Today we took Child Psychiatry in class. The class made me remember the mischief I got into when I was in primary school. Too cocky, seriously I was hyperinflated with confidence especially since I had the brain, guts and worst was made prefect since I was nine. My overcompetetiveness then was a little unguided and nowadays I have to lead my life being nice to people and super nice to some to make up for my childhood trouble-making.
I don't think my parents knew what I did then, and any kids of mine is going to have my gene in them thus some part of my personality. I need to keep the best watchful eye I can and always monitor and guide their progress.
It was very worrisome. I worry for my unborn child as to how I'm going to be around to raise him with the career I'm planning. Flashes of him went through my mind with every symptoms and disorders Dr. Azza El Bakry taught us. I worry he would turn out less than the best he could because his parents (me! me!) weren't paying attention.
I don't want that!
Post class, I talked to one of my married friends about what I want and what was plaguing my mind. As a human, it is only natural that I want a child (I want two at least, so they'll always have each other) and my ego and logic that makes me Hana dictate that I be the one to raise them up and be significantly around especially until they make high school.
My ego and logic also dictate that I pursue my career because I know damn well I can do this, my brain is not all fat cells, I can be the sub-specialist I want to be.
They say a single person thinks differently than that of a married person with her own family, but whatever comes, family should make you the best you are and not hold you back. I really sounded unattached, right? Abang Warouq could be reading this and sneering at me. Hi Bawarouq.
Notice how this is all about me, but that is not what a marriage is all about. I am ready to be a good doctor and probably a good mom, but not yet as a good wife much less a good family-member-in-law. If I enter a marriage with just this in mind and my parents are still supporting me, it's highly liable to be unfair to my partner and treat him as a mere sperm donor. We could be easily divorced once I get what I want.
I concluded to her that I can't get married until I can develop a better logical reasoning for a marriage to exist that will suit the want I mentioned. It was a pretty intense discussion, I was somewhat amiably raising my voice at her. She told me that I should discuss this with my partner-
"So I should find a person first then think of marriage? Can't it be the other way around?"
Actually I kind of have the obscurest silhouette of a person in mind, but my reasoning is too feeble to ask for anyone's hand in marriage. I'm not even sure I am motivated enough to commit with all the issues per se. If I do anything in this state and going at this rate, I am no better than a cat in heat.
Haru's note: But Atiqah, you're a difficult human. Maybe it is relevant to a secure an awesome person who'll willingly put up with you and for you to behave for first before we breach the topic of passing gene to the next generation.
-and ended up praying that I'd get the perfect match. She told me to decide on my reasoning myself.
"But then what's the point of having you around? You're married, you should be listing reasons people get married for me and I'll tick off which one suits me."
"No way you have to figure it out yourself!"
"Useless!" I laughed. Really, isn't it the function of married people to help clueless people like me on what marriage is about? Hahahah.
Anyway. I may decide to abort this whole fiasco. If I can't do anything about it, might as well not think about it. I should do something more productive, like work on my two presentations for the 4th and another one on the 5th.
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