let's take a break. im tired of this

I told mom I was thinking of taking a month off work to organise my life. I didn't get to elaborate because she commented that I should be grateful of having a job in this challenging pandemic time when people aren't holding steady job.

I told her I am grateful. I spoke in a calm tone, she too. I accepted that in front of her it is not okay to not be okay. Okay, fine. Then that's it from me. 

I think I'll work through this, ask Boss how long would he permit me to be on leave without it being a mark on my service. I wouldn't go home though. And I won't tell them I'm on leave. I'll just be somewhere and get my head sorted out.

Second option is get my leg thrashed and be on MC for Orthopaedic reason. 

Hire someone to beat me up? I don't want that kind of attention. ED might lodge a police report. Go tree climbing and fall down? Get into a car crash? I might hurt my neck or back and I rather die for real than be a vegetable requiring assistance 24/7.

At some point last month or so I was thinking of taking up smoking and then I remember smoking is haram. If that level of self harm is haram, what more this?