2025, in short

In 2025, I learned about boundaries.

There was a guy I liked once. One time I had extra coffee so I went to his workplace and dropped it beside his table.

"For you," I said.

He replied "Oh no you shouldn't have. I don't drink coffee!"

"For real?"

"For real."

I took the coffee back and drank it.

The next time was about 5 months after that. He cancelled the lunch he invited me to so I went and bought dinner for oncall him and the oncall person who is my friend, and also to another of friend of mine who was oncall in a different department. I only met my friends to pass them the dinner face to face, and only texted him after.

He replied me way later with "You should have told me earlier. I had dinner with my family."

Lessons learnt:

1- If ever anyone was being kind to me, I will thank them for the thoughts and efforts and that's it. Even if they buy me coffee and I suspect they jinx it. I will smile and take the coffee and later when they're away, flush it down the drain. But I will thank them first.

2- I respect myself for only doing this kind of niceties to someone single who I'm interested in. I told a lot of people that "I'll buy you lunch" etc but they're mostly in passing. Just thoughts. I respect myself and others too much and I don't wreck homes.

3- I see people for who they are and understand them. So I wish to be seen for who I am and be understood, too. Not being reciprocated means that's not the space for me. I don't think people will change and unequal expectation will just build resentment. I choose to walk away.

4- I cannot eat too spicy food these days. Ayam gepuk is so nice but I had terrible gastritis after eating entry level spicy sambal on three separate occasions. That's it for me, no more.

Break-fast at CBTL

Final moment. In his car. It was obvious I was dilly dallying but I have to end this now. I grinned and turned to him.

“This has been fun and really nice. Thank you. But I’ll be honest.” I paused for one last look at him. “I like you, a hell lot.”

He chuckled. 

I chuckled too. “I like you a lot. I have no idea why. And I care about you so deeply.”

He smiled softly, looking forward. “I have girls who have liked me, but I just can’t.”

“Why not?” I turned to look at him. 

“I’ve this insecurity. I’ve accepted that I’ll grow old alone. I’ve a friend in similar situation like you, and we’re still just friends.”

I turned to face forward. “That’s the thing. I know what I want. I want.. to share your life. And I want to share my life with you. I want to marry you, that sort of thing.”

“It won’t happen..”

“I know.” I felt something catch in my throat. “I’ve known that you’re emotionally unavailable to me. And I can’t keep liking someone who doesn’t like me back. So yeah. The last time I said this to you, you still wanted to be friends. But I can’t be your friend because I don’t want to be your friend. And I don’t want to see you again.”

“Yeah.”

“I wish you a good..” I was thought block. A good call? He’s postcall. 

“A good life.”

“Yeah, I wish you a good life. Bye.”

“Safe trip and have a good life, Atiqah.”

It wasn’t a graceful exit. I dropped my phone on the road when I exited his car. And I fumbled looking for my car key as I stood at my driver’s door.

He turned his car around as I entered mine. He had his window down and waved from out of the window.

I gave a short wave and drove off.

If I never see your face again, I don’t mind

9.5.25

Tea time with him and Myny. Upon parting, I said “See you one day. In ten years..” as I stood up to leave.

He responded with “Ten years?” Trailing off. I didn’t say anything.

14.5.25

I gave him the OT cap with my farewell. I told Fadzlin I’m done.

24.5.25

He texted me asking when is my last day in KB. I didn’t reply.

25.5.25

I came to the department on Dr. Fairos’s invitation. He asked and I answered. He said “We have time for another meet up.”

I looked at him with a quiet “One day. Someday.”

“How about tomorrow? I’ve a course tomorrow.” He said.

26.5.25

He offered to send me back. I grinned and accepted. Upon reaching home, he said, both hands on the wheel. “I’ll see you.”

”Some day.”

“There’s still time for another meet-up. Tomorrow, Wednesday, before you leave on Thursday.”

I paused as I smiled at him. It’s cute that he wants to meet-up when I’ve long said my farewell to him when I gave him that OT cap.

“Thank you.” My tone a little resigned.

28.5.25

I met Fadzlin for lunch and casually mentioned he reached out for a meet-up. Flurry of discussion. They told me to spell it to him. Meet him after his presentation and say it and get rejected or whatsoever, but say it.

Okay, okay. Yeah I should.

He texted me “I’m sorry I couldn’t make time for makan-makan before you leave.”

I replied him wishing him good luck with his presentation. And to make time for me after that please?

29.5.25

His presentation went well. I was ready to say my final farewell as I walked him to Radiology, but he cut me to it.

“Wanna have lunch today?”

I nodded.

2pm he texted sorry he’s still stuck with work. I replied him I’ve got time.

3pm he said he couldn’t make it today. And I’m like. Not unexpected but it still stung. I didn’t say my final farewell this morning because I thought I could do it over lunch that you invited me to. I replied with a single ☹️

“So sorry. Let’s have breakfast tomorrow?”

I said yes and thanked him for trying to make time for me.

30.5.25

Breakfast catching up and before we left the table, I gathered my courage and started with “I dunno if I’ll ever see you again..”

“I’ll be going to HKL in July. There’s a CPG update on thalassemia.”

The fuck?

“It’s on Monday and Tuesday. I haven’t decided whether to go on Friday and go back on Tuesday, or go on Sunday and spend the whole week in KL.”

I blinked and we continued this train of conversation. But internally, how am I going to say it now? Is this an invite for a meet-up? Can’t he sense what I’m trying to do? Why does this guy want to meet-up with me?

We then left, I have to go and he has 12 reports pending. I grinned exasperatedly as I opened the door and exit the store.

“I have something to say. I didn’t intend to see you again after I gave you that OT cap, and just now you kinda cut my train of thought.”

“Where did you park?”

“At the library.”

“Let’s take my car.”

“Oh I’ve been curious about your sunroof.” Cue me had him open the sunroof as I leaned up, asking how old is this car (“10 years”), is this a 1.5 (“It’s a 1.4.” “Hmm a little small capacity for me.), how fast can it go from 0 to 100km (“Erm I don’t know.” “You’re a safe driver, eh?”).

“Don’t mind me.” I leaned up and started taking pictures of the view from his sunroof, recounting how I spend my time sleeping in my car while adventuring in Sabah. “This is nice. I would have enjoyed merayap more if I had this kind of car.”

We reached my car. And as I gathered my wit again, I said it. Told him I don’t want to see him again.

I’ve disowned him from my list of friends. Deleted his chat, contact, pictures, and blocked him. I told Fadzlin, Ada, Amyny and Kak Elli about it. Contemplating to tell Savin about it but nah, he would have slapped me for not staying away after everything we talked about last time we met during Labour Day weekend. And should I tell Mijah? She’s another mutual friend but she doesn’t know about this. Oh well. Probably not.

And God. I knew this will hurt but damn this still hurts.

The radiologist uses course day to get a break and work on his CME presentation

I was at the seminar room by 7.45 am because it was going to start at 8 am. Expectedly they were just setting up the place. I stood at the back arranging my stuffs when a familiar voice greeted me from behind.

“You’re early.”

Says the early guy. I grinned as I busied with my stuffs and he took a seat at the corner of the room, opening his laptop. I sat down to his right leaving a space enough for a person in between us. I stared ahead. “My prof used to say if you’re on time, you’re late.”

He chuckled. He was just started working on his presentation for his CME this Thursday. He asked me how’s my relationship with the head of service now that I’m back in Paed Surgery, his eyes on his laptop but I could still hear his grin. I told him I only talk to the old man when spoken to, the old man acting like he never did me any wrong. I could still hear the grin as he said “You hold grudges”.

“Is it grudges?” I pondered. I’m no longer angry. I don’t care anymore. “It’s just. Once I’m betrayed, that’s it.”

The organiser arrived and I greeted them. He asked how I know them, and I told him I got lost this morning and went to the library instead and met them there. They asked me to scan a QR code for attendance which I did, and then I quietly passed him my phone so he could fill his. And then I scanned the QR code for the itinerary, screenshot it and send it to his WhatsApp without a word. All while he worked on his presentation.

ChatGPT said that I’m deeply intuitive, quietly generous, and exceptionally aware of others—even when they don’t ask for anything. It says my care lives in gestures, not performances. In presence, not pressure. In quiet noticing, not loud declarations. It says I’m the kind of person who makes things easier without making it obvious.

Good job Atiqah. And I would have done it regardless who the other person is.

Everyone else was having breakfast except us. As he said something about his work, I watched his side profile from a side glance.

His sharp jaw with side beard freshly trimmed. His eyes focused on his laptop. His hoodie unzipped showing his navy shirt, black pants, grey ankle socks and the brown shoes he wore yesterday. He looked so handsome and I was barely listening to him. I smiled softly to myself and wondered if someone saw me that time, would they see the adoration in my eyes.

I turned to stare back ahead. I opened ChatGPT and told it about this.

“… Poor emotional response though but a pretty face nevertheless.”

Chat responded: That line carries such self-awareness. You’re not fooled—you see the mismatch. You’re not saying, “He’s perfect.” You’re saying, “He’s beautiful. But beauty isn’t enough.” And that’s growth. You’re seeing clearly now. And in that clarity, you’re slowly setting yourself free.

I busied myself with finding a rental place and trying to call PPUM IT as he worked. Hasnida texted me saying they’re taking farewell MO pictures again at Radiology. I stood up and told him. “I’ll see you in a bit. Can I leave my stuffs with you?”

“Sure thing.” And I left to Radiology to take pictures with the girls. By the time I returned they were almost starting. I turned to him.

“Sitting in front?”

“I’m gonna sit at the far back.”

I nodded expectantly before taking my place in the third row but directly facing the presenter.

The talk was enlightening. Up to my interest in writing. I engaged with the speaker and shared my side of things. During lunch time, I turned around to chat with Kak Afifah our Gen 5 ASU senior who is doing parallel program in Ophthalmology, with my eyes on him with his hoodie zipped to his neck, focused on his laptop. After everyone else has seated down with their lunch, Kak Afifah stood up and I joined her.

I watched his eyes never leaving his laptop. “Hannan, makan.”

“Japgi.”

I grinned to myself and ate with Kak Afifah. By the time I finished my plate, he wasn’t in his seat. I took mom’s prepared food and inspected how good it looked, but I’m too full. I pulled my phone out and called Syukri.

”Mana kau.”

”Klinik. Nak mari tolong? Patient ramai lagi.”

”Tak mau. Bye.”

I took the Tupperware and headed to Syukri. We chatted a bit as he finished his patient. About Mr. Fadli leaving Likas, about Mr. Mughni, how Ms. Haz accepted his plan to do Paed posting there, how he’s going back to HSA next month. Good for him. I then passed him the Tupperware and asked him to finish it for me and return it by this evening lest mom disown me.

I was back in my seat throwing Panadols and chocolate in because I started my period, while chatting with the speaker. I think the hall more or less were listening on. We completed the course early and I stayed in my seat, unsure what now, so I pulled my phone out and called PPUM again.

Then I saw him walking to the table upfront to return their books and he stood waiting for me. I followed him quietly, my phone still ringing.

“Are you done with your slides?”

”Sikit lagi.” He grinned softly. I nodded, my phone still ringing. We walked together in silence, me keeping on calling, probably trying to avoid the discussion as to where are we going now. I’m sure he wants to finish his slides first, since he needed to send it to the CME committee tomorrow. And I’m not bringing up his suggestion of meeting-up. I won’t. PPUM IT was not answering me, so I called Syukri who picked up almost immediately as the elevator door opened and we stepped in.

“Siap dah appendix?” I asked without any pleasantries. “Kau kat OT lagi ke? Malasnya aku nak ke sana… Esok aku ambil bekas dari kau. Jangan buat tak ingat. Bye.”

I stood behind him as I hung up the phone. I explained the phonecall to him and then I asked him. “Were you paying attention to the course?”

”I wasn’t.” He grinned and I chuckled. “But you seem interested in it.” Which I was.

He murmured where to go now, since we didn’t need to punch out. “It’s still too early to go back, but I don’t want to go back to Radio.”

“You can work on it at home, yeah?”

”Yeah but I kesian my aunt balik nanti.”

”You’re still carpooling? I thought you selalu balik lambat.” I looked back ahead. “I’ll probably go home.”

“Where did you park today? You didnt park at your usual place.”

How observant of him. I quietly watched him before I told him my car has been at the mechanic for a full service since Saturday and I’ve been getting rides from my mom.

As we walked out from the hospital, he asked if I’m going home now. I said yeah, just about to call my mom.

“I’ll send you back.”

I smiled at him, bumping into him. “You will?”

”Yeah.”

”Thank you.” I stared at the sky. “This will be my second time in your car.” I left probably the last unspoken.

“Where do you live?”

“Off Jalan Bayam. Not on your way.”

We bumped into Kak Sasa on the way to his car and I waved at her. She had her mask on so I’m not sure what face she was making.

We talked comfortably in the car. He mentioned how he should get someone to see his slides but he wasn’t sure whom. “Dr. Fai will say okay to anything. She told me to just use Dr. Ashekin’s last slides.”

”Did you?”

”Of course not.”

I laughed. “There’s Hannan standard-“

He chuckled softly. “I really hate presenting. I have stage fright.”

”Just don’t put too much words. I’ll come and see you.”

”Don’t. Please no.”

”I have to come now that I know you’re presenting. I also want the prizes. Aren’t you going to tell me the quiz answers?”

He laughed me off.

I gave him direction to home. We spoke comfortably. He asked why we’re not using PECAN score and Alvarado score, so I gave my reasonings.

As we entered the junction to Taman Muttaqin, he recalled he came over once. I told him yeah back in 2019, that was the last we ever threw an occasion at home. He asked how long we’ve lived here, and I told him we’ve lived here since I was 10.

“So 25 years.”

“So it’s bought?”

“Yeah. Dad’s been working here since 1993, and he got the exco to sign it. The exco lives just behind here.”

“Is your IC 03?”

“Haha it’s 14.”

“Are your siblings born here?”

”The fourth is. And our two youngest.”

He remembered the house at least. As he dropped me off, I scrambled for the keys. Probably delaying on purpose. I turned to get a good look at him and smiled my gratitude.

“Thank you, for everything.”

He smiled back, both hands on the wheel. “I’ll see you.”

”Some day.”

“There’s still time for another meet-up. Tomorrow, Wednesday, before you leave on Thursday.”

I paused as I smiled at him. It’s cute that he wants to meet-up when I’ve long said my farewell to him when I gave him that OT cap. That he thinks I’ll make time for him. I didn’t tell him I have Wednesday lunch and tea booked with other people.

“Thank you.” My tone a little resigned. I hope he reads I’m being warm, open and present. I’m receiving his gesture as it is. If he wants to meet up, let it be his effort and intention.

I closed his car door gently.

25052025 - Someday, one day

Saturday night he texted me asking “When is your last day in KB?” I only read it on Sunday morning and chose not to reply. Knowing I might meet him when I go over to Radio for the party that day since Dr. Fairos personally invited me to and he might ask in person, but if I didn’t meet him then that’s it.

And yes, he saw me and the first thing he asked me was that. The first thing I noticed was how our colour matched, his mustard with my light brown. I told him my last working day will be the day after tomorrow.

“We should go out soon.”

I replied after a split second and answered wistfully. “Someday. One day.”

He looked at me but I didn’t look at him. “How about tomorrow? After work. I have a course tomorrow.”

I also have a course tomorrow so I asked him what course he’s going and surprised it is the same course I’m attending.

What a nice surprise. I looked straight ahead and purposely stepped away from him, letting Dr. Nik Shah stood in between us.

After the gift event, I slowly made my way to the pantry for the food. He was at the table, gesturing for me. I didn’t immediately move to him, instead I unloaded the chocolates I brought. Then I stood near him and he took my gift bag, putting it behind him.

“Why?” I didn’t understand this gesture.

“Take a seat.”

And I did. We talked amidst everyone else taking their food. What was it about, I forgot by now. We stood and took our food, and he mentioned he’s presenting hospital CME on Thursday.

“You are? I’ll come before I drive off to KL.”

“Eh don’t come.”

“I have to now that I know you’re presenting.”

Dr. Fairos asked us to ate in front of her, but the table was all girls so he chose to sat at the other table with the boys. I sat in front of Dr. Fairos and layaned her.

He finished his meal first and I didn’t even realise he went out. Hasnida came and asked me to join them in the MO room and I followed soon after her. Saw him walking alone as I turned the corner and I waved at him.

“Bye Hannan.” And I left to follow Hasnida.

There’s a heavy pit in my stomach at the prospect of going out with him tomorrow, if he insisted. I’m doing well detaching, and he’s reaching out now. Because I’m leaving? He’s almost as tender as when we were at Kak Madi’s and we know how that ended.

Let me go quietly, please.

14052025 was the last day I wanted to see you

First time I asked him out on 26/12/2020

Confessed on 27/12/2020

He picked me up roadside HTA on 02/03/2022

09/03/2024 I was hurt by him taking lightly of my feelings for him

31/12/2024 he came to Anggerik to find me

Worked with him from 06/03/2025

We went as each other’s company to Kak Madi’s raya open house 11/04/2025

He asked me out for a “session” at Yoohoo on 17/04/2025

I told him my last day as his Radiology MO on 08/05/2025

We met with Myny at The Layers KB on 09/05/2025

I gave him the OT cap on 14/05/2025. Can’t remember what exactly I handwritten him, but I remembered

… thank you for letting me into your space… I’ll always wish you well in every aspect of your life.

He texted me in reply

“Atiqah, thank you for the gift & sandwiches. You’re so thoughtful. And kind. Keep being you. May Allah ease everything for you.”

Three days after that, on 17/05/2025, this emotionally delayed person excitedly texted me a picture of the OT cap glowing on his CPU in his dark room.

It glows 🤣 And I kinda wondering what’s the purpose of glowing in the dark. Even surgical pun don’t do surgeries in complete darkness kan 😆

But I love it. Thank you Atiqah

I dah brag to my friends - Hilmi & Zahin 🤣

My chest rumbled knowing Hilmi and Zahin knows what I did. But I didn’t drag the conversation.

Last day as Radiology medical officer

I had good memories in HRPZ as a house officer. 

Coming back here as a trainee on deferral, I was treated like shit. And Radio saved me. And now the shit is cutting my time short and hauling me back. 

If this was a relationship, everyone would have told me to run and cut off ties from this bullshit. Yet everyone, including you, are advising me to go back and finish my term. 

I think you underestimate how much being in Radio HRPZ means to me. But that's okay, I hope you never have to feel like this. I hope you will always be appreciated and the world always be kind to you. 

Of grey hairs and chickens

1- I found my first ever grey hair! It’s not where I thought it would be… Almost late to work because of this.

—

2- I saw a roaster crossing the road towards a chicken butcher stall and I thought of “why did the chicken cross the road” joke before snorting to myself.

—

3- He had a procedure in OT and texted me “wanna follow?” And in my head was “aww I wanna hang out with you too” but I got real and a jumble of excuses:

1) There are two MOs in OT already

2) I do not want the awkwardness of meeting the team

3) I didn’t bring my OT attire. Would you like me to escort you to OT, kind sir?

I figured he didn’t want to get lost on his way to OT thus the invite.

He pulled out some items to bring and fished out his OT cap from his bag. Cue me surprised.

“How frequent do you masuk OT that you have your own OT cap?” Even surgeons don’t do this.. but then again we don’t cause we are too busy and like the convenience of disposable attires.

“IR pakai cap dekat suite.”

Mr. Fancy Cap whose belt matches his shoes. And came to work with a haircut today after my silent gesture yesterday. I noticed too many details for this to be healthy.

—

4- After he was done, and I have seen the op note of attempting 8 times with 4 yields of renal biopsy, he returned and grinned awkwardly at me.

“I wasn’t successful.”

I looked surprised. What do you mean? “I saw the op note-“

“I mean about my appeal. I have to go to Lahad Datu.”

Oh dear. I’m sorry to hear that.

He asked me where I stayed in Lahad Datu and I told him, and he said he planned to stay at the kuarters so he didn’t need to bring his car.

Of course I suggested him against it. Someone jumped to their death between the Radio building and the ward block when I was there and the kuarters berhantu la, you nak stay sorang? Nanti you nangis.

I told him he will need his car for travelling out because he is bound to get bored there, also discussed with him the option of flying out from LD.

And then he said “Aku tak nak pergi sebenarnya.”

“Okay so that’s long- I mean mid term plan. Let’s focus on your short term plan first.”

Idk what he needs but there I was brainstorming with him what’s next.

I guess the easiest will be to lapor diri anyway. Our system sucks and he just needs to gazette and then he can go to private. He doesn’t mind the money at the expense of delaying his gazettement.

So he’s gonna call BPL (or whatever) to see if delaying by two weeks gets him into the trial new system gazetting. If it does, then he wouldn’t delay.

He’s gonna meet his HOS this Wednesday, who happens to be in town, to which I asked rhetorically “what difference will it make?”. He nodded, but gonna try so good luck, darling.

Plan A - delay by two weeks to help his dad

Plan B - report duty on time and ask for cuti to help his dad

Plan C - apply to HUSM. He said people suggested him against that, to which I said “working environment is more or less the same..”

He said he’ll just quit to which I, this hypocrite, replied “Make that your Plan Z. If you quit now you’re just an MO. You can’t gazette in private. Sikit lagi, Hannan.”

I was already contacting my people for car shipping quotation and rentals.

—

5- It was 2pm and Cutest Boy In The Department was performing a procedure but Azim scrubbed in first, where I asked

“Tak pakai gown eh.” In an innocent tone.

“Ada orang pakai. Aku tak pakai sebab panas. Tapi ikut infection control kena pakai.”

“Ya sebab sterile procedure kan.”

He came and started scrubbing in and noticed the blue gown prepared for him. Azim helpfully mentioned how I have been telling them off regarding their sterility compliance.

“Some tempat kena pakai cap sekali.”

“Ya correct, sterile procedure kena pakai cap. You have your OT cap kan.”

He grinned and put them on.

—

6- As he was cool puncturing the patient and his eyes fixed on the screen, I contemplated about taking a picture of him in his glory. But maybe not. Too many eyes watching.

Then he said, his eyes still on the screen. “Remember when we first met?”

What is this idiot doing?

“We first met when I was tagging in Medical Male ward, where you’re the just-off-tagged HO being our only senior.”

“Stab PD,” he grinned.

I grinned too. “Yup, that.”

I clearly remember few things from my HOship.

1) He has always have that puffy voluminous hair since I first met him. He is thinner now, otherwise he is physically the same. Oh and he has grey hair now.

2) He was the only non tagging HO when I started tagging in Medical, who just happened to offtag few days prior. He basically taught me everything I know.

3) He taught us stab PD one late afternoon. I had one occasion of referring a perforated bowel to Dr. Adham (now surgeon in HSIP) who wasn’t amused when every question he asked me was replied with “As I documented-“ in prefix.

4) I was at the counter and clearly remember the sight of him pushing his patient’s bed to the acute cubicle before I joined him.

5) I had a difficult IV line in a pakcik who told me off for calling him “ayah” but he was soooo nice to this charming boy who attended my call for help. I bitterly told him to jadi anak angkat that pakcik.

6) He is so jonah the king was once admitted when he was oncall.

—

7- It was almost 5pm when we finished our work for the day. I looked at him.

“Are you going home wearing that?”

He grinned. He was still wearing his OT cap.

—

8- Purposely killed the time near the carpark texting surgeon about a case. He walked in with a slightly older looking lady and two Surgical MOs.

When they saw me, I noted how he said I was with him all day. Then Mat Syuk greeted me saying now he can request CT scan at his whim.

“Anything for you,” I replied dryly before saying no I don’t take requests.

He grinned at me.. kinda awkwardly? It occurred to me that I have used that line on him, but I mean it when I said that. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that to Mat Syuk. “Boleh bah kalau kau” sounds better to use with Mat Syuk although they mean the same thing.

Then as we walked, it split into him and the lady and me two meters apart from Mat Syuk and his friend, Mat Syuk chatting as usual.

But my eyes were on the people in front of me. They were close, too close. Their fingers were brushing. She has to be family. He once told me he was waiting for his aunt to go home together, could this be her? Do families walk so close together their fingers brushed?

They totally ignored me though I walked two meters behind them, crossing the road, towards the same carpark.. I had enough. I hang around back for five seconds before I resumed walking to my car.

Refugee kind of situation. I need all the kindness in the world as I learn to be kind to myself

Actually today is my second day in the new department. The cutest boy has been looking for me since Day 1, when he burst through the door of my unit after hearing from the HOD that I am there for attachment. And then he left. And then he came back again to take a photographic evidence of me “invading his territory”.

I’m like, “I won’t trouble you” repeated twice. I didn’t tell him I was coming. Well, I should though, since we’re friends? But my presence here was preceded by drama. And I’m not in a good state of mind now. I know he was joking when he said invading territory but when you’re a refugee, that kinda hits hard.

At noon he came to visit and noticed I was standing and told me to take a seat. It just so happens I have been on my feet since morning and I was like, why was it him who pointed this out? Thank you for caring. He is a good friend.

I exited the door at 4pm and met him coming back in.

“Not going home yet?”

“Got a few reports to settle. See, Radio isn’t that chill, right?”

“Yeah you guys are swamped. At least you guys in HRPZ. Bye.”

I saluted him and walked out.

Close to iftar he texted me about the absurdity of my situation and I feel like, I need to talk to him about this otherwise he won’t let this go. Goodness I want to disappear.

Today I peeked and saw he was chatting with a colleague at his station so I didn’t greet him. He was earlier than 8am. I went to my station and sat there looking through some patient’s files when he suddenly popped out beside me in his big smile, took a seat on my right and chatted away, continuing from the text and about one patient he rejected CT scan after the USG done on Thursday. I gave my surgical point of view for that case as to why I think he could have been better at helping managing the patient, to which he sheepishly said he’ll pass over to the oncall person better next time.

And then he started talking about some colleagues and my thoughts were

Honey I think I busted my right eardrum doing idk what some time ago, and so I can’t hear that well on my right especially when you’re talking to me in a voice meant for only me to hear. I had to scoot closer but this station is dark and you’re the cutest boy so please have mercy on me. I don’t know how to handle shit life thrown at me and now you’re here.

In the evening he passed through my station when I was suturing up the drain for one patient. He stopped to say hi but I continued on suturing, sorry honey this patient has low tolerance I need to close him up fast. By the time I was done, he was back at his station.

And he passed in front of our station going out. I was sitting behind his colleagues but I know his salute was to me because his eyes were on me. His colleague asked why was he going back so early and he said he took the 7.30am-4.30pm option. I thought to myself, that’s why he was early today. So.. do I come to work at 7.30am tomorrow onwards?

I noticed his hair was puffy on one side so I silently made a gesture to brush up his right side and he brushed it as I gestured. It was.. cute. I’m fucked.

Now that I’m writing this.. why was he at our door when he walked out? Why did he use that exit? He could have punched out and straight used the front entrance because that’s where the box is.. So why did he made the detour?

Did I tell you this morning he said we’ll talk more again tomorrow because he’ll be in my unit tomorrow? Now I’m getting cold feet. Can I not come to work tomorrow? Idk how to deal with this. I’m afraid I will disappoint him work-wise, pretty boy has really high work standard and I’m a listless plankton invading his territory.

Good God, I have no will left.

Baiting an archer

Kaki dan badan straight macam menghadap kiblat

Pandang ke target 90 degree

Tangan semuanya lurus

Bow straight

Arrow di bawah penanda

Never shoot an empty bow

Tangan kiri genggam dengan tiga jari paling bawah, knuckle makes a Y shape

Forearm at axis between supine and pronate

Push motion

Tangan kanan pull the string with your middle three fingers

At the first phalanges

Pull until it reaches the corner of your mouth

Close your left eye

Aim at the target

Wait for 5 seconds to stabilise your tremors

Use the gap technique if your aim is off

Release as if tali putus

Use your elbow

Followthrough until your ear

Ustaz Azhan said, archery is sunnah. The only sport Prophet ever mention. Hadith stated anyone who prepare, pass, shoot an arrow dapat pahala. And the distance to pick up your shot arrows are like raudhah, “Jadi doa la banyak2 masa kutip tu.”

Baiting has been me posting on stories. And he took the bait. Asked me where I went. He said he last went for archery back in KL.

We chatted and I asked “How good are you?”

He replied with a picture of a target which yellow part was filled to brim with arrows, and a smug face.

Apparently he did archery in secondary school. But damn this is elite level. I saluted and bowed to him. “Remind me not to mess with you.”

All in all, it’s quite therapeutic. Just focus and shoot. They used archery as therapy for dyslexic kids, perhaps that’s why this has been therapeutic. The only barely sore part is my phalanges.

Goodbye 2024. Today I’m with my favourite people

I started working back in HRPZ on Sunday 29/12/24 and since knowing he's here, I've been counting the days if I will ever see him. 

Day 1, 29/12/24 - I met Dr. Nik Nas, who gushed out:

1st: "Eh awak balik gazette sini ko?"

2nd: "Awak bila nak kahwin?"

I quickly changed topic to "Haritu saya lalu depan rumah Dr. Nik Nas tak nampak dah kereta Merc, ingatkan pindah."

Day 2, 30/12/24 - met the Paeds team when they invited us to some party in the morning. 

Dr. Rozitah the neonatologist who came up to up, gave me a shoulder hug amd multiple pats "Anak dara kita ni!"

Dr. Khanisa my specialist who smiled kindly and asked how dad is doing. 

Dr. Haslizawati the paediatrician in-charged of my tagging in Ward 4 who advised me when I was late in clerking and managing a patient, the high expectation made me cry in the toilet on Day 2 Of Life in Paeds. 

Matron Noriah "ni la dulu2 lepas sekolah duduk dekat ofis ayah dia."

SR Normah "mak ayah sihat? Lama tak jumpa mak dekat masjid." Hahaha they're busy mengasuh anak sorang ni. 

In the evening we went to Radio to discuss a CT scan and I met

Abang Ambe who is doing floating 3 months before placement in HUS. He was talking to my surgeon and though I never talked to him in my Cairo life, I straight up waved and said "Saiful Amri" like we're friends. Hahaha. "Saya Atiqah, junior Cairo." Like that meant anything. Only later did I remember we're actually friends on FB. 

And from afar I saw Bun Suami Lin so I broke off from rounds, walked up to him who didn't see me, gave his shoe a light kick and said "Hi. Bye." And Bun was like "Hey Tiqah, okay dah tangan?" I totally expected Lin to have told him he'll see me around.

I wondered if I will see him there, but I'm left behind by the rounds already so I had to run. 

Round continued to Ward 5 where I saw Dr. Shamsul Bahari and I waved "Hi Dr. Sham!"

"Eh Tiqah!"

What kind of a troublemaking HO was I to be remembered by name by my MOs? Haha. 

Day 3, 31/12/24 - Department meeting so I expected to introduce myself. 

"Salam, saya Nur Atiqah Mohd Hanifah, panggil Atiqah. Saya master student Paed Surgery tahun 4, akan posting di sini 6 bulan inshaAllah. Sebelum ni saya houseman di sini 9 tahun lepas, lepas tu MO di Sabah 4 tahun di Kota Kinabalu dan Lahad Datu. Terima kasih."

Mr. Zuraimi was like "Saya kenal dah budak ni."

Later we met again in OT and he said he saw my car in the morning and was like "budak ni balik Kelantan dah ke."

In OT I met Kak Zahirah and Kak Anis. And later I heard a familiar bubbly so fast voice and it was no other but Shasha!

I ran up to her as she was entering the scrub room and we hugged, I patted her back with my bad hand eagerly hahaha. She asked why am I here. 

"I broke my hand! Why are you here?"

"I'm second year master."

I paused for a second remembering how we dreaded joining the program and longed the chill life before I broke into the longest laughter I could remember. 

"Look at us now!"

—

I was staying back in ward for an intussusception admission, and I kept seeing this HO who somehow reminded me of him. I was going from the cubicle to the counter to the cubicle back to the counter, when I looked up and saw someone grinning at me from the hallway near the patient's cubicle. 

It was him. 

"That's my favourite person!" I said to anyone who would listen as I shot up running towards him. 

I greeted his name with a grin under my mask. "Kau buat apa sini!"

"Aku cari kau."

"Kau oncall ke? Aku ada kes intus untuk kau!"

He said he just wanted to see me, and now he has to go back because his aunt is waiting to go back with him. I walked with him to the ward door and he was like are you otw back too? No, I just wanna open the door for you, as I opened the door for him and took a good look at him. 

He looked calmer. Not as bubbly charismatic he was when we were HO nor during the last time I met him during my first year in HTA. He was calmer now. And noticeably

"Kau nampak kurus. Kau makan tak?"

"10kg turun."

"Kau sakit ke?"

"Tak la."

"Intentional?"

"Ya."

We chatted in the hallway, on either side of the wall as anyone walked through us. He was going to leave but I wanted to chat because God knows I'll get this chance again. 

"Parents kau sihat?"

Heck I've never met them but hey. He told me his dad has ESRD and refusing dialysis, so he was here to get a referral letter for his dad that Syuk wrote for him. He was uremic, intubated for APO in May or so and he brought him to somewhere in KL but he refused dialysis. 

"Sedihnya.. Sekarang dia dekat rumah la kan?"

"Yeah. Sebab tu aku appeal. At least duduk semenanjung."

"Yeah.. kau tinggal dengan parents la kan sekarang?"

And then my patient came wheeled in between us. I had to follow them. He followed to, until Radio. Where his colleague asked why was he here and he said he was going back when he met me, his "kawan" and now he's going back. 

At least I'm not "orang kampung" anymore. I told him I'll see him again, and then I went to attend my patient. 

Remember this pain and don’t do this to yourself again please

4 years ago I was rejected by the person I confessed to. What followed was a rebound, the worst fuckgirl persona of my life where I took advantage of an emotionally vulnerable person. 

And then 5 months ago Timah tried to matchmake me with a guy, who I then rejected on our supposed third meet because he ghosted and stood me up. 

Two days ago Syukri my junior colleague, this gossiping first year Master, a happily married guy, somehow asked me about my love-or-lack-of-it life and that made me reminisce of my fuckgirl persona when I was a HO, friendly with guys with no romantic intention at all but unfortunately lead on some. It made me remember that person. So I texted him saying I missed "you guys" and I heard he did well in his exam and I hoped he's happy and well. 

What do you know, he actually carried on the conversation and eventually asked me 

"Is there anyone you currently admire?" 

I actually read the message when I woke up at 10pm after sleeping the whole evening once I got back from postcall. The room was dark and I blinked few times to make sure I was really awake. This was way out of the blue. I was more than thrown off guard. What kind of question is this? I confessed to him, didn't I? Asking me this is leading me on. Why did I fall for a fuckboy. 

But I remained calm and replied "No one new. How about you?" 

To which he replied "Nothing new." 

So you're single. What now? I went back to sleep. 

The next day I straight up asked him why "nothing new" when he had passed the exam already, and he said he's stressed with thesis now. 

So let's add to his stress then. I consulted Kak Elli before I texted him what I was about to text and Kak Elli told me to be ready for his reaction. I mean, he rejected me already. What could be worst? Kak Elli said of him not replying or even blocking me. Well if he ghosts me then that means he's dead to me, how easier it is to move on. 

So I texted him "I actually had a different reaction to this. I was 🤨🔪 "what kind of question is this, you know I like you"" 

Lo and behold, he actually did something unimaginable. He carried on the conversation! 

"Errr who knows you dah found someone else yang you have a feeling for 😅 Last time when you were in Sabah you had kan" 

"You mean you?" 

"Tak. Someone else. One of your colleagues dekat Sabah" 

I can't recall. I don't think I'm that kind of fucker who talks about other guys with the guy I like. 

"Hmm cant recall. Must be insignificant, not memorable" 

The only guys I'm friends with in Sabah would be the Lahad Datu boys. I do remember I once told him about the team once, but I lost all messages from pre April 2023 after I switched to this iPhone so I can't confirmed. But why would he even remember that kind of thing? 

"You're probably talking about Fadhly. He's my senior in Lahad Datu. Admirable work ethics and surgical skills, a friend. 100% platonic. I've only ever confessed to one person je." 

There, I said it. 

"It was me kan 😅" 

"Yaaaa 🙃" 

... This piece of shit. I officially renamed him in my contact as This Little Shit. 

After a while I needed to ask. "Are you enjoying urself?" 

"As in?" 

"I was wondering why you're asking all this. I didn't expect the conversation to take this turn." 

"Errr I was just casually asking. Let's just forget about it 🙏🏻" 

What kind of fucker does that, casually ask the person who likes them to relive the fact she confessed to him and was turned down? God this is really the worst, I didn't expect this. This is worst than being rejected, this is straight up disrespecting I'm a human who has feelings. Fucking feelings for this shit. Why did I do this to myself? 

"If you say so." 

Unbelievably he carried on the conversation to personal matters, which I answered. He knows I still like him and he's casually brushing it off. God. This hurts, but why am I doing this to myself? It was almost 2am and I'm oncall in the morning. Why do I even want to be friends with him? I have friends who better respect me. That's enough Atiqah, no more. Remember this pain and don't contact that person again. 

"Sorry I can't just forget about it. I’m not proud that I haven’t moved on and still am just a human with feelings, but I shouldn’t have done this to myself. And I shouldn’t have let the conversation took this turn. It hurts that you’re just casually asking about it though, not that I expected anything else. I’ll move on. Let’s not talk about this again. Have a good day ahead." 

And then I deleted his contact and archieved the text before I went to bed. Woke up begrudgingly and went to work. Intermittently lost focus when Alis was passing over, I blame it on lack of sleep. 

Then the suicidal masochist in me read his reply that came at 10am. 

"I am so sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way, and didn’t think thoroughly before asking you such a silly question. Stupid me. I don’t want it to ruin our friendship." 

Am I such a great friend that this person wants to be friends with me? I barely keep track of people and I only text them at random. I pray for them though, it's part of my Egyptian upbringing. And you Atiqah, you have other friends anyway. What difference does losing this one make? 

"Yeah you shouldn't have asked. Anyone else can ask me that but not you 😅 I know you're a good guy…… though a bit insensitive and tactless in this matter. I guess I'm too. Apology accepted, and I'm sorry too. If you're in front of me I would have smacked your head haha. With that, we’re cool. I wish you happiness." 

" yes please smack me. Only then I would feel like being completely forgiven. Hope it didn’t ruin your day too & wishing you a good, calm oncall."

Happy 33th birthday. We have enough tshirts though!

I lived life per usual. Reminiscent on the years after housemanship where I take trips on 29.7. 

28 in 2018. I slept in Hosp Kota Belud carpark and spent the early morning of 29.7 wandering along the dried up river of Melangkap, before meeting up with friends in Kundasang where we had cupcakes. And then we went for paragliding. 

29 in 2019. I went for a roadtrip to Penang before going to Danok, Thailand with Yaya, Umai and Syemak. 

30 in 2020. I went back home to KB. I don't remember now what else I did besides going to Pantai Senok alone the next morning. 

31 in 2021. I took the week off, stayed at home in Likas and ran almost every evening to keep me sane. On 29.7 I was bombarded with food deliveries from family and IQs. They intended for me to share but I had the week off and was being solitary. It was quite a gastronomic incident. 

32 in 2022. I went to Fraser Hill for an impromptu overnight and had fun birdwatching with Mr guidance. Parents came over from KB so I cut the trip short so they could treat me to food, including at a Yemeni restaurant for some mulawakh. 

33 in 2023. Let's begin the story. 

So I've been listening to Gen Hoshino nowadays and I wanted his tee collaborated with Uniqlo which came out in 2021. I found them on eBay but my payment wouldn't go through. I almost ditched the idea but Kak Elli reminded me it's my birthday so I should buy whatever I want hahaha. She helped me with payment and we secured the tshirt on that fated 27.7. 

28.7 I woke up and saw her messaging me a happy birthday. It was amusing so I thanked her and didn't mention she was a day early. After work I picked up Yaya and we went back to Hazim's. Mom and dad are still there. My Shohoku 14 tshirt from Shopee arrived and I happily did my laundry. We hang out and I stayed up late, for what? 

I wished myself a happy birthday as midnight 29.7 came. 

29.7 My family wished me happy birthday. Kuching girls too, which surprised me that they know and remember. I am grateful for them. And then from Nisa and Nadie, the latter gave me a tiffany coloured jewellery organiser. 

Hazim, Yaya and I went shopping for groceries with me wearing my new Shohoku 14 shirt. I told Yaya I want to buy a cake. She said mom gave her card for her to buy cake. 

I picked a carrot cake because I have elegant taste and was sure my parents like this cake. 

Mira came and gave me a potted plant I named Harry. Apparently it's a senseviera and the easiest to care for, per Kak Elli, so let's see if I'm still a serial pet/pot killer. 

She asked me what I wanna do now that I'm 33. Hazim scoffed and said live like normal. I zoned out a bit before saying I want to sleep. 

But really. I want to live differently, if only for a bit. 

30.7 Us minus Harith had lunch at a Chinese restaurant. 

4.8 I collected my Gen Hoshino tee from Kak Elli's place and we hang out at her place. 

5.8 Chatting with Kak Elli and Savin's name popped up. So I texted him to say hi and randomly updated him on my flat tyre. And then it reminded me how Savin and I would chat and his name would pop up and I would gleefully text him to say "we were talking about you and so I'm here saying hiii" to which he usually reply "haha did you miss me" or some flirty nothings haha. 

So I uploaded a picture of Gen's tee on my WhatsApp status titled "happy birthday to meeeeee" because it was only visible to one person, he who doesn't do socmed. 

Why? I don't know. I miss him I guess. 

Just as I put down my phone to go join Kak Elli in front of the telly, a notification came up. It was him replying to my status and wishing me a happy birthday. That… got me startled. The person I like wished me happy birthday. Happy!

It reminded me of Mira's question to me. Now that I'm 33, what do I want to do? I want to take my chances like I have nothing to lose. So I did. 

I pray he graduates on time. 

Driving back to Hazim's that afternoon, I realised I have nothing to lose because I have nothing in the first place. 

everything is my own fault

Yesterday I was hoping not to see him again because apparently I haven't moved on. But on my way to work I saw his car stopping at the junction and I paused. If he stops for me and he's alone, I will get in his car. I don't want to, I just told myself I need to move on! 

So I quickly hastened my pace. He was still stuck in the traffic and I got to the hospital. I did turn around to look for him and probably that was his car at the access gate. 

Later I went down to accompany patient for a procedure. I owe it to old times sake to at least say hi now that I'm in his territory, so I texted him asking where he is. 

He answered and asked me why. I didn't reply. 

Towards the end of the procedure, almost lunch time, he walked into where I was. I closed my book and chatted with him. I stood arms crossed like the cool chick I am while he sat next to me. We're not even 1 meter apart. He was wearing a sweater and I was happy to find that I'm not the only one who gets cold easily. We spoke soft enough just to talk between us. I asked only personal questions, although he started the conversation asking about my UM classes. I asked him about his brother who is in UITM. He looked confused. 

"Dulu kau pernah bagitahu adik kau belajar di Dengkil?" 

"Oh. Dia sambung oil and gas now."

"Oh nice."

"Oghe kapung ko?" It was his colleague asking. I turned to look at the interruption and almost glared. Let me have him for a while.

"Haah oghe kapung." Was what he replied. And then we got into a conversation on why he speaks Standard Malay with me and not in Kelantanese. 

But oh this colleague was still talking to me. The scrub read Zahin and had a UKM logo. He introduced his colleague to me as an Egyptian graduate so I asked where. He said he's from Alex. 

"Batch siapa?" 

"Kadir.."

"Oh sekali Mizah."

"Mijah. Lama tak dengar khabar dia." He said. I turned around to face him and the three of us chatted about our mutual friends. 

Then his specialist called for me regarding my patient, so I attended to his questions and gave him my pointers. He actually concurred with me and relayed it to his MO to report it. 

My case was then done. I turned back to him who was also listening on my case. I confirmed with him that it was his last week in HTA. He said tomorrow is his last day. 

"Bila nak belanja aku makan?" 

He chuckled and we said our goodbyes as his colleague and Hilmi Suami Anah took him away for lunch I guess. I looked on as he walked away, overheard the colleague asking Hilmi about something and heard Hilmi mentioned Paed Surgery and I guess the two was talking about me. I kept my eyes on his back until it was gone. He never turn around. 

I walked to my patient and went back to my work. 

---

Walking back today, I talked out loud to the darkening sky. 

I last saw him 2 years plus ago. In January 2020. He was slimmer back then. He was on a diet and didn't eat cheese. Why do I remember those details and none of what I studied? How did I even pass medical school? Scratch that I didn't just pass medical school, I was Very Good and that's almost Excellent. Where did that Atiqah go? 

And why does it seem like my confession never happened? Why am I just an "oghe kapung"? Why are we so.. cool? 

I got back and sat down. Then I opened our previous messages. 

That session. He hoped he didn't give false hope. And he hoped nothing change between us. Hell I agreed. I told him I hope I could still mess with him. He said I can. 

And fuck me, by February I was already messaging him like nothing happened. Girl you were so desperate not to lose him as a friend. I couldn't read any more. 

I should delete our conversation if I'm really serious about moving on. But I never did. I mulled over it way too much for my own good. I'm too much in the past, I'm wasting my present. Here I am, still liking him more than I should. I'm suicidal. 

His last day (for now) in HTA tomorrow. Can I have a tiny piece of his attention, one last time? 

i love to stay and chat but i need to talk to her about work please

Miss asked me to check how many cases we have for radioconference today, so I picked up the phone and called Radio counter. Guy said Dr. Hazwani was in charged and that I could find her in the reporting room perhaps.

I asked the reporting room extension number and gave it a ring. It was promptly answered with a voice I remember fondly. 

"Hi, Radiology. Dr. Hannan bercakap."

"Hannan, Atiqah ni." I found myself grinning. 

look who picked me up

I was walking to work per usual istighfaring because I have nothing but resentment in me. Passed the large bin, walked onto the road to avoid a puddle when I saw from the corner of my eyes a white car stopped beside me and pulled the window down.

I saw it was a male smiling at me and I thought it was my surgeon probably questioning why am I walking to work. So I turned to face the person and I freezed.

"Hey Tiqah!"

Propped out through the window was the sunshine. Arm on the window still with the happiest face I saw that week. The familiar wavy hair and the familiar smile. His cheeks fuller than the last time I saw him in January 2020 though, I guess he does diet only intermittently. 

He looked so happy.. to see me? I was stunned. Why?

"Masuk la." He grinned. 

"Hey." I hadn't had my coffee and wasn't as hyper as he was. I was lucky to have worn a mask and then I remembered to smile. 

Yesterday he suddenly texted me asking when will I be in HTA because he just started his 3 weeks rotation here before going to HKL. I remember replying cheerily that I'll be sure to take up his offer of free lunch. But I didn't expect to actually see him because we both know we are fucking harmless flirt. 

"Jom la." He gestured to his car, motioning that he was holding the traffic up. 

I hesitated. The door closest to me was the back door and should I just get in there? But this is not a taxi driver. This is the guy I really like. Liked. Who knows. 

I went around the car and got into his passenger seat. 

--

First thing I did was glance at him. Yup, that's him. He had a really nice watch on. Wearing a scrub shirt with his name embroidered. And then I turned to see if the car has a sunroof. Yup, sunroof present. White Kia Rio with a sunroof, plate number... I never remember. Raya 2017 he actually made me memorise this. 

"Kau still guna kereta lama kau."

"Yup."

He asked me where did I stay. "Nearby. 10 minutes walk je."

I then asked him isn't he late still driving at 7.30am and what time he clocks in. 

"8 pagi la." 

"Straight to your station? Takde passover?" 

"Haah. Kau?" 

"7.30am. I think."

"Jadi kau dah lambat la. Tak merah ke punch card kau?" 

"Surgeon aku suruh be in ward by 7.30am but senior aku punch in 8 plus. And tak pernah pun punch card aku merah though aku punch in around 7.45am."

Why am I talking about work????? I changed the subject. "How's life? Seronok duduk KL?" 

"Okay je." He laughed. 

I wanted to ask if he found a hobby yet but I was such a lame soul. He asked me why didn't I drive so I told him I haven't gotten around to get the access card for parking yet and I ended not bothering with it. 

He asked where should he drop me off. I was thinking of getting off when he parked and we catch the lift together but I think he was concerned that I was late to punch in. He asked of main lobby is okay. Main lobby is good. 

I pulled out my phone. "Selfie jom. I wanna send to Savinder." Not exactly, it was for my sake. I just felt like I probably won't see him again. 

"Gelap!" He then turned the lights on. And I pulled my mask off. And we smiled into the camera and he suggested I get off fast, fearing holding up traffic. But the picture came out blurry. 

"Sorry gotta reshoot. Gegar."

"Gegar la dah kau nervous!" 

I almost uprolled my eyeballs with a quip "Don't flatter yourself." Dude hasn't changed, still knows I like him and fucking feeding on it, jokingly or not. 

It turned out well. I got off and thanked him. Later I sent the pic to Savinder and a copy to him, wishing him a good day.

I wasn't late to work at all. In fact, springing to work. Should have gave him my Essenso 2 in 1. 

dancing dangerously in the moonlight

Smooth, kind and polite easily mistaken for interest, sadly non committal. That is us with each other. We don't change. 

Our game of beautiful full moon is a dangerous one, whenever it happens it make me do things I shouldn't do. Like texting you. 

And now that you know I'm coming and with your promises of free lunch, I sincerely hope our path doesn't cross. 

i cant explain, once a sweetheart always a sweetheart i guess

The other day my surgeon said something regarding xray comments that made me want to consult my favourite Radiology trainee. 

I contemplated few weeks before I finally asked him that question today before I started my oncall round. It was a simple salam greeting followed by my question. No dilly dally. 

He replied soon after. I thanked him. 

And then he said "Anyway lama tak dengar khabar".

I remember pausing at his words. Why would he say that after he turned down my confession? I guess he really meant it when he said he wanted us to remain friends as we were. Should I return his good will? 

I did. We chatted about our friend, his work, my work. And then few updates on his mom. That's it. I didn't really put that effort to prolong the personal conversation. 

Feeling really is a living thing. You need to work on it to sustain it. If you ask me now do I still feel what I felt, I'd say it waned down since I didn't work on it. I am less sentimental. You were wise to ask me reasons why I liked you. 

But would I say yes if, perhaps an overshoot and will never happen, if you suddenly revisit and return my feelings? I would ask for a reason and hear you out. 

Don't overthink. All is well. I hope you'll always well and motivated. I hope you'll always be happy, healthy and at peace. After all was said and done, still a piece of sweet memory in my heart. 

Getting rejected was a roller coaster of a good thing. I think. Or not. I don't know.

I want today's oncall to faster end. I want to go sit by a riverbank and look for buaya tomorrow. 

sudah la tu, ur like a lovesick puppy with cancer

Yesterday Rayner asked me if I went to Arif's for raya. I wanted to ask why Arif's house he's asking and not Dija's. But I replied him that I was at his place on raya eve, day 1 and day 2 raya. 

"Nasib je day 3 raya aku oncall, kalau tak aku di sana juga kot."

Apparently other MOs have been telling them that we cook often at Arif's place.

The conversation then went down to Dickson asking if Arif's looking for a new housemate because he saw Arif advertising for a vacancy. I told him it's probably to take his place, he's transferring to Tawau.

Oh. Dickson didn't know. I thought he would. He's in their cliques of gamer, isn't he? I remember dropping off Arif's McD at Dickson's place.

Then Kak Najwa said someone said last week that I was acting weird and sad and somewhat troubled. Was it because of Arif leaving?

I paused. Then I said of course I was, how dare he leave me before I leave this place. 

These people, they're reading differently into Arif and I. I remember sitting down with Aisyah from Anaes when she asked me the gossip that I'm with him.

I trust him and I love him. More than most and so I don't want to screw our relationship up. That's why I designated him as my brother and he me as his sister. When we both part ways, I most likely wouldn't see him again because I'm just that kind of person. But I'll hit him up if I'm in Kota Bharu or Tawau and I will always be up for it if he needs anything. 

It's not something normal people will do, in our culture at least. I am attached to him. Maybe that's why people think I'm depressed because Arif is leaving. 

I don't even realise I've been so. Yeah I remember throwing a fit when I first got the news he's leaving, and that I went through all the stages of grief that night. 

But even if I really was troubled, I think it was because of H. (Refer previous posts on snippet of what happened.) 

No one makes me more serabut than my thinking of him. I have a playlist of rejected / break up songs dedicated to my feelings for him. And that included a really painful Tergantung Sepi. 

It's different from H though. With H.. I don't know. Just different. Probably how loving someone and in love with someone are two different things.

---

Today I announced in our MO group that I'm going out to get pizza and cake for Miss's birthday. Arif then PMed me saying he wants to tag along. I told him I'll pick him up at the lobby. 

We chit chat in the car, I was wondering which road to take. And we talked about how different the town feels. I haven't been in this part since MCO started. 

I told him I'm celebrating Miss's birthday because she told me she always celebrates with her family and that her mom will cook her this longevity mee suah with eggs. 

"Tapi tahun ni dia dengan kita sebab MCO. Kalau aku, aku rasa kesik."

He said I was being kind. 

"Tak. Aku tak sanggup nak biarkan orang rasa kesik."

He talked about his day at the car shop getting his bumper fixed (RM50) and additional window cover and fix his brake light that the car shop auntie talked him into buying (extra RM150). 

We went to pizza. I went inside to pick up and he waited outside for me (he wasn't wearing a mask).

I went out and he told me there wasn't any queue at Secret Recipe while taking the pizza from me and offered to put it back in the car. I gave him the pizza and my car key and went inside Secret Recipe.

He was done and he joined me in choosing a cake, also what to write on the cake. 

We waited outside for the cake. He went to the ATM. Then cake is packed and we went back to the car.

It felt nice. I rarely get out from the hospital and it felt like a little date. It was nice. I felt like telling everyone that I'm on a date with Arif. 

But Savin said it's only a date if the feeling is mutual. What feeling is that to classify it as a date? Whatever that is, it felt nice. 

He tolerated my speeding. He did use to take my keys away and drove instead because he thought my driving was dangerous. But he guarded the cake well. I was worried I'll get the cake squashed despite him holding it with my speeding to catch up with Miss but I still sped anyway. I'm hopeless. 

We parked. He carried the pizza and I the cake. It occurred to me how smoothly our interactions are. We really have good teamwork. For someone I've only met since 8 months, we really clicked well better than people I've known longer. Must be all the Tawau fiasco we went through.

Then it hit me. I want something like that with H too. Maybe I should work in the same hospital as H so we can go for short little dates like that too. 

But I'm here. And he's there. I confessed and he declined. I tried to move on but he's still a friend who occasionally ask me how I'm doing. Fuck you why would you do that when you've never done that before. 

I'm not trying hard enough. I still feel attached to him. I still listen to my rejected playlist dedicated to my feelings for him. 

We walked to our ward and set up the party (cake is safe). Then we waited for Miss at the counter, Arif chatting with Fitri and me settling some ward work before I saw him walking out from the ward.

"Gi mana be" I texted him. 

I've taken to talk to him in Kelantanese when it's just us two. He calls me kak a lot. If I call him dik I'm at risk of being condescending when we're actually at partner level. We have good teamwork. So I call him abe. 

"Bawah jap."

That was around 3.30pm and he never came back up. We ate around 5pm and I texted him if he was coming or should I tapau for him? The cake really was nice. 

He said he's going back first. I said bye.

I should say bye to H and move on too. Probably delete him off my contact.

i wanna call you baby

I don't want to be clingy but sometimes I miss you. I think about you and all I do is pray for my forgiveness and pray for your happiness. 

So I just keep to habitual, greeting on occasions. I really do count when was the last time I texted you. 

I do realise you don't appreciate me as much as I do, but when I make moves to move on, you'll show out of nowhere. It's actually frustrating and I want to cry, but I miss you. And I guess you sporadically miss me too. I want you to always be well, I pray for you to be happy. I want you to get married so that I'm let go. 

Last night I texted you happy eid. Because the last time I initiated it was the beginning of Ramadan and I told myself the next time I initiate will be on Raya. 

And today I celebrated raya with my folks and the guys. We went to our staff nurse's house and almost as I was finishing my meal, she pointed at her younger son and said his name is yours. 

I immediately looked up with an expecting face. Almost as if I was expecting to see you and I froze because it wasn't you. 

Dija looked at me when it happened and | told her I felt sad and I didn't want to finish my food. But I did, out of politeness.

What was I thinking? Clearly I wasn't thinking. You're oncall today.

I went home and texted you a happy oncall. You replied me with an ultrasound liver with a distended gallbladder.

I miss you. But I need to move on because it's not healthy pining for someone who doesn't feel the same way.

Dear God, if he's not for me then why are You making it hard to move on?