attended my first violin concerto

Woke up. 

Showered. Washed my hair. 

Put on the new nicely fitted long sleeved black shirt and good jeans. 

Breakfast of Singaporean fried meehoon with lots of keropok. Tasted nothing like a Singaporean fried meehoon though. Couldn't even come close to my favourite Summer Cafe's Chinese fried meehoon. Ahh but what choice do I have being so far from Lahad Datu. Saved half for dinner. 

And a cup of good coffee, the Nescafe Gold Flat White ones. 

Still got time. Cleaned the room. 

How should I wear my hair today. Leave it down? Low ponytail? Ah. Braided thy hair. 

Some matte lipstick in the colour Fiery and two sprigs of black musk perfume. Because it's a concerto and I gotta dress up. 

A glass of chilled almond milk, just because it's Australian. 

Attended the concerto. I'm excited. 

So nice. It sounded so beautiful I could fall asleep. Ohh that third movement is actually really good. 

Clapped at the end of third movement. Bowed out and waved goodbye. 

Now... Although I'm still full from breakfast and almond milk, let's go have some bubble tea.

Edited:

So I waited for afternoon prayers before going out and washed the perfume on me because let's admit it, two sprigs was too much. Even one sprig is a lot. I could barely breathe. 

Afternoon prayers done. Finished my fried meehoon leftovers. 

So comfortable. So sleepy. Cuddled with Jiyong and slept for god knows how long. 

Woke up to a bleary world. Ahh. It rained, no wonder. 

But should we still get that bubble tea today? We should continue this date today. 

Went down. Housemates were having tea and they invited me. I ate a piece of keropok and went back up for evening prayers. Went back down and sat for Earl grey tea and two pieces of roti jala with kari ayam. 

It's 7pm now. Usrah online in an hour and half. Let's get that bubble tea babe. 

simp sibelius!

Twoset's Sibelius violin concerto is happening tomorrow and I've been looking forward to it since they dropped the date 4 days ago. I put the event on my calendar and by God, I've been living the past 4 days looking forward to Saturday.

Believe me when I say I haven't been looking forward to anything since I could remember, at least not past 6 months. And living looking forward to something was.. Refreshing. I felt actually alive.

So Luqman called me just now. We talked for close to an hour. He was oncall and complaining how busy his call is since his general surgery trainee been picking up 8 cases already.

Anyhow his intro was how different I sounded. I thought I sounded the same. He said it was my tone. I sounded alive.

I said I found my safe place. He tried digging and I told him he knows the place but I didn't want him to know where it is. 

He guessed Inobong and then Mesilau, probably pointing to that place we had our brunch. Now that I think of it, yeah that place is worthy of being a safe place. 

He asked what was my turning point. I think it was me going home. 

I also told him I'm loving the feeling of looking forward to something, and that something is tomorrow. And tomorrow the concerto is happening. 

Anyway. He actually closed our conversation with "can I conclude" and concluded that I'm not much in despair, I'm less anxious depressed etc etc etc. I acknowledged that "less is the word".

I told him I hope he's doing well. He told me not to hope so much. I asked him what's stopping him. He corrected me "what's slowing me" was the feeling of a bonfire nearing the end of the burn.

I genuinely told him that I know he always get through things one way or another, and I know he'll get through this too. He said that's a comforting thought. 

I thanked him for checking up on me. I didn't tell him that I'm sorry I'm not good at comforting as he is to me.

If you ever find this, know that you're always my favourite brother. Thank you.

deciding people's name by whatever sounded nice

So I was at home, on my bed, typing up my night update for the rest of the team by memory. There's this one kid whose name I remember in full so I typed in her full name.

Nana Kim Rara

Or is it Rara Kim Nana? I don't remember. N before R right? Or do they not work that way? Which sounded better? Rara Kim Nana or Nana Kim Rara?

I decided Nana Kim Rara sounded better, so I typed in her name as such. 

Guess who got joked on for mistyping the patient's name hahahaha. 

idiot who doesn't know how screen recording works

Focused on the 2.5 hour long webinar on Chemotherapy for Gastric Ca Peritoneal Mets. Such interesting discussion. Stage 4 TLC has a 4 months overall survival? What a terrible disease. Quality of Life need to be top notched for a disease with OS less than 1 year, yes I concur. Such interesting therapy, yes please elaborate more on your clinical trials. 

I observed their scientific presentation style and planned to adopt my own. Rolled over on my bed for the last 30 minutes of it, almost 11pm, I'm tired. I've got the recording up since the beginning, so excited to replay and share with everyone else. 

Checked the recording. No sound. Fast forward. No sound. Check other videos. No sound at all. 

SOMEONE EFFING FORGOT TO TURN ON THE MIC!

that nation no one wants to be acquainted with

When I was playing Maple back in high school, I once trained with a player and he said he's an Israeli. I oh-ed and remembered feeling awkward. I shouldn't be friends with him. 

When I went to Fukuoka in 2019 my table mate was a pretty lady and we stroke up a conversation. She told me she's from Israel. I told her I'm from Malaysia. Then she asked me where have I been in Fukuoka and I flexed my travel itinerary, how I went up to Itoshima to see the Futamigaura on my touch down in Fukuoka. She told me "you have all the most beautiful beaches in Sabah and you come here looking for beaches too?" Yeah I did that. Thanks Luqman for coming along. 

Nowadays I'm listening to classical music. One of the best recordings there are are those of Itzhak Perlman. Guess what nationality he is. 

It's not that I've gotten complacent. It's just me knowing how to thread with things. Like how LGBT is. Religiously it's wrong and illegal, but when Arif told me to judge a person based on his appearance (he wanted me to say the word gay) I told him I don't judge, I accept people how they are. I thought then telling him that one of my best mate is openly gay probably wouldn't be a great idea, kid would be shocked. 

I can't change people. But I will always pray for them.  

review TCA #1

Let's make this a standard review

Hobbies

-Reading fanfiction

-Masuk hutan

Advantage

-High functioning depression

Disadvantage

-Overthinking

-Always cold

Things I'm good at

-Working

Things I'm not good at

-Having proper meals

Complex

-I wanna talk to someone but I don't want to talk to anyone

Best 3 food

-Rice with omelette 

-Steamed dumpling

-Kimbab / onigiri

Worst 3 food

-Peas

-Taucu

Favourite word

-"Okay sure" 

Favourite colour

-Black

Favourite song 

-Tchaikovsky violin concerto

Favourite type of people

-Partner material

Respected people

-Parents

Current happiness

-Twoset Violin

What I bought recently 

-Warm clothes

Hardest thing ever

-Falling asleep

-Waking up for work, it's easier if cm was a day off

How to spend off days

-Sleeping in

-Aimless walks

Places to visit 

-New York

-Australia

What to challenge

-Study more

-Sleep better

What I want to do with my friends

-Birding

-Jump into deep waters

never forget leak

All my 3 calls since 2021 has been busy. I barely slept and still had to work the next day all day and then I'd still have trouble sleeping on my postcalls. Anxiety gets me. I don't know how to shut my brain off.

Anyhow. My most recent call was on Sunday. I did my rounds in the morning and the sickest kid in our acute bay was worrying me. She was a POD 6 bowel anastomosis done and had spiking fever all night. I thought she was more tachypnic and tachycardic and her abdomen was distended compared to when I last saw her on Friday and I planned to repeat cultures for her now. I need to exclude leak as well.

My surgeon came and said the abdomen is full. Yeah it is but it's distended too is it not to you? She told me to monitor the temperature first and repeat culture if another spike in. To off her Ryle's tube and to allow her breastfeeding today. But do one AXR first before feeding her. 

I remember thinking I wouldn't dare to feed a septic child with distended abdomen post bowel anastomosis until I've totally excluded leak. But she was the surgeon and she did the anastomosis. Okay then.

I settled my ward work. I waited for the AXR and called Radio twice for it. Why are they late, I need AXR for my patient TRO intraab sepsis. Cmon now. I was jittery because I had referral from COVID tent and I need to settle her first, who knows how long the referral will take me. 

Xray came and I urgently asked my nurses to go trace the film. They came back much later than I know it would for a round trip to xray with food in their hands while there I was pacing. Dammit. They should have told me they were getting food too, I would have gone to xray myself.

Her bowels were dilated with paucity at right lower abdomen, exactly where the anastomosis would have been. Damn. Can we not feed her?

I updated my surgeon. I asked her if she still wanted to feed the kid. She told me to keep NBM. Thank God. I would have gone behind her back and kept the child NBM anyway. 

I went to COVID tent. I exited it after an hour to a text message from my staff nurse telling me the kid was getting more tachypnic. Which was 30 minutes ago. God! I remember breaking into a run while replying "Insert a Ryle's tube first! I'm on my way!" 

I stared at the kid's eyes while I stood next to her, my sweater off and my gloves on. She looked at me smacking her lips and nasal flaring. She looked so sick. 

God help me, please help me help this kid. 

Supported her airway and breathing. Decompressed the abdomen as much as I can. Repeated all her bloods and prepped her for laparotomy. Made sure she got her stat dose of escalated antibiotics. She looked puffy but her urine colour isn't as good as I hope so and her peripheral circulation are not as good as her central. I need dopamine, she had accumulated positive 3000ml balance already and I didn't dare overload this kid unless I'm ready for her lungs to get wetter and intubate her. She already had atelectasis. 

My surgeon texted me about the adhesive obstruction I attended in COVID tent. I told her the kid is obstructed but stable, but this one here is not. I told her everything I was doing. She replied me that she agreed with my plans and told me she'll come after Maghrib. Maghrib was in an hour. 

Took me two hours resuscitating the kid before my surgeon showed up. The first thing I said to her was "PSICU ya Miss? Sorry but I wrote in my review TRO leak."

"Yeah I think so too." I just needed that one greenlight. She's the gazetted surgeon, I'm just a medical officer. A scared medical officer who knew this kid could have died faster if she was fed today. 

Ken came and pushed her straight to PSICU. Dr. Hidayah reviewed her straight away and started her on the dopamine. It was only 8pm so I asked my surgeon if we're going in tonight. She said to get an ultrasound first. I called up Radio. The MO came straight aeay since I told him that we need to go in for the kid. And yeah, it was a massive complex ascites.

INR was 4 plus. Dr. Hidayah said they'll correct all the bloods and push to OT first thing cm. I couldn't thank her enough. I knew the kid was at least in a better care than it would have been with just me and my ward nurses. 

My night was sleepless with referrals afterwards as I periodically checked up on her, powered by 1g of paracetamol and a short 30 minutes nap. I had to despite one more COVID tent referral; my head was pounding probably from hypoglycaemia and dehydration. By 4am I was done with my work and I was famished (last meal was breakfast at 12pm) but damn sleepy. Forget food, I need sleep. I refused to sleep on a hospital bed so I went home and slept on my bed. Groggily and super reluctantly got out of bed two hours later.

They went in while I finished my rounds. And then I had to go to clinic where my nurses greeted me with "Doktor ada makanan untuk kau dari BFF kau kali. Kami tidak kenal."

I went to the back and there it was a pack of bomboni doughnuts and coffee milk. Written on the packaging was "Good day Tiqs. XOXO" 

Mizah texted me in my hectic morning asking whether I'd be in clinic or OT today and only then I remember reading them but not replying them. I replied her then that I love her. What would I do without people feeding me. I'm so bad at that.

I finished clinic at noon. Went up to see the kid post op in PSICU and saw she was extubated. Read the op note and remembered feeling terrified of the op finding. 

It was a dirty abdomen. Slough and bile everywhere in all corners. 

What if I was too late? What if I had been ignorant? The kid wouldn't have survive. I'm so glad I caught it and thankful God had mercy on her and on me. Oh God we should have opened her on Sunday morning itself. 

almost one year later

When I first started working I dutifully wore baju kurung to work, but I stopped wearing them during my 5th month of working because it hindered me from jumping onto patient's bed to initiate CPR. Nowadays I only wear baju kurung for eid and when I'm attending weddings, and even that I try to wear my black jubah. So I told mom to give all my baju kurungs away.

Mom said no one wants baju kurungs anyway. Orang Asli prefers shirts and pants. She told me to wear baju kurungs on dates instead.

First - that's fake. Baju kurung is the epitome of a graceful Malay lady, which I'm not. I'm a simple practical person who appreciates practical things.

Second - the last time I went on a date I wore denims and shawl. But maybe I shouldn't have tried so hard. 

i work with kids because adults are mostly idiots

Got 2 COVID stage 2 kids cared by their COVID stage 3 mom in our ward and the mother was not doing as well as we hope, so I called up the kids father who is a COVID stage 1 in a quarantine center, asking if he could come take care of the kids prior to us sending out their mom.

"Macam tak boleh doktor."

"Kenapa ya encik?"

"Saya tak selesa kalau jaga di Likas. Terlalu sejuk."

... I have never. Been. So. TRIGGERED. IN. MY. ENTIRE. LIFE!!!!!!!

There I was shivering in my three layers of clothing including a thermal innerwear I bought specifically for working in the effing cold ward, sleeping with two blankets on and I NEVER once complained of it nor refused a night shift because of comfort reason. And I'm the person who will get cold-induced bronchospasm.

I already explained to this egg that his wife condition wasn't blooming and we need to get her to the adult side and he still only cared of HIS comfort? Oh I almost said "fuck you brainless sperm donor why am I the one with an ounce of care for your wife and your kids?"

But I remained seated and told him "encik patut utamakan kesihatan isteri dan anak-anak encik lebih daripada keselesaan encik sendiri" an octave higher. I told him to think and we would call him back cm. I ran out of fuck to talk with that shit.

Charlene was looking at me while doing her night review and heard all of my almost-shouting. She said "biasanya kalau kes begini I will tell the husband 'kalau isteri encik mati pun encik juga kena jaga anak, so encik nak jaga anak encik sekarang atau tunggu isteri encik mati dulu?'"

Girl so savage. I wouldn't want to wish that on the wife, but I very much think the husband deserved a painful death. I pitied his wife so badly. Before I gave the fucker a call I called his wife asking for caretaker replacement candidate and she automatically answered me "no one". No wonder. Oh lady I pity you, why are you married to this shit. 

hello 2021

Hello 2021. It's me, Atiqah. I heard fireworks went off at 11pm last night but I was too spent so I slept longer than usual.

2020 was.. I don't know. My biggest achievement was my GS training. Figuring I can leave frozen food in the Kenwood grill and it'd be cooked by the time I finish showering. The joy of birding. The quote "everything is an achievement". 

Also figuring I'm suicidal in the form of recklessly overworking. 

I found this today while messaging a friend I have long time not see and I guess 2020 was basically just me an idiot. 

I replied Shasha's message the day after, and it was my Day 4 of admission. 

I was an idiot. Still am an idiot. Idiot who wouldn't even get out of bed this morning. I had to persuade myself it's okay even if you don't want to shower, let's just put on some pants first. 

My 2021 resolution is to be happy. Let's try that first, okay? We'll drop the "be proud of yourself" for the time being, I just want you to be happy first.