Just because it's all in my head doesn't make it any less than real

Author: haru
Genre: Angst
Rating: T
Summary: That is me now; prejudicial. Perhaps always has been. How did I end up so bitter like an old fool who lived a hundred years of sorrow?

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Every time I see you, what flashes in my mind is how I will react if you repeat what you did again. I know I will go for the jugular. I know I will stamp on your renal angle with the intention to bust your kidney open. I know I will leave you there. I know I will cry so hard. I know I will be sorry I hurt you but you will deserve it for what you do.

I know I have a problem. I know I am living in worst-case-scenario when it comes to you. I know I am traumatized, too scared perhaps, and it's not like you were actively trying to prove your worthiness again. I am sorry. I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I love you but I can't trust you anymore.

I can't help it that once you break that trust, things will never be the same. We will be civil at best, but my guard will always be up. I suppose you won't feel a thing unless you notice the change in my demeanour and wonder why. But the burden will always be on me because it hurts to live in constant vigilance against people you care about.

That is me now; prejudicial. Perhaps always has been. How did I end up so bitter like an old fool who lived a hundred years of sorrow?

God, please don't curse me with this ability to remember.