sudah la tu, ur like a lovesick puppy with cancer

Yesterday Rayner asked me if I went to Arif's for raya. I wanted to ask why Arif's house he's asking and not Dija's. But I replied him that I was at his place on raya eve, day 1 and day 2 raya. 

"Nasib je day 3 raya aku oncall, kalau tak aku di sana juga kot."

Apparently other MOs have been telling them that we cook often at Arif's place.

The conversation then went down to Dickson asking if Arif's looking for a new housemate because he saw Arif advertising for a vacancy. I told him it's probably to take his place, he's transferring to Tawau.

Oh. Dickson didn't know. I thought he would. He's in their cliques of gamer, isn't he? I remember dropping off Arif's McD at Dickson's place.

Then Kak Najwa said someone said last week that I was acting weird and sad and somewhat troubled. Was it because of Arif leaving?

I paused. Then I said of course I was, how dare he leave me before I leave this place. 

These people, they're reading differently into Arif and I. I remember sitting down with Aisyah from Anaes when she asked me the gossip that I'm with him.

I trust him and I love him. More than most and so I don't want to screw our relationship up. That's why I designated him as my brother and he me as his sister. When we both part ways, I most likely wouldn't see him again because I'm just that kind of person. But I'll hit him up if I'm in Kota Bharu or Tawau and I will always be up for it if he needs anything. 

It's not something normal people will do, in our culture at least. I am attached to him. Maybe that's why people think I'm depressed because Arif is leaving. 

I don't even realise I've been so. Yeah I remember throwing a fit when I first got the news he's leaving, and that I went through all the stages of grief that night. 

But even if I really was troubled, I think it was because of H. (Refer previous posts on snippet of what happened.) 

No one makes me more serabut than my thinking of him. I have a playlist of rejected / break up songs dedicated to my feelings for him. And that included a really painful Tergantung Sepi. 

It's different from H though. With H.. I don't know. Just different. Probably how loving someone and in love with someone are two different things.

---

Today I announced in our MO group that I'm going out to get pizza and cake for Miss's birthday. Arif then PMed me saying he wants to tag along. I told him I'll pick him up at the lobby. 

We chit chat in the car, I was wondering which road to take. And we talked about how different the town feels. I haven't been in this part since MCO started. 

I told him I'm celebrating Miss's birthday because she told me she always celebrates with her family and that her mom will cook her this longevity mee suah with eggs. 

"Tapi tahun ni dia dengan kita sebab MCO. Kalau aku, aku rasa kesik."

He said I was being kind. 

"Tak. Aku tak sanggup nak biarkan orang rasa kesik."

He talked about his day at the car shop getting his bumper fixed (RM50) and additional window cover and fix his brake light that the car shop auntie talked him into buying (extra RM150). 

We went to pizza. I went inside to pick up and he waited outside for me (he wasn't wearing a mask).

I went out and he told me there wasn't any queue at Secret Recipe while taking the pizza from me and offered to put it back in the car. I gave him the pizza and my car key and went inside Secret Recipe.

He was done and he joined me in choosing a cake, also what to write on the cake. 

We waited outside for the cake. He went to the ATM. Then cake is packed and we went back to the car.

It felt nice. I rarely get out from the hospital and it felt like a little date. It was nice. I felt like telling everyone that I'm on a date with Arif. 

But Savin said it's only a date if the feeling is mutual. What feeling is that to classify it as a date? Whatever that is, it felt nice. 

He tolerated my speeding. He did use to take my keys away and drove instead because he thought my driving was dangerous. But he guarded the cake well. I was worried I'll get the cake squashed despite him holding it with my speeding to catch up with Miss but I still sped anyway. I'm hopeless. 

We parked. He carried the pizza and I the cake. It occurred to me how smoothly our interactions are. We really have good teamwork. For someone I've only met since 8 months, we really clicked well better than people I've known longer. Must be all the Tawau fiasco we went through.

Then it hit me. I want something like that with H too. Maybe I should work in the same hospital as H so we can go for short little dates like that too. 

But I'm here. And he's there. I confessed and he declined. I tried to move on but he's still a friend who occasionally ask me how I'm doing. Fuck you why would you do that when you've never done that before. 

I'm not trying hard enough. I still feel attached to him. I still listen to my rejected playlist dedicated to my feelings for him. 

We walked to our ward and set up the party (cake is safe). Then we waited for Miss at the counter, Arif chatting with Fitri and me settling some ward work before I saw him walking out from the ward.

"Gi mana be" I texted him. 

I've taken to talk to him in Kelantanese when it's just us two. He calls me kak a lot. If I call him dik I'm at risk of being condescending when we're actually at partner level. We have good teamwork. So I call him abe. 

"Bawah jap."

That was around 3.30pm and he never came back up. We ate around 5pm and I texted him if he was coming or should I tapau for him? The cake really was nice. 

He said he's going back first. I said bye.

I should say bye to H and move on too. Probably delete him off my contact.

can i call you mine

This evening I took Renji for a ride speeding to Silam. I haven't gone out that direction in almost three months and I missed the ride.

I wanted to sit down by the water and wet my feet but unexpectedly there were many cars lined up by the water including a patrol car and Glen our diver's car. Maybe it's the time when ikan segar naik.

I did a three point, stared longingly at the water, and drove back. 

I wanted a lot of things, but the things that I have are actually just down to a few. 

I have myself. 

My job. 

My car, which when I left overnight at Arif's made me realise how much of a home my car is. 

My family, but they're far. 

My freedom to explore. Decapitated by this pandemic. 

I guess that's all I have to call mine. Just myself and my job. 

second day of coveid

Second day Raya. I left my car at Arif's place yesterday because we carpooled to Kak Sitti's place while Arif was at his place entertaining Zahar and when we were done, Arif tertidur and I didn't want to call him to let me in his house. So Nabil dropped me at my place. 

Malam semalam Arif sent me dinner nasi dagang. I kinda feel bad that he had to kemas makanan himself but he didn't mind. 

Pagi tadi took Grab with Kamal to Arif's around 9.30am and he didn't reply my message that morning so I know he was still asleep. Probably main game lepas Subuh lepas tu tertidur (I was right). We neared and I called him to bukak pintu and he answered sleepily and told me he needs to shower first. I oied him to let me in first. He did. 

I set up breakfast, heated up everything, then instructed Kamal to make coffee and fry the omelette. I had to walk Kamal through how to make the omelette to my taste and he went to fry it, but Arif took over the frying part. I think he knows by now omelette is my favourite but I rarely cook them myself when we're eating together, I always get him to cook the omelette for me. 

That's my way of being bratty. I'll cook everything else and whatever they want to pamper them, but I'll get them to cook my favourite to feel pampered myself. Haha. 

Anyway, we finished off the nasi dagang and I can't stress enough how delicious it is, jual worthy and it's our first time making it. I rarely eat nasi dagang what more gulai ikan, but this I ate four plates in total. I'm so proud of Arif and I. I told him he can make them again next year and he told me then to come over to Tawau for Raya.

I didn't reply that I don't think I'll ever see him again once he's in Tawau and what more when I'm back in Likas. 

I was supposed to be seeing him until September ends but it's now shortened by two months. So yeah, I'm using whatever time I have left for happy memories. He's a brother I'm proud of. 

i wanna call you baby

I don't want to be clingy but sometimes I miss you. I think about you and all I do is pray for my forgiveness and pray for your happiness. 

So I just keep to habitual, greeting on occasions. I really do count when was the last time I texted you. 

I do realise you don't appreciate me as much as I do, but when I make moves to move on, you'll show out of nowhere. It's actually frustrating and I want to cry, but I miss you. And I guess you sporadically miss me too. I want you to always be well, I pray for you to be happy. I want you to get married so that I'm let go. 

Last night I texted you happy eid. Because the last time I initiated it was the beginning of Ramadan and I told myself the next time I initiate will be on Raya. 

And today I celebrated raya with my folks and the guys. We went to our staff nurse's house and almost as I was finishing my meal, she pointed at her younger son and said his name is yours. 

I immediately looked up with an expecting face. Almost as if I was expecting to see you and I froze because it wasn't you. 

Dija looked at me when it happened and | told her I felt sad and I didn't want to finish my food. But I did, out of politeness.

What was I thinking? Clearly I wasn't thinking. You're oncall today.

I went home and texted you a happy oncall. You replied me with an ultrasound liver with a distended gallbladder.

I miss you. But I need to move on because it's not healthy pining for someone who doesn't feel the same way.

Dear God, if he's not for me then why are You making it hard to move on? 

i do miss you sometimes. why though.

I was checking out some other guy and replying his comments on FB when suddenly out of nowhere H messaged me.

I threw my phone onto the counter. Screw you and your timing!

I stared at my phone angrily for a minute before I decided yeah I miss you too. Sometimes. Not now when I'm chatting up other guys but I shouldn't play hard to get. 

So I texted him back. Oh hi.

27 July

Syukri send me a screenshot of the transfer respond. Arif's request to transfer Tawau is granted. He's to report duty there on 27th July. 

I bet he got this from Arif. Fuck you Arif for not telling me yourself. I think he knows I'll get sad about this but argh screw you Arif. 

Two months to go yet I'm feeling depressed already. Like I didn't know this was happening. Screw it I'm gonna get lost in some wood that time, I don't want to be adult about this. 

I'm definitely gonna get lost that week. I'm gonna be moping alone sad for my 30th birthday.

The next morning. Arif texted me a single liner. 

"Dilema"

Well. He later told me he'd take a 2 weeks tunggakan and cuti the hell out of it. 

Yeah me too. I've told Dija I don't want to work the last week of July.