22 hours for Syaza

Operation was 22 hours. Boss, my registra and I unscrubbed at 15 hours after the adhesiolysis was done.

The only reason I scrubbed out was because other MOs have arrived to relieve us and Miss told me to unscrub because she said I looked out of it. (At 7.30am I was retracting for Boss and didn't retract with the strength he needed and I apologized to him like Sorry Boss, sorry. He said Not your fault, not your fault). Miss The Champion carried on with morning team while the three of us napped at different corners of the OR.

Boss thanked us for assisting the OT and I told him I'm grateful he's giving us this opportunity. Miss in her tiredness ruined the mood by saying we stayed because who else is going to stay? Haha she's right. But I'm a sucker for my Boss and I go where my Boss goes. He operates 15 hours, I assist 15 hours. He naps, I nap. He scrubs for OT elective, I hung around. I'm actually a monkey.

So Boss scrubbed for elective case and I pestered behind him. We were talking about that ED MO who passed away in his car. Boss told me "Atiqah penat, jangan tidur dalam kereta. Balik rumah selamat. Atau tidur tempat ada orang, tidur di wad kalau perlu."

I was thinking of sleeping in  my car actually after been working for the past 36 hours straight. And I've slept in my car on few occasions without telling anyone about it. When I got into my car, I think I fall asleep a bit with the engine running. Maybe 15 minutes? I sobered up, remembered what he said and drove home. And I accidentally dragged my car across the cement pile in the garage.... Urgh.

Yesterday when we were stuck in OT from 4pm onwards, the married guys get a phone call later at night from their wives. No phone calls for us single girls. I don't know what that made me feel, but it did made me think. No one looks out for you when you're far away and alone. Single people have high risk of dying in unlikely places because of this.

So if you're remaining single, then you have to be cautious and play safe. Don't have to Facebook all your activities and locations, just keep a good head and common sense.

Rebel

I got my hand henna-ed the other day. Ara and I were walking in the mall and there's a stall open for that. Ara's getting married soon so she suggested we get henna on. I agreed. Never got one of these anyway.

My only concern is how is my workplace going to take this. You can still be a professional with drawings on your hand, right?

I looked at their selection of designs. I thought of taking their cheapest, RM5. But they're all floral designs. And then I locked eyes on this swirly tribal-like design. The main design will be on the dorsum, a partition on the wrist and extending into the forearm.

I asked the lady to draw the main design on my forearm instead, so it will be subtle and with my sleeves pulled out, can be seen peeking out.

It turned out pretty. Doesn't look like a wedding is coming up. Straight up "Atiqah got tattooed" kind of like.

Maybe I'm in a rebellious mood. Next thing we know my hair will be purple.

Less than two weeks and I'm getting calls again

I was watching YouTube when he called me. It was 9.30pm and by default I don't accept calls at that time, but he's family so I took the call after two rings.

There was a loud music in the background. He sounded a bit higher pitched than usual when he greeted me a "Hi Tiq!"

I immediately laughed and cringed oh God help. "Are you high??"

"Damn how did you know?" And he started his string of F words.

It nerved him that I could smell his state from being so far away, but I did. Because I've seen him high and I remember it because he was odd. His tongue became loose, he became more cheery. He's usually cool and collected, the good older brother persona. I know him enough and I was right. Sometimes I hate it when I'm right.

He kept on cussing but I could only laugh, what else could I do? Why is a father of four, married man, first year trainee high in the middle of the week?

He started telling me about his day. About his current posting and the cases he's seeing. About our friend. How Dato Z caught his attention with his guts. How he's being true to himself. How he thinks things are F up. Things he says when he's high. I wonder who supplies him. I wonder if I should worry about him.

He got extra philosophical and whimsical. He told me good things are never easy. He told me how sad and lonely it will be if at the end of the day you're alone and no one at home for you.

I never really ask him about his family, but I hope everything is well for him. Maybe that's why he talks to me because I don't pry. I'm not good at prying because I don't like to pester. I'm more into as long as you know why you're doing what you're doing rather than the tiny details of it.

It did hit me a tiny bit though. But he didn't suggest I start my own family. He knows I'm fast losing interest in those kind of things anyway. I will make my parents cry.

In the middle of the 30 minutes call, he saw a husky being walked and he got super excited. He asked if he could make a pillow out of it. Huskies are the best, I told him, but if he approached the person in his state they might call the police on him. I told him not to make Mr. Tar ashamed.

So that's how I knew he was outside, maybe in the park. I asked earlier but he only said he was out in his roundabout way of answering so I didn't ask more. He sobered up soon and thanked me for allowing him to call me.

"Thank you for allowing me to call you in this state." Was what he said.

His choice of word was interesting. He's family so I will always take his call. Urgh I had a bleeding patient when he called me two oncalls ago and I picked his call up. But I know me. I don't think I'll ever call him first, or anyone first. I'm lame like that.

It did cross my mind that he's calling me when he got high. He called me not even two weeks back after a night of getting too high. I don't want to ask anything, but I hope everything around him is fine. I hope he's happy and healthy, and I told him that. I hope he got home safe.

He said he is near home. He's always more philosophical when he's high but he sounded more normal by then. He told me to take care and to always have my socks on.

"Don't forget to wear your socks!"

Weird advice. Yeah blister is a bitch. Is this guy going to be okay? Whatever. He'll be okay. He never get easy things his way  but he's always been okay. He's a survivor.

I hope he doesn't get high anytime sooner, but if he does I will remember not to nag. Just listen him out. And maybe call someone in HKL to subtly look out for him. Ask Kak Elli to check up on him?

Crazy is back

Yooo what's up it's Haru and time for some Facts About Mehh

I get carsick.

I don't like to use much effort for eating.

But most importantly I've short attention span.

I have a fixed background infatuation and some intermittent short lived infatuation. Like a patient controlled analgesia using morphine with a background morphine infusion. I can only have one shot of PCA morphine with a five minutes lock or something.

My fixed infatuations are Mitsui and Jackman.

My intermittent 5 minutes infatuations are numerous I always feel embarrassed to admit this. No wonder Pofin called me a play girl. It's not that I'm playing, it's that I'm not really ever damn-I-wanna-live-with-you-for-the-rest-of-my-life serious. So I'm bouncing from one to another. Maybe show some effort for a change but mostly just slacking off.

Should we list it down?

Maybe not. We'll regret this in the morning. Don't write what you don't want to be permanent.

And then I write things down because when it's penned it's out of my mind but always around

The thing is, last night around 8 plus almost 9 Luqman messaged me asking if I'm on tonight.

I was going to ask on drugs or something but I decided to keep my tongue in check and asked "On what?"

"Call."

He wanted to call me. That's funny. I don't remember we ever talk much on the phone. We previously just meet. Or random text. I've never called him for the past year so why suddenly?

Is he in trouble? Or worse, am I in trouble? What did I do?

So I called him. He didn't pick up. He returned the call immediately and said he'll call me in a bit. I told him to call me anytime.

I waited till almost midnight but screw that bugger I need my sleep I've to work tomorrow. When I woke up, I read his text asking if he could call me in the morning or something.

I told him I have locum OT today, so to call me after 1pm. We texted in between cases and I texted him once I was done.

He called me around 2pm. I was having my first meal of the day. McDonald's as usual was a bit noisy so I ditched my chicken, was responsible and cleared out my table awkwardly holding the phone to my ear without it touching my oily fingers. Then I walked off to my car to carry on the conversation.

See I like him that much. Bastard should be grateful.

We talked about how's life and the people we know. One interesting conversation point was Omar is now a trainee doing his Paed Surgery rotation in HUKM. Luqman just met him few days ago and Omar said he didn't like it.

Me: Why? Omar doesn't like Paed Surgery or he doesn't like being in HUKM?
Luqman: Not everyone is like you.
Me: What do you... Oh you mean he doesn't like Vicky?

Vicky is also doing his Paed Surgery rotation in HUKM. Haha. These people have long had this subtle not subtle beef with Vicky.

Luqman: Congratulations. Right answer.
Me: I've always liked you guys. The only person I didn't like from Surgery HRPZ was Mr. A***.

---

He told me he feels like he's on good term with his supervisor in the programme. But he felt strongly it was because of who his father is because of the comment his supervisor made.

And this is why Luqman is my brother. Because we basically live under the same shadow and can relate to one another.

I just told him "It's okay." Because it is. Can't exactly do anything about it.

---

I admitted to Luqman I'm eying someone but it's a work in progress.

"What's this? I've never heard of it."

"I'm not exactly telling anyone about it." Oh but the girls know because I've always been nonchalant about my crushes heh. I'm seeing things in a rational way. It's good that I have interests, no? Proofs that I have a healthy hormonal system and that I'm straight and not asexual.

"Thank you for telling me. Congratulations."

"But it's a work in progress. And I'm dangerously losing interest. I can't hold my attention long with these kind of things. I have actually turned down four people..."

And this bitch kept count because she's a rational person who knows what she's doing.

Since I'm such a rational person, I know I want to get married. Except not now, not tomorrow. I feel like I've better things to do, and the person I'm eying has also better things to do and doesn't seem like he can handle the commitment. Me too. At least not now.

---

62 minutes on the phone. This was a personal record. I've never been on the phone this long with anyone and I realized why. Because I think I am hard on my hearing. It's clumsy to hear over the phone when both of us like to mumble our words.

And then it hit me. Did he call to check up on me? Because that really what it was. Did he do that because I got all sentimental that one time we texted longer than usual, about how I needed to call him but couldn't bring myself to call him?

Dammit bro. I hope this isn't going to be a thing. I'm a wild kid and don't need brothering. I always come around, don't I?