ingat kejadian kamu macam mana.

Ingat bagaimana Allah letak ruh kamu dipinjamkan dalam rahim seorang wanita untuk menjadikan kamu seorang manusia. Ini lebih besar daripada dia membesarkan kamu.

Ingat parents
Kasihanilah parents
Berikan apa sahaja yang terbaik kepada parents
"Ah" "uh" tu pun dah derhaka. Never say that

Haru: Ma, Pa, we are sorry!!

If ni yang kamu amalkan, semoga jadi doktor yang cemerlang dunia akhirat
InshaAllah takkan terpesong dalam kehidupan bila ingat segala rahmat yang Allah berikan

"Semoga diberikan kekuatan dan kebijaksanaan menempuhi peperiksaan dengan mudah. Dan kesihatan."

---

Umair: (beliau sedang pegang buku Cardio yang lusuh) Serius ni Hana, kau jangan dapat mumtaz, mumtaz tu untuj orang elite je. Kita ni marhaen. Ingat tu. Kalau kau dapat mumtaz aku taknak kawan dengan kau.
Me: Okay.

At this rate, I am more worried about.. erk. No. I will pass this exam with Jayyid Jiddan and grad this February 2015 with all my friends, start working around May 2015 and make my family and dakwah proud. Allahumma ameen.

Please pray for us.

Crisis

Mom asked me if I wanted keropok keping to bring back to Cairo. "Takpe ma," I said. "Malas nak goreng."

Turns out the craving came this evening so I heated up the oil confidently before going to the pantry. Searched twice and couldn't find it.

"Jiha Jiha," I called my housemate anxiously. "Tak jumpa keropok."

"Tu ada," she pulled out those colourful vegetable keropok.

"No no nak keropok ikan."

It was heartbreaking. A house with no keropok keping is so poor, so very sad. I felt sorry for the poor girl. Heated oil but no keropok to fry. I thought she would cry.

The housemate felt sorry. "Kita ada keropok bawak haritu." She pulled out a packet of keropok keping from under her bed.

"Yezz!" The girl ran to the kitchen.

"Gorengkan lebih!" Housemate yelled after.

Keropok fried and brought to housemate's room to eat. Along with the unfried keropok.

"Hana!!! Tinggal separuh dah!"

I laughed. What did she expect? One cannot just eat a few pieces of keropok in one sitting.

We munched while I studied Bronchial Asthma. "Saya nak kahwin dengan." Munched another piece. Man I really could munch on these nonstop. And I need to curb this stopping-mid-sentence habit.

"Nelayan?"

"No." Munched another piece.

"Pengusaha keropok lekor?"

I chose my word properly and took another piece of keropok. This is paramount to my future. "Nak kahwin dengan someone yang akan bagi saya sebab untuk ke Terengganu."

That or I should stay close to Terengganu. Driving to Besut from Kota Bharu isn't that bad to stock up on keropok, I think I know the road.

"Kenapa Terengganu?"

What kind of question is that? "Terengganu is heaven for keropok la!"