Writing is a loner's way to reach out

I actually have been writing for a long time and at multiple sites. When I'm in a slump, like currently, I'll go reading. My past self sometimes surprise me how I fluctuate but remain unchanged.

I was reading my Wordpress. Don't bother looking it up, I'm the only one who has access to it. It's mostly my deepest darkest thoughts. I haven't update it in 5 years now and it was unnerving to look back at what I wrote. Years back I wrote my profile as "an easily bored person". And yeah I truly am. I won't call myself that now, although I am, but my past self was good at cutting short my bs.

I pride myself in writing my feelings vividly and in details. I've lost touch with those skills.

--

I'm postcall. Tired. Almost felt like I'm oncall again today what with left alone with the ward job after reviewing patients in clinic, and leading PM round. That's usually the oncall people's duty, but we never have a written rule as such.

But this job.. what's important is things get done. Doesn't matter by who or how or what you feel about it, as long as it's done.

Anyway. I was spent. Close to 6pm leaving the ward and I'm supposed to pass up the roaster I made two weeks back. My colleagues had the roaster opened on the computer and having a look at it.

But the thing is, two of my colleagues added request yesterday when I was oncall and I'm torn between my nice by default and wanting to accommodate everyone attitude versus my cmon I told you guys two weeks ago no more requests.

So I threw it to the wind. Screw this, I have work anyway tomorrow. "I need to sleep first."

I went to my car. Plopped down, hit the on button, turned the aircond on, put Fxxk It playing on the speaker. Because I really felt like fxxk it. Stayed there close to an hour because I was tired and unmotivated.

But I was hungry. I only had kuih for brunch and that was all. Poor self care.

I'll buy you food. Just name it. Don't even think about money.
Really.
Cmon. We have to cheer up.
Anything?
The only limiting factor is sobriety to drive there.
Okay then..

So I really didn't think. I ordered all the comfort food I could think of. Warm rice, omelette, sotong celup tepung, and a stir fry vegetables dish. The last one being a reluctant addition to promote better health. Also ordered a piece of grilled lamb chop.

Belatedly I thought who was going to eat all this. Although one personality coolly pays for it, we share one gut system.

Urgh just pick a hobby and stick with it, pick one and stop this childlike whining

Yesterday was Friday. End of the week. I would be oncall on Sunday so I felt pressured as to what to plan for my only day off Saturday.

I don't bring work home. I hate doing work things at home. It belittles the definition of home. So finishing up on my audits and papers are a big no. I just won't do that.

Go somewhere? It's raining a lot these days. The melancholy kind of rain that's mellowing my mood as well. Doing outdoor things is not a good idea, I'll catch a cold. And the car's due for a service but I haven't scheduled that yet. Let's go far once the car's sorted out.

Mall? For God's sake.. I should hang out and meet new people for the Be Brave Resolution, but I'm actually a reserved person. I don't like crowd..

Slack off? I've been having Lazy Off Days a lot lately, it's getting to me.

What do you want?
I want.. to feel something. It's empty.
Need a hobby.

It comes from my flight back to Sabah. I had this conversation with three different passengers.

"Are you studying in Sabah?"
"No. I'm.. working."

They reaction to that was amusing. As much as I'm flattered they see me so young, sometimes it's tiring. Maybe I should lie next time and say I'm a student at UMS, but what if it escalated to "Ooooh my daughter also study there, which year/dorm are you?"

If you tell the truth, you wouldn't have to think about it. I don't have passion left to elaborate lies.

"What do you do?"
"I work at the hospital."

I try not to tell upfront I'm a doctor. I'll answer it if they ask. I don't know why.. Am I not proud? Am I losing interest? Not again. What is this with losing interest in things one by one.

For that, I wish I have a side job. So I can say "I'm self employed" or "I work in retail" or something. Anything.

---

So as I was staring at my wall last night, my phone rang. It was mom.

It hit me that we don't really call each other, so a call really means there's something up. Mom's worried about how dad is. He's stubborn and quiet about his health. Will only tell others when he's on the verge of collapsing, which is not fair to mom.

Are you reading this dad? Not. Fair. To. Mom. Mom cares about you. We care about you. You don't get to choose who cares about you. So please rely on us. At this rate, I'm worried what's next.

Doctors are the worst patients though. I'm just.. it's hard when you're away. I can't complain to mom when she's the one who has to handle things anyway. And this is why I'm in Paediatric Surgery, my patients are kids. Adults are another level of attitude.

I told mom about my ennui. About my want to do something so as not to be defined by my day job.

Mom told me I should be proud of my work. Am I not? Why am I not? That I'm helping others in a way no other profession is.

And she told me to focus.

I told her why I can't. I don't want to apply for Masters so soon because I felt like there's more I should do before I'm tied down.

Of course. She too feels like doing everything and anything. But she's limited by what she can actually do.

So it's genetic.
Yeah. Blame this ennui on mom?
Very adult.

"Like what? What else do you want to do? Online business?"
"I don't know."

That's the thing. I don't know. If I don't know what I want, how can I proceed?

Mom said I should write. I am, here! Ranting. I can't write a fiction because I don't have a plot. My life is so boring... Mundane... 

"You read my blog right?"
"Yes I do."

Hi mom.

---

After mom, I went back staring at the wall. And then my phone rang again. It was Luqman.

Ah. Few days back I was so slumped I called him in the middle of the day scripted with a "Hi are you busy? Can I have five minutes?" And I will seriously time myself.

But the call went straight to operator. He called me back after an hour or so and I was so happy to hear his voice it was worrying. Why is my mood dictated by a person's call. Am I so desperate for a show of attention? It's bad.

"Is it a good time to call?"

"I'm in rounds." I WAS GRINNING.

"I'll call you back later. After work?"

"After work is good. Thank youu." HELL MY CHESIRE GRIN.

He then called me when I was having dinner, so he said he'll call me later after I'm done. I could have talked while eating, but I didn't push it. Maybe he too needed to go have dinner.

But he didn't call me back. I did wait, hopeful a bit, though I didn't really have anything to talk about... maybe about my state. He's a good sounding board sometimes. But I was mostly happy that day after I heard his voice so my aim has been achieved.

So back to my ringing phone. I picked up. We chatted for twelve minutes. He was sober, so he listened a lot and didn't do much talking.

"How's life?"
"Boring."

He said I was too young to have a midlife crisis. He said we've all been there. He hoped I figure things out.

I hope so too.

---

Anyway. Today is Saturday. Woke up early thinking of going for a run and finally buy a bike today, but it was raining. Since last night.

Had breakfast, showered, cleaned the room, then Effa messaged me asking me to assist an incoming appendicectomy. I said I will.

I went out for lunch. Since patient was still en route, I went to the mall. Almost there, Effa informed me patient has already arrived and case posted.

Should I go to the mall anyway? There was a long queue of cars waiting to enter Imago, up until Gleneagles. Ah. I made the trip back.

I reached home at 3pm. And until now 8pm.. case not called to OT yet. I should have just go buy that comforter.

And I answered three calls asking about three different cases. Atiqah, who has a distaste for phone calls, picking up calls on her only day off and all three are work related...

You get my point now? You get why I want to do something else now?

Human are social creatures. They need to talk to somebody.

Yesterday I had company for dinner after having dinner alone since I went back home. It was fun despite me charging a RM75 bill. I forgot how fun it was to have company.

Then today I was in OT elective thus hungry all day and by the time I clocked out at 5 plus, I was thinking of food. To have company was fun, but who should I ask out for dinner tonight?

"I'm hungry," my surgeon said. So it was decided.

Dinner talk was work a bit, gossip mostly. My surgeon also said

"Look at the trainees. They are taking all opportunities for hands on skill. It's always either Che Mat or Chung in OT. Why are the others not doing the same?"

I stalled. There's no excuse out of this. I'm not the kind to say "You're right I'm sorry, will work harder" because I don't think that's the right answer.

"I'm not talking about you in particular, I'm talking about everyone."

I remained stalling. There's no excuse. But I should say something.

She changed the topic and talked about her MOs who are now surgeons and surgeons-to-be.

---

We went to our cars, mine on the opposite side of the road. She called out to me.

"Recruit your team."

"What?"

"Recruit your team. You can't be good alone. You have to have people working together with you. Then only you can all work happily and in continuity. That's what I said to Zaim. He was brilliant and too good, but he then learned to work with others."

"Thanks Miss." I sincerely meant that. I know I suck at delegating. How to not suck at delegating?

Let go. Just go.

People can see when the relationship is a toxic one. There's no way they themselves didn't see it. But what most intrigued me is why won't they leave?

What's holding you back? What are you afraid of? Giving up is good.

That being said, the longest relationship I have is with my career.

Loner ever, loser never

I was planning in my head regarding career advancement while the surgeons were scrubbed in and I got all worked up.

I wish I can cry and throw a tantrum "Moooom I hate using my head warghhh".

It sucks to plan life-changing things by yourself. It's like my life has only me in it. It felt lonely.

Chin up kid. Either you be brave and walk on this alone. Or you be brave and go find that person who means happiness to you.

Nyongtory

Today I cleaned my room. Washed everything, changed my linens, the friends, swept the floor, mopped it, washed the fan, scrubbed the bathroom. Name it.

I need an air purifier. Thought it was easy to buy online from Senheng and pick up at the store but it was fussy. Thought of going out for it but too lazy. Sometimes need a day with no human contact.

Played music and some videos. A lot of videos.

Came to realise that I'm over my Captain America obsession phase... and onto another one. With similar theme, which means I still have the same void. The want to shower that kind of attention to someone and having it reciprocated. Why in a fujoshi form though? Maybe that's how I know I'm straight.

I need a roommate.

Tomorrow start working. Ah. Every week-long leave is like a reboot to me. Now I need to hype myself up for work again.

And find a similar paying job if you want to quit this current one

When parents sent me off at the airport today, dad thanked me for coming home for this one week.

He said although we didn't really do much, he's just grateful I'm home. Someone else at home.

There was a slight sinking feeling at the melancholy of dad's tone.

I feel we need more kids at home. Grandkids. Mom and dad will make great grandparents and any kids will be lucky to have them as grandparents.

Okay. Let's get married this year.

Showing Effort

All this while I thought I'm a brave person who lives freely, but it turns out I'm actually a vulnerable person who lives cowardly.

Today's theme for our two hours discussion is Effort. It solidifies my 2019 resolution To Be Braver. Thanks Kie for being my therapist since 2009. She's waiting for her MMC full registration before leaving to Kulim for her MOship so I don't think I'll be seeing her much after this.

That's how life is.

2019: To be braver and go farther

I should do a recap of 2018, but even my logbook was last updated in Mac 2018 so what do you expect?

I was oncall on the last day of 2018. A very tiring one. I'm oncall again tomorrow so I hope Allah have more mercy on me and let me have an eased and relaxing oncall.

What do I look forward to in 2019?

1) to be healthier. I get a week worth of URTI almost every other month in 2018.

2) to be more well-mannered. More polite greetings, more diplomatic choice of words. No cursing out loud.

Let's stop there.