Rebel without a cause

I've always had this habit of cutting my bangs off whenever I'm tensed, or disturbed, or whatever. Hold a scissors to my forehead and snip. It's probably a subtle way at body harming because I'm at my limit in hell but I don't want to go to hell for real. So I cut my hair instead.

But things escalated.

First it's the tattoo-like henna I had drawn over my forearm. It was in December and Ara suggested we get hennaed because it was almost her wedding day. I had a tribal design hennaed over my wrist, just hidden under my long sleeve because I have work and tattoos aren't allowed in our professional conduct. RM 15 from a booth set up in the middle of Imago. Their store was in Karamunsing but I forgot to get the details. Mr. Ashok commented it was pretty and I told him I had it done for a wedding.

Then it was Jiha's wedding in March or so and I had a dreamcatcher drawn over the whole length of my forearm flexor. In bright red, RM 20 from PinkyToes Nail Spa in Centre Point. Chung said I had tattoos now. I didn't deny.

And then last weekend. I just had to. Went to Centre Point three times just to get it done (first PinkyToes was closing, second the shop wasn't up and open yet, third they effing ran out of henna dammit) before I went to the more expensive but too floral designed Pretty Hennababy in Centre Point. Paid RM50 for a floral design over the whole of my flexor in black.

I loved my first one best. This third one looked like I drew on my forearm with a Sharpie. Anaes MOs kept commenting did I get tattooed or something and I pulled down my sleeve in response. That day in OT I kept thinking what Jiyong's mom once told him

"If you get any more tattoos you will look like a dirty beggar."

I really did feel like a dirty beggar and I scrubbed it off this morning before work. Lasted only six days. Plus I had a bruise nearby it from the lid of the biohazard bin closing onto my forearm and it was hideously purple and the whole thing just made my forearm looked like a mess.

But then tonight I plastered a temporary tattoo on my arm. What the heck is going on with you?

Second it was the hair dyeing thing. My hair is burgundy close to a dirty dark shade of purple now. I first had it coloured when Nisa suggested we had it done just for fun. When was that again?

Then I dyed it again in April because I was damn stressed with the exam. And then again today, because I want it bright red before I turn 29.

The bad thing about looking young is I forget I'm old and only getting older. I'm gonna be 29 after this weekend and damn me do I know how old that is? Let's not even talk about accomplishment. What do I have to brag about?

Yeah that's it. Nil, nada.

We're being sent away because you're manja

Today I was excited and pumped to plan for the rest of the year.

And evening come with news that we might be sent to Lahad Datu instead of Keningau, and you sulked because LD is far.

There's a reason why we haven't been to LD yet. It's too far to drive to. Yeah. So?

With your mood, I guess planning ahead is something we'll take slow.

Just go sleep. Think about celebrating the first anniversary of The Great Seungri tomorrow. Think about the roadtrip next week. Think about where to get the best sunset in Fukuoka.

I don't need a reason to love them but

What little time I've spent with the Limbang Princes has been eye opening.

Pofin and Faez may be idiots but clinically I trust them. They've always been one of the most reliable colleagues I have when we were in HRPZ and as MOs they're the ones who established the ETD Department in Limbang. Faez is basically their HOD.

And career wise they are driven. The first question Pofin asked me when I met them yesterday was "So Atiqah, apa progress?"

They sat for BSE last month or so. Results out in a week. And next week or so they're going for Masters entrance exam. What do you know. They're still the laid back idiots I know and love but professionally they're something else.

Me? I replied him with a shake. "I'm doing my General Surgery rotation soon. And I'm never taking exams again."

Fooling around with them was fun, but
I need to grow up. I need to be career driven as well. I need to step up my game.

Friday nights for partying

On Tuesday I found out Pofin was coming to Tawau for the Borneo Trauma Update from Syukri and I threw a fit. That bastard didn't even tell me about it!

I called him immediately, tapping my feet angrily while waiting for the elevator. I don't ever act like this but this is Pofin, he's my favourite bastard, his name is on the left lobe of my liver and I specifically told him I will block his number if he didn't meet me when he comes to KK.

And I don't really call people but there I was giving him a call in an accusing tone acting like a clingy girlfriend asking why was he in KK but didn't tell me about it.

He was surprised and asked me how did I know. I could imagine him looking around as he thought I was in the airport as well (he and Faez drove from Limbang and just arrived at KKIA for their flight to Tawau). I pffed him and told him that wasn't the point and that I was oncall and was at the hospital. He then explained himself.

We were cool after that haha. It was fun being dramatic for a while. I asked him when he's coming back to KK. He said on Friday. I said I'll go see him after work and he said okay.

And so Friday came and I was looking forward to dinner today. I texted him and he said Eddy was gonna take them somewhere first and he'll text me afterwards. I said okay but I was feeling peachy. I thought we were gonna have dinner together. I didn't have lunch and I was hungry. I wanted to eat with him.

So I was waiting for him hungrily. I watched an episode of Korean drama thinking it's a given that I wanted to see him more than he wanted to see me, I mean I've always love more than I am loved. I was sulking and then Luqman texted regarding our trip so I thought maybe I should just stay in tonight and settle our trip things.

At eight Pofin called me. I glared at my phone. He made me wait, let's make him wait a bit. I didn't even reply his messages after that. He called a total of three times in half an hour and I just kept on sulking while settling my trip thing.

Then I realized sulking only made me hungrier and pining more to see him and that an hour and half later was when I finally reply him. And I was glad I did.

As I put on my jacket I asked Luqman if he was gonna look through accomodation tonight.

He said he was.

I told him "Friday nights for partying" implying I was going out.

He said he was too old for that.

I should have replied him good night, but I don't have that kind of polite etiquette. So I didn't reply anything.

I went out and met the boys, where conversation and laughter flew fluid like old times. We finished our food and the boys were heading next to karaoke, but I didn't follow them to their car when they crossed the road towards it because I saw the time was 11.30pm already. Pofin looked at me surprised and said

"Eh Tiqah tak ikut (pergi karaoke)?"

I said no and waved them off. He said he'll see me tomorrow.

It was totally him to expect me to follow them but I know where my limits are. It was bad enough that I was going out with three guys late at night and now smelling like smoke and sweet shisha, I think my parents might disown me if I hang out with them past midnight at a karaoke bar.

I walked towards my car. Yup, he's definitely my favourite bastard.

bebeh

We had a chronic HO once, or you can call her our ward adopted child. She's cheeky with a belly bigger than her head and doesn't contribute much to our department besides "menghabiskan nasi Likas" and make our day brighter.

She liked that song "Sumandak Sabah" so much and will shake her tiny hips to it. I used to make fun of her "Kau sumandak Sabah kah? Kau lawa kah? Kau pandai kah masak nasi?" but she will laugh happily at me probably thinking I'm praising her.

They were playing that song in OR today and thus my kinda mellow mood.

We discharged her to her biological mother what three weeks ago and have lost contact with her for the past week. I did the discharge, the casenote was too thick for me to bother with so I wrote a one-page summary basically on how to take care of her and to just give me a call if any more information is needed. We decided we didn't want anyone using her summary for sympathy and personal gain heh.

She's a strong kid. I told her to take care of herself, come to the hospital if she's sick and don't die at home when we parted but she only screamed at me for hugging her too tight. Brat.

She left her walker's musical thing in ward and yesterday one of the student nurses lighted that thing up and the annoying music come to life and the staff nurses and I all turned to (jokingly) scoff at that student.

"Jangan disentuh benda itu, kau mahu guris hati kami semua kah?"

Thinking of her makes me happy, I hope she will always be happy and healthy wherever she is. 

Edited February 2021:

She was later adopted by a police couple in Tawau and so far came for her TCA in Tawau. They always send me videos of her when she does. I'm not sure what name she goes by now but she will always be Bebeh or Putput to me.

I'm always appreciative of my Anaes colleagues. I used to be one of them.

It was 2pm. I was at the counter, sleepy, lazily reviewing patients. Two small kids ran pass me in the hallway blabbing baby talks and I recognized them as today's post op kids.

Running around kids shouldn't be in the hospital, they should be discharged. I stood up from my seat and ran after them. I asked the mothers to bring the kids back to their bed so I could examine them before their discharge.

The mothers brought the kids back while I went to get my casenotes. The kids were laid down for a minute waiting for me before they decided to up and about. My fault for making them wait. The two of them regrouped and ran around the cubicle. I had to chase them back.

Whoever the Anaes were, they gave hell good blocks. The kids felt nothing. One was a 5 hours post bilateral herniotomy and the other was a 4 hours post right orchidopexy. They were running in ward like normal kids.

The mother looked at me. Will the blocks wear off?

They will, I said, in about 12 hours. That's when we let oral analgesic works.