"I look around me and see a sweet life."

Today the team went for lunch together. In my car.

Carine was promoting how I keep my car clean. Mr. Ashok commented my plate is almost akin to my name. Then he opened the passenger door, looked around and said he should get his car cleaned as well.

It was a bit funny. I hardly ever have a passenger as space-occupying as Mr. Ashok. He filled up the space in the passenger seat and he looked like he needed more leg room. But Visha who is just a bit smaller than him was sitting behind him so I don't think he has the choice of reclining the seat.

He sat there with his schoolboy grin. He looked around curiously. Pointed out "What's that?" at my MP3 USB and wondered what kind of playlist I have.

I turned the system on. Muse was playing Supermassive Black Hole. Haha.

Then he turned to the passenger door and held up the thick Grosfeld's Principles of Paed Surgery I had there but barely open. His grin looked happy.

"Now I know who to ask questions to."

I'm screwed. I need to study harder.

Take a step back and make a list. And then kita susun mana satu nak buat dulu. Which is food. Let's get food first.

(1) I realized no one discussed next week's OT with Boss in clinic yesterday because I was oncall yesterday and was stuck in OT since morning. Takde orang discuss, maka takdenya orang call patient for operation la kan?

If I didn't discuss, no one does. Why? Should I have asked someone to? But we're a team and it's our team's OT, isn't it?

Or am I shallow and naive? Yup, I am. I should have asked someone to do it.

(2) Today is 30th already but I haven't finalized next month's roster. I drafted MOs side two weeks ago but as I presented to my colleagues it, one by one my colleagues came to me with their requests that they didn't put up on the board. And I obligingly edit again, one by one. I am nice to everyone except to myself.

After the fifth editing, and I was asking Vicky again what date was that he was busy, he answered vaguely and said "You don't need to think so hard."

I snapped. I told him I need to think hard if I want to accommodate everyone, which was my aim.

I should have put a lesser aim and just dish "Request lambat, aku tak layan. Kau buat jadual sendiri." or I try harder. I chose the latter, which makes me feel like crying.

(3) Visiting Ranau tak setel lagi. Astaghfirullah. Miss was just reminding me and oh God, I need to get it done before she gets back.

(4) Belum liase dengan MO Labuan lagi. Astaghfirullah. I need to sit down at clinic. This was a favour from Miss. And of course I know why she asks me to do this.

(5) Audit Tahunan Surgery tak payah cakap la, tahun lepas punya pun tak buat lagi. Memalukan Boss.

(6) Belum kira Audit SSI Appendix dan Performa ARM yang baru nak finalise.

(7) I'm sleep deprived, malam tadi semua orang pun call. NICU call, patient kami worsening (baby passed away later today PM.) Kota Marudu call refer dog bite. PSICU call, CBD dislodged and the Anaes MO asked the nurse to ask me about it oh come on, really Jeck?

(8) I can't do my work at home because my laptop's Microsoft isn't working and I'm staying back at work to do this stuffs, which makes me irritable.

(9) I need food.

(10) My surgeons are telling me to study. I know I need to study. I'm just a service MO with no family commitments and already this overwhelmed. How do I do this more efficiently? I am not matured enough to juggle all this but I need to be. How to be? Please help.

Oh God. Who am I even talking to?

The Return of The Sane Workaholic Sloth

In a bid to do something to get out of this slump, I took Vivky and Mr. Ashok's advice of putting goals for myself.

So today I went to Mr. Ashok with FOUR study proposals hahahahaha. And he's criticizing each with

"How is this going to help you in the future?"
"How is this going to help the community?"

With the rate everything was going, there was chance this was never seeing light. So I told him

"I'm doing all this because I want to do something or else I'm going to go terjun sungai every weekend until I get leptospirosis."

He got that I wasn't joking. But I said it in a happy manner.

Later I went and see Boss about it. Started my talk with

"Saya mencari kerja ni Boss."

It's a go for two of my proposals. So here's to Atiqah being serious.

Maybe it's time to get a shrink

It's possible that people are just so lonely and crave human attention but fear being seen desperate and being rejected that their feasible option is to talk to themselves. And envy Eddie Brock for having Venom around him every single time.

Like me, here, back conversing with Haru. Not what a matured adult will do. I want a partner of equal wit who will take the trouble of doing a lot of work on me and vice versa, but I'm too coward. Guess that's what I am these days.

On another note, Boss told Mr. Ashok what I vented to him yesterday, so this afternoon I had to deal with Mr. Ashok's funny little smiles and teasings saturated with 'I want to make this kid feel a bit better'.

It's all good. Funny, really, I'm uplifted. It shows that he really is a nice guy for feeling that he has to cheer his MO up. And I felt sorry that I've hit a low slump that someone else felt the need to cheer me up. A bit comforting too, I guess. At some point you get tired of always having to cheer yourself up.

I was remembering Clannad a lot these days, you know that anime I adored growing up? Nagisa used to not feel so inspired to go to school, so she would be dragging herself to school and when she get to the gate she'll say out loud what she wanted to eat by the end of the day. Something for her to look forward to. Like "red bean paste bread", simple stuffs.

That's what I've been doing. It's always just the first thing on my mind. Whatever food. All day I'll be like "I can deal with this, I'm getting sotong after work." And I'll drive myself there and buy them for me. It's saying something that I'm getting through each day by looking forward to accomplishing tiny goals like what food to eat. What happened to the bigger stuffs? Haha...

Today I felt like Big Apple's doughnuts. By default I don't fancy doughnuts with all the superfluous toppings. I usually just eat Krispy Kreme's original glazed that's only available in few places in KL and I have them like twice a year top. So today's Food Goal was a little too out of character for me. But since it was the first that I thought of since yesterday and me and I had a deal, Food Goal is Food Goal, I have to get some Big Apple's doughnuts today. Eating them is second.

I thought of dragging Vicky with me because that guy actually has girly sweet tooth and he can then eat the doughnuts. But that will entail me having to answer his questions of what's wrong with me and I don't need people asking me difficult questions I can't even answer myself.

I bought two pieces. They're still sitting on the drawer.

There are 3 people I call Boss: my dad, Mr. Tar, and Mr. Mughni

At the end of work today, I waited for Boss to finish at the clinic and had a talk with him.

Started off a bit reluctantly "It's not my place to say this.."

"But I'm listening," he said with his grin. He knew what I was going to say.

So I told him. I told him I'm worried about patients' safety, which brings me to worry us MOs are not learning the right thing, that will ultimately create an unhappy working environment. I told him what the reason for my concern do to us MOs behind his knowledge and I saw him frown.

"You all tak happy ke?"

"Saya super happy bila Boss ada." I smiled the sincerest I can. Our Boss is the best. "Seriously super happy."

In which he grinned. And then said "Then I'm worried bila saya tak ada..."

"I'm being put in a position to do something but I don't know how to, because when I open my mouth to even say a word, terus saya kena. And I think that's why I'm stressed up."

"As the head department, how may I help?"

"I'm not bringing this up to dump everything on you Boss, because we're a team, but I don't know. Maybe we need to have a better communication with each other."

Did I tell you I love my Boss? He's up there with my dad. I miss my dad a lot. Why the hell am I here in Sabah? I want my dad.

But I have Boss, so I guess I'll go to work and be a good MO for my Boss. If he's not in, for visiting or course or something, you can bet who's not showing up...

Hahah that's crazy Atiqah. Allah bestowed you this knowledge. And KKM pays your salary.

But not enough, they still pay me HO's salary. And I don't work for money. Sobs.

Even KakElli is saying I'm writing more depressive stuffs

Monday was a clinic day. I finished my patient, need a bathroom break so I went to stand in front of the WC because it was occupied. Mr. Ashok saw me and we talked about work.

Then he said "eh come here la, sit sit, I need to ask you something."

I sat. It sounded serious. What is it?

"What's troubling you? Do you have any personal problems? You seem very different this past days. You're not your usual self. You're not how you were when you first came here."

Oh shoot I screwed up so bad my surgeons are calling me out on this. Now what?

"Ah.. I'm not exactly sure what's the problem."

He told me:

If the problem I'm having is a person I hate, just treat it like a toilet. You BO, you flush it down. You forget about it.

Focus on what I want. You want to become a Paed Surgeon. You focus on your studying, your journals, your work. Forget about anything else.

He's like a big brother to us, so come see him if I need any help.

I'm seriously grateful for the talk. I am.

But I still believe the first step in settling this is to identify the culprit. What is bothering me? Is it my position? Is it something else? Can we credit all this mess to my position?

I think I'm messed up since September. Yeah September was when I started to become the most senior service MO here so it's likely. So it is?

If it is, I guess we're taking the "I'm not okay, so we're just going to accept that. It is what it is." approach because I can't get rid of this position. Yet.

I'm Googling up psychosocial support. So far not fruitful.

We're paid more or less the same

I'm not sure where the leak in my morale is but maybe being put in-charge is my problem. But I can't solve a problem by running away from it, right? Nor solve a problem by creating another problem.

Maybe I'll just accept that I'm in-charge and I'm not okay about it. And that is that.

Today I tried to run the MO work while I was stuck in emergency OT, ordering the other MOs this and that. We all join rounds in the morning, I'm post postcall, so why am I the one who noted what's supposed to be done and how it's supposed to be done?

Thank God the postcall person owned up to the surgeon as to why some plans were not carried out and later muhasabahed himself in my presence (in which I kept quiet and restrained from saying "I told you, didn't I"), otherwise the surgeons would have asked me about it and I'd just answer "I was in OT" while glaring dagger at said person "I reminded you in our MO chat group. Should I start telling you how to do your job now?"

Come to think of it, I probably should do that. Tell people how to do their job... without them feeling I'm telling them how to do their job. I need to be more manipulative and diplomatic with my words... Oh God.

I need to jump into some river now.

APLS

I'm stressed about my Serious Illness Simulation during APLS. I didn't get Good for two attempts so I'm down for my last attempt tomorrow.

How la one year left Medical and didn't study properly and expect good marks for Medical part? I need to study and I will.

Maybe my face was grim. I sat next to Vignesh for comfort. After everyone else have left he asked me what's wrong. Is it work? What is it?

"And don't lie to me, I know when there's something wrong with you."

Either Vignesh is very perceptive or I'm really that readable. I need to work on my Neutral Face Mask.

Team Dynamic

We finished OT and my registrar was writing the op note while I was sitting next to him bugging him. His hand got up to smack me when Boss arrived grinning behind his mask and saw us hackling.

Registrar immediately turned polite "Hi Boss" and yours truly went "Boss tengok ni Vignesh nak pukul saya".

Carine called me out on my tale-telling "Atiqah ni macam anak mengadu kepada ayah dia" and like any dads, Boss maintained his grin behind his mask.