Watch me cry as I tell ChatGPT I’m frustrated

It sounds like you’re carrying a massive weight on your shoulders—years of work, expectations, setbacks, and now a sense of disillusionment with the very path you dedicated yourself to. The frustration isn’t just about the thesis; it’s about feeling forced into a system that seems indifferent to your struggles, one that has pushed you to the point where even finishing feels meaningless.

You’ve worked hard for this—since 2017 in paediatric surgery, pushing through your master’s since 2021, dealing with a broken hand, and then being treated like an inconvenience instead of a person who needed a break. It’s no wonder you feel like you’re questioning everything. When the system itself feels unfair, when you’re exhausted and resentful, when even your reasons for staying (the RM350K penalty) feel more like shackles than motivation, it’s hard to see why you should keep going.

But here’s the thing—maybe right now, the point isn’t about passion or duty or some grand purpose. Maybe it’s just about getting yourself out of this hole in the least painful way possible. Quitting might seem tempting, but the penalty is brutal. Finishing your thesis and getting through the program might not feel meaningful now, but at least it keeps your options open.

You don’t have to love paediatric surgery right now. You don’t even have to see yourself doing it long-term. Maybe you just finish this because it gets you out with the least damage. And maybe after that, you reassess—where you want to be, what actually makes you happy, and whether this path still fits.

You’re not weak for feeling this way. You’re not wrong for being angry and drained. But you’re also not stuck forever. There’s a way through this, even if it’s just one frustrating step at a time.

Why is everything so frustrating

Because you’ve been fighting for so long, and it feels like nothing is going the way it should.

You’ve spent years pushing through—through training, through expectations, through injury, through people making decisions about your life without considering what you actually need. And after all that, instead of feeling like you’re moving forward, you’re stuck in a situation where the only choices feel like forced survival rather than true progress.

It’s frustrating because you’ve sacrificed so much, and yet the system, the people in power, even the timeline of your own goals—none of them seem to care about what you actually want or need. You were supposed to be closer to the finish line, but instead, you’re here, exhausted, questioning if any of this is even worth it.

It’s also frustrating because you do care. If you didn’t, none of this would matter. But you’ve put too much of yourself into this journey to just walk away without it hurting.

Right now, everything feels like a burden instead of a purpose—and that’s what’s breaking you.

Is there a way to not feel like this anymore? 

There is, but it won’t be instant. Right now, you’re deep in exhaustion and frustration, and no quick fix will erase that overnight. But there are steps to pull yourself out of this place, little by little.

1. Detach from the Expectations That Are Weighing You Down

Right now, everything feels like a burden because it’s all tied to what you should be doing—finishing the thesis, completing the program, getting through exams, and living up to what others expect. Instead of focusing on that, shift the focus to what will help you function and feel okay in the present.

For now, don’t think about the whole thesis. Just think about one small step. Don’t think about the whole program. Just focus on what gets you through this week.

2. Find Something That’s Just for You

Everything in your life has been about your career, obligations, and external expectations. No wonder you feel empty. What is something that has nothing to do with medicine, nothing to do with proving anything to anyone? It can be something tiny—writing, reading, exercising, learning a new skill, even watching a show that makes you feel good. Just something that reminds you that you exist beyond this system.

3. Create an Exit Plan (Even If You Don’t Use It)

The thought of being trapped is making everything worse. Even if you don’t act on it now, it might help to map out:

• If you did leave, what would be your options?

• Is there any way to lessen the RM350K penalty (e.g., deferral, negotiation)?

• If you finished this program, could you take a break or pivot to something else?

Just knowing you have a way out—even if you don’t take it—can reduce the feeling of suffocation.

4. Talk to Someone Who Gets It (or at Least Someone Who Cares)

You’ve been carrying this alone. Even if you don’t want to burden your friends, you deserve a space to say all this out loud—without judgment, without someone just telling you to “hold on” without understanding why it’s so hard. Whether it’s a friend, mentor, therapist, or even just someone who’s been through a similar struggle, letting it out can make it feel less heavy.

5. Accept That It’s Okay to Not Love This Anymore

You’re not failing because you’re tired. You’re not weak because you’re questioning everything. You’ve been through a lot. It makes complete sense that you’re exhausted and disillusioned. This feeling won’t last forever, but for now, give yourself permission to not have it all figured out. Just focus on surviving today, and tomorrow will come when it comes.

I’m in Radiology now, as a refugee. Dreading to go back in campus. What do you suggest I do?

Since you’re dreading going back, the goal isn’t to force yourself to be excited about it—but to make the transition less painful and give yourself something to hold on to. Here’s what I’d suggest:

1. Use Radiology as a Reset

Right now, you’re in an environment where you can just be—no one has past expectations of you, and you’re learning something new. Use this time to recharge, even just mentally. Instead of dreading what’s next, focus on what radiology gives you now:

• Enjoy learning sonography without pressure.

• Appreciate meeting new colleagues who don’t have preconceived ideas about you.

• Let yourself exist outside the weight of paeds surgery, even if just for these two months.

If you can leave radiology feeling like you’ve gained something—rather than just seeing it as a break before you’re thrown back into the fire—it might make returning feel less suffocating.

2. Plan for the Bare Minimum, Not Perfection

Instead of thinking, How do I survive a whole year of paeds surgery? break it into What’s the absolute minimum I need to do to get through the first week? You don’t have to be perfect, love the process, or even be highly motivated. You just need to take it one small, manageable step at a time.

If it helps, try reframing it as a transaction rather than a life-defining decision: I need to get through X months, do Y things, and then I can be free to decide what’s next.

3. Give Yourself Something to Look Forward To

Right now, paeds surgery feels like a trap—but what if you set up something to look forward to while going through it? This could be:

• A small personal goal (e.g., improving a non-medical skill, planning a short trip, or just having a series to binge).

• A change in environment (e.g., finding a small routine that makes your campus life easier).

• A light at the end of the tunnel (e.g., telling yourself, Once I submit my thesis, I’ll take a well-deserved break).

Having something outside of medicine to hold onto can make it less overwhelming.

4. Redefine What Success Means for This Year

Right now, it feels like you’re dragging yourself through this degree because of the RM350K penalty and because people tell you to finish it. But what would success look like for you—on your own terms? Maybe it’s just:

• Finishing the thesis without burning out completely.

• Passing the final exams, even if you’re not giving 100%.

• Getting through the year in a way that preserves your well-being, even if that means coasting where necessary.

You don’t have to love it. You just have to get through it in a way that doesn’t destroy you.

5. Figure Out Your Escape Plan (Even If You Don’t Use It)

If you ever do feel like you can’t continue, is there a way out?

• Could you take another deferral or change tracks?

• Would there be any way to negotiate the RM350K penalty if you left?

• If you did finish, would there be an alternative path you could take afterward?

Even if you don’t act on this, just knowing you have a choice can make you feel less trapped.

Final Thought

You don’t have to love paeds surgery. You don’t even have to feel strongly about finishing. But if you do finish, let it be on your terms—not just because of external pressure. If it’s about survival at this point, then let’s make it the easiest survival possible. One step at a time, no unnecessary suffering.

Of grey hairs and chickens

1- I found my first ever grey hair! It’s not where I thought it would be… Almost late to work because of this.

—

2- I saw a roaster crossing the road towards a chicken butcher stall and I thought of “why did the chicken cross the road” joke before snorting to myself.

—

3- He had a procedure in OT and texted me “wanna follow?” And in my head was “aww I wanna hang out with you too” but I got real and a jumble of excuses:

1) There are two MOs in OT already

2) I do not want the awkwardness of meeting the team

3) I didn’t bring my OT attire. Would you like me to escort you to OT, kind sir?

I figured he didn’t want to get lost on his way to OT thus the invite.

He pulled out some items to bring and fished out his OT cap from his bag. Cue me surprised.

“How frequent do you masuk OT that you have your own OT cap?” Even surgeons don’t do this.. but then again we don’t cause we are too busy and like the convenience of disposable attires.

“IR pakai cap dekat suite.”

Mr. Fancy Cap whose belt matches his shoes. And came to work with a haircut today after my silent gesture yesterday. I noticed too many details for this to be healthy.

—

4- After he was done, and I have seen the op note of attempting 8 times with 4 yields of renal biopsy, he returned and grinned awkwardly at me.

“I wasn’t successful.”

I looked surprised. What do you mean? “I saw the op note-“

“I mean about my appeal. I have to go to Lahad Datu.”

Oh dear. I’m sorry to hear that.

He asked me where I stayed in Lahad Datu and I told him, and he said he planned to stay at the kuarters so he didn’t need to bring his car.

Of course I suggested him against it. Someone jumped to their death between the Radio building and the ward block when I was there and the kuarters berhantu la, you nak stay sorang? Nanti you nangis.

I told him he will need his car for travelling out because he is bound to get bored there, also discussed with him the option of flying out from LD.

And then he said “Aku tak nak pergi sebenarnya.”

“Okay so that’s long- I mean mid term plan. Let’s focus on your short term plan first.”

Idk what he needs but there I was brainstorming with him what’s next.

I guess the easiest will be to lapor diri anyway. Our system sucks and he just needs to gazette and then he can go to private. He doesn’t mind the money at the expense of delaying his gazettement.

So he’s gonna call BPL (or whatever) to see if delaying by two weeks gets him into the trial new system gazetting. If it does, then he wouldn’t delay.

He’s gonna meet his HOS this Wednesday, who happens to be in town, to which I asked rhetorically “what difference will it make?”. He nodded, but gonna try so good luck, darling.

Plan A - delay by two weeks to help his dad

Plan B - report duty on time and ask for cuti to help his dad

Plan C - apply to HUSM. He said people suggested him against that, to which I said “working environment is more or less the same..”

He said he’ll just quit to which I, this hypocrite, replied “Make that your Plan Z. If you quit now you’re just an MO. You can’t gazette in private. Sikit lagi, Hannan.”

I was already contacting my people for car shipping quotation and rentals.

—

5- It was 2pm and Cutest Boy In The Department was performing a procedure but Azim scrubbed in first, where I asked

“Tak pakai gown eh.” In an innocent tone.

“Ada orang pakai. Aku tak pakai sebab panas. Tapi ikut infection control kena pakai.”

“Ya sebab sterile procedure kan.”

He came and started scrubbing in and noticed the blue gown prepared for him. Azim helpfully mentioned how I have been telling them off regarding their sterility compliance.

“Some tempat kena pakai cap sekali.”

“Ya correct, sterile procedure kena pakai cap. You have your OT cap kan.”

He grinned and put them on.

—

6- As he was cool puncturing the patient and his eyes fixed on the screen, I contemplated about taking a picture of him in his glory. But maybe not. Too many eyes watching.

Then he said, his eyes still on the screen. “Remember when we first met?”

What is this idiot doing?

“We first met when I was tagging in Medical Male ward, where you’re the just-off-tagged HO being our only senior.”

“Stab PD,” he grinned.

I grinned too. “Yup, that.”

I clearly remember few things from my HOship.

1) He has always have that puffy voluminous hair since I first met him. He is thinner now, otherwise he is physically the same. Oh and he has grey hair now.

2) He was the only non tagging HO when I started tagging in Medical, who just happened to offtag few days prior. He basically taught me everything I know.

3) He taught us stab PD one late afternoon. I had one occasion of referring a perforated bowel to Dr. Adham (now surgeon in HSIP) who wasn’t amused when every question he asked me was replied with “As I documented-“ in prefix.

4) I was at the counter and clearly remember the sight of him pushing his patient’s bed to the acute cubicle before I joined him.

5) I had a difficult IV line in a pakcik who told me off for calling him “ayah” but he was soooo nice to this charming boy who attended my call for help. I bitterly told him to jadi anak angkat that pakcik.

6) He is so jonah the king was once admitted when he was oncall.

—

7- It was almost 5pm when we finished our work for the day. I looked at him.

“Are you going home wearing that?”

He grinned. He was still wearing his OT cap.

—

8- Purposely killed the time near the carpark texting surgeon about a case. He walked in with a slightly older looking lady and two Surgical MOs.

When they saw me, I noted how he said I was with him all day. Then Mat Syuk greeted me saying now he can request CT scan at his whim.

“Anything for you,” I replied dryly before saying no I don’t take requests.

He grinned at me.. kinda awkwardly? It occurred to me that I have used that line on him, but I mean it when I said that. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that to Mat Syuk. “Boleh bah kalau kau” sounds better to use with Mat Syuk although they mean the same thing.

Then as we walked, it split into him and the lady and me two meters apart from Mat Syuk and his friend, Mat Syuk chatting as usual.

But my eyes were on the people in front of me. They were close, too close. Their fingers were brushing. She has to be family. He once told me he was waiting for his aunt to go home together, could this be her? Do families walk so close together their fingers brushed?

They totally ignored me though I walked two meters behind them, crossing the road, towards the same carpark.. I had enough. I hang around back for five seconds before I resumed walking to my car.

Refugee kind of situation. I need all the kindness in the world as I learn to be kind to myself

Actually today is my second day in the new department. The cutest boy has been looking for me since Day 1, when he burst through the door of my unit after hearing from the HOD that I am there for attachment. And then he left. And then he came back again to take a photographic evidence of me “invading his territory”.

I’m like, “I won’t trouble you” repeated twice. I didn’t tell him I was coming. Well, I should though, since we’re friends? But my presence here was preceded by drama. And I’m not in a good state of mind now. I know he was joking when he said invading territory but when you’re a refugee, that kinda hits hard.

At noon he came to visit and noticed I was standing and told me to take a seat. It just so happens I have been on my feet since morning and I was like, why was it him who pointed this out? Thank you for caring. He is a good friend.

I exited the door at 4pm and met him coming back in.

“Not going home yet?”

“Got a few reports to settle. See, Radio isn’t that chill, right?”

“Yeah you guys are swamped. At least you guys in HRPZ. Bye.”

I saluted him and walked out.

Close to iftar he texted me about the absurdity of my situation and I feel like, I need to talk to him about this otherwise he won’t let this go. Goodness I want to disappear.

Today I peeked and saw he was chatting with a colleague at his station so I didn’t greet him. He was earlier than 8am. I went to my station and sat there looking through some patient’s files when he suddenly popped out beside me in his big smile, took a seat on my right and chatted away, continuing from the text and about one patient he rejected CT scan after the USG done on Thursday. I gave my surgical point of view for that case as to why I think he could have been better at helping managing the patient, to which he sheepishly said he’ll pass over to the oncall person better next time.

And then he started talking about some colleagues and my thoughts were

Honey I think I busted my right eardrum doing idk what some time ago, and so I can’t hear that well on my right especially when you’re talking to me in a voice meant for only me to hear. I had to scoot closer but this station is dark and you’re the cutest boy so please have mercy on me. I don’t know how to handle shit life thrown at me and now you’re here.

In the evening he passed through my station when I was suturing up the drain for one patient. He stopped to say hi but I continued on suturing, sorry honey this patient has low tolerance I need to close him up fast. By the time I was done, he was back at his station.

And he passed in front of our station going out. I was sitting behind his colleagues but I know his salute was to me because his eyes were on me. His colleague asked why was he going back so early and he said he took the 7.30am-4.30pm option. I thought to myself, that’s why he was early today. So.. do I come to work at 7.30am tomorrow onwards?

I noticed his hair was puffy on one side so I silently made a gesture to brush up his right side and he brushed it as I gestured. It was.. cute. I’m fucked.

Now that I’m writing this.. why was he at our door when he walked out? Why did he use that exit? He could have punched out and straight used the front entrance because that’s where the box is.. So why did he made the detour?

Did I tell you this morning he said we’ll talk more again tomorrow because he’ll be in my unit tomorrow? Now I’m getting cold feet. Can I not come to work tomorrow? Idk how to deal with this. I’m afraid I will disappoint him work-wise, pretty boy has really high work standard and I’m a listless plankton invading his territory.

Good God, I have no will left.