"Good things will happen in life. You have to work hard to make it happen."

The discussion of the first two patients in Paediatric today bored me. I lost interest soon and went to stand at the very back. I liked Paediatric so it was a mystery why I was bored and restless. Possibly from the too small ward relative to our number.

Then we came to our third patient. I forgot the history (I was restless and couldn't focus) but the patient was two months old (or older?) male named Hassan with poor suckling and on tube feeding. He developed complications after prolonged oxygen therapy in the NICU following his birth and had hemorrhagic ischemic encephalopathy plus chronic lung disease.

Dr. Nour said it was common in preterm but the mother said he was born fullterm. For some reason they did a CT abdomen and they found cirrhotic liver and a choledochal cyst for surgery. Dr. Nour said his kidneys appeared abnormal as well with dilated calyces.

Brain, lungs, liver, biliary system and kidney. This kid had it all.

His cry was weak, his Moro reflex was weak and Dr. Nour said his eyes wasn't focused that could either be from his HIE or retinopathy of prematurity. The doctor asked the mother if they did any fundus examination on him, which she denied. He immediately note the resident to get one done promptly.

Add in potentially blind. As if life wasn't tough enough. I felt sorry for him and for his family especially the mother and thought of all the bills and tribulations they were going to face. It was going to be a hard, below average productive life if he makes it to adulthood. As I stared at him, I thought how similar his size was to a whole chicken and if they just behead the boy, he would die and the trouble ends there-

I blinked out of my dangerous thoughts. The baby was alive and not giving up, the mother wasn't giving up and the doctors weren't giving up either. So what was I, a stranger in this case, doing thinking of ending a life?

I felt like someone just slapped me. What was I doing succumbing to my boredom when Paediatric is a lesson on not giving up on life. I regained my focus and volunteered when Dr. Nour asked to measure his head circumference. I manipulated the baby and saw he was barely the size of my two forearms side by side; painfully too small. The reading came to below the 3rd percentile.

Smiless

Today I walked with Dr. Heba to her car and I stayed silent because I respect her so much I don't know what to say despite grinning inside. It's like an excited puppy with its master. But I responded well to all her questions, I guess she realised I was awkward with her.

On our way back, she was on my left when suddenly she greeted someone merrily in Arabic. I turned to see and guess who it was?

None other than DR. HUSSEIN KHAIRY!!

I automatically went into fangirl mode with super smile and hyper "Hello sir how are you!" And he smiled at meeeeeeeee! A real smile! I worked hard today and met Dr. Heba for Dr. Acap Haider's sake and Allah gifted me Dr. Hussein's smile! I sure hope it was because he remembered me as his student, the girl who always ponteng his class but when she comes she sits in the front bench to the right of the hall.

Maybe that was just a genuine smile to one of his very many campus godchildren, but anyway let me lie and be happy.

His hair was as wild as always, he looked good, he looked happy(er), a little worn out but less strained than when I usually see him walking around patrolling the campus. He was wearing his worn out navy red striped shirt with the sleeves rolled up and carrying with him a weird cardboard cutouts in a plastic wrap.

Dr. Heba pulled me nearer to her without turning to me while she faced Dr. Hussein with her smile. She talked to him in rapid Arabic and when I realised she just said "sir you will come to the kids' graduation day, yes?" my eyes dilated bigger and I jumped in (albeit in English) "Please sir, you have to come!"

He grinned at me but seemed reluctant and made excuses. "I'll see if I'm not busy that day," he said in Arabic.

They continued their pushing-and-pulling-away with mentions of gifts and certs. I stood there, absorbing the fact I was finally seeing the esteemed ex dean. Finally, I don't have to wait for his class to resume after the winter break to see him!

We parted because we all had other errands to attend to. As I resumed walking with Dr. Heba, I asked "He is going to come to the graduation, right?"

"He will. He just need some pushing," Dr. Heba smiled and made a pull-and-push gesture with her fist. I laughed.

"He has too. He is the beloved dean in our heart."

"Ahh, but you've only spent a day with the new dean."

"Dr. Hussein has been with us for the past three years, that is why."

---

I have no idea who the dean was before Dr. Hussein. He was a shadow of a name I don't even recall. When Dr. Hussein took office democratically voted by the faculty members, he opened his door for us students. He met us, listened to us and took care of us. Every morning before his 7am daily free lecture, he will make his round on the campus. Even the resident three-legged dog Kimi liked him!

He was so much in our campus life and during our last crucial years. I imagined receiving my scroll from him and to take a picture with him in our academic robe since Gen07's graduation early in 2014, it's so hard to undue the image now..

P/s: I saw Kimi yesterday and I thought, perhaps Dr. Hussein amputated his leg? He is a vascular and general surgeon and he is an animal lover and is generally curious enough to explore his passion, it was possible he studied the anatomy of a dog's lower limb for Kimi's sake.

Or he assisted his vet friend maybe? I need to solve the mystery of Kimi's leg before I BFG.

Walk and talk

There is this one staff who has been greeting me familiarly.

It started spring last when I was walking through the dean's building with a friend. Somebody called out "Ya anisah (miss)" and we both turned to see an average built man in his early 40's, thin oval moustached face with thinning front hair in a two-size-too-big jacket smiling at me. He asked me if my business was settled.

I smiled back politely despite an awkward beginning and dumbly affirmed. I thanked him, we both wished each other a good day and I walked along to wherever it was we were going.

My friend asked me who he was and I told her "I don't know. Maybe he mistook me for someone else."

I had no idea what it was about, but since he greeted me so kindly I decided to acknowledge him as well. (I despise it when Egyptians call us out with "Ya Malizia". You don't see us calling them out "Ya Masriyy".) Plus I don't know how to ask who he was in Arabic without sounding rude.

On second thought, I do know. But it would be weird to ask him now, because since then, we will greet each other whenever we passed by when I commute through the dean's building. Even when I was walking with other people, he would only greet me.

I thought he looked like a patient in my 5th year OSCE and the patient I clerked in Surgery general class, but I doubt an administrative staff of the hospital was also a "chronic patient".

The most recent was today's afternoon. I saw him from afar but since I was not going to pass him, I decided to ignore. Two meters after I took the corner, suddenly he called out "Miss, miss."

I turned around, scanning. Grinned at him. "Assalamualaikum izzay hadhritak 3amil eeh, ma3assalamah." 

I didn't stop walking though, but I didn't rush. I came across him that morning and I didn't stop walking either. It's an Egyptian thing to walk and talk, haha.

Nightmare

One patient stood out today. She waited on the bench with a devastated face and when we made eye contact and I smiled at her politely, her face got sadder and she said something unintelligible from my distance and the normal Arab doushah. I wondered why she looked so scared.

I helped her walk into the examination room and I realised she came to the clinic alone. Stealing a look at her ticket, it stated she was 65. She came complaining of left axillary swelling and examination revealed left mastectomy.

The thought of recurrence is a nightmare for cancer patients, what more she was 65 and she came to the clinic alone. No one should ever be alone when they're scared.

She kept muttering to me in pity of herself but I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to soothe her. Everything I thought of saying sounded like a lie, even robbuna yashfiik, matkhofish. If I were her I would probably be clobbering in tears until I was absolutely cleared.

I just stood beside her silently, my eyes expressing all the kindness and pained sympathy I could muster and offered her my hand. Reassured her after the doctor reassured her the swelling was subcutaneous and not a lymph node and helped her back on the waiting bench for her mammography investigation. I parted with her with a robbuna ma3aki and a small smile.

But her expression never wavered from the first time I saw her.

"..all the souls that will die just to feel alive."

Among the patients we met in the first day of our Group 2B internship was this adult male with history of gunshot wound to the abdomen resulting in a teared rectum complicated by burst abdomen. He had an end ileostomy done.

We're supposed to be good observants and good descriptors, but when I saw his abdomen, I can only describe it as.. ugly.

Huh.

The abdomen was scaphoid and in the midline there was 20 by 20cm scar that was so thin I could see the underlying intestinal movement. I nearly thought it was a weird graft of some sort. There was a huge hernia underneath it and was that bilateral inguinal hernia I thought I saw? Plus the ileostomy on the left iliac fossa and a mucous fistula above it.

Anyway, my point is it was ugly. And I can't sleep and instead of studying, I spent the last 4 hours watching Kekkaishi haha.

Stay away from wuss

I only argue with people I like or care about. I call them Friends of varying degree. Otherwise, unless it's a death or life matter, I will not bother to argue or correct people. I am ignorant most of the day and have deficient patience for people. To make my life easier, I have endorsed "stupid people are stupid" as fact, so unless it hurts people, I let them be.

When it comes to friends or people I acquainted with, I treat them differently according to their personality and my closeness with them. You're either not in my radar or I am nice to you. On first meeting I am polite but reserved, I mainly observe to collect enough data to correctly identify how best to interact with them. I try to be accommodating to people because in my opinion it's not fair to impose my craziness with every single member of the general population. I try my best not to impose on people.

I thought I did well categorising people, until today.

It was a small matter, but she said something that was in my opinion opposite a fact and since she was categorised under Close Friends, I corrected her. But she was relentless and repeated the same wrong fact.

(Actually, she was probably right and I was wrong.)

I corrected her for the second time with a frown and made the final hand gesture. "End of story," I raised my voice.

"Can you speak nicely? Why are you raising your voice?" Her tone was harsh.

"Because you were wrong," I said matter of fact.

"I don't like it. Why are you always not talking nicely?"

I thought she was joking, because this wasn't the first time I raised my voice with her. Yes, it's not polite and I don't raise my voice with everyone. Heck, I don't even argue with everyone. But we've been Close Friends for a long time and this is how I am with her. So what was this? I was silent as she ranted but then she continued:

"You're always not talking nicely. I've always wanted to say this, since a long time. Can't you talk nicely?"

Wthell? At the beginning of us being close, I declared that "I am polite with others but I'm harsher with several, including you. Because we're close." And you agreed and okayed it! What are you bringing up now!

Haru interrupted. Maybe this is an advice. We raised our voice anyway.
Me: But we just finished dessert, and there are six others around us. What kind of advising setting is this?

She looked angry. She gets like this when she goes into her Melancholic mode which relative to me, is basically a wuss. It was my fault for treating her like a Close Friend. My mistake. I'm recategorising her under People.

"Okay," I said in finality. I grabbed a nearby cupcake and finished it. She went to the kitchen and locked herself in her room.

Ah.. I forgot I wrote a post about her. She is (imho) a known wuss. I wondered why I didn't properly learn my lesson then.

May Allah forgive us and accept all our deeds and answers, ameen

(1) Stepped into the Toxic Building for our 70 marks Surgery exam and waiting at the attendance table was none other but Dr. Mohamed Rafeeq our very gigih vascular surgeon. I was surprised and automatically greeted him with a salam that he replied plus his polite smile. I take that he remembered he had Malaysian students in his class.

(2) I was with the last group to be examined. Went inside and was ushered by the doctor to the end of the row. As I got near my seat, I recognised the invigilator at my end was none other but Dr. Ayman who taught us General Surgery class every Sunday. I automatically went "Assalamualaikum Dr. Ayman how are you!" like old friends hahaha. He smiled in recognition and we exchanged pleasantries.

He had been coughing ever since the first day of our class, you know. And we once recognise a cigarette packet-like impression in his back pocket, so we spot diagnosed him as having chronic bronchitis. And during the entire exam, we could hear him coughing every once in a while.

Yup, definitely chronic bronchitis. Haha.

(3) I recognised the head invigilator as Dr. Hisham Mustafa who gave us Stomach and Duodenum lectures. I really liked his lectures and the notes I got was easier to follow than the textbook.

He once came and gave us a Swelling lecture but stopped about 15 minutes later because Dr. Salah Shaheen came and apparently there was an overlap in the schedule. He automatically gave in to the older professor with his respectful cheery smile.

Speaking of Dr. Salah, he gave us the most lecture this year and covered for many professors. God bless him with health, strength and ease. One of the professors he covered for was Dr. Nadem who was supposed to give us Esophagus. Dr. Salah started his lecture by saying he was covering for Dr. Nadem who was actually the pioneer in esophageal surgery in Kasr el Ainy.

Legends!! So people, please do attend the lectures. You can't beat their level of experience.

(4) FINISHED ALL MBBCh EXAM! Allahumma please forgive all of our sins and accept all our deeds and answers, and please grant us the best marks. Let us graduate together, ameen.

I was actually looking forward to participating in Egyptians slamming clay beakers to the ground, but I didn't see anyone doing that. Maybe it was actually done on the graduation day instead?

P/s: It was on the 24th because another group of Egyptians finished their exam then. I missed.

Despite all that, let's not forget our final year colleagues arrested by the junta. Allahumma strengthen them and help them. Please let us remain steadfast in the right path, ameen.

(5) We met the new dean today but he was so different from Dr. Hussein... I didn't see him smile at us nor greet any of us. He didn't even speak to us. He just came and posed for pictures and only interacted with his entourage and the official faculty photographer.

Maybe I missed those moments or maybe I didn't. Maybe he realised Dr. Hussein is forever the dean in our heart and didn't bother to change our mind.

(6) After the exam, I thought of the whole week off I have before we start our clinical attachment on the 26th. It was only late evening that I realised the 26th is three days away.

I had a lot procrastinated in the name of exam and things to look forward after the exam, namely:
(a) jaulah Farouq
(b) daurah BFG
(c) complete family's travel itinerary
(d) yearbook
(e) every single details for work registration
(f) books to buy
(g) items to pack
(h) jaulah tidur setiap RI Kaherah at least
(i) go to Tanta

(j) clinical attachment
(k) batch dinner
(l) family coming
(m) graduation day

My deadline is 2nd March. But for now, today, I want to do nothing. It's not "do nothing" in a relaxed sense of an incoming holiday, it's more of a looming feeling.

(7) I uploaded a picture of us IQs in our graduation robe after the session with the dean and people commented their congratulations underneath it. It made me feel.. anxious. I'm telling you we finished our exams awaiting our results. Why are people congratulating me when the results aren't in yet! Huhu..

Yeah, I know. That's not the good mindset to have. We will graduate together, ameen.

(8) And then Bawarouq posted on my wall calling me Dr. Hana and it caught me by surprise. I was so excited and terharu this legendary brother came by and even more so that he called me Dr. Hana. You don't see Bawarouq do this every year, mark my word. I actually went to Mad's wall to see if perhaps Bawarouq was congratulating all his close juniors but there wasn't any post from him on Mad's wall. And then I stopped at that because that's so bratty attention-seeking of me, hahaha.

So I came back to my senses and to the reality of Bawarouq addressing me with that title. It spoke of his confidence in my result which until just now was barely existent in me. It was uplifting.

I can't wait to work and survive as elegantly as he, Bayep, Kak Bid and Kak Elli did.

(9) Tiza invited us over for dinner but we already ordered Nawab. Nawab was late so we promised ourselves we will eat only a tiny bit, went up and I rang the bell once yelling "It's Hana!!" like a brat. Haha.

Tiza opened the door and I skipped inside. I went straight for the food and you know what, IT WAS NASI AYAM!!!

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME I HAD NASI AYAM? IT WAS SO LONG AGO I DONT EVEN REMEMBER!

I quickly grabbed a plate and helped myself bwahahaha. MashaAllah it was so good I wanted to cry. And we would have wiped the whole rice pot clean if it wasn't for the thought of the Nawab we ordered. Hahaha. Damn it was so good, so so good.

We had to go back down quickly while we could still hold back from having seconds, so I brought my and Farah's plate to the kitchen and mindlessly washed her dishes. She quickly playfully taunted me. And then she changed the topic.

"Bila majlis kau?"

Obviously she meant my wedding. "Majlis graduasi 25 haribulan." I replied smoothly. She laughed and so I added as seriously as one could while doing dishes. "Aku takde calon la Farah."

"Ala calon boleh dicari~"

"HARITU KAU YANG SURUH AKU CARI CALON DULU BARU PIKIR PASAL KAWEN! APE MASALAH KAU!" Bwahahahahahaha.

(10) Just before Isya our Nawab arrived. Tasnim had prawn briyani while the rest of us had garlic butter naan with chicken butter masala and also a side dish of onion bhaji!

This is my third experience with Nawab, never fails me. I like the bhaji since I first tasted it and went around promoting the bawang goreng to everyone in the house.

(11) I told the girls about this one guy who saved up at least $10k throughout these years. What followed was a discussion why girls can never save up $1k per year and take a leaf out of this guy's who apparently spent 5 genih per day on food (price before the revolution).

"Prawn briyani per meal is already 60 genih!"

"Half a kilo of strawberry is 3.50 genih! And that's not even enough!"

"We have to buy shower foam, shampoos every month. And don't forget the conditioner!"

I was laughing at all their points thinking girls sure spend a lot. But the winner was:

"Guys don't have to buy pads every month!"
"Yeah, and the daily pantiliners!"

I collapsed in laughter.

Kak Elli told me to find myself a hot dentist and I told her the only hot dentist I want is one burning on fireeeee

Since I complained about the dentist in my previous posts, I might as well complete the chronology here.

So today I went for my 5pm appointment and was directly ushered in. He asked me if I was "ready for the fight". I thought he meant my final exam but apparently he meant my refilling.

"I suppose." God, these dentists can smell fear.

"Good girl. Okay let's go!"

Bwahaha I really am a paediatric patient.

It was done in 5 minutes. It was quick and I was left blurred.

"That's it?"

"That's it." He grinned at me.

Being distrustful of dentists as I am, I wondered what was the catch. I asked him if I can eat and brush my teeth tonight and he affirmed. I paid LE150 to his secretary and went back.

I WhatsApped my bro because he was keen to follow me up. He's a good brother. So I told him he did my teeth using the white filling ("composite") and that it wasn't high.

And I noticed he filled the gap between teeth. I can see the filling from the side of the gap. I sort of thought he would do so, since he said something about space during my first visit.

Bro sweatdropped. He said it wasn't supposed to be done like that. I should get a refilling because it was "anatomically incorrect".

In Orthopaedic for certain types of fracture, we are allowed a certain degree of acceptable reduction if we fail anatomically. "What's the complications?"

"Food gets underneath the filled gap, might ruin the filling in the long run."

"Ah and I'd be in trouble."

So that's the catch. Huh.

At this point, I was already distrustful of them* and had already resigned my fate to these dentists, so I was not at all miserable at this news. Although I was a bit peevish for the LE150 spent,  I could buy a Zara tshirt with that. And I'm not sure if I'd be eating as normal as I would until I go back to Malaysia to have my tooth anatomically filled. I barely chewed my dinner tonight and was already craving TGI's steak.

Bro said he is "geram" to refill my tooth for me and I really think going to Sibu to have my tooth filled is a brilliant idea. Or let's hope Bro gets transferred back to KB by March.

---

* the only dentists I will trust and not hate are Bro, Timah, Dr. Burhan and Dr. Rosdi. I will run away from others!

Or maybe it's just me

There was a fire at one of the Malaysian students' house in Mansoura today. I read the news earlier today but only when Epul tagged me in the comment did I realise whose house it was.

Being a fellow fire survivor myself, I messaged one of the victims with words of encouragement. Tips and basically The Things I Wished Someone Would Told Me When My House Was On Fire.

And then I apologized for being so random, but I hope it will help them.

PTSD is real, folks. It'll take a while for it to really go away from latching on your nerves. Mine probably was longer because I discovered the fire and my initial reaction to the fire was abnormal for a girl, kah3.

Few days ago I somehow told Ayad what I felt about the whole fire ordeal and his response was so annoying I regretted it immediately, silently cursed his lack of tact and wondered why the hell I breached the subject before quickly dropping the subject.

That's probably one of the driving force for me to PM the victim herself; so that they will hear something relevant.

Not good enough

It's not like I didn't study for the exam. And it's not like I've been idling these past two years and not examining patients during class. I even went outside class hour to do clerking and examination. Maybe there's no such thing as "enough practice", eh? Haha. Okay.

And was it 3 minutes per patient? It felt like 2. Time sure flies. Please God forgive me of all my sins.

But at least no patients died today. Whether it's an oblique or direct hernia, it doesn't change your management. That's what Dr. Shedy said.

Lessons learned:
(1) be meticulous AND QUICK
(2) don't let anyone distract you
(3) trust yourself
(4) never trust a patient's negative

After my first ever Surgery class (Year 5), I vowed to examine at least 50 scrotums before I graduate. Have I reach my goal?

Misery hates company

I'm so full of hatred right now and should lay off online and go punch walls instead, but since I'm a stubborn mule I will do as I like.

First we have the dentist thing last night. Then I couldn't sleep until 4am and didn't even get four hours of sleep. When I wake up there's blood stain in my mouth and I consulted Bro. I felt sorry for him because whatever he advised are all dental manipulation, something I'm too chicken to attempt. If I'm not going to listen, why bother him and ask for a consult? I decided to not bother him anymore and so there goes my only trustworthy ally in this demise.

Then I received a message about my recent transaction which confused me and whatever angst I had turned into full-fledged homicidal.

I'm nice and will do favours when asked for but unfortunately I'm a stupid idiot who can't say no and will always angst about it later. Money has always confuse me and even worse exchange rates. I hate dealing with exchange rate because it is so dynamic and the bank doesn't quote XE rates which is the core of friendly transaction. The bank charges me in RM, that's why I want RM and not other foreign currency.

I'm not doing a business here and will insist on the exact amount. It's no problem at all when the exact amount repaid is in RM but hell confuses me when in foreign currency. I could end up gaining few ringgit from them but most of the time I end up a few ringgit short, usually in the puluh range. Even worse when it's a major transaction when you think USD1000 charges me RM3300 but it's actually RM3400. It clashes between not wanting to be a berkira ass (what is berkira in English?) and feeling cheating monetary rights.

I could think of few ways out of this, like quoting the bank's exchange rate for repayment instead of XE next time, but there will be no next time. No. Enough of this angst.

And I hate people. I wish they leave me alone.

Mesyuarat Akhir Tahun Taman Suria

Today was rather crazy.

I need to see the dentist but when I wanted to shower later in the morning, the water supply was out. So I went to Umair's. Pait said they were going to Ya Halla after Asar and invited me. I agreed as I've never been there and it could be a potential place to bring my family later, so I thought I would study now, go to Ya Halla with them and then go to the dentist. As a first timer, I don't have an appointment so I can come anytime until he closes at 11pm. Along already messaged me asking what did the dentist say about my teeth.

We ordered three servings of meat and cheese samosa (the cheese was good. I ate at Abou Shakra or somewhere that used some sour cheese that didn't fancy my palate), lamb kabsah (I shared with Ume but the damned girl only ate 1/3 it was a pain to finish the dish), lamb briyani and chicken kabsah with lisan asfour soup and curry chicken to moisten up. I liked my kabsah as it is, it was moist enough for me so I went without the soup nor curry. The curry however tasted nothing like Malaysian nor Indian curry and quickly fell off the girls' favour.

We prayed Maghrib at the big mosque near the roundabout. The five of us went to Alfa Market nearby as Ume wanted to buy "exotic groceries". Anah Hilmi and Huda were having dinner at the nearby Spectra so we thought why not we go meet them and have dessert there.

The five of us went there and we played with Huda while waiting to be seated. Luckily we were seated beside them and Hilmi shared a piece of Hickory Smoked Ribs with us (that I finished) while we waited for our order to come. We only wanted to crash Anah and have dessert but the waiter said we need to order a minimum of LE250 and apparently our four drinks, two appetizers and one dessert only amounted to half of that, so Iema ordered a whole cake to take away.

The Brownies On Ice was so good I forgave them for making my Turkish coffee bitter, haha. We were crazy stuffed and high on carbohydrate, protein and sugar and learned that we shouldn't do two restaurants in one night. Iema had her Rheumatology end round exam tomorrow and the rest of us still have two exams to go.

"What's with this craziness? What are we celebrating tonight?" Kah3.

I don't know what happened but suddenly the topic turned to who's-marrying-who. Hilmi and Anah supplied all the latest gossip from the male side while us girls poked fun at said guys, haha. One of our close friends' name popped up and caught us by surprise because he didn't even tell Ume about it. Anah then asked:

"Sape kat sini takde calon lagi?"

"Saya! Saya!" I raised my hand.

"Hana nak Dr. Iqbal?"

Is this how a matchmaking works? "Sape tu?"

"Kawan Kak Ummu," Ume supplied with a big smile. Kak Ummu is Anah's big sis and apparently Ume knew this guy. "Dia baik, lembut.."

As she said this I stared at her stupidly. If he's so "baik" take him yourself la why are you promoting him to me?

"Hana nak tak?" Anah asked.

I only answered her earlier question as a fact, not to signify I want to meet anyone. Plus she can't expect me to say anything when all I know is his name. So I told Anah this and Ume said "Ala berkenalan la dulu."

"Aku tak nak pun berkenalan dengan sesape."

"Hana nak kahwin dengan nelayan," Ume told Anah. I thought she was going to say foreigner, because that was the latest ideal I told her about. "Hilmi hang kenal dak nelayan? Ada bot.."

Hilmi who was following our conversation silently nodded with a queer small smile. I have no idea how to interpret this.

"Kenapa Hana nak kahwin dengan orang ada bot? Sebab Kelantan banjir ke?"

I laughed so hard at Anah's statement and Ume used that opportunity to leak to Hilmi that I once planned to propose to a guy in our batch, which made me laughed harder. Truthfully I was only joking, I am not that shallow as to decide on such superficial ideals to settle down and I really hope the joke stayed within us and not reach the guy because people will definitely make fun of him then. And I sure hope Hilmi makes no further move because I still have business to settle with that guy.

But who cares, it'd be more fun if the guy gets all awkward while I maintain my cool facade when I deal with him, as I do with all guys out of my circle.

Hilmi said the guy is available and the girls proceeded to make fun of me, cooking up funny reasons why I suit that guy. It was really crazy. Why the hell were we acting so weird in public? Haha.

And then I went to the dentist where misery didn't end.

In which Haru is a good girl

We reached Mounira around 8.30pm and I went straight to the dentist alone. My mantra during the walk was "don't chicken out, don't chicken out". I arrived and there were four kids in line before me, all accompanied by their parents. I was alone. I sat quietly away from them and studied.

9.20pm and I was the last in the waiting room. The assistant ushered me in and I met him the old white-haired dentist.

"Welcome, welcome my fine lady," he said smilingly in English while ushering me to take a seat in front of him. "How are you today?"

"Fine, alhamdulillah," I said with a smile and continued in a mumble "..except for my teeth."

As I took my seat, Haru changed her mantra from "don't chicken out" to "I'm scared, I'm scared". God I am such a sissy.

"Are you a fourth year or a sixth year?" He looked like a nice grandpa and his eyes were twinkling. I wondered why he guessed that, maybe his previous Malaysian patients were of that grade?

"I'm a sixth year," I answered. Haru was still doing "I'm scared" in my head and I had a good mind to run away. I really am scared of the dentist.

"Good girl, good girl." I grinned. Bwahahaha I feel five. "So what brings you here?"

"I have this pain in my left side."

"Is it upper or lower?"

"I'm not sure. I had a filling done in the lower about four years ago, but recently there's pain and I noticed the shape of the filling somewhat changes."

It was Bro who told me the filling looked depressed (I took a photo and sent it to him for a WhatsApp consultation) and told me I should get it refilled. I consulted him at 3am Egypt the night before my Long Case Surgery exam, haha... I am scared to see any dentist in general and even more Egyptians because they are generally rougher than Malaysians, and so distrustful of them that I proceeded to ask Bro full details of the DDX, etiology,

Bro: samada dia terpecah sebab kamu gigit benda keras sangat
Me: how should I know! the dentist who filled this never told me anything gaaaah dah gigi geraham memang la kena gigit benda keras
Bro: atau ada secondary caries bawah filling tu
Me: weh jangan buat hana cuak aaaaaargh hana gosok dua kali sehari how come ada caries!!
Me: jap caries tu ape

complications,

Bro: dia jadi makin sakit sebab kacau nerve
Me: omg neuropatic pain is painful
Bro: paling teruk kena root canal
Me: waaaaaaaaa don't scare me like that! Hana exam esok!!

and management plan for my condition.

Bro: dia buang pastu refill balik je
Me: okay tq sorry hana kurang percaya sikit dentist apetah lagi dentist private

Kah3 oh man what should I do about my sissiness?

P/s: Bro is a dentist currently stationed in Sibu. Although he is a dentist, I trust him because he is my brother.

The dentist nodded. "Good girl. Okay, let us see."

He invited me on the examination chair and Haru went "I'm scared I want dad" and I held my hands tight. He looked inside, asked for a probe from his assistant and tweaked the teeth on the side I complained of. I braced myself for any pain and suddenly there was a "pap!"

He told me to sit up and I felt a stone-like thing in my mouth. I spitted it out and there it was.. the filling. I never knew a filling can do that. Do they have expiry dates? Aren't they supposed to stay put in my teeth? What happened!!!

Later at home,
Bro: sebab dia amalgam. Amalgam memang boleh dislodge camtu.

He told me to rinse and laid back and he applied a temporary filling while patiently explained to me the pain I had was because my filling moved around and since it's at the edge of the teeth with a something-space and needed a special type of filling-

I simply nodded because I had no idea what he was saying. Just because I'm a sixth year medical student doesn't mean I know what dentistry talks about. I even tried very hard not to study maxillofacial stuffs in my Surgery textbook because I firmly believe those are dental business, not medicine. Haha stubborn. But I took note of the terms he used to report back to Bro who would translate it to kindergarten-level Malay for this paediatric patient to understand.

He called me a good girl again (haha) and told me to not eat with my left teeth tonight before giving me an appointment to get it refill for real this Wednesday. I said my thanks and quickly left. I have a lot to ask but I figured I would pester Bro despite the fact that that dentist is my dentist and I should ask my dentist about my condition. Don't do this guys.

Later at home:
Bro: along pun tak faham ape maksud special filling
Me: ape jenis2 filling dan indications for each?

Kah3 style viva Surgery what are the types of suture and indications for each. He is going too patient with me.

It was back home that I realised Wednesday is the only gap day between my last two MBBCh exams, so preoccupied I was. Grand Hana. Stupid.

---

I went to Umair's to pick up my book and towel before I head back to my place. She asked, "Where'd you go?"

"To the dentist."

"Alone?"

"Aa." I was so proud of my bravery I grinned like a monkey. This is even braver than being in a fire. "He called me a good girl million times."

She pulled back and laughed the most hyenous laugh I ever heard mocking my sissiness. "Hahahahaha good girl!!"

---

UPDATED 2.30am:

Bro kata dentist tu tampal temporary tu huduh. And I should kikis sikit atas tu so xde rasa tinggi sangat and I should floss to stop the mild throbbing.

I'm scared to even drink fearing the temporary filling will wash off let alone brush my teeth or kikis or floss! Chewing is already out of the question! GAAAH DENTISTS ARE IMPOSSIBLE WHAT DO THEY WANT WHY CANT EVERY DENTIST TO A GOOD JOB LIKE BRO AND STOP MY SUFFERING I PAID DIDNT I!!!

Bro suruh cabut je kapas and minum macam biasa and brush gently argh I don't trust myself I hate this I don't want this anymore TT.TT

What's going to happen this Wednesday? Will the refilling be hideous? Will I be having uneven surfaced teeth like now? Can I trust this dentist? The only reason I went there is because it's closest to where I live but at this rate I have already deep mistrust in Egyptian dentists!

Bro said I can just wait and do my refilling in Malaysia but I still have more than a month in Egypt and can I survive with a bomb in my mouth? And even so should I go to Sibu and trust him with my teeth or should I go to HRPZ but the original filling was done at HRPZ and see it dislodged after four years will I be agonising four years later? Argh I hate dentists!

... shut up. Just go sleep this off.

This year I'm turning 5

Probably not a good idea to postpone a dentist visit after a month of dull pain controlled by PCM worsen to 3-days uncontrolled by NSAID. The pain is annoying but it's not that severe to interrupt my sleep, but the complications of possible conditions are keeping me on my edge.

I'm scared of the dentist but if I don't go see one, it could get worse and I could end up with a root canal. I don't want that!! God the pain, the pain, the pain!

But I'm scared of the dentist! I want my dad! Last time I saw a dentist for the yearly check-up dad was with me! Warghhhhh.

Irreconcilable differences

It's all fun and games until we start getting philosophical, and that's where our differences start. I've long decided to never back down when people, especially him, imply any insult to my faith, so I got too defensive tonight. Even resorted to ignoring when he rationalised his stand. Which isn't much in my opinion. You can't really rationalise yourself out of a conceptual problem.

I'm stubborn and I'm reacting like a girl.

If he was a random person I barely know, I wouldn't have given much thought and will settle with "people have differences". Instead, I got riled up because he's someone I'm very close to and it made me wonder why am I so close to someone with a huge gap between our principles. Are we only best friends until just that? If we can't deal with deep stuffs, doesn't that makes us superficial?

If we want to maintain peace, I'd never breach a topic that will end in this kind of situation. I will let him speak his opinion but I will barely listen to it, let alone share mine, because it will definitely rile me up. But just how long can you mingle together while maintaining ignorance?

Instead of staying over like I initially intended, I ended up walking back to my place even though it was close to midnight. Not smart safety-wise but it was better than staying. I can't live in that kind of situation, not now.

Obviously I need a better grasp at managing differences because I can already imagine myself walking out on my spouse.

Misery loves company

I was planning to write in colloquial Malay but after the second sentence, I don't know what to write. Haha failed. I need to berlatih karangan BM, maybe after the exam. Okay on with today's post.

Today we had our Surgery viva for 20 marks out of the 240 marks allocated for clinical exams. It is so ciput, less than 10% but it could well be the scariest exam out of the four clinical parts. Because Dr. Raafat is one of the examiner.

You know him, right? I wrote a lot about him, click the Surgery label. He taught our class every Tuesday and us classmates were especially very anxious for today's exam because we didn't want to be vivaed by him. I personally believe he likes us Malaysian students in his sadistic way and will give good marks to us, but I cannot handle that much sadistic play on an exam day. The psychological damage!

Yesterday Ara messaged me (rare) with a crying emoji (rarer). When asked why, she told me she was so scared of Dr. Raafat and asked me to pray for her (rarest).

See the effect he has on us? I used to be stressed out every Monday night because I dread tomorrow's class, torn between the tons I will learn from him and the psychological strain learning from him put on me. We had a ward-round-like class with him and even with a kind doctor nobody wanted to take the sheet, what more with a menacing aura like him? Because the one clerking will be broken down word by word, knowledge by knowledge, until you feel stupid and extremely sorry for it.

I ended up almost always have to clerk for my bed (thus the weekly dreading) and presented during our final class project with him. I remember standing there alone in front of the class, looking straight into the lion's eyes and mentally telling myself not to back down. Even when he incessantly fired his questions, our assistant lecturer Dr. Ahmed Abdel Salam pitifully chuckled at me for being butchered (I bet he got worse during their CME session hahaha) and the whole class watched in silent but gleeful pity. I went home that day and told my parents about it. They were grateful I had him for my teacher.

It's okay to die as long as you learn. And we really did learn a hell lot and I have high respect for him. The most important thing I learned from him is to know very well in depth of what I know. Basic has to be extremely polished. You have to have deep understanding of your knowledge (faith?) to remain unshaken and stand despite being tested.

If I could do it all over again, I would study harder for his class. Or maybe not... He's the type to torture you with postgraduate materials when he runs out of undergraduate materials to torture out of you. For God sake he taught us postgraduate level Breast Cancer lecture in our last class with him!

And you haven't got me started on how he takes pride when he fails a student. How he made students felt like they just jumped off a 40-storey after vivaed by him. A single basic mistake like exposing only one side of the breast during examination will earn you an instant 0 for that exam and he will damn follow your progress in other exams in order to fail you.

You understand now why we love learning from him but don't want him as an examiner?

Alhamdulillah, us in the right wing of Dept 25 completed the exam with no sign of him. It was when I got home that I came to know he examined a group in the left wing of Dept 25.

Needless to say how I felt about it. I feel sorry for the psychological damage they might endure, but I'm glad it wasn't me. I hope they enjoyed the learning process as much as we did.

---

I spent my last day in Egypt before flying home for the summer break 2014 loitering at the hospital. I was waiting for someone in front of the OT when Dr. Ahmed Abdel Salam walked into it. He grinned at me in recognition and I grinned back sheepishly.

Hahaha, I wondered if he remembered me as the Girl Butchered By Dr. Raafat.

Late night complaints

I'm not sleeping. I'm not sure whether it's because I can't sleep or because I don't want to sleep. And so you have me here, complaining about life in general.

Lately I'm having attention deficit issue. Perhaps it's worsening due to studying. I can focus a two-hour-plus class but I can't handle a half hour studying session. And when I do something else, my attention span is short too. Like I can't handle more than a minute of watching Youtube. I read online articles and I quit after 3 paragraphs. But I can write a whole post. This is an anomaly.

Next exam is Saturday and I need to hurry up my pace.. but you know me. Let's change topic.

There's this guy who does a lot of short stories and arts infused with Islamic values online named Muhammad R*sydi. I don't read his work because (1) they're in Malay and I need extra effort to read Malay, (2) it's supposed to be Islamic but actually they're sappy romance crap (3) and most importantly their logical level is subpar.

But one day, I decided to give him a chance.

It was about a Instagram-seller housewife cheating on her poor hardworking husband with the photographer of her goods. Finally she was going to ask for a divorce when she evesdropped her husband putting their son to sleep and she realised how much her husband loved her and their family. They made up and she apologized and repented.

So far it was good and I had no complaints, it even revived my hope in contemporary Malay literature. But then the wife did the unthinkable. She smashed her phone and broke her sim card in two after breaking up with her lover to prove to her husband she really is repenting.

The scene was so stupid I couldn't proceed to read the ending. I was like, dude what an overkill. So I commented with my insight.

"Story is good yadayada and I thank you for sharing it with us. Though I think you could use more realism. She's a online seller so she probably use an S3 at least. That phone can block contact and WhatsApp also has the block feature. No need to be such a drama queen."

There stood proudly my logical comment. Among an ocean of "That's so touching", "I cried", "Thank you for such a lovely story", and "(tag spouse's name) you have to read this" kind of comments. Umair didn't dub me AJK Teknikal for nothing.

The author replied me. "Let her be, she was being emotional."

And I was struck by how defensive he was of his work that showed his lack of professionalism. Like, where's my thanks for reading and actually leaving a constructive criticism? Heh. Btw she wasn't just being emotional, she was also being stupid. People should stop portraying females as brainless and emotional, because some are actually brilliant and rational. You don't amputate all cases of arterial injury, do you?

I vowed to never read his writings ever again.

youre 23 so i pray you grow in the crisis management department

hello. havent blogged from a laptop in a long while. so please dont mind the lack of capitalization, typos and no usage of apostrophes.

okay so today (still today since i havent slept yet) was miru's birthday so i went to maadi to buy cupcakes to celebrate despite the harsh wind. i dont know how to wear a scarf and i should probably google how to if im going out anytime sooner. the wind was too harsh for my sissy nose. i packed my inhaler in my backpack just in case.

back to the cuppies, i bought 6 and they costed me le71. walking home i thought how i could bake 20 carrot cupcakes for a quarter of the price. but of course, it would lack the topping (i still cant top cupcakes to save my life. i usually leave them bare or pretend theyre muffins) and the variety of flavours; i bought red velvet, cappucino, apple cinnamon and salted caramel. rather too sweet for my liking, they made me miss the keropok i had for meal the entire day.

but most importantly, baking bare carrot cupcakes for kid sis's birthday would kill the celebratory mood. happy birthday miru. i love you. please continue being a solehah. see the things i do for you. ill upload pic later.

Khalasna Medicine yalla go home!

(1) buy fresh chicken, heaps of vegetables and random groceries
The pakcik misunderstood me and I ended up with 2 kgs of deboned chicken breast worth LE84. That's double the price of the usual bone-intact chicken breast.. Oh well.

(2) cook
Today's dinner is Lazy Hana's soy sauced pasta in chicken and vegetables soup.

(3) eat out at Tahrir and buy books at AUC
While I was cooking, two housemates went out and another binge-sleep.

(4) do laundry
Housemate.

(5) play pranks on housemates
Me me me me! Jiha got annoyed. It is very important to annoy Jiha.

Also today I annoyed Ume during the exam because I needed the bathroom but I don't know where it is. So I stuck to her and went "I need to pee I need to pee I need to pee I need to pee I need to pee I need to pee I need to pee I need to pee" (I am good at repetiting words real fast) she finally turned to me with a glare "senyap dulu boleh?" and walked me to where the bathroom is.

(6) watch the Song Triplet
And I share the same sentiment as everyone else, as in "I want a husband like Ilkook-ssi and make adorable babies like Daehan, Minguk, Manse!"

So it means I have to be as awesome and contributing as their mother the judge first. It goes with my current principle when it comes to marriage: Be great to stand proudly by his side.

(7) jump around humming songs
I am getting better at this pocong-imitating. "Jumping in the back~ground~" while Jiha stared at me half-amused.

(8) go out late just to buy chocolates, Chipsies and yogurt
This is not exactly 24. I passed the mirror on my way down and I looked like a kid. Well come to think of it everything I do is not 24. Except sitting for final MBBCh.

(9) practice handstand
This is hard. May be easier once I lose my kgs.

(10) thorough facial
Starts with washing the face, manually stripping out blackheads, thorough facial scrubbing and I don't know what's next, I already stopped jumping behind housemate and went inside Jiha's cold room (her socket just busted and there's no other socket left to plug the heater) to start my project, which is our next points.

(11) watch Malay telemovies
Adakun watches Zahira and earlier Jiha played the OST on Youtube. I wasn't impressed by the music and so I took over her iPad and played Ajikan live Kimi to Iu Hana. Currently their are watching Istikharah Cinta which sounds too lame for my cool self.

"Kalau tak nak gaduh dengan I, you senyap." See what I'm talking about? WHY ARE WE NOT WATCHING COLD-BLOODED THRILLER.

(12) come up with a video for batch programme with a deadline of 16 hours
It should have been longer, but you know, procrastinating, procrastinating. The girls are sending me pictures as I requested but the influx of messages on my WhatsApp, Telegram and FB overwhelmed me so I have to run from it all.

(13) draft down video ideas and stop halfway to read John Maxwell and then ditched the book to write this post, all the time looping The Vamps
I am lazy. And I have attention deficit problem.

(14) got scolded for wearing lenseless frame
"Hish boleh tak cabut spek tu?" MamaLin complained when she came to my place this afternoon, so I took off my spec and threw it on the floor. It slid, it was cool! Later I discovered scratches on the frame, ah my fault. Sorry Frame-san.

Just now Jiha suddenly glared at me. "Aku tak faham budak ni. Kat luar memang la pakai sebab tak nak orang tahu, tapi kat rumah pun nak kena pakai jugak ke?"

"Bile pakai, ana rasa pandai." Grinned. I always wear my spectacles at school and when I study, so it is an item associated with focus and hard work (Haru-style hard work I mean) and I was supposed to work on the video, right.

The room barked in laughter. Kah3 so fake this kid.

(15) edit posts
I've edited twice and an hour has since lapsed and as expected, no progress on the video. Gaah why am I so lazy!

(16) do EQ quizzes
Both are correct. I like observing human more than interacting with them but when I do, I do it well.

2015

Since it's the new year, let's do resolutions. For 2015 my goal is to:

(1) graduate and start working.
(2) lose 20kgs.
(3) read a real book at least a chapter a day.
(4) eat a serving of fruit at least three times a week.
(5) get a real pet or one like in Kimi Wa Petto.
(6) make more jokes with a straight face.

Happy 2015! Let's make even better memories!

That particular goal is super ambitious, but I'll try.

I want a cat for myself

Today after the 100 Marks Short Case exam I went to Ara's to play with their cats. Smokey (I keep calling her Shadow for some reason) is heavily pregnant again and she is a good girl as always. Xiahki is so big I didn't even attempt holding him. He is like a small Husky now.

Kakak has some sort of eye infection that makes her eyes all red and swollen, like she cried herself buckets. I feel sorry for her and Syaimaa is going to bring her to a vet soon. She's a good girl and came to me for a petting before curling on Ara's books for a sleep.

They have a 4 months old triplet named Daehan, Minguk and Manse. Daehan is a cheeky kitten who doesn't behave like the real Song Daehan. I like his coat colour.

Manse is aptly named and he played catch with the string of my blouse. I leaned on the wall and just let him bite and hung himself on my skirt to reach the string. Only when I was leaving that I realised I let him make holes in my skirt. It's frayed where he hung himself and it's my only good black skirt, hahaha. I really should just stick to jeans.

Minguk is.. the cutest. She's docile and behave well and stayed on my lap as I stroke her. She even saw me to the door.