It was almost 5pm and we're just starting to close the abdomen. Halfway closing the muscles, Mr. Fitri said to me
"Atiqah nak pergi tulis op note dulu?"
I looked up to him silently but thoughts were racing in my mind. That's how I am nowadays, so much to say but hardly anything come out. I wanted to close the skin at least so he can scrub out and pray, and for me to feel a semblance of usefulness. But Mr. Yusran who was the main surgeon had already scrubbed out to attend to another patient said he will return shortly to check the op notes I have written, is that why he's suggesting I start writing now? Is that what this is, a suggestion? Or is it an order? Or a reverse one? Like that time when he asked me if I wanted him to do manual evacuation on a kid, that was definitely a reverse suggestion.
I have no energy to overthink. Guys are all about face value, I think. So I asked him back
"Takpe ke?"
"Saya dah biasa."
Whatever that means, he made it sound lonely. I laughed my thanks and beckoned to the scrub nurse to keep him company. And then I scrubbed out.
He checked my op notes later on.
