Things I wish I can talk to my dad or my Boss about

Pa, I'm not happy here. I don't know if this is depression talking or what, but I'm not happy.

Because of that, I'm not doing my best. And when I'm not doing my best, I become not proud of myself. And I'm lagging behind in progress at work and it shows.

All I ever want in my life is to be happy and live proud. Which I am neither at this moment.

I want to quit. But what do I do if I quit? It's like in a toxic relationship where you don't leave because you don't know where to go, you don't know if you can survive without the other. I know that, maybe that's why I want to quit.

If I'm not quitting then I need to leave. I can't wait to leave this place. If I can leave tomorrow I'll just go. But leaving needs paperwork and moving things and God, why only good people die early? Why am I not one of them?

You texted me today and my eyes watered thinking how should I say this to you. You're not here, you'll just be worried about me. And I don't know how to help myself what more what kind of help should I seek.

The thing that you texted me was about that pre-Master program exam. How about that, dad? How can I tell you I want to quit when you're sending me a pre-Master program exam flyer? When you told me "might as well take it".

I wanted to ask you if you'll still be proud of me if I quit, but I know the answer and I don't want to disappoint you. You'll still love me either way because you're a good father and I'm your daughter, but I'm sure you'll be disappointed even a little bit. Even I am disappointed in myself.

What do I do? I want to cry, maybe I'll feel better. Maybe this is depression talking, but why am I depressed? Can I not handle stress? How did I survive Egypt if I'm succumbing to this?

And I hope Allah will make me happy as much as I'm making someone else happy

Here again. I'm here, staring at the empty space to write. Should I tell you about my day? Let me just tell you how it ended. It ended with me sad. Alone and sad. I was then wearing a mask because I was sleepy postcall but then I was grateful I had my mask on because I was sad.

There I was at 5.30pm. We finished rounds and everyone left to go home, but I'm OT tomorrow and there were six patients waiting to be taken consent from.

I was postcall. I was sleepy, tired, I only had a cup of coffee and two curry puffs all day, and I still have work to do.

I kept trying to calm myself but ugly thoughts ran through my head. It's my responsibility anyway because it's my OT tomorrow. I didn't get any help and I didn't ask for any help. I don't know how to ask for help.

The worst thing is that, when I'm oncall the OT people leave the consent taking to me. That's what made me feel so lonely and sad.

So I stood there silently with my mask on and tears gathering in my eyes.

Date me #2

I came to work today and after rounds with Boss, Mijah called me if I wanted nasi lemak or scrambled eggs. I laughed sheepishly at her. She's pampering me.

She later showed up at my ward with a bag of McD. I was heading to PSICU but I let her in the MO room and finished my coffee and hash brown while she finished her nasi lemak. She just finished her rounds with her boss and due to go home for a sleep. Haha. We finished our breakfast joyfully, then I hugged her and we parted.

She texted me when I was in PSICU saying she wants to crash in my oncall room waiting for her referral case. I said sure.

After I was done at PSICU with Munis, we walked back to our ward. Munis's postcall stuffs still in the room. I remembered Mijah so I told him

"Oh. Dalam bilik MO ada tetamu."

Munis looked excited. We walked up to ward and I ran ahead of him to heads up Mijah that a guy is entering, but the room was empty. I blinked at it and back to Munis.

"Mana tetamu Atiqah?"

"Entah." I grinned and ran off to the counter in case she was there, but she wasn't.

Munis joined me at the counter. "Siapa tetamu Atiqah? Yang Elango kata tu ke?"

I blinked before I realized his implication and I laughed. "Bukan, lain."

"Lain gender?"

I shook my head. I kind of like the idea of it. "Malas la explain." I laughed.

Munis looked on funny and gossiped with the counter nurses about my boyfriend. He went back, but soon he came back to the ward saying he forgot to take his laptop. He was deliberating in front of the door so I told him

"Masuk je, takde orang."

He grinned at me. "Mana Atiqah sorok tetamu ni?"

I laughed at him.

Later after I got a moment to finish my breakfast, I realized that's probably how doctors date. Stealing moments to care for each other.

Compensation

When I tell my friends I'm going to Lahad Datu, they all pity me because it's so far. Not their fault though, I do actually feel sorry for myself. I do feel a tiny bit (okay, a lot) cast away, far far away.

But duty calls. Whatever.

And they always tell me "maybe you'll find your jodoh there."

Like really, everyone is saying that. Like that's the only compensation I can and should get for being cast away so so far away. Haha.

I guess it's true. I hope so. I do want to meet you. I can't wait to meet you. I want to have dinner with you. I also have work to do, but I can't wait to meet you.

---

On another note. I'll write about my 29th birthday later.

Date me

My registrar Elango once saw me coming to work with my ring on and he asked

"Eh Atiqah are you married?"

"Nope." I replied with an echo, dropped my bag and went to round.

Since then he has been pestering me about my boyfriend and getting me to admit I have one. I really wish I can but I don't lie, lies are complicated to remember.

So today my other registrar Munis asked me if I can switch my Sunday oncall with his Saturday oncall, but I told him I can't because I've already make plans. (I am going hiking with Nisa tomorrow.)

"Her boyfriend is coming tomorrow." Elango took a shot with a grin in my direction.

I decided to humour him. "Yes he is."

"Your boyfriend is coming?" Munis asked in elation.

"Yeah that's why I initially didn't want to take Vebster's Sunday oncall."

"You should go somewhere, get your boyfriend to cook you something."

"I might." I nodded. I was imagining Seungri being all domestic. Hahaha.

We went back to rounds and Elango kept pestering me on where I am going because he wanna go there and pester my date hahaha like I'll tell.