بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

They told me to not be a girl

We have a baby under our care at the NICU planning for a radiological investigation soon, but Fateh is still ventilated and who is going to accompany the baby; ICU team or the instigating team? Today our surgeon asked me and I said

"Ikut hati saya," while making forms for the blood I took. "Saya lagi confident Medical hantar patient dari HO Surgery."

Because let's face it, can they manage the ventilation part? When I was in Surgery, I couldn't.

"Kenapa kena ikut hati kau. Penting ke." Dr. Zafran taunted.

The MOs are used to bickering with me and it has become a regular for them, but I'm getting tired of being constantly treated harshly by the people I like. I know we're friends and we hang out together, but when we're talking about cases do I have to even request we be civil and professional? In front of the bosses no less?

So I answered sharply. "Penting sebab saya yang jaga dia." And that shut him up.

Afterwards I asked Luqman of the plan he wrote when Mr. Ruzaimie saw the case that I referred last night.

"What was the first word? I couldn't read your writing."


"Oh okay." I'll look it up, I'm not familiar with that term.

He was shutting the door behind him when he answered me but he made a double turn.

"The eyes don't see what the mind doesn't know." And then he left.

I held my tongue from making a comeback. I know he's in a midlife crisis but there was no need to be hateful like that. And what I asked was regarding a case, nothing personal. So why make a personal comment?

It's a good thing I am becoming a surgeon because I have a clear vision of what I want. Had I been a lesser person I would have abandoned these people. The surgeons are great, Dr. Aizat and Dr. Vicky support me academically, my sisters are amiable with me but these two idiots for MOs are pushing my limit, Luqman especially. It matters to me because I consider him my bro and I am stupidly sentimental, and he and Dr. Zafran are pushing it. Don't they see the lines between friends and professionalism?

If this happens again, if they can't stay professional and I keep taking this personally, I'm going to say "that's it" and walk out of this brotherhood.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

I should act more like a lady (keyword here is should)

These three days has been fun. Whenever I'm bored I will naturally follow my bros around; one is ongoing midlife crisis, another who introduced me to his colleagues as "my boss" or "who is making my life miserable" and another one is a natural bully me.

I learned a lot from Dr. Zafran but he's a funny crazy guy so I naturally became relentless and talked back making their colleagues lifted eyebrows in surprise.

"MO ke HO?" Dr. Mad (was MO HRPZ) said.
"Saya HO."
"Macam ni ye HO sekarang.." Dr. Zaim (V's first year colleague) said.
"Dengan Dr. Zafran je saya macam ni." Sambung gaduh dengan Japran.

One time I turned to kopiah-wearing Dr. Fadli (was MO HRPZ) after Dr. Zafran wouldn't stop annoying me and I asked

"Masa Dr. Fadli MO HRPZ memang layan HO macam ni ke?"

"Haah kami memang layan HO macam ni. Kami siap digalakkan lagi."

"Nevermind I asked the wrong guy.."


Today Dr. Zaim addressed me by my name. I think I might have been too reckless here.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

ASPS 2016 Precongress Meeting

L smiled at me. I know that smile.

"Tiq, tolong ambilkan bag (pendaftaran) for me."

Nice me went and dealt with the secretariat. This dude didn't register with his proper name, nasib baik this then-reporter had a penchant for remembering people's full name. Came back and handed him his.

Japran: Mane aku punya.

I glared him but nice me went and met the secretariat again. She obviously sympathised with bullied me.

Me: Nah.
Japran: Buatkan kopi sekali.

My legs moved to play the servant role but I might spit in his coffee.. so I said no.


Dr. Fadli: Eh cite la pasal xxx.
Mustaq: HO tak boleh dengar.
Me: Okay. (Stood up)
Mustaq: Ala gurau je.

I went away anyway because I'm nice and don't do gossip. I left them boys to what they do best (gossiping) until later Mustaq called me out.

Mustaq: Hang pernah tengok Ghostbuster?
Me: Tak.
Mustaq: Duduk sini semula.
I dragged my chair into their cycle.

Camne tak dapat prostate asyik lepak dengan abang2 je, tapi kakak2 tak ajak lepak sekali hmm.

Sunday, October 09, 2016

Dad said surgeon is pulling my leg but cmon I'm having a heart attack now

I was on clinic duty today and was busy until 5pm. I trotted out towards Anggerik hoping to catch a surgeon to guide me with the ASPS poster. When I got there Mr. Ruzaimie was in the house discussing with my MOs and I plopped my head on the counter silently until boss turned around to notice me.

"Salam bos. I need help."

Boss went through my abstract and gave pointers. "Get ready with the questions they're going to ask you and rehearse to answer in one minute. Rehearse baik-baik sebab saya tak rasa saya ada untuk tolong korang. Masa tu waktu makan."

"Bossss jangan buat saya macam niii." I squirmed like the #HOpalingmanja I am.

Then I realised they're not treating me like a houseman. Told this to my pops and he was gleefully laughing at me. Yesterday I merengek to abengoh as well and he laughed at me.

I know I know, in the past HOship is only for a year and logically once you finish HO training for that posting you are basically a junior MO there but WHYYY IS THIS HAPPENING TO MEEEEE

Just now I sent boss a copy of my abstract and he replied with

"I just downloaded dozen of papers for you."

Thanks boss I feel so manja now. Sobs thank you boss. Gastro round on me.


So Dr. Zafran was pissing me off then he asked for my journal subscription password.

"Why should I give my password to you."

"Sebab kitorang jumpa ayah awak pagi tadi. Minggu lepas jumpa abang awak. Kakak ipar awak pun dah jumpa. Habis satu family dah jumpa."

"Ape kaitan pagi tadi saya pun jumpa ayah saya."

I gave him anyway. Back home I asked dad if he met the Surgery team this morning.

"Haah papa on the way pergi klinik."

"Diorang kata apa."

"Takde pape. Diorang senyum dan tegur papa."

Bwahaha ingatkan discuss benda serius rupanya standard anak buah jumpa bos je hahahah.

Thursday, October 06, 2016

Let's sleep

I was on postnatal ward duty with Pofin yesterday and we realised we haven't worked side-by-side in a long time.

"Bila kita nak oncall sekali. Malam tu gerenti tak tidur," Pofin commented.

I rolled my eyes. We both are jonah people and I love this guy but not enough to sacrifice my sleep for him.

Wednesday, October 05, 2016

That's what sisters do

For the upcoming ASPS another houseman by the name Jihan is coming. She is a final poster nurtured by Mr. Tar as well. I've heard her name but I don't know her.

"Stay with her in KL. Keep her company."

"Why. I don't know her."

"Get to know her la. Give her a call."

"I don't know her. I should not be talking to strangers. Kalau dia lelaki takpe jugak. I'm straight."

"Then you go stay with Vicky la."



"Actually you ate my favourite part of the chicken."

"I did?"

"Yes that's my favourite part of the chicken. Don't let it happen again."

"Okay I'll remember that so that it will happen again."

"Are you trying to piss me off."

Monday, October 03, 2016

Referring cases to bro be like

"Salam Luqman, Atiqah ni HO Paeds dari SCN-"

"Cut the formality. What's up?"

"Nak refer baby from SCN for liver biopsy."

"Okay tunggu situ. I'll go find you."

Fastest referral ever. But why want to find me. I want to go home and sleep. It was straightforward he should let me sell my case then decide whether it warrant Surgical review or not. But nevermind otherwise I wouldn't be seeing him.

Maka mengantuk la budak postcall ni tunggu abangnya tak sampai lagi. How did I got caught by my MO to refer cases at noon?

Bro came. Discussed case with him. Bro clerked.

"So biopsy ni bawah Radio or bawah kita?"

"By kita you mean?" He grinned.

"Surgical." Of course.

He grinned wider. "But you're in Paeds."

"Yes. Fine nevermind."

"You're in the team."

"I know."

He sat down to write his review and asked "Surat referral mana?"


"That's your excuse? I expect higher from you."

Later bro took his leave.

"Thanks for your time."

"Thanks bro."

"Though a waste of my time."

"Thank you for your company."

Saturday, October 01, 2016

I didn't spend time with the Ortho crew for nothing

I don't watch Malay drama because our industry sucks. So I watch English drama hoping they will not suck as much.

I was watching Hawaii 5-0 and Chin was fighting this villain and he threw the bad guy out of the window, down the five storey building and camera showed poor guy fall buttock first onto the roof of a car.

Ooh nice fall. Dude not gonna make it. That's a fractured ischial tuberosity up to coccyx, vertebraes fracture, cerebral concussion, what else. Even if he survives this he's not gonna be walking again, spinal cord injury this bad.

So the crew came down to see the body and I was surprised body not there. I was pissed.
What the hell I've had patient fall from a lesser height and couldn't even move his toes! Gaaaah what is this medical miracle!

Tuesday, September 27, 2016


The babe is two days old. I need to prick him for 1.5cc of blood. Pricked the babe and he cried with tears. He cried all through the procedure despite my somewhat soothing words and once done, I secured the prick site and quickly picked him up.

He calmed down instantly. It was magical. All he needed was a cuddle, not even D10%. That baby is so manja, so so manja. I couldn't put him down so I cleaned up while holding him in one hand. Then I pushed his cot out from the Procedure Room all the way to his mother, holding him close to me.

I like babies. They're so cute and I always talk to them about kissing them. I also want to cut them up.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Bullied at ECPSU 2016

We had Paed Surgery East Coast Update last Sunday and Monday. I used my postcall-off to attend. Was late on the first day and Mr. Tar caught me registering at 2.30pm.

"Atiqah. Kenapa baru datang?"

"Postcall boss. Baru habis round."

Had two deaths and another resuscitating from 2am to 11am but kid succumbed. I showered, followed round, ate KFC otw to HUSM.

Anyway at the end of the event. Luqman was supposed to conduct the quiz session but he handed it over to Syahmi and I.

"Ape jawapan dia?" I didn't even know the questions.

"Goreng je."

"Why did I tolerate you?"

He looked at me like I'm the crazy one before huffing. "Ah diam la."

He really is like a brother now. I've hit him before, one of these days I'm really going to murder him.. I'll resus him afterwards.

And after the event. Luqman told me to haul the bunting and stands and printer back in my car "sebab kitorang ada Kelisa je, tak muat."


"Cepat sikit."

"Pergi amik kereta sekarang." That was Mustaq.

I glared the guys with a death grin but they took me as harmless. I've always listen well to my MOs. Anyway Luqman said he's going to take it from my house but stuffs still in my car. I took it to work and asked him to tell his henchmen to take it from my car and he said okay.

On Friday and stuffs still in my car. It took me two takes to carry everything back to Anggerik from Unit Angkut and that sweat me out. Bunting empat, stand lima and heavy each, printer satu. I didn't bother notifying him because I know it be useless anyway. Not my style to note people multiple times. I still like him as a bro but why la I chose such a guy for a bro. Am I into uselessness?

Omar and Helmi were at the event as well. Helmi said I looked more matured. I asked him what he meant and he said

"Sebelum ni macam budak-budak."

Haha thenks..

Omar. Haha. What should I say. I guess I'll just wait in this few more months of housemanship and see where this go.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

HO paling manja

Semalam oncall clerk kes sorang2 dalam hujan. Tengok atas nampak Ortho datang round with Mr. Shidee boss. Hati jadi sayu. Nak join tapi tengah clerk kes. Rindunya Mr. Shidee.

Kebetulan kes aku clerk tu katil sebelah patient Ortho review tu. Aku pergi sebelah tak kacau bos round. Nak tegur nanti termenangis sebab happy nampak boss tapi tak tegur rasa bersalah. Curi pandang macam tu je..

Tapi bos nampak. Mr. Shidee saw me and beliau sengih dan angkat kening. Atiqah pun cair. Kalau boss perempuan memang aku pergi peluk dan mengendeng macam kucing dah. Angkat tangan hai dan "Salam Mr. Shidee, apa khabar?"

Dr. Syahmi sengih tengok aku. "Awak Paeds?"

Me dengan hati sayu "Haah saya sini sekarang."

Diorang pun sambung pergi lain. Atiqah sambung clerk kes dengan hati sayu.

I told this to my dad "rasa macam kurang kasih sayang, nampak bos dan bos cam Ika pun Ika rasa happy nak peluk dia" and he said I have been loved.


I admit I love Ortho and it is officially my favourite and most beloved posting (poor me I still have three postings to go through yet not giving them a chance to woo me). But I hang out professionally with my Surgical brothers despite never really proclaiming I love Surgery, because truth is I have not been able to pinpoint what I love about Surgery.

And I believe I am in the team. Surgeons are keeping me in the loop and one even updated me the case like I am their own. Even now when they do they rounds and they see me nearby they tell me things like "Atiqah, team round kena join". I know they're joking because cmon I am a HO serving another department, but in good faith they are making me feel like part of the team.

And so, I stay. I don't deny I am fickle but I have always been loyal. Now to return all those faith with hardwork and studying.


It's decided. I'm going to be an Anaes HO for the sake of hanging out in OT. When it's Poknik or Abengoh in the lead I will ask my MO's permission to join them instead.

"Poknik nak close boleh? Pleaaaase."

And Poknik will say yes.

Thursday, September 08, 2016

Because Ortho MOs are my MOs and friends, I owe them four happy months of my life

If I have to choose between my Surgical bros and my Ortho MOs, I'll choose Ortho in a heartbeat. Like that one time Luqman came to review an intraabd in our ward and saw me and wanted to pull me out for breakfast but Dr. Syahmi just pulled me down to Orthobay and I told him

"Sorry bro, oncall, Orthobay dah manggil."

And Luqman was

"Bro, you turn your back on me."

So I just waved the diva goodbye.

Come to think of it, it's always been work before bros. But I can see events play out. Like Luqman calling me out for a cuppa but then I saw Kak Lin and immediately hug her and make plans, even if she's busy have to go to OT I'll follow her with a "I'll scrub and assist".

He will turn disapproving and say "Bro we made plans first."

And I'll be crude and say "Who are you" and pull Kak Lin away.

Or if I meet Poknik or Abengoh on the street and I'll ask them what were they up to, is there a case to see or somebody's leg to mend. I'll follow them and if I'm jobless need to attend OT to regain my senses, I'll choose an Ortho OT with either of them or Pokpa over Mr. Tar and the crew.

Because I'm, as Kak Paan said, already in the Surgery team. So I'll be fickle and spend my free time with the team I like the most, where I flourished most Surgically. Which is the Orthopod.


Hatim saw that I enjoyed Ortho very very much. I told him yeah, if I decide not to take Paed I'll be an Ortho Surgeon for sure. I told him because that was where I sharpened my skill surgically so I owe them a hell lot.

Hatim said it was owing to the fact I was a third poster in Ortho (damn imma fourth poster now what the hell does it mean) with more confidence in myself and the MOs can see that,

"and all that owes to the basic you gained from Surgery. So you owe it to your first posting as well."

I know he's right, but it doesn't change the fact I love Ortho most. Haha. You know how you're in love with someone but you marry someone else? This must be it.


When we were in HKL for the Masterclass, Vicky went around introducing me to some of the other Master students. There's this one Chinese MO I didn't catch his name, but V introduced me to him as "she's my HO in Kota Bharu, doing Paed Surgery, she can do appendix already."

And my face went 'where the hell did that came from' because we all know HRPZ ain't Kuching.

When we were leaving they were trying to pull me out of following Mr. Tar to the airport via taxi and join them for a cuppa instead. Luqman was being stupid and questioned why would I rather go on a date with an old guy and I would have hit him had I the energy. He didn't know I was feverish TRO dengue.

I think V knows I needed the company and transport because of my health issue. But he did encourage me to spend more time with them (I spent most free time hanging out with V because I don't have other time. I can spend time with Luqman in KB if we choose to) saying to the Chinese MO

"This girl she's so straight. A ruler will lose to her." Because I, really, couldn't say no to Mr. Tar.

"Then the ruler has a problem, not her." Was what the MO said. Haha. I need to put a name to the face soon.


Btw Vicky send me an email editing my abstract. I need to sleep two hours ago. I'll read his email tomorrow... haha.


I went to work. I was the first HO to arrive haha why oh why. I was feeling nauseated since the car ride and was barely standing during second patient review.

Surgery came to review around 8 plus and I saw Luqman came in later but I didn't say hi nor did he saw me. I later went to the counter to trace results. Then suddenly someone showed up leaning in from my left.

"Why are you crying?"

"Huh?" It was Luqman. "I'm not."

"Your eyes are red. You look like you cried."

"Nauseated since morning."

"Why are you working?"

"I'm still on MC. Datang to test power. Sabtu dah oncall."

I went back to work. I felt sicker talking about this. He turned around and just before leaving back to join the round

"Good luck."

"Thanks." I remember thinking luck is all I have now, strength not so much.

We didn't talk much. Me from lethargy, him from not knowing what to say or less likely from not wanting to tire me more. Later I went to the toilet. My face was flushed. I looked sick.

Wednesday, September 07, 2016

Why are we doing this again?

Today I watched The Dark Knight Rises on KIX. I was inspired by Batman.. to take an eight years leave.

I am tired. Good thing is that this isn't just my talk, my dad notices this as well. I am officially still riding on the aftermath of dengue with hepatitis. I feel like I'm running on a third of my usual battery.. I really want my energy back.

Aunty Lua my insurance agent came over today. I thought I was okay but holding a conversation with her took more from me than I expected. She said I looked so tired and was even sweating. Yeah I feel exhausted when all I did was talk to her.

So I mentioned to mom I'm tired, more tired than doing tagging, and feel like taking a one month leave. Mom told me to stop whining and be grateful I don't have kids or a husband yet... what? 

This means I am back to work tomorrow. Not excited. Let's just live one day at a time.

Haru & Associates