i wish we will always be kind

The first time I needed help on a personal level in HTA was when I was oncall first time there but I forgot my charger at home. 

My battery was around half when I asked for help from my Ward 11A staffs that night, if anyone has a type C charger. I was met with frowning eyes and harsh tones "dah tahu oncall kenapa tak bawa charger".

That happened last week but even writing this now made me cry. It will always hurts how deeply those words cut. 

I left the ward. I asked the guard up front if she had a type C cable. Although she was echoing the same eyes and tone, she showed me her charger to see whether it was what I needed. It wasn't. I thanked her and left. 

I went to Ward 11D but I stopped myself from asking the staffs because although I feel the staffs in 11D were nicer than in 11A, I didn't want to risk experiencing the same thing not so soon. Then I remembered there were Ortho HOs in that ward usually stationed at the computer station behind the counter so I went there.

It was empty, but there was a charger at the power point below the computer. I went for it and it was a type C. Thank God... I stayed there for a while to charge my phone. It was just a short while before I had to leave. 

I was in the procedure room looking for a vein when my battery died. It was almost 4am and I didn't even rest save for praying Asar, Maghrib and Isya in one sitting at 9pm before going to ED. I left the ward and ran to 11D to look for that charger but it wasn't there. I guess the owner went to rest and took it with him/her. 

Then I realised the people who would definitely have a charger in the hospital are the patients. Realising that, I went inside every cubicle, during that 4am, asking every awake mom if she has a type C charger. Every single one of those awake mother would, without asking any question, show me their charger to see if it was what I needed. 

It was the fourth mother I approached who had a type C charger. Cheah's mother. I borrowed it, got a half full, before I dropped it back in her paper bag because she was back asleep by the time I was done. 

So Dear Atiqah,

whenever anyone need your help, don't question their need. Just help or do not. Imagine them being you and how much it takes for you just to ask, so please always be kind. 

Be kind because Allah has been kind to you, be kind because people have been kind to you. And I will always be kind to you. I promise I will always be kind to you. 

Just don't expect the same from anyone else and you'll be okay. It's okay. We're gonna be alright. 

payau masak kicap

Atteh's father is previously a hunter and they grew up on game meat in Kinabatangan. He said his mom is famous for payau masak kicap and that that's his favourite.

That night we went for dusk safari before dinner and we kept seeing sambar deer. But all I could see was payau masak kicap. 

salut d'amour

Today I passed in front of one of the patients' room and I heard salut d'amour playing from a child's music box. 

The room was occupied by a 2 months old Chinese patient who had an eventful neonatal period with multiple surgeries done, and this time presented with another pathology. 

The child was being discharged today and I thought, how classy. I passed in front of it few more times because it's one of my favourite piece (I particularly enjoy Itzhak Perlman's recording) and I always listen to it whenever I want to feel loved. 

The child must have been so loved. 

day 2 in hta

It's a computerised hospital and has so many patients in a ward, and we have like 3 wards? I'm starting to pick up but apparently not fast enough.

I forgot how time flies as I was swamped with work and Dato' said to me today "Time in KL moves fast. If you're still in Kelantan or Sabah time you will be behind. If the patient went down to USG at 2pm, we want the report by 1.55pm."

Well that makes total sense. 

In a way I'm glad at least he remembers where I'm from. Or perhaps I shouldn't. Sorry Mr. Tar and Mr. Mughni, Atiqah is a disgrace.

Today in HTA the junior service MOs were complaining to one another how their own colleagues left them shits. I just sat in between them, in front of the computer, doing my work with a small smile and keeping silent. 

I'm not here to change anyone, I'm not here to tell anyone how to live their life. I'm here to lay low and learn. 

Then Durrah turned to me "Dekat Likas pun ada ke service MO yang buat kerja sambil lewa?" 

I smirked. "Dekat mana2 pun ada benda macam tu."

I guess that's how this life is. Either you stay long and find yourself turning into a villain, or you transform for the better into a trainee. 

to become a surgeon who can plan a service

reported duty to our program coordinator and head of paed surgery unit UM prof shireen. the first thing she said was "there are so many people applying but only 3 of you were chosen. remember that. don't make us regret choosing you." she said so on first day online and second day when we met her at the ward. laughingly, but point taken. 

copuk applied twice. chip applied twice. i applied once and got accepted, the heck? what am i doing here? what were the committee thinking of the Atiqah that i portrayed? what does that say about the applicants? 

people have faith in me but heck why don't i? hahahaha God, help.

she emphasized that master program is a challenging and transformative journey from being a service MO whose duty is "to show up and get things done" to a trainee whose duty is to become a surgeon who can plan a service. 

"but it can be an enjoyable roller coaster ride."

---

we have noble intent. i don't want to save the world like tharisini did, i just want to give back what i have been given. i think i reflected this in my essay for UM. i had no energy to write much so i just gave them a 2 paragraphs one.

REASONS FOR WISHING TO UNDERTAKE THIS COURSE

AND FUTURE CAREER PLANS AFTER COMPLETION OF COURSE

Coming from a medical professional household, it has been ingrained since my childhood that I will one day partake in medical field. I have the fortune of being involved in Paediatric Surgery since my first practice as a house officer in 2015 and have been under the tutelage of great teachers in this field from Hospital Raja Perempuan Zainab II Kelantan and Hospital Wanita dan Kanak-kanak Sabah. The journey has been humbling and enlightening thus the next rational step is to further my studies, since there is limitation in what I can offer as a humble medical officer and I believe there is more to offer once I become a gazetted surgeon in terms of expanding the service.

This world is beyond me. My future career plans will be service to the outreach community as to extend the health equity and this will also indulge me with the beauty and tranquility of the district nature and the humbling community. I plan to further my subspecialty for self and professional development in Urology as there lies my special interest, with research activities pertaining to this field.

---

Urology, because Dr. Shenoufy is a urologist. Damn I love that man, the mere mention of his name brings tears to my eyes.

211021: in today's episode of Going Where You're Not Supposed To

Ms Haz said if I think my life now is huru hara, it is way more huru hara when I enter the programme.

She didn't exactly encourage me but she told me I have nothing else to do anyway and why did I went to Lahad Datu if it wasn't to pursue Master (I hitched and almost told her the truth of wanting to get away from the drama that was Likas). She signed my contract form as a witness, but her words has been subtlely telling me to think about this. 

She told me to ask my MOs namely Luqman. 

"Well Luqman didn't suggest. And he didn't respond when I complained to him."

She nodded. "Luqman is a person who wants chill life."

Hadi said if I want to quit, I better quit now. Because it will feel worse when I enter the programme.

That's the thing. I can still hold out now. I'm overwhelmed but I'm doing things one by one. I'm checking boxes. I'm getting there, some day.

Should I quit on the basis of not wanting to get through the worst of it? I am lazy and I hate studying, I had a hard time studying for MRCS God that was the worst for my mental health. And I have no reason not to pursue Masters other than because I hate studying.

Reasons to pursue: well there's plenty. There's no use for a mere MO in Paediatric Surgery. 

just an email

Help, I'm feeling overwhelmed again.

I'm at home. We're heading for kampung the day after tomorrow. I've to print some documents and pack my bags. There's the verification slip from UM that I still haven't received yet, my colleague has. I just realised so today and have emailed to UM for confirmation. It's a Sunday so probably they'll reply me cm.

It's just that, I think. But I'm over my head. I feel like running away now. 

I need to calm down. Help. Where's my safe place here? 

dancing dangerously in the moonlight

Smooth, kind and polite easily mistaken for interest, sadly non committal. That is us with each other. We don't change. 

Our game of beautiful full moon is a dangerous one, whenever it happens it make me do things I shouldn't do. Like texting you. 

And now that you know I'm coming and with your promises of free lunch, I sincerely hope our path doesn't cross. 

buaya mengkabung

Today in clinic as I wrapped up my review, I saw that my patient was from Kg Mengkabung, Tuaran.

"Mak, rumah kau tepi Sungai Mengkabung itu kah?"

"Iya doktor."

Excitement level raised exponentially. "Kau ada bot sendiri kah?"

"Kami ada doktor."

I was then grinning giddy out of my seat. "Ada nampak buaya kah baru2 ni?"

"Ada doktor. Dua ekor mereka depan rumah kami. Orang kampung kasi makan."

I was running out of my cubicle "Misssss patient kata depan rumah dia ada buayaaaa" but then I remember my teammates are not fond of crocodiles. Also I'm a doctor and we shouldn't be running in clinic praising God for crocodile sighting. Anyway the mother was obviously amused.

"Minggu lalu aku pergi sana ada pakcik bawa naik bot tapi tidak pula aku jumpa buaya."

"Ada nama mereka tu doktor."

Ada namaaaaaa? I wanna make friends! "Nama apa mereka?"

"Si Gagah sama si Siti."

Wth hahahahaha. 

things ms haz said to me as she signed my contract

"Hidup awak untuk 4 tahun seterusnya ni akan huru hara. Awak akan berdepan dengan situasi yang mencabar prinsip hidup awak, corruption and unfairness. Asalkan tidak bercanggah dengan prinsip agama, asalkan awak sedar yang awak tak boleh kawal situasi tapi awak boleh kawal reaksi diri sendiri.

Selagi mampu, teruskan. Kalau tak mampu, jangan huru harakan hidup awak." 

"Tidak perlu menabung RM10 sehari 4 tahun untuk beli binocular Swarovski. Dapat tunggakan gaji bila awak lulus nanti awak boleh beli 2 biji binocular terus."

atiqah dapat master UM

Thursday, 30.9.21

I was oncall. My calendar said HLP result was today. Ahh bad mood already. My old MOs and friends asked me if I got it and some even congratulated me for getting in because we have small fraternity and they knew already. I was just trying to avoid the inevitable and told every one of them

"I'm oncall. Bz."

Which I really was. 

Friday 1.10.21

Still busy. My surgeon told me to go check while we're waiting for patient to be induced. I went and checked but all the hospital computers couldn't access the website. Whatever, got work to do. 

Near 4pm, Pali texted me asking "any good news?" 

I told him I had a busy oncall postcall and will check later. And then I said "will update". 

I got into my car and checked. God, why. I'm accepted into UM. I then texted Hadi that I'm accepted. And then the family group. And Pali of my result. Then I called dad and mom. And I called Mr. Mughni. And then I called Mr. Tar.

And then I sat in my car thinking why the hell did I tell them. I should just kept it to myself and then reject it. Now they know, I can't not accept it. 

Whatever. I'm not accepting it yet. I habe until 15th 5pm to do so. In the mean time, let's go masuk hutan first. 

Saturday, 2.10.21

Kinabalu Park looking for trogon. Heard it but didn't make contact but found hair crested drongo and a Borneon whistler, a spotted ground snake threading the trail in front of me and many leeches. 

Sunday, 3.10.21

Oncall. 

I went early to dress the burn kid in PPNR OT ICU because I wanna talk to Abehe. On the way there I talked to myself, what is it I'm hesitant about. Am I scared? Of what? Of studying? God I really hate studying. Of being asked questions during rounds and cannot answer it? And embarrass myself and my parents and surgeons? Ah. 

So I told Abehe I got UM and I asked him for advice because I'm hesitant.

He told me to go for it because if I reject it, I wouldn't be able to take it for another 2 years. He said to go for it, because I wouldn't know what I couldn't do until I do it. 

"Semua orang pun malas study sebelum masuk master. Dah masuk memang takde option lain dah."

I later went to clinic to settle my oncall claim. Ms Haz walked in from her lunch and saw me and

"Atiqah! Ooo dapat master tak bagitahu ye! Sombong!" 

"Busy oncall.. Busy postcall.. Busy masuk hutan.." 

What could I tell my HOD when I couldn't even bring myself to accept it?

And then this afternoon UM sent an email and when I read the notification I audibly gasped everyone looked at me asking what's wrong. Fuck it I haven't accepted the HLP yet UM sent an email already. I then turned to them and bowed. 

"Saya nak mengumumkan bahawasanya saya dapat Masters."

The staff nurses were happy for me. I'm like, what? 

shasha calling me out for whatever closet that i am

During Malaysia's Day I went for kopitiam with Shasha. She saw Emperor Penpen in my car and asked if I like cartoon characters. So I told her Penpen is Junho from 2PM and she's like

"Ohh so you're a Hottest!"

She was dropping names like "Uri Jib" "Heya Hae" and damn this girl knows. But she said she likes girl group better.

"I like guys."

"BTS?"

"Too cute for me. I'm talking about men. Older men."

"Manly men?"

I gave a sideway look. She knows. She definitely knows.

"I like their newer songs more actually, since Michigo Aniya era till now. Their songs are getting-" 

"-Perverted."

I couldn't turn fast enough. Damn she's calling me out hahaha. "I mean better." But hey that works too.

I've actually been running Jun K songs nowadays. It just crossed my mind to see Slip and Slide translations and bro... This dude really been having fun eh. 

goodbye Benji sweet boy

Last night, I started my shift with the news of our Benji passing in the COVID ward Melur 1. 

I didn't feel anything actually. Mostly just concerned regarding his cause of death and whether we played a major role in contributing to it. If I were working with the team I would have asked Boss about this, but I'm in COVID rotation now. Anyhow I continued my rounds.

Then Meryem texted me asking if I'm still at the hospital. I think she might have thought I was AM shift instead. So I told her I'm PM and doing my rounds.

She asked for a favour. For me to return Benji's blanket to his parents. She took it last time to get it laundered and never got around to return it. She left the blanket in our MO room.

So I excused myself to Kah Yin, telling her I'm going to Melur 1 for a bit to say goodbye to Benji. I took the blanket and went down. 

Benji's parents were in the COVID side hallway while I stood there at the edge 4 meters away from them. The donned SN passed the blanket to them silently. The parents were masked on, looking solemn but calm.

"Mak. Jessylah, saya Dr. Atiqah dari Pembedahan Kanak-kanak." I paused awkwardly, my voice almost shouting. "Takziah dari kami."

The father thanked me. The mother observed the blanket she received.

"Saya pulangkan blanket Benzion. Dr. Meryem ambil haritu untuk cuci."

She nodded. I shuffled on my feet. It was uncomfortable. 

"Jaga diri ya."

She nodded again. I bowed slightly and left. That's when Meryem message came in asking me to send them her regards. I hesitated. I did mention her name and said condolences on our behalf. That should be enough? I should get back to Melur 3 for passover and night round. 

So I left. In the elevator ride I thought how awkward, cold I was. A child died and that's all I said. Well what else would I do differently? I don't know.

I don't feel sad because I saw this coming since the day his bowel perforated few days ago and all we could do was insert a drain for him. High support with almost inaccessible IV line, his death was imminent. But now he is no longer in pain and he is going to heaven. He's in a much better place now.

It's us adults who have to answer as to why this happen to him. 

lose things

I'm losing stuffs and can't think of where I left them.

My external harddisk. It's 1TB or something and it's empty.

My extra charger.

My favourite red Captain America shirt.

I'm old and scattered-brain but I'm not stupid. I usually put my stuffs in particular places so if they're not there means they're not there.

The only place I could think is I probably left them when I went to Nexus Resort. But really, did I? I don't know. 

miss has faith in me, but she shouldn't have

Took a long drive today to Tenom. Up there on Kimanis I saw an eagle so close, but it was actually me being high up on the hill near to its nest. At a glance it looked like a serpent crested eagle as it swooped down into the lush trees. And then the view of the sea was so far away but magnificent nonetheless.

Coming down I saw a stretch of cloud over the town down the valley. My breath was taken and downhill was ominous as per every time I drive through a forest shrouded in the clouds. 

Down down down. The small town of Tenom reminded me of Limbang and the journey out reminded me of Lahad Datu with the hilly road and palm oil estates. My landmark has always been health facilities, and the farthest accessible on a sporty compact car via asphalt road was Kuala Tomani and thus where I headed. I blasted to Michigo Aniya and I realised this playlist should be renamed to Renji Club On Wheels. 

Fiery red rambutans hanging heavy on trees. I was tempted to stop by and pluck them but oh hi there long tailed macaques. 

I stopped somewhere safe to check my map. If I head west I can reach Brunei. If I head straight south I can reach Indonesia. I have my passport with me as usual. Where should I go from here? 

Nisa texted and suggested we go for lunch. So I headed back to town. 

postcall dimaafkan buat onar

Got intus malam2. MO ini pantas resus patient, ni macam long segment ni. Call MO Radio kasitau nak buat USG reduction awal pagi esok. Ambil consent siap2 untuk reduction dan laparotomy. Resus all night.

Datang pagi dan ready untuk tolak patient ke bawah. Surgeon tanya dah ambil consent untuk laparotomy? Sudah, OT list pun sudah saya lengkapkan. Surgeon angguk tanda bangga bagus budak ni.

Surgeon tanya mana borang USG dia nak counter sign.

MO ini bukak mulut nak jawab then tergamam. Oh hahaha aku lupa tulis form! The heck everything done, OT list isi tapi borang USG takde. Surgeon turut gelak bersama, nasib baik ada penjarakan fizikal kalau tak belakang aku sudah kena hempuk.

Teammates yang lain pantas tuliskan borang ultrasound sementara dua orang ini gelak mengenangkan apa la nak jadi. 

a hypothetical 5 years old Junho who when asked to come eat, screamed back "it's none of your business!"

I'm gonna get two cats and name them Seungri and Junho. Seungri is the black and white chatty cat. Junho is the judging fierce cat but is actually a clingy softie. I imagine him warm coloured and regal. 

Two cats because they can play with each other and not be that lonely, since I'd be busy.

But heck I am just barely keeping myself alive, all my plants died and I've had 3 turtles, 3 fishes and 2 chicks died under my care. What would become of two cats. 

I've been finishing ward's floor stock of piriton

Last week I had a bad case of allergy. I started itching over my back and noticed welt marks over my neck and shoulder and my legs. All over them. Belatedly only I realised I had the same marks across the entirety of my back. I didn't went into any forest prior to the lesion appearance so I thought it was bed bugs. I cleaned all my linen and it hasn't gotten worse.

It started to dry up over the past week and I didn't put anything over it. I don't like local creams and it's systemic anyway. IV hydrocortisone will just upset my stomach plus it's delayed anyway. Too much hassle. I just took Piriton almost every night.

Only that it's really drying up today. My back is scaly, like I'm molting. And when skin is dry, it itches. I remember the advices I always tell my burn patients. They need to apply oil on the drying lesion so that it remains moist and doesn't itch.

I feel like scrubbing my whole back and oil it down but ahh how. 

today is my last 30

I thought I'd do one of those TCA Review but I got bored and couldn't think of any recent answers. Except my favourite time now is 2PM.

What's going on nowadays is that 2PM made a comeback. I've long known of their Hands Up thus equated them to party people, I know Taecyeon and Nickhun but that's about it. I've never known anything more. 

You know how old my playlists are, and that I rarely bother to keep up with new songs but this one, I don't know, this comeback resonates with the 30 years old me. Their Make It exuded a different level of sexy masculinity vibe, so much that I've never thought the game Kiss, Marry, Kill could apply to me until now and I'd fluidly answer Junho, Nickhun and Taecyeon to that. And save me, Lee Junho is the first person in the entirety of my life that I describe as fuckable. 

It's wrong to objectify a person, I'm sorry Junho but I'm not sorry... Them promoting them as sexy masculine is downright a great bet. Take all my money, you have my dignity anyway. I'm gonna go to hell for this. 

Cleansing my thoughts with this. 

Ah but really, vibe aside, their vocals are no joke. Jun K has the most soothing soulest tenor ever and I like how his song-writings are poetic. Never did I thought I'd enjoy soul jazz so much I played his solo albums on repeat. Albums, not a single song. That's how good he is. 

Dr. Alexandra Solomon said - liking a person makes you human. Letting them know makes you brave. As such, my aim for the coming year is to fast everyday or go jogging everyday. 

smart kids

I was in the PPNR elevator going to the 4th floor and held the door open for a boy being wheeled in by his dad with the number 7 on the back of the wheelchair. The staff nurse escorting was holding a piece of what looked like an abdominal xray. 

I've never seen the kid before but I think I know this case. 

"Ray kah ini?" I asked the staff nurse. She nodded. I introduced myself as a surgical MO and asked to see the AXR. "Pergi buat ultrasound ya tadi?" 

"Ya. Belum siap lagi report."

The xray looked okay. He looked comfortable crossed leg on the wheel chair, with his thick black framed glasses and mask on. 

We exchange eye contact. The kid stared at me and asked "Bagaimana doktor kenal aku?" 

I've known of Ray the long term patient in Transplant Ward who's been having non resolving fever and required twice CVL insertion for his marrow transplant. This morning my colleague passed over that they referred him to us last night because he had abdominal pain yesterday. They were doing an ultrasound abdomen for him today. 7th floor is where the Transplant Ward is and last I heard there's only Ray there. 

I've never review him myself but I put two and two together. 

"Kerusi kau tulis nombor 7. Kau sorang ja kan di tingkat 7?"

They chuckled. "Ada lagi seorang baru masuk doktor."

jehoonie oppa

Miss Haz's laptop has a flickering screen so she's in the talk to get a new one. We were promoting iPad Pro versus MacBook to her so I ran up to ward to get my iPad to show to her.

That's how Boss and Miss saw Je Hoon oppa on my wallpaper.

Miss was pointing it out calling him "oppa" and commenting this and that I forgot. I told them I don't have other picture on my iPad. Which is the truth, but even so I'm not putting anyone but Oppa as my wallpaper.

"Letak la gambar Miss Haz," Boss said while taking out his phone and showed the picture from yesterday's Kak Ros and Anes farewell party.

---

I'm currently watching Hospital Playlist, I've done till the latest S2E4 and waiting for E5 to drop. In the mean time I'm watching Nevertheless.

It's not my cup though. He's a playboy and she just dumped her cheating boyfriend. They are horny youngsters and I'm an old chimp. Am I that bored? I guess so.

I think she should stop and stay away. But I understand why she's not. He's clear that he's non committal and at the same time professed his interest and damn him, his care. He took care of her. That's why although she saw all the red flags of how dangerous of a game this is, she still kisses him first.

The drama is a no go. I like to live in denial that nowadays younguns are pure. 

put your hands up, put your hands up, put put put put put

Today in clinic a 12 years old boy walked in referred for circumcision under GA for ADHD. He at a glance looked mentally normal and just a tad taller than me. I greeted them, clerked him concisely short of examining him. Then I stood up and said "Sebentar saya cari doktor lelaki."

Before they even ask. Because I try to instill the importance of respecting a kid's sexuality and private parts. 

The only available male doctor was my surgeon so I pulled him in. Hahaha. The kid even kicked his parents out from the examination room. I stood outside the cubicle while my surgeon examined him behind closed curtain. 

While waiting, I reread the referral letter and asked the mother regarding his comorbids. Cerebral palsy with left hand hemiparesis means when was his last fit? What's his current motor function? His mom said he can grip albeit not as strong. 

The kid came out from the examination room. I gave him a thumbs up. He mirrored me and to my surprise plastered his thumb to mine. 

I blinked. That was the first physical contact I've had in quite a long while to be honest. 

I shook myself out of my reverie and told him to do it with his weaker side. He could form a thumbs up but he couldn't lift his arm to match mine. 

I then held up a high five. He matched mine with his good hand. I told him to do it with the other hand. He held it up though it was awkwardly internally rotated. It was a sideway high five.

come back in 2030

Let's just put this out there. In 10 years time by 2030 I would

1. Be a surgeon doing fellowship in complex urology

2. Have presented at ISPSR

3. Have been to a CNBLUE live concert

4. Be proficient to read kanji

5. Be competent in sign language

6. Be married with kids

Today is 04.07.2021. Happy birthday Jehoon oppa, so happy you were born.

atiqah is sometimes a grumpy old soul

One time I had a patient whose name was similar to mine and she's a grumpy old soul who thrashed when I tried to secure her nasogastric tube. She was uncooperative because of my procedure and it has nothing to do with her name but the exasperated me muttered "semua Atiqah memang kena garang ke." The mother chuckled and I immediately said "Mak, nama saya pun Atiqah jugak" in case she thought I was dissing her kid (well I was sort of but mostly dissing myself).

The next day my surgeons all came to see the kid and when they know the kid's name they all went

"Ohh patut pun laaaa pergi telan bateri" while slapping my shoulder and I gave Ms. Haz my 'what' face hahah. 

"Ohh patut la ada meh" said Mr. Mughni with a cheeky smile he has when he's teasing but trying not to offend.

boss, papa, luqman, kak elli, as

Today basically what I did was came to work, quick round saying hi to the kids, went to OT for a 3 hours SSG, had lunch, attended CME then sat in front of Boss as he shared his wisdom.

We were discussing the contract MO issue. He suggested making a legal solidarity, plan a negotiation such as extended 10 years contract, intake to replace the permanent doctors by number, transparency in intake. But not to boycott work because we're ethically bounded. We signed contracts anyway.

I reflected how complacency is a disease, that I owe it to all the ease I'm getting to work harder and progress in my career.

Boss advised to make use of every opportunity. Kalau diberi kerja, ambil. Kalau ada tanah, tanam serai. Kalau ada duit, tolong bisnes kawan.

I shared his wisdom with Meryem because today I've been helping her connect with district MOs. She asked me in the afternoon if I have any contract MO friends in Lahad Datu and Sandakan. I flipped out my phone and called Nicole and Stephy. Haha.

After work, Along mentioned how was dad dealing with the identical twin separated at birth issue. I only read the headline so I went and read the full news first before giving dad a call. We talked about this. He laughed at himself, saying he was the HOD during that time but of course who remember? Especially if its unremarkable. We shared the same insight, that the issue happened what 20 years ago. We would need the casenote first before we talk.

But the most important is to help them now. It happened already and they deserve compensation and ease to change their family registration, but for an inquiry and RCA? It'd be an interesting one. We'll be following it closely.

Dad asked what was I up to, so I told him my discussion with Boss. He lighted up and asked me about the issue too.

As usual dad thanked me for calling him. I really should call more. 

And later after Maghrib Luqman gave me a call. He asked how everything and everyone is. So I talked about our colleagues and surgeons. He told me to have Chief's back and to lend him an ear on his behalf. 

He seemed delighted that I'm warming up to Meryem. I told him that she reminded me of my younger self, how enthusiastic and hard working she is. We both agreed we're both old and enthusiasm running low. 

He asked how Alep and Abehe doing. 

I told him Fadli asked me the other day about him and how I replied "I think he's in UM" nonchalantly. It occurred to me that time as to why would Fadli ask me where Luqman is. Fadli is an observant shit haha. 

He then asked me who knew about Sandakan. I said I didn't tell anyone about it (but he knew I asked for dad's permission before going) and he said he wasn't interrogating. That thought didn't even cross my mind. I told him I know Alep knows because Kudus knows. Kudus were pissed that Luqman ditched him, haha. 

He said it was a good trip. I agree. I still have Kak Nik's and Maslan's plastic containers.

He asked how was the masterclass and I told him as per what I've written about it in the previous post, that I regretted not listening to him in one go.

He said he's trying to live living up to expectations. He's a registrar now, so he's expected to be in OT and read up more and balancing life. He's no longer the first year who goes home by 2pm. He's also smarting up his appearance with tied leather shoes, office shirt, leather belt, none of those scrubs or Skechers. He said he's taking a leaf out of Mr. Mad and Boss Tar's book.

I think he's doing better now he's in UM. I told him that, that he seemed better than when he was in UKM. He replied he's not going to bad mouth UKM but don't even say that 3 letters to him. Haha. I wondered what happened there. 

Anyhow I should learn more from him.

He hung up since he has to do his rounds. I thanked him for calling and wished him a good call. He told me to take care. 

I felt what dad might feel thanking his daughter for calling him. Thank you for considering me a "dear friend". 

I told Kak Elle that I'm a sucker for Lee Je Hoon. And how I can't even look at locals nowadays because help me he's so fine. 

See what I'm talking about. 

I ended tonight social interaction with Aslamiah who made me promise to take good care of myself and don't get warded. I told her that making promises is a mistake. Haha. But I thanked her and told her I appreciate having her.

BAPS masterclass every Saturday 5.30pm Malaysia time

I was doing my oncall rounds yesterday when Luqman texted me a link for BAPS something, telling me "feel free to join now". 

I didn't even hit the link, instead I asked him an unrelated question whether it's worth paying the annual fee for MAPS.

He replied saying I should, enrich myself with knowledge.

I still badger him with MAPS question.

He said to "join now. Have a listen" and only then did I hit the link and it was actually an ongoing international masterclass by BAPS. It was so nice. The lecture was so easy to follow and exam oriented.

I checked the attendance and what do you know, most trainees attended the masterclass. Including our current Likas trainees. So why am I getting the link from Luqman and not from them instead? 

I felt thankful Luqman remembered me. And I thanked him for sharing the link.

I remembered one time Luqman asked me what I think of his attitude and I answered truthfully that he's someone I look up to, that he's responsible and wise although questionable at times but I've decided long time ago that he's reliable so that's it. I restrained myself from oversharing that I actually think of him as an old fart.

I guess I should listen to him properly when it comes to our job. Don't let him tell me thrice.

Today I asked Kumaran why didn't they share the BAPS masterclass with us service MOs. He chuckled and said he actually forgot there was a masterclass and was only reminded of it. And he asked me how did I know of it.

I answered "from my big brother Luqman". 

older kids can go with 3mm. babies probably 2mm but we very rarely graft babies they heal fast most of the time

We were doing SSG. My first SSG since almost 2 years. I missed skinning people haha. Anyhow few snippets from OT today.

---

I posted the case and Alex asked who's going to do the case. I said Mr Fadli or Ms Aini. He asked again which MO was going to do the case, why would a surgeon do the case? I said the surgeons want to come. Makes me admire those days when the surgeons let us do whatever we wanted. I learned SSG from senior MO at that time. 

Alex asked how long will the SSG take place. Well usually SSG takes at least 2 hours but we have another baby KIV to post and I don't want Alex to not call this case. So I bluffed and said "about an hour?" 

"One hour my foot" was what the old man replied hahahaha. 

---

Me and Da Jun were questioning my surgeon. After two times stating her stand she said "I know what I'm doing" and I almost laughed. Poor her why la her senior MOs like this.

---

The mesher wasn't sharp. It made marks on the graft but it didn't go through. Such a hassle making nets by hand. Bila ni last sekali guna mesher? 

---

I burned the bleeders and then debrided some slough that was left and everyone paused because they couldn't implant the donor skin when I wasn't done. Alex stared at me.

"Everyone is staring at you."

I didn't even look up. "Continue staring. Might want to take a picture it'd last longer."

---

I subconsciously hummed to Tchaikovsky violin concerto while suturing. But then I got bored and offered the needle holder to Meryem.

"Yem sambung."

"Tak mau." She said tonelessly. 

She was first to scrub in but I felt like I took over the case from her. Yeah I did hahaha from debriding to setting the dermatome thickness (I told my surgeon it's 3mm but she said 2mm so we went with that but after the first graft I told her it's too thin so we set back the dermatome to 3mm see I know what I'm doing) to choosing the skin carrier to grafting to implanting and whatsit.

"Yem aku dah penattt," I held out the needle holder because I really was bored already.

"Tak mau."

I went back to suturing. 

adulting

I took the day off today for the sake of taking a day off. I got up, loitered around, cooked breakfast, and only decided to actually be productive by noon. I showered, cleaned my room and ironed every single work clothes.

Good for you.

And then I thought, why not get on to those Goals we were talking about. You said you wanted to take a course on writing. Let's do it.

But first. Let's clean up our financials first.

And so I did. Done.

I only consider our salary as fixed income, oncall and etc are considered extra. Based on that, we're spending as such

40% on loan

20% on parents

6% on investment

6% on education fund

12% on rent, phone and entertainment

You can get cheaper rent if you move out but that's not until October I think, cheaper phone bill once the current contract expires in November. Entertainment is just Spotify Premium and Netflix which totalled to RM15.50, keep this and don't be cheap with me.

And the rest 16% for gas, food, groceries and whatever else you spend on. Namely clothes. And little things. Come on Atiqah, we can cut on this. 

I'm proposing

40%

20%

6%

6%

12%

6% new saving, for whatever I don't know

Living on 10% for gas, groceries, food and etc? You do realise on some months you spend 6% on food alone? 

Yes. Thus my point. 

You're suggesting we live frugally? I like going into shops and buy things without looking at price tags. 

We can keep that attitude for groceries. Food, maybe. But clothes, no. You have enough clothes already. 

Little things, just cut them out. 

Okay fair, I can do this. 

Our saving is enough to sustain current lifestyle for ten months of not working. Meaning that's not enough to quit yet. 

How far do you even want to look forward to? 

I don't know. 

Me neither. 

Even if we don't want to look so far ahead, we can give the savings to the kids. 

Let's live frugally a bit. Let's try.

It's the loan that's taking up so much. 

Why do we even bought that place? No one is there. 

Ask dad. 

I did and the answer was satisfactory at that point. Now I think it's useless because no one is using it. It's a trophy place. 

kind radiologists in likas

One time I went to Radio requesting a CT abdomen pelvis for completion of staging and right femur CT screening for recurrence for a metastatic osteosarcoma patient. This kid was admitted on Monday for operation on Wednesday and Boss asked if Radio can do the staging pre op.

Tough. But I went to Radio and asked them anyway. Dr S was in charged of CT that day and this was more or less on urgent side so I requested from him.

He asked when was the operation planned because it was unfair to request on such a short notice. He was busy and he told me to ask other radiologist who will be willing to grant my request. 

I thanked him and went to find Dr. Dian who was in charged of appointment. I presented my case and Dr. Dian and Dr. Teh who was nearby explained to me why my request wasn't indicated. 

Osteosarcoma goes to the lung, that's why they only did CXR follow up and proceeded with CECT thorax when they saw that lung mets. If the primary team has always followed the case up with femur xray and they suspected recurrence, they would have requested an MRI femur. Unnecessary imaging will only bring doubts to your management. Somemore we're the referred team, it was Ortho and Onco being primary for this patient. 

Dr. Dian was per her usual chatty self explained to me while Dr. Teh calmly elaborated on her explanation and they suggested I discuss back with Mr Mughni. 

I went back to my boss and he accepted their explanation. Ms Hazlina said we requested because we're thorough and only wanted to help since the primary didn't request. 

Anyway we did our operation for the kid and post op Onco came and requested a completion CT abdomen pelvis for him. I am still confused haha.

What stuck with me from all this was how kind the two Radiologists were. They rejected my request and explained why it was not indicated. Granted osteosarcoma is not my expertise and they helped me understand their viewpoint. It was a contrast from the first Radiologist who was silently annoyed and just brushed me off.

That fellow week I had an appointment for a contrast enema to request. It was just before lunch break, I walked into Radiology and saw Dr. Teh sauntering around looking jobless haha. I greeted him and actually walked towards the board to see who was in-charged of Appointment but he asked me what I needed. I presented my case briefly and he signed my request form. 

It was so easy. It has always been easy to work with him. Later on I Googled him and found he's a senior lecturer and HOD of Radiology at UMS doing his fellowship in Paeds Radiology. What a befitting title.

yaya is so nice

let's take a break. im tired of this

I told mom I was thinking of taking a month off work to organise my life. I didn't get to elaborate because she commented that I should be grateful of having a job in this challenging pandemic time when people aren't holding steady job.

I told her I am grateful. I spoke in a calm tone, she too. I accepted that in front of her it is not okay to not be okay. Okay, fine. Then that's it from me. 

I think I'll work through this, ask Boss how long would he permit me to be on leave without it being a mark on my service. I wouldn't go home though. And I won't tell them I'm on leave. I'll just be somewhere and get my head sorted out.

Second option is get my leg thrashed and be on MC for Orthopaedic reason. 

Hire someone to beat me up? I don't want that kind of attention. ED might lodge a police report. Go tree climbing and fall down? Get into a car crash? I might hurt my neck or back and I rather die for real than be a vegetable requiring assistance 24/7.

At some point last month or so I was thinking of taking up smoking and then I remember smoking is haram. If that level of self harm is haram, what more this? 

turn off my thoughts now

The master intake interview was today. 

Since the invitation came on Monday night, I have told myself that I don't care about the interview, I don't mind the outcome. Dad said "I trust you, you can do it" and that I'm proud of you whatever comes. But to me it's not a big deal. It's just something to get over with. I'd sign us up for the creative writing course soon after we're done with it. 

But I still couldn't sleep before 2am. Why am I still so anxious about it? 

I was so looking forward to end it because I want to be able to sleep now, I can work on the department audit now, I can focus on my oncall cm, I can start that course now. 

And I should get myself something for attending it. How about that RM500 Onitsuka beau?

And it was done with. But it's still there on my mind. Muted a little but still buzzing at the back of my head. Akin to a computer with too many background programs running, the computer will lag and slow. How do you think I am now?

I wish I have a switch to turn off all my thoughts.

love is the 6th vital sign

His name is Benzion. One day Boss entered his room for review and called him "Benzoin." I tried correcting him but he still got it wrong.

"Boss panggil dia Ben je la."

But Ben is too short. I call him Benji because it sounds cuter. He is cute.

Today we closed his stoma. I just arrived at 6th floor when I met the nurses pushing his cot with the boy going to OT. So I escorted them. I played with him and held him up for the first time. Benji likes cuddles. MRO who cares. 

I wondered why I find him cute. Is it because he's fair skinned? Am I racist? 

I think I find him cute because God makes me feel so, so that I will show him the attention he lacks. Human are social creature by default, we need attention in one way or another. 

how to survive master training

Today I wasn’t feeling any chatty and stayed in my room all day alternating between writing and watching oppa. I missed Syukri’s call on purpose before I saw his messages asking opinion on a case, so I returned his call because I shouldn’t be a jerk to Syukri.

So tonight after the email came confirming my interview, I texted Kak Paan for Tips How To Excel The Interview. And I sent the same text to Pre who gave me great advice. Kak Paan suggested I ask Luqman as well and actually I didn’t consider asking him because I don’t know, it’s a 50-50 with Luqman nowadays. He might call and I wasn’t feeling chatty.

Bugger called me like 2 minutes after I sent him that text. He’s old, he doesn’t text well I guess.

After his customary asking how was KK, how was everyone at work, he asked about me. Apparently he didn’t know I sat for the MedEx or that I applied for the program.

“You’re doing the interview? I thought you’re having second thoughts about the program. I didn’t even know you took MedEx.”

I told him there are things I can only do when I become a surgeon, so I decided I should just become a surgeon.

“Sounds big.”

“It is.” Since I haven’t found a reason to live for myself, I might as well live for others.

Anyhow the old fart said he couldn’t give me any tips for the interview because he also didn’t know how to excel the interview. He told me to ask Pre and to ask Vicky who probably can dish out elaborate mighty tips.

Well Vicky didn't disappoint. 

“Be yourself but bit more impressive.
Enjoy your time Sabah before going into the program, but just because you’re in it doesn’t mean you won’t get to do things you enjoy.
Don’t worry, don’t worry, take the interview as an opportunity.”

The rest of his advices were How To Live Through The Program kind of advice.

“Take everything with a grain of salt.
Keep a clear head.
Don’t get distracted.
Do things that only benefit you.”

“I’m planning to do 90% listening and 10% talking for the rest of my career.”

“Make that 95-5.”

“Okay will do.”

He concluded with "call your parents for blessings and call your teachers, Mr. Tar." knowing full well I'm a shitty person who has a perversion to calling people. 

I've decided long ago that whatever happens, happens for the best. And that Luqman told me before i went for Sabah that "your time will come". And that I'm going to conclude my interview this Saturday with "thank you for the opportunity."
 

As Dong-hoon said, "It's not a big deal."

time spent versus time left

My parents said I can do it.
My surgeon said I can do it.
So why am I not doing it?

I am unmotivated. I realize I do not have a set of goals. How do you even start?

Talking to dad or Luqman will conclude the same thing. That I’m an adult who should decide my future myself. Luqman just few days ago gave me that vague advice, summarized as “follow your hunch” and I don’t feel like answering his call that followed after.

My hunch was to turn to MIASA. Is there someone I can call? I clicked on one video about steps to get help. The president said to get a mental health assessment done, that a severe assessment warrant a referral to a psychiatrist, that the only one valid to diagnose you is a clinical psychologist, and that not getting help will actually makes things worse.

I did get a mental health screening done but I didn’t follow up with a referral. I just lived poorly. I should have gotten help instead of living the past two years so fleetingly.

But a few years wasted is nothing compared to few more years to live.
Provided you want to have few more years and you want to live them, that is.

There’s that little voice again.
But it’s a little voice, there’s still the bigger voice.
Let’s get that help now.

So I Googled things. But they’re all superficial and vague. Then I asked Kak Ellina if she has ten year goals and she asked me how do I see myself in ten years.

I was thinking how to reply. Should I admit that I’m living day by day, barely a plan, don’t even see myself in two months what more ten years?

She then shared me hers. It was good goals.

DASS test taken

19 March 2019 - severe stage of depression, severe level of anxiety, very severe stress level.

7 June 2021 - very severe stage of depression, very severe level of anxiety, severe stress level.

I think there was one we took in between with results better than the first one. 

Added on the Copenhagen Burnout Inventory 

7 June 2021 - severe level of personal burnout, severe level of work burnout, normal level of client burnout.

For easy reference, next time let's just follow up with the questionnaire from Sg. Buloh, take the healthcare one.

What now?

cv what

Today I was updating my CV for UM and my thoughts were

We definitely could have done better

This amount to shit

What have you done with your life

What do you even want

Lucky you have a permanent post. Imagine having to renew yearly contract based on this shit

Am I being too hard on myself? Am I my own doom? 

Perhaps. It's best to be the end of yourself. 

Cmon let's do better. 

lies people tell

I was driving back from McD for supper when mom called. She said Mira and Along just called asking how's dad post vaccine. Ah you stupid lousy daughter.

Anyway. Conversations conversations. Then I told mom MedEx result will be out in a week. I asked her to pray for me.

"Semoga lulus exam."

"Semoga cepat dapat jodoh." I smirked.

"Semoga cepat balik semenanjung."

I asked her should I apply for transfer after the exam result or should I wait for master. Mom asked how did Fadhly do it? 

The first second after she asked that was me wondering who is this Fadhly she's talking about before I realised she was talking about Pali. I grinned. I have gone old and senile. 

So I told her he applied from Queen. Then I overheard mom talking to dad and they concluded I should wait for master.

I grinned. It felt like a trap. The thing is, Hadi said I should wait for the exam first before sending in my transfer request. And so I did. And now?

As Hannan said "Berapa lama lagi nak stay Sabah".

I don't know. Here I am complacent. I should go somewhere and challenge myself.

But let's talk about the second prayer. That was more interesting. 

As usual she never leave off that one. The reason I was smirking was because it can't be helped, I know exactly why I'm single. I'm a superficial bastard nowadays, I go for the eye candies and stay for the partnership. 

"Takde ke kawan dekat-dekat?"

Faces of whatever guys around me flashed through my mind but actually there was none. What guys around me? I don't mix work with pleasure. The face that did flash through my mind was Lee Je Hoon's. My grin got bigger. I was so screwed. Poor mom. 

So I replied to mom "Takde. Ika memilih sangat."

im high on dumplings

Ohayou!!!! Okay it's not morning but I don't know it just feels like.

Anyway it was a long OT day. I didn't want to scrub in because my stomach hurts and I broke my fast with chocolate drink and water so I was looking forward to ciao to go grab real food although idk what to eat. 

Funny thing though everyone left and it was me over the shoulder of my surgeon closing the abdomen while another MO assisted. I was criticising her closing in my head like the idiot I am haha. And then surgeon asked me "kenapa awak tak balik lagi?" 

It caught me off guard. I stayed because my surgeon hasn't left the elective OT yet. But if she's implying I should go home now by all means bye. 

I was already dressed when Naveena came in at 8pm with the Pizza Hut ordered for us. I stayed to eat but it left me longing for more. Although I had 2 slices, 4 pieces of garlic bread and downed a whole bowl of mushroom soup, I realised it wasn't to my taste.

So I went to Bataras and bought frozen dumpling and juice and had them for supper while joining the TPN webinar and watching Hot Stove League. It was niceeeeee I like dumplings so much. Such delicate flavour. Ahh chicken and prawn, what a delight. Which idiot made meat dumplings over the raya and made me suffer? 

TCA 4 months

Hobbies

I wouldn't say this is a hobby but it's really what I'm doing with all my time, that is finishing Korean dramas

Since preparing for MedEx I have finished off Flower of Evil, My Mister, 18 Again, Sweet Home, It's Okay To Not Be Okay, Her Private Life, Move To Heaven, My Paparotti (a movie but yeah) and currently onto Hot Stove League. 

I should get a new hobby

Advantage

Can I write my advantage is that I don't care? It makes me fearless (to be mistaken for reckless and tactless) 

Disadvantage

No plans 

Anxiety

Always cold

Things I'm not good at

Cooking

Complex

I wanna talk to someone but I don't want to talk to anyone

Best 3 food

Egg fried rice with salmon and lots of chopped carrots and long beans

Miso shiru

Steamed dumpling

Worst 3 food

Peas

Taucu

Cheap mince meat

Favourite word

"Do you want me?" 

Favourite colour

Sky blue

Favourite song 

Laruku's 4th Avenue Cafe

Favourite type of people

Partner material

Cheeky smile with a sharp nose and that semi deep voice oh idk how to describe voice but I'm describing you Lee Je Hoon! 

Respected people

Parents

Current happiness

Lee Je Hoon

What I bought recently 

An outfit commemorating Hisashi's birthday

Hardest thing ever

To be a non picky eater

How to spend off days

Netflix

Places to visit 

Japan. I want seafood

What to challenge

Study more

I want to learn Japanese properly to read that book Prof gave me

And sign languages. Since I'm so quiet nowadays I might as well be mute eh

What I want to do with my friends

Just sit and be comfortable

syukri and I are vying for Anugerah MO Paling Sumbak

The other day we were discussing Chong the GS trainee final days and that he's going to Neurosurg next.

"Saya nak diorang buat craniectomy untuk Atiqah ni" Miss said.

The rest laughed. I started to protest but then I said 

"Ya craniectomy di lutut untuk kembalikan otak ke kepala."

today's webinar is Asia Trauma Collaboration on Damage Control Resus in Trauma

When my house got burned down, I had to pretend tough and still go to school amidst dealing with the aftermath. For that one month I was "why am I alive, this is bothersome, why didn't everything just end with the fire."

But then it was my Surgery lecture, discussing liver trauma and the words of my professor haunt me until this day.

"A living problem is better than a dead one."

Like. Why? 

I think the answer I found then was only 98% conclusive. Here I am. Always thinking why. 

Nowadays I tend to gravitate to trauma surgeries. Because the essence of trauma surgery is to do whatever to keep the patient alive. Even if you don't want to live, you have to save others' life and for them to keep living. 

"Get out with a live patient with whatever odd means

Then come back again with better odds"

just close ur eyes

I'm glad I've never loved anyone more than I love God, and God knows how little that is. I'm sorry. Such a useless servant.

This life, as it is, is so meaningless. 

atiqah and haru

So why is there Atiqah and there is Haru? 

The issue of needing an alias was because I was online and was playing Maple Story. I needed another name. 

I was into anime at that time so I decided to go Japanese. I chose the family name Mitsui because Hisashi is my first major crush who I wanted to be family with. (To this day I still, perhaps twice a year, play with the idea of meeting a basketball-playing Japanese guy and marrying him.)

My birthstone July is lapis lazuli and that's Ruri in Japanese. But the name is too girly. I decided on a unisex name and found Kaoru. I liked the name Kaoru Mitsui very much back then and used it a lot, sometimes shortened to Rue. I named my first gaming avatar as RueMitsui. I even shortened it based on goroawase, a common form of Japanese wordplay I learned from the anime Keroro Gunso, into 9631. 

9- Ko

6- Ro

3- Mitsu

1- Hi

And that's how my alternative email came to be. 

Alex is another name we came up with because we were naughty. Let's keep this one to ourselves and not write this one down. 

The second part was that I've always had a strong consciousness that I've been talking to and writing to. 

Pre blog days, from later primary school age when I still had my favourite olive Pikachu shirt that I wore down till it became a rag and sharing a room with Mira and Mak Lang. It started with me writing letters to myself, for my future self to read and make sense of all the thoughts and hopes and dreams in my head. I would write proper letters and kept them in an envelope, later a box. I don't know what happened to the letters now. 

I remember addressing all the letters to Atiqah. Atiqah writing a letter to Atiqah, Atiqah talking to Atiqah in the head. It was a conversation between Atiqah and Atiqah only. 

At some point, perhaps the loneliness of a misunderstood teen of later secondary school age, the person inside my head became the only person who I could really talk to. She was a full verbal bantering consciousness of different personality with her very own thoughts. She was calm when I was chaos translating to a different Atiqah that I show to the world. Like Sakura and her Inner Sakura. She became my crutch, my coping mechanism. The partner I didn't physically have. 

But naming her Inner Atiqah would sucks. She deserves a name. 

Then came Suzumiya Haruhi. There has never been a character I could relate to more than the eccentric, hardworking-but-never-been-thanked-by-anyone character who just wanted to be understood. I adopted the name immediately after and that's how Haru came to be. 

Nowadays I don't even know which one is Atiqah and which one is Haru but I put it as Atiqah is the front that we show to people and Haru is the one we kept to ourselves. Atiqah is the calm coward and Haru is the hellish hound. 

I don't hallucinate voices or images. I remain insightful that both are me. 

30 minutes and RM40

Had I known you'd be so happy from an express manicure and buffing, I would have get you one every week.

See my nails all clean and shinyyyyy. 

miss of ten years experience

She showed me Abe Khai's family raya photo. I was happy finally he has a kid. What a pretty daughter.

And then she surprised me with her words. She didn't think he should pursue masters program. Knowing him and the stress of doing the program, she didn't think he should go for it. He has a house, a car, finally a kid after many years of IVF, and a working wife. It wouldn't be easy to uproot everything. Why would he need to be a surgeon? 

I watched her silently.

Same as Vebster, she said. She didn't think he should be doing the program as well. Although he seemed keen, but he has a wife who depends on him.

"All the burdens on his shoulder, kids shackling one leg, wife another leg. The program is hard, the stress is real."

I continued watching her quietly. Should I ask? I should. 

"You think I should?"

"You should. You have no other commitments. If everyone else can, even while ongoing divorce, you should too."

if imaging decides a management, don't wait on it

I have two facts for you today.

1- Of all known diseases in the world including COVID, I hate SLE and neuroblastoma the most.

2- Our health system is overworked thus leading to backlogged cases. 

On my Friday 30.4.2021 oncall I clerked a 1 year 9 months old boy with abdominal mass that the mother noted as gradual distension for the past 2 weeks. The boy had hypertension. 

I primed the mother that we need to exclude the worst. 

On the same day we did ultrasound and it turned out suspicious of what I hated the most. 

I arranged for a CT scan for him. Radiologist said she will try to slot him next week so I primed the mother we aim to do his CT on Monday 3.5.2021 and biopsy him on Tuesday 4.5.2021. The ideal setting would be we discharge him post biopsy and see him back on Monday 10.5.2021 with the HPE report and plan for management. 

But they only managed to slot him for CT on Thursday 6.5.2021. I was on study leave from 1.5.2021 until 4.5.2021 and was quite disheartened when I knew of this. Did we not push for earlier date? This is a tumour case, the earlier you diagnose it the better it is for the kid and family. Besides his hypertension, he was stable. With a mass that big he could bleed anytime. 

Anyhow, CT done on Thursday 6.5.2021 and we straight scheduled him for biopsy on Tuesday 11.5.2021. We sat waiting for the report over the weekend and the report came back today Monday 10.5.2021 as a neuroblastoma with local infiltration and lung, pericardial, bone, peritoneal, cervical, abdominal node metastasis.

He underwent biopsy, bilateral BMAT and I inserted his chemoport on Tuesday 11.5.2021. We discharged him the next day Wednesday 12.5.2021.

On a full working week we might get the HPE by Friday and will give TCA the coming Monday 17.5.2021, but that Thursday is Eid Fitri. Will the HPE report be ready by then? Onco gave him TCA on Wednesday 19.5.2021 instead. 

In conclusion, nauzubillah if anyone precious to me has a cancer scare, I will do the CT in private and get the images sent to the government surgical and oncology team. 

tomorrow i will buy you a new sim card and a basketball

what do you want to do with your life

i dont even want a life

slump

Mom had silent MI in March. She's on clopidogrel and vastarel now. Imagine I only know about this when I came home. My parents really don't tell me things. I guess me too. 

She's into orchid arranging these days.

I flipped open dad's planner yeaterday and dated 3.4.21 was his entry of Make Prayer For The Kids List. Mine was for my MMed entrance.

So last night I brought up a single sentence of I don't really feel like doing the exam. Both parents quickly cut off my tardiness of taking the exam. They said it's a waste of my skills and I should sit for the exam and be a surgeon and that it'd be okay.

Mom added that what else am I doing anyway nowadays? Don't have regret once you get older of not studying when you were younger. 

Yeah that's the thing. I feel like I should be doing something else rather than commit to a 4 years programme. But what? I could only picture rivers and forest. 

Also there's the whole slump of laziness and the tinge of fear of failure I don't know. Why should we fear failure? Dong-hoon said "It's nothing. It's not a big deal."

my mister

I have nothing but praise for this drama. I cried from sorrow and heartwarmed and cried from joy. The words describing it was true, it's a love story minus the romance. 

The first time I cried was when Dong-hoon called Mr. Kim after he found out Ji-an slapped him because he badmouthed Dong-hoon. 

"Say 'I'm sorry' ten times." After which he did more than ten times while bowing 90 degree. "Let's stop this. I don't want my feelings to be hurt because of you." 

I was crying because how could you do that to Dong-hoon, he's the nicest. 

Respecting boundaries. He never took advantage of her love for him and he took her in like she was his little sister. 

"Can I give you a hug? I want to cheer you up."

"I'm already cheered. Thank you."

She asked to hug him before they finally parted and that was the first time they had physical contact other than a kick or a pat at the back. 

Comfort is when you understand each other. Understanding comes from keen observation, communication, and time spent. Communication isn't just saying what you think, but it's ensuring others hear what you mean. His fault is that he keeps things to himself because he didn't want to burden others, not even with his wife. The only thing he showed was his genuine kindness and care. Anyone who spent time with Dong-hoon will side with him, and anyone who understood him would kill people for him. That's what happened when they wiretapped him and listened to all the recordings. 

Love is loyalty. Dong-hoon's and Ji-an's loyalty is a national treasure. How the quiet man became enraged when a thug embrassed his brother in front of their mother, how he fought Gwang-il for what he did to Ji-an, how he beat Jun-yeong to a pulp when his wife knew he knew of their affair, how he always listened to all sides and stood up for his subordinates. 

And how Ji-an did everything she could to protect Dong-hoon. 

"I will feign ignorance."

"Thank you for being by my side even after you found out how fucked up my life is."

To find peace with yourself and live happily. 

Non cringy support of "cheer up", "it's not a big deal". 

The script and direction were superb. The character progression. The portrayals were amazing. They deserved the awards and nominations they got. I have respect for IU as an actor and hell Lee Sun Kyun is one fine man. 

Watch this again Atiqah. 

to my brother

When you're proud of something or someone, you'll be gushing all on that.

I've never gushed on you. I guess I haven't been proud of you because I never let go of the fact that you once stole from the family and I looked down on you because of that. 

I see you're working hard now. You're talking more than I've ever seen you talk. 

Perhaps in front of me you felt being looked down on. And I'm sorry. I don't know how to make up for the past years. 

I'll live in redemption for the entirety of my life. 

hernia

Trying to demonstrate hernia in clinic.

"Boleh kau menangis kuat2?"

Kid shook his head.

"Should I break your heart and make you cry? No I shouldn't."

i cant explain, once a sweetheart always a sweetheart i guess

The other day my surgeon said something regarding xray comments that made me want to consult my favourite Radiology trainee. 

I contemplated few weeks before I finally asked him that question today before I started my oncall round. It was a simple salam greeting followed by my question. No dilly dally. 

He replied soon after. I thanked him. 

And then he said "Anyway lama tak dengar khabar".

I remember pausing at his words. Why would he say that after he turned down my confession? I guess he really meant it when he said he wanted us to remain friends as we were. Should I return his good will? 

I did. We chatted about our friend, his work, my work. And then few updates on his mom. That's it. I didn't really put that effort to prolong the personal conversation. 

Feeling really is a living thing. You need to work on it to sustain it. If you ask me now do I still feel what I felt, I'd say it waned down since I didn't work on it. I am less sentimental. You were wise to ask me reasons why I liked you. 

But would I say yes if, perhaps an overshoot and will never happen, if you suddenly revisit and return my feelings? I would ask for a reason and hear you out. 

Don't overthink. All is well. I hope you'll always well and motivated. I hope you'll always be happy, healthy and at peace. After all was said and done, still a piece of sweet memory in my heart. 

Getting rejected was a roller coaster of a good thing. I think. Or not. I don't know.

I want today's oncall to faster end. I want to go sit by a riverbank and look for buaya tomorrow. 

my chinese horoscope for 2021 said im at danger of an accident later this year

I had a dream last night.

I was sitting in the left back side of a purple MyVi. My friends were driving and at the front. We were getting up a slope on a muddy road and slipping. The driver hit on the gas and the car swirled up, making the horrific tire noise of non gripping. The car surged uphill and flipped onto itself.

We were upside down, stuck in the car. I had a penetrating injury to my left hypochondriac but I was still alert. I put pressure on my wound and when I took my hand off I could see blood gushing. I went into another car asking the driver to get me to a hospital.

The dream cut to my post op day. I'm not sure POD what but I was healing, standing already. The Surgical team and Anaes team were explaining what happened to me as I flipped the op note. I had multiple bowel perforations that was repaired. Syukri and one MO did surgery on me. I remember being amazed that he did an exploratory laparotomy and bowel repairs on me unsupervised. I hope I don't leak. 

I woke up and later texted him, thanking him for not stoma-ing me. He said are you sure you had no stoma? Or was it ileoanal anastomosis.

Turns out he's oncall today. I told him perhaps he's going to get an MVA with multiple bowel perf. He said he had 2 MVAs in ED already, intubated. 

jodoh dengan paeds

One time I was chilling with the Paeds girls and they started asking me about dad. 

"Ayah kau baik ke Atiqah? Ke dia garang?" 

"Tengok la Atiqah baik je mesti la ayah dia baik!" 

I was grinning. "Ayah aku baik. Dia yang teaching HO." 

And they asked if there was any time I called my dad because I was dissatisfied with Paediatrician management. 

Yeah I did in Lahad Datu. Twice actually. 

They referred me TRO biliary atresia but they didn't do the prolonged jaundice workup because "my specialist said it's a clear cut surgical cause" and I almost called the specialist up to ask did she biopsied the child already to confirm it's a surgical cause, but I called my dad instead and ranted. He agreed that we have to rule out all medical causes as well. 

Anyway I saw the kid. Bilirubin range yeah sort of like BA, but got transaminitis and the stool was effing pigmented. They didn't do ultrasound yet. Clear cut Surgical cause apa? 

I actually opened up the Paed Protocol in front of the MO to show the list of causes of conjugated hyperbilirubinemia. "Surgical cause 3 je, ni lagi 10 korang punya. Takkan la korang nak suruh kitorang terus buat invasive procedure padahal non invasively diagnosed condition belum rule out pun." 

And that one time they referred me an HSP kid with abdominal pain TRO intussusception. But they didn't start on steroid. 

I remembered Dr. Nik Nas taught me "HSP kalau sakit perut, it is intus unless proven otherwise. Start steroid." So I asked them why didn't they start steroid. The MO told me if I wanted to start steroid, I may start. I blinked. Is that my decision? Aren't you guys better at managing HSP than a Surgical MO. I opened up the Paed Protocol and sure it was written there first plan under the heading of severe abdominal pain for HSP was to start oral prednisolone. I called my dad to confirm and he confirmed. 

So I wrote there "for USG abdomen. Suggest to start prednisolone."

The referring specialist saw my plan and did start on prednisolone after my review. 

The girls then asked me why didn't I become a Paediatrician when my dad's a neonatologist.

"Because I was still in medical school when he said I'm not calm enough to become a Paediatrician."

The yelling started. "KAU INGAT PAEDIATRICIAN NI SEMUA TENANG?"

They then listed all the names of their Paediatrician and told the stories how kalut they were when patient deteriorated in front of them.

"Pulse volume! Pulse volume!"

"Dr. Heng je yang cool. Patient fitting depan dia, dia tengok tenang je. 'Diazepam.'"

Hahaha. One would think Surgical are more ganas than Medical based, but you should see how these people do BMAT. Literally drilling into concrete. 

prokofiev is playing in my head

Got a boy with Prader Willi in clinic attended by his mom and sister. Anthony shaked my hand, talked and greeted me in Chinese.

"Oh no, I'm sorry I don't speak your language. I can only speak Malay." was exactly what I said while I rubbed my hand with alcohol. And then I clerked the case.

At the end of the consult, I waved them goodbye and Anthony kept saying "xie xie" to me. 

"Baik lah aku balik study Chinese. Bagaimana mahu sebut sama-sama?"

His sister answered me but I didn't catch that with him non stop "xie xie". I just replied him with a "sama-sama". 

missed ARM is always a shame

My recent oncall Tuaran called me at almost 11pm to refer "an imperforate anus."

"Okay."

"Day 1 plus 19 hours of life boy-"

"Oh no." I muttered softly. 

"... started on cup feeding at 2pm..."

"Oh no." Again, just softly, not interrupting her presentation. 

"... abdomen is distended..."

"Oh no no no no no." 

At that point I was just singing in my head. 

how to stop thinking, help, tell me how

Post cbd insertion

Frank blood

Whatever you think

Need tro bladder injury

Do usg

Slow infiltrate sterile water

And see

Small can go non operative

Abx

Drain urine

---

RT for surgery always nasogastric

So it wont dislodge during intubation or baby chewing 

---

Allow pseudomembrane to form

Don't kacau it much

---

Sudden abdomen distension

AXR not so good penetration

Might be pneumoperitoneum 

---

There's a webinar tomorrow night

On how to suppress traumatic memories

I wanna attend

But I'm effing oncall

Help

you dont get to choose who cares about you

Last night when I was doing rounds Luqman texted me a picture of the moon so clear he spotted with his new spotting scope. Bro been flexing nowadays. So I told him I was stuck in PSICU with Alep attending the burn kid.

Then I told him one of my bros is leaving cm and I felt mellow.

He asked which bro.

"From LD. Fadhly. Great guy, you'd like him."

"Oh that fella. Where's he going."

I told him Pali going for his 1st year training in HSB. And then I asked how did he know Pali. Was it from me gushing about him?

"You told me a lot of good things about him. Regarded him with disctinction."

I laughed. "I guess I'm a fan. Once a fan always a fan."

"Lucky him. He should know about it one day."

"I think he knows."

Ah if Pali doesn't know I respect him and think he's the shit. I don't think I was ever subtle about my admiration for people. He doesn't say anything about it to my face when I compliment him in public, but I know he knows. He's an idiot but he's not stupid. 

Or perhaps Luqman meant in depth? I feel like sometimes people need to hear that they are appreciated and respected and made an impact in someone's life and left a lasting impression, especially when they themselves are having a down time. So I concurred and said

"Although yeah, he should know."

We worked together for 2 months plus? I told him I was in Lahad Datu sent by my Boss because Pali was there. Earlier on I felt this inferiority complex with him and needed Syukri around to navigate me around him and he thinks I'm annoying. He called me "nyekit" many times and at one point I got self conscious about it because the last thing I want is to be a burden. Well my boss sent me out here and name dropped you so I can't have you not tolerate me now can I. 

My awkwardness died down that time I needed my wiper changed so I called Syukri for it and he told me to come to Arif's place where the three were hanging out. Pali was the most worked up at fixing my wiper though turned out I bought the wrong one and it wasn't a fit, ah typical bimbo. We ended up going for sate and had this best sate in the entire Lahad Datu at Arif's place plus ice cream and juice. I learned that Pali's soft spoken voice would hitch up an octave higher when he got excited, he was excited about gaming and his PUBG avatar was a lady. He actually told me to master this game and by the next game session my avatar must have levelled up with clothes on. I grinned realizing he was an actual idiot. They also told me to get a bigger memory phone. I bought a new phone the next day. 

I realised he's being depended on by the surgeon so much on the admin part it reminded me of my responsibility in Likas, but his was on a way different caliber. Ms Doon actually told me to call Fadhly if anything comes up during my oncalls and pointed out he is always alert and responsive even when you call him for opinion at 3am. Arif told me the same thing. I felt sorry for him and vowed to never call him for help, haha. I actually mostly called Syukri or Hadija, and I remember calling him only once and that was for his post op patient. 

He always said that he picks up juniors call on the third call but he always picked up my calls on my first call whenever I do call him. Which I mostly do to ask him where was he at, come let's eat. 

I have this bad habit of laughing awkwardly and got in trouble with Ms Doon for that once and Pali covered me by suddenly saying "Eh sape di klinik? Takde orang kan, gi cover klinik Tiqah." The other times I did so Pali exasperatedly said "Atiqah ni selalu tetiba je gelak" and I gave him my what-do-you-want-from-me face and Ms Doon said "okay la dia asyik gelak, habis you nak dia asyik nangis ke" and he was lost for words. 

He covered my ass a lot. I once drained a pleural effusion too fast the patient ended up SOB and needed high flow oxygen for that time. When Ms Doon came for rounds and saw the patient, I barely opened my mouth to explain before I got cut off by Pali and Arif shooting streams of explanation on why the previously stable patient suddenly needed oxygen support and didn't drop any names. I had never seen anyone cover up for something so fast and it was my ass they covered, not even theirs. 

That time Pali, Syuk and I had dinner before my first oncall ever and they insisted I try the siput tarik. I ended up nursing an AGE throughout my jonah call the next day. I kept vomiting and purging and couldn't hold down any food. They both brought me out for KFC that evening where I sat in the elevator ride down and when a stranger joined us in it I said "Saya AGE. Ni abang saya, ni ayah saya." and when we got to the KFC they ordered for me and I ate and then vomited in the toilet. I remember the disapproving worried look they both gave me but hell this was my first oncall and I will see it through. They even bought me extra food for the night but I was busy and had no time to worry about vomiting so I never ate. Cm they came to work bringing more food and saw the last night's food was untouched and the nurses snitched on me vomiting out my ORS and I had never felt so babied in my entire adult life. They aptly called me baby since then. 

I transected a cystofix during that same oncall and Pali went in for that patient instead and never said anything to me about it. 

We once talked about our juniors dealing with their hardship where I was thinking how to actively help whereas Pali said they should just deal with the hardship like a man. Which wasn't how he dealt with me. Maybe he thinks I'm an actual wuss who needs a bit more tender care.

That time he actually tried to cheer me up when Mr Ashok kicked me out from Likas group. I had a whole post on that. A sweetheart he actually is, this Pali. 

Once he was scrubbed in during postcall for a perforated appendix with a ruptured liver abscess and I stood on a stool observing behind him over his shoulder. He changed position and stepped onto my foot. I didn't bat an eyelid. After a while he turned around, stared at me, stared at his foot on mine and then back at me. We exchanged no words. I understood his exhaustion from first assisting a complex laparotomy procedure on a postcall. He went back to operating with his foot stepping on mine amd I remember smirking whatever keeps you awake old man. 

I got in trouble because of him once on his postcall but I took one for him and he apologised to me privately for that matter. 

He was assisting my herniotomy I think when my hand shook while dissecting. I have fine tremors even on a good day but that day I didn't even had breakfast yet. He grabbed my instrument and my tremor stopped. Then he let go so that I could continue. I told him I need to lean on something when this happens, so I put my whole arms on the patient. 

One time he opened a craniectomy in a bad brain with urea 30 and blood was gushing like hell. The front of his gown was red and soaking, it was that bad. He kept muttering "fuck" under his breath and I was on his left so I heard all of it. I told him "Pali istighfar" but he didn't hear me so I istighfared for us instead. I noticed his hands were shaking and I told him to lean his hands on something and offered my knuckle which he didn't take. We CPRed the patient while Pali and I closed hurriedly and wheeled the patient back to ICU. He died 4 hours later. 

That time ED screwed him and he was still so angry venting to us during his postcall how they referred him what sounded like a typical traumatic diaphragmatic hernia while he was in OR suturing up some other guy's head. He said if the ED team thinks so then ED team should get a CT thorax. The ED MO then used his name requested for said CT and the radiologist called up Ms Doon about it because the clinical didn't add up to a traumatic diaphragmatic hernia. Ms Doon said Pali wouldn't carelessly request for a CT. Only later did the EP saw the patient and he didn't think it was a traumatic diaphragmatic hernia and Pali then confronted the MO and also the EP and the radiologist to clear up his name. I remember standing at the counter while he sat and cursed in that non intimidating voice and being listless and I thought I didn't know what to say when he gets like that. 

That time he stamped his chop on my arm for no obvious reason and I dryly thought that was the first time anyone has ever stamped on me and what a way it was to lay your claim on someone.

Also that time he happily poured out chocolate crumbs onto my phone. I laughed awkwardly speechless trying to wipe the crumbs away. He grinned innocently and said it was okay, he poured out empty contents anyway. You idiot the chocolate got all over my phone small cracks! I don't remember how I got them off, probably licked them idk. 

When he broke the news to Arif and I that his transfer was approved in the pantry while we had KFC. He hadn't told Ms Doon yet. I remember telling him he deserves the transfer and he should go. I effing planned out what the team should get for him, pestered Ms Doon at the last minute to buy a watch for him from free duty, and Arif and I picked and printed photos of Fadhly to frame. I think three of the five pictures were from my phone. 

And when he got accepted into masters programme. Boy was I ever proud. He's skilled and he has great attitude and deserves it. 

That time Ms Doon gossiped that Pali got in trouble with the HPB consultant who found out OT staffs complained he was rude to them and thus hankered him with theoretical questions during operating, which he couldn't answer. I stood up and said there's no way Pali would ever be rude to OT staffs, he looks tough but is an actual cupcake. Mr Sharif must have mistaken him for someone else. I then messaged Pali on the spot and asked him about it and true enough Pali said it was someone else who got hankered by Mr Sharif during operating and that Mr Sharif always mistook him and called him that guy's name instead. See I told you, Ms Doon la how can you not know how abang is, you worked longer with him than I do. 

All in all. What a joy to have known this guy. And today he left Sabah for peninsular to continue his training. 

I messaged him yesterday asking what time was his flight and he said it was an early flight at 7.15am. I told him I lamented the fact it was too early and told him I was oncall and wanted to see him off, safe trip and I will see him when I see him. 

But man I actually felt self conscious, what if he thought I was clingy af. Which I wasn't actually not. 

He actually replied "sokay la, tq2". 

And I learned that I should always reply people politely, because you never know the anxiety the asker had and the immense courage it took for them to ask. I'm sorry everyone that I have brutely brushed off in the past, and I mean you Chip and Nabil. 

Today while waiting for Meryem to arrive for passover, I sat beside the window watching the sky for his flight to pass by. I was in the middle of passing over that neurogenic bowel in 4B when I saw it and ran back to open the window and snap a picture. With naked eyes you could actually see it was an AirAsia flight flying above at around 8.11am.

"Sorry, tu flight aku tunggu. Flight tu ke Kelantan."

"Kau patut balik tapi tak jadi ke?" 

"Tak la. Kawan aku dalam tu. So anyhow budak tu-" and continued my passover. Life goes on. 

Have a breeze through your training and may happiness always be with you Fadhly. You're in my prayers.