Married to my work

You don't choose which pit to fall into, you just did. Blame the resilient devils, your weak self, the enticing pit, whatever. You still have to pull yourself back up no matter how hard it is because you have somewhere you have to go, something to achieve. The pit is not the end of your journey.

Remember who you are. Remember what you want. Remember where you want to go. It never ends here.

Homie I don't know, he's hot and cold
Won't stop, won't mess my groove up
'Cause I already know how this thing end

---

Every winter, I will remember Heartless. You would, too, if you heard Dia Frampton singing so hauntingly and this part got stuck in your brain ever since.

How could you be so cold as the winter wind when it breeze yo

Just because it's all in my head doesn't make it any less than real

Author: haru
Genre: Angst
Rating: T
Summary: That is me now; prejudicial. Perhaps always has been. How did I end up so bitter like an old fool who lived a hundred years of sorrow?

------------------------

Every time I see you, what flashes in my mind is how I will react if you repeat what you did again. I know I will go for the jugular. I know I will stamp on your renal angle with the intention to bust your kidney open. I know I will leave you there. I know I will cry so hard. I know I will be sorry I hurt you but you will deserve it for what you do.

I know I have a problem. I know I am living in worst-case-scenario when it comes to you. I know I am traumatized, too scared perhaps, and it's not like you were actively trying to prove your worthiness again. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I love you but I can't trust you anymore.

I can't help it that once you break that trust, things will never be the same. We will be civil at best, but my guard will always be up. I suppose you won't feel a thing unless you notice the change in my demeanour and wonder why. But the burden will always be on me because it hurts to live in constant vigilance against people you care about.

That is me now; prejudicial. Perhaps always has been. How did I end up so bitter like an old fool who lived a hundred years of sorrow?

God, please don't curse me with this ability to remember.

D for Dramatic

Dr. Nadia was supposed to give our clinical session today but she was absent, so I joined Class D's clinical session. The following scenes took place there and made me realized how my class was Class B for Brilliance and theirs was Class D for Dramatic, hahaha.

---

Two and half years old Sama was crying and grunting. Crying and grunting. Someone took out a squeaky Pikachu toy and squeaked the toy out.

Sama stopped crying.

"That is a pig or what?" Dr. Hala asked, clearly amused at the child's reaction.

"It's Pikachu!" Class answered. Thankfully it wasn't in the tone of that 'Who's That Pokemon' segment or I would have doubled over in laughter.

---

The students lined up to auscultate ten-year-old Latifah's hemic murmur. I was asking Diyana why the doctor used the term edema of abdomen instead of ascites when I noticed said doctor's eyes were on me.

Probably my voice was too loud. I smiled at her sheepishly and said "Ops sorry doctor."

She looked at me intently. "Enti syatroh?" (You are clever?)

"Erk." I grinned awkwardly at her sudden out-of-place question. Now what was the correct answer for such question? "Ameen?"

She turned to Epul who was standing next to her and helped her to find the correct word. "Not that.." She said. "What I wanted to say was.. She is very, very, very..."

Doctor please don't say talkative. The guys would never let me live it down if you say talkative.

"...caring, kind, cooperative..."

Where on earth did that came from?

"...blablabla... And she asked question in the class." Dr. Hala turned to me. "Are you in the top 10 of the class?"

"No!" Now this one I know the answer to by heart.

"Why not?" She looked taken aback at my abrupt happy denial.

"Because I am too lazy to study," I shot back laughingly.

"So who is the top in the class?"

We pointed directly to Aisyah Mardhiyah, Amirul Yunus and others. Haha.

So I did asked a question in class. And probably have all the making of a top ten student as well (OMG so narcissistic. Somebody slap me please) except for my pathological laziness. Dr. Hala is either highly intuitive and superbly deductive or she needs a total enlightenment in the art of profiling hehe.

Thank you doctor. You restored my faith in my own self :')

---

Walked pass Epul on the way up the stairs to our lecture hall. He smirked and dished out his usual sarcastic flattery parroting what Dr. Hala commented.

I laughed, thanked him and amen-ed to his 'prayer'. I actually had a piece of banana crumble I wanted to give to him but seemed like he had too much fun today.

I ate half the banana crumble during lecture. No wonder I was more hyper than a monkey.

Cheap and power-wielding big sister

Last week Melle just got her Malaysian identification card which was long overdue since she turned twelve on August 10th. Apparently our parents were too busy for her, muahaha. So the week before that Big Bro and I had been calling her PATI (illegal immigrant) because she had no IC.

Melle was so not happy.

She then received her IC and posted the picture of it as proof on my Facebook wall. Instead of calling her now a legal citizen, I commented that we know need to call her ex-PATI.

Melle was so not happy.

"Oo kalu gitu, pa, ma, kakngah dengan semua orang pun ex-PATI jugak ke?" she retorted.

I seriously didn't know how to reply her wit so I pulled out the big sister card and replied "Oh pandai menjawab ye." That got her to mutter a "huhu" with a very dissatisfied face.

HAHAHA.

There's nothing wrong with being beaten by the cold weather. It shows that you are only ever crippled by God.

Last night they went to the hospital and I didn't, giving my intolerance to very cold weather as reason. Today at class, Umair hit me on the shoulder.

\(>__<)/ I am not sissy and complaining about being hit but I am complaining about the reason I was hit.

---

The last time we went to the hospital was last Wednesday and I took it before going to the hospital that night. It was colder than I expected (I was already wearing three-layered clothing huhu) and I ended up coughing a few times in the ER. It was embarrassing because I was in front of the guys and doctors and I even had to sit down. Grr.

Third fit and finally I ran to the bathroom to take it another time. So really, last night was colder than Wednesday's. Go figure.

---

It's hard to comply when you question the diagnosis. Even when you finally come in terms with the diagnosis, you question why is this your GP's first line of treatment. Either I am too stubborn or too smart. So I was at the crossroad of either take it and resume normal activity or don't take it and stay put and hibernate like a good brown bear.

Last night was stressful. I considered my stubbornness as over the top and breaching into stupidity, but dad said I wasn't being stubborn, "just that you want to attempt to neutral it naturally." It was a soothing salve, but the problem was still there.

This season's theme song will be Maroon 5 - Harder To Breathe.

This is why Farah Nur is menyampah with me

Farah Nur was locked in the house and couldn't go back to her own so she was still there when I got back just now.

"Nah ada kek coklat. E*mad bagi. Kenal kan?"

Apparently this Ain Shams friend of mine was not familiar with the final year seniors of Cairo University.

"Kenapa dia bagi kau?" Farah Nur cocked an eyebrow.

"Aku kan junior yang disayangi ramai."

"Eeeeeee menyampah!"

"Haha."

"Untungla jadi junior kesayangan ramai."

"Mesti la. (insert another senior's name) yang tak pergi program PERU*ATAN pun datang sebab aku public speaking."

Kak Milah ran out of the room, nearly choking on the piece of cake she was eating. Farah Nur dropped onto the floor screeching a prolonged "Menyampahnya!" at my remark.

HARU FTW hahaha.

---

Okay that was fun. Need to get a grip on myself.

Red Rawrs

I figured I have high enough self-confidence to monologue in public and to express my opinion and not give a damn what others think of it. And thus this post is dedicated to myself.

Farah Nur is in the house and she brings with her breakfast that she already ate and some books. I am rummaging through one of them; The People Code by Dr. Taylor Hartman as we speak.

This is a personality book. And according to him, I am a Red with perhaps White as my secondary character. Dr. Hartman said that I am

aggressive and determined one minute (Red), then quietly passive the next (White). Your guiding motive is power and peace. You are likely to be misunderstood because your behaviour is inconsistent, and you don't easily allow others to figure you out.

Hmm. That is serious sheet. Reading online fictions has dulled my ability to read a real book so I am reduced to merely scanning through this book. Found two quotes that are amusingly spot-on.

Lead, follow, or get out of the way. 

Yes, this suits well with the election month of PERUBATAN and accordingly I am taking the third option of "get out of the way". Not interested in leading and definitely not into following, so I am being smart.

Winning is not everything, it is the only thing. 

Yes I like to win or to a lesser extend, I don't like to lose. It is okay not to win as long as I am not losing. Sometimes I choose not to bother because of this simple principle.

Dr. Hartman did a great job at describing me and I congratulate him for that. Among Reds' strengths that he enumerated and I agree upon are "highly efficient during emergencies or disasters" in As A Friend listing and "highly protective of companion" and "loyal to the relationship" in As A Committed Companion listing.

Major flops described for Reds point to how we deal with emotions and I have to agree with that. I am insensitive and tactless and consequently hurt people without ever realizing; much less intending to do so. In pure form, I am selfish, arrogant and intimidating.

Dr. Hartman also helpfully listed Five Things Reds Should Do Before They're Thirty which are:

1- teach their mother how to be a better parent

Which I don't have to because my mom is already the best mom and I respect her, thank you very much.

2- win every argument
3- break a Blue's heart

I break people's heart all the time unintentionally already.

4- run in a marathon or "run" the entire event
5- run a country. 

And not to forget the Two Things Reds Need to Do Before They Die:

1- become vulnerable and share their heart

I do this but I notice I do this for the sake of saying it out and that I don't really care what the other thinks of me or what s/he might do with that piece of information. As stated in the beginning of this post, I have high self-confidence thus am immune against blackmails.

2- leave their cellphone and computer at home and take a real vacation. 

Done since I am lazier nowadays. I have already done the Two Things he listed, is this a sign that I can go die now? Haha.

Red's complimentary opposites are elicited from the Whites... which might explain why I have affinity to people with White personality. Whites are peacekeepers. My dad is a White. Their Top Five Attraction Factors are:
1- listening
2- acceptance
3- kindness
4- patience
5- perspective

while their Top Three Flops are:
1- indecisive
2- conflict avoidance
3- inexpressive

A healthy Red-White relationship is that a Red needs a White in these aspects:

and the White needs the Red in these aspects:

Seriously, I need to get a handheld device with a much better camera.

Anyway, the point of reading such genre is to know your strengths so to optimize them and to acknowledge you weaknesses so to improve on them.

We all have that gene that is proven to be troublesome

The other day Hyde got admitted and operated upon. Once discharged, he made a public statement apologizing for his stubbornness that lead to this whole fiasco. I forgave him and told him that "pathological stubbornness is autosomal recessive."

Autosomal recessive means a trait that is genetically inherited with both parents as carrier. With each pregnancy, the kid has 25% chance of clinically manifesting with that trait. If one parent is clinically affected and the other is a carrier, chance for that kid to be affected will spike up to 50%.

Hyde was not the only stubborn person who was reckless on his own health. We also have dad and me, thus my comment.

Upon my statement, dad said he probably needed to reopen his genetic book. I told him that I clinically diagnose this condition without any gene assessment needed (because obviously I am making this up, anyone thinking I am serious need to get a thorough reality check-up); solely from the patient's positive family history. "Because papa you are also quite a very stubborn person. Can only blame you la. Muahaha."

"Not stubborn, but firm..." he said. And so I reminded him of his refusal to undergo a medical investigation when he was admitted one time ago.

"Oh...ok..." he remembered. "Yes I (was) reluctant for OGDS cos I well... you know lah..."

Hahaha! See what I mean?

To his credit, he reasoned that the investigation was not indicated for his condition at that time but of course his doctor, my mom and me think otherwise. It was then a case of self-management commonly encountered among the health personnel.

I am all too familiar with this. So really, this pathological stubbornness is genetic.

It's either somnolence or insomnia nowadays, why can't I be normal?

The hospital interferes with my sleep. I can't sleep when I get back from the hospital and end up defeated by the 8.30am class. Even when I can sleep, I end up dreaming about the hospital.

Like today's. Umairah was soothing a dejected me who was forlorn from not being as smart as Iskandar. Apparently in my dream he is very good with the basic physiology and pathology of an organ and a disease.

This scene probably came up because last night he asked me the pathway of hyperglycemia ending in ketosis.

Hari Fail BP Sedunia

Took the patient's blood pressure. Iskandar was assisting. I failed to hear the pulse. Tried again. Epic fail. Announced my failure and handed over to Is-kun.

"It is okay if you didn't get it. Just tell me you didn't get it." Dr. Rockstar the resident (I think) assured me.

"160 over 110." Is-kun announced.

Failing in front of our esteemed mentor is considered for us a major devastating humiliation. I went over to where Umair and Syaimaa were. "Aku fail BP depan Is. Aku tak boleh kahwin lagi."

Syaimaa laughed. "Macam mana kau boleh relatekan kahwin dengan BP? Kalau gagal bezakan baking soda dengan baking powder boleh kira lagi."

Taking vital signs is the most basic of the basic a doctor-to-be must master. If I fail that, what right do I have to even think of anything else?

---

Dr. Husam was telling me why Egypt is the top in the pyramid of Hepatitis C incidence. Umair came out from behind the patient's curtain and asked him.

"Dr. Husam, why is the (brachial) pulse inaudible? Is it because we are stupid?"

Dr. Husam grinned and said maybe it was problem with the patient's peripheral pulse, problem with the stethoscope placement or ultimately "problem with the doctor himself."

We laughed and I made my way behind the patient's curtain. Dr. Hesham was taking the patient's BP after us students failed to. We prepped the ECG leads while waiting for him.

Dr. Hesham stood up and announced he failed, too. "Let's proceed with the ECG."

---

Tonight each of us had difficulty in measuring the BP at least once. (Syaimaa was traumatized after nearly diagnosing the patient with severe hypotension when he was actually normotensive while Iskandar shook his head at his stethoscope, stating "benda ni mengecewakan aku.")

But the others never gave up. I admire my friends determination, resilience and proactiveness. I will work harder and not lose to them! :D

P/s: It is 3.30am and I cannot sleep.. I will need IV caffeine in the morning.

The next day. "Don't be afraid," Is said to me in his patient voice. "It is okay to fail now." 

I feel like a little girl who just failed a math test and being consoled by the fatherly headmaster TT-TT

Harapan

Ramadan lepas, kami nak ke rumah pak long di Bangi. Along drive, saya di sebelah. Lagu Harapan oleh Hyper Act sedang dimainkan oleh radio Era.

"Along suka style lagu macam ni." Along merujuk kepada teknik vokal vokalis tersebut. "Macam Train. Ape nama vokalis Train?"

"Pat. Pat Monahan." Saya menjawab.

"Ha~tiku~" Along menyanyi mengikut lagu tersebut. Saya tersengih dan berazam untuk muat turun lagu ni sebaik sahaja pulang ke rumah demi nilai sentimentalnya.

---

Memandangkan keadaan sekarang, mungkin bukan langkah yang bijak untuk biarkan lagu ni dimainkan apabila iPod on shuffle..

Haru. Kata berjiwa lelaki. Sila lebihkan menggunakan otak.

Perkenalkan Kucing Bangunan 42

Dalam bangunan apartmen kami ni ada dua ekor kucing. Tak tahu la siapa punya, tapi selalu je nampak diorang ni pinjam tandas rumah penjaga bangunan. Ummu Kareem punya kot.

Seekor tu kucing jantan warna oren belang putih, bulu dia serabut dan kotor, muka dia comot. Dia selalu lari je kalau saya datang dekat. Dia diam tak banyak bising pun. Nampak macam budak baik, tapi nakal dia ni pengobek sampah rumah kami, haish. Badan dia juga penuh luka; war scar bukti jaguh berlawan dengan kucing-kucing lain.

Muka baik, comot, nakal. Mengingatkan saya pada seorang kenalan di Mesir ni maka kali pertama bersua dengan kucing ni, terus saya namakan dia S*****. Nama penuh dia S***** The Scavenging Cat (sebab dia tak senonoh suka kobek sampah).

Ini S***** yang cuba melarikan diri.

Setiap pagi bila nak keluar rumah, biasanya akan bertembung dia maka saya akan tersenyum girang dan menyapa "Hai S*****" dan dia samada merenung tanpa sebarang perasaan atau melarikan diri. Kalau dia lari, saya kejar, maka maafkan lah saya kalau terlewat seminit dua sampai kelas haha. Waktu balik juga begitu.

Seekor lagi adalah kucing betina warna kelabu lembut dengan tompok hitam sepanjang belakang dia. Bulu dia bersih dan kemas tersisir rapi, tak macam si S***** tu. Mata dia sangaaat besar dan sebab tu saya berpendapat dia ni sentiasa kelihatan terperanjat. Saya namakan dia Mona sebab rupa dia macam seekor Mona.

Ini Mona gemuk yang suka lawan tenung.

Selalu juga bertembung Mona di tangga dan saya tersenyum girang dan menyapa "Hai Mona" pada dia, tapi saya tak acah dia sekerap saya acah S*****. Pertamanya sebab Mona selalu lari laju sangat dan kedua sebab Mona tengah bunting sekarang. Kasihan ibu bunting dikejar kanak-kanak riang. Kalau terberanak saat itu juga, mampus la saya yang tiada pengalaman menyambut kelahiran anak kucing.

Tingkap

Tasnim was receiving the call from the restaurant delivery guy.

"Berapa junaih ya?" Very business-like and serious tone. Complete mask face. She even used junaih, instead of the more colloquial genih.

"Baiklah. Nanti saya keluar ikut tingkap."

HAHAHAHA.

P/s: In Egypt, it is common to send your basket down for stuffs instead of going down by yourself.