Haru is a dude

There's something I need to work on.

This evening I met Heba and talked to her. She seemed to have grown even taller than the last time we met and I felt guilty how I thought she was like a giraffe when she had to stoop so low to brush cheeks with me. Anyway that's not my point.

Heba was talking bullet fast in English and I barely answered back. And I'm not sure what the problem was.

(a) Language. I write better in English than I can in my own mother tongue and I even think in English. But in real life I speak fluently in Malay way better than I can in English.

(b) Interpersonal. Because I haven't seen her in a very long time and I don't really know her that well personally, I went into neutral mode. That translates to being more agreeable and less sharing my opinions, thus the setback.

(c) Gender issue. She chatted about her living arrangement and I was more listening than I was commenting. She was being a normal girl while I.. I think I behaved more like a dude then. Is this bad or is this not bad? I took a quiz recently and it said I think 100% like a guy.

But I'm a healthy straight female!

If it's (a), this means I need a real living person next to me and just speak my mind. Haru, materialise now kudasai!

If it's (b), then I need a better social protocol otherwise risk bore people out. Diplomats like Khadijah and Roy have an admirable personality, but I know I can never be that (cunningly) good with people. I'm a Choleric, not Sanguine by default. I'll learn though.. It'd be like Sasuke learning from Naruto how not to be an ice cube.

If it's (c), then I'm doomed.. Maybe I need to ask how the girls think of me in this context. Other than that, I don't know what to do. Truthfully in general, I find girls annoying. I kind of like being a girl who thinks like a guy.

But actually, Haru is a girl. And you know how stupid girls get when they go into shoujo mode.

It can't be helped that I like CNBLUE's music so much that I'm starting to pay attention to the members, and this is the trigger for this second half of this rant. I've been hooked on CNBLUE to the point reality seemed blurred. But I have repented and learnt my lesson from this episode. Let me share it here, not exactly in a particular order:

(1) When you feel, justify. Scrutinise until you can't break it down anymore, until there is no doubt that you are feeling what you are feeling. If you like something, ask yourself which part of it you like. Ask yourself why you like it. Don't settle for bullshit like "I don't know. Love is blind" because you will be blinded.

(2) Don't confuse an idea for the real deal. A clear example is how I love the idea of eating keropok right now, but to get up and fry some and the calories... so leceh. You get the idea, right?

(3) Don't start what you can't envision how it will end well. Don't entertain the idea of someone if you can't see the possibility of marrying him. Don't confess I love you but then do nothing proactive. It hurts them and it hurts you. If you have to let go, might as well don't even start.

But this point is clearly debatable.

A: How would you know the end of something you didn't even start? How guaranteed is that the protocols you came up with will be? This itself is an idea, not the real deal.
H: We will discuss this later.
A: You're a coward.
H: I like that song, I must be one.

(4) There is more to life than romantic love. This is probably the most important lesson I learned. People say youth is the time to experience love, but bear in mind love has many shades. Don't hung all your hope on romantic love. Experience life, it is short!

(5) I do, indeed, am attracted to another me. Which is a tiresome trap. I would date myself if I want to settle for a great spouse who will accept me as I am, but I want an extraordinary spouse who makes me want to be a better me.

(6) People's personal is not my business. Don't make it a habit.

Resuscitation is in the form of looping The Vamps and staying off CNBLUE for a while. Ah, I'm missing them already.