Ideally I should just sleep and leave the worrying to tomorrow me

The other day Dayah was telling me stories of our playboy superior who despite married twice and once divorced, went after one of our HO colleague. Dayah told me she somewhat understood why he acted that way "because of his troubled marriage with his overbearing wife."

"But isn't love a verb?" I asked her. "When things go wrong we should work on it and settle it, not run away from it."

"Maybe because I'm married so I could see this," she began. "But it takes a very strong and pious person to really work on the marriage and not bail when things go wrong."

Have I been a too idealistic person? Thinking too much and doing none?

---

Mom is telling me to marry a doctor because then he would understand my circumstances. The first question is who. Should I start listing all my single and available male colleagues? It feels cheap to do so.

Other things on my mind is my career path. I understand dad wanting me to finish HO first before delving into this issue because the hanging and uncertain fate of a HO is real and I am feeling it now. Dad just wants me to have a clear mind and calm heart to get on with my current status as a HO.

Thinking about the future is tiring. All I want is to cycle somewhere green and lay on the grass by the river bank and sleep.

Go home when work is done

Met Faizzuddin at Anggerik today when I went there to use the staff's WC. He called me out.

Faiz: OT ongoing. Bos tak balik lagi. HO kena stay ke?
Me: Paed bukan macam Black atau Uro. Bos tak suruh. Tapi personal principle aku, masuk OT. As a respect.

Faiz: Luqman suruh balik.
Me: Luqman memang macam tu. Dia layan kita macam adult, so dia takkan suruh kau buat apa-apa. Tapi demi kebaikan diri dan pembelajaran, kena la stay.
Faiz: Common sense memang kena stay pun.

That's one issue I noted in Surgical. HO not eager enough to stay back and learn.

And out of all these things I've done

I don't know how the dinner conversation turned to this, but my mom told me while doing dishes "cari la sorang" to which my dad put his arm around my shoulder and said

"Find a partner. So that you wouldn't be lonely."

But dad, I'm not lonely.

Which reminded of when Dr. Luqman asked me if I'm going to be one of those old, single, never been married consultants. I said no.

"I understand the need for marriage, I understand the need for procreation. And I know any kids of mine will be awesome-

"Will be awesome, ye?"

"-and given the right partner our kids can take over the world."

"That sounds-"

"Grandiose, yea?"

When I told him my parents seemed a little reluctant at my eagerness to continue in Surgery, he asked me to elaborate.

"Maybe because I'm planning my career but not my life as a whole."

"Explain."

I sighed, I was not keen to breach this topic actually. "I think they want me to get married. If I want to, I can just tell them. My mom already has a calon."

"Don't you have someone in mind?"

"No." Truthful. But then I laughed. "I'm not straight."

"You mean?"

"Haha this is just an excuse."

"Are you bi?"

"No." Girls are difficult to handle. On any given day I'll choose to hang out with guys for this simple reason. "I guess I'm asexual."

We continued our conversation and he explored my philosophy on love which I semi reluctantly shared. He's a good company because he listens and has the capacity to understand, but it's unnerving when he does that without actually sharing back his insight. He later concluded

"No wonder you're asexual."

The Privileged

Dr. Izat: Awak bila nak habis Medical?
Me: Lambat lagi. Saya baru sebulan lebih, first viva pun belum lagi.
Dr. Izat: Heh gerenti tak kena extend punya, considering who your father is.
Me: Considering who my father is la saya senang kena extend. Mana boleh bagi muka huhu.

In truth, I'd rather be extended than people think I'm privileged because of who my father is. But I don't want to be extended. Need to faster be a specialist.

Dr. Izat: Takkan la diorang nak extend anak Dr. Hanifah.
Me: Sebab tu lagi la saya kena serang. Tengok macam Dr. Arif dalam Radio conference haritu.
Dr. Izat: Hahaha awak memang kena pick out.
Me: Kalau dia sebut nama saya takpe jugak, ni direct main nama ayah gaaah.

Had a field day referring to Surgery

Me: Salam Dr. Omar. Saya Atiqah Hanifah, HO Medical dari Wad 9. Nak refer kepada Black satu kes infrarenal triple A.

Dr. Omar: Refer Black? Kenapa call saya?

Me: Sebab saya call Kak Ju dia tak angkat. So saya call second on my list, Dr. Omar la.

Dr. Omar: Kenapa call Kak Ju?

Me: Sebab Kak Ju paling baik antara semua MO Black hahaha.

Dr. Omar: Fine. (Typical emo Omar. I laughed at him.) Call la Ju.

Me: Tak nak terima la ni? Okay la saya call Dr. Azizi-

Dr. Omar: Okay la ape dia kesnya?

Case referred. We actually discussed management over the phone and I suggested the classic plan for it "tapi saya serahkan kepada Dr. Omar yang lebih arif."

"Baik la saya discuss dengan senior yang lebih arif dulu."

"Haha."

"Awak Wad 9 sekarang? Patut la saya nampak Wad 9 kurang ceria sekarang."

"Hei saya baru dua hari kat sini!"

Should have retorted "Dr. Omar Black sekarang? Patut la Black makin suram sekarang."

Now that I have a book, I have to study

Yesterday I felt annoyed and pestered when Dr. V told me to study properly for MRCS as response to my planning a study on PD. I felt forced to study. I know he was looking out for me but I was still annoyed at him. So I simply replied his five-lined messages with an "okay" (I initially wanted to reply with a "k" but that'd be a dead giveaway) and decided to not talk to him for two days at least.

Today while waiting for my ride home, I went to Anggerik to study from Dr. V's book. I stopped by the hospimart and bought lychee drink (lychee drink reminds me of Mr. Zaidi) as a peace offering to the HO who might be oncall at Anggerik. Went to Anggerik and guess who I met at the counter? Dr. V himself, studying from a BHT.

I greeted him like nothing happened. He was noticeably less chirpy than when he usually see me, so I know I was right when I thought he was stressed with study last night and some of it projected onto me.

"Hi Dr. V. I'm here to borrow your book before going home. You oncall?"

"Yeah."

"Here, peace offering." I put the lychee drink next to him.

"You're always coming here with gifts."

"Not gifts. Those are peace offerings." Because I am currently a Medical Department member and by right shouldn't hang out at Anggerik. Plus a silent apology for my brattiness last night although I didn't express it directly towards him.

After my dad called to announce his arrival, I stood up to return his book in his secret drawer.

"You can take the book home with you," he said. I grinned and was going to reply a smartass comment about trying my best not to leave a trail of drool over his book but I thought better of it.

"Thanks Dr. V. I'll keep it safe."

AtiqOh and her thrill for blood

Truthfully I have no idea what I like best in Surgery, besides the people, but I know the best thing in Medical for me is peritoneal dialysis, simply because I can cut and suture people. One time we had a near-traumatic PD case that we managed to control before calling in the Surgical team, and I am proud to say I was the one of the HO who managed the damage control situation.

I like it to a point I'm thinking of doing a study on it. Now I'm thinking of where should I start.. And who to ask for guidance from. I once asked Dr. V to teach me how to write papers. Back then he was busy. Rightfully my mentor in Medical is Dr. Wan Hasnul, a nephrologist. And my dad Master thesis was on nephrotic syndrome.

This has potential.

Drowsy E3V5M6

Postcall. Came home late. Fall asleep on the floor. Woke up to adik-adik watching TV and the voice sounded familiar. Oh, Appa Song. Turned sideways to watch Mingukie. Phone rang. Familiar number came up. My phone is failing me again, why is the contact not shown? Luckily his number has a rhythm to it.

"Hello?" Busy background chattering heard.

"Hi." I remained sprawled on the floor.

"Dekat mana?"

"Ape dia?"

"Duk mano loni?"

"Oh. Rumah."

"Buat ape?"

"Baru lepas buat bed sore."

"Bed sore?" Laughter. "Grade berapa?"

"Grade.. urgh." Why are people vivaing me as soon as I wake up? I wrecked my mind for that earlier page in Kasr el Ainy textbook, belah kiri bawah...

"Petang ni free? Jom pergi ride."

"Free.. tapi kenapa nak pergi rumah Red?" Red is one of my HO colleague during Surgery, he has since been posted to Paediatric. Red buat jamuan ke? Takde ajak pun. Takpe ke pergi?

"Rumah Red? Saya rasa GCS awak tak full lagi ni. Saya ajak ride la."

"Haha, sorry. What time?"

"6, 6 suku."

"Tunggu kat mane? Bawah pokok?"

"I'll be from here. I'll inform back."

"Al-Imam? Al-Imam kat mana?"

"I said I'll inform back la. Pergi bangun dulu!"

"Bwahaha okay okay I'm up." And I stood up.

Man, Al-Imam? Aku rindu Mesir ke ape.

This is why I wear mask all day at work

I came to work today and the cutest guy in ward (okay la ada dua je lelaki dalam wad perempuan ni) said to me

"Atiqah kenapa muka macam postcall?"

-_- I was off yesterday!

---

I get this a lot. When I was in Plastic Dr. Hazwan would greet me everyday with "demo oncall ko maghin?" The first time he asked I was indeed oncall last night and I thought he saw me sleeping on the couch that morning. But when the question persists and now even in Medical...

let's do this

earlier i learned from dr.luqman that nash is still around but i forgot till when. i would probably ask nash this himself the next time i see him, hopefully before his farewell. also dr.helmi will be leaving for besut this 16th and dr.omar will be leaving for sarawak next month.

hahahaha good for him, good for him. i wish him all the best and for him to have fun, and fi hifzillah. i aim to work in sarawak too for my MOship, it'll be fun to come across him once in a while.

---

if i want to, i can start things in motion, but first as advised by dr.luqman and as long realized by yours truly, i need to get rid of my laziness. "be the atypical malay and stop being lazy" was what he said as a reminder to me and him.

dr.vicky and dr.zafran will support me, i know. mr.tar will have my back, mr.razin has hoped that i'll return as a trainee soon, and i'm sure mr.zuraimi will support me too if i want to pursue surgery. i hope mr.zaidi will be happy for me too, and i have a good feeling he will.

my dad will give his go if i want to do this. he long knows that i can when i want. but mom, she's not exactly approving me laying out a career plan before i lay out my life plan, but life is too big to plan. she's not really into me into surgery because of the hectic lifestyle. i know i need to decide on what kind of lifestyle i want as per dr.shen's advice, but i really don't know what more to decide on.

i understand the importance of marriage and procreation. i know my kids will be awesome and given the right partner, our kids can take over the world. i'm not sure whether i have to actively find one, well actually as i write this i find it absurd and no i do not want to actively find one, mom can match me with anyone she deems suitable and i'll give him a serious thought. but right now....

basic surgical skill course in february 2016
mrcs part a in september 2016

but first, let me go cycling.

Last day in Mahsuri

Dr. Omar chaperoned Dr. Ang to review a case in Mahsuri today and when he saw me, he started to pick a fight. I called him back "Jonah".

He got up from his chair and with that smug I-don't-care face attempted to poke me in the eye.

Yes, good to see you too -_-

---

Today was my last day in Mahsuri. Wei Nie said she's going to miss me and my "cool inserting branula in the leg".

Hahahahaha.

Three weeks in Medical

Survived 3 weeks Medical without anyone knowing who my dad is (except Dr. Moniaty, a consultant who I chatted with while waiting for dad to pick me up). Today my MO decided to ask me where I'm from and the subsequent questions led to what my father does for a living..

Me: Ayah saya kerja sini.
Dr. Izat: Dia kerja admin ke?
Me: Paeds. Neonate.
Dr. Izat: Nama dia siapa?
Me: Dr. Hanifah.
3 MOs serentak: Laa anak Dr. Hanifah kee.
Dr. Hidayah: Kena mesej group ni, bagitahu Nur Atiqah ni anak Dr. Hanifah.
Dr. Izat: Tak boleh nak buli la, anak bos.
Me: Kat Surgery diorang buli je saya haha.

Prior to this conversation Dr. Izat treated me to ice tea. Because I was having my brunch in the pantry with 3 MOs in it. A lower-esteemed HO would probably scurry away.

Dr. Izat is currently my favourite Medical MO. He taught me while doing rounds. Today he teached me how to order dialysis prescription, how to manage AEBA that made me think he either worked in KK or ED before. I managed to answer why we gargle after Salbutamol inhalation and his response was

"Ha pandai pun."

I feel so pandai bwahaha actually I am slow at this Medical thing. Wonder why I took up medicine.

Some people will always be my favourite

Last night I dreamed about work and there was Nasri involved as well. I woke up thinking maybe he's gone to KL already.

Wherever he is, I wish him happiness and success. Thank you for everything Nash.

---

Today I dented the car at the automatic car wash. I was queueing and didn't realise there was a metal bar to my right and bamm! The car wash guy laughed at me and told me to get the car fixed or else "abah marah".

My colleagues were asking why I don't buy a car. Well obviously because all the fund for that goes to repairing all the family car(s) I screwed.

Dr. Azizi and his sweet tooth

Seriously Dr. Azizi ni saya dah keluar Surgery baru nak berkawan. Hahaha. Today I finished inserting a branula and went to the counter to put his blood forms. There I met Dr. Azizi who was on the phone.

I grinned at him, ready to greet him but he beat me to it.

"Atiqah, harini takde brownies?"

I laughed. No greetings whatsoever! "Kenapa tak cakap semalam, semalam saya off."

---

My last day in Surgery, Dr. Azizi kept saying "tapi awak dah last day dah" each time he ordered me something regarding patient's care. Up to the point I told him "dah la tu cakap camtu, sedih saya." Haha.

At the end of the day after PM round, Dr. Helmi gestured me towards where the MOs were standing by the hallway.

"Atiqah harini last day awak dah kan."

"Yes. Ada wasiat ke?" Last night I went supper after OT with Dr. Luqman, Dr. Mus, Kak Dayah and Ayus who was oncall Paeds. Kak Dayah's will to me was "bo lah refer kes traumatic PD nyo."

"Nombor satu, buang spec tu, beli spec baru."

"Haha taknak, saya suka spec ni."

"Spec dia ni takde lens," he complained to Kak Paan.

"Comel ape," Kak Paan backed me up. Hahaha.

Dr. Azizi asked me when I'm going to treat them all.

"Now. Saya bawak brownies harini." Because Dr. Aizat the Ketua Kelas said there would be an MO Teaching today and told me since last week to bring food, so mom prepared brownies for them.

"Awak buat ke mak awak buat?" Dr. Helmi sniggered.

"Of course la mak saya. Semalam OT habis lambat kan. Pukul 12 baru saya sampai rumah."

"Mak Atiqah memang selalu bawak makanan untuk dia, saya selalu habiskan," Dr. Helmi told Dr. Azizi. I laughed. Bagus la sedar diri.

I wished Dr. V a good year and told him to take care of his liver. He said his liver is spared another one week.

Dr. Vicky invited me to OT Locum today, so I packed my OT clothes to today's work. It turned out I'm Discharge HO of the day so I ended up leaving work at 3pm today. Several of my AM colleagues left work earlier than me.

Sam bid me goodbye as I was stuck in front of the computer doing discharge.

"Noo don't leave me alone!"

"Atiqah pasang la lagu, takde la sunyi sangat."

I turned on the playlist he pointed and hit Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Music started, lyric played.

"Haa sesuai sangat la tu."

"Sam jangan pergiiiii."

He laughed! That bastard hahaha.

---

Went to Anggerik afterwards and saw Dr. Vicky running after a patient's 5-year-old brother.

Ah, OT long finished already. Never mind, let's lepak.

Dr. Zafran was also there. He's studying at the hospital for their Master entrance exam, him and Dr. Vicky. Exam this Monday and Tuesday and they're leaving on Sunday evening.

I went for lunch with Dr. Vicky and he settled on a bun because there wasn't any vegetables served.

"I'm vegetarian today."

"Why today?"

"Need God's help to pass the exam."

"Hahaha suddenly you're all religious and pious!"

"I'm not confident with my ability alone hahah."

---

I asked him if he was there when my dad met Mr. Tar at ACC last Thursday.

"Yes I was. The whole team was there."

"What did they talked about?"

"We mentioned to him about you coming to APAPU."

That's one my dad didn't mention. My dad told me Mr. Tar was asking where I was ("Atiqah Medical sekarang") and that he wanted to pull me in as a Surgical MO. Dad only laughed in response.

"What did he say about it?"

"He said you're still a houseman."

I nodded. I thought so. Dad seems to want me to go through all my postings first and decide later, not promoting me to settle on anything yet. He doesn't want me to rush.

I don't know if this is considered rushing, but I remember being inclined towards Surgical-based since signing up for medical school. I remember being very much excited with Dr. Hussein and Dr. Shenoufy. I always keep Dr. Shenoufy's advice at the back of my mind as I made up my current working plan, that is

To become a specialist
To present papers at international level
To meet back my professors in Egypt especially Dr. Hussein and Dr. Shenoufy

Dr. Shen's advice was for me to pick a lifestyle first before I pick a career. As of yet, I am still undecided of what lifestyle to settle with, but at the pace I'm going, Surgery is where I'm heading to.

2016

I only fulfilled the first of many of last year's resolution. With no regret, let's do resolution again this year.

This 2016, I wish:

1) to go farther
2) make better memories
3) serve my family more
4) properly believe in "love and set free"
5) finish each posting in time