بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Bullied at ECPSU 2016

We had Paed Surgery East Coast Update last Sunday and Monday. I used my postcall-off to attend. Was late on the first day and Mr. Tar caught me registering at 2.30pm.

"Atiqah. Kenapa baru datang?"

"Postcall boss. Baru habis round."

Had two deaths and another resuscitating from 2am to 11am but kid succumbed. I showered, followed round, ate KFC otw to HUSM.

Anyway at the end of the event. Luqman was supposed to conduct the quiz session but he handed it over to Syahmi and I.

"Ape jawapan dia?" I didn't even know the questions.

"Goreng je."

"Why did I tolerate you?"

He looked at me like I'm the crazy one before huffing. "Ah diam la."

He really is like a brother now. I've hit him before, one of these days I'm really going to murder him.. I'll resus him afterwards.

And after the event. Luqman told me to haul the bunting and stands and printer back in my car "sebab kitorang ada Kelisa je, tak muat."

"Okay."

"Cepat sikit."

"Pergi amik kereta sekarang." That was Mustaq.

I glared the guys with a death grin but they took me as harmless. I've always listen well to my MOs. Anyway Luqman said he's going to take it from my house but stuffs still in my car. I took it to work and asked him to tell his henchmen to take it from my car and he said okay.

On Friday and stuffs still in my car. It took me two takes to carry those things to carry everything and that sweat me out. Bunting empat, stand lima and heavy each, printer satu. I didn't bother notifying him because I know it be useless anyway. Not my style to note people multiple times. I still like him as a bro but why la I chose such a guy for a bro. Am I into uselessness?

Omar and Helmi were at the event as well. Helmi said I looked more matured. I asked him what he meant and he said

"Sebelum ni macam budak-budak."

Haha thenks..

Omar. Haha. What should I say. I guess I'll just wait in this few more months of housemanship and see where this go.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

HO paling manja

Semalam oncall clerk kes sorang2 dalam hujan. Tengok atas nampak Ortho datang round with Mr. Shidee boss. Hati jadi sayu. Nak join tapi tengah clerk kes. Rindunya Mr. Shidee.

Kebetulan kes aku clerk tu katil sebelah patient Ortho review tu. Aku pergi sebelah tak kacau bos round. Nak tegur nanti termenangis sebab happy nampak boss tapi tak tegur rasa bersalah. Curi pandang macam tu je..

Tapi bos nampak. Mr. Shidee saw me and beliau sengih dan angkat kening. Atiqah pun cair. Kalau boss perempuan memang aku pergi peluk dan mengendeng macam kucing dah. Angkat tangan hai dan "Salam Mr. Shidee, apa khabar?"

Dr. Syahmi sengih tengok aku. "Awak Paeds?"

Me dengan hati sayu "Haah saya sini sekarang."

Diorang pun sambung pergi lain. Atiqah sambung clerk kes dengan hati sayu.

I told this to my dad "rasa macam kurang kasih sayang, nampak bos dan bos cam Ika pun Ika rasa happy nak peluk dia" and he said I have been loved.

---

I admit I love Ortho and it is officially my favourite and most beloved posting (poor me I still have three postings to go through yet not giving them a chance to woo me). But I hang out professionally with my Surgical brothers despite never really proclaiming I love Surgery, because truth is I have not been able to pinpoint what I love about Surgery.

And I believe I am in the team. Surgeons are keeping me in the loop and one even updated me the case like I am their own. Even now when they do they rounds and they see me nearby they tell me things like "Atiqah, team round kena join". I know they're joking because cmon I am a HO serving another department, but in good faith they are making me feel like part of the team.

And so, I stay. I don't deny I am fickle but I have always been loyal. Now to return all those faith with hardwork and studying.

---

It's decided. I'm going to be an Anaes HO for the sake of hanging out in OT. When it's Poknik or Abengoh in the lead I will ask my MO's permission to join them instead.

"Poknik nak close boleh? Pleaaaase."

And Poknik will say yes.

Thursday, September 08, 2016

Because Ortho MOs are my MOs and friends, I owe them four happy months of my life

If I have to choose between my Surgical bros and my Ortho MOs, I'll choose Ortho in a heartbeat. Like that one time Luqman came to review an intraabd in our ward and saw me and wanted to pull me out for breakfast but Dr. Syahmi just pulled me down to Orthobay and I told him

"Sorry bro, oncall, Orthobay dah manggil."

And Luqman was

"Bro, you turn your back on me."

So I just waved the diva goodbye.

Come to think of it, it's always been work before bros. But I can see events play out. Like Luqman calling me out for a cuppa but then I saw Kak Lin and immediately hug her and make plans, even if she's busy have to go to OT I'll follow her with a "I'll scrub and assist".

He will turn disapproving and say "Bro we made plans first."

And I'll be crude and say "Who are you" and pull Kak Lin away.

Or if I meet Poknik or Abengoh on the street and I'll ask them what were they up to, is there a case to see or somebody's leg to mend. I'll follow them and if I'm jobless need to attend OT to regain my senses, I'll choose an Ortho OT with either of them or Pokpa over Mr. Tar and the crew.

Because I'm, as Kak Paan said, already in the Surgery team. So I'll be fickle and spend my free time with the team I like the most, where I flourished most Surgically. Which is the Orthopod.

---

Hatim saw that I enjoyed Ortho very very much. I told him yeah, if I decide not to take Paed I'll be an Ortho Surgeon for sure. I told him because that was where I sharpened my skill surgically so I owe them a hell lot.

Hatim said it was owing to the fact I was a third poster in Ortho (damn imma fourth poster now what the hell does it mean) with more confidence in myself and the MOs can see that,

"and all that owes to the basic you gained from Surgery. So you owe it to your first posting as well."

I know he's right, but it doesn't change the fact I love Ortho most. Haha. You know how you're in love with someone but you marry someone else? This must be it.

---

When we were in HKL for the Masterclass, Vicky went around introducing me to some of the other Master students. There's this one Chinese MO I didn't catch his name, but V introduced me to him as "she's my HO in Kota Bharu, doing Paed Surgery, she can do appendix already."

And my face went 'where the hell did that came from' because we all know HRPZ ain't Kuching.

When we were leaving they were trying to pull me out of following Mr. Tar to the airport via taxi and join them for a cuppa instead. Luqman was being stupid and questioned why would I rather go on a date with an old guy and I would have hit him had I the energy. He didn't know I was feverish TRO dengue.

I think V knows I needed the company and transport because of my health issue. But he did encourage me to spend more time with them (I spent most free time hanging out with V because I don't have other time. I can spend time with Luqman in KB if we choose to) saying to the Chinese MO

"This girl she's so straight. A ruler will lose to her." Because I, really, couldn't say no to Mr. Tar.

"Then the ruler has a problem, not her." Was what the MO said. Haha. I need to put a name to the face soon.

---

Btw Vicky send me an email editing my abstract. I need to sleep two hours ago. I'll read his email tomorrow... haha.

Bros

I went to work. I was the first HO to arrive haha why oh why. I was feeling nauseated since the car ride and was barely standing during second patient review.

Surgery came to review around 8 plus and I saw Luqman came in later but I didn't say hi nor did he saw me. I later went to the counter to trace results. Then suddenly someone showed up leaning in from my left.

"Why are you crying?"

"Huh?" It was Luqman. "I'm not."

"Your eyes are red. You look like you cried."

"Nauseated since morning."

"Why are you working?"

"I'm still on MC. Datang to test power. Sabtu dah oncall."

I went back to work. I felt sicker talking about this. He turned around and just before leaving back to join the round

"Good luck."

"Thanks." I remember thinking luck is all I have now, strength not so much.

We didn't talk much. Me from lethargy, him from not knowing what to say or less likely from not wanting to tire me more. Later I went to the toilet. My face was flushed. I looked sick.

Wednesday, September 07, 2016

Why are we doing this again?

Today I watched The Dark Knight Rises on KIX. I was inspired by Batman.. to take an eight years leave.

I am tired. Good thing is that this isn't just my talk, my dad notices this as well. I am officially still riding on the aftermath of dengue with hepatitis. I feel like I'm running on a third of my usual battery.. I really want my energy back.

Aunty Lua my insurance agent came over today. I thought I was okay but holding a conversation with her took more from me than I expected. She said I looked so tired and was even sweating. Yeah I feel exhausted when all I did was talk to her.

So I mentioned to mom I'm tired, more tired than doing tagging, and feel like taking a one month leave. Mom told me to stop whining and be grateful I don't have kids or a husband yet... what? 

This means I am back to work tomorrow. Not excited. Let's just live one day at a time.

Saturday, September 03, 2016

When it rains, it pours

As expected, I had dengue. Not just NS1 positive with warning signs, I came to the hospital late with compensated shock. Stayed a good five days in the ward, clocked an RM9,000 bill and discharged with hepatitis. And it's worsening.

I was given MC until next Thursday but I'm a houseman, I've used up all my leaves for this posting unless I go to work tomorrow. Not a problem.. except I'm not 100% confident enough. I'm pretty sure I'll pass out at work.

Now what?

---

I don't get much visitors so those who came deserve hall of fame. Mizah Muhammad came on my second day of admission when I was having high grade fever. She came through the door so chirpy with a basket of apples and flower and I would throw my phone at her for being noisy had I not felt so lonely.

Pofin and Akram came and God, I love this Pofin guy. He was so annoying I would throw him out of the window had I have the energy. He stared at my untouched lunch hungrily so I offered him and dude ate my linguini in creamy sauce with the gusto of a famished mountain man. Then he made himself at home, cleaned after himself, studied from my book and then the both of them took me down to Gloria Jean's. Mom gave the go because I needed the change and both said they'll have my back should I fall. (I didn't fall, I cleverly leaned on the wall most of the time).

Kak Rehan brought Ezma with her and we gossiped about Paed staff.

Teacher Midah came telling me about some news regarding my primary school acquaintances.

Kie came during my defervescence phase, just as I was feeling better and we dissed each other a lot like good old times. Yuni then came with Amalina one of our primary school senior.

I was sleeping from Piriton when Fadzlin and Gmah came. I greeted them sleepily and Gmah was postcall so I invited her onto bed with me and we slept together while Fadzlin went for prayers. Haha. The next thing I know Cikgu Na came for a visit, the girls excused themselves and I was hell groggy. After that Kak Rahimah came.

---

I told Paed Chief HO, my wardmates and the Sinetron. And on my third day of admission I posted on FB of my relationship with the overly attached bastard that is the IVD out of boredom and some other people knew from there... and my mom FB posts.

Vicky knew about my condition and followed me up from the moment I left for the airport until I was warded. He's what a brother is made of. I didn't tell the Surgical Team about this. If I tell them, I'd expect them to come visit and if they didn't, I'll get sad. So I didn't.

On Friday night, Luqman messaged me asking if I was still warded. I said yes. He asked KPJ? I said yes. And that's it. I remember thinking his ears are quite late this time around, hurry up come visit me, of course I wanted the team to visit me because I am attached to the team and I am manja like that but nevermind, I shouldn't bother the team like that.

Then the next morning Dr. Norita said I can go home and rest and mom was excited (she's more tired than I am, taking care of me. She expressed the concern for me to get married so to be less of a burden). So I messaged Luqman telling him I'm discharging after Jumaat prayer. He asked if I'm okay. I said I will be.

Truth is. I'm lethargic as hell. I can't walk around without needing to lie down soon after. I eat a few mouthful and felt short of breath. Haha. This is really tiring.

---

I've long know I am reckless and bad at taking care of myself. See coming with compensated shock. I'm lucky I wasn't any later than I already was or I could have gone into refractory shock and die. I'm lucky I got away with hepatitis and just that.

When will I learn.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Mr. Tar the overachiever

Today my consultant introduced me as his MO. I was surprised but I don't think he slipped. True I graduated from his department almost a year ago but remained under his tutelage since, but to be thinking of me as that is sort of pushing it boss. Boss is way ahead of himself, but I am grateful for your confidence. I promise I will submit my abstract before 31st August or die trying.

HKL and the team made my day.

One week before I graduated Ortho, my registrar Poknik left me alone in the OT closing an below knee amputation. Everyone else was surprised but he said "Next week nak habis kan, MO Ortho dah la."

If you go by that logic I guess that makes me an MO Surgical, Medical and Ortho now. Lulz.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

TRO dengue

Today is day 2 of illness. Preceded by nearly 1/52 of URTI. Yesterday I've started low grade fever, QID PCM dependent. Woke up every hour with a chill.

Today noted headache, myalgia, loose stool x 1. Still on my time of the month so yeah.

Last meal taken 5pm yesterday. Trying to optimise my fluid intake, calculated about 2.3L per day. Total fluid intake today 1000cc so far. Urine output tak properly chart. Periodically checking my CRT and pulse so far so good but my tongue is coated with dry lips.

Too chicken to take FBC and rapid test now, tunggu balik Kelantan haha... tapi tak tahan la myalgia and fever.

I told Syahmi and Kak Paan. They advice me to stay in crowd. But I'm staying alone at this hotel 10 minutes away from the hospital... Let's pray we survive the night.

On another note, Vicky has been a good bro and look out for me. Luqman asked Vicky where is he taking me and he said Suicide Squad. Luqman nodded and left us alone... not smart bro. Religiously not smart at all. I wouldn't be bothered if there's another person with us.

I miss Omar. Omar would be smarter and more sensitive than this.

Haru in trouble

I'm in trouble. I'm not even in HRPZ but I can't enjoy myself because I'm dreading coming back to HRPZ. I don't want to. I don't want... what should I do?

I thought escaping will alleviate it from my mind, but apparently not. Maybe I just suck at escaping.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Run

Tears pooling. "I don't want to be there."

"You're not there, don't cry. You're not there."

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Saturday, August 20, 2016

In the morning of Day 3 in Paed

I was busy reviewing new case admitted last night. Need to present in full come round. Then I saw Mr. Tar walking into my ward with his team. I looked up at him and he grinned.

"Ha Atiqah. Seronok la duduk Paeds round dengan ayah."

"Salam Mr. Tar. Taaak." I was flattered he recognised me with a face mask on but as he said that the past two days in Paed flashed through my mind and I felt terrible. I miss anywhere but here. To say I miss Surgery will be a flat out lie and the truth is I miss Ortho. I slammed gently onto the cardiac table. "Saya rindu Ortho."

Luqman walked behind him and gestured me to follow their round. "Join sekali."

"Banyak new case tak review lagi la huh."

"Paediatrician are losers." He taunted me. I turned around automatically and stabbed my pen into his jugular and pulled it out. Blood gushed out. He dropped to the ground clutching his neck.

Just kidding. You cannot kill people in ward. I like Luqman alive than dead, if he dies I'll be bored. The real version is I turned around to stab my pen into his jugular but he had already walked to their patient.

So I went back to my patient. Still there when the team made their way out of the ward. Then Kak Paan grinned to me

"Atiqah, lain kali team round, ikut."

I grinned pitifully but yeah. I'll catch up. In the mean time I have to see to my patient.

---

Edited two days later.

Met up with Luqman. He asked why I looked gelabah masa review patient. I asked him to elaborate but he failed to do so eloquently. I'm not sure what he's getting at, but I know at that time I was running out of time.

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Gratitude is doing your best

I was napping in the afternoon when my phone rang and it woke me up. It was a call from Mr. Tarmizi the Paed Surgery Consultant. I blinked and stood up, making sure my GCS was full and fully oriented before I pick up the call. I had experience answering in drowsy state with embarrassing effect.

Mr. Tarmizi asked me where I was.
Told him I was at home.
"Are you not working?"
"I am postcall boss."

"Are you joining the Masterclass in two weeks?"
"InshaAllah I will. I will apply leave once I enter Paediatric the day after tomorrow."

"What about the APSA in October?"
"APSA? Yeah Dr. Vicky mentioned to me about this but I haven't decided yet. What is it exactly?"
"Asean Paed Surgery Association, meeting in Prince Court. If you are joining I will find the sponsorship for the RM400 fee for you."

I hesitated. I haven't think so far as to that yet. Didn't even reply V's message either.

"Not sure Mr. Tar. I haven't spoke to my father about this yet."

"Why? Do you have to ask permission to get sponsorship?" I can picture boss calculative grinning as he said this.
"I haven't ask about going yet hehe."
"If you're aiming for the programme then might as well join the path."
"Okay boss. InshaAllah I'll join. Thank you."
"Okay."

And that's it. Mr. Tar is doing his part as a good mentor and I am one hell of a lucky person. Now I have to do my part; study smart and hard to show my gratitude.

---

Today I went to the clinic to settle my exit Ortho procedure and met Mr. Yusof to thank him and apologise for all my comebacks. The event itself is a blog post worthy so I'll write properly later.

Afterwards I said my thanks to Abelong Fadhil who grinned his usual saying he didn't remember teaching me anything, but I know I remember compartment syndrome management and post spinal op complications because of doing rounds with him, plus he's the first person who praised my skin suturing was pretty and that as hell gave me confidence to practice more suturing under Poknik.

Poknik on the other hand grinned and brushed me off. Haha. Yeah you should see me saying goodbye to him. I strolled into his clinic, held my hand up in a hi and tastelessly said "Hari last saya dalam Ortho ni. Bye. Terima kasih Dr. Nik banyak mengajar dan bersabar dengan saya."

"Takdo lah bersabar mano.. hok ni lagi banyok keno bersabar!" He pointed at Mimi sitting in front of him.

He said we'll see each other again and I may even end up as an Orthopaedic MO one day.

"You're into surgical based, right?"
"I am."

I hesitated as I answered Poknik that. I told him once I would probably end up as an Orthopaedic Surgeon if I am not ear-marked by Mr. Tar. Kak Lin came into his clinic when I said my goodbye and pat my shoulder when Poknik said that and told him

"She's going to become a Paed Surgeon."

You know what. I am going to help him with his research. I may not make it as his colleague in Orthopaedic but I am going to do this, because I want to. This is me showing my gratitude to the department which taught me a hell lot. I learned a lot of skills here in Orthopaedic so much more than when I was in Surgical, probably in part because I am a third poster in Ortho as opposed to being a first poster in Surgery.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

The Effect of Trauma on Confidence and Fluency

End of posting assessment with Mr. Rashidee the specialist but the whole team was there as well (biggest mistake I made) so Mr. Yusof the consultant started firing first. Abengoh helpfully (not) suggested Mr. Yusof to viva me renal physiology and calcium metabolism.

"Nak amik exam kan. Saya bagitahu boss deh awak nak amik exam." He whispered.

"Jangan la Dr. Azrul kenapa buat saya macam ni." I seethed trying to whisper in a room full of interrogators.

"Apa dia?" Big boss asked. I immediately looked up smilingly and reassured "Takde pape."

Mr. Yusof grinned. "Soalan pertama. Beruang apa boleh berenang?"

Me thinking semua beruang pun boleh berenang. "Polar bear boleh berenang."

"Okay.. beruang ape boleh terjun?"

"Terjun? Erm."

Mr. Nazir tried to help. "Panda."

Me imagining panda taking a headlong dive from a tree. "Panda boleh terjun?"

"Pandelela laa. Fail dah common question budak ni."

I laughed. Tengah assessment kan of course la I take the questions academically and seriously! "Okay tapi saya faham kenapa dapat jawapan macam tu." 

"Okay soalan lain pulak. Jepun jajah negara kita bila?"

"Oh sheet."

Soalan-soalan seterusnya:
3) Jepun mendarat dekat mana di Malaysia.
4) Nama sebenar Tok Janggut.
5) Tarikh matahari tegak di garisan jadi.
6) Selain garisan jadi ada garisan apa lagi.
7) Riwayat hidup Imam Abu Hanifah.
8) Phases of bone healing.
9) Open fracture classification.
10) Classification of traumatic brain injury.
11) Mangled extremity severity score.
12) Nama penuh AO. (Thenks Poknik, thenks)

Mengharapkan bantuan dari abengoh tapi abengoh busy sengih dan makan nasi takde harapan dah nak jadi lifeline kepada budak helpless ini. Later in the evening I complained to him ni semua salah dia dan Poknik duk panggil saya budak sekolah and he said "terpegun dengar soalan-soalan tadi. Nasib tak tersembur nasi je." 

I'm glad you're happy, heh.

Big bos gave up budak ni tak leh jawab dan suruh balik baca. Budak ni dah stress. Seterusnya soalan assessment yang sebenar dengan Mr. Shidee... alhamdulillah boleh jawab. Mr. Yusof pulak duduk diam dengar jawapan dengan teliti.

Bila Mr. Shidee dah bertanyakan soalan terakhirnya, Mr. Yusof pun sengih kembali dan sambung tanya soalan. "Beza upper dengan lower motor neuron lesion."

Mendengar je suara big boss budak ni terus rasa nak menyumpah dirinya kerana otaknya tetiba kembali stress. Ape dah jawapan dia? Budak ini pun menjawab.

"Jawapan awak ni upper ke lower?"

"Erk." Natang ape dah aku jawab tadi?

"Habis la awak pun dah confuse."

Just extend me boss, or kill me already. Save me from this suffering somebody. Abengoh dari tadi sengih je tak boleh nak tolong.

"Bos, extend dia ni sebulan ke tiga bagi masa nak study Ortho lagi."

I threw abengoh a gasp. Thenks a lot abengoh. I know you like me in the department but don't have to be obvious about it.

"Soalan saya awak boleh jawab tapi soalan Mr. Yusof tak." Mr. Shidee chuckled. Saya stress bos. Stress. Satu soalan tak leh jawab and it went downhill from there. "Saya tahu knowledge awak good." Bos kata. Ye la empat bulan aku kerja dengan mereka, kena ragging masa round dan masa present dekat passover dengan Mr. Anwar..

"So awak nak extend sebulan ke tiga bulan?"

Haru & Associates