"Nasib je day 3 raya aku oncall, kalau tak aku di sana juga kot."
Apparently other MOs have been telling them that we cook often at Arif's place.
The conversation then went down to Dickson asking if Arif's looking for a new housemate because he saw Arif advertising for a vacancy. I told him it's probably to take his place, he's transferring to Tawau.
Oh. Dickson didn't know. I thought he would. He's in their cliques of gamer, isn't he? I remember dropping off Arif's McD at Dickson's place.
Then Kak Najwa said someone said last week that I was acting weird and sad and somewhat troubled. Was it because of Arif leaving?
I paused. Then I said of course I was, how dare he leave me before I leave this place.
These people, they're reading differently into Arif and I. I remember sitting down with Aisyah from Anaes when she asked me the gossip that I'm with him.
I trust him and I love him. More than most and so I don't want to screw our relationship up. That's why I designated him as my brother and he me as his sister. When we both part ways, I most likely wouldn't see him again because I'm just that kind of person. But I'll hit him up if I'm in Kota Bharu or Tawau and I will always be up for it if he needs anything.
It's not something normal people will do, in our culture at least. I am attached to him. Maybe that's why people think I'm depressed because Arif is leaving.
I don't even realise I've been so. Yeah I remember throwing a fit when I first got the news he's leaving, and that I went through all the stages of grief that night.
But even if I really was troubled, I think it was because of H. (Refer previous posts on snippet of what happened.)
No one makes me more serabut than my thinking of him. I have a playlist of rejected / break up songs dedicated to my feelings for him. And that included a really painful Tergantung Sepi.
It's different from H though. With H.. I don't know. Just different. Probably how loving someone and in love with someone are two different things.
---
Today I announced in our MO group that I'm going out to get pizza and cake for Miss's birthday. Arif then PMed me saying he wants to tag along. I told him I'll pick him up at the lobby.
We chit chat in the car, I was wondering which road to take. And we talked about how different the town feels. I haven't been in this part since MCO started.
I told him I'm celebrating Miss's birthday because she told me she always celebrates with her family and that her mom will cook her this longevity mee suah with eggs.
"Tapi tahun ni dia dengan kita sebab MCO. Kalau aku, aku rasa kesik."
He said I was being kind.
"Tak. Aku tak sanggup nak biarkan orang rasa kesik."
He talked about his day at the car shop getting his bumper fixed (RM50) and additional window cover and fix his brake light that the car shop auntie talked him into buying (extra RM150).
We went to pizza. I went inside to pick up and he waited outside for me (he wasn't wearing a mask).
I went out and he told me there wasn't any queue at Secret Recipe while taking the pizza from me and offered to put it back in the car. I gave him the pizza and my car key and went inside Secret Recipe.
He was done and he joined me in choosing a cake, also what to write on the cake.
We waited outside for the cake. He went to the ATM. Then cake is packed and we went back to the car.
It felt nice. I rarely get out from the hospital and it felt like a little date. It was nice. I felt like telling everyone that I'm on a date with Arif.
But Savin said it's only a date if the feeling is mutual. What feeling is that to classify it as a date? Whatever that is, it felt nice.
He tolerated my speeding. He did use to take my keys away and drove instead because he thought my driving was dangerous. But he guarded the cake well. I was worried I'll get the cake squashed despite him holding it with my speeding to catch up with Miss but I still sped anyway. I'm hopeless.
We parked. He carried the pizza and I the cake. It occurred to me how smoothly our interactions are. We really have good teamwork. For someone I've only met since 8 months, we really clicked well better than people I've known longer. Must be all the Tawau fiasco we went through.
Then it hit me. I want something like that with H too. Maybe I should work in the same hospital as H so we can go for short little dates like that too.
But I'm here. And he's there. I confessed and he declined. I tried to move on but he's still a friend who occasionally ask me how I'm doing. Fuck you why would you do that when you've never done that before.
I'm not trying hard enough. I still feel attached to him. I still listen to my rejected playlist dedicated to my feelings for him.
We walked to our ward and set up the party (cake is safe). Then we waited for Miss at the counter, Arif chatting with Fitri and me settling some ward work before I saw him walking out from the ward.
"Gi mana be" I texted him.
I've taken to talk to him in Kelantanese when it's just us two. He calls me kak a lot. If I call him dik I'm at risk of being condescending when we're actually at partner level. We have good teamwork. So I call him abe.
"Bawah jap."
That was around 3.30pm and he never came back up. We ate around 5pm and I texted him if he was coming or should I tapau for him? The cake really was nice.
He said he's going back first. I said bye.
I should say bye to H and move on too. Probably delete him off my contact.
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