Then I woke up for work. Did my rounds and then studied a little on the course of IJV. Just a bit.
Then Mr. Fitri came and did the CVL insertion. He looked up in the middle of OT and asked
"Tell me the anatomy of the neck."
Fuck.
"Tell me the triangles, boundaries, contents."
"Anterior and posterior triangle..." Separated by SCM and then what? Fuck.
"Still waiting."
I gave up. "Sorry. I don't remember. I don't want to goreng."
He didn't say anything.
Towards the end of the OT, he said something that made me want to die that instance. Without looking up from the surgical field he said
"I'm not a good mentor. Saya tak tahu nak ajar apa. So saya tanya je soalan yang saya rasa boleh ditanya."
Fuck this Atiqah. Just quit and not waste anyone's time, let's not waste this good man's time.
I scrubbed out once we were done and found Tharisini writing up her op notes.
"Hi babe how are you?" She was cheerful in her loud voice as usual.
"I'm so frustrated with myself because I couldn't answer Mr. Fitri's questions."
"Biasa dah tu we're all like that."
"I thought I don't care but apparently I do care. It felt like I disappointed Mr. Mughni. I feel so... bad. If Mr. Fitri was a little meaner I wouldn't really feel this bad. But he's a good person."
I then turned to the computer to write my op note. "I need to chill but I don't know how. Usually my way of chilling is terjun sungai but there's no sungai here. I'm imagining I'm submerged under water now. I want to scream."
As I was scrubbing in for the next op, my surgeon walked to scrub beside me with a sighy "Atiqah, Atiqah."
I turned to look at him. And just stared silently while I scrubbed my hands. Just a silent stare not even a smile behind my mask. Yeah I'm frustrated too. Like I knew this would happen but I still don't want to study so how?
Thank you Mr. Fitri for trying. I'm sorry you got yourself a lousy mentee. I should go die now.
No comments:
Post a Comment