everything is my own fault

Yesterday I was hoping not to see him again because apparently I haven't moved on. But on my way to work I saw his car stopping at the junction and I paused. If he stops for me and he's alone, I will get in his car. I don't want to, I just told myself I need to move on! 

So I quickly hastened my pace. He was still stuck in the traffic and I got to the hospital. I did turn around to look for him and probably that was his car at the access gate. 

Later I went down to accompany patient for a procedure. I owe it to old times sake to at least say hi now that I'm in his territory, so I texted him asking where he is. 

He answered and asked me why. I didn't reply. 

Towards the end of the procedure, almost lunch time, he walked into where I was. I closed my book and chatted with him. I stood arms crossed like the cool chick I am while he sat next to me. We're not even 1 meter apart. He was wearing a sweater and I was happy to find that I'm not the only one who gets cold easily. We spoke soft enough just to talk between us. I asked only personal questions, although he started the conversation asking about my UM classes. I asked him about his brother who is in UITM. He looked confused. 

"Dulu kau pernah bagitahu adik kau belajar di Dengkil?" 

"Oh. Dia sambung oil and gas now."

"Oh nice."

"Oghe kapung ko?" It was his colleague asking. I turned to look at the interruption and almost glared. Let me have him for a while.

"Haah oghe kapung." Was what he replied. And then we got into a conversation on why he speaks Standard Malay with me and not in Kelantanese. 

But oh this colleague was still talking to me. The scrub read Zahin and had a UKM logo. He introduced his colleague to me as an Egyptian graduate so I asked where. He said he's from Alex. 

"Batch siapa?" 

"Kadir.."

"Oh sekali Mizah."

"Mijah. Lama tak dengar khabar dia." He said. I turned around to face him and the three of us chatted about our mutual friends. 

Then his specialist called for me regarding my patient, so I attended to his questions and gave him my pointers. He actually concurred with me and relayed it to his MO to report it. 

My case was then done. I turned back to him who was also listening on my case. I confirmed with him that it was his last week in HTA. He said tomorrow is his last day. 

"Bila nak belanja aku makan?" 

He chuckled and we said our goodbyes as his colleague and Hilmi Suami Anah took him away for lunch I guess. I looked on as he walked away, overheard the colleague asking Hilmi about something and heard Hilmi mentioned Paed Surgery and I guess the two was talking about me. I kept my eyes on his back until it was gone. He never turn around. 

I walked to my patient and went back to my work. 

---

Walking back today, I talked out loud to the darkening sky. 

I last saw him 2 years plus ago. In January 2020. He was slimmer back then. He was on a diet and didn't eat cheese. Why do I remember those details and none of what I studied? How did I even pass medical school? Scratch that I didn't just pass medical school, I was Very Good and that's almost Excellent. Where did that Atiqah go? 

And why does it seem like my confession never happened? Why am I just an "oghe kapung"? Why are we so.. cool? 

I got back and sat down. Then I opened our previous messages. 

That session. He hoped he didn't give false hope. And he hoped nothing change between us. Hell I agreed. I told him I hope I could still mess with him. He said I can. 

And fuck me, by February I was already messaging him like nothing happened. Girl you were so desperate not to lose him as a friend. I couldn't read any more. 

I should delete our conversation if I'm really serious about moving on. But I never did. I mulled over it way too much for my own good. I'm too much in the past, I'm wasting my present. Here I am, still liking him more than I should. I'm suicidal. 

His last day (for now) in HTA tomorrow. Can I have a tiny piece of his attention, one last time?