Remember this pain and don’t do this to yourself again please

4 years ago I was rejected by the person I confessed to. What followed was a rebound, the worst fuckgirl persona of my life where I took advantage of an emotionally vulnerable person. 

And then 5 months ago Timah tried to matchmake me with a guy, who I then rejected on our supposed third meet because he ghosted and stood me up. 

Two days ago Syukri my junior colleague, this gossiping first year Master, a happily married guy, somehow asked me about my love-or-lack-of-it life and that made me reminisce of my fuckgirl persona when I was a HO, friendly with guys with no romantic intention at all but unfortunately lead on some. It made me remember that person. So I texted him saying I missed "you guys" and I heard he did well in his exam and I hoped he's happy and well. 

What do you know, he actually carried on the conversation and eventually asked me 

"Is there anyone you currently admire?" 

I actually read the message when I woke up at 10pm after sleeping the whole evening once I got back from postcall. The room was dark and I blinked few times to make sure I was really awake. This was way out of the blue. I was more than thrown off guard. What kind of question is this? I confessed to him, didn't I? Asking me this is leading me on. Why did I fall for a fuckboy. 

But I remained calm and replied "No one new. How about you?" 

To which he replied "Nothing new." 

So you're single. What now? I went back to sleep. 

The next day I straight up asked him why "nothing new" when he had passed the exam already, and he said he's stressed with thesis now. 

So let's add to his stress then. I consulted Kak Elli before I texted him what I was about to text and Kak Elli told me to be ready for his reaction. I mean, he rejected me already. What could be worst? Kak Elli said of him not replying or even blocking me. Well if he ghosts me then that means he's dead to me, how easier it is to move on. 

So I texted him "I actually had a different reaction to this. I was 🤨🔪 "what kind of question is this, you know I like you"" 

Lo and behold, he actually did something unimaginable. He carried on the conversation! 

"Errr who knows you dah found someone else yang you have a feeling for 😅 Last time when you were in Sabah you had kan" 

"You mean you?" 

"Tak. Someone else. One of your colleagues dekat Sabah" 

I can't recall. I don't think I'm that kind of fucker who talks about other guys with the guy I like. 

"Hmm cant recall. Must be insignificant, not memorable" 

The only guys I'm friends with in Sabah would be the Lahad Datu boys. I do remember I once told him about the team once, but I lost all messages from pre April 2023 after I switched to this iPhone so I can't confirmed. But why would he even remember that kind of thing? 

"You're probably talking about Fadhly. He's my senior in Lahad Datu. Admirable work ethics and surgical skills, a friend. 100% platonic. I've only ever confessed to one person je." 

There, I said it. 

"It was me kan 😅" 

"Yaaaa 🙃" 

... This piece of shit. I officially renamed him in my contact as This Little Shit. 

After a while I needed to ask. "Are you enjoying urself?" 

"As in?" 

"I was wondering why you're asking all this. I didn't expect the conversation to take this turn." 

"Errr I was just casually asking. Let's just forget about it 🙏🏻" 

What kind of fucker does that, casually ask the person who likes them to relive the fact she confessed to him and was turned down? God this is really the worst, I didn't expect this. This is worst than being rejected, this is straight up disrespecting I'm a human who has feelings. Fucking feelings for this shit. Why did I do this to myself? 

"If you say so." 

Unbelievably he carried on the conversation to personal matters, which I answered. He knows I still like him and he's casually brushing it off. God. This hurts, but why am I doing this to myself? It was almost 2am and I'm oncall in the morning. Why do I even want to be friends with him? I have friends who better respect me. That's enough Atiqah, no more. Remember this pain and don't contact that person again. 

"Sorry I can't just forget about it. I’m not proud that I haven’t moved on and still am just a human with feelings, but I shouldn’t have done this to myself. And I shouldn’t have let the conversation took this turn. It hurts that you’re just casually asking about it though, not that I expected anything else. I’ll move on. Let’s not talk about this again. Have a good day ahead." 

And then I deleted his contact and archieved the text before I went to bed. Woke up begrudgingly and went to work. Intermittently lost focus when Alis was passing over, I blame it on lack of sleep. 

Then the suicidal masochist in me read his reply that came at 10am. 

"I am so sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way, and didn’t think thoroughly before asking you such a silly question. Stupid me. I don’t want it to ruin our friendship." 

Am I such a great friend that this person wants to be friends with me? I barely keep track of people and I only text them at random. I pray for them though, it's part of my Egyptian upbringing. And you Atiqah, you have other friends anyway. What difference does losing this one make? 

"Yeah you shouldn't have asked. Anyone else can ask me that but not you 😅 I know you're a good guy…… though a bit insensitive and tactless in this matter. I guess I'm too. Apology accepted, and I'm sorry too. If you're in front of me I would have smacked your head haha. With that, we’re cool. I wish you happiness." 

" yes please smack me. Only then I would feel like being completely forgiven. Hope it didn’t ruin your day too & wishing you a good, calm oncall."