New-year-new-me crap

I'm postcall today. Last oncall of the year, last oncall of the three calls I'm doing in a week for the last week of 2017.

But I don't know what to do. I'm slowly making my way back to my rented place. I'd take a shower. Then do laundry. Then maybe breakfast. I have to study, always have to but never doing it.

I'm sleepy already thinking of the boring things I'm going to do. But I had enough sleep last night, I don't want to just sleep today.

It occurred to me that the rented place of Number 22 is just a rented place. It's a house, it's not home. I'm not excited to go back. I'd rather be doing rounds or whatever but I need to detach myself from the hospital, it's not healthy. But I've nothing to go back to.

So that's the plan for next year. Find something to go back to.

Drive

"Is it okay if I sleep?"

"Sure." It was almost automatic. She never really say no to him. 

"You don't mind?"

"I don't."

She kept her eyes on the road. From the corner of her eyes she could see he had reclined the seat further back and made himself comfortable. He crossed his legs and there was no movement after that. 

She drove calmly. Reminded herself not to bump the car up recklessly so as not to jolt him awake. She hummed the radio softly to herself and let the silence passed. At the traffic light she turned to observe his whole profile. 

He had his glasses off and turned away from her. She noticed that he had made use of her throw pillow in the back seat, the pillow that she had used once for that one time she chose to sleep in her running car on a postcall day before driving home. He was relaxed, almost in a vulnerable state. She could do anything to him. This was drama material, the silent pondering before the unsuspecting girl gets gobbled by the hungry predator. 

The lights turned green and she resumed driving at a relaxed speed. She had a small smirk on her face thinking he must really trust her as a friend to be that relaxed around her. Took her word for it when she said she considered him her brother. Either that or he was half asleep on edge in case she decided to jump on him. Which wasn't wrong. She was tempted to think for that moment, he was hers. People could see them alone in her car, him sleeping next to her and agree to the same circumstancial assumption like she did. 

Then she came to her conclusion. She liked this, this situation they were in. To have someone so relaxed around her he could fall asleep next to her. To just stay together in silence with no expectation on the line. No, not necessarily him. She could never think of him that way because he is family to her. Maybe this is how it would be with her future husband. She'll drive them home on his postcall day and he'll sleep in the passenger seat with his face turned towards her, or he'll drive them home with her curled up on the passenger seat sleepily fighting to stay awake to keep him company. 

She sighed. When would that day come. 

They reached the hospital. She parked the car and deliberated whether she should wake him up to have him lock the car from inside while she run inside for her jab. She decided against. Let him sleep. It's directly in front of the entrance and broad enough daylight to minimise risk of car theft. And he's an adult, he could take care of himself should a car theft occur. It was safe enough that the keyless car is designed to not be able to be driven without the key nearby, so she took the key with her and slipped outside without a word. 

Fifteen minutes later she was back inside her car where she found it the way she left it. She put the gear into drive and headed back home. He stirred awake. 

"You're done already?"

"Yeah let's go home." 

"That was fast."

"Did you really sleep?"

"I napped enough."

Limbang

I took a four days off work for the sake of using up my many unused leaves. My plan A was to go somewhere, anywhere, preferably with a river as I really wanted to sleep under the stars for awhile.

I could go to Kota Belud for that but I'd have to drive Maisarah's car and alone and I don't think she would approve of me going long distance in her brother's car.

If not, maybe I'll go back to Kota Bharu, but I just went home last week.

Then Savin came and in his rowdiness, he said something to me that made me think of Bun who is the opposite of him and at that moment, I thought "Bun won't say that to me."

I then decided on Limbang. I have Fadzlin, Bun and Pofin to pester. Earlier they came to Kinabalu but I went to Kundasang with Maisarah and missed them. And Limbang has a river there.

And so here I am. It's a good place to retire to. I have a good day today just watching TV and sweeping Fadzlin's house as they're working. I feel domesticated.

Money matters

Every day I'm bothered by how your life depends on how much you can pay. It made me realise how true it is a script from the trailer of Justice League

Flash: What's your superpower again?
Batman: I'm rich.

I want to be rich so that money will never be an issue. And I don't want to work where the extend of my help to my patients depends on whether they can pay for it or not.

I want warm rice with plain omelette

Masalah dengan orang Kelantan adalah sudah biasa makan beras seludup dari Thai maka bila pergi tempat yang tiada beras seludup jadi tension sebab nasi tak sedap maka tak makan nasi sudah lama.

Kemudiannya bila balik Kelantan mula la mencari sepinggan nasi. Atau berpinggan-pinggan.

Days As A Passive Smoker

Luqman was telling me how he had a retrocaecal appendix (kid had pain at the flank) last night that he needed two hours, a hockey stick incision and two HOs to take out.

"Why didn't you call Mr. R?"
"Because I know I can do it."

It was preceeded by Abenik sweet talking yet still not calling the case even after Isya' and Mr. R who "suddenly had a sprain."

"And I was like, fuck you old man."
"Hahahahahaha."

Goodbye at 140917, 2008H

Walking to Anggerik to meet Kak Ah. Azizi was leaning against the guard post wall.

"Atiqah, lama cuti."

"Lusa saya gi Sabah dah."

"Oh. Confident je lulus MRCS. Awak keluar awal ke?"

"Keluar on time je."

Mustaqim came out from the guarded gate. "Ha Atiqah. Jom ikut kitorang makan dengan Amru."

He's really a friend. "Saya nak tolong Kak Ah dengan KIK project dia."

They left for the carpark, my hands on the guarded gate. I called out.

"Dr. Mustaqim! Dr. Azizi! Terima kasih banyak-banyak."

Mustaqim turned. "Terima kasih apenya open table belum lagi."

"Tak sempat dah. Lusa nak gi dah."

He waved it off. I semi bowed. Thank you.

Arigatou Japran

Today is my last day as an MO Surgery on leave at HRPZ. I went to Anggerik to meet Zafran and apologize to him for all my wrongdoings.

Mr. Tar: Dengan Zafran je minta maaf? Dengan saya tak? 

Me menggelepar sebelah Mr. Tar: Mr. Tar maafkan segala salah silap saya, terima kasih atas segala tunjur ajar.

He laughed. I think I wronged Mr. Tar that one time I accidentally left my unfinished breakfast on the counter but didn't own for it. Haha HO tak guna.

Then I turned to Zafran to properly apologize.

Me: Maafkan saya banyak buat salah, sebab annoying selama ni.
Zafran sengih tersipu: Memang kau ni annoying. Masa HO annoying, jadi MO pun annoying.
Me: Terima kasih sebab banyak ajar saya selama ni. Maafkan saya tak?
Zafran: Aku tak maafkan.

Zafran grinned his usual, except he did look a bit tersipu. I guess it's not everyday you get people who acknowledge their fault like I do, haha.

I spoke of this to Luqman the next day and he asked how did Zafran take my apology.

Me: Dia sengih tersipu, tapi I don't think he remember what I did.
Luqman: As expected of Zafran.
Me: But I did. I remember all and down to the details of what I did.

If I have to choose only one person from Paed Surg team to be grateful for, it is Zafran. He's the best.

He taught me a hell lot. I was oncall only with him during my Paed Surgery HO rotation.

He walked me through my first circumcision, and walked me through almost all ops I scrubbed in.

He heard me out that last day in Paed Surgery I vented my frustration because of what Fathi did to me.

He stocked up the pantry with Cadbury drinks on my request.

I backfired his jokes on me in OT.
Zafran: Banyak-banyak lembu, lembu ape boleh bercakap?
Me: Entah.. Kau? (Cow)
Zafran: Kurang ajar budak niiii. 

Satu OT gelak cam ape hahahaha fun days.

I yelled at him. Haha he's the second MO I yelled at, first was Omar.

I snapped at him when I was in Paeds Medical.

I took his teasing badly. He likes to tease people, but unfortunately his timing is off and he always tease me during my moody time. So I end up glaring at him and walking away.

After all he did for me, I didn't mean to be cold. So yeah. I pray him the best. Please Allah give him the best and ease him for his career.

KUL - KBR and how an ambivent overthinks

Yesterday's exam I made friends with Sarah Ramli, she was HO in HRPZ with Kak Paan and floated in Surgery before she moved to HKL later Penang. Currently ENT in Penang. She was a first poster in Surgery and when she first introduced herself up front, she said she wanted to do Breast Endocrine. Hahahaha.

Anyway, this post is in memory of Helmi. Remember him? He was my second favourite MO after Nasri. My second sunshine in Surgery, officially yeah I admit I had a crush on him. The one whose antics indirectly cheered me up the day after I broke down in Surgery and showed up to work with super puffy eyes. One of the reasons I didn't die in Surgery. Most of the time when I have bekal from home but too tired to eat I will push it to Helmi. I remember he admit "dia selalu bawak bekal tapi aku yang makan" to Azizi on my last day as HO in Surgery.

Anyway. He was sitting for the same England exam as were Kak Sarah, Dr. Haziq and I. Dr. Haziq saw me and asked

"Datang dengan papa ke."
"Sorang la."
"Atiqah selalu sorang, haritu pun gitu jugak," Helmi commented and I know he meant Singapore.

And this is why I'm a tiny bit flustered around him. Because he's a gentleman and treated me like a girl, acknowledged my always running off alone in a way that it was a nod that I shouldn't be doing so.

When I saw him yesterday I told him I wanted a picture with him cause
1) I haven't seen him since Singapore though I sometimes keep in touch
2) he was wearing proper office attire; red long sleeved shirt with a white tie... A tie on a weekend. Dude I was wearing tee, some wore jeans. Helmi is so proper it was cute.

But I didn't get one. Cause I wasn't insistent and Kak Sarah was sending me back to my hotel and her parents were already there to pick us up.

---

So today I was on my flight back to KB and I saw Helmi as we waited to board. I was sitting behind him and I don't think he saw me. But as I sat there, I had a huge internal debate whether to greet him or not. And I know I wouldn't be contemplating had there was another mutual friend with us.

If it was my boss, I would go up and greet in the first place.

A girl I know, I would chat her up but won't go out of my way, unless she's a friend I hang out with then I'd leech onto her.

Guy friends, I'd say hi if he saw me and courteous greetings but nothing much.

Bros I'd give a lobe of my liver to like Pofin and the rest, I'd be running up to them on sight and sit right next to them.

MOs turned friends like the Ortho and Anaes clans, I'd chat them up happily but I won't impose myself onto them and respectfully keep my place.

But the Surgical clan, I'm not sure where I stand with them. I respect them in a different way, more professional, and I try not to goof around too much with them because of this. Some are treating me like friends most probably because Luqman took me in as his ally, but because of stated reasons I'm thus too shy to treat them like friends. Like Helmi here. Like Mustaqim, Omar, Zafran. So yeah.

I'm over thinking, right.

Btw if you're wondering, Vicky is in the Bros category and Luqman in Family, cause when I saw Luqman I'd be like yo sit next to him but not talk to him cause he's family and you don't go huha about family, they're like air.

---

We were the very last to board and I boarded the plane quietly behind him. Got into the aisle, waiting to reach my seat, dude still not seeing me, dude stopped to fit his bag on the overhead compartment, turned around a bit and he saw me. I smiled like I've only just saw him there.

"Hai." He grinned back.

My seat was 10B. 10A and C were occupied by gentlemen. I politely asked C so I can get to my seat but C stood and gave up his seat so I wouldn't have to sit between two guys. Thank you. I fastened my seatbelt and suddenly Helmi who sat in the row behind me called out.

"Duduk sini la Tiqah."

Oh what do you know. His row was empty and he sat in the window seat. I stood up and sat in the empty isle seat, naturally leaving a space between us and thought if it was me I probably wouldn't be calling him out. As we chatted, I again contemplated about when would I be chatting people up, when would I not and the discussion with Haru didn't yield anything new.

We chatted about work. He talked a lot but not in an annoying kind of way despite me still having residual nausea from riding the bus to KLIA. He said his seat was actually somewhere up there but his style of boarding is to board last and sit in an empty row by the window.

Somewhere in between the talk I realized why I had a crush on him then and I acknowledged myself as having good taste in crushes, but nothing more.

At the arrival we parted way. I just said "Jumpa lagi."

Frown with a "don't bother me" face

I have little tolerance to people who are in my way. I have yet to discern when was I ever nice during dealing with such people, regardless who they are.

Need to work on this.

Walk away

My bad habit is walking away when people are talking to me.

Either because
I have something to do
I'm tired
I'm done with your bullshit

Belatedly I remember it's rude, but I had my reasons.

Besut

Today I learn that Besut Hospital is two-hours per jouney from HRPZ. And to always make way for an ambulance, you never know inside is a doctor anxious for patient to arrive safely and quickly to the destination.

"You better jadi Surgeon."

Last HO Teaching today. Mr. (Dato') Anuar was on stage about high risk consent. I stood up to ask.

"Salam Mr. Anuar, Atiqah Hanifah dari Anaes-"
"I know who you are."
I chuckled. "Berapa lama valid consent?"

---

I saw Abenik. I waved at him.

"Atiqah? Buat gapo sini?"
"Saje."
"Abenik baru nok oyak 'MO Surgery buat gapo sini, takdop patient Surgery sini, get out from my ICU.'"
"Haha overrr."

---

I sengih-ed to Boh Yi. "Saya lapor diri Surgery harini bos."
"You better jadi Surgeon ye," the cool grin.

I grinned back sheepishly. I really am sheepish around Boh Yi because he's so cool. And the way he said that... If God ever places me in Anaes, I will pursue Intensive Care with Boh Yi as my guide.

Because he has faith in me. He said I'll become a good doctor. And he earlier on invited me to stay in Anaes and to pursure Intensive Care. That one time he addressed all his MOs after teaching during round and he also pointed to me "Atiqah future Intensivist."

As I walked out of the ICU one last time as an Anaes HO, I decided to build my career in the first department Allah place me in Sabah. If it's not Paed Surgery, it will be General Surgery, if not it will be Anaesthesia.

---

Thank you, thank you. A good end to my housemanship. And in the afternoon JKN Sabah emailed me saying I'm suggested for Paed Surgery posting in Hospital Likas.

Alhamdulillah.

Life is easy

Earlier this morning while crossing the road to work, I met a sunshine who smiled back at me. It was Nash in his helmet on his bike on his way to Wisma Persekutuan.

And I said to myself "nothing can ruin today".

I was oncall with the MO who triggered me to cry when I was with her in OT. The sunshine came at the right time.

Living humbly for dummies

I tend to think I'm doing good but when criticism strikes, I'd be thankful for the room for improvement but can't help the little sore part in me.

Am I tak boleh ditegur? That is dangerous. It's almost like I feed on the feel good feeling of knowing I'm doing a good job when it's probably an averagely done job.

How do you balance this? This confidence and this humility? Who do I talk to?

The feeling that will never reach

It's not the first time, so don't worry. We'll get over this. It's a clean cut so it'd heal well.

Maybe the next one will be for real, but even if it's not we'll still be okay because we've been through this before. Or maybe we die young and won't have to deal with any of this anymore.

Just aim to be a good person and live a happy life. I love you, good luck.

H

One time I walked home from the mall which was an hour in the drizzle because I couldn't bring myself to call anyone

Are you working tomorrow?
Yeah.
What time?
I punch in at 8.
What that means?
Means I work per usual, 8-5.
I need a favour.
What.
I have an early flight to catch.
What time.
It's at 6.45, so I need to be there by-
You need me to pick you up at what time?
6.10?
Okay see you then.
You don't mind?
I don't.
Not too early for you?
Not.
Sure?
I'm awake before Subuh. Esok puasa.
I thought you wake up at 7?
Hahahaha. I wondered if I've told that before.
So I'll see you tomorrow.
See you.

Otai

Patient CSE, ongoing OT. Stable so far. Abelong bangun dari takhtanya di bawah Baby Warmer.

"Tinggal deh." I nodded. Abelong beredar.

Lama pastu Abelong muncul dengan semerbak asap. Ah, aku agak dah pokcik ni pergi Respi round hahahaha.

Ortho HRPZ is where I was happiest most as a houseman

The other day I was in OT and there were the current Spine team; Poknik, Abe Haji, Dr. Faris, the sekejap menjenguk Pokpa. Big bros were happy and amiable as ways and made comment about how I was specless in OT and then a jab at our Raya photo.

"Atiqah nampak sediih je duduk jauh dari ayah." Abe Haji said to which I retorted back hahaha apsal diorang ingat aku ni anak bapak ke.

"Haa lah dah la gambar tahun lepas muka monyok amik malam raya kena kejut bangun. Tahun ni amik pukul berapa gambar raya?" Poknik said.

Hahahah bengong la Poknik ingat. I really pray they will always be happy, healthy and successful for all the fun memories I have of them. Ameen.

PMS is a diagnosis of exclusion

"Awak kaku dengan saya je ke atau awak memang jenis kaku? Sebab nampak tak tally..."

I guess she meant how some other MOs are saying I'm good and reliable, like abelong has been saying around. It backfired. I hate it but I guess that's what expectations is.

"Tak nampak proactive. Bagi saya tu dah malas."

"Awak kan nak amik Surgery."

"People are going to keep saying that to you because you made it clear you wanted to take Surgery, but your attitude doesn't show it."

Surgery mengecewakan aku sebab sehari sebelum Dr. Murni kata ada patient diabetic dah panggil ke OT ketosis dekat airlock rupanya NBM semalaman TAKDE IVD PUN

Anaes HO ni akan double shift seminggu sekali di mana masuk kerja 8am hingga 5pm lepastu punch in semula 9pm sampai la 1pm the next day. And semalam double shift langsung tak tidur.

Lepas tu masa passover tetiba Kak Ann call tanya apa status op patient laparotomy diorang dan kenapa pulak nak optimise lagi ape lagi tak optimise. Kak Ann called using her phone to my phone and saya buat muka "save me" to my MO Dr. Kimi sebab Kak Ann is my Surgical registrar but I'm the Anaes HO. Call la my MO they are more authorised to indulge on patient's management. Ke dia ingat aku ni MO Anaes sebab malam tadi pakai scrub biru tua macam MO?

Nasib baik je Dr. Azwani pagi tu tetiba masuk bilik passover and mention pasal kes makcik tu so tahu la ape plan bos untuk kes tu. Haihh.

Passover sejam sebab patient ramai sangat. Kak Nik oncall tanya Kimichan "sempat tidur ke semalam?" and Kimi said "sempat la tidur sekejap2" and aku tergelak.

Untunglaa sempat tidur. Aku straight kerja malam tadi hahahaha turun naik Red Zone berjujuk kes Medical-Surgical-Ortho and Dr. Kimi turun Red masa aku dah siap clerk and tinggal dia present ke bos je. Sampai aku dah berkawan dah dengan Dr. Syurahbil abangnya si Nanim anak Prof Halim, gaduh dengan Amru yang macam nak katok aku je, Dr. Fakhrullah siap document "okay HO Anaes Atiqah noted" and MO Red Zone tu tanya "mana bos awak eh".

Aku pun menggeliat dan jawab "saya la bos malam ni" bwahaha bengong la HO ni.

Tapi takpe Dr. Kimi baik and semalam AEBA secondary to URTI, dia batuk teruk and amik MDI 2hourly and kena Neb x1 so he should have rested anyway.

Kitorang pun bangun nak sambung round pukul 9am tu. MO oncall, HO AM dan me HO post double. As a good human I appreciated my MO for last night.

"Thank you Dr. Kimi."

"Eh terima kasih banyak banyak banyak tau."

Ya I know I so made your life easier last night hahahahaha. Kbye nak sambung kerja sampai pukul 1pm pulak sobs.

Round aku takde la excited nak present sangat sebab passover dah present. Tapi pukul 11 gitu specialist Dr. Jem baru setel urusan OT dan RESTART ROUMD OMG and Kak Nik pulak kena pergi set ventilator pakcik new case yang tetiba difficult ventilation.

"Takpe akak round dengan adik2 ni." Which were Fatimah HO Anaes Day 2 of life and I, so obviously aku la yang kena present kes. Aku pun ape lagi.

"Okay pakcik ni 77 years old underlying bla3" Aku present semua kes yang ada. Hahahaha sebab aku dah penat and this is compensatory hyperactivity prior to passing out and sebab aku tahu kes and can make round more efficient with shorter duration.

By right balik pukul 1pm harini tapi aku tak tidur langsung ni boleh ke excusekan awal nak pengsan dah. Tapi Kak Jem macam tahu je ape yang bermain di fikiran patik dan beliau berkata

"Harini adik ni kena ikut round sampai habis, nak jadi surgeon kan kena la biasa berdiri lama."

Ahahahahahaha SAPE YANG NAK JADI SURGEON NI WOI KENAPA KAU BUKAN NAK JADI SURIRUMAH JE

Okay by the time dah round 34 daripada 38 patient, masa tu dah 1.30 dah, Kak Jem pun kata

"Akak rasa adik ni dah boleh balik dah."

Aku terdiam sesaat sebab 2 daripada baki 4 patient ni adalah new case yang aku clerk malam tadi and kalau aku present round akan jadi cepat dan pantas, TAPI SPECIALIST BAGI BALIK NI WOI KAU TUNGGU APE LAGIIIIII

"Terima kasih Dr. Jamaliah, terima kasih Kak Nik." And aku pun melarikan diri untuk punch out, solat Zohor, tidur di bilik oncall tiga jam pastu baru bangun untuk Asar dan balik.

"I don't need protection. I only need loyalty."

I wrote once during my third posting in Ortho I had a beef with one of the Anaes MO. The next encounter I had with her was my last oncall in O&G where I was oncall OT and she happened to be the Anaes oncall OT Zamrud that time.

We had a fetal distress and I diluted the antibiotics. It was co-amoxiclavulonic acid popularly known as Augmentin but the one our hospital used was the generic trade named Clavam. I then labelled it as IV Co-amoxiclav 1.2g in 20cc and scrubbed in.

Suddenly she screamed. "Sape dilute antibiotics ni?!!"

Me putting on my glove. "Saya. Kenapa."

"Awak dilute ape ni??"

"IV Co-amoxiclav."

"Awak tahu tak benda ni Augmentin??"

"Tahu."

"Habis tu kenapa awak tak label je Augmentin??"

Wtf why should I? Augmentin tu trade name and kita bukan guna Augmentin pun. I frowned and opened my mouth to fire back "Se-"

"Kenapa awak marah HO saya? Tak boleh ke awak cakap baik-baik??"

I stared at my MO who backed me up. Wow. Dr. Amin. Did I hear that right?

"Buat la kerja betul-betul. Fetal distress kan ni." She drawled.

"Communicate je la baik-baik."

I shut up and let those two to it. It was a Saturday and I was going to report duty to Anaes that Tuesday and I kept on thinking should I really go through with what I want and suffer among uncivilized people or should I change to ED and live happily among friends.

I seriously thought about it. But I stuck with Anaes because jerks are anywhere anyway, they shouldn't be my reasoning.

I'm always a fan of fatherliness

The other day I was post double then went to Anggerik cause there was a choledochal cyst case and I want to palpate the abdomen. But I didn't get to cause baby was feeding and later went cranky. She'll puke if I palpate her so I went and borak with Matron Kak Ti.

She asked me if I really want to do Paed Surgery. I said yes.

Then I should get "Abang Luqman" to hold on to me.

I don't need Abang Luqman to hold on to me, I have Mr. Tar for that.

So "tok ayah" knows already?

I laughed. Sure tok ayah knows, tok ayah never let me off his sight since I graduated Surgery.

Today I was PM Outside and saw our boss went to YZ because he has a fever. He absconded (like they can deny an intensivist who wants to treat himself in the comfort of his home) and I realized my boss is so cute. Fatherly cute. He very much reminds me of my dad since I first followed his round. But I'm not sure if he'll appreciate it if he knows I think he's so cute though.

Anyway. If Mr. Tar is my tok ayah then Dr. Wan Nas is my ayahanda.

Are we doing this or not? Because I have things to do.

Is posting a cry for attention? It feels like it. Why would I crave human attention? Is God not enough? Am I not self sufficient?

I think a timeout into the woods is in need.

You have to make your life easier

I was oncall last night and one patient was noted to have hemiparesis after we off her sedation. During oncall round last night, we planned to do a CT brain for her the next morning. So as the HO oncall, after round that night I wrote up her CT brain request form and put it on her cardiac table awaiting round with Intensivist the next morning so he can sign it straight away and I can straight away request it after round.

So we had our morning round. My MO presented the case and progress. I held the form in my hands. Then as soon as boss said "for CT brain today", I handed him the form to sign.

Boss Nazri: Ni apa?
Me: CT brain.

Boss grinned so wide and my MOs gushed. "Wow. Excellent!"

Kak Ella my MO who was oncall last night grinned proud "Atiqah awak buat siap dah?"

I shrugged. I was just making my work easier.

Boss then signed: Awak nanti stay Anaes kan?
Abenik: Dia memang saya book stay Anaes dah. Saya tak tahu sape lepas dia pergi Basic Surgical Skill Course haritu.

One of the ways of being grateful for the things they have taught me is to make them feel good about themselves, but I'm not going to lie about anything.

"InshaAllah saya akan buat yang terbaik di mana saya berada."

Boss Nazri laughed some more. "Jawapan dia tuu."

Abang long kawasan

My Intensivist is a brutal but polite man and today I learned he has a sharp ear to go with. We ended our morning round and being the only HO around, he told me to tag with one of the oncall MOs while walking away.

"Atiqah nanti you duduk dengan Firdaus ye."

But I rather not and casually replied "Nak tag dengan abelong."

I wasn't even adressing boss and I didn't expect him to catch that. But he did and he laughed and told Dr. Idzham I called him abelong. I was a bit flabbergasted but never mind, that's what we're calling him anyway hahaha.

Anyway, I rather tagged with abelong because my first day in ICU I tagged with him as he was the senior most of all the seniors in ICU that day. Our Intensivist was the one who dubbed the three seniors as "abelong, kakngah, adik su" and said adik su announced that day that I was "under follow up abelong."

On a side note, adik su is the firmest with HOs. I'm waiting for the chance to call him adik su in the face but I'm sure I won't get away forgiven ahh but who cares.

If you cannot present, you are a useless sixth poster

Today I feared for my life as I realised here in the ICU, no one is going to really teach me unless I am proactive to learn. I have to ask. I have to offer myself to do things. They don't even call me to do stuffs like clerk cases or do procedures when a new case arrive because they're so independent, they don't need HOs.

I realised I have to set my own target what I want to achieve during my posting in the ICU, otherwise I'm going to float away in this life as a mere clerk. This is so adult.

But never mind, let's sleep and worry tomorrow.

Tidur la anak

Last night I had a nightmare. Luqman told me off for having much free time in Anaes but I didn't use it to study. He said "baik takyah duduk Anaes."

First - why Luqman of all people. I haven't seen him in a long while and the last time I ran into him at the parking lot he greeted me but I breezed through cause I was late and later I greeted him doing review in ICU he barely looked up cause he was busy. Ahh. I felt like he was on payback.

If it's the people I miss... He's not one of them. Thus it's a nightmare.

Second - God I must study.

Third - I'm actually oncall tonight. I should sleep while I could. I brushed my teeth but I'm hungry dumdidum. Actually I'm hyped excited cause I just realised my schedule next week has a postcall-off-PM and that amounts to almost two days off work weeeeeehu what should I do where should I go hahaha can I go on a small trip away alone? But I need a solid plan! Let's get away Haru!

Complete

Last night I intubated a patient single attempt in front of Dr. Hidayah. I was so proud of myself but she was unimpressed. Hahahahaha.

My life in Anaes is complete.

Bro nak duit

I have this bad habit of not carrying cash around and it's troubling when I need to buy food. What I will do is grab any nearest colleague, most of time guys, and go "Bro, nak RM x."

They will usually say things like "wow selamba pow" while fishing out money from their wallet, then I'll walk away to go buy food for me.

Today I wanted che mek molek but I didn't have RM 1 with me. I turned around and saw a couple of girl colleagues with one guy walking behind them. As expected I went up to Aflah and said "Aflah nak singgit." with my arm out.

Aflah mumbled he didn't have RM 1 while fishing out his wallet so he gave me RM 5 that he had. I forgot did I thank him or not but I remember these encounters will usually have me grinning smugly. I then left him for the che mek molek stall but someone called me from behind. I turned around and it was a group of my MOs.

Kak Syazwani grinned at me. "Awak pow Aflah ape pagi2?"

"Saya nak beli che mek takde duit so saya minta dengan Aflah" I replied like it was the most natural thing to do.

She laughed at me. "Macam anak minta duit dengan bapak."

But then the stall sold out their che mek so I went away hungry. I only wanted che mek.

Btw I owe Aflah RM 5.
Faiz RM 10.
Countless time the guys and girls treated me to lunch.

10 days left

when i was in plastic surgery rotation, i remember we went for breakfast after round during a weekend with dr. aizat. it was more of a discussion over kuihs. he told me of his housemanship, where he did his best and was welcomed back by each and every department he went through.

and im realized i am blessed as such.

my last days in labour room, the place i detest so much, so much so the nurses noticed and kak lim pointed out to me "doktor yang tak pernah nak senyum duduk kat labour room" and i didnt correct her saying the only time i smile is when im playing with the babes.

i will remember dr shantan encouraging words, a man who was thrown to a place he detested yet he survived. "when you understand it, you won't mind it. and it will be less of a burden." and dr amin who was always having fun and he commented during last night oncall that i would make a good MO O&G.

i dont like O&G from my second day of O&G in medical school and i went through posting in labour room with the greatest grief in my heart. but i did remember when miqdad asked me earlier in our posting what would i do if i am stuck as MO in O&G and i answered with a sigh "terpaksa la aku buat yang terbaik."

i have come to acknowledge the reason i hate labour room so much is because there's so much i'm not good at. the hell to use a forceps? still cannot brain this.

Munirah

Our beloved Munirah our sister-in-law's younger sister passed away last night, bravely battled SLE. She had always been the smiley one since I met her in primary school, and in her final days she was always the one who smiled and us who cried..

I cried in my brief minute beside her in the ICU, barely muttering "Ika maafkan Muni, Muni maafkan Ika please" when it hit me what her bradycardia meant. I cried telling her mom to please call her brother home that same day instead of waiting for the next day. I cried while gently tightening the clothe wrapping around her face. That's all I was capable of. And I cried thinking what a devastating loss this is, praying may she continued to be loved by all creatures here and above. This is me, someone not even related by blood. I can't even begin to imagine what her nuclear family are feeling.

Allahumma please forgive her and her family, accept all her deeds, and grant her the grandest paradise with Your prophets and martyrs. Allahumma please grant her family strength and peace in this trying time. Allahumma please let us be gather again, allahumma ameen.

100492 - 160317

Keep life simple

I always try to eat dinner at home because that's one of the time we gather. So I'll look forward to eat together once I get home after work. But lately mom's getting tired and this week she didn't cook much.

Today I was on OT duty and didn't have rice all day. Mom picked me up close to 6pm and suggested we go to HUSM and visit Munirah. I was a bit dejected, I needed to eat.

"Tak kisah la."

"Nak pergi ke tak?"

"Ikut la. Ika lapar sebenarnya."

"Mama tak masak pun lagi. Dah tahu lapar makan la sebelum balik."

Now that she said that, I guess I really am spoiled rotten. At work I have Pofin feeding me and at home I have mom. I always reminded myself when I was in Egypt that I myself am responsible for my own meals.

So we got home, I entered my room, put my bag down, passed mom by the door and said "Ika nak keluar."

And I went to Kubang Kerian and ordered food for myself. While waiting for my order to arrive, mom called.

"Pergi mana?"

"Ika keluar."

"Mama masak dah. Keluar pergi mana? Tak kata pun."

"Ika kata kan masa kat pintu tu."

"Pergi mana?"

Should I tell her the truth that I was hungry so I took up her suggestion to eat before coming home? "Keluar dengan kawan."

"Oh ok."

Of course I lied. And tomorrow onwards I'll drive to work. I'll wake up early and sacrifice my sleep for this. I'll be less spoiled.

my aging bro

nowadays commuting to the airport is the only time we meet. and luqman seems older nowadays. he's in a somber mood, feeling-old vibe, can't stand a single song Japanese, and always seems to be reminiscing.

"How long have you been in O&G?"

"I think I have about 40 days left."

"Time surely flies."

"I'm going to Anaes next."

"Final posting already?" he seemed surprised.

"Yeah."

"House officer becoming a medical officer.." in a lonely tone.

"It's almost two years already. You're getting old."

the last time he acted like an annoying teenager was when he entered my car, blasted the air-cond and radio volume max, synched his phone to my car so that he can play his techno music out loud, that was what, three four months ago? 

Work like a dog

I'm so tired. I get home and I sleep. Wake up and go to work. Such a useless life. Why did I study all this time for such a life? No money is worth the time, and not on this relatively meager amount.

Vicky told me to hold on and to take the April exam. I tell you, at this rate, I'd rather save up the money while finishing my housemanship then take a long break and spend all that money wisely, like a trip to rock festival in summer Japan.

Still have to pay for the car and apartment though. What is this life...

Happiness is a choice

Today I met my favourite people from all my previous postings: waved at Dr. Yufi who shrugged his eyebrows back, Dr. Afnan who grinned when he saw me and me asking him to pray for me to be happy, abengoh who kept pestering me to smile, and ended the day helping bro with his logbook.

Bro said I wasn't being myself. He said I am usually hyped but I'm not, and I never was unenthusiastic about my job but I was. I merely stared at him, somewhat proud he was paying attention but questioning if he sees through me surely my superiors in O&G can too. And I said "well I'm not feeling myself too."

Then he left me to settle his logbook while he went and accidentally took a nap, that bastard.

My parents told me to do my best and just be happy without thinking about it. I am trying.. I need a hug and have been going around giving people one, but they rarely hug me back which is making me feel more pathetic. It's quite unnatural to go up to someone and ask for a hug. Maybe I should just cry and get this over with.

Day 19 here, 103 more to go. #HOpalingmanja

In the afternoon I went to the admin to ask where I'm going to in sixth posting. Kak Ainaa said rosters are not finalized yet. That's when I noticed his file on the top of her desk corner and I thought, what kind of omen is this?

Then I met Mr. Tar asking him where he wants me posted. He said "Kuala Krai, kedua Kota Bharu, ketiga Tanah Merah." I smirked and thought of asking why not somewhere else farther, but I realized I will go farther anyway later.

2017

This 2017, my wish is straightforward:

1) finish my last two postings in time
2) become a Medical Officer in time
3) use up all my leaves and go to Japan
4) become a junior MO in Surgery at a tertiary hospital and be actively involved in R&D
5) get married (this is quite impossible but nevermind, hahaha)
6) write a book
7) get a Part A in MRCS in April

Go with God.

previously in 2016

last year's resolution was so vague i achieved them easily.

This 2016, I wish: 

1) to go farther 

i cycled until taman tengku anis back to chinatown and enjoyed buah tepi jalan. i went into some people's backyard to lepak tepi sungai pengkalan datu belakang rumah diorang.

surgical career-wise, the bros submitted APAPU poster in january with my name on it. i did the case summary for that case, so i guess this was my first.

Vicky edited the picture, how thoughtful.

in april we went to singapore for the trauma conference where vicky submitted two posters with my name on despite me doing nothing for it. later in august or so i helped luqman with his vascular poster. in september we had masterclass in HKL where i braved through dengue before i was admitted as soon as i reached KB with compensated DSS. i burned my MRCS part A because i was too sick to be thinking of exams, later had ECPSU in two weeks time. and in october the ASPS congress and i presented my first poster.

Some of us Kelantan team with biggest boss Dato' Zakaria at ASPS.

2) make better memories

a lot :)

When we took this picture in Ortho, I really almost died. But I had fun. I missed Ortho very much.

3) serve my family more

i think i did relative to 2015. urm.

4) properly believe in "love and set free"

i loved and set free. towards the end of 2016 i really did. i believe we will cross path again and by then i will be as amiable to him as ever i am with my friends.

also added another person to my most favourite person list, hahaha. friends are still poking fun at me for liking Abang Bad that much and i feel bad (lol what pun) for him for being associated to me, but i guess things will die down soon. i have a thing for brains and that's the case with Abang Bad, but truth is we're rooting for him with Kak Syafa this cute Paeds MO who seems to always be oncall same day with Abang Bad #hinthint

5) finish each posting in time

i did, except got extended two days in paeds for the dengue fiasco.