pick up

I'm supposed to sleep now cause Mizah is picking me up at 7 cm but sleep is for the weak.

Anyway this morning. Luqman was saying he wanted to go to Telupid and Tongod and Tawau etc this weekend for a trip. I told him parks all closed la PKPD. He didn't buy it and although I know already Tawau Hills Park is closed, I pulled out my phone and called Arif.

It was 10.30. He's likely working. My phone was connected to my car Bluetooth and he answered the call. Sounded muffled. Ah he's donned in. 

Arif, tengah round kah?

Ya tengah round. 

Okay later. Bye. 

I hung up but I was grinning like heck. I really like it when people pick up when they couldn't talk. It makes me feel I'm worthy, at least of an explanation.

potamologist day at sungai libudon

I got up at 9.15 from a phone call. I was actually already awake but I didn't want to leave my bed. Who would on their off day, some more it had been raining continuously since 6am yesterday. 

It was Luqman. He asked for a favour. Sure what's up. 

"Pick me up at Inanam. I sent my car for service."

"Okay send me your location." I was gonna just wash my face throw some fresh clothes and head out. 

"Wait. Are you even up?"

"I got up from your call." I could see his face thinking useless kids he has to deal with.

"You pick up fast." Well I thought it was mom calling. He is assigned my family ringtone. "Go take a shower first."

So I took my shower, put on a pair of jeans, a long sleeved ratty tee, threw my parka on and my worn out Crocs. I was just picking him up and send him back, right? I can get back to bed after that.

I did wonder why he didn't just call a Grab. I would. I once walked an hour in the rain from the mall to home because my parents were working, I didn't want to call him, and I was distrusting of cabs.

Of course, the answer was he planned for us to go merayap. He told Mizah to park at his place and we took my car. I asked him where to. 

"Penampang."

Penampang is a huge ass area. "Penampang towards Tambunan?"

"Yeah."

I know that area and drove there without GPS. Luqman knew the area better and asked to stop at the next Shell to stock up on his cig. Throughout the day he smoked about half a pack in my car and honestly I had a headache from the stench (plus maybe because I was fasting) and my car reeked. 

I hated the fact that my car reeked of cig and the fact that my headache might be at least 70% contributed by him smoking. I decided then I cannot marry a smoker. 

Why didn't I complain? Because he's my brother. I tolerate shits from him just because of that fact. Anyone assigned as my family will get that kind of treatment from me. 

I know, I'm a sentimental idiot. 

"Lovely weather. So gloomy, depressing."

Well that kind of talk is typical of a recently stoned Luqman. 

So we went up until my favourite area along Sungai Kibunut. I asked if we're going there. He told me instead to go straight, and take the left at the junction of Jalan Tudan Poring.

And then he took a nap. 

Mizah wondered if we're heading until Tambunan. I said we're just midway. It's a day at Banjaran Crocker anyway. 

The journey was beautiful. The ethereal view of heading into lush forest with cloud and mist limiting your vision. Add on a scary tune and it'd be straight out of a horror flick. The hilly slippery road was awesome. I had fun driving. 

Our first stop was downward left at an ongoing tarring road. We stopped and admired the valley view. Luqman asked if I think my car can make it down and explore the road. 

I said no I'm not risking it. The road wasn't completely tarred and it was still drizzling. The car can go down but God knows if my car can grip back up. I stomped my feet into the asphalt road and it gave way into mud, proving my point. 

We then journeyed on and took another turn right. We were met with a Myvi parked and then a waterfall of a stream with rapid current covering a sorry excuse for a bridge. At the other end was a slope of a road upwards. 

I didn't think we would make it, it looked deep and my car will be flooded but even if we do make it, if it rained more we're likely to be stuck at the other end. Plus as Mizah said, even the Myvi was parked. So we turned around and journeyed on. 

And met the lower end of the previous waterfall. 

We turned around, of course. Luqman suggested we try the first stop. Oh why not.

It was a fun ride downwards about 3km, easy despite the asphalt not yet setting in, until the end we were met with a bridge under contruction. 

We had to turn around, of course. But I couldn't drive up. The tires didn't grip and the off rail light was blinking. Haha okay. Let's try again. I tried once to no avail, so we decided to park and go for a walk at the lower part to see what's there. 

A stretch of rapid current next to an abandoned campsite. It was so cold and the toilet there was axed. I needed to pee so I did what I had to..

We regrouped at the car. The construction workers were getting on their Hilux and observed us. I stared at the slope and back at Luqman. He grinned at me and  said we're just gonna have to walk up. I asked him what about the car to which he replied with a grin. Idiot. So I tried again. 

Nope, not gripping. Luqman then came up to my window. 

"They said you have to reverse."

"Oh okay." That's a first for me. Reversing up a slope.

"You have a lot of spectators. Don't disappoint us." And then he left to stand with the others.

I almost thought he would take over the wheels from me, like what Vicky tried to do last time. But this is Luqman, he lets me make mistakes, he rarely takes over and he'll dish out wisdom afterwards. This is why Luqman is family, he has a lot of faith in me. 

Or maybe he's just stoned. 

So I reversed the car. Prayed and hit my accelerator. What followed afterwards was one of the most fun driving experience I ever had. I was reversing up the slope so fast and so smoothly for about almost a kilometer before the slope plateaued and I could right the car. Luqman and Mizah were hitching behind the workers Hilux and they were left in my dust as I sped up the rest of the road.

Safe. The Hilux dropped the two of them and I waved them my thank. Mizah then told me one of the workers saw me at the driver's seat and he said

"Perempuan kah? Mataii."

I laughed. I'm proud of my car and me. 

Later on our way back Luqman suggested I wash my tires at a nearby crossable stream. He said it was shallow and level suited for a Fiesta. We went there and I was aghast.

"This? You think my car can cross this??" Even from a far I can see it's deep and my car will be flooded if I cross this.

"Sure can. Trust me."

"I trust you but not this time. Look at that!" 

"Cannn. My car can. It's shallow and it's even."

He drove a Land Cruiser. I gave him a stink eye and walked up to the water. It was fast and I had to roll up my jeans at the water edge and I can see it was deeper in the middle. I turned around back to my car and yelled my distrust. He came out grinning and to prove his point that it was shallow, started to wade into the water. 

It was up his knee. This old fart. 

they call me trouble

Mom called today. 13 minutes call duration. 

She asked about me. There's really nothing worthy of mentioning and nowadays the only thing going on is when is my next oncall, which is tomorrow. 

Then she asked about my friends by name. Mom has always remembers my friends by name. I updated their location and that they're still alive managing COVID. I think. I last contacted Arif on Tuesday over my first oncall in Likas, Syukri on Friday mulling over this shitty career path, Savinder maybe 2 weeks back but he updated his IG so yeah he's alive. 

At the end of it she mentioned about my cousins who just got engaged and married to their neighbours. It clicked that the cousins are all younger than me but hey, comparison is the thief of joy and so the click went away as soon as it came. I told her that's good, convenient. With MCO in there's no need to argue where to balik kampung to.

Then she told me to get married to someone from the same state. I sniggered. 

I remember she told me years ago not to marry a Kelantanese because at that point of time few Kelantanese men we know were marrying second behind their wives. Anyhow I told her to find someone for me. She told me not to be picky and no one's perfect and I have flaws myself and I have to live giving and taking, and to go find him myself since I have friends in front of me. I told her the only thing in front of me is a wall, literally because I was on the bed staring at the wall. Figuratively it's MCO and I'm in Likas where good guys are either taken or gay. 

I wanna go to New York when this is all over. 

hand at fishing

This evening Luqman invited to go see sunset. There were him and Mizah and we fed a bunch of fishes Starbucks croissant and I had some of his coffee. It tasted like smoke and my throat felt dry.

I don't think I'll ever take up smoking. 

We went to the edge of the jetty admiring the sunset along a group of anglers. I walked up to a lady to see what she had fished. And then to her group of friends. The guy was friendly and we chatted how the fishes eat chicken liver because "ikan-ikan di sini pernah terluka jadi mereka makan hati" legit and he let me had a go at fishing.

So I stood there with my borrowed rod and admired the setting sun, praying maybe a fish will fall for me. 

I looked around and saw Mizah and Luqman where I left them. And later they were walking around. 

Yeah so I easily ditched them and easily chatted up with some stranger. I surmised that

1- I am more comfortable talking to strangers because that's what strangers are. You say hi, bid goodbye and never see each other again. Such short period thus warrant easy and light interaction. I'm here for a short time, not a long time. 

2-  If I walk with even number of friends, I am most likely to ditch them and be alone. It happened in Switzerland, it happened in Paris, it happened in Spain. So it definitely will happen on local ground. 

Why do I do that? 

I didn't catch anything of course. 

good night haru

I didn't vent anything immediately after the last post so that indicate I had at least an average first days back in Likas.

Miss is friendly funny snappy as ever. Her surgeons are quiet and when I observed their OT I kind of wish Lahad Datu OT. I had more control and more responsibility there. She introduced me to her surgeons with

"Atiqah ni kalau macam2, awak cakap je 'Atiqah, diam.' Dia ni kena tegur direct."

I nodded. She's spot on. 

Anyhow to today's topic. 

Last night Mizah came over and we had a sleepover because she was scared to sleep alone at her place. We were dishing out plans and I told her I'm not exactly really 100% looking forward to taking masters. 

She asked if it's my commitment issue. I seconded her. I stared at the dark ceiling and told her how I felt. 

Although I've never been in a serious relationship, "It's like you're in a 4 years relationship with a guy but you're not ready to marry him." 

So what's the issue?

I enjoy my current field and I think I'm pretty good at it. So it's not him, I guess. 

I've had trouble dealing with the variables of this field. Like having trouble with in-laws and his shitty friends. 

I think it's me. I really detest studying. I kept thinking how did I got through my schools with 11As and graduated with Very Good marks? I have no idea. 

I thought maybe I wanted to get married and settle down and raise a kid or two and the idea sounds interesting. But that's just the idea of it. I don't have the real thing, and I don't know how will I react to the real thing.

I guess it's a surprise. 

I'm impulsive and plan at the last minute but I hate unpredictable things. I want to be in control and safe. 

Whatever. Esok oncall. 

as arif said, some of the stressors will not be there anymore so we should be good, right?

Tomorrow 15/10/2020 I will start back my stint in HWKKS as a Paed Surgical MO. 

For the past three nights I have been having trouble sleeping, only able to sleep almost at 3am, almost took Piriton to sleep. I thought it was the heat but I've come to realise the insomnia was probably from anxiety. 

I'm anxious because I left there to run away from depression, what makes going back to Likas not equivalent to going back to depression? 

Deep breath, it's okay. Luqman will be there so I'll have an ally but he's also the bastard brother who left me in a pub with 2 drunkards so yeah. 

Anyhow you cannot depend on others to keep you afloat. You need to take deep breath. You need to keep calm and don't react. You need to remember it's okay even if you die. 

Wow diving tips really do wonders. 

Get through the day and we'll have omelette and sotong goreng tepung for dinner, deal? 

i left my heart in tabin, lahad datu

I'm updating my 2017-2019 logbook from my two years in Likas. Yeah I know I was supposed to do this before I even left for Lahad Datu but time passed. 

Anyhow as I went through the logbook, it brought back memories. I remembered the story behind some of these patients. I remembered doing the cases and learning from the surgeons. 

Unfortunately it also triggered a lot of bad feelings. I guess acting tough doesn't make you immune to mental health issues. 

Every day I doubt whether I really want to start back working in Likas but I'm here now. I submitted my HLP application. It doesn't help that my Likas logbook pales in comparison to my Lahad Datu ones.

I miss being in Tabin. 

i eat to fill the void in me

When I grew up and throughout my study, I've always had a single bed. 

At home in Lundang now I have a queen bed in my room but I sleep in Yaya's spare single bed. 

When I first got to Likas, my bed was a super single.

Then I moved to Lahad Datu where I had a single bed. 

Now I'm back in Likas and my bed now is a queen. 

I can't get over how big it is. Kevin and the friends are stashed on one end and me on the other end and there are still plenty space in between. I feel like swapping it for a couch or something but it comes with the room and where should I put it if not where it is now.

Yeah if I go to hotels I'd take a queen bed for me but having one every single night feels.. lonely. It makes me feel small and void and lonely.

I should find a cat. 

what day is today

This morning Luqman called me asking

"are you still alive? "

well "yeah" I picked up the phone didn't I 

And what's the condition of my quarantine

"do you have pink or white bracelet"

"neither"

"why"

"i dont know they didnt give me nor did i ask" 

And whether I can go out 

"dude im on house quarantine" 

"have you still your sanity" 

"well im starting to lose some (what is now, day 3 of quarantine?) but I can still see the sky and a tree from my window so I'm good"

"stay sane"

"yeah you too stay safe"

"stay sanee"

"yah haha okay"

"so I guess I'll see you.. when I see you"

"yeah sure I'll see you soon"

And then I hung up. It was 8.15 in the morning. Shouldn't he be doing rounds? Why is he asking me out.

Then I checked the date and day. It's a Saturday today. Man I'm losing track of days already.

It's good to be checked up on. 

last resus in lahad datu

My last oncall in Lahad Datu was on 16092020.

17092020 on mom's birthday, I was doing my AM round while slouching at the counter. Dija then showed up and told me of her dream last night. 

"Aku marah Miss Doon dalam mimpi. Kau oncall, pagi tu ada patient collapse. Aku terus teriak 'CPR sekarang!' dan cuma kau ja yang tolong. Miss tengok saja tidak tolong. Aku pun panggil dia. 'Miss mari sini saya mahu cakap.'"

I laughed at that incredible dream.

So Miss arrived and we did rounds. First patient this Y guy who has had 4 admissions this year alone for UGIB from NSAID abuse. The day before we did OGDS found a circumferential clot with F2A and 2B ulcers at D1. We transfused last night and today HB still dropping, but hemodynamically stable. We have to wait for PCR to send him over to HQE for distal gastrectomy but anyhow, move on to the next patient... 

Then suddenly he fitted in front of us with the pungent smell of massive fresh melena. 

Everyone automatically went towards the patient. Kamal held his arms to steady him down, Stephy was flattening the bed, Nabil was removing the bed ends, bla bla bla.

I was the only one who turned away from the patient to grab a box of gloves, wore some myself, then pushed the box to the others. Gloves up first guys. 

I went to his head and secured his airway. Then I locked eyes with Dija who was securing another line. 

"Dija kau mimpi apa malam tadi?" 

It was rhetorical. She grinned back at me. Nasib baik collapse pagi ni, kalau collapse semalam penat aku sorang2 hahaha. 

And Miss looked restless and her face screamed fucked. "We have to open him" she was muttering and I thought we're saving him from bleeding but this guy he either makes it or he's going to die from sepsis or leak.

Miss as in Dija's dream wasn't spearheading the resuscitation. She was busy thinking how to do the distal gastrectomy and calling up her superiors and looking up the textbook.

We resuscitated him and sent him for laparotomy. I remembered once his GCS was full and he was cooperative and orientated, I apologised to him for any wrongdoings because he's heading for a major surgery under not the idealest condition and I won't be around anymore. He apologised to me too. 

He had biliary leak and still surviving in ward till today, now post op day 14. 

cactus and commitment

I'm trying to get myself to commit again (again? Were we ever committed?) so I'm practicing on my cactus.

When Arif went for Kinabalu conquer he stopped at the tamu and asked me if I wanted vegetables from Kundasang. I was too lazy to cook so I asked him to get me a cactus and it lived with him for a while because I forgot to pick it up. By the time I took it, it has.. what's the term? Flourished? There were several plantings off it (is that what you call it?). 

This is how it is by the time I got it from Arif. 

It lived well with me and grew taller albeit disproportionate, imagine thick lower segments and thin upper segments. It thrived on my table beside the window and I water it a cap of water every time I could remember, like every 3 days or 4.

And then I moved back to Likas and it was on the floor of the passenger seat. I had the car filled with all my stuff. I had some water bottle placed unsecurely on the seat and when I drove, the bottle rolled and slammed right onto the cactus.

Stupid Atiqah. I can't do anything about this idiot. 

It was crushed. Every day I looked at it and it's smashed. I felt like throwing it into the trash and buy a new one but I can't just throw it and start over. 

First, someone gave it to me. 

Second, it's a cactus. Immobile. What little attention does it need? All you needed to do was to keep it safe and you went and got a bottle smashed right into it. If you can't even keep a cactus alive what about moving pets like a cat? What about career progression? What about a family? What about dreams? 

I got to Kundasang and I debated over getting some more cactus. I should not and just focus on keeping this one alive first. But I went to the tamu anyway to get some losun and there weren't many people around and I felt responsible to help the economy. 

I ended with four new cacti worth RM70 and this time I made sure to place them securely in the car. No water bottles unsecured. 

Today I repotted Cactus Number 1, with the plantings separated I hope it will make it. 

Ah shit. It looks bad. Like an overcooked spinach. I can't even keep it standing. Why Atiqah whyyyyy someone gave it! It should be important for you to value but you went and argh your stupidity is unparalleled! 

If it dies I guess I'm just not cut out for commitment, aye? Can't even keep a cactus alive what more a dream. I'm gonna go celibate and live off some super remote rural clinic.