بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

TRO dengue

Today is day 2 of illness. Preceded by nearly 1/52 of URTI. Yesterday I've started low grade fever, QID PCM dependent. Woke up every hour with a chill.

Today noted headache, myalgia, loose stool x 1. Still on my time of the month so yeah.

Last meal taken 5pm yesterday. Trying to optimise my fluid intake, calculated about 2.3L per day. Total fluid intake today 1000cc so far. Urine output tak properly chart. Periodically checking my CRT and pulse so far so good but my tongue is coated with dry lips.

Too chicken to take FBC and rapid test now, tunggu balik Kelantan haha... tapi tak tahan la myalgia and fever.

I told Syahmi and Kak Paan. They advice me to stay in crowd. But I'm staying alone at this hotel 10 minutes away from the hospital... Let's pray we survive the night.

On another note, Vicky has been a good bro and look out for me. Luqman asked Vicky where is he taking me and he said Suicide Squad. Luqman nodded and left us alone... not smart bro. Religiously not smart at all. I wouldn't be bothered if there's another person with us.

I miss Omar. Omar would be smarter and more sensitive than this.

Haru in trouble

I'm in trouble. I'm not even in HRPZ but I can't enjoy myself because I'm dreading coming back to HRPZ. I don't want to. I don't want... what should I do?

I thought escaping will alleviate it from my mind, but apparently not. Maybe I just suck at escaping.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Run

Tears pooling. "I don't want to be there."

"You're not there, don't cry. You're not there."

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Saturday, August 20, 2016

In the morning of Day 3 in Paed

I was busy reviewing new case admitted last night. Need to present in full come round. Then I saw Mr. Tar walking into my ward with his team. I looked up at him and he grinned.

"Ha Atiqah. Seronok la duduk Paeds round dengan ayah."

"Salam Mr. Tar. Taaak." I was flattered he recognised me with a face mask on but as he said that the past two days in Paed flashed through my mind and I felt terrible. I miss anywhere but here. To say I miss Surgery will be a flat out lie and the truth is I miss Ortho. I slammed gently onto the cardiac table. "Saya rindu Ortho."

Luqman walked behind him and gestured me to follow their round. "Join sekali."

"Banyak new case tak review lagi la huh."

"Paediatrician are losers." He taunted me. I turned around automatically and stabbed my pen into his jugular and pulled it out. Blood gushed out. He dropped to the ground clutching his neck.

Just kidding. You cannot kill people in ward. I like Luqman alive than dead, if he dies I'll be bored. The real version is I turned around to stab my pen into his jugular but he had already walked to their patient.

So I went back to my patient. Still there when the team made their way out of the ward. Then Kak Paan grinned to me

"Atiqah, lain kali team round, ikut."

I grinned pitifully but yeah. I'll catch up. In the mean time I have to see to my patient.

---

Edited two days later.

Met up with Luqman. He asked why I looked gelabah masa review patient. I asked him to elaborate but he failed to do so eloquently. I'm not sure what he's getting at, but I know at that time I was running out of time.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Gratitude is doing your best

I was napping in the afternoon when my phone rang and it woke me up. It was a call from Mr. Tarmizi the Paed Surgery Consultant. I blinked and stood up, making sure my GCS was full and fully oriented before I pick up the call. I had experience answering in drowsy state with embarrassing effect.

Mr. Tarmizi asked me where I was.
Told him I was at home.
"Are you not working?"
"I am postcall boss."

"Are you joining the Masterclass in two weeks?"
"InshaAllah I will. I will apply leave once I enter Paediatric the day after tomorrow."

"What about the APSA in October?"
"APSA? Yeah Dr. Vicky mentioned to me about this but I haven't decided yet. What is it exactly?"
"Asean Paed Surgery Association, meeting in Prince Court. If you are joining I will find the sponsorship for the RM400 fee for you."

I hesitated. I haven't think so far as to that yet. Didn't even reply V's message either.

"Not sure Mr. Tar. I haven't spoke to my father about this yet."

"Why? Do you have to ask permission to get sponsorship?" I can picture boss calculative grinning as he said this.
"I haven't ask about going yet hehe."
"If you're aiming for the programme then might as well join the path."
"Okay boss. InshaAllah I'll join. Thank you."
"Okay."

And that's it. Mr. Tar is doing his part as a good mentor and I am one hell of a lucky person. Now I have to do my part; study smart and hard to show my gratitude.

---

Today I went to the clinic to settle my exit Ortho procedure and met Mr. Yusof to thank him and apologise for all my comebacks. The event itself is a blog post worthy so I'll write properly later.

Afterwards I said my thanks to Abelong Fadhil who grinned his usual saying he didn't remember teaching me anything, but I know I remember compartment syndrome management and post spinal op complications because of doing rounds with him, plus he's the first person who praised my skin suturing was pretty and that as hell gave me confidence to practice more suturing under Poknik.

Poknik on the other hand grinned and brushed me off. Haha. Yeah you should see me saying goodbye to him. I strolled into his clinic, held my hand up in a hi and tastelessly said "Hari last saya dalam Ortho ni. Bye. Terima kasih Dr. Nik banyak mengajar dan bersabar dengan saya."

"Takdo lah bersabar mano.. hok ni lagi banyok keno bersabar!" He pointed at Mimi sitting in front of him.

He said we'll see each other again and I may even end up as an Orthopaedic MO one day.

"You're into surgical based, right?"
"I am."

I hesitated as I answered Poknik that. I told him once I would probably end up as an Orthopaedic Surgeon if I am not ear-marked by Mr. Tar. Kak Lin came into his clinic when I said my goodbye and pat my shoulder when Poknik said that and told him

"She's going to become a Paed Surgeon."

You know what. I am going to help him with his research. I may not make it as his colleague in Orthopaedic but I am going to do this, because I want to. This is me showing my gratitude to the department which taught me a hell lot. I learned a lot of skills here in Orthopaedic so much more than when I was in Surgical, probably in part because I am a third poster in Ortho as opposed to being a first poster in Surgery.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

The Effect of Trauma on Confidence and Fluency

End of posting assessment with Mr. Rashidee the specialist but the whole team was there as well (biggest mistake I made) so Mr. Yusof the consultant started firing first. Abengoh helpfully (not) suggested Mr. Yusof to viva me renal physiology and calcium metabolism.

"Nak amik exam kan. Saya bagitahu boss deh awak nak amik exam." He whispered.

"Jangan la Dr. Azrul kenapa buat saya macam ni." I seethed trying to whisper in a room full of interrogators.

"Apa dia?" Big boss asked. I immediately looked up smilingly and reassured "Takde pape."

Mr. Yusof grinned. "Soalan pertama. Beruang apa boleh berenang?"

Me thinking semua beruang pun boleh berenang. "Polar bear boleh berenang."

"Okay.. beruang ape boleh terjun?"

"Terjun? Erm."

Mr. Nazir tried to help. "Panda."

Me imagining panda taking a headlong dive from a tree. "Panda boleh terjun?"

"Pandelela laa. Fail dah common question budak ni."

I laughed. Tengah assessment kan of course la I take the questions academically and seriously! "Okay tapi saya faham kenapa dapat jawapan macam tu." 

"Okay soalan lain pulak. Jepun jajah negara kita bila?"

"Oh sheet."

Soalan-soalan seterusnya:
3) Jepun mendarat dekat mana di Malaysia.
4) Nama sebenar Tok Janggut.
5) Tarikh matahari tegak di garisan jadi.
6) Selain garisan jadi ada garisan apa lagi.
7) Riwayat hidup Imam Abu Hanifah.
8) Phases of bone healing.
9) Open fracture classification.
10) Classification of traumatic brain injury.
11) Mangled extremity severity score.
12) Nama penuh AO. (Thenks Poknik, thenks)

Mengharapkan bantuan dari abengoh tapi abengoh busy sengih dan makan nasi takde harapan dah nak jadi lifeline kepada budak helpless ini. Later in the evening I complained to him ni semua salah dia dan Poknik duk panggil saya budak sekolah and he said "terpegun dengar soalan-soalan tadi. Nasib tak tersembur nasi je." 

I'm glad you're happy, heh.

Big bos gave up budak ni tak leh jawab dan suruh balik baca. Budak ni dah stress. Seterusnya soalan assessment yang sebenar dengan Mr. Shidee... alhamdulillah boleh jawab. Mr. Yusof pulak duduk diam dengar jawapan dengan teliti.

Bila Mr. Shidee dah bertanyakan soalan terakhirnya, Mr. Yusof pun sengih kembali dan sambung tanya soalan. "Beza upper dengan lower motor neuron lesion."

Mendengar je suara big boss budak ni terus rasa nak menyumpah dirinya kerana otaknya tetiba kembali stress. Ape dah jawapan dia? Budak ini pun menjawab.

"Jawapan awak ni upper ke lower?"

"Erk." Natang ape dah aku jawab tadi?

"Habis la awak pun dah confuse."

Just extend me boss, or kill me already. Save me from this suffering somebody. Abengoh dari tadi sengih je tak boleh nak tolong.

"Bos, extend dia ni sebulan ke tiga bagi masa nak study Ortho lagi."

I threw abengoh a gasp. Thenks a lot abengoh. I know you like me in the department but don't have to be obvious about it.

"Soalan saya awak boleh jawab tapi soalan Mr. Yusof tak." Mr. Shidee chuckled. Saya stress bos. Stress. Satu soalan tak leh jawab and it went downhill from there. "Saya tahu knowledge awak good." Bos kata. Ye la empat bulan aku kerja dengan mereka, kena ragging masa round dan masa present dekat passover dengan Mr. Anwar..

"So awak nak extend sebulan ke tiga bulan?"

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

I miss Ortho already, haha

Today is my off day.

Last night Kak Lin invited me to watch the department futsal game. I went there as Kak Lin's plus one. The guys have awesome moves and I was quite envious of that. I need to get back into the game.

And today I was supposed to have my assessment with Mr. Shidee. Haha. In the morning I attended the department CME Knee Instability by our Poknik and had the weekly breakfast afterwards with Poknik, Dr. Iqbal, Abengoh Azrul, Kak Lin, all my favourites. Abengoh then looked at his watch, then at me, then said

"Awak habis next week kan? 15hb."

"Haah." I felt honoured he remembered bwahaha.

"Masuk mana?"

"Paeds."

"Nanti senyum tau. Kesian budak-budak takut."

I laughed. "Hahaha jahat gile."

After that I went to the library as everyone dispersed to go for grand ward round. Abengoh called me from behind.

"Awak off eh?"

"Haah nak gi library study."

He nodded muka macam bangga, wahaha sedar tak aku ni spisis esok exam malam ni baru nak study? "Meh nak tanya-"

"Jangaaaan. Hahaha."

---

At 3pm I went to the clinic for assessment with Amirah. Turned out Mr. Shidee had a meeting with PERKESO.

I needed a few more signature for my logbook so I asked from Dr. Faris who readily signed and complained that I need to complete the logbook more and Abengoh who signed twice then he asked where else do I need. No other questions asked.

I tell you, he's favouring me. On my last day in Ortho I'm gonna point this out to him.

We waited for Mr. Shidee, all the time I hang out with Dr. Faris solving Sudoku on his Note. Mr. Anwar saw us all hunched up and focused and he laughed when it turned out we were solving puzzles. Then Abengoh came and sat next to me, Dr. Lana, Dr. Hari and us discussed Pokemon Go while I solved the last puzzle on my own.

At 4pm the MOs were in a hurry to exit the clinic.

"Kenapa kena keluar sekarang?"

"Sebelum Mr. Anwar tangkap ajak lari naik tangga."

Hahahaha okay this is funny. Yeah it would have been fun climbing stairs with the energetic Mr. Anwar if I didn't sustain spinal shock afterwards. It was intense!

Mr. Shidee was still in the meeting, so I stopped by the door frame for a second to reschedule. He saw me and yeah.. Esok la jadinya. Haha.

On my way out of the clinic, Dr. Annas walked behind me. He called me out.

"Extend."

That's a good idea but "Kalau saya kena extend, lambat la saya jadi MO."

"Takpe."

I laughed. See you tomorrow Dr. Annas.

Tuesday, August 09, 2016

Mr. Tar forever my big boss

Bertembung Mr. Tarmizi di depan lif. Big bos sengih tengok aku. Aku sengih balik separa cuak bos nak ape nape sengih gitu.

Bos sambil tunjuk arah SOPD, "Atiqah. CME."

Aku angkat gulungan POP di tangan. "Nak pasang backslab patient dulu bos."

"Backslab pulak.."

Dan patik pun masuk lif yang sudah tiba. Bye bos. HO Ortho kena berkhidmat untuk Department Ortho haha.

Friday, August 05, 2016

Thank you for the confidence!

"Tiqah tinggal jahit subcutaneous dan skin deh. Kitorang gi Jumaat deh."

Dr. Kimi laju tengok Poknik sekilas. Aku pun. "Subcut pun? Serious?"

"Ye. Nak habis Ortho dah kan 15hb ni. MO Ortho dah."

"Haah lojik jugak. Beres, tinggal." I said.

Safely closed subcutaneous and skin. Puas hati. Later I needed Dr. Kimi to certify the op note I wrote. Dia terus minta pen nak sign.

"Nak sign je ke, tak nak baca saya tulis apa? Hehe."

Dr. Kimi grinned. "MO dah kan."

"Hahaha."

But he read anyway. Made no comment though haha aku tulis terbaik dah kot.

Edited 7/8/16

Today I asked for Dr. Kimi's signature for my logbook for the BKA I assisted.

"Ni BKA yang awak close haritu?"

"Haah."

"Sign sendiri la. Awak buat kan."

"Bwahaha."

---

Tadi Poknik kata "Ada dua orang je yang tak takut Mr. Zakaria."

"Isteri dia?"

"Atiqah dan Syamimi." I laughed. "Atiqah tak takut pastu firm. Mimi dia tak takut pastu cakap banyak. Penat layan."

Wednesday, August 03, 2016

Mostly skema, jujur to a fault, kadang2 baik

Logbook aku 3/4 je berisi. Cukup la tu. Minta one last sign from one particular MO for the suturing I did myself. "Satu ni je, thanks."

He signed. Pastu dia belek buku.

"Kosong ni. Nak habis dah kan. Nanti kena extend."

"Saya isi logbook as it is. Dah memang yang ni je saya ada."

"Haa bagus sangat. Orang lain camne? Si Faisal ni berapa percent je memang dia buat?"

MO proceeded to sign and stamp empty spaces in my logbook.

"Doktor sign free-free buku saya? Thank you." I stared in awe.. and then annoyance started to set in. "Ala celah mana saya nak isi detail ni. Saya dah la tak suka isi logbook."

"Saya pun tak suka jugak. Tapi terpaksa."

And he kept signing empty spaces. Sayang gila aku kat MO ni. Tahu la aku budak baik.

Tuesday, August 02, 2016

Bias at its best

My colleague and I went to menghadap Abengoh Azrul one of our senior MOs for his signature for our logbook. He is known to viva houseman before endorsing his signature, but I was planning to get him sign my logbook for free. One time when the three of us were in the OT, Pofin joked that I broke my spectacle during Surgery posting because I was running after Dr. Helmi for his signature (it was a joke. I broke it running when a patient desaturated.) Dr. Azrul then said "kalau macam tu, meh aku sign buku kau bila-bila" proud at my enthusiasm, though I did tell him Pofin was joking.

I was holding to his words. The first time I got his signature was right before I need to hand in my logbook for Spine Team assessment. I was running late to hand it in but I need one more signature, someone beside Poknik and Rahman, and so I ran to the clinic and plopped down beside Dr. Azrul.

"Dr. Azrul. Saya perlukan tanda tangan please. Satu je. Nak hantar logbook ke Mr. Shuk sekarang. Please."

I was gasping from running. Dr. Azrul looked at me suspiciously.

"Bertenang, tarik nafas."

The signature I needed was for a DFU case I clerked during my tagging period, which was a good three months ago. Haha.

"Dah lambat. Please boss." Like the shameless little sister I am, I call people boss only when I need something from them. Dr. Pije in front of him was laughing at me.

"Bertenang, tarik nafas."

Then he coolly signed my book. I thanked him and ran off to find Mr. Shuk who was in the next room, hahaha. After that I came back to sit beside Dr. Azrul and hang out with him and Dr. Pije.

So today, there he was vivaing Pofin hip dislocation while I periodically interrupt their viva session to point out where I need him to sign on my logbook. Then Pofin and I went for our assessment with our specialist.

Only later did I realise Pofin was the only one he vivaed but it was only my logbook that he signed. I pointed this out to Pofin and all he could say was "tahu takpe. Aku tak dapat sampai sudah. Menciii."

Bwahaha. Indeed Dr. Azrul is a man of his word. I guess I owe a lot of people lunch.

As I'm writing this, I am eating my birthday cake

I like the bitterness of coffee but not that of chocolate. Chocolate has to be sweet. This chocolate cheesecake is not something I will buy again, I will probably always stick to the regular cheesecake with whatever fruity sauce on top.

I suppose my palate is not for bittersweet. But I am partial to bittersweet romance.

I am 26 years and 4 days old today. Mom planned to celebrate my birthday together with two of my younger siblings, so I'm eating cake now before my inner self starts to cry from abandonment. I bought a slice of this and a slice of the all-time favourite chocolate indulgent and asked the cashier to write "live proud" on them. To write "happy birthday" is too petty.

Maybe I'll buy lunch and a whole cake for JRU team on Thursday. I better ask Poknik and Dr. Azrul what they want to eat.

I wish to become more mannered and wiser. To pass my Part 1 if I am inducted to sit for it this September. And to be married before I graduate housemanship.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Of course I'm everyone's favourite...

Today was EMSA gathering. I got roped in by Abang Nipah aaargh as my dad's namesake I cannot defy him. Anyway I was looking after the registration and updating the Facebook as we commenced.

Nash arrived, saw me at the counter and smiled. As always I was smitten, but then he said

"Dah study ke untuk September?"

I facepalmed. "Kenapa buat saya stresssss."

"Ye la nak exam kan kena la study."

My God. I love this guy but really. Why is everyone talking about exam? #cries

Later Bang Nipah piled on more job for me and handed down his title to Nash because he will soon sit for his Year 2 exam and go for Year 3 which will be tougher on his time. Nash grinned at me and started piling jobs on me as well.

And they got me. Damn they know I can't say no to them.

---

Today updated on Mr. Zaidi's Facebook was him granted the title Dato'. Wow. Just, wow. Mr. Zaidi my surgeon kesayangan, the cute surgeon with "seluar macam nak terlondeh" as dad said haha is now a Dato'. I cannot imagine calling him Dato' Zaidi bwahaha he's too cute for datoship.

Anyway of course I was happy and congratulated him on Facebook. Of course I immediately messaged Gossipmonger Luqman asking what have Mr. Zaidi done to earn that title.

Mr. Zaidi replied me with "Tq future surgeon Dr. Atiqah" and I blushed bwahahahahaha okay now I must study for MRCS. But I'm busy

1) EMSA news x 1 (ala buat la cepat nanti basi)
2) taip balik natang ape tu (important not urgent)
3) study Orthopaedic cepat la nak EOP esok lusa
4) compiling list to buy books
5) project research with Poknik
6) self project blast injury ape citer
7) case summary malrotation in Hirschsprung ni ape citer

But mostly I want to do nothing. Esok aku oncall balik, Orthobay pulak tu, I really want to just sleep tonight.

Haru & Associates