When you're invested in an idea, something bigger, you move on from the everyday people.
I should do that too. It's the adult thing to do, haha. Despite that, I do think doctoring is a good thing to do, just that I should expand it beyond the hospital.
There are some things I'm eying, but mostly I need to focus on studying. I forgot how to do that. And my tax filing. Still need to write a lot of things down. Oh damn.
Today I met my favourite people from all my previous postings: waved at Dr. Yufi who shrugged his eyebrows back, Dr. Afnan who grinned when he saw me and me asking him to pray for me to be happy, abengoh who kept pestering me to smile, and ended the day helping bro with his logbook.
Bro said I wasn't being myself. He said I am usually hyped but I'm not, and I never was unenthusiastic about my job but I was. I merely stared at him, somewhat proud he was paying attention but questioning if he sees through me surely my superiors in O&G can too. And I said "well I'm not feeling myself too."
Then he left me to settle his logbook while he went and accidentally took a nap, that bastard.
My parents told me to do my best and just be happy without thinking about it. I am trying.. I need a hug and have been going around giving people one, but they rarely hug me back which is making me feel more pathetic. It's quite unnatural to go up to someone and ask for a hug. Maybe I should just cry and get this over with.
Day 19 here, 103 more to go. #HOpalingmanja
In the afternoon I went to the admin to ask where I'm going to in sixth posting. Kak Ainaa said rosters are not finalized yet. That's when I noticed his file on the top of her desk corner and I thought, what kind of omen is this?
Then I met Mr. Tar asking him where he wants me posted. He said "Kuala Krai, kedua Kota Bharu, ketiga Tanah Merah." I smirked and thought of asking why not somewhere else farther, but I realized I will go farther anyway later.
I was napping in the afternoon when my phone rang and it woke me up. It was a call from Mr. Tarmizi the Paed Surgery Consultant. I blinked and stood up, making sure my GCS was full and fully oriented before I pick up the call. I had experience answering in drowsy state with embarrassing effect.
Mr. Tarmizi asked me where I was.
Told him I was at home.
"Are you not working?"
"I am postcall boss."
"Are you joining the Masterclass in two weeks?"
"InshaAllah I will. I will apply leave once I enter Paediatric the day after tomorrow."
"What about the APSA in October?"
"APSA? Yeah Dr. Vicky mentioned to me about this but I haven't decided yet. What is it exactly?"
"Asean Paed Surgery Association, meeting in Prince Court. If you are joining I will find the sponsorship for the RM400 fee for you."
I hesitated. I haven't think so far as to that yet. Didn't even reply V's message either.
"Not sure Mr. Tar. I haven't spoke to my father about this yet."
"Why? Do you have to ask permission to get sponsorship?" I can picture boss calculative grinning as he said this.
"I haven't ask about going yet hehe."
"If you're aiming for the programme then might as well join the path."
"Okay boss. InshaAllah I'll join. Thank you."
"Okay."
And that's it. Mr. Tar is doing his part as a good mentor and I am one hell of a lucky person. Now I have to do my part; study smart and hard to show my gratitude.
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Today I went to the clinic to settle my exit Ortho procedure and met Mr. Yusof to thank him and apologise for all my comebacks. The event itself is a blog post worthy so I'll write properly later.
Afterwards I said my thanks to Abelong Fadhil who grinned his usual saying he didn't remember teaching me anything, but I know I remember compartment syndrome management and post spinal op complications because of doing rounds with him, plus he's the first person who praised my skin suturing was pretty and that as hell gave me confidence to practice more suturing under Poknik.
Poknik on the other hand grinned and brushed me off. Haha. Yeah you should see me saying goodbye to him. I strolled into his clinic, held my hand up in a hi and tastelessly said "Hari last saya dalam Ortho ni. Bye. Terima kasih Dr. Nik banyak mengajar dan bersabar dengan saya."
"Takdo lah bersabar mano.. hok ni lagi banyok keno bersabar!" He pointed at Mimi sitting in front of him.
He said we'll see each other again and I may even end up as an Orthopaedic MO one day.
"You're into surgical based, right?"
"I am."
I hesitated as I answered Poknik that. I told him once I would probably end up as an Orthopaedic Surgeon if I am not ear-marked by Mr. Tar. Kak Lin came into his clinic when I said my goodbye and pat my shoulder when Poknik said that and told him
"She's going to become a Paed Surgeon."
You know what. I am going to help him with his research. I may not make it as his colleague in Orthopaedic but I am going to do this, because I want to. This is me showing my gratitude to the department which taught me a hell lot. I learned a lot of skills here in Orthopaedic so much more than when I was in Surgical, probably in part because I am a third poster in Ortho as opposed to being a first poster in Surgery.
Today was EMSA gathering. I got roped in by Abang Nipah aaargh as my dad's namesake I cannot defy him. Anyway I was looking after the registration and updating the Facebook as we commenced.
Nash arrived, saw me at the counter and smiled. As always I was smitten, but then he said
"Dah study ke untuk September?"
I facepalmed. "Kenapa buat saya stresssss."
"Ye la nak exam kan kena la study."
My God. I love this guy but really. Why is everyone talking about exam? #cries
Later Bang Nipah piled on more job for me and handed down his title to Nash because he will soon sit for his Year 2 exam and go for Year 3 which will be tougher on his time. Nash grinned at me and started piling jobs on me as well.
And they got me. Damn they know I can't say no to them.
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Today updated on Mr. Zaidi's Facebook was him granted the title Dato'. Wow. Just, wow. Mr. Zaidi my surgeon kesayangan, the cute surgeon with "seluar macam nak terlondeh" as dad said haha is now a Dato'. I cannot imagine calling him Dato' Zaidi bwahaha he's too cute for datoship.
Anyway of course I was happy and congratulated him on Facebook. Of course I immediately messaged Gossipmonger Luqman asking what have Mr. Zaidi done to earn that title.
Mr. Zaidi replied me with "Tq future surgeon Dr. Atiqah" and I blushed bwahahahahaha okay now I must study for MRCS. But I'm busy
1) EMSA news x 1 (ala buat la cepat nanti basi)
2) taip balik natang ape tu (important not urgent)
3) study Orthopaedic cepat la nak EOP esok lusa
4) compiling list to buy books
5) project research with Poknik
6) self project blast injury ape citer
7) case summary malrotation in Hirschsprung ni ape citer
But mostly I want to do nothing. Esok aku oncall balik, Orthobay pulak tu, I really want to just sleep tonight.
My MO was making conversation. Asking where I graduated from, where I'm from, tak puashati when I said I'm a Kelantanese but I don't speak Kelantan much.
"Awak dah kahwin?"
I never like it when a guy asks if I'm married or not.
"Belum."
"Akan?"
My life flashed through that moment as I thought it seemed impossible in this near future. Aku akan kahwin dengan sape? So I answered a short "Tak."
MO sounded surprised. "Tak?"
Then I realised how my answer sounded like. Couldn't have been gayer hahah.
"Eh I mean. Takde la 'akan' tapi bukannya 'tak'. Adeh."
He laughed. "Lucu la awak ni."
Kenapa orang tanya kahwin dah ke? Kenapa tak tanya dah ada plan for Master ke, beli rumah dah ke...
(Haru: Sebab perempuan normal kahwin dulu baru pikir pasal Master, hahaha)
Mom has been suggesting me to buy a car. Finally they are admitting I need my own car to wreck (havoc in). Like the good daughter I am, I went with mom's first choice of model and colour. A Ford Fiesta in True Red colour.
She's buying from her staff's husband which makes it all easier for me. Encik Ehsan came over to our place on my off day today and let me test drive the car. I told him I'm a low maintenance person, as long as it's fuel efficient, has an easily accessible service center and can go fast real fast (I sprinted up to 100km/h in the city, felt bad for him if I went overboard) I am okay.
He said he'll send the car for service since he understands my workload. Bwahaha that sealed the deal, but I would have bought the car anyway. We don't mind waiting as long as we get the True Red colour (mom chose and it does suit my on-road demonic nature) and a 6565 plate number.
I paid RM1000 booking fee and we're paying 50% down payment and applying for a 3-year car loan. Encik Aman from Kuwait Finance called me and said I am illegible for three years since I have a house loan, but I told him I am applying three years because in three years time I am paying for my house loan. He said he'll rearrange and need my house loan offer letter in the meantime.
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So to review my adulthood checklist:
1) career aim and progress -checked
2) apartment -checked
3) car -checked
4) other half -hmm oh well
5) other income -yeah this one is next. I yet to reapply to buy stocks after my last visit there.
6) Russian Blue cat -after I establish my own place
Dad was telling us the story of one houseman who was extended for knowledge reason ("she didn't remember the doses" and I was stricken. Come on we have Frank Shann, don't we?) in his workplace and she cried in front of him because she didn't want to be extended. Flabbergasted dad who was with his specialist asked the lady specialist to handle her.
Turned out the houseman didn't want to be extended because of one particular MO who kept on scolding them for no good reason. The specialists didn't know of this and thus will start digging.
"Is the MO a he or a she?" I asked.
"She," dad replied.
"Of course. Is she married?"
"No."
"I know it!"
"Unmarried ladies are always so bitter," or so mom said. Then she turned to me. "Kakngah hurry and get married."
"Okay I'll go tackle someone now." I answered mom with a straight face. "I have eyes on one MO but he's in Sarawak now. My HO friend said the MO likes me."
"Don't tackle anyone. If he likes you, just tell him to ask his mom to come meet me."
"Okay I'll do that tomorrow."
Hahaha that was too easy. I wonder what's stopping me from really doing this.
So the Surgery family has been borderline pestering me about the Singapore Trauma Conference and I finally succumbed to peer pressure and making it a reality. Okay, actually I'll have more regrets not going then going. Mom and dad said it's up to me whether to go or not to go and I already told them I'll be meeting my MOs there.
Bureaucracy is a pain but as an adult (bwahaha) I have endured and shall present to you what I have done so far. And because tomorrow is my off day and as an adult I will use it productively.
1- I have registered and the organiser is saving me a spot. How kind.
2- I paid using my saving account 4 days ago but only today realised the amount was credited back. So I borrowed my dad's card (I cancelled my supplementary card already) and paid via Visa just now.
3- I have met my Ortho HOD (during the event I am hopefully an Ortho HO) and he has signed my borang cuti! Weehu! Three days yeaaaha! Friday for travel and I want to squeeze in meeting the cousins, Saturday and Sunday conference day!
4- Mr. Mad asked me to meet Miss Maz who is the HO coordinator for Ortho. She was in OT today so I'm using my off day tomorrow to go meet her in her clinic, introduce myself as her soon-HO, arrange my tagging period properly and hopefully not leave a bad first impression as the "HO yang minta cuti sebelum start posting".
5- I have bought the tickets! Cost me a good RM4xx but what's money compared to this opportunity. To be frank half of me just wanted to hang out with these people. The other half is excited for the topics and to ziarah The Li Family, haha. And a tiny bit is beaten by all these forms filling. I have yet to arrange for accommodation.. Remind me to finalise it tomorrow.
6- Which is why I wish to have lunch with Dr. Vicky and exchange plans. But I bet he rarely eats nowadays and he'll be in the OT and invite me in. I will remember to bring my OT clothes ready but I will hesitate to join in..
7- .. because despite my list of adult things to do, I have my exit viva on Tuesday and should study for it. Kata nak lepas masuk Ortho, haha... Not funny Atiqah, don't laugh. Study la budak ni.
8- Also I'm going to the lawyer's office tomorrow to sign papers on the house loan.
9- Then to the bank to apply for a credit card. I tried twice online then the stupid thing logged me out. I have no patience for inefficient process. If they tell me to fill the forms online I am going to exercise my right as a customer. Haha.
Okay. Next is study. I'm still not good at how to start OHA or Mixtard.
Dr. Ann and Dr. Ezzati came to ward to review one patient to post for surgical Tenckhoff.
Dr. Ann: Awak kan yang nak amik MRCS?
Me: Yes, plan September ni. Camne Kak Ann tahu?
Dr. Ann: Satu department tahu.
Me: My God camne satu department tahu?
Dr. Ann: Antenna kitorang kuat.
I want to be the kind of wife my husband comes running to when he is scared. Like our prophet and his wife Saidatina Khadijah.
I haven't figure out how yet. Maybe I need to get married first.
The other day Dayah was telling me stories of our playboy superior who despite married twice and once divorced, went after one of our HO colleague. Dayah told me she somewhat understood why he acted that way "because of his troubled marriage with his overbearing wife."
"But isn't love a verb?" I asked her. "When things go wrong we should work on it and settle it, not run away from it."
"Maybe because I'm married so I could see this," she began. "But it takes a very strong and pious person to really work on the marriage and not bail when things go wrong."
Have I been a too idealistic person? Thinking too much and doing none?
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Mom is telling me to marry a doctor because then he would understand my circumstances. The first question is who. Should I start listing all my single and available male colleagues? It feels cheap to do so.
Other things on my mind is my career path. I understand dad wanting me to finish HO first before delving into this issue because the hanging and uncertain fate of a HO is real and I am feeling it now. Dad just wants me to have a clear mind and calm heart to get on with my current status as a HO.
Thinking about the future is tiring. All I want is to cycle somewhere green and lay on the grass by the river bank and sleep.
Truthfully I have no idea what I like best in Surgery, besides the people, but I know the best thing in Medical for me is peritoneal dialysis, simply because I can cut and suture people. One time we had a near-traumatic PD case that we managed to control before calling in the Surgical team, and I am proud to say I was the one of the HO who managed the damage control situation.
I like it to a point I'm thinking of doing a study on it. Now I'm thinking of where should I start.. And who to ask for guidance from. I once asked Dr. V to teach me how to write papers. Back then he was busy. Rightfully my mentor in Medical is Dr. Wan Hasnul, a nephrologist. And my dad Master thesis was on nephrotic syndrome.
This has potential.
Today dad came back from sending Innova for a tyre check and announced to me:
"Kakngah, beli rumah."
Me: Okay.
It's an RM700k about 1110 sq ft three-bedroom apartment in the city. Dad had it all figured out. I'm in, since buying an apartment is already in my plan set to motion once I start working.
But I kept thinking is the price right for a first apartment.
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I always thought dad encouraging me to buy property is his sign of apologising. He has three daughters and two properties. His will states that those two are going to my younger sisters.
I hope he knows that I'm cool about it. I can come and go as I want. I don't want to be tied down.
I want to be a person who doesn't complain of hardship, but many years later on a fine night will reminiscent those crappy days while enjoying tea. I do believe I'm too old for complaining anyway.
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Hello. Some might know that I have received my job offer letter in the mail on Sunday. This makes me a likely candidate for the July placement thus inshaAllah will start working in August.
I'm not exactly excited about it as my earlier tinge of frustration was from my unemployed state and with this news, thankfully put a deadline to the status. Impartial will be a good description. I didn't bring this topic up among my friends because I understand their ranges of frustration from their letter yet to arrive. But it's hard to feel sorry for us when we have friends who haven't graduated yet.
On another note, I have gotten used to this sedentary lifestyle where my concerns are the speck of dust on the floor and what time will I sleep today. This news means I'm eligible for duit raya this year so please don't pretend otherwise.
In the mean time, I'm planning to do some landscaping, spring cleaning the house and whatnot. Maybe bake things for Raya and bring some to the hospital if Sarah and Kak Raihan work that day.
Haru & Associates